Modern Family (2009–…): Season 10, Episode 7 - Did the Chicken Cross the Road? - full transcript


Oh, Mitchell. Are you awake?

Yeah, I think
the lady upstairs just screamed.

- Should we check on her?
- No, that was me.

Something terrible just
happened in the shower.

Oh, God. What did you try to shave?

No, I forgot the words to
"Thank God I'm A Country Boy."

Okay, two minutes ago, I was on the
back of a snowmobile with Daniel Craig.

Mitchell, I sang that song
my entire childhood.

If I can't remember the lyrics,

that means I've lost
complete touch with my roots.

How could I let this happen?

Don't be so hard on yourself.

I'm not. This is mostly your doing.

Should have seen that coming.

You have shamed the country boy out of me.

You roll your eyes when I say
"y'all" or "fixin'".

You made me take down our clothesline.

I just asked that we put it in the backyard.

You know what I have to do.

Relearn the lyrics to...

Get a chicken.

So, apparently, there's no legal reason

why we can't have a chicken in our backyard,

and... and I did a real deep dive.

Okay, so this is the kitchen,
which we recently remodeled.

Get used to that.

Okay, this is the living room.

- synced and corrected by sot26 -
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Okay, so, you and Mom will be in the chairs.

Me, Haley, and Luke will be on the couch.

And the interviewer will be right here.

Alex is up for a very
prestigious government job

that requires a family interview.

In case they bring one
of those memory zappers,

I've Sharpied all the pertinent
information on my arm...

PIN numbers, et cetera.

Oh, honey, you don't think
that they're really going to...

Oh, do not worry, little lady.

I got you covered.

If you really want to
impress the interviewer,

why don't you try casually leaving out

this completed New York Times crossword

that I found at the gym?

Why bring a knife to a gun fight?

How about I lay out the family heirloom?

1931. Great-grandpa Ted Dunphy

is driving south from
Modesto one foggy evening.

He picks up a stranded motorist
and drives him to a gas station.

The man has no money,
so Ted pays for his gas.

The man thanks him with a quick
drawing on a cocktail napkin.

For you see, that man... was Walt Disney.

And this familiar fellow is Mickey Mouse.

Yeah, no thanks on the heirloom
or the crossword, guys.

Let's keep it simple, okay?

Honey, relax. You're awesome.

It's gonna go great.

Just as soon as we get this chair back

to where it's been ever since
we've lived in this house.

Mom, can you please
stop managing everything?

You mean like when she
cleaned my hat collection

out of the front closet
in case the interviewer

looked in there?

Honey, you never wore those hats,

and the charity was glad to get them.

Maybe you should have also
donated my dream of one day

going to the Kentucky Derby
or Easter at a black church.

Hey, Alex. Quick tip.
Smile during the interview.

I've been learning a lot about
different personality types

in my psych course,
and you're kind of textbook borderline...

all brains, no empathy.

You know, Luke, we are so very proud
of all the hard work you're doing,

and I look forward to hearing your insights

when you finish chapter two.

But for now, maybe you could just
put that book away.

No surprise you'd say that.

Controlling, obsessive...

classic Commandant personality type.

Ooh, burn.

Oh, grow up, Haley.

Sadly, she can't.

Such is the plight of the
Peter Pan personality.

You're saying Haley refuses to grow up?

I don't believe that.

Which brings us to another type,
the Dreamer...

head in the clouds,
tends to be naive, gullible.

I love that you're smart now.

That's your classic game-day breakfast...

your carbs, fiber, your protein.

You throw a shot of brandy in there,

you'll be ready to play in the Ice Bowl.

I don't eat beets. Never have, never will.

When you were 2,
you ate a dime and a butterfly.

Now your body is a temple?

He can eat a protein bar in the car.

We still have to pick up some
players that live far away.

Gloria, this is not okay.

It's legal.

They have P.O. boxes in the district.

And besides, everybody bends the rules.

I swear the goalie from the other team

has been my Uber driver.

Gloria, I'm trying to get the kid

to eat his vegetables.
I could use a little support.

