Modern Family (2009–…): Season 10, Episode 6 - On the Same Paige - full transcript

I don't remember buying
these fresh peaches.

(GASPS) Ahh!

Apologies, Serge.

My wife Claire seems to have
forgotten I'm holding office hours

for my Intro to Real
Estate class here at home.

So, when I walked to the laundry
room 10 minutes ago in my bra...

That was kind of
perfect, actually.

I had just made a point
about how buildings

from the early '70s were
holding up surprisingly well.

(GASPS) So, maybe I'll...

Yeah. Mmm-hmm,
mmm-hmm. Yeah. All right.



See you in class, buddy.

(SIGHS) What a great kid.

That's why I chucked it all for a life in
academia, Claire. (INHALES DEEPLY)

It's a special feeling,

knowing that there's a young man

walking around out there
who you helped mold,

who you can be proud of.

Hey, Dad. Hey. You
know? You're up early.

What are you talking about?

I hugged you
from behind earlier.

You know, I said, "I don't
remember buying this six-pack."

Then you did that funny
Eastern European accent.

(IN EASTERN EUROPEAN
ACCENT) "I don't want trouble.

"I just want to
learn." (CHUCKLES)



Should we be concerned
about group molesting Serge?

And aren't you at the
minimum number of students

before they cancel your class?

Not to worry. Serge worships me.

And the rest of the
class is super solid.

Plus, it's the last day
to drop classes anyway.

(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Oh, speaking of that,

I'm thinking about
dropping history.

How come? It's not
really exciting me.

Plus, we've got this
huge paper due today

that I haven't quite
finished starting.

Hmm. It's on the
Monroe Doctrine.

The Monroe Doctrine?

Oh, no.

Junior year history class,
I wrote the perfect paper.

Strong thesis, impeccable
supporting arguments.

I quoted from the letters
of a White House footman

who recalled Monroe
calling to him from the bath,

"Beauregard, fetch me my
breeches. We have a doctrine!"

I got a "C." (EXHALES)

(INHALES SHARPLY)

So you agree with
that grade, huh?

Don't patronize me.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

The food at the club has gotten
so much lighter and healthier.

We had a run of angina attacks,
so we had to go heart-healthy.

We said goodbye to our
social chairman, Herb,

and our butter fountain
in the same weekend.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Hey, Mr. Pritchett. I'll
take this when you're ready.

Thank you, Maria.

Oh, Maria, it's a beautiful
name. It's why it's often sung.

But you're not going to...

♪ Ave Maria ♪

And curtain. Okay.

They just started letting gays in
here. Don't make them regret it.

You might also want to tell
Sharona to steer clear of the table.

Yes. Yeah, well,

I should probably save my energy
for my performance tonight anyway.

Oh, darn, Gloria and
I have tickets to, um...

(STAMMERS)

Don't worry, Jay.
It's not for you.

Oh, good, I didn't know
where I was going with that.

Tonight is a fundraiser
at Lily's school.

We're, you know,
raising money for the kids.

A night of song and sketch.
All the dads are performing.

Well, most of the dads.

Proud of you, son.

Ah, it's not a complete
victory. I still have to watch it.

So thanks for breakfast, Dad.

Hey, I love spending
time with you two.

Every month, I've got to
burn off a minimum at the club,

and literally everybody
else I knew was busy.

That's why I also give a lot of
birthday presents from the pro-shop.

You know, mugs and visors
that say "Kiss my putter,"

or "Talk birdie to me."
Quality items. Everybody wins.

So, if you're not rushed, you
should treat yourselves to our spa.

You know, get a
couple of, uh... Yeah.

A couple of standard treatments.

Oh, well, you're so generous.

Might I say, you look very handsome
in that shirt we gave you for Christmas.

They also make it in queen's coral.
Oh, no, did I spoil your birthday?

Sounds like you might.

(CELL PHONE CHIMES AND VIBRATES)

Oh. (LAUGHS)

What's so funny?

Oh, it's just that I've been
e-mailing this mom at school.

We both volunteer together.

You e-mail?

It's harmless. Listen.

"Hey, Jay, enjoyed laughing
around the planetarium with you.

