Modern Family (2009–…): Season 2, Episode 19 - The Musical Man - full transcript

Phil's new real estate ad creates embarrassment for Claire and Haley, Cameron goes over the top while directing a school musical, and Jay's brother comes to town with some surprising news.

Excuse me. I'm so sorry.

I never do this with celebrities,

but are you by any chance the foxy
mom in the new Horizon Realty ad?

Am I gonna regret doing that?
Did the Marlboro Man have any regrets?

This ad is perfect.

See, I'm not just selling houses,
I'm selling myself,

and the best part
about me is my family.

And my teeth.

And both are on display in this ad.
[ Claire ] Mmm.

“I can't be satisfied
until you're satisfied”?

Coming soon to
a bus bench near you.

Not to mention our minivan.
So that's really happening?

Wait, what's happening
to our minivan?

Having this bad boy
shrink-wrapped on it.


Now all that driving around your
mom does will serve a purpose.

Good morning, family.

How are you all doing on this beautiful day?
Okay, what's this?

Haley's S.A.T.
scores are available online. I hate you.

[ Claire ] Oh. Today's the big day.
Let's take a look, see how she did.

[ Phil Clears Throat] Do we
really have to look at them now?

Don't worry. We're not
expecting any miracles.

Thank you.

Are those Haley's scores?
Are you sure?

[ Haley]
Are they bad?

- No. They're not bad.
- Are they good?

No, they're average.

Sweetie, we did it.
Our baby is average.

Medium five.

This is just a fluke.
She can take them again.

Yeah, and she'll probably
do even better.

You are gonna
have your choice...

of some pretty good colleges
when the time comes.

- If I go to college.
- What?

I've been thinking about it
lately, and I might not.


Well, we took the scenic route,
but we ended up in the same place.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey ♪♪

♪ From Zimbabwe to Algeria
Come on, let me hear ya ♪

♪ These are the countries
These are the countries ♪

Cam recently became
Franklin Middle Schools...

interim musical director.

Go, Franklin!

I was volunteering for their
spring musical festival...

when their regular director
suddenly and mysteriously became ill.

[ Sneezes ]
Oh, sorry.

It may have been a blessing.
Their show lacked focus.

I gave it a theme-
a musical trip around the world.

Yeah, see, he focused it
by making it about the world.

You don't like it.
No, Cam, I do.

It's- Do you think that the kids are gonna
be able to learn it by tonight?

Maybe you should stick with
something they already know.

I knew this would happen! Why do you have
to throw a wet blanket on my dreams?

I do not.
You do it all the time.

And you know what I end up with?
Wet dreams!

I heard it as soon as I said it.
Just leave it alone.

All right. Well, Cam,
it's just that sometimes...

you can be a little,
you know, overenthusiastic.

Is it really that big of a deal...

that I want this to be
the best show in the world?

Well, as long as you heard me.

Be in my corner. Don't be so critical.

What- Is that really
how you see me?

Sometimes, yeah,
I do, Mitchell.

Oh, Cam.
Well, if that's true, then I'm sorry.

No, okay. From now on,
I am in your corner, 100%.

And that song is gonna knock everyone out.
Well, I don't know.

- But wait till you see the dance I have prepared.
- A dance? A dance!

[ Giggles ]

- More toast, Manny?
- Why won't you call me, Emma?

More toast, Emma?

Do you have to be on
all the time?

Okay, I'm sorry.

Who is this Emma?

She's in the show with me tonight.

I'm thinking of taking a run at her.

You don't take a run at a woman.

You woo her. You make her feel special.

Hey, hon, take a look at this.

It's a picture of my butt.

And then when you get her,
you can tell her whatever you want.

Why do you do this?

I programmed it so my butt pops up
when my brother Donnie calls.

- It's a clever way of saying
my brother's an ass. - ls it?

[ Doorbell Rings] That's him.
Compose yourselves.

- Forget I showed you this picture.
- I'm trying.

How you doing,
you dumb son of a bitch?

Hey, you old mick.
Looks like you put on a few pounds.

