Modern Family (2009–…): Season 10, Episode 2 - Kiss and Tell - full transcript

One, two, three.
(SCREAMS EXCITEDLY)

Hey, guys, we're here.

Welcome!

Pool's cool, snacks in the
kitchen, I've had some rose,

so Fun Mitchell is in the house.

Showing quite a bit
of leg. This is very...

World Cup-y. Ah!

JAY: There they are,

my adult children
still sponging off me

after nearly five
decades. Love it.

Sorry, thought I'd bend that
into a joke but it stayed real.



Yeah. Mmm.

Hi, kids. Hey, Grandpa.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, Phil.

Hmm.

(CHILD SHOUTING)

What's up his can?

I don't know.

Not easy being a
white man these days.

You feel me.

So, I got Dad and Gloria's
anniversary present.

You guys both owe me 40 bucks.

Wait, it's their
anniversary? I...

I thought it was
Gloria's birthday.



Oh, it can't be Gloria's birthday.
She gets mad even if you mention it.

I once asked when it was,

and she left a dismembered
Bratz doll in my purse. Ugh!

Huh. Then, why are we here?

You know what? Let me
go check what the cake says.

I'll have a glass
of cake, too. Okay.

Quick, before she comes back,
I need some relationship advice

and it's kind of in a
gray area ethically.

Oh, but it's okay to ask us because
as gays we wouldn't dare judge anyone

while living such
a deviant lifestyle?

Even the most beautiful version
of our love is a mortal stain

compared to the worst
thing you could do?

Maybe I should talk
to somebody else.

No, tell us. Spill, girl, spill.

Okay, so, just between us,

you know how I'm with Arvin
and he's working in Switzerland.

Well, I did something bad.

I kissed Dylan. (GASPS)

Whoa, whoa!
Dylan's still around?

I thought he joined
a cult or something.

I heard he ate Mentos
and a Coke and exploded.

I don't know why I did it. It
meant nothing but I feel horrible.

And Arvin keeps calling, but
I'm not picking up because, like...

Do I have to tell him?

Uh, honey, these things
happen in every relationship.

You absolutely do not need
to tell your partner everything.

That's a fun thing to
hear your husband say.

Oh, please don't turn
this into something.

Well, I was going to say
"Yes, you need to tell Arvin

"because you want your
relationship based on truth."

Which, apparently, mine is not.

Ugh! This sucks. I
don't know what to do.

I was counting on you
two to be on the same page.

Well, we usually are. When
have you ever seen that?

What are you hens
cackling about?

Oh, just asking how
they are. (CHUCKLES)

I'm gonna jump in the pool.

Haley doesn't care how
people are. What's going on?

It's nothing, she was just
asking for some advice.

Why wouldn't she come to me? I
thought we were finally becoming friends.

You know, think
about it, Claire.

All the secrets that
you kept from your mom.

But my mom was an uptight
crazy person. (SCOFFS)

Let's just slowly back
away as that settles in.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey, buddy.

Ready for the best thing to
happen to your mouth since...

I'm gonna bail on that, I took
off without a place to land.

How about a Mint "Jay-lep"?

I'll pass, seeing as I'm not a
100-year-old Southern lady.

(LAUGHING)

PHILIP: I finally saw
the movie Mean Girls.

I know, I'm a middle-aged
man. How'd I wait so long?

The point is, I realized I
have a mean girl in my life. Jay.

Like last week at this wedding,
I'm rocking my moonwalk

and Jay yells, "Hey,
look, it's Michael Jerk-son."

Enough's enough.

How do you get a mean
girl to stop being a mean girl?

Be mean girl-ier.

No, you're gonna love it.
Mint Jay-leps are all the rage.

Oh, you keep saying "Jay-leps."

Yeah, well, I made juleps
and... and my name's Jay,

so I call them "Jay-leps."

No, I get it.

It's just a fun thing.

Ooh! Are these the Mint Jay-leps
we've been hearing about?

Yeah. Oh, "Jay-leps." Adorbs.

They are adorbs.
Why do I doubt myself?

Manny, how was the road trip?

Uh, what can I say?
Six weeks, 33 states,

a lot of fake scrotums on
the back of pickup trucks.

