Modern Family (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 2 - The Kiss - full transcript

Cameron is upset with Mitchell's lack of public affection, Gloria gets back at Jay for disrespecting her Colombian traditions, and Claire goes overboard as Alex tries to get her first kiss.

How can we don't have the same
number of containers and lids?

Why would they ever get separated?

Built-up resentment, money issues,

met a younger lid.

Mom, where's my science homework?

It's over there on the table.

So, Alex, honey, what's going on?

Anything exciting?

Any boys?

I'm feeling a little bit disconnected
from Alex right now. Last week,

I picked up her cellphone
thinking it was mine,

and I accidentally read
a few flirty text messages

that were probably from a boy
in her class, which is fine.

Or they're from a drifter.

Come on, isn't there something
you wanna share with your mommers?

Don't call yourself "mommers."

He blew his lid
when she tried to contain him.

Subtitles by MiniBen314

- Okay. What do you think?
- I like it.

- But you don't love it.
- I do. I love it.

As much as you loved the other one?

The house is on fire. I only
have time to grab one shirt.

Which one do I take?

The correct answer is take Lily.

- After that.
- Okay, the blue one.

Because the gray one washes me out.

You can't go wrong here.
Everything you've tried on looks great.

- I love you in both of them.
- You're so nice to me.

Mitchell has a problem with

public displays of affection.

I remember once at a New Year's
Eve party, stroke of midnight,

he high-fived me.

Two problems with that...

One, gays don't high-five.

Two, gays don't high-five.

I'm home!

What smells so good?

I'm making chunchullo,
a traditional Colombian dish,

- for dinner with the family tonight.
- Chunchullo.

What is that... Like, tacos?

Yes, like tacos.

No, it isn't.

- It's the small intestine of a pig.
- Geez.

Why can't we eat regular food
like normal people?

I told you, Jay.

My grandmother, who rests in peace,

has been coming to me in my dreams,

telling me that I'm losing touch
with my roots.

See, this is awkward,

because my dead uncle Joe
told me to have steak tonight.

Jay, have some respect.

My grandmother can hear you.

What do you mean, she can hear us?

Well, in our culture,
we believe the dead

- are all around us.
- She's right, Manny.

She could be right here,

her bony fingers
reaching out from the grave.

Keep it up, Jay.

There's already
one dead person in this room.

- You wanna make it two?
- Sorry. I've got a printer to install.

Have your grandmother run me up
an iced tea in 10 minutes.

She has a better chance
of making that work than you!

Why don't you save us the stomping
and the swearing and call Phil?

- He's good at that stuff.
- Better than me?

Phil's not better than me
at anything,

except maybe making that
stupid sound with his mouth.

A what, what?

You spit on me.

Haley, honey,
I need you to do something for me.

Mom, my arm hurts.

Why don't you find out what it is before
making up excuses to get out of it?

- Okay, what is it?
- I need you to talk to your sister.

I think that there's something
going on with her and a boy.


So, I am your mother,
and it is my job to make sure

you girls don't get involved
with a predator.

Stop watching Dateline.
And why can't you just talk to her?

I have tried to talk to her.

She won't talk to me.
You know that.

That's because you get so weird
every time a boy comes near us.

I just don't want you girls to...

To make the same mistakes
that you did?

I'm not an idiot.
I pick up on things.

And I don't think you were the good girl
you pretend you were.

That is so untrue.
I was a very good girl.

Your kids don't need to know
who you were before you had them.

But who you wish you were, and they need
to try to live up to that person.

They're gonna fall short, but,
better they fall short of the fake you

- than the real you.
- Which is why we don't hide anything.

That's the opposite
of what I just said.

I was not listening.

I'll say it again...
I love you in paisley.

Let me lock the door
and draw the curtains.

What does that mean?

- It doesn't mean anything.
- Good.

You know exactly what it means.
You won't kiss me in front of people

because you're ashamed
of who you are.

And, yes... I went there.

You can't say, "Yes, I went there,"
when you go there all the time.

And, by the way, I'm the one
who makes speeches on airplanes

every time someone looks at us weird.
I'm the one who gives my dad hell

when he refers to you
as my "friend".

