Modern Family (2009–…): Season 10, Episode 19 - Yes-Woman - full transcript

Shh!
You'll wake Lily.

How drunk are you?
I told you three times

- she's onthat school trip.
- I'd feel more confident

- if you weren't also whispering.
- Fair point.

Are...
Are you wearing lipstick?

- Hm?
- Am I wearing nail polish?

So, we kind of had
a crazy night out.

It started off
at this little

under-the-radar speakeasy
I heard about.

Uh, he Googled
"cool bars near me."

Anyway, we met a group
of 20-somethings



that... took a shine to us.

They introduced us to the world
of underground parties

and $18 cocktails.

- It was so burnt.
- Lit.

Lit.
Lit.

I don't even remember
half these bars.

Did we go to
a hospital last night?

Okay, Grandma Tucker's
hangover remedy...

Put a pat of butter underneathyour
tongue, tip your head back,

and I'll pour the hot sauce
up your nose.

Wait, wait,
wait, wait.

- That's a group text from Binker.
- What?

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh, my gosh.

The gang wants to get back
together and party tonight.



And you said
we'd never hear from them

after they saw us in that
horrible Denny's lighting.

Okay, we have to play this
exactly right...

We don't want
to come off too eager,

but we also want to let
'em knowwe're down to mob.

- Oh, my God.
- Cam, you knowour rule,

we never go out
two nights in a row.

- Yeah, I know, but this is...
- We're already pushing it

by going to that
lecture series tonight.

What lecture series?

Alan Greenspan'stop aide.

We bought the season passso
we'd get premium seating

to "A Night of
Sarcasmwith Fran Lebowitz."

Oh, everyone's in.

- Look at all those thumbs of colors.
- They're so woke.

"We're out.
Catch you next time"?

Mitchell.

How could you?

Storm out softly.
You'll wake Lily.

*MODERN FAMILY*
Season 10 Episode 19

*MODERN FAMILY*
Episode Title: "Yes-Woman"

Morning, honey.
Don't mind all the Caltech gear.

I figured I'd surprise Alexat
school and take her to lunch.

Surprise her?

At the end of the semester?

Honey, she's probablyin
the middle of exams.

She's gonna be...

thrilled.

Have you ever
seen a video of yourself

wearing something you didn't
realize was unflattering?

Well, that happened
to me recently, and...

it was my personality.

For centuries, man has longed
to rule the air

like the majestic
squirrel.

The wait ends
today.

Nope.

Uh, but
what if we...

- Doesn't matter.
- Hey, Mom.

I can pull this off,
right?

Let me.
Oh.

Ah, we're not home.

I made a decision
to be less negative.

It's the new me,
the girl who says "yes."

Friend went to Mexico
for the weekend.

I'm finding the level.

Crockett and Tubbs,
you look snazzy.

Thanks... I think.

I'm trying
to step up my game.

I started seeing
someone from work.

Oh, honey.
I don't know

if I think that's such
a good idea that...

Never mind.
I approve.

I doubt
my mom would approve

if she knew
the whole story.

Pool boy.

I need more towels.

Right away, ma'am.

Done. I just approved
another design.

The most luxurious
dog bed yet.

I call it...

The Top of the Bark.

GAh, that's nice
that you can

run your new company
at home

in clothes that
you can only wear at home.

When men get to a certain age,

they stop trying.

I've seen it before.

First, it starts
with the clothes,

then the body,
then the brain.

But I can't say
anything to Jay,

because when it comes
to his appearance,

he's very sensitive.

Mi amor, I'm back.

Welcome home.

You hate it, right?

I'll shave it.
It's a joke.

Stupid!

Good dawning, all.

What am I looking at?

Is the vet worried
you're gonna bite yourself?

It's a traditional
Tudor collar.

I'm pledging my school's
Elizabethan Society,

and I have to wear this
as a hazing ritual.

I don't hate it.

I think it makes your head

look like one of
those fancy cookies.

I also have to recite several
Shakespearean monologues

and festoon our dining hall
with some bawdy bunting.

What happened
to hazing?

It used to bemacho stuff,
you know,

like making a guy drink
a shotout of your belly button or

passing
an orange around

only using
your butt cheeks.

Look. It's one of the most
selective groups on campus.

