Modern Family (2009–…): Season 11, Episode 16 - I'm Going to Miss This - full transcript
Aww, goodbye, drawer dedicated
to batteries and takeout menus.
[GASPS]
And goodbye, wall dent,
from when we thought
Lily was a trombone prodigy.
[GROANS]
Mitchell!
That was your last eye roll
in this house!
You know what,
when the new baby comes,
can you not do it as much?
Because, you know, you did it
around Lily a lot, and...
[SCOFFS]
Okay... hey, hey, no, no, no.
Don't throw those away.
I-I might want
to use those
for my big baby reveal
to the family.
If he's bald, I can do
a whole Elton John thing.
Not only are we moving,
but we're adopting a baby
that's due in two weeks.
And that is stressing me out
because eleven years ago,
I revealed Lily
with "The Lion King,"
and there's
a lot of pressure...
- Self-imposed.
- ...to top myself.
So, I've been workshopping
a few ideas.
I hope everyone here likes...
baby!
[CHUCKLES]
I can see that taking
everyone's breath away, no?
Uh, I'm more concerned about
the city taking our baby away.
♪♪
Okay, the repair guys are
gonna be here in five minutes.
[SIGHS] I can't believe
I'm saying this,
but we might actually
be getting away with...
- Hey!
- Hey! What are you guys doing home?
Yeah, I thought you went
to that beach cleanup.
Well, we tried,
but the beach yoga people
wouldn't even move
a hundred feet down.
You'd think they'd have been
a little more flexible.
Oh, Phil.
The good news is, we're back
and we are here
to help you set up
for the twins' Easter party.
Um, we're good.
Anyway,
we got this covered.
And you guys
had such a long morning,
why don't Gamma and Grampy
grab a nap
so that they're fresh
for the party, huh?
Okay. [CHUCKLES]
Okay. But I...
It's all good.
We got it.
Last weekend, Mom and Dad
went to the artichoke festival
in Monterey.
And Dylan's mom
had the twins,
so we took the opportunity
to have a little party,
just to see
if we still had it in us.
We did.
- [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]
- I'm trackin' the pizza guy,
the pizza guy,
the pizza guy!
His name is Ibrahim!
Don't forget the garlic knots,
garlic knots, garlic knots!
Yo!
This party is the GOAT.
Greatest of all time.
I'm Doug,
your across-the-street neighbor.
I was just curbin' my bins,
heard the party noise,
thought I'd join up.
Want a refill on that?
There is no scenario
where I accept a drink from you.
Lit.
Nice to see the Dunphy name
still carries some party clout.
- Ah!
- [GROANS]
You know, we're running low
on jungle juice.
Just soak it up with a towel
and wring it back into your cup.
Mm. Okay.
[LAUGHING] Cool!
What kind is that?
Uch. Can I have
one conversation tonight
without someone asking me
about my snake?
[THUD]
Ohh! Good Lord!
- What happened?!
- I slipped on that drink you spilled.
Oh! Hurt my ankle
really bad.
I mean,
I don't want to sue you,
but I don't really see
any other option.
Do you?
So now I work for Doug.
Hey, everybody!
Ibrahim has arrived, has a...
[SCREAMS]
[PEOPLE GASP]
Don't stare at it!
Put it out!
♪♪
We made
some temporary fixes
and scheduled repairs
for today,
when Mom and Dad said
they'd be at the beach.
Then they came home early.
It's just hard when
you can't trust family members.
"Don't Gamma and Grampy
want to take a nap?"
That's not insulting
to you?
- [SNORING]
- Phil.
- Phil!
- I... wasn't sleeping. I was listening.
And g-good for you.
That is... That is
a lot of steps for one day.
I was talking
about the kids.
They're treating us
like actual grandparents
instead of the... the...
premature grandparents
we clearly are.
I'm the only one
in my aqua aerobics class
who doesn't need two noodles.
[CHUCKLES]
I put the eggs in a cute basket
for the Easter egg hunt.
I saw it in a magazine.
Cute.
- CLAIRE: Haley.
- Oh, no.
Honey, your dad and I
didn't feel like taking a nap.
Why don't you give us a job
for the party?
Uh, well, we could use
some help dyeing these eggs.
But why don't you
change for the party first?
- Oh, good idea!
- Yes!
Phil, wakey, wakey!
Okay, we got sixty seconds,
people.
We gotta move fast.
Come on. Come on.
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!
- [INDISTINCT TALKING]
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Come on, move faster!
Let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go, let's go!
Would you hurry it up
a little bit?
Oh, come on!
Get out of here now!
Go, go, go!
Thank you so much.
I love you guys so much. Bye!
Okay. I think
we actually got away with it.
Oh, no.
I have to stop
saying that.
That dude from the party said
that his python was pregnant.
Do you think
those could be her eggs?
Oh, my God!
Is one of them hatching?
- That's so disgusting!
- Ohh.
We have to cancel
the party!
What? No way!
We just got back in
with this parent group
after our daughter's
biting spree.
If they didn't love
their kids being gummed
by an adorable toddler,
I don't think they're gonna
love their kids
getting punctured by a python!
Calm down.
Snakes lay all their eggs
in one dark place.
I've got them all here.
I'm gonna run them by the pet store.
Oh, my God. Is one of them
moving? Get them out of here.
They're so gross.
Gross, gross, gross, gross.
[GROANS]
Hey, where you running off to,
little buddy?