Oh, you too.
what, are you eating your hair?

Oh, Gloria. Oh.

What are you
still doing here?

There's gotta be an easier
way to get a green card.

Uncle Donnie, are you coming to
my school concert tonight? Well-

it's an hour, tops.
Wouldn't miss it.

You know,
I think I misplaced my phone.

Could you call me on yours?
My phone's at the bottom of my bag.

Why don't you use your home phone?
Come on. it's simple.

What are you doing?
I want the phone.

How about you let go?
Give me the phone, Donnie!

[ Donnie ] You still
think you can take me?

Is this all you got, huh?
I'm gonna wash your mouth out with fist.

[ Lamp Shatters]
Ow! Ohh!

I don't understand this
relationship, Emma. OW! OW!

Hey, Emma.

Doing the show, it feels like we've
become like a little family, huh?

You mean like
you're my brother?

No. No, I don't.

Oh, no! They're back!
Dinosaur arms!

[ Chuckles ] This isn't
a good time, Luke.

That is hilarious.

Half boy, half T. rex.

One foot in both worlds,

wanted by neither.
[ Roars ]

Luke, that's a great way to
stretch out a shirt. [ Growls ]

Okay, okay.
Break's over, everyone.

Let's take it from the top.

Listen, we're running
20 minutes long,

so we're gonna go ahead and
out the Bollywood number.

Can I go? I'm late
for soccer practice.

You know who else missed
soccer practice, Delroy?

The cast of Rent
And now they have a Tony.

We have a Tony.

You are so funny.



[ Phil ] Hey, honey, did
they drop the van off yet?

Yeah, a little while ago.
How's it look?

Uh, well, believe it or not, I have
resisted the temptation to look.

This whole Haley thing has
got me a little preoccupied.

We're on our way
out to lunch right now.

About that, I've been thinking.
College is still a ways away.

I say we leave Haley alone.
The more we push, the more she'll push back.

I'm gonna push.
And I support that

Only Dad can make
our minivan even lamer.

Excuse me. What are you doing?
[ Engine Starts]

I'm driving this thing to the reservoir.
Just jump when I say jump.

Honey, slide over.

How is this stupid ad
supposed to sell houses anyway?

You heard your father.
He's not just selling houses, he's selling us.

[ Haley] What are my
friends gonna think?

They're gonna think that you're helping
your father put food on the table.

Ay is the chair broken?

That cheap, freeloading brother of mine
can't keep his hands off my good Scotch.

So you see,
I've placed that Scotch there.

My brother sits in this chair, goes
out from under him. Bam. Masterpiece.

So you make your brother fall
and spill his drink?

I don't want to jinx it, but that's the plan.
Why are you both so mean?

Where I come from,
brothers respect each other.

That's why Colombia's
such a peaceful utopia.

Hello, ladies.
Hey, nice shirt.

Do they sell men's clothes
where you got that?

That's funny because
woman are so inferior.

You got no taste.
I bought this for Melanie's baptism.

- Who's Melanie?
- Michael's kid. My granddaughter.

- [Cell Phone Rings]
- Oh, I forgot to tell Irene I landed safely. Hello?

How could you not know that your
own brother had a granddaughter?

I probably knew.
How can you forget when he's family?

I have 29 cousins,
and I know them all.

Rosa Marina, Gloria Maria,
Veronica, Mariana, José, Vicente-

Okay, okay, okay.
What's your point?

You do the chair,
you do the fighting,

but you don't know
each other- it's sad.

Look, I may not talk to my brother
the way you talk to your sisters,

but believe me,
we're close in our own way.

When was the last time
that you saw him?

That's not easy
'cause he lives up-

I don't know.
See, I wanna say Buffalo.

All I'm saying is that there's
no downside to more education.

I knew this car ride was a trap.

See that? That right there shows
me just how smart you are.

[ Horn Honking] Really?
Again? What is going on?

It's the stupid ad.
They're honking on my side too.

Oh. Yes, we're the people
in the ad. Yeah, hi. Hey.

Another great thing about
college- complete independence.

I'd have that in an apartment.