I don't
want to jinx it,

but a week from now,
I could be learning

- the steps of the secret minuet.
- Ooh.

This is what happens whenyou
eliminate campus bullying.

Jay,
what do you think?

We'll go out
for a nice lunch,

dress up
a little bit.

This feels like an attack.

All right, that's as gentle
as I can go,

I am Colombian,
not Canadian.

I got an e-mail
from the club.

The older players have
takenover the driving range

for bocce
weekday mornings.

So what?
You can play golf later.

No, we got
a whole group...

The Sunrise Swingers.

We meet there at 6:00,
hit a bucket.

One of the galsis making up
tank tops.

Oh, yay.
More casual clothes.

No, I'm going down there,
get the support

of some of
the other golfers.

- Maybe I can fight this thing.
- Okay, good idea,

but don't forget that
there is a dress code at the club.

They probably already
overturned it.

Ah, the whole place
went to hell

when they stopped
puttingice in the urinals.

There's just something
about destroying a thing

while you're
taking a pee

that makes a man
feel like a man.

Oh, well,
hello there.

Uh, Dad.
What are you doing here?

Hi.

I thought
I'd take you to lunch.

It wasn't just about lunch.

Of my three kids, I've always
felt least connected with Alex.

And I'm afraid that
the distance between us

might grow
after she graduates.

Wow. Graduates?

It was just, like, 10 years ago

when she took
her first college course.

I really wish
you would've called.

I can't go to lunch today.
I'm late for...

- an event.
- Is that why you're all dressed up?

Yeah.
But it's no big deal.

B-T-dubs, have you seen
your school paper?

Apparently, your valedictorian
is a chimp.

How is that
not bigger news?

It's a fake paper, Dad.

It's senior prank week.

Oh. I wish I'd known that

before I sent your mom
this text.

"It's starting.
Hide the bananas."

- Seriously?!
- The Kepler Award?

Is this
where you're going,

'cause it looks like
it's a big deal?

It's just a boring reception
or finalists.

Well, I love
a good reception.

What time
are we expected?

Oh, I don't think
I'm allowed to bring guests.

Says here,
"families welcome."

But I didn't RSVP.

Says here,
"walk-ins encouraged."

What an informative flyer.

Awesome.
Let's do this.

Yoga, right?

No winners, no losers,

no "who's best?"

You want me to tell you
that you are the only one

that didn't need help
from the teacher?

Was I?

- Janice. Hi.
- Hi.

This is Claire,
my husband's daughter.

- Hi.
- Hi.

So, that makes Gloria kind
of like your step mother.

Yeah, we don't
do that.

- Oh.
- Um, anyways,

how is
your new boyfriend?

Pretty great.

I do feel
a little awkward

about the age difference, though.

Ooh, which way
are we talking?

He's, uh,
in his early 20s.

- Oh!
- Noice!

Isn't that
embarrassing?

No.
I say go for it.

Ooh, I like
this new Claire

that says "yes"
to things.

Before, you would belike, uh...

what is the word
for grouchy?

I don't think
it matters now.

Early 20s, huh.

Well, you're still beating
gravity at that point.

I bet everything
is right where it should be.

- Oh, yes.
- Yeah.

Check out
this selfie he sent

of his abs.

Damn!

Mm.

It's so nice to be with

someone
who takes care of himself,

not like the guys
my age.

Tell me about it.

Jay's starting to give up
a little bit.

You know, in the way
that he's dressing.

Mm.
Why don't you bring

your guy by the house
to remind Jay

that women like a man
that make a little effort.

Um, well, we're freelater
today, if that works.

Perfect. And, Claire, you come, too,
so that you help me

nudge Jay
in the right direction.

Well, I wouldn't want
my first "no"

- to be to my step mother.
- I said we're not doing that.

Cam, hurry!

If we get there
early enough,

we get to submit a question
about Greenspan.

I got a doozy
about stag-flation.

- Just hear me out.
- You...

- We decided...
- No, you decided.

And, Mitchell, we had so
much fun last night.

Lily's gone
for one more night.

Let's go out!
Come on. Have some fun.

And break our
two-night-in-a-row rule?

No, no.
I don't think so.

Okay, you slept
two hours last night.