Why aren't you dressed?

You're supposed to referee two games today.

I told you I don't want to do that!

I got my boxing match tonight.

Besides, those ref outfits are stupid.

Walk it off. You're fine.

- Move it, Joe.
- You're not hearing that?

So, Haley, you tell us about Alex.

Well, it was not easy
sharing a room with a genius.

She was always up reading and calculating,

but she also inspired me.

When I turned 21, I said,

"Haley, time to be your own woman,"

and I moved into the basement.

I'm sorry.
I don't... I don't mean to interrupt,

but I just keep replaying

my answer to you about my parenting style.

Oh, don't give it a second thought.

But when I said I wanted to run away
and never come back, that was a joke.

- Yeah, absolutely.
- I know.

It's just that you wrote it down like...

- Mom, let it go.
- Okay.

So, Alex, I see you spent
your summer in Honduras.

Any other travel that inspired...

Mrs. Dunphy?

If you could maybe just
make a little, like, L-O-L

next to my joke, so then it's super clear.

Australia, a camping trip to Costa Rica,

- and a month in Europe.
- Excellent.

Well, she does come
by her wanderlust honestly.

The kids here all know
about my high school trip

to the Soviet Union.

Yeah, but she doesn't need
to hear about that.

- No, please. Continue.
- In the depths of the Cold War,

my tumbling team was part
of a cultural exchange.

I became friends with a
Russian tumbler named Sergei

who wanted to hear all about the U.S.

He asked me to...
to send pictures when I got home,

and not just touristy stuff.

Sergei was interested in ordinary things...

uh, airports, um,
power plants, train stations.

His family was in the fence business.

He said our military had
the best fencing in the world.

I must have sent him 50 pictures
of the perimeter of Camp Pendleton.

Anyway, we don't want
to take up your whole day.

You wouldn't have time
to write up your report,

which you could title "Alex Dunphy:

The Apple that fell very far from the Tree."

- Thank you all very much. We will be in touch.
- Thank you.

Okay, bye-bye.

- Bye.
- Fun chatting.

You know what? We Dunphys clean up
pretty well when we want to, don't we?

Are you kidding me?

Mom, did you really have to
OCD all over her notebook?

And you, bragging about still
living at home at, like, what? 30?

And Dad, well done.

There's nothing that
cinches a government job

like finding out your dad was a Russian spy!

Luke was right about all of you.

Commandant, Peter Pan, Dreamer.

Thank you, Alexandra. It's not easy
being the smart ones in this family.

Don't compare us!

Your last English paper came back

with a Garfield sticker on it that said
"Way to go!"

That's the second highest
sticker she gives out!

Another fresh one,
courtesy of Princess Layer.

Another new name?

She's already been Egg
Ryan and Chicky Minaj.

I know having a chicken isn't your dream.

But if it makes you feel any better,

I think I know who I am again.

A person who hates chickens!

They are filthy and beyond stupid.

The moment I can find the receipt,
I am returning that chicken.

But I'm not gonna let Mitchell know because,

like that vile bird, I made a big stink.

Oh. We're out of chicken feed again?

I have a meeting at the school
today with the homecoming committee.

If polling is correct,

the new queen is gonna be in a wheelchair,

and we already blew our ramp budget on
a balloon drop, so could you maybe...

Cam, this will be my third trip to
the feed and grain store this week.

We agreed that you'd be the one
to take care of this awful thing.

I've never really felt
a connection to animals,

but there's just something
about that chicken.

The soulful eyes, the nervous movements,

the cute little splash of red on top.

She's just likeable.

Plus, I love going to that feed store.

T-The second I walk through the door,
I'm one of them.

- Howdy, Bobby.
- Hey.

Smells like rain.

What are you doing back so soon?

Yeah, I told you you got to buy
more than one bag of feed at a time.

No, it's no bother.

No, it's nice to get out of the field,

away from the chicken... s.

Evenin'.

The problem is I can't let Cam know

that I'm enjoying my new
life as a gentleman farmer.

