Modern Family (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 22 - Good Cop Bad Dog - full transcript

Phil and Claire trade discipline roles for the day, Gloria forces Jay to listen to a horrible business proposal, and Mitchell tries to convince a sick Cameron to let him go to the Lady Gaga concert without him.

Oh, good. You're up.
It is such a beautiful day.

Let's go have brunch somewhere outside
where I can wear my new sunglasses.

Ew, gross!
What happened to you?

I don't feel good.
I'm hot.

Now I'm cold.

Oh, no.

And we have
that concert tonight.

I know, but, honey, that's the
furthest thing from my mind, okay?

[ Coughing ] [Mitchell] Why me?

We had amazing seats
for Lady Gaga,

and he gets sick.

I've been looking forward
to that concert for months.

It's the one gay cliché
I allow myself.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪♪

- [ Kids Shouting, Arguing]
- [ Claire ] Okay, that's it!

No more fighting!
No more fighting!

For the rest of your lives,

you are not allowed
to yell at each other.

But you're allowed to yell at us?
Yes, Alex, I am.

Because I feed you and I clothe
you and I pay the mortgage.

Whoa! Pretty sure old Dad deserves
a shout-out right about now.

- Phil!
- Sorry.

Should've taken the temperature
of the room first. What's up?

- I'm dealing with a lot-
- Luke and Manny barged into our room...

while we were changing-
the little pervs.

Can I just say, in Europe,
this would be no big deal.

[ Luke] Yeah. You can see me in
my underwear whenever you want.

Here. I'll make it even.

- No. Hey, Luke! Luke! Luke! Luke!
- [Alex, Haley Shrieking ]

Keep your pants on!

Girls! Stop getting so hysterical
over everything!

Come on!
Now grow up a little.

[ Mouthing Words] I need things
to start changing around here,

or I will change things,

There will be no more TV
and no Internet...

and no whatever else
I can think of.

May I have a word
with you, Phil?

I'd rather not.

What was that?

- Phil. You sold me out behind my back.
- No!

It's just that sometimes
you can get a little intense.

I feel like I need to swoop in to let
the kids know they're still loved.

I could kick you.

Honey, these are just the parts
that we're playing.

Am I wrong, or has it been working?
I feel like it's been working.

I am tired of being the bad cop.

You need to discipline them sometime
and let me swoop in with all the love.

Shouldn't we stick
with the stuff we're good at?

Oh, my God.
This bathroom is disgusting.

The girls told me
they would clean it days ago.

I can't yell at them about it
one more time. You handle it.

I would, but I promised
Luke and Manny...

I'd take them go-karting
for their good report cards.

What was good about
Luke's report card?

He didn't lose it.

Let me take them.
Yes, let me take them.

You stay here, hound the girls
about cleaning up this mess,

and I will take Luke
to do something fun.

But... I want to go go-karting.

Yeah, I don't know what to tell you.
This is happening.


Hey, guys, guess who's taking
you go-karting today. Me.

Why? Are we in trouble?

No. You're not in trouble.

Today's just all about having fun.

And you know what?
Go-karting's just the beginning.

- What else are we doing?
- Whatever you want.

I want to bring Dad.
Well, tough. You can't.

He's doing something else.

Good-bye. We will be back
in a few hours.

Whoa, whoa. Where are
you guys going?

I am taking Alex to the movies,

and then I'm going to the mall.

Oh, fun. That sounds like fun,
doesn't it, Phil?

I'm not much of a shopper,
but it would depend on-

[Whispering ] Clean the bathroom.

Uh, girls, how about...

you clean your bathroom
before you go?

It'd really help your mom out.

Oh, no. it's not about
what Mom wants.

Your mom is cool, very cool
with whatever.

It's about what Dad wants.

Dad wants to go go-karting.

I would really like it if you
would clean your bathroom.

But my movie- Why do
we have to do it now?

Because Claire says so.

