Modern Family (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 20 - Someone to Watch Over Lily - full transcript

Want some coffee?

Say yes. It's French press.

I was doubtful too,

but I honestly can't see myself
going back to drip.

I'm so happy you don't live
in a tough neighborhood any more.

We're so sorry for just
dropping by like this.

Are you kidding me?

I'll take any chance to spend time
with this little princess.

I love her little hair,
her little toes.

And she loves
her grandmother.

I don't love “grandmother.”



So Cam and I have been
revising our will...

to specify who should
take care of Lily...

if, God forbid, something
happened to us.

God forbid.
I said God for-

So we've been dropping by unannounced to,
you know, casually assess our candidates.

Not all of our candidates.

No, that's true.
We did not drop by Missourah.

It's Missouri. No one from
Missouri would say “Missourah.”

I'm so sorrah.

So anyway, Claire and Phil
were our first thought,

so we dropped by their place
last week.

[ Crockery Shatters ]

You win the award
for worst mother ever!

I will be sure to thank you
in my speech.



Phil! The frying pan's
on fire!

Son of Jor-El!
Everybody stay calm!

Dad, I'm gonna teach myself
how to juggle.

Good for you, buddy.

Mom! No one
heard me screaming?

I've been trapped in the
garage for, like, 20 minutes!

And yet still you didn't get the rat traps
I sent you for. Thank you.

- Honey! It's doing it again!
- Come on now! Every morning?

- [ Fire Alarm Beeping ]
- [ Haley] I hope the whole house burns down!

Did we come
at a bad time?

Come back in seven years and five
months, when they're all gone!

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪♪

[ Shouting ] So, Mama,
you're good for coal?

Okay! Okay, well, bundle up!
We don't want to lose you!

Yeah, bye!

They're in the middle
of a terrible blizzard.

So you shouted.

Did they really lose
two cows?

Oh, yeah. Frozen solid.
Mama's gonna send pictures.

Oh, yay, a reason to stop by
the frame store.

Manny, I gotta get you down
to that sporting goods place.

Gotta get him some stuff
for his weekend outing.

- Ready!
- Did you pee?

Not ready.

Jay, would you mind if we came?
Sure. Why not?

I'd like to get Mama some
Snowshoes, lift her spirits,

what with all the frozen cows.

So cows freeze now?

Are we all just accepting that?

Oh, absolutely.
Jay, this one time-

We'll take two cars.

If you want, I can stay
with the little princess.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Oh, yeah, I'll just go out
and get her bag.

Maybe I take her to the mall,

buy her a new outfit,
get her some hair rings.

- Is that okay?
- Yes, yes. Of course.

[ Door Closes ]

You know, Gloria,
Cam and I were talking...

about what would happen to Lily if
anything were ever to happen to us.

And we were thinking- Oh, my God!
¡Si, si, si! I take her!

That's very sweet, but you
realize it would only happen-

I can't wait!
Hopefully, it's a long shot.

¡Ay! A little girl!

There would have to be
a very tragic accident.

I know, I know.

Nothing is going to happen.
No.

But if it did,
we would be so happy!

[ Laughing ]
¡Ay!

So what do you say, pal?
I gotta swing by the office.

- You wanna come along?
- Can't. We got some stuff to do.

- What?
- Just errands.

Oh.

I'm taking Luke to see
a child psychologist.

This is something that Phil
would never agree to.

He doesn't want Luke
to feel different.

But Luke's grades aren't great, and he's
having trouble concentrating in school.

I just want to make sure
that he's normal.

Hey, Mom. Check it out.
What are you doing?

If I move my head fast enough, it
looks like the can is standing still.

'Cause sometimes I wonder.

All the girls at work love it
when I bring Luke by.

Especially that receptionist
Heather. Right, buddy?

She smells amazing.

Honey, you're gonna have to smell
Daddy's receptionist some other time.

Like peaches.

If you're both going out,
who's taking me to cello?

One time, she gave me a Woody.
Sweet Je-

She remembered he's my favorite
character from Toy Story

She did. Uh.

Haley, how are you
getting to the mall?

Gabby's picking me up.

