Modern Family (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 21 - Mother's Day - full transcript

Cameron is upset that Mitchell thinks he's the "Mom" of the family, Claire and Gloria take the kids on a disastrous hike, and Phil witnesses Jay tearing up while they prepare Mother's Day dinner.

Okay. Okay, here she comes.

[ All ]
Happy Mother's Day! Aah!

- What are you wearing?
- You don't remember this shirt?

You made it for me for Mother's Day
in kindergarten. it's adorable.

It's perverted. It looks like you were felt
up by the creepy guy around the corner.

Ew! Why him? Because he's
got freakishly tiny hands.

Thank you. I cannot believe
you kept that shirt.

Of course I kept it. I'm your mother.

I keep everything you make me.

Please take that off.
[ Claire ] Oh, when I'm dead.

Today is my special day,
and I am gonna enjoy me some coffee.

You know that's a pencil holder, right?

I do now.

- [Jay] Go first.
- No, you can go first.

- Manny, go first.
- No, Jay, you go first.

Somebody give me a present.

Oh, Jay! A diamond necklace.

Thank you.

You deserve it.

Go ahead, kid.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom.

[ Gasps ] A necklace made
of the Froot Loops. I love it.

I know
they're not exactly diamonds, Mom.

No, they're beautiful.

You know what? I got a confession to make.
Those aren't real diamonds.

No. Give them back.
I'll get you some real ones later.

Dang it. Now I got to come clean.

Those aren't real Froot Loops.
They're generic.


Now I have no presents again.

Good morning!

Hey! Hey, what's this?

Well, I know you've had
some late nights with Lily,

and this is just my way
of saying thank you and I love you.

Oh! Thank you.

And this is just the beginning.
Today is your day.

Yeah. All day.

Today? Today's my day?

- Something's happening.
- It's Mother's Day, Mitchell.


You're bringing me
breakfast in bed on Mother's Day.

This is not a Mother's Day breakfast.
This is a breakfast that happens to be-

You think of me as Lily's mother.

- I'm your wife. I'm a woman.
- What?

Honestly, I'm a little offended
that he accused me of that.

I'm actually very sensitive to that issue.

[ Chuckles] Like I would ever treat
my partner as a woman. I-

Somebody got new curtains.

Well, Mrs. Pritchett loves to shop.

Oh! We're never gonna
be done by 6:00.

I better call home.

The wife's not gonna like this.

Sometimes I think
he just wants to be mad at me.

I can't eat.
Okay, you know what?

If you can't accept the nice gesture,
then just forget it.

Okay, scratch the balloons.
She is in a mood.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪♪

I asked Claire what she wanted
for Mother's Day,

and she said, “Take a hike.”

[ Chuckling ]
it's not like that.

She's just bananas
for walking around in nature.

So she and Gloria are taking
the kids up the canyon,

and Jay and I are throwing on the aprons
and preparing a Mother's Day feast.


it's gonna be fun.

[ Beeps ]
♪♪ [ '60s Soul ]

♪ I know you
wanna leave me ♪

♪ But I refuse to- ♪

♪♪ [ Stops ]
We're not doing that.

[ Luke ]
There are Coyotes in these woods.

Did you pack a weapon?
I have a walking stick.

Does it become a sword?
I guess it can become a running stick.

You're gonna outrun a coyote?

The fastest mammal in the world.

I'm not sure that's true.

And how are you gonna fend 'em off
with a Popsicle stick?

It's a spear,
and it smells like lemon lime,

a flavor Coyotes hate.

Where are you getting your information?
How much farther?

I'd like to go far enough that we can't
still see our car in the parking lot.

I'm getting dust in my mouth.
[Alex Groans]

You have to appreciate nature.

Soon this will be the mall.

I'll come then.
I'm hungry.

I say we eat what we kill.

Oh, then I guess
we'll be eating the mood.

I don't get you at all.

I know.

[ Groans ]

Oh, is that
the party over there?

I don't know. I'm a woman, remember?
I have a terrible sense of direction.

May I remind you that my big crime
was making you fluffy pancakes.

I'm getting a little sick
of you dwelling on this.

It happens to be Mother's Day,
not Martyr's Day.

[ Sighs ]
Mitchell, I'm sorry.

It's just a sensitive issue for me.

There's nothing gays hate more than when
people- [ Both ] Treat us like women.

