Modern Family (2009–…): Season 11, Episode 5 - The Last Halloween - full transcript

Phil is determined to scare Claire on Halloween; Gloria feels self-conscious about her age when someone correctly assumes she is Jay's wife; Mitch and Cam go to a carnival after Lily decides to go to her first Halloween party alone.


- Hi.
- Hey.

I don't feel so good.

Aww, what's going on?

Let's see.

Ooh. You are kinda warm.

Maybe get rid of some of these blankets?

Aw, that is cute.

You tried to scare me for Halloween.

How in the world did
that not frighten you?

Some of this is my actual blood.

I nicked myself putting it on!

Sweetie, you don't know the
first thing about scaring people.

It's all about plausibility.

And you were awfully casual

for a guy who just got
an ax in the chest.

You know,
if you really wanted to scare me,

you should've waited
until I opened the closet

and found you hanging by a necktie.

Excuse me!

I killed myself?!

Yeah. Totally plausible.

I mean, you've been
so happy all these years,

the other shoe is bound to drop, right?

By the way, I am not married
to the whole necktie thing.

It could be, um...

shotgun or poison

or a power drill to the eye...

Stop. Stop!

Now you're scaring me.

That's how you do it.

Bam!

Hey, happy Halloween!

It was until your mother ruined it.

Oh, he's just mad

because he tried to
scare me and he couldn't.

I'm tough to scare.

My girlfriend's pregnant.

- No!
- Phil.

She's our age. If she was pregnant,
it'd be on the news.

- But good one.
- Dad, I'm sorry.

I don't have time to drop
this off for you again.

Ida Mae Mann?

Aww!

Isn't that that lonely little lady

that sits up in her window?

He always makes me deliver

his neighborhood association stuff

because he's afraid of her.

That's crazy!

I go by that house all the time.

Not hot, Phil.

Fine! She's creepy!

She sits in that window
like a store cat.

Okay.

I'll drop it off on the
way to dinner with Bill.

He's taking me to Buon Cibo's at 6:00.

Whoa. I'm going to Buon
Cibo's at 6:00 with Janice.

Ew! I don't want to watch you

run your discount
body-spray game on her.

Change your reservation to later.

I can't.

She has to eat four hours before bed

because of the reflux.

- You change.
- No!

We're going out after to see
"Texas Chainsaw Massacre,"

which I can't believe I agreed to.

Ooh, that sounds like fun.
I've never seen that movie.

Can you believe that? Me, of all people.

Uh, then we're going.

You think you can't be scared anymore?

That's the most terrifying
movie I've ever seen.

Great, bring it.

I look forward to being scared.

I'm pregnant?

Phil!

Oh! Did you get the costumes?

Yeah, I... I didn't have a lot of time,

so I had to steal something from work.

Please don't...

judge.

Okay, that's not a bad start.

I think I can work with this, yes.

Lily, my pins!

We are so excited for Halloween.

You know, for the first time in years,

we're gonna get a little cray

and go to the big gay
Halloween carnival,

like we used to when we
were young and childless...

And people still said "cray."

We... We've always had
Lily with us in the past,

but we are on a crusade to
make her more independent,

so when she got an invite
to a party, we sort of, uh...

- RSVP'd for her.
- Yeah.

But you know what?
It's gonna be good for her

to socialize with people her age,

and good for us to socialize with people

- Half our age.
- Half our age.

Okay.

Mitchell...

Judge...

Judy.

Your talent...

It's like you were
touched by a gay-ngel.

And you said we would never wear

the groomsmen shoes from
Pepper's wedding again.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Just a second, young lady.

W-We're very happy you're
going to this party tonight,

but, uh, isn't this costume a little,
uh, suggestive?

This is my actual cheerleading outfit.

You guys know I'm doing that, right?

- Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah. Totally.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
- Totally.

We should have known that, right?

Oh, Joe, you're home early?

I got a surprise for...

Oh. Manny.