And where are you
running off to, big buddy?
Hey, stranger!
Going out again?
I barely see you these days.
I'd love to hang out, Jay, but
I've got a wine club meeting.
What, are you into wine?
I love wine!
- Okay. See ya.
- Wait a minute!
I'm gonna open a bottle
later on.
Why don't you bring one
and we'll have a little tasting?
I guess
I wouldn't mind that.
I'll stop by the store
on my way back.
While you're there, would you be
a prince and pick me up a soda?
I've got homework.
Where'd you get a fifty?
Don't worry about it.
GLORIA:
Welcome to your new house!
I don't remember this room
feeling so stark and cold.
Luckily this is
a smart house.
Adam, warm light mode.
- [BEEP]
- ADAM: Initiating.
- Oh!
- Oh, no... no!
No, that just brings out
the molding around the windows.
I... Does it feel like
we're in a nursing home?
Adam, party mode!
- [BEEP]
- Initiating.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
Oh, God. No!
No, that's... that's even worse.
I'm... I'm sorry,
I just...
I don't feel like I've ever
been in this house before.
- [MUSIC CONTINUES]
- Adam, I swear to God!
- [BEEP]
- Initiating.
Did we just make
a huge mistake?
Mitchell, you know
you hate change.
Remember when
you shaved your beard?
You screamed in the mirror,
"Oh, my God, you look hideous!"
That was you.
I mean, you have been a crab
all day long.
How do you know?
You haven't even been around us!
I took a crazy guess.
Look,
this is buyer's remorse.
I learned that from my mentor,
Phil Dunphy,
and I know how to fix it.
Come with me
if you want to live...
in this house...
and not be a bummer to everyone.
Lily, you need to help me
start unpacking.
We need to work
on my baby reveal.
Adam, thinking mode.
- [BEEP]
- Initiating.
[SERENE MUSIC PLAYS]
I know it sounds crazy,
but it works.
In order to accept
the new house,
you have to properly
say goodbye to this place.
Okay, I'm not talking
to a house. Okay?
And... And why are the movers
just sitting out there?
Don't worry about them.
I'll handle them.
I used to be a mover.
I kind of fell into it
when I helped an ex-boyfriend
steal his brother's
refrigerator.
Okay, wait, so you've been
a cab driver, a hairdresser,
a spokesmodel,
and a mover.
I-Is your life real?
Is anything real?
That was a question
that I asked myself
when I was
a philosophy professor.
Now, say goodbye
to the house.
Tell it
how much it meant to you.
Be honest with each other,
like two lovers
that know that the time has come
when they must part ways.
Okay, well, usually,
I would just
take my gym membership
off his keychain
and then introduce him
to my mother.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey, house.
Hey, you humps!
We're paying you
by the hour!
We're on a coffee break,
lady.
Oh, don't give me that.
I used to do your job.
And this attitude,
this is why people hate movers.
That and all the stealing.
Whoa! You think
you can do better?
[CHUCKLES] I hate
to burst your bubble wrap,
but I know I can.
We actually double booked today,
so this works out.
Have at it.
Oh, no, no, no, no!
Ay, wait!
Come back, humps!
LILY: What are you doing
with the cat?
Okay, don't worry.
On the day, I will replace Larry
with the baby.
Once the family is all seated
around the table,
I'll undo
the security rope
and then let the baby
hover above the table
for all the family
to marvel at.
[CHUCKLES]
- [CELLPHONE RINGS]
- Wait. Phone's ringing.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]
- Hello?
Yes, speaking.
What?
[LARRY MEOWS]
No!
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]
Oh, honey, did you just take
a sip from the paintbrush water?
[CHUCKLING] I think I'd know
if I did, Claire.
Oh! This must be
the grandparents' table!
- I wouldn't say that.
- No, I d... I don't think...
These are the kids'
grandparents, Gamma and Grampy.
Oh, nice to meet you.
I'm Meemaw.
This is Bobo.
Have you met
GimGim and Mimsy?
Oh, you know what?
Why don't you take our seats?
I think
we're at the wrong table.
Oh! My back!
Oh, it happens to me
all the time.
Oh.
I'm gonna get you
the name of these shoes.
Doug,
I have cooked for you,
spray tanned you,
taken two
of your sign spinning shifts.
Are we seriously
not even yet?
I think you're making
too big a deal about this.
I just need you to dress up
like Harley Quinn
and give a foot massage
to the winner of my game night.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna win.
And get this,
Gerald fell again.
Wrist this time.
That man's got more pins in him
than a tailor's mouth.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
He never learned
how to fall the right way.
Too proud.
Wait, there's a right way
to fall?
Really?
A follow-up?
Resist the temptation to
break the fall with the hands.
Land on your bottom.
Aim for the meat,
not the bone.
Oh... Mimsy!
[GUESTS GASP]
See? Good as new.
My dear husband,
such a gentleman.
He always opens the bathtub door
for me. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah. Would you excuse us
just a second?
[LAUGHTER]
'Cause she was.
It's not good.
Oh, totally!
We're just remembering
something that happened
on our last Negroni crawl
in Frogtown.
Oh, Frogtown!
Oh, "Bird on a bird!"
"Bird on a bird!"
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, you all got
the TikTok invite
Bridget from Quibi sent out
for her matcha pop-up
on Thursday, right?
You guys down?
Oh, yeah,
that sounds...
frosty.
[SIGHS]
Small hiccup.