We're not. We don't want
to go to your baby shower.

We don't have a time of the month.

We don't love pink.
You love pink.

No, pink loves me.
Okay, well-

- Hey, guys!
- Hey!

So? That's Jen, husband Rick, baby Diego.
I don't get it either.

Hey, Jen, let me help
you with that. Ah.

Rick, how you doing?

We should do play group
on weekends more often.

It's nice to have
the husbands around to help, right?

Oh, yeah, because that makes all the
sense in the world- you as the husband.

That's not what she meant. Look at us.
I could snap you like a twig.

Every once in a while,
you say that thing about the twig,

and I need you to know
that it bothers me. Sorry.

Okay, everybody.
Happy Mother's Day.

I know I speak for all the guys...

when I say thank you for everything you do
while we're off having affairs.

- [All Laughing]
- I'm kidding. I'll pay for that later.

Let's get the moms and kids
together for a picture.

Let's get out of here.
Leave the stroller and run. Cam, stop.

No one's going to ask you to-
[Jen] Cameron, get on up here!

I don't know.
You guys just go ahead there.

You're an honorary mom. Come on.
[ Cameron ] I don't know.

Okay, all right. Unhand me.
Get over there.

[Jen] Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay, tighten up. Tighten up.

Up here, ladies.
[ Camera Beeps ]

Beautiful. One more, gals.

[Beeps] Oh, thanks, ladies.
Thanks so much. Perfect.

[ Jen ]
Great. Okay.

Yeah, that was definitely poison oak.
I think this rash is spreading.

Ay Manny, that's not a rash.
It's red because you scratch it.

I just don't want my throat to close.

Wouldn't be the worst thing.

I'm so bored, I'd rather be reading.

I'm so bored, I chewed the last bug that
flew in my mouth just to feel something.

I'm so bored, I'm talking to you.

[ Grunts ]

For the last 20 minutes,
all you people have done is whine.

You would think on Mother's Day, at
least, you would have something nice-

[ Luke] Shh! What?

Thought I heard a coyote.
Go ahead.

God, Luke, you're such an idiot.

At least I don't look
like an idiot.

What does that mean?
Your hat.

It looks like you walked under
a bird that poops ugly hats.

Can we watch the language?
There's nothing else to watch.

Enough complaining!

You can't bitch all day because
you're not at the beach all day!

Come on.

No.No,no. I- I'm giving myself
a Mother's Day present.

Kids, your hike is over.

Yes! Yeah! All right!

No. No, not happy. Bad.


Gloria and I are gonna go finish
this beautiful hike together...

while you sit here and think about how
selfish and thoughtless you've been.

Come on.

If we're thoughtless,
how can we think?

You just lost your water.

Let's go.

- What the hell are those?
- Onion goggles.

No more tears when I cook.
Welcome to the 21st century. You should get a pair.

I was gonna suggest
the same thing.

Hey, Jay, you know
what we should put in this?

We should add a-
No. it's my mom's recipe.

Whatever it says on the page goes in the pot.
Nothing more, nothing less.

Now, how long do I stir the beef
and sausages? Read it to me.

[As Julia Child] “We should stir the
beef and sausages for five minutes.”

And how much longer do I have to
listen to the Julia Child impression?

For as long as it's still funny.

I think the timer
just went off on that.

That was unnecessary.

[ Normal Voice]
What's this? what?

Hey, Jay, maybe after this,
we should make the perfect mom.

All we need is a tablespoon of love,
one cup of warmth.

Add one heart, softened.
What the hell are you talking about?

This recipe for the perfect mom,
by Jay Francis Pritchett, age nine.

Geez, I forgot all about that.

I didn't know she had it in there.

What's that, Francis?

How much longer on the meat?

I love this part about “serves one small boy.
” it's adorable.

Wow. A hundred
and seventy five pounds of tenderness.

She must have loved that. Big woman?


And that's when I saw it.



Are you crying? No.
it's the onions, damn it. Give me these.

What are you looking at?

Those really frame your face.

[Spoon Tapping Pot]

[ Claire ]
Oh! Wow! Beautiful.

Ay, thank you.

[ Sucks Teeth ]

Okay, I don't want you to judge me,
but I have to say something.

Sometimes I wanna punch my kids.

You don't mean that.
No, I do.I do.