Because I say so
and because I'm your dad...

and I'm older than you...

and I call the shots
around here.

Yes, you do.

This is so unfair.

Come on, guys. Let's go have some fun.
OW! You're hurting me.

Aw, you're fine.

[ Phil] Have fun, guys.
Let's go, let's go!


So... how does this
usually start?

[ Scoffs ]

- Good morning, Mr. Pritchett.
- How ya doin', sport?

I didn't know who that was.
I never do.

At least once a month, I find a total
stranger sitting in my kitchen.

Gloria collects
every kind of stray...

looking for work, money-
you name it.

She's got a big heart.

It's the one thing I'd like
to change about her.


Hey, a dog.
That's new.

That was Mr. Pritchett.

Oh, Jay, there you are.

I want to introduce you
to Guillermo.

Just met him.
Really hit it off.

Keep it under a hundred bucks.
You don't have to tell me.

I'm going golfing.
No, senor.

He's a very nice man that
works at the grocery store...

and needs a little bit
of business advice.

Why didn't you say so?

I thought he was just some nut who
lived behind the dry cleaners.

Oh. That's the guy we bought
corrective shoes for last month.

Jay, he knows
how successful you are,

and all he wants is an hour
of your time- half hour.

Ten minutes!
I promise him.

Honey, I love you, but why do
you drag me into these things?

You've got to learn
to say no to people.

Fine. Ask me if you can
go golfing now.

Other people.

All I want is, when
I go to bed at night,

to be laying next to a man
that is generous and giving.

And that man doesn't
necessarily needs to be you.

Okay, let's do this.


[Cameron Coughing ]

Do you want me to move
the wastebasket closer to you?

Oh, no. it's fine
where it is.

Really? 'Cause the bed kinda
looks like a Rose Parade float.

Thank you
for taking care of me.

Well, what else
would I be doing?

Um, seeing Lady Gaga.
That's what.

So, uh, Cam, you know,
I hate to bring this up,

but what are we gonna do
about that concert?

What do you mean? Well, we were
both looking forward to going.

You were looking forward
to going.

I was really looking forward
to going.

And I- I hate to see
those tickets go to waste.

I know, I know.
[Sighs] But what are our options?

We could both go to the
concert- [ Coughing ]

but that's not
gonna happen.

Uh, or we could sell
the tickets online.

Oh, but there's that
Craigslist killer.

Oh, what to do? What to do?
What to do? What to do?

What are the options-
other options?

Mitchell, are you hinting that you
want to go to that concert without me?

What? No. No.

Not in a million years, but-
[ Chuckles ]

that's very sweet of you
to offer.

I didn't offer.
Oh, really?

'Cause that just seems like
something that you would say.

“You go. I'll be fine.
You spent all the money on the tickets,

and I'm just gonna
lie in bed anyways.”

That's classic Cam.
I'm just so weak.

Good. You know what?
It's settled.

We're gonna put this whole “you insisting I go
to the concert without you” thing behind us.

- You know what?
- What?

Can I get one of my little
pudding cups?

Yes, you can. Yes.

You eat the pudding,
and I'll eat the tickets.

Thank you for your time,
Mr. Pritchett.

But after you hearing
my presentation,

you will be thanking me.

You've got confidence.
I admire that.

He admires that, Guillermo.
You're doing great. Keep going.

Are you aware that,
last year,

Americans spent $40 billion
on dog training?

Well, that's not true.

I was as surprised
as you are.

No, you were surprised
because it's not true. Shh.

Go on, Guillermo.

What is this multibillion-dollar
industry missing?

Multibillion dollars.

I have devised a revolutionary
way to communicate-

Listen, I hate to interrupt
your big pitch,

but your dog
is chewing my pillow.

- This is fantastic.
- It's not fantastic for my pillow.

It's the perfect opportunity
for me to demonstrate...

the Good Doggy-Bad Doggy
Training System.