I-I've spent our whole relationship

trying to tamp down his farm-ness.

Ugh, it's all the encouragement he'd need

to... to move us to Missouri
and go full Old MacDonald.

E-I-E-I-no.

Did I leave that unlatched? Oh, God.

Hennifer? Hennifer?!

Hey, are you Ridley?
I'm reffing the 1:00 game.

Hey, do I get my voucher for
a hot dog before or after?

Oh... Hey. You got your whistle?

Oh, damn. I forgot it.

Late and no whistle?
Where's your respect for the game?

On a football field somewhere.

- Hey, what do you say I borrow yours?
- Are you kidding?

I just lost six weeks of school to mono.

You're on field 4.

All right. Let's get this over with.

You are the referee for my game?

You don't know anything about soccer.

Take that up with the lady
who forced me into this.

Okay, purple, let's go!

Joe, Finn, Clyde up front!

Lucas, Dylan, Chad in the back!

Estefan, in goal!

I'm guessing that Estefan is the
kid who lives out of the district?

His legs are hairier than mine,

and I think he was wearing a wedding ring.

Let's get this party started, rookie.

Okay, they won't start
unless you use the whistle.

Whistle! Whistle!

Clyde, it's open! Yes!

Whistle! No goal! Purple offside!

Offside? Are you blind?

He's right.
Free kick for red right where the ball is.

Yes, free kick for red
right where the ball is.

And... whistle.

For the first time in weeks,
Gloria had to listen to me.

I was in charge. Ridley said so.

Goal, yes!

Coach, you're running up the score.

You got to sub in some
of your weaker players.

How about this kid with the neck pillow?
It's usually a tip-off.

I'm not running up the score. I'm winning.

You either make the substitution
or you are leaving my field.

- Pbht.
- That's it! Whistle!

You're out of here!

Doesn't frighten me.

How about that?

A little bit.

Oh, hey, Haley. What's up?

I'm kind of mad at my family, actually.

They keep saying I have one of
those Peter Pan personalities,

so, um, change of plans.

We're going to a play, not the circus.

Wait, what?

Dylan, don't make a thing out of this.

The elephant's not going to remember
you promised to see him next year.

No, Haley. I-I can't hear you.
Bad reception.

Let me move up.

Was Alex right?

Had I been an unwitting... an unwitting spy?

I even dug out an old
article they'd done on me

in a Russian newspaper during my trip.

Sergei told me the headline said,

"Young Tumbler's Mission of Friendship."

A quick scan into Google
Translate revealed the truth...

"Famous Tumbler Denounces the West."

I needed some fresh air to clear my head.

Had I been that big a dupe in high school?

And if so, what was stopping them
from trying to use me again today?

Hey, Mr. D!

Hey, hey, hey! What's up, buddy?!

Makes you crazy, doesn't it, Commandant?

No.

So you weren't about to
straighten that chair?

Because if the whole world
isn't completely ordered,

it feels like your skin is on fire?

This is literally armchair psychology.

Luke, your label for me was spot on.
I am a Dreamer.

No, worse, I'm a... I'm a patsy,

a mark, a full-on sucker!

Phil, calm down. You're not a dupe.

Have a seat.

- Sad.
- Hmm.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Dylan. Sweet lid.

- What did it cost you?
- Zilch.

Someone threw a bunch of them
in the trash across the street.

So, uh, Haley's waiting for you downstairs.

- Off you go.
- Hang on. I used to have a Panama that looked a little like...

And my fedora!

You duped me into believing we
were donating them to ISSBA,

and you were just gonna
throw them in the trash.

But this doesn't just hurt me, Claire.

What about the poor people at the Institute

for Sun-Sensitive Bald... Americans?

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Phil.

It's just that woman was
coming and the interview...

and there was all that clutter.

I'm sick. Tell him, Luke.

Save it, Claire.
You think of me what everyone thinks of me.

I'm a rube, a pigeon, a greenhorn.

Okay, Dylan.
Let's get you changed and lose the hat.

It's rude to block people's views where
we'll be spending our afternoon...

at an adult theater.