And he met a very nice
girlfriend and he's in love.

Oh! Let's see a pic.

I wish I could. I went
old-school, used a film camera,

and the one roll I took of
her fell into the Grand Canyon.

You don't have a
single photo of her?

Uh, just this blurry
one on my phone.

MITCHELL: Oh, let's see. Aw!

MITCHELL: Oh, look at her. Mmm.

You can't really make her out,
but it captures her wild spirit.

MITCHELL: Yes. (GLORIA CHUCKLES)

Is it me or is Manny dating
Bigfoot? (CHUCKLES)

Let me tell you the difference
between Manny's girlfriend and Bigfoot.

Bigfoot could be real.

She's not a fake girlfriend.

You wanna hear the
kicker? MITCHELL: Mmm.

She's from Canada.

Oh, no. Oh, yikes.

Oh, stop it. Back me up, boys.

You know what, Gloria,
Canada is good for a lot of things,

but their number-one
export is fake girlfriends.

Yeah, it's kind of a thing.

Uh, before Cam and I came out
we each had Canadian girlfriends.

So, what are you saying
now? That Manny is gay?

We weren't, but he does
check a few of the boxes.

Come on, look at him.

He's as straight as the swim
from Cartagena to Houston.

The trip was amazing,
and I did the cheekiest thing.

I saw Oklahoma! in
Oklahoma, Chicago in Chicago,

and then, I got into a
little trouble in River City.

(CHUCKLES) Mmm-hmm.

Okay, that's the gayest
thing I've ever heard

and I shampooed
dogs in West Hollywood.

But he's had so
many girlfriends.

The last one was a
woman in her twenties.

Yeah, but didn't you
say he was so sweet,

when she stayed over, he
offered to sleep on the couch?

So what?

My first boyfriend, at his age,
he wasn't ready to sleep with me.

Mmm-hmm. What does he do now?

He runs a very nice
bed and breakfast.

With? With?

His good friend, Steven.

Shut up!

(SIGHS) I...

I really feel for Manny if
he's wrestling with this secret.

Yet you had no problem keeping
an indiscretion from me for 16 years.

And off we go. Yeah.

Just like the shorts of
that beefy UPS driver

that delivered you
two packages that day.

Wow! That is not what happened.

So you admit something happened!

Okay, I'm going to
tell you everything

because it is so much tamer

than what's in your head. Okay.

Six weeks into our relationship,
before we decided we were exclusive,

I kissed someone in a bar.

See, it's not a big deal.
Okay, yes, it is a big deal,

which is why I rejected
a very similar advance

at that same time
from a celebrity.

But I'm not going
to tell you who that is

because I don't want
you to feel insecure.

Okay, we both know
you're seconds away from...

It was Isaac Mizrahi!

Yeah, that's right.

Cindy Crawford's friend.

There you are.

We haven't had a chance to talk
about anything since you got back.

So, tell me about this
new Canadian girlfriend.

Well, she's
brilliant but humble,

beautiful but accessible.

One of the funniest people I've
ever met but also deeply serious.

Oh, such lovely general terms.

But she sounds a little
bit too good to be true.

What is her name?

It's Sherry Shaker.

Sherry Shaker?

Those are the two things that
are in front of you at this bar.

Ha! Delightful.

Manny, is there anything
that you need to tell me?

Maybe some kind of

sexual thing?

Um...

I really don't wanna
talk about this.

Okay, papi, but
you know I love you,

and that you can be honest
with me about anything, right?

In that case,

this is a lot.

I'm pretty desensitized to it,
but I saw Luke walk into a wall.

(LAUGHTER)

What are you guys laughing at?

Oh, I wouldn't worry about it.

You said something
funny, didn't you?

The guy's a joke
machine. Mmm-hmm.

Oh, someone's
sitting there. Who?

Someone who doesn't
ask a million questions.

Grandpa, you can sit with us.

Mmm.

Great.

It was working but
it was killing me.

I've actually had dreams
where the only thing happening

was me sitting with Jay while he
tousles my hair, calling me "sport."

Congrats, honey. Always proud
to celebrate one of your awards.

I didn't win an award.

Well, then what are
we all doing here?

I'm a busy man.

Don't you just golf now?

I work when it's raining.