That's different. That's confrontation.
But you know what takes real strength?


- Affection.
- This is insane.

Buying a shirt is not
a kiss-worthy moment.

I didn't know there was a list.
Please, tell us... What is on the list?

I'll tell you what's not on the list...
Finding jalape?o-stuffed olives,

making the light on Maple,
every time we see a VW.

- You don't like "kiss-buggy"?
- It's not a real game!

It's just another way for you
to be needy.

I don't appreciate
you making me feel bad

because I can't live up
to your impossible standards.

- Nobody kisses at a bowling alley!
- I almost got a turkey!


- Just a sec. I'll go get Claire.
- Actually, it's you I'm calling.

What was that?

- The cat. There's a cat. What's up?
- Gloria's been missing her grandmother.

I've been trying to get
this old picture of her printed,

- but I can't get this new printer to...
- I'll be right there.

Luke, grandpa needs us!

Hells yes, I was glad
to get the call.

Jay's always around here
fixing things,

cracking jokes
about my "delicate hands" or my...

gag response to the smell of paint.

Look who needs me now...

Mr. Hot-dog fingers
who can't press "print"

without hitting three extra keys.

You're in my house now, Jay!

Technically, we'll be in his house,
but we'll be in my area...

of his house.

- So, I hear you have a boyfriend.
- No, I don't.

- Who is he?
- I'm not talking to you about this.

Come on. You're finally interesting.
Just tell me.

He's not my boyfriend.

It's Jeremy Reed.

He's just this boy that I...


Well, have you guys kissed yet?

- Well, what are you waiting for?
- I'm not waiting. I'm 13.

- And you've never kissed a boy?
- How old were you?

Like 11.

And it was beautiful.

I was in Jackson Kaner's
carpeted garage.

- 11?
- Yeah.

So you better get on it, or else
he's gonna think you're a lesbian.

He's not.

I thought you were.
You totally have the sandals for it.

Let's see this bad boy.

A P-750. Nice unit.

I would have sprung for the 840,
but I get it...

Not everyone can handle
that kind of horsepower.

Maybe the cordless phone
was interfering, so I unplugged it.

Good idea.
Maybe we should run downstairs

and unplug the toaster
while we're at it.

Snap, dad.


We're kidding. Your cordless phone
is 5.8 gigahertz.

This is Wi-Fi.
It's a totally different spectrum.

Walk with me?

Here's a little trick that I've found
pretty useful with Claire.

The computer and the printer must
talk, talk, talk

"Command-P" makes the picture
walk, walk, walk

- How come it's not working?
- It should be.

That should be printing.

I'm gonna get a beer, beer, beer

before I hit you
in the head, head, head.

- Hey. What are you doing here?
- Hi, Jeremy.

- I wanna ask you something.
- Sure, ask...

Wait, don't talk yet.
Here's the thing.

We've been texting for a while,
and it's been nice,

but I feel like it's leading
to something else, and,

I don't know if you do or not, but,
I guess what I'm trying to say is,

I'm just a girl
standing in front of a boy

asking for him to like her.

God, that's from Notting Hill.

So dorky.
But a really underrated movie.

What's happening?

I'm not a lesbian.

I would like for you to kiss me.

I love watching you stir.

Then I will stop.

What? Are you still mad at me?

Yes. You have to apologize
for making fun of my culture,

my beliefs,
my chunchullo, my abuela.

I'm sorry.

If you think your grandmother's
here with us, I respect that.

Now, come here.

Grandma! Where'd you come from?

We're gonna have
to get you a little bell.

Enough, Jay!

My culture is very important to me!

I've been working all day to share it
with your family tonight,

and all you do is mock me!
Just go!

Honey, I'm sorry.
I'm just teasing you.

Instead of being the comedian,
why don't you help me?

What do you need?

- Slap the chicken.
- Do what?

In Colombia, when you cook
in honor of the departed,

you have to scare death
away from the food

to protect the people
that are gonna eat it.

Slap it and yell.

That's the nuttiest...

Calm down.

Give me the chicken.

Here we go.

That's not scaring anything away.

When my grandfather used to cook,
the whole house would shake.