Huh.

I mean, we all knew there was
gonna be a third one, right?

- I didn't!
- Okay.

- I must have left the latch open.
- You probably did.

I... I know how much
that chicken means to you.

So much.

And now something this painful...

I-I don't think I could
have a chicken again ever.

Wait, wait. T-The security camera.

We can... We can find out
exactly what happened.

Oh, yeah. I... forgot about that.

Mitchell, Mitchell, wait, wait.

You're not used to the harsh
realities of farm life.

All these animals... they seem so sweet,

but it's a bloodbath at
the first sign of weakness,

like dinner with our friends when
one person gets up from the table.

Oh, my God. Okay, well, you... you look

- and tell me what happened.
- Okay.

And later, tell me what people
say when I leave the table.

Okay, well, nothing happening yet.

Okay, you know, I want to see.

No. No, no, no. Don't.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

- Something's come into the backyard.
- What?

I think it's a raccoon.

- Oh! Oh, the... Oh, the horror!
- Oh, my God!

No, no. No, she's fighting.

She's fighting, Mitchell,
with every fiber...

- That's right.
- ...of her indomitable chicken-y spirit.

And it's over. Oh, gosh.

Well, that's the worst
farm calamity I've seen

since a dinner theater
production of "Oklahoma!"

starring Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

Delete. Hmm.

Where's the body?

Um, dragged off.

Well, then she could still be alive!

W-We have to look for her.

Okay. G-Grab her favorite squeak toy.

Okay, well, which... which one?

Squirrely Temple or Lionardo DiCaprio?

It's like you don't even know her.

"Dead-end alcoholics...
broken lives, and broken dreams..."

Nope, nothing about Spider-Man.

Must be a different Iceman that cometh.

That's okay. It could still be good.

But, Dylan, you have to stop
looking at the carnival over there.

I'm sorry,
but it just might be easier to enjoy

this unsparing look at life's castoffs

if I knew that afterwards,

we were gonna walketh over there
and goeth to the bumper cars.

I'm literally asking for only...

4 1/2 hours?

Look. I know you want to prove
that we're mature adults,

but look at this line.

We are the young people here.

Whereas...

At the carnival, we'd be, like,

the oldest people there?

May I remind you what
they said to us last time

when they escorted us out of the ball pit?

"Excuse me,
but this attraction isn't really for..."

- "Adults."
- Aha.

- M'lady.
- M'Dylan.

Okay, we need to talk.

You bet we need to talk.

I was out of bounds throwing
you out of that game.

You bet you were out of bounds
throwing me out of that game.

But it was all my fault, Jay.

You bet it was all my fault, Jay...

Don't Bugs Bunny me.

Okay. So we both like to be in charge.

But when it comes to Joe,
can we both be on the same page?

Like this morning when
I was trying to get him

to eat his vegetables? Back me up.

I knew I should have
thrown away those beets!

Stupid. What am I, 4?

I guess we're not setting
a very good example.

Exactly! When we say no to each other,
he thinks he can say no to us.

Yeah, like for his homework, his bedtime...

Or something important like
eating those nutritious...

- Whistle!
- Whistle!

Phil, look.

I'm really sorry I lied
to you about the hats.

But in all fairness,
you do have a tendency to...

This again? How I can't throw anything away?

We have 100 episodes of "Hoarders" on DVR

in case you want to watch them again.

That's not what this is about.

This is about me blindly believing
whatever anybody tells me.

You're being too hard on yourself.

You want to see the best in people.

It doesn't mean you're
gonna believe just anything.

Really? What about
our beloved family heirloom?

- Claire?
- Hmm?

Is this real, or am I just a
fourth-generation Dunphy dummy?

Well, uh,
Mickey's shoulders are a bit muscular.

But, perhaps, Walt customized it

for your great-grandfather
because he was, uh...

He was a longshoreman?

- He sold ladies' bonnets.
- Oh.

Mom, can you slip Dad's credit card
back in his wallet before he...

Oh. Hey, handsome.