Why am I defending
myself to you?

And why is your father mad
at me? Did I do something?

Probably. Isn't that
your relationship?

He's always desperate for your
approval, and you shoot him down?

It's supposed to be, but all
of a sudden he's like all cold,

won't let me sit with him.

Ugh! So high school.

Dad and I watched
Mean Girls the other night

and I chewed off
a piece of my hair

re-living how awful it was.

Wait. In the movie,

the heroine takes down the head
mean girl by being mean to her.

Maybe that's what
Dad is doing to you?

Son of a bitch.

Phil thinks he can Mean
Girls me? How lame is that?

Let me tell you something, I might
be a pretty face, but I fight to win,

just like Legally Blonde.

(EXHALES)

Oh, you're not looking at
your phone, is everything okay?

Yeah, everything's fine.

You know, if something
was on your mind,

I'm an excellent
person to confide in.

No judgment. God knows I've
done some stuff I'm not proud of.

(CHUCKLES)

Like what?

(CHUCKLES) Just like

shoplifting.

Wow! Really? Mmm-hmm.

I mean, no judgement
here. I do it, too.

What, you do? Yeah, but
I'm very ethical about it.

I only take things from
companies that use child labor.

That is how my generation
is saving the world.

Haley, I did not
raise you to steal.

You just said you do it, too.

I made that up so you would
tell me what's going on in your life.

Why would I? I stuff a couple
Pakistani lipsticks in my purse

and you freak out at me!

Well, if it isn't John, Paul and
George. Anyone need a Ringo?

Actually, we can get by without
a little help from you, friend.

Well, pool's so over anyways.

Maybe, uh, the guys want to hit
the H2O, rock some Marco Polo.

Good for you, not letting that
chest get in the way of having fun.

Most guys wouldn't go shirtless
until they got a little muscle.

We need to talk. Wait,
something weird is happening.

I want to see how it plays out.

Who's ready to hit the pool?

Marco! Solo!

(POOL BALLS CLACKING)

Okay, I know emotional slights

usually roll off me like
water off a mule's back.

Isn't it "duck"?

Uh, a lot of animals
bead, Mitchell!

The point is, I need
to know details.

I need to know what
happened and with whom.

Was it a peck?
Was it with Pepper?

Was he drunk? Did you get
a peck from a pickled Pepper?

How long you
been sitting on that?

You kissed a man six weeks...

Hi. Hi.

You kissed a man six
weeks into our relationship,

when I'm telling you I love you.

I'm calling my mom
telling her I met "the one"

while you were sidling up to
some cha-cha queen at a urinal.

Okay, this insane reaction is proof
that I did the right thing not telling you.

Okay. Everyone knows this
kind of secret is poison, Mitchell.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Let's take it to the room.

Uh, hey, you all heard that
whole conversation, right?

Of course, yeah. (ALL AGREEING)

So, Phil,

if Claire kissed someone
very early into the relationship,

should she have told you?

Of course. No way.

What? Did you kiss someone?

See? Secrets tearing them apart.

Mitch and Cam, I just want you
to know that I support your lifestyle.

And I find it very
charming when your people

act very emotional and
inappropriate in public.

Okay, so, I'm getting
no help from this room?

I'm sorry, but kissing someone
outside of a relationship is a big deal

and you should
fess up right away.

You told them? Yes!

Yes, they told us everything
and I can't believe you did that.

Well, I'm sorry, but Dylan
was a huge part of my life.

You kissed Dylan?

That's your secret? (GASPS)

You tricked me!
What are you doing?

You are dating a
world-renowned scientist.

I mean, isn't Dylan still
married, and still an idiot?

Hey! He is not still married!

And he's getting his life
together. He's in nursing school.

Good for him. I love Dylan.

Honey. She's dating
Arvin. We love Arvin now.

And wouldn't it be wonderful
if someone called Dylan

loved someone called Arvin?

No one in this room would
have a problem with it.

Am I wrong, or is your mom trying
to get Alex to come out of the closet?

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Oh, God, it's Arvin calling.

Quick, a show of hands,
who thinks I have to tell him?

Mmm-mmm.

One, two, three, four.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Four out of nine?
A frickin' tie?

Yay! I'm so happy I
finally reached you.