Look, I know you breastfed
until you could stand,

but aren't you a little old
to be trick-or-treating?

This isn't for Halloween.

I'm in final rehearsals
for my one-man show

"Sigmund Freud: Here Ego Again."

I've saved you four seats,
but if you need more...

No, four's good.

So, what's the surprise?

Well, it's kind of a Joe thing.

You know, he's out
trick-or-treating with his friends.

I-I'll wait till he comes
home to show it to him.

Hmm, playing favorites with your sons,

perhaps unconsciously
repeating the cycle

your own father perpetuated on...

You know, one ticket's
gonna be good enough.

Is it cold in here, or is it just me

because I am the frozen lady
from "Frozen"?

Why aren't you wearing your costume?

Let it go, Gloria. Let it go.

But you said that since Joe
was out with Devon's family

that we were going to do
something fun together.

Yes, fun. Have a Scotch,

put that mutant spider
costume on Stella...

Fine, I'll go meet
Mitch and Cam by myself.

But you're gonna miss Joe's reaction

when I give him my big surprise!

It's just a candy bar!

18 months ago,
in an underreported news event,

NagaSnacki Food Solutions

discontinued the greatest
candy bar of all time.

The Fudgy Duddy.

After an exhaustive search...

One Googling.

...I tracked down this beauty.

Now my son can experience the
kind of quality confection

our generation grew up with.

"Our"?

I am a Gen X. Don't make me a Boomer.

Something horrible happened
to me last weekend.

I'll just have the...

seafood salad.

Very good. And for your husband?

Oh, no, no. He's my husband.

That's what he said.

The day I have dreaded finally came...

People assume that I am Jay's...

wife.

You kids have fun!

Manny. What are you doing?

Saving your house from being egged.

You're all out of treats.

Luckily I found a
candy bar to give away.

Oh, no.

My Fudgy Duddy's gone!

Nobody move!

Hello there.
Uh, two for "Texas Chainsaw Massacre."

Sorry, that sold out weeks ago.

Which should've been updated
on our website, Bernard!

But we still have seats

for that super scary Japanese film.

- Yes!
- Uh, pause.

How scary? How Japanese?

I think the literal translation is

"Make Dead with Old-Face Baby."

- Two, please.
- No, um...

Come on, honey,
you promised me a good scare.

This'll be fun!

- Okay.
- Okay.

No!

How you doing?

Great. I'm so scared.

Aah.

Don't patronize me.

You don't think I can tell
when you're faking it?

"Oh, Phil, mmm. It's so good."

I know you hated my gumbo.

Uh, excuse me.

Hey. Uh,
I'm having a hard time in there.

I... I came to see a movie
I'd already seen.

Knew where all the jump scares were.

Could you tell me where the
big ones are for this one?

Sorry, dude. Haven't seen it.

- I have.
- Ohhhh! God.

It's okay.

He's behind the door.

He's behind the door.

He's behind the... Aah!

Something is wrong with you!

Wow. This place has changed.

It used to be so much...

gayer.

Straight people always
take our best stuff.

First, they came for our brunches,
and I said nothing.

Oh, hey... hey, Norm! Hey, Denise!

Hey, girlfriends!

I... don't think we can say that.

You can't. Yeah.

Wait. I-I-Isn't Lily
at a party at your house?

- Yeah.
- That you're chaperoning?

That was the plan, but then
a bunch of older kids showed up,

so we figured they'd be fine.

Bye, bitches!

It's okay. I'm a girl.

Okay, older kids, no adults.

Okay, where are we on the panic scale?

- Um...
- There you are.

Thank you for saving me from a night

of listening to Jay talk
about his Fudgy Buddy.

Sorry. We just found out Lily
is at an unsupervised party.

Oh, do you want me to check her Insta?

Lily... Lily has Insta?

You have Insta?

What, you think
I'm too old to have Insta?

Okay, I-I want to hear all
about what you're going through,

right after we figure out...