No, because to have an apartment,
you would need a job.

You want to know what
your job is in college?

It's a little bit of class
and homework,

and it's a whole lot of
new friends and experiences,

and the boys think you're cute,
and you are cute.

And, oh, trust me,
that doesn't last forever.

- [ Horn Honks]
- Call the number!

All right!
You in the mood to lose?

First time for everything.
You break.

- So how's work?
- Don't worry, moneybags, I'm not here for a loan.

Nice break.
[ Muttering ]

All right, you're solids, which you
won't be able to eat in a few years.

Right, right. Seriously, though,
how are things going with you?

They're swell.
I'm beating a fat guy at pool right now.

- Donnie, I'm trying to talk to you.
- Why?

Why? 'Cause that's
what people do.

Talk about things,
like their lives.

Ah, Irene opened
her big trap.

- Look, I'm fine. It's not like I'm gonna die.
- What?

Yeah, they caught it early.
I took the treatment. I'm clear for now.

- Come on, it's your shot.
- Caught what early?

Donnie, are you
talking about...

[ Whispers ]

You don't have to whisper.
I know I got it.

You just get your prostate checked.

By a doctor, not some guy
you met on the Internet.

I can't believe you didn't tell me this.
Because it's not a big deal.

Listen, it's just between us.

[Cell Phone Rings]
Oh, God.


Irene, how the hell do I know
where your glasses are?

And there's Frisbee golf, and you go
snow sledding on cafeteria trays.

Oh, and you all
get a dog together.

I don't really know who takes care
of the dog during the summer,

but he's there
when you get back.

Geez, maybe you should
just go back to college.

Oh, honey, do you know what
I would give to go back?

It's this moment when your
whole life is in front of you.

And it's a magical time.

And you don't want to miss that,
because when it's gone, it's gone.

[ Horn Honks]
Yeah, yeah.

Come on, Alex.
Bus is leaving.

Dad, your phone's
been buzzing like crazy.

Sweet Lorna Doone.
Nineteen missed calls?

I wonder who's-
[ Buzzes ]

Phil Dunphy.

You saw the ad?

Do you know what
you're looking for?

The little one. I think I know
which one you're talking about.

Um, if you're interested, I also have
an older model with a lot of character.

What? I think the carpet matches the drapes.
I haven't checked in a while.

Both of them? Wow.

Well, I guess that makes sense
if you're planning to flip one.

Listen, um, why don't I call you back?
We'll set up an appointment.

It will give me a chance to
give them both a good scrubbing.

All right.
[ Chuckles ]

Thanks a lot. Bye-bye. [ Beeps ]

How about that, huh?
You think all these calls are about the ad?


My friend Nicole just sent me
a picture of the van.

I guess I'll be seeing you
Wednesdays and every other weekend.

[ Beeps, Ringing]

[ Claire ]

Okay, um, you sound very angry,

which is completely understandable.

I'm not angry.

I'm just sitting here thinking about
college and how life has passed me by.

Oh, thank God. I'll see you at the show.
Love you. Bye. We gotta go.

And as the music swells,

we reveal our letters spelling
“We love the world.”

Powerful stuff.

And then the majestic Franklin Middle
School insignia will drop into position-

if Reuben ever finishes
painting it.

It's not the Sistine Chapel,

Surprise! Hi.

Your supportive boyfriend dropped by
to bring you a snack. P.B. and J.

Pear, Brie and jambon.
My favorite.

Okay, people, let's take five.
A true five!

[ Kids Groaning]

- Hey, Manny, how's it going?
- Hi.

Good. Great.
Uh, couldn't be better.

Can we, uh-

Yes, we can, uh-
All right.

- What's up?
- Okay, you gotta talk to Cam. He's driving us crazy.

Kevin is biting his nails again.

And Reuben hasn't had a bowel
movement in a week. [ Chuckles ]

Don't laugh.
That's how Elvis died.

All right, uh, Manny.
I can't get involved, but-

All right, if you
have to say something,

just tell Bob Fussy that he's overdoing it
and you wanna go back to your old stuff.