When I got to the pet store,
I was down one python egg,
- which means...
- There's one still here.
Yeah, and I just checked the
living room, and it's not there.
Okay, nuggets!
Everyone outside!
It's time for the egg hunt!
[CHILDREN CHEERING]
Hey. Small hiccup.
Now it's time
for the bottle I brought.
Unh-unh-unh!
Fresh glasses.
This, my friend,
is a 2009 Chateau Trotanoy.
You might want
to cinch your belt up.
It's liable
to blow your trousers off.
Mm.
It's nice.
"Nice"?
I understand
why you would like it,
but... this is what
my wine club friends
would call
"an obvious choice."
I get it. You haven't developed
a taste for fine wine yet.
Um, I hate to say it,
but I probably know
more about wine than you do.
Two months ago,
you couldn't drink rosé
unless it was mixed
with Snapple.
There's only one way
to settle this...
are you up
for a little blind taste test?
Bring it.
Joe, go to the wine cellar,
pick out five random bottles.
- We have a wine cellar?
- What's a wine cellar?
MITCHELL: You were my first.
And we'd both been through
so much.
I mean, I was neurotic.
You had a-a bathroom
off the kitchen.
But we both found each other.
[SNIFFLES]
Anyway, I...
I-I-I feel like, um,
I have to say something.
It's not you.
It's... It's me.
[VOICE BREAKING]
I just, um...
I need more space.
But we could still
remember the good times.
Um, like...
like when I first moved in
and all I had
was that boombox.
Yeah, um...
what do you say? Yeah.
Huh?
One more time?
♪♪
♪ Now I've had
the time of my life ♪
♪ No, I never
felt like this before ♪
♪ Yes, I swear it's the truth ♪
What do you say? Huh?
Takes you right back, right?
To Valentine's Day 2003...
and four.
♪ And I owe it all to you ♪
MITCHELL: Gloria was right.
Once I said goodbye, I was able
to embrace this new house
and spend the next few weeks
getting ready for the baby.
I just needed closure.
And... And s...
And so did the drapes.
Because the... the dancing got,
uh... g-got pretty dirty.
♪ Because I've had
the time of my life ♪
♪ No, I never
felt this way before ♪
♪ Yes, I swear it's the truth ♪
- ♪ And I owe it all to you ♪
- [DOOR OPENS] - CAMERON: Mitchell!
The baby's here.
He's early.
- [MUSIC STOPS]
- What? I-I'm not ready!
Well, get ready.
And we will be discussing
why you were
"Time-of-my-Life-ing"
without me.
[BOTH SLURP, SWISH]
The uneducated palate would
identify this as a Cabernet,
when, in fact,
it is a Merlot from Bordeaux.
Correct.
Oh! Lucky guess.
In my twenties,
I befriended
a sommelier from Paris...
Marcel Caron.
In fact,
I went to stay with him.
We'd drink wine all night
and fall asleep
to the sound of an accordion
on the Rue de Montparnasse.
Much like this wine, that story
has too many fruity notes.
Next glass.
And... sip.
[BOTH SLURP, SWISH]
Mm.
That is a mature
Napa Valley Cabernet.
Correct.
Unh!
Eat that, old man!
You know, you don't
have to spike the football
every time
you get an answer right.
Only you could make
talking about wine
into something obnoxious.
Score is tied, two-two.
Time now
for the final wine.
[BOTH SLURP, SWISH]
And to reveal the answer...
Wait a minute.
Maybe we shouldn't.
Before we turned this
into a competition,
we were both having fun,
right?
We were doing something
we both liked.
It did occur to me
that this whole afternoon,
neither one of us
checked our watch once.
And if we flip this over,
one of us is gonna feel bad
and it could ruin
the thing.
I mean, let's face it,
we don't have a ton in common,
but today I saw
a little bit of me in you.
You can be
a competitive jerk.
And based on
that summer in Paris story,
you can be kind of a sensitive,
even perfumy type of...
That'll do.
Look, when you get back
from your trip,
why don't we
make this a thing?
We'll have a wine tasting
once a month...
without the competition.
I'm in.
Damn it!
Competitive bastard.
[CHUCKLING]
Oh, I love that kid.
[SIGHS]
Time to face facts,
honey.
It's the grandparent's table
for us.
- Grandpa Phil, huh?
- Mm.
Guess I could get used to
shaving naked at the gym.
Mm.
The hardest part is, our kids
aren't gonna need us anymore.
And it does means
we raised them right.
On the bright side,
one of them actually vacuumed
the living room rug,
and... looks brand new.
HALEY: Guys, help!
Don't listen to her!
I need you more!
- I spilled my drink at the party, and Doug came
- We had a huge party, and a snake guy came,
- and slipped and hurt his ankle, and now
- and the snake laid eggs, and it accidentally
- he's gonna sue us unless I...
- got mixed in with the Easter eggs... - Shut up!
Mom, I know you told me
not to buy expensive sunglasses
because I'd only lose them,
but then I...
They're on your head.
Oh. Cool.
[SCOFFS]
HALEY:
Hey! You find it?
No, but I just realized
why they call rolling
two ones with dice "snake eggs."
That's snake eyes.
Oh.
Then what did I realize?
Don't worry.
I got this.
What's with
the bunny suit?
Well, I needed a plausible
reason to be out in the yard.
It's your house.
Okay,
I-I like the costume.
I found one!
- Oh, no!