- I found her!
- Okay.

- And looks like she's having fun.
- Okay.

Who is this cute boy next to her?

Can you turn it ar...

Okay, that's Garth. I...
I've never trusted him.

I saw him buying
deodorant when he was 9.

Is that a beer?

Okay, I'm... Don't just stand there!

- I'm going to call her!
- Call her!

Ay.

I didn't think it was
gonna be so cold tonight.

I'm sorry if I seem off.

It's just that lately,

people have been mistaking
me for a much older...

Excuse me, ma'am. Are you lost?

I can't find my friends.

Let me help you.

Oh, what a nice young man.

Get off me!

Perhaps this candy bar
represents your lost innocence?

It represents delicious chocolate.

You're sure you gave
this to a Spider-Man?

I'm sure.

You know, it's also hard to ignore

that this object you seek
has a phallic shape...

Why did I talk you out
of that mime major?

Spidey... 11:00.

Spider-Man! Hold up!

I'm not Spider-Man, okay? I'm Deadpool.

It's a totally different character.

Look, before I realized

it was a symbol of this man's mortality,

I accidentally gave
you some candy bar...

Not "some" candy bar, a Fudgy Duddy.

Look, you kids should know about this.

There was a famous commercial
back in the '70s,

first time on TV a girl
touched a baseball.

It's got a red and
blue wrapper with a...

Oh, yeah, I remember.

It looked gross, so I gave it to my mom.

She just left to go to that festival

- in West Hollywood.
- Describe her.

She's kind of shy, loves animals...

No, her costume.

Oh. She's dressed as Martha Stewart.

Ironic, since I had cereal for dinner.

- Come with me. I need you.
- For emotional support?

Carpool lane!

I hope this doesn't sound
too mushy, but...

I really love hooking up with you.

Well, I hate to think I'm pulling
you away from some Halloween fun.

You know, partying with your more...
youthful friends.

Hush, silly Janice.

If I was interested in youthful things,

would I be here with you?

Aww, babe. You have no idea
how much I've missed you.

I think I have some idea.

Bill's been away fighting
a forest fire for weeks.

He called me once to say he missed me,

so I sent him a pic of
me in a cute outfit.

I expected "wow" or a fire emoji.

Instead I got...

"Send more boobs"?

I'm not mad,
but I don't want to make it a habit

of sending... nudes.

Wait. You actually sent boob pics?

Yeah. How much smoke did you inhale?

This isn't my number, Alex.

It's the one you called from.

Because my phone died.

So I borrowed Creepy Craig's.

Wait.

You sent Creepy Craig a naked photo?

Alex!

Oh, my God! There's, like, 11?!

Well, you...

He kept asking!

You think I'm as pervy as Creepy Craig?

I don't know Creepy Craig!

Well, he knows you!

You really think I would
disrespect you like that?

- What else did "I" ask for?
- Oh, don't.

Oh, my God. Are you outside?

You know, I've always worried

that maybe we were just too different,

but the fact that you think
I'm capable of writing

"Do butt now... Hit with magazine"?

You know what?

This isn't working, Alex.

No, wait!

Can you at least ask
Craig to delete those?

I think you know how to reach him!

Trust me,
I've had enough Halloween mischief

for one lifetime.

I'm ready for this now.

You are such a mature person.

I can't even imagine
you as a wild child.

Oh, yeah.

Five years ago, we hit this one house.

The family was always
calling the cops on us

for lighting off fireworks.

- Mm.
- Standard stuff...

TP, sugar in the gas tank...

but then I noticed they had

like 20 of those stupid garden gnomes.

- Oh, my God.
- I know, so douchey.

So we posed them having sex,
rang the doorbell,

and then when they opened the door,
we blew them up.

Are you not getting it?

It's kind of subtle, so...

That was my house.

But... you live in a condo.

Now.

Years ago, my husband's father died

and left us his antique
gnome collection.