We're in!
Slow down.

What are we gonna do about
the pillow situation?

Watch and be amazed.

Stella here is being
a bad doggy.

[ Growling ] Stella, let go!
Bad dog! Bad dog!

Bad dog.
[Whimpers ]

And what does
a bad dog get?

A bad-doggy treat.

You give her a treat
for doing something bad?

A bad-doggy treat.

When she is good, she gets
the good-doggy treat.

We're going to be rich!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What is the difference...

between a bad-doggy treat
and the good-doggy treat?

Bacon. The bad-doggy treat
is very bland.

But she seems like
she likes it.

Wait till you see
the good-doggy treat.

Stella, sit.

Now a good-doggy treat.

[ Sniffing, Whimpers]

Stella. She still full
from the bad-doggy treat.

But there you have it.

The Good Doggy-Bad Doggy
Training System!

[ Laughing]

Welcome to the ground floor.

Actually, she's peeing
on the ground floor.

Quick! Quick!
Give her a bad-doggy treat!

[ Claire ] Hello ? Hey, it's me.
Is this a bad time?

No. I'm just
in the car.

I'm having
a moral dilemma.

We have tickets for Lady Gaga
tonight, but Cam's sick.

- I'll take them.
- You don't even like concerts.

Yes, I do.
I'm fun now.

Claire, they said we have to be at
least 13 to ride the fast ones.

They're 13. It's fine. [Laughs]

This is very confusing.

At movie theaters,
she says I'm 11.

Can we get back to me? What?

Does it make me a horrible person?
I kind of want to go without him.

- Well, how sick is he?
- I don't know. He's sick.

They're not gonna make
a Lifetime movie about him.

What's he like
when you're sick?

Cam, I think I can walk
to the kitchen.


He's okay. You should go.
You know what I learned today?

You can't wait around for somebody
to give you something you want.

Sometimes you just
have to take it.

Aw, I'm gonna feel so guilty though.
You'll resent him if you stay.

Okay. How about this?
You stay home and take care of him-

soup, foot rubs, you
blow his nose. Em

He's so lucky
to have you.

And then tonight,
right before the concert,

you say, “Cam, I love you,
but I really want to go.”

He'll say fine, you drop Lily off
at our house, and it's great.

[Man On P.A. ] Drivers, start your engines.
I'm putting you on speaker.

What are you doing?

Making my kids
love me!

Drivers, ready
Three, two, one!

[ Buzzer Buzzes ]

You're goin' down,
Delgado- like this!

Oh! Oh! Oh!

[ Laughing]



We're finished cleaning the bathroom.
We're leaving.

See? That didn't take too long.
Thank you, girls.

Now go and have a good
time, all right? Bye.

See? You don't need
all the conflict.

Note to Claire.

If you want intense family drama, rent Spy Kids.
They saved their parents' lives.

You think they would've done that
if they got yelled at all the time?

[Water Dripping ]

Sweet and sour chicken!


Get back-
Gotta fix that step.

- Girls!
- Did he just yell?

I'm trying!

You girls get back here
right now!

[Alex] Pretend you don't hear him.
I know you can hear me!

Oh, my God! He's coming towards the car!
Oh, my God!

[ Both Screaming ]
Stop this car!

We're sorry, Dad.
We couldn't hear you!

No more lies!

You poked the bear, girls!

You poked him!

In closing, the only
real question is-

after you invest
in Good Doggy-Bad Doggy-

how will we spend
all our money?

In handbags!

No. Vacation! Ay, no.
A home gym! All right.

Guillermo, your ambition
is infectious.

Clearly, my wife needs
to be inoculated.

But I'm gonna be blunt.
Ay no, no. You're not going to.

Yes, I am. Now, you wanted
my honest business advice, right?

Very much.
Here it is.

Your idea is not good.


No, what Jay means is that-
What I mean is it stinks.

That's nothing
against you.