- On it!
Ooh!
I've never seen
so many pretty ones.
Mama!
The Easter Bunny
stole my basket!
T-That's because
I'm the Easter Bandit.
You were
a little bad last year.
I know.
I have five now!
Five eggs?!
Well, congratulations!
You get to trade
these five eggs
for one...
solar path light!
GIRL:
This egg's moving!
Wait, wait, wait!
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
That is a magic egg.
Ohh!
Close your eyes
and make a wish.
Okay.
Where's my egg?
Disappeared.
Gotta go!
Uh, can I at least
get a picture with you?
- Uh...
- Grandpa!
- [EGG CRACKING]
- Uh-oh.
One very quick pic.
[CAMERA CLICKS]
Uhp! Got my own finger.
Sorry.
Ah.
Well, that's me.
How'd I do that?
Here we go.
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
Wait.
I'm getting a call.
Who do I know
in Delaware?
Let it go to voicemail,
Jim!
Okay.
Stop squirming,
Easter Bunny!
And one...
- Three!
- [CAMERA CLICKS]
- Got it.
- Have a good year, everybody!
Be good!
Especially you!
What is the big emergency,
Alex?
I was using my Shop-Vac
to give myself a hickey
to show the guys
at game night.
Hello, Doug.
Oh. The mother.
Look, Alex isn't
coming to game night.
She's also not cooking you ribs,
doing your laundry,
or getting you
an online M.B.A.
Actually,
I might finish that.
- I really think we could make the Dean's List.
- Tch!
Well, we had a deal,
so if she's not
gonna keep up her end,
I guess
I'll just have to sue.
Oh, no, no, no, Doug.
I think
that we can work that out
right here, right now.
What do you think...
of this number?
I'd like it a lot better
with another zero on the end.
- Oh. Okay.
- Yeah.
Well...
I blame myself.
You...
You try to instill
a sense of responsibility
in your children, and...
[VOICE BREAKING]
obviously, I failed.
[CHUCKLES]
I don't know
why I'm surprised.
It's the story
of my life.
[SIGHS]
Loveless marriage, no job,
and now...
Some reason,
I thought that being a mother
would be the one thing
I got right.
Well...
[INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS]
Could you at least wait
till Wednesday to cash this?
Um...
No.
Sorry about
your miserable life.
I have faith
that you'll get it together.
- Ohh!
- Oh, Mom!
Oh! Oh, my wrist!
- My wrist!
- Oh, my God.
It's broken!
He pushed me!
No, I didn't!
Yes! You did!
I saw it.
That's elder abuse.
You messed
with the wrong Gamma.
Long story short, Doug and I
decided to call it even.
And, thanks to me,
not one child got bit.
[GROANS] Are you really
gonna keep that thing?
Do we always
have to talk about my snake?
Okay, this is too soon.
She wasn't supposed to
give birth for two more weeks.
Yeah, and, you know,
not to be critical of women,
but how hard is it
just to hold it in?
You know,
I had that giant coffee
and sat through Manny's
one-man "Uncle Vanya."
We... We... We still
haven't baby-proofed.
We don't... We don't have
a changing table.
I haven't even started painting the
mural above the baby's crib yet.
Okay, so I guess
there are some positives.
- Guys! - Oh!
- Oh! Oh! - [TIRES SCREECH]
Lily, I'm so sorry.
I forgot you're back there.
And every time you speak, it's
like a... a ghost popping out.
There's no carseat
back here.
Okay, Lily,
you don't need a carseat.
Honey, not everything
is about you! Come on!
For the baby!
Oh. Oh, my G...
Oh, my God!
It's packed away. It's...
It's in the moving truck.
Okay, but can...
can you hurry?
Sorry I was late.
A smokey
set up a bear trap,
and I had to back off
the hammer.
I'll get your carseat
in no time.
Where are the movers?
Those were no movers. They were
just men carrying boxes.
[GLASS SHATTERING]
Those things were broken
before we packed them, huh?
Are we sure
we put the carseat in right?
What do you mean, we?
I-I-I don't know.
it felt shaky!
Oh, God, this is bad.
This is really bad.
We don't have diapers,
we don't have formula...
I don't even know
where we live.
If somebody asks for an address,
what am I supposed to say?
"Some new house
someplace"?
- Guys.
- Aaah! - Ohhh, my gosh!
O-O-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
We're awful.
We haven't even
checked in with you.
You... You must be
freaking out, too.
No, I'm not,
and neither are you.
This is just your process.
You get hysterical,
you worry
about every detail,
then you turn on
each other...
- No, we don't!
- Yes, we do.
How dare you.
And after
all that craziness,
when it really matters
the most, you...
W-What?
W-W-What do we do?
♪♪
[BABY COOS]
Our son.
He's beautiful.
We got this.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
♪♪
Okay, so, Gloria said she set up
Joe's old bassinet in our bedroom,
and I think we have enough
diapers to last us till morning.
D-Don't forget
to support his head.
I will.
It's not my first rodeo.
[GASPS] Oh, I can't wait
to take him to his first rodeo.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, um,
she's asking what time
she should bring everyone by
for the baby reveal.
I don't know, may...
Maybe it should just be
the four of us tonight, huh?
Aww.
You know, I...
think I finally realized
what this house has been missing
all along.
[BABY COOS]
- Recessed lighting.
- Totally.
to batteries and takeout menus.