I know. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

How's work? Any
major breakthroughs?

Oh, well, I made a German laugh.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I miss you terribly.

I miss you, too.

Listen, um, we have to talk.

I love you, and this is really
hard for me to say, but I, um...

I did something stupid.

I kissed my ex-boyfriend.
It meant nothing, I swear.

And I'm hoping you'll forgive me
and we can forget this ever happened.

Sorry, love, you froze up.

I... I missed the whole thing.

Oh, that sucks, um...

This is really hard for me,
but I did something stupid.

I kissed my ex-boyfriend.
It meant nothing and...

Sorry. Froze up again.
In the funniest position,

you looked like you'd
smelled something dreadful.

Have another go. Okay.

Okay, I messed
up, and I kiss... Wait.

Okay, go. I kissed
my ex-boyfriend!

Damn it, stop freezing.

I'm not frozen.

Shocked.

Very hurt actually.

I'm so sorry.

It meant nothing, can...

Can we please move past this?

I don't know, um...

We said that we loved
each other, I... I trusted you.

What I want to do is
hang up on you right now.

Wait, I... (CELL PHONE BEEPS)

Well, I told him and it
couldn't have gone worse.

Oh, no. He broke
up with you. I'm sorry.

Not yet, he just hung up on me.

(SIGHS) Come here,
honey. I'm... I'm so sorry.

And I know why you
didn't come to me.

I haven't always been
Dylan's biggest fan...

You pushed him into a beehive.

To be fair, I pushed him off of
you, and he fell into the beehive.

But regardless, I want to be
supportive. No judgment. I promise.

I can't believe
how stupid I was.

I let Dylan get in my head,

and now I might have
ruined everything with Arvin.

So, what we're learning

is that sometimes it's
better to keep the secret.

You can't be proud of that.

Look, honey, sometimes
these things happen.

They happened with them. But
that turned out to be a good thing.

I'm sorry, in what way?

Because after Mitchell kissed that
guy in the bar, he called me crying.

So tortured.

He said the second he did it he knew
he wanted to spend his life with Cam.

Mitchell, is that true,
why didn't you say that?

Because we've been
together for 15 years, Cam.

I got defensive. I'm sorry.

Uh, no. I'm sorry.

I freaked out and I made
this whole day about myself.

And you're right, I can be
self-centered and emotional.

(VOICE BREAKING) I guess
it's because of all that time

my daddy spent with his pigs...

CLAIRE: Cam, please. It's time.

Mmm, mmm, mmm...

Haley, you're not a bad person.

Maybe this kiss taught you
something you needed to know,

just like it did
with Uncle Mitch.

If that's the case,

you need to fight
for the man you love

and shut it down
with the one you don't.

(SIGHS) You're right.
CLAIRE: Mmm-hmm.

I have to go see Dylan.

Okay.

Be strong. Don't let
him manipulate you.

He can be a very... She's good.

She's good.

(BLOWING AIR)

Ah! So happy that you came out.

What is going on with you?
And where'd you get that raft?

It was in a gift bag from a
very moving Pride benefit

that I went to with
Mitch and Cam.

If you want to know
if I'm gay, just ask me.

No, I don't want to be pushy.

I like women, Mom. Why on
Earth would you think I'm gay?

In fairness, you do
check a lot of the boxes.

I only thought it because Jay said
that the Canadian girlfriends are fake

and that Mitch and Cam had them.

You think my girlfriend is fake?

Well, you didn't
have any pictures,

and at the bar you said that
her name was something like

Olive Cocktail-napkin.

It's Sherry Shaker!

I am sorry,

but when I asked you if you
were hiding something from me,

you got all defensive
and you boob-shamed me.

Because something did happen.

Sherry and I,

we joined our...

We crossed that beauteous threshold
into the physical expression of love.

Have you ever heard a straight
guy describe sex that way?

That's what he meant?

Why does that feel worse to me?

Hey, Alex. You're
the last virgin.

(SCOFFS) Please, I'm dating a
fireman, I'm having hotter sex than...

Hey, Dad. What are you doing?

(METAL CLANGING)

He wouldn't.

(GLORIA GASPS)

I realized he was
Mean Girls -ing me back

with a weird nod to Legally Blonde,
which I bet he thinks I didn't notice.