You know you hit a wall
when you get over tired.

It's very intense.
You know what I think this is?

I think you're worried that
you can't keep up

- with me and my youthful spirit.
- Mm.

The other day, you called
a refrigerator an icebox.

That's not old, that's country cute.

Okay. Let's face it.
You were born 50,

and I've always been
young at heart.

And you know what?
Maybe that's what attracted you

to me in the first place...
My boyish charm.

And you were an older,
seasoned man who came and...

seduced me,
Mr. Robinson.

Okay, yeah,
that's a youthful reference.

You should trot that out
with your new friends.

Cam, this is
so you, okay?

You're running
yourself ragged

trying to remain young.

I mean, there's nothing wrong
with accepting the fact

that you're getting
a little older.

Unless you're admitting it
too soon.

You don't want to look
upone day and think,

"Oh, what did I
forget to do?

Oh, yeah. Live."

Well, you know what?
If you need me,

I'm gonna be pre-gaming
in Binker's loft in...

an abandoned cannery

in the old
pickle district.

- Sounds drafty.
- Yeah.

Nice roll.

The bocce situation
was worse than I feared.

I had to get the range back

in the hands of
the Sunrise Swingers.

Listen, I, uh,
got to be discreet.

Uh, I'm sort of
behind enemy lines here.

But, uh,
if I'm not mistaken,

you're a fellow, uh,

- "swinger."
- Excuse me?

No, no, it's okay. I'm cool.
It's just that I, uh...

I'm trying to get something
started here.

I mean, uh, of course
we have to meet in secrecy,

but I don't mind
hosting at my house.

- Are you actually suggesting...
- Lady, wake up.

Our way of life
is under attack.

Pretty soon,
there won't be enough of us

for a decent foursome.

I have to go.

Okay. Well, just think about it.

- That's all. Just think about it.
- Okay.

- Worth a shot, huh?
- What?

No, that's not
what I meant.

Oh, that's what you
bocceplayers are about, huh?

You find something nice,
and you ruin it.

That's Dr. Stieglitz.

He makes the final decision
on the award.

He's brilliant and scary
and impossible to impress.

Hey, I know this is
your dad talking,

but you're pretty brilliant
and scary

and impossible
yourself.

Okay. I've made
an appearance.

I think we can go.
Come on, now, Alex.

This is a party
in your honor,

and you're here withyour
own personal cheerleader.

- Dad, I just...
- I know how to pump up

an academic crowd.
I had to cheerfor the debate team once.

"Be persuasive,
B-E persuasive."

- "B-E P-E-R-S..."
- That's enough.

"Damn. Might as well
ask Schrodinger's cat."

Pets.

I once had a macaw that
could use a remote control.

Watched a lot of cable.
You'd think, uh...

You'd think Animal Planet,
but it was mostly Cinemax.Ah.

I'm Alex's dad.

Alex, get in here.

Actually, I was referring
to a thought experiment

concerning a paradox
in quantum mechanics.

Yes, quite, quite.

Where are you all from
originally?

It was so embarrassing.

Professor Stieglitz is a genius.

He doesn't fall for people
who pretend to understand him

by saying things
like "Quite, quite,"

or, "Indeed," or...

Touché, my good man!

But seriously,
I-I have a science question

- I've always wondered about.
- Uh, maybekeep wondering.

Would there be a safe amount
of helium you could give a baby

that would lift it
off the ground?

What?

Oh. I don't
want it to float away.

I-I just want it
to have fun.

Can we...

Could you
do me a favor?

I'm having a package delivered
to my dorm room,

and someone needs to
be thereto sign for it.

Can't your roommate
do it?

No. She got deported.

I thought she was
from Arkansas.

Yeah, but her parents were...

traitors.

- Beth and Allen?
- Don't feel bad.

We all fell for it.

So you want me to go back
to your dorm room

and sit and wait
for a package?

Yes.

Oh, sh-shoot, honey.
I...

I have a delivery coming back
to the house, too, so...

I should run.

- Well, if you have to.
- Yeah. I'm so sorry.

But, hey,
good luck, okay?

Bye, Dad.

Uh, did I
seem a little...

Zero Kelvin?
Cold. Yeah.

So you think I was...