Marty wanted to keep them in the house.

They soothed him, he said.

'Cause the constant fireworks
were always triggering his PTSD.

So, I insisted he put his
sole inheritance outside,

where you blew them up.

Life's funny.

Yeah.

Yeah, the next day,

I was supposed to meet
him at couples therapy.

But I didn't make it 'cause my car died.

Sugar in the tank.

So I missed the appointment.

He went for a coffee,

fell in love with the barista,

and now I am living in a condo,

dating a friggin' child!

Janice.

This may be a bad time
to mention it, but...

I don't have enough money for the valet.

Lily is still not answering.
Did you track her location?

Uh, yeah. It says
that she's at our house?

Do you think she took that boy home?

Of course she did!

An empty house,
all those Anita Baker records.

It's the sexiest place in town.

We have to get home!

Okay, it's gonna take us an
hour just to get out of here.

No, no, we can save ourselves 20 minutes

just by cutting through this maze.

No! No. I-I hate those things.

Mitchell, we basically
forced our daughter

into the arms of a hormonal teen.

And let's be honest,

was it because we wanted
more independence for her

or for us?

All right.

Now, try to have some backbone.

I'm... I'm... I'm right here.

Okay?

And just remember,
this is for our daughter.

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Ohh, Cam...

I know it makes me seem shallow,

but he had such a crazy body!

How am I supposed to
go back to nerd butts?

No matter what I'd need,
it'd be right there in her purse...

Band-Aids, wet wipes, raisins.

Because sometimes I'm not angry.

I'm just hungry.

You know what she's not
gonna find in that purse?

Someone better than you.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You can do better than...

I'm forgetting her name right now,
so Molly's mom.

You know, I'm not just saying
it because you said it,

but I never thought Bill
was good enough for you.

Seriously?

You deserve someone smart and curious.

Be honest,
didn't you get sick of him saying

"I bet I can jump over that"
every time he walked outside?

Thanks, Luke.

We don't need them, right?

In a couple weeks,
we won't remember either one of them.

A fireman?

A nun?

Janice was into some really weird stuff.

What about her?
Is that a Martha Stewart?

I-I think that's Princess Di.

Jay, you have to prepare yourself.

We may not find your candy bar.

We've stopped four Martha Stewarts,

two Dog the Bounty Hunters,
and the real Judith Light.

How nice was she, by the way?

Yeah, class act. Keep looking.

Hey, that's Mom!

- Mom!
- Manny!

How many times have I told
you not to shout "Mom"

when you're dressed like an old man?

Including now? Once.

I'm sorry. I'm not mad at you.

I'm mad at Mitch and
Cam for leaving me here

and the mean Boy Scout
that made me feel so old.

Old?!

Sweetie, you look delicious!

- I do?
- Yes.

You're dancing with us right now.

Okay.

Oh!

Look what I found on the ground.

We're too late.

Sorry, Jay.

Do you want to talk about it?

No! I don't want
to seem like a sad sack.

Uh... excuse me.

What is it about this candy?

It just tasted like summer or something,

I don't know.

But out with the old, in with the new.

Candy bars come and go.

No more record stores.

6-year-old sons too grown up

to go trick-or-treating with their dads.

No more beepers.

Are you that bummed that Joe didn't
want to spend Halloween with you?

No! It's just the beginning
of the whole thing, ya know?

When you... When you break that seal...

Look, I know Joe wanted to
be with his friends tonight,

but he'll definitely want
to spend another Halloween

- with his dad.
- How do you know that?

Kids have a way of coming back.

Even if they have to...
make up a dumb reason to do it.

Happy Halloween, kid.

Wait, this is a delicate moment.

We could scar her if we
don't handle it right.

Ohhh! God, I know that's true.

My first kiss was terrible.

My mom walked in on me with this girl.

I can still hear my
mom scream to my dad,

"I told you he wasn't!"

- Well, mine was worse.
- It's not a competition.