You're gonna drop your sister off
at her cello lesson first.

[ Sighs ] No way.
She plays lacrosse and takes cello lessons.

Even my reputation
can't handle that dork hit.

Okay, well, then you don't need to go
snowboarding with your friends on break.

- Fine, I'll take her.
- Mm-hmm.

Just never look my friends in the eye,
and only speak in emergencies.

Got it. [ Imitates
Buzzer] Already failed.

Honey, after I go by the office,
maybe we can grab some lunch.

I can't. I gotta pick up
all that stuff for the school trip.

- But you know what? I'll see you
tonight at Dad and Gloria's. - Okay.

- Smell Heather for me.
- I always do... not.

[ Door Opens ]
Ms. Dunphy?

Hi, Dr. Klausner.
I am so sorry we're late.

We got a little caught
up- Oh, that's okay.

It gave me a chance
to chat with your husband.

Hello, Claire.

So,Luke,
come on in with me.

Mom and Dad, we'll let you
know when we need you.

Go get 'em, pal.

[ Door Closes ]

How did you-
How did I what?

Know you were someplace
you left no trace of...

except for a tiny notation
in your calendar?

It was quite simple, really.

I noticed a tiny nota-

Shoot

[Alex] That's weird.
My cello teacher's car isn't here.

I wonder if she's not home.
So go knock on the door, Alan Einstein.

Don't leave.
And it's “Albert.”

I know. Alan's his dorky brother
who played the cello.

Good one.
[Laughs]

[ Gabby] I should probably
not be telling you this.

What? Nothing. It's really bad.

[ Gasps ] Tell me.
When you and Dylan were broken up,

Rachel told him you were a
skank and got all up on him.

No! But she's so nice to me.

To your face.
That's how she plays.

Now she's gonna see how we play.
What are we gonna do?

She's not there.
You're just gonna have to take me home.

We don't have time.
We have stuff to do.

Then I'm just gonna
have to come with you.

Can't we drop her off
at a coffee shop or something?

What, so she gets kidnapped
and I get in trouble? No, thank you.

Fine, you can come with us,

but you have to keep your mouth
shut about anything you see.

What's she gonna see?
Just drive.

Ooh, maybe I should also
get a gift for my Aunt Pat.

Have I ever told you about her?

Total gun nut,
lives completely off the grid.

Did you see how cute
Gloria was with Lily?

Pat is hilarious.
I don't think she's paid taxes in 20 years.

But very hospitable.
Always has a deer in the freezer.

Would you listen to me? I think that Gloria
and my dad could be Lily's guardians.

Look, you know I love Jay,
and they're still in the mix.

But I just don't know
about him raising a child.

Well, Cam, he raised me.

Well, now you've put me
in an awkward position.

Oh, look at that.
That's adorable.

Let's see if we can get you some snow pants.
I just wish I felt better.

I think I'm coming down
with flu-like symptoms.

A couple of hours before your
camping trip, huh? I want to go.

It's just, if I'm sick,
I might get the chaperones sick.

And without chaperones, it's anarchy.
Manny, listen to me.

The buddy system falls apart.
The principle of “last in, first out” is ignored.

It's butterflies.
Where?

You're just nervous because there's
gonna be a lot of physical activity,

which is not exactly
your strong suit.

It is a little daunting out there.

Listen, don't use the word
“daunting” in nature, okay?

You just need a little
self-confidence.

Look at this. They got
one of these rock walls here.

Why don't you hop up on that?

Why? Why?
To prove that you can do it.

You can do that, you can do anything.
Really.

Can I fly?
Can I speak Chinese?

No, but you can sleep
in the house tonight.

Ace, you wanna wire my boy up here?
Go ahead.

I'm sorry I went
behind your back.

But you get so defensive whenever
we talk about Luke's issues.

He doesn't have issues.
You're just a worrier.

Like when you thought
he was never gonna talk.

He was two, and all
he could do was bark.

I understood him.
Phil!

Look, he starts coming here, the other
kids find out, he becomes a target-

like that limping gazelle at the watering
hole that the alligator knows to eat.

Crocodiles. Not alligators.
There are no alligators in Africa.