"Your jokes were
out of this world."

Okay, so, if it's so harmless,

then I'm sure Gloria knows
about this flirty quipstress.

Don't make
something out of this.

Oh, my God! Oh, that's
why he's wearing the shirt.

(GASPS) Because it
makes your blue eyes pop.

I'm not letting you
magpies dirty this up.

(CELL PHONE
VIBRATES, UNLOCKS) Oh!

Uh, "Park by the swings so
I can help you carry stuff in."

(IN SULTRY VOICE) "Park by the
swings so I can help you carry stuff in."

You're sullying
this, and I'm leaving!

Okay. Well, say
hi to your girlfriend.

She's not my girlfriend! The only
reason we're paired together is

because our kids are in
the same reading group.

BOTH: Ooh!

JAY: Damn it! (CHUCKLING)
I love when we "ooh."

We used to do that all the
time, and then we stopped. Why?

I don't know.

Joe, why did I find your
eyepatch in the garbage?

I don't know. Were you throwing
away another parking ticket?

Okay, you have to put it on.

Why? My lazy eye is fixed.

Okay, I'm over here.

And it's only one more week.

And you look tough,
like a little warlord.

(CAR HORN HONKS)
Oh, that's Liam's mom.

See you after school.

Okay, papi, but promise me

that you're going to wear
the eyepatch the whole day.

I will.

I can't believe
you don't trust me.

Two days ago, I caught you
trying to copy a $20 bill in the printer.

Dad says I get to pick
what we watch on TV

when I start making
my own money.

Go to school.

If you guys are ready, me
and Julio will get started.

Oh, by any chance, did you
guys meet down by the schoolyard.

♪ Me... ♪

No. No. Okay.

(SOOTHING MUSIC
PLAYING ON STEREO)

(MOANING)

Oh, that's the spot. Oh, yeah.

(CAM CONTINUES MOANING)

Now I'm remembering

why we haven't had a couples
massage since our honeymoon.

Aruba.

That's not where we went.
That's the noise he made.

(GROWLING) Aruba...

Cam, could you just... Just...

(SHUSHING)

(QUIETLY) I'm sorry. Thank you.

CAM: (MOANING)
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Okay, you know what?
I'm gonna call it. Yeah.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) What
happened? Was he forward?

No, I just can't relax with
you making these noises.

Well, I can't relax
without making the noises.

Which is why I'm leaving.

Thank you, Julio, and I'm
sorry. I didn't catch your name.

It's Aweema-weh. Good
luck to you both. Okay.

Oh, Luke! Honey, hi.

Hey, Mom. Everything all right?

Of course, I just felt
like making a stop

by the hallowed halls
of community college.

What's with the police tape?

Oh, some frat guys decided to
drive the Dean's office to Burning Man.

Okay. Well, anyhoo, since we're
here, before you drop that history class,

could you possibly turn
in an old paper of mine?

I would love to get a
second opinion on it.

Sure. But you know how
you just did something weird,

and I didn't ask a single
follow-up question?

Yeah. You owe me one of those.

How did you even get an
old paper on a thumb drive?

(SCOFFS) It was easy.

Ish.

The old paper was
on an old format.

But it was a simple matter

of stringing a couple of old machines
together to get what I needed.

All right.

Yes, I have been accused of having
a little problem with perfectionism.

(SING-SONG) It's working.

But I also have a little
problem with injustice.

Much as a certain US President

had a little problem with
European imperialism.

Of course when a man
does it, it becomes doctrine.

And when a woman
does it, she's hysterical.

I hope you guys like counting
crows. Escrows, that is.

(LAUGHTER)

PHIL: It had become
a familiar sound.

My 18 devoted
students laughing as one.

Only something was different
this time. It sounded like 17.

Could it be that I had
a wobbler in my midst?

Sure enough, Paige Stevens was
going through the course catalog.

If I lost her, I'd be below my
minimum and lose the class.

For the sake of
those 17 dreamers,

I had no choice but to
unleash the Dunphy charm.

Paige Stevens. Present.

Oh, wait. We already did
that part, and you nailed it.

I read your essay last night.
Whom did you study privately with?