Higher! Louder! There!

I made all that up.

That's not a real custom
in Colombia.

We're not lunatics.

But you mess with us,
and we mess with you.

That's the custom.


- Honey. Where'd you go?
- Nowhere. Just for a bike ride.

My God! Puh-lease tell me
this text is wrong!

Did you really just
go over to that kid's house

and try and kiss him
in front of a million people?!

- Did you do that?
- You got a text?

Everybody knows.

Do you know how embarrassing
this is for me?!

This is all your fault!
You're the one

who said I had to kiss him
or I was a lesbian!

Did you say that to her?!

Don't turn this on me.
Look at her shoes!

I'm never going back to school now.

No, sweetheart.
Yes, you are going back to school.

But listen to me... Just because
a boy sends you flirty texts

- doesn't mean you have...
- What?! You read my texts?!

You read her texts?!
That's why you made me talk to her?!

You made her talk to me?!

I kind of feel like
we're spinning out here a little bit.

Look, Alex, the important thing here

is that you have to be very careful
how you behave around boys

because it is so easy
to get a reputation.

I'm sorry I'm not a perfect
little good girl like you were!

Were you?

Were you?!

I highly doubt it!

Don't be such a chicken.
There's no ghost in here.

I'm telling you,

my mom said her dead grandmother
was in the house.

She said she felt her here
this morning... in this room.

Maybe your mom's mentally ill.

Who puts a router...

in the attic?

Did she have a limp

and a cane?

Ghost of Manny's great-grandma,

if that's really you,

show yourself!

That's her!

Come on!



- Hi, grandpa.
- How we doing, girls?

- Mom ruined my life today.
- I didn't.

Don't even talk to me!
I didn't even want to come here.

Well, okay.

Snacks and and sodas
are in the living room,

but don't fill up...
We've got intestines coming.

Dad, if you're looking for your shoes,
I think I know where they are.

This happens to be a Colombian custom.
Walking in the footsteps

of the ancestors, blah, blah, blah.
Beats slapping the chicken.

- Here, I brought you a drink.
- Wait a minute...

sip it first.

I'm not mad at you.

I thought about it,
and maybe you're right.

- I can be a little needy sometimes.
- Well...

I appreciate that.

And you're probably not
entirely off base.

I mean, lord knows
I've got my quirks.

And I'm not the most
demonstrative guy around, but,

I'm working on it.

- And I'm gonna help you.
- Good.

Just don't give up on me.


Okay, everybody, let's gather around!
Jay, come here.

Tonight we dine on the traditional

Colombian recipes of my abuela,
my grandmother.

And even though
she's no longer with me,

I am very happy
because I have all of you.

To Ana-Mar?a Rosa
de la Immaculada Jimenez Morales.

That was beautiful, Gloria,
just like my Mitchell.

Just slipped right off there.

Cameron, what happened?

One moment you were there,
the next, only shoes.

I'll tell you what happened...
Mitchell is embarrassed to kiss me

- in front of other people.
- No, you ambushed me!

Don't take it personally.
When Mitchell was in High School,

he was dating Robin Schiller.
He would never kiss her, either.

That's because I was gay.

What's your excuse now?

It's not Mitch's fault.
He gets it from his father.

Jay doesn't like the lovey-dovey
in public, either.

I can't believe
you're coming at me right now.

I'm standing here with shoes
around my neck,

and for the better part of a half-hour,
I screamed the death out of your meat.

- Now, what do you want from me?
- Don't you see?

It's because of you that your son
cannot kiss his own lover.

- Don't say "lover."
- We don't like "lover."

Can we just eat?

Tell Mitch that it's okay
to kiss Cam in front of you.

Why is that something we have to do?

- We don't.
- Of course we don't.

I'm sorry that I don't want to make out
with you in front of my whole family.

No need to apologize.

Gloria is right.

You being so emotionally closed off,
makes it very difficult

- for your children to show affection.
- Really?

You had trouble showing
affection in public places?

- Yes!
- You?

Was that before or after you were
delivered to my door in a squad car,

wearing nothing but your
underwear and a police blanket?

- My God. What?
- You were arrested?