[GASPS]
And goodbye, wall dent,
from when we thought
Lily was a trombone prodigy.
[GROANS]
Mitchell!
That was your last eye roll
in this house!
You know what,
when the new baby comes,
can you not do it as much?
Because, you know, you did it
around Lily a lot, and...
[SCOFFS]
Okay... hey, hey, no, no, no.
Don't throw those away.
I-I might want
to use those
for my big baby reveal
to the family.
If he's bald, I can do
a whole Elton John thing.
Not only are we moving,
but we're adopting a baby
that's due in two weeks.
And that is stressing me out
because eleven years ago,
I revealed Lily
with "The Lion King,"
and there's
a lot of pressure...
- Self-imposed.
- ...to top myself.
So, I've been workshopping
a few ideas.
I hope everyone here likes...
baby!
[CHUCKLES]
I can see that taking
everyone's breath away, no?
Uh, I'm more concerned about
the city taking our baby away.
♪♪
Okay, the repair guys are
gonna be here in five minutes.
[SIGHS] I can't believe
I'm saying this,
but we might actually
be getting away with...
- Hey!
- Hey! What are you guys doing home?
Yeah, I thought you went
to that beach cleanup.
Well, we tried,
but the beach yoga people
wouldn't even move
a hundred feet down.
You'd think they'd have been
a little more flexible.
Oh, Phil.
The good news is, we're back
and we are here
to help you set up
for the twins' Easter party.
Um, we're good.
Anyway,
we got this covered.
And you guys
had such a long morning,
why don't Gamma and Grampy
grab a nap
so that they're fresh
for the party, huh?
Okay. [CHUCKLES]
Okay. But I...
It's all good.
We got it.
Last weekend, Mom and Dad
went to the artichoke festival
in Monterey.
And Dylan's mom
had the twins,
so we took the opportunity
to have a little party,
just to see
if we still had it in us.
We did.
- [HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYS]
- I'm trackin' the pizza guy,
the pizza guy,
the pizza guy!
His name is Ibrahim!
Don't forget the garlic knots,
garlic knots, garlic knots!
Yo!
This party is the GOAT.
Greatest of all time.
I'm Doug,
your across-the-street neighbor.
I was just curbin' my bins,
heard the party noise,
thought I'd join up.
Want a refill on that?
There is no scenario
where I accept a drink from you.
Lit.
Nice to see the Dunphy name
still carries some party clout.
- Ah!
- [GROANS]
You know, we're running low
on jungle juice.
Just soak it up with a towel
and wring it back into your cup.
Mm. Okay.
[LAUGHING] Cool!
What kind is that?
Uch. Can I have
one conversation tonight
without someone asking me
about my snake?
[THUD]
Ohh! Good Lord!
- What happened?!
- I slipped on that drink you spilled.
Oh! Hurt my ankle
really bad.
I mean,
I don't want to sue you,
but I don't really see
any other option.
Do you?
So now I work for Doug.
Hey, everybody!
Ibrahim has arrived, has a...
[SCREAMS]
[PEOPLE GASP]
Don't stare at it!
Put it out!
♪♪
We made
some temporary fixes
and scheduled repairs
for today,
when Mom and Dad said
they'd be at the beach.
Then they came home early.
It's just hard when
you can't trust family members.
"Don't Gamma and Grampy
want to take a nap?"
That's not insulting
to you?
- [SNORING]
- Phil.
- Phil!
- I... wasn't sleeping. I was listening.
And g-good for you.
That is... That is
a lot of steps for one day.
I was talking
about the kids.
They're treating us
like actual grandparents
instead of the... the...
premature grandparents
we clearly are.
I'm the only one
in my aqua aerobics class
who doesn't need two noodles.
[CHUCKLES]
I put the eggs in a cute basket
for the Easter egg hunt.
I saw it in a magazine.
Cute.
- CLAIRE: Haley.
- Oh, no.
Honey, your dad and I
didn't feel like taking a nap.
Why don't you give us a job
for the party?
Uh, well, we could use
some help dyeing these eggs.
But why don't you
change for the party first?
- Oh, good idea!
- Yes!
Phil, wakey, wakey!
Okay, we got sixty seconds,
people.
We gotta move fast.
Come on. Come on.
Come on, come on, come on,
come on, come on, come on!
- [INDISTINCT TALKING]
- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes!
Come on, move faster!
Let's go, let's go,
let's go, let's go, let's go!
Would you hurry it up
a little bit?
Oh, come on!
Get out of here now!
Go, go, go!
Thank you so much.
I love you guys so much. Bye!
Okay. I think
we actually got away with it.
Oh, no.
I have to stop
saying that.
That dude from the party said
that his python was pregnant.
Do you think
those could be her eggs?
Oh, my God!
Is one of them hatching?
- That's so disgusting!
- Ohh.
We have to cancel
the party!
What? No way!
We just got back in
with this parent group
after our daughter's
biting spree.
If they didn't love
their kids being gummed
by an adorable toddler,
I don't think they're gonna
love their kids
getting punctured by a python!
Calm down.
Snakes lay all their eggs
in one dark place.
I've got them all here.
I'm gonna run them by the pet store.
Oh, my God. Is one of them
moving? Get them out of here.
They're so gross.
Gross, gross, gross, gross.
[GROANS]
Hey, where you running off to,
little buddy?
And where are you
running off to, big buddy?
Hey, stranger!
Going out again?
I barely see you these days.