Further proof of how you all see me...

as a turnip truck faller-offer!

- No.
- Then I'll ask you.

Do you believe that this
was drawn by Walt Disney?

Uh...

Alex, get in here.

- Alex!
- No, honey, you know what she's gonna say.

Her optometrist won't
even let her wear contacts

'cause of all the excessive
eye rolling... Hi.

I need to know the truth.

Alex, real or unreal?

Real.

Yeah, it's a little off, but didn't you say

he had to draw it in the back of a truck?

And what hitchhiker

would be carrying around a drafting pencil

if he wasn't some sort of an animator?

And who would run out of
gas on the side of the road

but a starry-eyed dreamer envisioning
the happiest place on earth?

So... real.

Also I got the job.

- What?
- Hey.

Yeah, they just called.
I'm still in shock myself.

Oh, honey. I'm so proud of you.

Oh, let me get some champagne.

Luke, help me with the glasses.

Alex, that's amazing.
I knew you could do it.

You say that about everything.

- Well, I know, but...
- No, thank you.

Riding a bike, my first cello concert,

freshman chemistry, this job...

every time I was sure I
couldn't do something,

you convinced me I could.

It's nice to have a believer in the house.

I don't see her anywhere.

All right, let's maybe turn around
and look over there?

Okay, Mitchell,
why would the chicken cross the road?

We were never finding that chicken.

After an unpleasant struggle that I only won

after sustaining multiple scratches,

I put it in the back seat of my car,

drove it to the egg farm,
and lobbed it over the fence.

They can fly a little.

Oh, your arm's all scratched up.
What happened?

Oh, um, it's probably
from when I was trying to

break that fight up with those, um...
those blue jays.

- Oh.
- Oh, gosh. Oh, God.

Oh, man.

I am all of a sudden feeling very tired.

- Well, do you want me to drive?
- No, no, it's fine.

- Cam, watch out!
- Oh, my God!

You got rid of Hennifer.

Okay, I admit it.

I hated that chicken, and I was too ashamed

to say anything cause I...
I made such a big stink

out of you shaming the country out of me.

I'm sorry.

I have a confession.

- I love that chicken.
- Really?

I-I didn't want to admit it
because I like to see myself

as a sort of, you know,
sophisticated urbanite.

But I guess you...

you countrified me a little.

Well, you citified me.

- Aww, that's kind of sweet.
- It is.

You know,
now we just need to find an activity

that satisfies the
straw-chewing country boy in you

and the window-shopping cosmopolitan in me.

Drive up the road a piece.

Now, will this horse shampoo harm a cat?

Because I just... I love the scent.

Collar up or down?

Uh, down.

Yeah.

You'll pay for that!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Timeout, timeout! I just saw my reflection!

I told you that churro was
going to drink up my lipstick.

Time in!

Oh, my God!

Dylan, the lipstick went up my nose!

It's really jammed up there!

Oh, okay. Stay still, Haley.

I'll... I'll hit you from the other side.

What are you doing?

Just want to let you know,
the x-ray shows no broken nose.

I guess you figured out we
were acting kind of childish.

Enjoy it while you can, right?

Yeah. Who says we have to race
into being adults?

Why wouldn't you want
to enjoy a carefree life

as long as you could?

At least until the baby comes.

Oh, that's years away. Trust me.

Actually, we always run
a blood test before anesthesia.

You're pregnant.

We can be here all night.

I couldn't.

I was late to watch the fight at Shorty's.

By the time I got there, the Polish sausage

was gonna be down to
those puckered end pieces.

Listen, I'll meet you halfway.

When your mother's not looking,

you eat a beet, I eat a beet.

Deal?

Mi amor, can I get some wine?

That was Estefan's father.

The Green Goblins are trying to recruit him.

I need to stop by the ATM
and then go to his house.

When your daddy's not looking,
let's split the beets, okay?

Fine. I'm ready to eat these,

but can we turn off the lights

so I don't have to see how gross they are?

- Makes sense.
- Good idea.

- Bravo, papi!
- That's my guy!

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