You've got charm, you've got
ambition, and that's great.

What you need
is a better idea.

But I don't have
a better idea.

Any idea would be
a better idea.

Your honesty
is refreshing.


Now you made him cry.

He's not crying.

You're not crying, are you?
[Crying ] No.

A little.

It's just- Five years of my life
are for nothing.

Five? Five years?

Ay Guillermo,
I'm sorry.

Why don't you stay
for lunch...

and we can all brainstorm
your next idea.


Thank you, Gloria.

I go put Stella in the car.

I don't want to ruin any more
of your beautiful things.


Bad dog.
[Whimpers ]

Why were you
so tough with him?

- He's very sensitive.
- Did you think that was a good idea?

Of course not,
but I'm nice...

and I put on
the sugar jacket.

is not gonna help him.

He needed to hear what I said to
him, even if it hurt a little bit.

He's gonna thank me
one day.

[ Engine Starts ]
¡Ay! ¡Guillermo!

- Now I have to apologize.
- Accepted.

Not to you!

[ Claire ] What are
you gonna get, Luke?

I want a cheeseburger.

And I can't decide between
french fries or onion rings.

Get 'em both!
How about you, Manny?

Um, do you have a skinless,
grilled chicken breast?

What, are you going to the ball, Cinderella?
Live a little.

I know Claire was trying to be
fun, but that crossed the line.

Anything else?
Who wants a milk shake?

Milk shake, milk shake.
Three milk shakes.

[ Luke ] I didn't really
want a milk shake.

But after what
she said to Manny,

I didn't want to risk it.

Mom, I don't feel good.

Did you finish
your milk shake?

I think that was
the problem.

Look who's
a doctor now.

- Maybe it was the pie.
- Oh, he's fine.

Hey. Hey! Who likes
roller coasters?

I need a bag. No.
No, you're not gonna be sick, Luke.

We're having fun.

No, I really
need a bag.

Take the lid
off the cup.

[Tape Ripping ]

[Whimpering ]
I'm starving.

Me too.
Say something.

Um, Dad? We haven't
had lunch yet.

Neither have
half the kids in Africa.

Stop yapping
and get back to work.

Why is he taping
our laptop shut?

[Whispering ]
Because he's out of his mind.

I'm not out of my mind!

You took advantage and you
lost your computer privileges.

Come on, Dad.
We said we're sorry.

Plus I can't get this stupid
drain unclogged anyways.

- Stick that hanger down there.
- Ew! No!

It's either that or we cut off all your hair,
'cause that's what caused the problem.

[ Sighs ]

Good. 'Cause after
you finish this room,

you're gonna clean
my bathroom too.

- And you know how gross I can be.
- [ Both Whimpering]

Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh!

Ew! Gross!
All right.

[ Shrieking ] Settle down.
It's hair.

[ Shrieking Continues]

Oh, my God!

[ Crying ]
I'm not cut out for this.

I spent all day nursing Cam.

Oh. Okay, could you do
the right one now?

You mean the one
we started with? Sure.


I made soup.
I made tea.

Finally, it was
the moment of truth.

Cam, you know, I was thinking
that- [Snoring Quietly]

[Whispering ]
Cam, you can say no,

but I was thinking about
maybe going to that concert.

Thank you. You're the best.
I love you.

Hey, you're back.
What happened with your friend?

He's fine.
You were right.

He did appreciate your honesty.
How about that?

He's gonna make big changes
to his life. Good.

He's going back to school.

That means he has to go back
to live with his sister,

so that means that he had
to get rid of the dog.

But he's so much more
realistic now.

See that?

And there's a lesson
in there for you too.

'Cause sometimes things go
better when you just say no.

[ Stella Barks ]

What did you do?

Ay He was going to take her to the pound.
That's his business.

Ay But look at her little face.

You don't even want a dog.
I know. I have a problem.

[ Vehicle Approaching ]
Oh, crap. That's Manny.