Okay, break's over, people!
I wanna do the French Revolution number again.

Let's bring out
the guillotine.

Carefully this time.

- No. No, no.
- Excuse me?

We don't wanna
do the new stuff.

We want to stop rehearsing and go
back to the old way, Bob Fussy.

I don't know where
this is coming from.

You all feel this way?


Well, I had no idea.

I had no idea I was surrounded
by a bunch of quitters.

This production
was a joke...

until I introduced these children to the
musical theater greats- Bernstein, Sondheim.

Years from now, some of these kids will still
be talking about the way I Sondheimized them.

Ooh, I don't think that's a
good way of saying- Okay.

You wanna do it the old way-

with the same tired songs,
the same drab choreography,

the same tepid applause
from Mom and Dad?

Is that what you want?
Just say the word.

[ Manny ]
That's what we want.

Well, too bad, people!

We're doing it my way!
From the top!

This is a closed rehearsal.

Hey, hey, hey. Hi, honey.
What are you doing out here?

Oh, just waiting for you 'cause I love you.
Haley, come out this side.

Why? 'Cause it's fun. Try it.


Ohh. Mmm.

Yeah, the doors slide, the seats slide.
What can't the Sienna do?

That was fun.
Yeah, right?

Let's go see a show!
Sweetie, we need to close the door.

Yeah, with the key. I like to see how far I
can get from the car and still make it work.

[Beeps] Listen, honey, honey.
I need to ask you something.

Okay, I need you to be
really honest with me.

Yeah. You- Yes.

Are my best years behind me?
What? No.

The trick is
to keep looking forward.

Here we go.
Yes, yes, for sure.

[ Phil ] You feel good?
[Claire] Yeah, I-

[ Clears Throat]

Hello and welcome, everyone...
and latecomers.

I hope you enjoy
the show tonight.

I think you will agree
it has a certain flair...

that has been lacking from
this stage in years past.

So please, I invite you
to sit back, relax...

and enjoy this
musical trip around the world!

♪♪ [ Piano Introduction ]

[ Whistles ]

Wow, growing up in America
sure is great,

but I wish I knew more
about the world.

[ Delroy]
Me too.

I think I've got an idea.
See you later, friend.

♪♪ [ Piano ]
Where are you going?

To see the world!

- [ Chuckles ]
- China looks interesting. I think I'll land here.

[Whispering ] Bring him down!
Bring him down!

Just go with it. Go.
Hit it. ♪♪ [ Up-tempo ]

[Cell Phone Ringing]
Oh. Jay, come on.

- [ Ringing Continues]
- Geez. Come on.

Jay, you're in the theater.
Try your jacket pocket.

- Sorry, folks.
- Nice. He taped it shut.

- [ Ringing Stops]
- Okay, that's enough.

[ Kids] ♪ Ride bikes for
kicks They eat with sticks ♪

¡Ay! You stop it.
You too.

Don't hit him.
He has cancer. What?

♪ They gave us Jackie Chan ♪

♪♪ [ Ends ]
[Applause ]

Oh, my God.
ls Luke stuck up there?


Come on.

Yeah. Yeah-
Oh, no. Come on!

China sure was fun.
♪♪ [ Piano ]

And look,
there's merry old England.

Has anyone here
ever seen a globe?

Full steam ahead!


Just sing.

[ Manny ]
♪ Oh, joy to salt-swept eyes ♪

♪ Fair England do I see ♪

♪♪ [ Continues, Faint]

[ Door Closes ]

Sorry about what I said to Gloria, okay?
It just came out.

Let's go back inside.

- Hit me.
- What?

- No, you heard me. Hit me.
- I'm not gonna hit you, Donnie.

Yeah? And that's
the whole damn point.

As soon as you heard I was sick,
you treated me different.

Let me tell you, I get
enough of that at home.

I'm sorry. I feel
a little bad for you, okay?

I know we don't say
this much, but, uh,

I care for you, you know.

Do you think
I don't know that crap?

I have known you cared about me since
we were eight and 10 years old...

and that mook Joey Calieri stole my
bike and you put his head in the ice.