I had to change tactics.

I had to stop acting
like a mean girl

and do the last thing Jay
would ever expect me to do,

act like a man.

What the hell are you doing?
Oh, yeah, well, everybody's hungry.

And the prevailing opinion is
that I'm a better griller than you.

(GASPS) No. Wow.

You must think
you're pretty tough.

Not as tough as your meat.

Claire! Yes, good.
Everybody get out here!

What? What's
going on? It's Phil.

Phil is grilling.

This bozo just told me that
you think I overcook your meat.

Is that true?

Uh... Um...

Luke?

Dad, we love you,

but you don't know
what medium rare is.

I've given you a meat thermometer
for three Father's Days in a row.

For the love of
God, just use one!

Fine! See if I care.

But I don't know what
you have against me today.

Kicking a man off his own grill,

making fun of my Mint Jay-leps?

You made fun of
his Mint Jay-leps?

He did them for you.

What? I don't know
what she's talking about.

The minute Jay
created the Jay-leps

all he could keep saying was

"Phil's going to get
such a kick out of this."

But he didn't. He
said it was dumb.

He said it was
an old lady's drink.

Since when do you
care what I think?

GLORIA: Always.

He thinks that you're
the life of the party.

He wants to be more like you.

All I've said is that
sometimes I envy people

who don't mind being an ass
because they're having fun.

And I guess,

you're one of those people.

Wow. So, all this time you've been mean
to me because you admire me so much?

Uh... Hey, look at me.

I loved those Mint Jay-leps.

You did? Yeah.

See that, Gloria, he did.

I only trashed them because
of what you called me

when I was dancing
at the wedding.

What? Flail Dunphy?
Shrill Dummy?

When you dropped
your drink? Spill Bumbly?

Michael Jerk-son. Oh!

Yeah. I forgot about that
one. I'm sorry. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, don't worry about it.

What are we doing? Did
you just call me "sport"?

Huh?

Haley. I had a feeling
it was going to be you.

You buzzed me in the
gate. Do you have a minute?

Sure, my roommates and I are
just studying for physiology midterms.

Oh, she's cute. Thanks,
girl. That hair is on point.

I bought it yesterday. Oh.

Can we talk out here?

Listen, I need you to know that that
kiss never should have happened.

Arvin and I are together,
and you and I are friends,

and that's all we're
ever going to be.

No, thank you.

"No, thank you"? I
didn't ask you a question.

Well, let me ask you one.

It's been 10 years and I
can't move on from you.

Also not a question. (CHUCKLES)

Remember the day we met?

I was walking through the halls
and I saw the most beautiful girl

and I was like,
"Whoa, who is that?"

And you were like,
"That's Rebecca Salkin."

And then I turned and
saw you for the first time

and I was done
with Rebecca Salkin.

Yeah, you were wearing
that cool beat-up army jacket.

And I was completely
jealous of your eyelashes.

Haley...

I fell in love with you that
day and I've never stopped.

I'm going to keep making
myself better until I deserve you.

HALEY: Why is it so hard
to be honest in relationships?

We play games,

we keep secrets...

I don't remember crying
to you about that kiss.

The truth wasn't moving
the needle. You're welcome.

HALEY: When all we
want to do is connect.

Everyone, listen up!

Hi I'm Sherry, I'm Manny's
real Canadian girlfriend.

This isn't the first
time I've had to do this.

CLAIRE: Hi. Hey.

Hola!

I guess we have to start with
being honest with ourselves...

And if I'm being honest,

I love two people. (CHUCKLES)

Damn it.

Can we go? Are
we waiting for cake?

Is it a birthday?

Should I make a toast?

To who... All right!

It's come to my attention
through a series of assumptions,

old e-mails and lazy,
sheep-like thinking,

that we may have
gathered for no reason.

Oh... So, it's not my
welcome home party?

Of course, it... Nope.

Your mother thought Alex
won an award, she didn't.

And the dry spell continues.

(SCOFFS) Please. The last
thing I'm having is a dry spell.

People, listen up.

There are too
many actual reasons

for us to see each other,

we cannot afford to
hang out by mistake!

I love you all, now go home.

Okay, great. Come on, let's go.