The last time they were horrible
the way they were today,

they happened to be all lined up,

and I couldn't help but think
if I hit just one of 'em,

the rest would go down
like dominoes.

I know.

That would rob me of the pleasure...

of hitting each one individually, but-

Oh, my God.
You don't talk about your children this way.

Oh, come on.
You know Manny irritates you.

No. Manny is the best thing that ever
happened to me. We have a special bond.

Yes. Bonds. I know.
But that's not what I'm talking about now.

Claire, for a long time,
it was only the two of us.

I cannot say anything bad
about that boy.

Give me a break.

Gloria, anybody
who's ever had a kid knows...

that they can irritate the freaking life
out of you at some point.

Am I right?

Oh. Okay.

He's persnickety.


He's persnickety.
It drives me up the wall.

Okay. Persnickety. Good start.

And he follows me around all the time.

Sometimes I love it,
but sometimes I need my own space.

This does not make you a bad mother
to admit these things-

And the poetry- it's not very good.

Ha. First time that I
say that out loud.


it's not very good!

[ Both Laugh ]

I love Manny.

But sometimes I- Just be a boy.

Go outside. Kick a ball.
Steal something. Oh-

[ Screams ]
It feels so good.

[ Laughing ]

[ Manny ]
Maybe to you.

No, Manny. ¡Ay!

I was talking about another Manny
that I know long time ago.



You know, more people have died hiking
than in the entire Civil War.

Okay, what book
did you read that in?

Book? Wake up and smell
the Internet, grandma.

You know Mom's just gonna
want us to apologize.

Well, we did kind of ruin
her Mother's Day.

No. She ruined her Mother's Day.

She took us to a place
she knew we wouldn't like,

and then we complained for, like,
a second and we're the bad guys?

That's a good point. You ever get the
feeling she does this intentionally?

- Why would she do that?
- So she can make us feel guilty.

Exactly. And the next time we're choosing
what to do, she gets her way again.

And the next time and the next time,

and eventually
it's Mother's Day every day.

Wow. Mom's really smart.

Well, not smarter than me. Well-

I say we don't apologize this time.

Let her know
we're onto her little game.

We could change the way
this whole family operates.

Okay, so nobody says
they're sorry. Got it?

Keep your mouth shut
when she comes back.

If she comes back.

Jay teared up in front of me.

He'd never shown me that kind of
vulnerability, and it embarrassed him.

I'd shamed the proud lion.

Only thing to do-

hug the proud lion.

Oh, I could get bit.

I could get scratched.

But you know what's inside every lion?
A pussycat.

I need you to get away from me.

Okay, I'm just gonna
say this one time so we can move on.

It's okay.

You know what “it” is?

It's you crying.
Which I didn't.

You teared up.
It was the onions.

Okay. Okay.

Maybe, um- Maybe I'm just
putting myself in your place.

But if I came across something from my
childhood and it reminded me of my mom,

I might get a little misty,
maybe even wanna talk about it.


So proud.

They offered me a bouquet, Mitchell.

Which you accepted.

Why can't you ever take my side?

They think of me as a woman.

Cam, no.
We're just a new type of family.

They don't have
the right vocabulary for us yet.

They need one of us
to be the mom.

So why does it have to be me?
Do I wear a dress?

That's a nightshirt.

It's kind of satiny.

What are you saying?
Come on, you know.

No. No, no. No, no. I don't know.

All right,
if I'm thinking about it-

Of the two of us, if I had to pick,

I-I might say
that you're slightly mom-er.

Excuse me. Can you throw that ball?

- Can I throw a ball?
- [ Laughs]

You don't- You don't think
I can throw a ball? Cam-

No, no. That's not what he said.

Apparently, this gentleman
doesn't think I can throw a ball.

- Well, that's not what he said.
- You don't think I can throw a ball? Well, let's find out.


- [ Grunting]
- [ Mitchell] Oh, God, he looks old.

Oh! Oh, sorry!
Cam- Hands.


There you go.

Ay Manny, I didn't mean any of it.

Please, forgive me.

I don't think I can.
Let's just get in the van.

Oh. Sorry for the rhyme.
I know how you hate my poetry.

Please, stop my suffering.

Say something terrible about me...

so that we can be even
like a Steven.

Why would I say something terrible
to someone I love?

I curse my tongue!

I'm gonna intervene here.