How about the zoo?
Bam!

Who needs a shrink now?
[ Door Opens ]

- Mr. and Mrs. Dunphy.
- Yes. Hi.

Luke, I'm gonna talk to your
mom and dad for a minute, okay?

Okay. She's, like,
the best doctor ever.

A couple of puzzles,
no shots.

I didn't even have
to take my pants off.

Found that one out
a little late.

I've been there, buddy.

Mmm!
[ Kisses ]

Well, Luke's a terrific kid.
I have a few thoughts.

But honestly, I don't see
anything that's cause for alarm.

Awesome. Thanks so much
for your time.

We would love to hear
your thoughts.

Well-
[ Toy Squeaks ]

He's a bright and curious boy,
but he gets distracted.

[ Together]
Mm-hmm.

I see it all the time
with above-average kids.

Mm-hmm.

Phil, honey, I want you to hear this.
Mm-hmm.

They're a little overstimulated because there
are so many things they're interested in.

They never seem to focus.
Makes me crazy.

- Too crazy.
- They usually do outgrow it.

What if they don't?
He will.

Well, there's medication, but why don't
we cross that bridge if we come to it?

Is there any way to avoid
that bridge altogether?

You know, maybe
there's diet...

or focusing exercises
or something?

Ms. Dunphy, what exactly
are you worried about?

Get comfortable.

I'm worried
he's turning into you, Phil.

I knew the minute I opened my
mouth that I was in the wrong.

But honestly, sometimes
I wonder about him.

- Hey, Mom. Check it out.
- What are you doing?

If I move my head fast enough, it
looks like the can is standing still.

[ Laughing ]
He's totally right.

I just find it interesting that
you blame Jay for everything...

from your night terrors
to your shy bladder,

and now he's the perfect
guardian for Lily.

No, not perfect. And I never said
anything about my shy bladder.

Oh, then why did I have to stand
guard outside the bathroom...

at Pepper's Three Faces
of New Year's Eve party?

Damn it, Manny!
Move it! Go!

It's scary.

You're two feet
off the ground.

I've seen vines climb walls faster than that.
Move your butt.

Oh, there's your esteem-building
parent right there.

Wait, wait. I think
I hear future Lily...

sending us a message
from her stripper pole.

“Thanks, gay dead dads.
This dance is for you.”

- Excuse me, Jay?
- I'm getting down.

Not till you touch the top!
What is it?

Maybe if we didn't bully Manny
so much, but rather showed him,

he wouldn't be so afraid.

Excuse me, Sherpa.
Could you assist me with the harness?

[ Backwoods Accent]
Oh, no.

Which one of these
is my driving machine?

Phil, I already apologized.
It just came out wrong.

[ Normal Voice ] Oh, funny, I thought
that was my problem- I came out wrong.

Hold on.
[ Loud Chewing ]

Oh, good.
I can walk again.

Honey, you know sometimes you can act a
little bit- Oh, no! Where did everyone go?

Oh, just a blink.

Phil, when you are ready to talk to me
like an adult, why don't you let me know?

Fine. Okay, okay.

The adults were
the big ones, right?

[Tires Squealing]

Hey, how do you think
that got up there?

Uh-oh.

Now, I know it seems daunting, Manny,
but it's very simple.

I'm securely hitched to a rope,
which means I'm not going to fall.

Dad, you're really making my
life difficult right now. How?

By barking at Manny
like a drill sergeant...

when I'm trying to convince Cam that
you'd be a great guardian for Lily.

Guardian?
Yeah.

You're kidding.

[ Cam Screams ]

[ Crying ] Jay!
Yeah, never mind.

That really hurt!

This is a mistake.

Why does she
keep saying that?

Because they're the first
words she ever heard.

Here, you go first.

This will teach
that skank a lesson.

Shaving cream in her locker?
Just stand over there and yell if someone's coming.

She might have homework assignments
in there she hasn't handed in yet.

[ Sighs ]
Haley.

[ Door Opens ]

Someone's coming.
Run!

[ Footsteps Approaching ]
[ Excited Whispering, Indistinct]

Where are we?
Boys' locker room.