Like the sum of a groupof
numbers divided by

the numberof those numbers?
Mean.

This is why no one wants
to code with you, Tina.

Hey. How in the world
did you find me?

You know that app you can puton
kids' phones to track them?

You put one on my phone
after I surprised you today?

Don't make me feel
worse than I already do.

Wait a minute.
You won?!

Congratulations!

Please don't be happy for me.
I can't take it.

I was
such a jerk to you.

No, honey, I get it.
I, uh...

I know I can
be embarrassing. I...

I just get nervous
around smart people.

Sometimes even you.

The first time I ever said
"quite, quite"

was when you were 6 years old
and you just told me

about how plants
make carbon dioxide.

This may surprise you, but...

sometimes I wishl was more like you,

the way you're always
able to enjoy life.

Believe it or not, I felt
the same way about my dad.

I'm a... I'm a pessimist
compared to him.

And his dad
actually suffered

from a smile-induced
hernia.

It's prank week,

and I spent the whole time
in the library.

Sometimes I feel like
I just went through

the four best years
of my life,

only I forgot
to make them

the four best years
of my life.

Well, college
isn't over.

And I just may be able
to help you

make up for
a little lost time.

Hot Wing Trivia's
about to start.

I have you guys registered
as "The Dunphys"?

How did you...?

You knew I was coming?

Let's not forget where you learned
about that tracking app.

And there's one tiny change.

We're actually
the MacDunphys.

Only my dad would think
that a trivia game...

The Triangle Shirtwaist Fire.

...where you balance hats
on your head,

drink beer as a reward...

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.

...and
eat hot wings as a punishment...

Millard Fillmore!

...needed that one last twist
of a Scottish accent.

Dopey, Sneezy...

and Grumpy?

Yeah!

Whoever said the most
important thing in life

is winning awards...

...wasn't all wrong.

I still remember
the day Mr. Greenspan

coined the term
"irrational exuberance."

He had taken
a longer than usual tub

and, as he sat
in the soapy water...

I had made a mistake.

Cam was off on an adventure

while I sat there
dying of boredom,

surrounded by people
dying of natural causes.

I'm gonna keep
the bounce going, okay?

- Keep the bounce going.
- Yeah, you know, it's a little more

- sass in the neck, because...
- Oh, my gosh!

Mitchell,
what are you doing here?

- What about the lecture?
- Well, uh, it was deadly.

Yeah, I'm getting old
before my time.

Please take me with you!
Make me young again!

Oh, my gosh,
we're so happy you're here.

Really? Yeah, of course.

- No "I told you so"?
- No. That's nothow my generation does it.

Well, check you out,
still going strong.

Yeah, you know what? I think I'm
just feeding off the energy,

because I haven't
felt this awake in...

- Hold on just a second.
- Hm?

Yo, blue guy!
Hey, blue shirt!

What's up, bro? Hey!

You looking at me?
What do you want to do?

You want to dance?
Why is he staring at me?

You know, you know, I don't
think he was looking at you.

It seems like he's looking at me.
What's...

Are you getting
a little tired?

Oh, please.
Can a tired guy do this?

Da! Hey, I love these guys!
Whoa.

Oh, did you know Daryl...
Daryl's mom was the runner-up

in the Miss Illinois
pageant

in 1990?!

♪ The year
I graduated ♪

♪ Daryl's mom
was hot ♪

- Ow!
- Fantastic.

Cam, I think you might be
hitting that wall.

No, no, no, I'm fine.
I would...

What's this clown
staring at? Hey!

No, no, no, no, no,
don't point at me.

I'll rip
your finger off

and feed it to
your red-headed girlfriend!

Okay, that is a mirror. Huh?

And I knew this sweater
made me look busty.

Okay, w-w-why is
my hand shaking?

Did somebody put something
in my drink?

Hey! Did one of
you Ritalin-addicted millennial

scooter jockeys
dose me? Huh?

What, you think you can take
this tree down, do you?

Well, guess what!
I'm a redwood!

That's right, I was
here before you were born,

and I'll be here
after you're gone!

- Okay, okay.
- Yeah!

He gets like this.
He just needs a nap.

- Nap time.
- Okay.

- Nap. Let's go.
- No, I don't want to go, though!