I'd love to hang out, Jay, but
I've got a wine club meeting.
What, are you into wine?
I love wine!
- Okay. See ya.
- Wait a minute!
I'm gonna open a bottle
later on.
Why don't you bring one
and we'll have a little tasting?
I guess
I wouldn't mind that.
I'll stop by the store
on my way back.
While you're there, would you be
a prince and pick me up a soda?
I've got homework.
Where'd you get a fifty?
Don't worry about it.
GLORIA:
Welcome to your new house!
I don't remember this room
feeling so stark and cold.
Luckily this is
a smart house.
Adam, warm light mode.
- [BEEP]
- ADAM: Initiating.
- Oh!
- Oh, no... no!
No, that just brings out
the molding around the windows.
I... Does it feel like
we're in a nursing home?
Adam, party mode!
- [BEEP]
- Initiating.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
Oh, God. No!
No, that's... that's even worse.
I'm... I'm sorry,
I just...
I don't feel like I've ever
been in this house before.
- [MUSIC CONTINUES]
- Adam, I swear to God!
- [BEEP]
- Initiating.
Did we just make
a huge mistake?
Mitchell, you know
you hate change.
Remember when
you shaved your beard?
You screamed in the mirror,
"Oh, my God, you look hideous!"
That was you.
I mean, you have been a crab
all day long.
How do you know?
You haven't even been around us!
I took a crazy guess.
Look,
this is buyer's remorse.
I learned that from my mentor,
Phil Dunphy,
and I know how to fix it.
Come with me
if you want to live...
in this house...
and not be a bummer to everyone.
Lily, you need to help me
start unpacking.
We need to work
on my baby reveal.
Adam, thinking mode.
- [BEEP]
- Initiating.
[SERENE MUSIC PLAYS]
I know it sounds crazy,
but it works.
In order to accept
the new house,
you have to properly
say goodbye to this place.
Okay, I'm not talking
to a house. Okay?
And... And why are the movers
just sitting out there?
Don't worry about them.
I'll handle them.
I used to be a mover.
I kind of fell into it
when I helped an ex-boyfriend
steal his brother's
refrigerator.
Okay, wait, so you've been
a cab driver, a hairdresser,
a spokesmodel,
and a mover.
I-Is your life real?
Is anything real?
That was a question
that I asked myself
when I was
a philosophy professor.
Now, say goodbye
to the house.
Tell it
how much it meant to you.
Be honest with each other,
like two lovers
that know that the time has come
when they must part ways.
Okay, well, usually,
I would just
take my gym membership
off his keychain
and then introduce him
to my mother.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey, house.
Hey, you humps!
We're paying you
by the hour!
We're on a coffee break,
lady.
Oh, don't give me that.
I used to do your job.
And this attitude,
this is why people hate movers.
That and all the stealing.
Whoa! You think
you can do better?
[CHUCKLES] I hate
to burst your bubble wrap,
but I know I can.
We actually double booked today,
so this works out.
Have at it.
Oh, no, no, no, no!
Ay, wait!
Come back, humps!
LILY: What are you doing
with the cat?
Okay, don't worry.
On the day, I will replace Larry
with the baby.
Once the family is all seated
around the table,
I'll undo
the security rope
and then let the baby
hover above the table
for all the family
to marvel at.
[CHUCKLES]
- [CELLPHONE RINGS]
- Wait. Phone's ringing.
- [CELLPHONE BEEPS]
- Hello?
Yes, speaking.
What?
[LARRY MEOWS]
No!
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]
Oh, honey, did you just take
a sip from the paintbrush water?
[CHUCKLING] I think I'd know
if I did, Claire.
Oh! This must be
the grandparents' table!
- I wouldn't say that.
- No, I d... I don't think...
These are the kids'
grandparents, Gamma and Grampy.
Oh, nice to meet you.
I'm Meemaw.
This is Bobo.
Have you met
GimGim and Mimsy?
Oh, you know what?
Why don't you take our seats?
I think
we're at the wrong table.
Oh! My back!
Oh, it happens to me
all the time.
Oh.
I'm gonna get you
the name of these shoes.
Doug,
I have cooked for you,
spray tanned you,
taken two
of your sign spinning shifts.
Are we seriously
not even yet?
I think you're making
too big a deal about this.
I just need you to dress up
like Harley Quinn
and give a foot massage
to the winner of my game night.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna win.
And get this,
Gerald fell again.
Wrist this time.
That man's got more pins in him
than a tailor's mouth.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
He never learned
how to fall the right way.
Too proud.
Wait, there's a right way
to fall?
Really?
A follow-up?
Resist the temptation to
break the fall with the hands.
Land on your bottom.
Aim for the meat,
not the bone.
Oh... Mimsy!
[GUESTS GASP]
See? Good as new.
My dear husband,
such a gentleman.
He always opens the bathtub door
for me. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah. Would you excuse us
just a second?
[LAUGHTER]
'Cause she was.
It's not good.
Oh, totally!
We're just remembering
something that happened
on our last Negroni crawl
in Frogtown.
Oh, Frogtown!
Oh, "Bird on a bird!"
"Bird on a bird!"
[LAUGHTER]
Oh, you all got
the TikTok invite
Bridget from Quibi sent out
for her matcha pop-up
on Thursday, right?
You guys down?
Oh, yeah,
that sounds...
frosty.
[SIGHS]
Small hiccup.