I'm sorry?

Come now, Paige.

Your insight, your
grasp of the vernacular.

Was it Fremont?

Or perhaps one of the Europeans?

(IN GERMAN ACCENT)
Scharfenbrugen? No.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) Of
course not. He lives as a recluse.

He hasn't taken
students in years.

(INHALES DEEPLY) I'm simply
saying that your raw instincts

may be the best thing
to happen to real estate

since the allowing of
split commissions in 1994.

Didn't you tell us it was...

Can we, for one moment, have
a break from the Serge show?

Just promise me that,

in a few short years, when you
become the next Fred Dunham,

that you'll come visit us?
(EXHALES SHARPLY)

Do you really think?
No, I don't think. I know.

From there, it
was a bit of flattery,

a dash of encouragement,
and Paige was turned.

So, if I could paraphrase what
our star pupil just pointed out,

sometimes, it's just a matter
of finding the dupe in duplex.

And there it was again. That
sweet music, 18 people laughing.

I'll see you all next week.

Definitely.

Oh, and I am holding
office hours at my house.

So feel free to
come by any time.

Oh, cool.

Oh! You... Uh, Paige?

Mrs. Paige Dunphy...

Curses.

I'd over-wooed my wobbler.

Oh, hey.

Are we still on
for dinner tonight?

Yeah, I can probably
get us into late seating

at my grandpa's country club.

Can you hold off till 6:30?

Actually, I thought maybe I
could come over and cook for you.

Awesome.

Hey! There's my
favorite class dad!

Hey. (CHUCKLES)
Tie my apron, will you?

My pleasure. Uh, not
my pleasure, of course.

That sounds weird,
and I'm not a weird man.

Mitch and Cam got in my head.

I had a perfectly innocent
relationship with the fun mom,

but then they got
me feeling all guilty.

Suddenly, I couldn't mention
one thing in that school

without it sounding
like a double entendre.

Nap time. Fun zone.

(WARILY) Juice box.

I got some nice tomatoes.

Oh, yep.

Did you spill something?

Huh? No, just working
hard on this pizza.

Guess I ought to take
this off. (CHUCKLES)

Boy, feels naked without it.
You ever feel that way, naked?

I really wanted to trust that
Joe was wearing his eyepatch,

but after finding it in the
garbage, I had to make sure.

I didn't want him to
mess up his vision.

I think it's a big
problem in this country.

Everywhere I look, there
are men with googly eyes.

Let's take a selfie for
the school newsletter,

so flash those baby blues.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Did you preheat my
oven? Not on purpose!

Well, that was quite a
little snit fit back there.

Were you trying to
embarrass me or...

Is that even possible?

The singing in the restaurants,

your Herbal Essence
audition during the massage?

You know, you're the one
who should be embarrassed.

I am. Isn't that what
we're fighting about?

Look at you. You can't even put on
your boxer-briefs in a men's locker room

without your little
terrycloth shame skirt.

(QUIETLY) It's
called modesty, Cam.

Could you please just
keep your voice down?

(QUIETLY) Yeah, yeah. You know what?
Well, it's all part of the same thing.

You know, I'm not embarrassing.

You're the one that's just
embarrassed by everything.

That is crazy.

Ow.

This seems worth it. I'm fine.

No, you're not. And
it's affecting all of us.

You're constantly shushing Lily and
me, scolding us just for living out loud.

Can we please have
this conversation later?

No, we can't because I'll be
busy performing in Fathers' Follies,

something else you're
too self-conscious to do.

You're missing
out on life, Mitchell.

You need to take
off your shackles,

let people see who you are.

I've had enough. The
wandering eye, the lies.

Why was I so nervous? I
had done nothing wrong.

Sure, I'd engaged in
some friendly e-mail banter.

I guess I realized blue
shirts make my eyes sparkle,

might've done a few
push-ups in the parking lot

before the pizza party,
but that's for everybody.

He's trying to
make a fool of me.

Sonia, I have to go.
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Where have you been all day?

I see what you're
implying. Fine.

Her name's Laura. She
means nothing to me.

And the only reason
my wedding ring is off

is 'cause I was afraid I
would lose it in her dough.