If he sees the dog, it's all over.
I go lock the door.

And that's the solution- Manny sleeps in
the backyard till the dog dies of old age?

[ Door Closes ]
Hey, guys, I'm home.

Boy, I think Claire's working
through some stuff because-

Oh, my gosh! You got me a dog
because of my perfect report card?


[ Exhales ]
Sorry, papi. No.

The dog lives
somewhere else,

which is where
she's going right now.

Text me the address.

Can I at least take a moment
with her to tell her good-bye?

Tell her good-bye?
You just met her.

I'm so sorry.

Luke, honey, come back.
I said I was sorry.

I'm 12. I need limits.

- What happened?
- I made them drive too fast and eat like Vikings.

And then Luke threw up
all over the car.

I gotta go clean that up.
No, you don't.

Girls! Grab your buckets
and meet me by the car.

They don't have to do that.
They do if I say so.

I'm sorry. I swear I just told
you to grab your buckets!

- [Alex, Whimpering ] We haven't eaten all day.
- We're hungry.

You won't be in a minute.
Honey, you haven't fed them all day?

They're monsters, Claire-

deceitful, manipulative monsters.

And they need to be broken.

He's crazy.

You know what?
Mom's the crazy one.

She ran over my hand.

We were having fun.

Girls, go to the kitchen.
Get something to eat.

Phil, honey, this isn't working.
Listen to me.

You are not a good
bad cop,

and I'm a very bad
good cop.

We need things to go back
to the way they were.


I feel really shaky.

I don't like being you.

Nobody does.

[ Cam ]
Going somewhere?

Cam. You're up.

Didn't count on that,
did you?

You dropping Lily off at your
sister's, or is she taking my ticket?

Okay, first of all,
how are you standing?

You drank enough of that cough
syrup to put down a grizzly.

I'll tell you what's grisly.
That is your behavior.

Well, it's just a good thing
I'm finding out now,

instead of when I'm old and
sick and really need you.

Better start saving for some
sort of home health care plan,

because I'd hate for my broken
hip and subsequent pneumonia...

to interfere with your evening plans.

[ Coughing ] Okay, Cam.
No, you're right.

You're right. I have no defense.
I am terrible.

And the thing is I knew I was
terrible, and I was going anyway.

I think maybe
I tried to justify it...

by saying we're
two different people.

And you're more of a caregiver,
and I have... other strengths.

And that's what makes us such
a good couple, you know? But-

No, no. It's a cop-out.
I've been very selfish,

And I need to do better,
and I will.

- I swear on Lily's-
- [ Snoring ]

diaper bag.

[Snoring Continues]

[Dog Barking In Distance ]

[ Siren Wailing In Distance ]

Ah. Wow.

No place to go
but up, huh?

Don't look at me like that.

We all got problems.

[Whimpers ]

This ain't
gonna work, sweetie.

That look ain't gonna work on me.
Come on.

Come on. Let's go.

I know it's old-fashioned,
but I like a strong man-

a man that can say no
when I can't.

[ Door Opens ]

[ Door Closes ]

Not a word.

Oh, yes!

But instead, I have Jay.

I'm strong,

but look at this face.


[ Gloria ] Maybe we
are the way we are...

because of the people we're with.

Or maybe we just pick
the people we need.

However it works,
when you find each other,

you should never let go.

Mmm, mmm, mmm!
Do you two need some time alone?


Oh. Wow.
I must have dozed off.

Yeah. You were out
for quite a while.

What have you been up to?

I've just been sitting here
watching you.

Mmm. Well, I'm gonna
go to bed.


[ Kisses ]

Thanks for staying home
with me.

Well, you know- in sickness
and in health. Right?

You're still blinking, sweetie.

Oh, no. Oh, gosh.

[ Forced Laugh ]
Oh. Oh, this is funny.

I'm gonna tell you the funny thing
about why this is on. This is oh.

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