What was that
he said again?

Uh- “I can't hear no more.”

[ Both Laughing ]

“I can't hear no more!”

[ Laughing ] Oh, Don.
[ Door Opens ]

Your staging
is all over the place.

The kids are exhausted.
You're making it all about you.

No intermission.
What, are we animals? I-

[ Exhales ]

[ Kids ] ♪ And we'll
sing about the world ♪

[ Door Closes ]
I'm gonna be fine.

I got great doctors,
the kids call me every day.

Irene even lost 20 pounds
due to stress.

Good for you.

You promise me.
You get that liver checked.

Ah, there's nothing wr-

Oh. [ Laughs] Come on, Donna. Suck it up.
We're missin' my kid's show.

You son of a bitch.
Come on.

[Jay] “I can't hear no more!
” [Both Laughing]

Okay. All right.

That one was my fault, but Joan
of Arc's gonna be just fine.

It's not gonna be much fun
doing the show without Emma.

- Maybe we should just stop this.
- No. No.

There is a saying
in the theater world that-

“It's not worth dying for”?

It's that endings make shows.
And we've got a great ending.

Now get out there
and sing your hearts out.

Not you, sweetie.
You just mouth the words.

Uncle Cam,
both my legs are tingly.

We'll cut you down in just a second, Luke, okay?
The show must go on.

Have fun with it.

Learning about the world
sure was fun.

But I'm glad to have my feet
back on the ground again.

[ Kids] ♪ Oh, Egypt is the land
where the pyramids stand ♪

♪ Which were built by
industrious Jews ♪

[ Crash ]

♪ And windmills go round
in Holland town ♪

♪ Where they all wear
wooden shoes ♪

♪ These are the things
we learned today ♪

♪ And there's one last thing
we want to say ♪

“We love the word”?

- Where’s the “L”?
- It's Luke.

Lower the insignia.
Lower the-

[Audience Gasps ] [
Jay ] We love the-

What the hell?

No.No,no.No. No.No,no.
No. [Donnie Laughing]


[ Laughing Continues]

[ Clapping ]


Phil, where have you been?

Oh, just getting
some fresh air.

Honey. [ Inhales, Exhales] Got it.
Ready to go?

Hey, look up at the moon.
Would you say that's waxing or waning?

Who cares?
We can spend all night looking at-

“I can't be satisfied”?

My God, Phil.
That makes me look like a prostitute.

- No.
- Yes. Yes, it does.

More of an escort, really.
You're just selling your time, whereas a prostitute-

Okay, Phil, I have been driving
around in this all day.

Well, since, you're mad already,

why don't you just
step over here-

[ Screams ]
and have a look at that.

Oh, God. My baby.

I am not getting
back in that car!

How do you think you're
gonna get home, honey?

It doesn't matter.
I'll go home with anyone.

That's what it should
say on the van. Alex.

I can't believe we trusted you to put
this on the car- [Cell Phone Rings]

after the debacle of that last
picture and all the- Damn it.

Who is that?
Probably another-

I think the word you're
looking for is “john.”

Get in the minivan.

You mean to tell me that people have
actually been calling about this?

There are a lot of creeps
out there.

That's disgusting.
She's a child.

Well, to be fair,
most of them were for you.

Oh. it's still sick.

[Clicks Tongue]
What do you mean, “most”?

Well, I don't know.
There were 30 calls.

You got 20 or 25 of them.

What, they asked for me?

They asked for the hot blonde.

Mmm. Men are pigs.

Did they call me anything else?

So, thanks to all
the perverts in town,

I realize I still have
a few good years ahead of me.

And if we have one person
to thank for that, it would be-


[ Groans ]

Was it as awful as I think?

Take the flowers.

[ Both Chuckle ]

It must have been really hard for you...

to be supportive while I made
a fool out of myself.

Oh. Come here.

[ Kisses ]

Luke, do you mind?
We're trying to have a moment here.

I can feel my heartbeat
in my eyes.

In his eyes?

Okay, uh- We'll get a janitor.

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