My dad found me in a barn

open-mouth kissing a tackling dummy.

And you win.

Okay, so, gentle, but firm.

- Okay?
- Yeah.

Sweetie, is... is everything okay?

It's nothing. Go away.

Honey, did... did a boy pressure you

to do something you didn't want to do?

Ew! Gross! No.

D-Did a girl pressure you
into doing something...

Oh, my God! Can you adopt a second child

to take some of this off of me?!

Honey... Honey, we...
we just want to help, okay?

We're... We're afraid
that maybe we pushed you

into going to that party
before you were ready.

Look, I thought
this boy really liked me,

but he was just using me
to get to my friend Kelly.

- Kelly? Ew, she's gross!
- Yeah.

No, she isn't. She's my friend.

She's not you.
And anyone who would pick her over...

Of course you'd say that. You're my dad.

I'm sorry, there's nothing that
you could say that would help.

Okay?

You're not a girl, you're not 12.

What would you know about liking a boy

who doesn't like you back?

Oh, honey...

I'm gonna get us some ice cream.

Okay, come here, come here.

Okay.

Honey, you can't be mad

that I wasn't scared by that movie.

It was a baby.

It had three rows of teeth!

Baby teeth!

Look, it's not your fault.

It's just that, next to you,
I feel like such a wuss.

Just because you get a little bit
squirrelly in a movie doesn't make you...

Wait, hang on.
Why are we crossing the street?

Our house is right down...

Wait a minute, you're not afraid of
the little old lady's house, are you?

You don't know she's little!

All we know is she sits up there

plotting evil from her window.

She's not there.

She's always there!

This stops now.

We're gonna go knock on that door,

introduce ourselves,

and put an end to this nuttiness.

Huh.

- Well, that's weird timing.
- The, um...

The envelope Alex dropped off.

The... The old lady never picked it up.

What was that?

Oh, God. Phil, what if she fell?

We should go check on her. Come on.

Yeah, I guess so.

I am, uh, right behind you.

I'm just gonna go find a flashlight.

Phil...

Um...

Hello?

Ms. Mann?

Hello?

Ida Mae?

Oh.

Ida Mae?

Ms. Mann?

It was simplicity itself.

A year ago,
Claire accused me for the millionth time

that I couldn't scare her,
so I came up with a plan.

I'd just sold a house
to a European couple

that weren't gonna take
possession for a while,

so, uh, last fall, "Ida Mae" moved in.

I told you!

She's always up there!

Fortunately, the house was
right on Claire's jogging route,

so it was easy to introduce
Claire to Ida Mae,

and when I wanted to amp it up,

I had Ida Mae make contact.

Hey!

Then, this morning...

I knew that ax wouldn't scare Claire.

I just did that so she'd accuse me

of not being able to scare her.

It's all about plausibility.

Damn right, it is.

Over the past year,

Ida Mae joined the
neighborhood association,

hung up a poster for her lost dog,

signed up for Meals on Wheels.

They're not bad, by the way.

Also, she got a lot of knitting done.

Oh, I'm sorry, Claire.

Did I scare you?

- You did this?
- Yep.

How long have you planned this...

11 months, two weeks,
and three days ago,

I gave birth to Ida Mae Mann.

Because I da main man.

Oh, don't you dare do word play, Phil.

Sorry.

I was having so much fun!

- What?
- I was wondering what we were gonna do

for the next 30 years of our lives

without the kids in the house.

And now I know...

You're getting twisted, and I like it.

Game on.

- Unh-unh. Unh-unh.
- Mm-hmm.

"Game on"? What do you mean "game on"?

It's... It's game over.

Nope.

Watch your back, buddy.

This is gonna be so much fun.

Can't we just travel?

Where'd your mom go?

We have a winner!

I really needed this today!

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Hey! That's my wife!

Oh, sure, sweetheart.
Like you could get that.

No, no, no! That is my husband!

Does she know that...

No, and we're never gonna tell her.