When I got to the pet store,
I was down one python egg,
- which means...
- There's one still here.
Yeah, and I just checked the
living room, and it's not there.
Okay, nuggets!
Everyone outside!
It's time for the egg hunt!
[CHILDREN CHEERING]
Hey. Small hiccup.
Now it's time
for the bottle I brought.
Unh-unh-unh!
Fresh glasses.
This, my friend,
is a 2009 Chateau Trotanoy.
You might want
to cinch your belt up.
It's liable
to blow your trousers off.
Mm.
It's nice.
"Nice"?
I understand
why you would like it,
but... this is what
my wine club friends
would call
"an obvious choice."
I get it. You haven't developed
a taste for fine wine yet.
Um, I hate to say it,
but I probably know
more about wine than you do.
Two months ago,
you couldn't drink rosé
unless it was mixed
with Snapple.
There's only one way
to settle this...
are you up
for a little blind taste test?
Bring it.
Joe, go to the wine cellar,
pick out five random bottles.
- We have a wine cellar?
- What's a wine cellar?
MITCHELL: You were my first.
And we'd both been through
so much.
I mean, I was neurotic.
You had a-a bathroom
off the kitchen.
But we both found each other.
[SNIFFLES]
Anyway, I...
I-I-I feel like, um,
I have to say something.
It's not you.
It's... It's me.
[VOICE BREAKING]
I just, um...
I need more space.
But we could still
remember the good times.
Um, like...
like when I first moved in
and all I had
was that boombox.
Yeah, um...
what do you say? Yeah.
Huh?
One more time?
♪♪
♪ Now I've had
the time of my life ♪
♪ No, I never
felt like this before ♪
♪ Yes, I swear it's the truth ♪
What do you say? Huh?
Takes you right back, right?
To Valentine's Day 2003...
and four.
♪ And I owe it all to you ♪
MITCHELL: Gloria was right.
Once I said goodbye, I was able
to embrace this new house
and spend the next few weeks
getting ready for the baby.
I just needed closure.
And... And s...
And so did the drapes.
Because the... the dancing got,
uh... g-got pretty dirty.
♪ Because I've had
the time of my life ♪
♪ No, I never
felt this way before ♪
♪ Yes, I swear it's the truth ♪
- ♪ And I owe it all to you ♪
- [DOOR OPENS] - CAMERON: Mitchell!
The baby's here.
He's early.
- [MUSIC STOPS]
- What? I-I'm not ready!
Well, get ready.
And we will be discussing
why you were
"Time-of-my-Life-ing"
without me.
[BOTH SLURP, SWISH]
The uneducated palate would
identify this as a Cabernet,
when, in fact,
it is a Merlot from Bordeaux.
Correct.
Oh! Lucky guess.
In my twenties,
I befriended
a sommelier from Paris...
Marcel Caron.
In fact,
I went to stay with him.
We'd drink wine all night
and fall asleep
to the sound of an accordion
on the Rue de Montparnasse.
Much like this wine, that story
has too many fruity notes.
Next glass.
And... sip.
[BOTH SLURP, SWISH]
Mm.
That is a mature
Napa Valley Cabernet.
Correct.
Unh!
Eat that, old man!
You know, you don't
have to spike the football
every time
you get an answer right.
Only you could make
talking about wine
into something obnoxious.
Score is tied, two-two.
Time now
for the final wine.
[BOTH SLURP, SWISH]
And to reveal the answer...
Wait a minute.
Maybe we shouldn't.
Before we turned this
into a competition,
we were both having fun,
right?
We were doing something
we both liked.
It did occur to me
that this whole afternoon,
neither one of us
checked our watch once.
And if we flip this over,
one of us is gonna feel bad
and it could ruin
the thing.
I mean, let's face it,
we don't have a ton in common,
but today I saw
a little bit of me in you.
You can be
a competitive jerk.
And based on
that summer in Paris story,
you can be kind of a sensitive,
even perfumy type of...
That'll do.
Look, when you get back
from your trip,
why don't we
make this a thing?
We'll have a wine tasting
once a month...
without the competition.
I'm in.
Damn it!
Competitive bastard.
[CHUCKLING]
Oh, I love that kid.
[SIGHS]
Time to face facts,
honey.
It's the grandparent's table
for us.
- Grandpa Phil, huh?
- Mm.
Guess I could get used to
shaving naked at the gym.
Mm.
The hardest part is, our kids
aren't gonna need us anymore.
And it does means
we raised them right.
On the bright side,
one of them actually vacuumed
the living room rug,
and... looks brand new.
HALEY: Guys, help!
Don't listen to her!
I need you more!
- I spilled my drink at the party, and Doug came
- We had a huge party, and a snake guy came,
- and slipped and hurt his ankle, and now
- and the snake laid eggs, and it accidentally
- he's gonna sue us unless I...
- got mixed in with the Easter eggs... - Shut up!
Mom, I know you told me
not to buy expensive sunglasses
because I'd only lose them,
but then I...
They're on your head.
Oh. Cool.
[SCOFFS]
HALEY:
Hey! You find it?
No, but I just realized
why they call rolling
two ones with dice "snake eggs."
That's snake eyes.
Oh.
Then what did I realize?
Don't worry.
I got this.
What's with
the bunny suit?
Well, I needed a plausible
reason to be out in the yard.
It's your house.
Okay,
I-I like the costume.
I found one!
- Oh, no!
- On it!
Ooh!