- I like my new friends!
- Yeah, I know.

Do you guys like me?
'Cause I like you!

- Yeah.
- I want to stay! Hey!

And I'm really sorry
about everything.

- You got to let him go.
- No, I'm sorry.

You got to let him go.
It's okay.

- Thank you.
- I'm so sorry.

- Bye-bye.
- I didn't know

- you weren't staring at me.
- Shh.

- It's okay.
- No, I don't want to go.

I nailed my monologues
for the Elizabethan Society.

Methinks you're looking
at a brand-new Lizzie.

So it is "methinks."

So, why does
Jay correct me

every time I say that?

Jay, we have company!
Do not hide in the bedroom.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Thank you for coming.

Where's the boyfriend?
He's just parking.

And, you know, we realized
something on the way over,

and it's a little awkward.

Those are my
hors d'oeuvres. I'll be back.

- Make yourself a drink.
- Okay.

Hey, hot stuff.

Are you sure
this isn't a little weird?

Well, I wasn't expecting
the couple we'd be helping out

to be my grandpa and his wife,
but...

our relationship
was gonna be out

- in the open eventually.
- Yeah.

I kind of bragged about
itto everyone I know.

Oh, you're so sweet.

My daughter.

She wants to have friends over.
I said no parties.

Hey, you relax.

Denise, your mother and
I deserve one night off.

Oh!

The lady from the club!

Either she didn't know
I was Gloria's husband

and things were about
to get very awkward,

or she did know
and she was here to follow up

on my accidental proposition.

God, I hate company!

Hey, hot stuff.

Where's your boy toy?

Oh, he's making
a phone call.

Got to say, though,

I feel kind of awkward
because, turns out,

- he's related to Gloria.
- What?

My daughter. I have
to handle this. Sorry.

Claire,
I have big news.

Oh, God. If it's what
I think it is,

I don't know
if that's a good idea.

I know.
People will say

I've taken my love
of old things too far.

- Mm-hmm.
- But I'm happy.

And not to brag, butl'm the
first Latinoto get in there.

Oh, boy. I feel sort of
responsible for this.

Um, I think it has a little
moreto do with my performance.

I distinguished myself

when I did literally
all the girl parts.

I need to go splash
some water on my face.

Wait a minute.

Have you
been doing sit-ups?

Oh, every night
for stamina.

I would not have been
able to perform without it.

I even threw in
some tongue exercises

because my "Shrew"
was taking forever.

Oh, God.

Dad, what are you hiding from?

You'll know after I tell you

what I said to that woman
from the club.

What is she doing here?

She's trying to get you
out of those clothes.

- You know?
- Yes!

We talked
about it at yoga.

It was Gloria's idea.

I just came along
to grease the wheels.

What?!
I was almost considering it

until you added
that part.

I gotta splash water
on my face.

This place is dead.
Want to bounce?

No, we don't
have to be around

a big group of people
to have fun.

Luke, no!

She has a boyfriend.

Yeah, me.

No, it's some young guy
from the club...

Oh, boy.

Gloria,
do you know

what's going on
with Manny?

Uh, do you think that
he can keep that a secret?

They have to wear
all kind of weird outfits

every time they do it.

Hey, Ma.

Luke... Luke, get your
hands off Manny's girlfriend.

- That's not my girlfriend.
- What?

Then what were we
just talking about?

The Elizabethan Society.
M-My first meeting's tonight.

I'm so confused.
It's plain as day.

This woman is here
to swing with me.

That's it. That's where
I draw the line.

How did this
happen?

I'll tell you
how this happened.

Because nobody
was willing to say

what needs to be said.

No. No. No.

And hell no.

It's how you feel about
the B-minus, Denise,

not how your mother and I
feel about it.

No, I'm not saying no
to the Amsterdam trip.

Yeah, it sounds like
a fun summer,

but how is that gonna look
on a college application?

We'll talk about it later.

Of course
I'm proud of you.

Hey, Mom.

Hey, Luke. Honey,
would you mind getting me

that salad bowl
off the top shelf?

Yep.

I know
I'm the only one,

but it is
my favorite.

Don't apologize, Mom.
You know what you like.

Never mind.
I'm good.

Sync corrections by srjanapala