I'm sorry.

What the hell are
you talking about?

A couple of e-mails.
Harmless stuff.

"Park by the swings so I
can help you carry stuff in."

These are what you're worrying
about? There's nothing there.

Mitch and Cam were implying
there was something weird going on.

Oh, that's crazy. She's
like 35 and gorgeous.

(LAUGHING) Exactly.

Although I don't think
you read that e-mail

the only way it could
have been read.

I mean, it could have gone,

(SULTRY VOICE) "Park by the
swings so I can help you carry stuff in."

Sounds like she knows
about your bad back.

Jay, there's no
harm in a little flirting.

Especially you.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) What
is that supposed to mean?

You're a good man. You have
like a built-in alarm system.

It keeps you in the right path.

Then why did you shoot
me that look at school?

It was meant for Joe.

I worry that he doesn't
have your strong conscience.

I worry that he has
my family genes

where we can lie
and lie and lie and lie

without feeling
one ounce of guilt.

(STUTTERS) You don't
lie to me, though, do you?

Never.

(CAR DOOR OPENS)

Here he is now.

I'll bet he comes in here
and apologizes for lying.

Yeah, if he's like
one from your family.

But if he walks in
here all easy-breezy,

pretending that he
didn't do anything wrong,

he's 100% Ramirez, or
whatever our real name is.

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey, buddy.

I'm sorry. Okay?

I lied about wearing my eyepatch,
and that's only the beginning!

I lied about how my bike broke!

I never walk Stella. I
tie her to the treadmill!

The last three teeth I put
under my pillow were Tic Tacs!

I'm a terrible boy.

Oh, good. He's weak like you.

(APPLAUSE)

MAN: Thank you, Tiffany's dad!

And now, please put
your hands together

for Lily, Harper, Zack,
and Danielle's dads,

The Bees Knees!

(KAZOOS PLAYING FLIGHT
OF THE BUMBLEBEE)

Go, Dad! (CHEERING)

I was the only dad
in the audience.

MITCHELL: It was just me and
a bunch of women and children.

I felt like a coward
on a life boat.

I mean, Cam was
right. I was missing out.

Hey, Bob. A quick favor to ask.

If you don't think
Harper would mind,

do you think maybe I could
wear the bee costume?

Take it. I'm in the show later anyway,
playing bass with the Grateful Dads.

Oh, then good. Yeah.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Oh, my God, I'm so proud of you!

(SONG ENDS) (APPLAUSE)

Thank you! Thank you.

And now we'd like to take
a moment to remember

our beloved lunch
lady, Mrs. Penny Miller.

(CELLO PLAYING)

Oh, my gosh! I can't believe
you did that! That was amazing!

Oh, stop it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa! Whoa!

No!

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

Oh, God.

Did we learn nothing
from the gloves?

(CELLO CONTINUES PLAYING)

Sorry. No.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.
I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it. I got it.

For starters, my
grandmother's ravioli.

It looks amazing.

I've been saving some
occasion wine in my room.

The grape character on the
box is saying, "Mamma Mia!"

so it should go
well with Italian.

Hello, Professor.

I, uh... I see you took me up on
that open door policy I mentioned.

Oh, I'm not here for
office hours. This is a date.

Of course.

I've heard things like this
happened to Paul McCartney

at the height of
his Beatles fame.

It was a classic Fatal
Attraction situation.

I had to do two things.

One, get through
the next 10 minutes

till the deadline to drop my class
had passed by distracting her

with light banter and
enjoying her Tuscan cooking.

And two, check to see if she
had beaten and restrained Claire.

I'm not coming on too
strongly, am I, with this dress?

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) No. Lovely.

I'm really nervous
about my cooking.

If a guy doesn't eat every bite
of my grandma's ravioli, I go nuts.

Well, we certainly don't
want that to happen, do we?

(CHUCKLES) Now,
uh, where are you from?

(MUFFLED) Originally?

I would say Italy,
but there's no accent,

so obviously
that's not the case.

Oh, Luke, Luke. Any word
on my Monroe Doctrine paper?