I've never seen
so many pretty ones.
Mama!
The Easter Bunny
stole my basket!
T-That's because
I'm the Easter Bandit.
You were
a little bad last year.
I know.
I have five now!
Five eggs?!
Well, congratulations!
You get to trade
these five eggs
for one...
solar path light!
GIRL:
This egg's moving!
Wait, wait, wait!
Wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait.
That is a magic egg.
Ohh!
Close your eyes
and make a wish.
Okay.
Where's my egg?
Disappeared.
Gotta go!
Uh, can I at least
get a picture with you?
- Uh...
- Grandpa!
- [EGG CRACKING]
- Uh-oh.
One very quick pic.
[CAMERA CLICKS]
Uhp! Got my own finger.
Sorry.
Ah.
Well, that's me.
How'd I do that?
Here we go.
[CELLPHONE RINGS]
Wait.
I'm getting a call.
Who do I know
in Delaware?
Let it go to voicemail,
Jim!
Okay.
Stop squirming,
Easter Bunny!
And one...
- Three!
- [CAMERA CLICKS]
- Got it.
- Have a good year, everybody!
Be good!
Especially you!
What is the big emergency,
Alex?
I was using my Shop-Vac
to give myself a hickey
to show the guys
at game night.
Hello, Doug.
Oh. The mother.
Look, Alex isn't
coming to game night.
She's also not cooking you ribs,
doing your laundry,
or getting you
an online M.B.A.
Actually,
I might finish that.
- I really think we could make the Dean's List.
- Tch!
Well, we had a deal,
so if she's not
gonna keep up her end,
I guess
I'll just have to sue.
Oh, no, no, no, Doug.
I think
that we can work that out
right here, right now.
What do you think...
of this number?
I'd like it a lot better
with another zero on the end.
- Oh. Okay.
- Yeah.
Well...
I blame myself.
You...
You try to instill
a sense of responsibility
in your children, and...
[VOICE BREAKING]
obviously, I failed.
[CHUCKLES]
I don't know
why I'm surprised.
It's the story
of my life.
[SIGHS]
Loveless marriage, no job,
and now...
Some reason,
I thought that being a mother
would be the one thing
I got right.
Well...
[INHALES DEEPLY, SIGHS]
Could you at least wait
till Wednesday to cash this?
Um...
No.
Sorry about
your miserable life.
I have faith
that you'll get it together.
- Ohh!
- Oh, Mom!
Oh! Oh, my wrist!
- My wrist!
- Oh, my God.
It's broken!
He pushed me!
No, I didn't!
Yes! You did!
I saw it.
That's elder abuse.
You messed
with the wrong Gamma.
Long story short, Doug and I
decided to call it even.
And, thanks to me,
not one child got bit.
[GROANS] Are you really
gonna keep that thing?
Do we always
have to talk about my snake?
Okay, this is too soon.
She wasn't supposed to
give birth for two more weeks.
Yeah, and, you know,
not to be critical of women,
but how hard is it
just to hold it in?
You know,
I had that giant coffee
and sat through Manny's
one-man "Uncle Vanya."
We... We... We still
haven't baby-proofed.
We don't... We don't have
a changing table.
I haven't even started painting the
mural above the baby's crib yet.
Okay, so I guess
there are some positives.
- Guys! - Oh!
- Oh! Oh! - [TIRES SCREECH]
Lily, I'm so sorry.
I forgot you're back there.
And every time you speak, it's
like a... a ghost popping out.
There's no carseat
back here.
Okay, Lily,
you don't need a carseat.
Honey, not everything
is about you! Come on!
For the baby!
Oh. Oh, my G...
Oh, my God!
It's packed away. It's...
It's in the moving truck.
Okay, but can...
can you hurry?
Sorry I was late.
A smokey
set up a bear trap,
and I had to back off
the hammer.
I'll get your carseat
in no time.
Where are the movers?
Those were no movers. They were
just men carrying boxes.
[GLASS SHATTERING]
Those things were broken
before we packed them, huh?
Are we sure
we put the carseat in right?
What do you mean, we?
I-I-I don't know.
it felt shaky!
Oh, God, this is bad.
This is really bad.
We don't have diapers,
we don't have formula...
I don't even know
where we live.
If somebody asks for an address,
what am I supposed to say?
"Some new house
someplace"?
- Guys.
- Aaah! - Ohhh, my gosh!
O-O-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
We're awful.
We haven't even
checked in with you.
You... You must be
freaking out, too.
No, I'm not,
and neither are you.
This is just your process.
You get hysterical,
you worry
about every detail,
then you turn on
each other...
- No, we don't!
- Yes, we do.
How dare you.
And after
all that craziness,
when it really matters
the most, you...
W-What?
W-W-What do we do?
♪♪
[BABY COOS]
Our son.
He's beautiful.
We got this.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
♪♪
Okay, so, Gloria said she set up
Joe's old bassinet in our bedroom,
and I think we have enough
diapers to last us till morning.
D-Don't forget
to support his head.
I will.
It's not my first rodeo.
[GASPS] Oh, I can't wait
to take him to his first rodeo.
[CHUCKLES] Okay, um,
she's asking what time
she should bring everyone by
for the baby reveal.
I don't know, may...
Maybe it should just be
the four of us tonight, huh?
Aww.
You know, I...
think I finally realized
what this house has been missing
all along.
[BABY COOS]
- Recessed lighting.
- Totally.