It smells like feet.
That's not feet.

Okay, come here.

I'm so scared.
Just go to your happy place.

We just broke into
my happy place.

[ Man ] Who's there?
[ Both Gasp ]

[ Both Laughing ]

[ Shushing ]
[ Door Opens ]

Go, go! Run!
Oh, no!

Not so loud. Run.
[Both Laughing, Squealing]

So how you doin'?
Oh, not good.

I'm just glad my clown training
prepared me to take a fall like that.

Yeah, and in terms
of talking about it,

are we looking at weeks, months?

Do not minimize it, you who I had
to rush to the emergency room...

that time you
fell out of your clogs.

There's your bubbly water with lemon.
Thank you, Jay.

How you doin”?
Oh, it's hard to tell.

You know, anytime you have a
catastrophic injury to your lumbar area-

I could use a little piece
of lumbar myself right now.

Well, I hope you're comfortable now...

making my family Lily's guardians.

¡Hola! ¡Hola!

You're forgetting about Gloria.
Even you have to admit how amazing she is with Lily.

Mmm! Look who's so pretty!

- Oh, my God!
- Gloria, what did you do?

- What I told you.
- You pierced her ears?

What I said. I was going
to make her pretty with earrings.

I thought you said “hair rings.”

What are hair rings?
Yes, Mitchell, what are hair rings?

Something that would tie
your hair back- She said it.

I didn't say hair rings.
I said earrings!

- You don't like?
- Of course not. You punctured our daughter.

But did you see both sides?
I didn't just do the gay ear.

- Look.
- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

We actually-
I think we're good.

Let's just wait in here
for Gabby, okay?

Oh, my God.
I can't believe we just did that.

Can you believe we just did that?
Yeah, we had a lot of fun.

Let's not geek it up.

Wait. What if I have
a taste for it now?

Am I gonna start doing stuff
like that all the time?

Calm down.
You just did one bad thing.

Two.

I skipped my cello lesson today.

Wasn't even where
my teacher lives.

You ditched a class?

Well, I didn't have time to practice
because of lacrosse and debate team and-

Do you even like
playing the cello?

[ Scoffs ]
Yeah.

- Alex.
- [ Sighs]

I hate it.

So quit.
I've never quit anything.

You never broke into
a school before,

but just did that.

No offense, but the family's hopes
and dreams are kind of pinned on me.

I'm just saying,
is that no one would blame you...

if you stopped being so perfect.

It actually would take
a lot of pressure off of me.

I did something bad too,
something that nobody knows.

- What?
- Come here.

I can't say it too loud, okay?
What did you do?

[ Both Shrieking ]

Phil, I'm just not sure you
understand why I said what I said.

There are qualities about me you wish you could
change but you can't, 'cause I'm all grown up,

but it's not too late for Luke.

All right.

Honey, there are a hundred
things about Luke...

that he gets from you
that I absolutely love.

It's just this- this one tiny part that I'm
sure if I could just get in there and just-

Claire, he's a great kid.
He's gonna be fine.

I know.

I think I know.

I feel terrible that we
fought in front of him.

Did he say anything about that
on the drive here?

How would I know?
He rode with you.

He didn't drive with me.
He drove with you.

Just admit it. You want Lily
raised by anyone but my family.

It's just so far away
from everything she knows.

And then there's the crazy aunts
and the frozen cows. Oh, please.

In the last hour, your father publicly
shamed Manny, dropped me from the sky,

while his wife drilled holes
in our baby's head.

Which is why I think we should
revisit Claire and Phil.

Where are my keys?

We left Luke alone
in a parking garage!

We don't know the whole story.

- [ Door Closes ]
- Don't we?

Whose car are we taking?
Mine.

Then I'm driving.

Hey, Mom.

Buddy!
Luke!

Buddy.
Lukey!

Honey!
Thank you so much.

Get out of there.
Thank you.

I'm so sorry.
We are so sorry. Oh, buddy.

You must have been so scared.
No.

What happened?

I knew you'd come back. Uh-huh.

Then you didn't.
So I had to go find a phone.

That's when I saw a stray dog,
and I played with him for a while.

Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.