Manny, let's talk
about what really happened.

Your mom said you should go out
and throw a ball around.

That can't be the first
time you've heard that. No.

But there was some hurtful stuff
said about my poetry.

Which your mom regrets.

I do.

So, that's what parents are for.

Sometimes they criticize
because it helps make you stronger.

Kids these days get-get trophies
just for showing up.

What's that gonna lead to?
A bunch of 30-year-olds living at home.

Manny, your mother
loves you very much.

She's a human being.
So she let off a little steam.

Honestly, it's probably a great thing
for your relationship.

I guess I can-

He needs
to know the real truth.

Manny, Claire was feeling bad...

because she wants
to hit her own children.

So I tried to make her feel better
by inventing terrible things about you.

You mean, you don't have
a problem with my poetry?

No. The only problem that I have
is that I never have enough of it.

Mm. Mm. You're the perfect
kid in every way.

Ay, mi amor.
Wow. That's healthy.

[Alex] Good.
You're back. Uh-huh.

Are we done?
Unless you have something to say...

to the person who gave you life
on her special day.


I'm good.

How about my baby Luke?



[ Mitchell ] Hey. Hey.


What's this?
It's a Mother's Day card.

And I know- Stop it. Okay-

Cam, that was...
Gloria's card from Manny.

But I just wanted you to see what its
definition for “mother” was on it.

It's “Warm,” “nurturing,”
“supportive.” I-

Maybe when the world sees
you- Not just the world.

Fine. Fine. Me too.

But maybe this is what we're seeing,

and I don't know
why that's such a bad thing.

It certainly doesn't make you
less of a man. Right?

Maybe you're right.

Come on. Let's join the party.

And, Cam, put down the scotch.
You're not fooling anyone.

It is so burn-y. My God.

Come on, people! Everybody to the table!


[Video Game Blips]

It's just hard, you know,
having your Mother's Day ruined.


I never thought it would be you, Lucas.

[ Sniffles ]

Don't even think about it.
But she's sad.

Sad she's losing.

She just hit you with her best shot.
We need to stay strong.

But I feel-
Don't feel.

Just go splash water on your face
and man up.

We're your mother now.

How was your day with my dad?

Awkward, actually.

He, um- He cried a little.

My dad?

Dad what?
He cried.

I didn't say he cried.

Who cried? My dad. Stop.

Why would you make Jay sob like that?
I didn't make him sob.

He teared up when I found this poem
he wrote for his mom as a boy.

[ Together]

What is “aw”?
Phil saw Dad cry.

Jay misses his mama.

Everybody stop.
Is anybody hungry?

- What?
- You cried for your mommy.

Oh, crap. I did not.
Yes. Phil just told-

No, that's not true. She's a liar.

What's wrong with you?

I know you would all be so happy...

if you thought I had some big emotional
moment about my mom, but I didn't.

- So you don't miss your mom?
- Of course I do. She was a great lady.

And she also left me a fantastic recipe
for sauce, which now is getting cold.

So can we please eat? Let's eat.

Hear! Hear!
Just grab some wine.

Oh, my gosh. Smell that.

It smells like Grandma's house.
Hey, you guys remember that?

- I remember the first time I cut spaghetti.
- “Eh-eh.”

And that's what she did. “Eh-eh.”

“You can't out spaghetti.”
She taught me to twirl.

Oh, she's the one.
[Jay] Yeah, she was tough.

I remember I had this little league
coach, and one time after a game,

he was laying into me about
something- I don't remember.

But Mom comes charging out of the stands.
She goes right up to the guy.

Face-to-face. Nose to nose.

And she says to him,
“Let me tell you something. Nobody,

and I mean nobody yells at my little...


Oh, my God.
It's happening again.

It's okay, Jay. Let it out. Let it out.

You only get one mom.

I'm sorry, Mom.

Me too.

Bottle of red. Bottle of- what?

[ Phil sighs]

Oh, yeah.
And I'm the weak one?


I'm good.

[All Groan]

Phil, come on. Oh, honey.
[ Kids Groan ]

- Oh. I'm sorry.
- Get off of me.

I'm sorry.

[ Lily Crying ]

I think she's calling you.

Don't even try.
I have that pottery class in the morning.

[ Crying Continues ]

Jay, let's go to bed.
I'll be right up.



Son of a bitch.

English - US - PSDH