Oh, actually, I decided
not to drop the class,

so it didn't really
feel right, turning it in.

Huh. But something
funny did happen.

I had your paper
open on my computer.

Paige saw it and thought it was mine.
She made some really good changes.

Changes?

Yeah, well, she cut to
the chase in a few places,

cleaned up the ending.

She's a history major,
you know. Get it.

Mom, I'm kind of in the
middle of a dinner date.

Are you?

By now, you might be in the
middle of a movie or a board game.

We all know how obsessed
she is with changing things.

Go get the paper, Luke.

Oh, good. You're okay.

I'm not that okay.

I'm not a fan of this Paige.
She's got some nerve.

So you're aware? Oh, I'm aware.

I'm aware that she has no
problem putting her grubby little paws

all over something that
doesn't belong to her.

I can see you're upset.

I am. I'm upset

because I basically took the
most boring thing in history

and made it interesting.

She thinks she can come in
here and just make it hers. No.

Feels a little hurtful,
but she is my student,

and I have a lot at stake here.

So can I please just
handle this myself?

(SIGHS)

You didn't miss
much with the ravioli.

The showstopper is my branzino.

It smells great.

We don't get to have fish
around here. My dad hates it.

Well, this one's
a family recipe,

so if you don't like it, I'll
pretty much have to drop you.

Well, let's not have
any of that crazy talk.

Two minutes to deadline. I
couldn't let her drop my class.

Now, (CLEARS THROAT) back...

(BREATHING SHAKILY)

(MUFFLED) To where you're from.

Encino. Oh. (GAGS)

(QUIETLY) Damn it.

Mom, don't be mad at
her. She was just trying to...

No, she made it better. What
was I thinking with this sentence?

"The esteemed barrister's
argument was as layered

"as the cuffs on his
after-dinner breeches?"

That is the third time
I mentioned breeches.

What was I going
through? Can I go now?

(SIGHING) Yeah. Oh, wait, honey.

I like this girl for you.

She deserves better
than boxed wine.

Haley keeps a nice
bottle under her bed.

You really seem to
like that. Oh, yeah.

I could make another one,
but it would take a while.

Let's see. It's 7:00 now.

Oh, thank God.
Paige, we have to talk.

I may have sent some
signals I didn't mean to send.

Nonetheless, some of your
behavior has been a little inappropriate

and, frankly, kind of
disrespectful to my wife.

Oh, wait. Hang on. Hang on.
I changed my mind about that.

I am not mad at you.

All you did was take
an interest in something

that I should have
dropped 25 years ago.

Uh, Claire...

And can I say something else?
I'm all in favor of this relationship.

Claire? I don't want to jinx it,

but I think you could be
exactly what he needs.

I know. He may look like a man,

but, honestly, in a lot of
ways, he's still just a little boy.

Complete mess in the bedroom.

Although here's a tip for you.

He actually does respond
well if you stay on top of him.

So you're okay
with... Absolutely.

As a certain US President once said,
"Let the era of good feelings commence."

Oh, my God! This is
the best day ever! Oh!

Huh.

Huh.

So it turns out Paige was
only making dinner for me

so she could get
close to my dad.

I am sorry, buddy, but I did warn
everyone about the Dunphy charm.

It's also a little interesting

that Paige's realtor dad abandoned
the family when she was 12.

Seems irrelevant. He
also dabbled in magic.

Now we're just having
two separate conversations.

Did you know her last
three boyfriends were 50?

Maybe spend a little less time
with your nose in that psych book

and a little more
time being sexy.

Ah, ah, ah. You'll get this back
when your homework is done.

Joe, what is this?

Just some notes
from my friend Hannah.

Friend? This doesn't
sound to me like that.

This is very flirty.
Let me see that.

"Dear Joe, want to share
half my Fruit Roll-Ups?"

Well, this is just
kids being kids.

Ay. Don't be a fool.

(SULTRY VOICE) "Dear Joe,
want to share half my Fruit Roll-Up?"

That's a different spin on it.

Where's that voice
been? Now this one.

"It was so fun
running at recess."

"Randy's rash is really gross."

Maybe we should go upstairs.
Watch your movie, Joe.