Then I thought I saw Mrs.
Morgan, my first-grade teacher,

going into a church.

It wasn't her,
but there was a wedding there,

and that's where
I met the Litvaks.

Oh, thank you. Thank you so much.
Congratul-tov.

[ Engine Starts]

oh, baby.

Can I go get a drink?
Yes.

Yes, you can.
You can drink whatever you want.

There's tons of soda in there.

[ Exhales ]

What an amazing kid.

I can't believe I ever worried
about him out in the world.

It's just-
[ Exhales ]

That's what I do, though, isn't it?
I worry.

I worry. I think about a tiny little thing,
and then I obsess on it...

until suddenly it's the only thing
I can think about.

God, please don't let me
screw up our son.

Hey. Hey.

You know why else
he's gonna be okay?

No.

Because somewhere out there
is a worried little girl...

who's making lists
and labeling bins, and...

he's gonna find her.

[Sniffles]
Mmm!

[ Groans ]

Cam. I know you're kind of down
on Jay being Lily's guardian.

Now, that's not anything
you need to worry about, Manny.

I just think you're
being too hard on him.

We had a little chat
in the car.

I'm sorry I let you down, Jay.

I'm starting to think if I couldn't even get
up that wall, then why am I even going-

Knock it off, Manny.
We both know you could get up that wall.

Now why are you trying
to get out of this trip?

I'm not. I'm excited to go.
Manny.

Okay. I have some concerns
about the shower situation.

Oh. Because?

- Well, I'm pretty much at my target weight.
- That's good.

But the thing is, I haven't
quite reached my target height.

Got it.

First of all,
you don't have to go.

I'll write you a note.
We'll plan on doing something fun this weekend.

Really?
You bet.

And you're not mad at me?

Look, if you were a different
kid, I'd give you the speech.

You know- “We all have insecurities.
You've gotta be brave here.”

But let's face it.
You're already about the bravest kid I know.

I am?
Come on.

You wear blazers to school.
You play the pan flute.

You- You read poetry to girls.

I couldn't even talk to girls
when I was your age.

Shower thing's nothing
compared to all that.

But whatever you decide,
I'm behind you.

No. I got that set up
just right.

I told you
about that before.

Jay said that?
Yeah.

And he wasn't drinking
or anything.

So what are you gonna do?
I think I'm gonna go.

I mean, if Reuben can go
with that extra nipple-

[ Chuckles ]
I'm proud of you, Manny.

You're doing the right thing.
Trust me.

I mean, what were you
thinking, Gloria?

Ay, Mitch,
I said I was sorry.

But I had them
since I was two.

Huge ones.

What is she- Earrings, Phil.
Earrings.

Mitch, I just wanna tell you
how really touched I was-

you wanting me
to be Lily's guardian.

Oh, you're welcome.
And you're out.

Excuse me, I have a very
important announcement to make.

[Cell Phone Ringing]

Oh. Sorry.

Sorry. So rude. Totally inexcusable.
[ Phone Beeps]

Y'ello?

Mitchell and I have decided that if, God
forbid, anything should happen to us-

We don't have to do
this right now. No.

We would like Jay and Gloria
to be Lily's guardians.

Cam?
It's the right decision.

Ah! That is great news!

Lily, when something
horrible happens,

you're going to be
all mine!

It really is an “if” situation.

All mine!

I don't mean to ruin
this really beautiful moment,

but were Phil and I even considered
for the position? Claire.

I mean, we are the parents of three
healthy, well-adjusted children-

Honey, we need to go down to the police station.
Our daughters just vandalized the school.

This is not over.

Let's go see
your new room, Liliana.

No, that's not her name.

Hey.

What are you doing home?

- I bailed on yoga.
- Oh, yeah, yeah.

Could you go to the mailbox
and get me-

- Why can't I just come in?
- You can. I just-

Cameron?
What?

Look at me.
I am.

What did you do?

I am home alone
for a lot of hours!

Carmen Miranda!

I just wanted a couple
before the holes closed up.

- Oh, Cameron.
- [ Whimpers]

Just get one with me really quick.
Okay.

All right. Hey.
One for Daddy. Whoo!

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