- Awesome!
- Not awesome. And I wasn't arrested.

Your grandfather
was just telling a joke.

It was just a joke.
I got a million of 'em.

I did it! It's printing!

I had to download new firmware,
install new drivers,

change your encryption, and replace
an ethernet cable in a 100-degree attic,

while dodging
particularly aggressive spiders,

- but I did it!
- Thanks.

Okay. I guess that's it.

What? What's it?

Wake up, dummy.

This is what we're talking about.

This guy's been working
like an imbecile all day for you.

People need something else...
Kisses, hugs.

What, for fixing a printer?

That was fine.
It was only four hours.

I tipped over a paint can
and threw up a little, but I think...

I think "thanks" about covers it.

- What's wrong with "thanks"?
- It's pretty much the bare minimum.

For God's sakes, just say something.

You want me to say something?

How about "You're welcome"?

How about "I'm so happy to be here
for you all so I can take the blame

for all your crap:

I can't do this, I never did that."

Trust me, I gave you twice as
much as my father ever gave me.

The man kissed me
one time in my entire life.

He came up,
kissed me on the back of the head,

said, "Goodnight, Becky."
He thought I was my sister.

Wait a minute.
When was the last time you kissed Mitch?

What does that have to do
with anything?

- When was the last time he kissed you?
- I don't remember.

- It wasn't that long ago.
- I was 12.

12? This is the problem!

Jay's dad doesn't kiss Jay,

so Jay doesn't kiss Mitch,

and Mitch is uptight.

Okay, "uptight"
was really not on the table.

This is more about kissing.

Jay, kiss your son. He's a mess.

Come on, now.

We don't have to do that.

Yes, you do.

Come on, do it. You're in front
of your grandchildren.

All right, all right!

Shut up!

Mitch, get over here.

- Now? Well, I feel weird now.
- Don't be coy.

What are you waiting for, a box
of chocolates? Let's do this.

That's the sweetest
thing I've ever seen.

All right, and now because I
never want to hear this again...


Not you.

Daddy, I love you.

Let's go eat chunchullo!

You know it's made of
pig intestines, right?

Alex, wait.

- What?
- I want to talk to you.

I don't want another lecture.

It's not a lecture.
I want to tell you something.

Honey, I know exactly
how you're feeling.

No, you don't.

The joke that grandpa told tonight?


That happened. That...

That was true.

- So, you were arrested naked?
- I wasn't naked!

And I was not arrested, per se.

I was driven home one night
by the police

because my boyfriend and I
had gone swimming

in somebody's pool,
and we didn't have bathing suits,

and... Blah, blah, blah.
The details aren't important.

What matters is that everybody
at school was talking about it.

And I thought I would die.

But it passed.

I swear.

And now, honey, I'm...
I'm glad it happened.

I've got a funny story
to tell at dinner parties.

So, how long did it take
before you thought it was funny?

Oh, God...


- 15 years.
- Great.

What do I do about tomorrow?

I don't think
you have to worry about that.

Go, go, go.

In Colombia, we kiss for everything

because a kiss can mean
so many different things.

- There's no ghost in here, is there?
- Not a chance.

Sleep easy, kid.

It can be the start
of something new.

It can be how we say,
"This is the person that I love."

So who's a better kisser,
me or your dad?

It can be romantic.

Just so you know,
if my friends weren't there,

I would've said yes.

So, if you still want to...

If it's okay...

Maybe we should hang out more first.

This is only the second conversation
we've had that wasn't by text.

It can also be worth waiting for.

What is this?

Just another nice thing I did for you
while you made a fool of me.

Manny let me in
on your little tricks.

- You feel bad now?
- No. I feel good.

That one is definitely my favorite.

Phil, you really
don't have to do this.

I can do it. I want to do it.

It's silly to pay someone
else just to do something...

Wait! No, no, don't spill it!
Sweetie, don't spill that!

- That's on me!
- Careful! Gosh!

- Get up. You're good.
- Get it off!

I got it. Got it off.

- The face!
- Not the face!

All right, I'll pull it down!
You're good!

- It's on me.
- I'm gonna have to...

- I'll cut it off.
- Good idea.

Get a bucket, please!

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