Modern Family (2009–…): Season 10, Episode 17 - The Wild - full transcript

Mitch, Cam and Phil crash Jay's annual hiking trip to find an elusive bald eagle after Gloria asks them to keep an eye on him; Gloria, Alex, Claire and Haley get together to plan her baby shower.

Okay, folks, you might want
to put on some sunscreen.

Up this high,
the trees start to thin out.

Oh, this might be
a good place for a picture.

Oh, let me go behind that rock.

I'll change into my next look.

Another one?

He has to.
His Instagram follower demands it.


Oh, wait, false alarm.

It's just a plastic bag in a tree.


Nope. Sorry.

Bag fell.

Every winter,

I take a bird-watching
trip with my buddies...

specifically to see a bald eagle.

So far, no luck.

This year, my buddies bailed...
back spasm, cracked hip.

And I'm the idiot for
installing a shower chair.

I was all set to go solo,

when those three tagalongs
invited themselves.

They invaded my territory

like a bunch of bay-breasted warblers.

Darned if I didn't feel
like a bay-breasted warbler

horning in on Jay's trip,
but Gloria made us go.

She was worried about my dad

being out in the woods alone at his age,

so she... she gently
nudged us to join him.

Gloria, if my dad doesn't want us t...

Hey, Dad, uh,
whatcha doin' this weekend?

- Ah, little nature trip.
- Oh! Sounds like fun.

- Count us in!
- Yes.

Actually, I was looking
for a little alone time...

Hey! Am I the only one with
bald eagles on the brain?

You know what?
I think in about 10 minutes,

the light's gonna be perfect for my
"Afternoon Adventurer" look.

Okay, uh, before we head
deeper into the woods,

I should warn you folks that there's
been several bear sightings in the area.

- So if you happen to have any food with you...
- Got it!

I was going to say you can store
it in this bear box... here.

Oh. Um, okay.

Well, then, talk amongst yourselves.

It could take me a while

to find where my manly
heave sent that heavy...

Ah! Here it is.
Someone must've heaved it back.

Thank you!


Oh, hey, Gloria. Thanks for coming.

It's gonna be such a fun girls' night...

drinking wine, planning the nursery.

Okay, I was going to surprise you,

but I can't wait anymore.

It's a handmade mobile
of great women in history!

Eleanor Roosevelt,

Rosa Parks!


I just hope it goes with the theme
that Dylan wants for the room.

Are any of these women
important in the fields

of fire trucks or unicorns?


How perfect is this?

They delivered the crib,
and I know just the crew of handy honeys

to help me put it together.

Uh, not now, Mom.
I've had the worst day.

Me, too.

Quick, start crying.

We need to derail her
enthusiasm before she's...

Unh! Too late.

She's dancing.

Way to rock it, girlfriend!

I cannot deny it anymore.

I am turning into a white woman.

Is there a problem, girlfriends?

Spin class was canceled!


What are we gonna do with our day?

"When In Doubt...


Where's the nearest
place that serves kale

and also has a pun in its name?

There's an Underground
Kale-Road down the street!

- Let's go!
- Thank God.

I've gotten soft lately.

I think I've lost my Colombian edge.

I think we'll all feel better
if we accomplish something.

Yes. Unlike Jay.

He's been going on these
hunting trips for 20 years,

and not once has he
brought home a bald eagle!

Oh, God.

Hendrix couldn't read music,

Shaq couldn't make free throws,

and I have a little trouble
visualizing space and scale.

So, I think this closet design
gives us everything we need

in a tight, residential space.

Yeah. Very clever.

Take a walk-through.

Does the flow make sense?

Well, um...

I would get out of the shower

and throw my clothes in the hamper here,

pick out an outfit,
and then get dressed right here.

You just threw your
clothes in the fireplace

and got dressed in front
of the picture window.

Well, you have
your morning routine, Mia.

I have mine.

All right, let's get this over with.

Mom, where do we start?


Maybe Mommy just needs
some cougar juice!

What's wrong with me?

Watch your step, folks.

Some of the terrain gets a little
tricky on this part of the hike.

- Oh. Good.
- I thought I'd changed

into my "Remote Trailhead"
look too soon.

You okay, Dad?
Want to stop and take a break?

No, no. I just want to stop
and maybe see an eagle.

Everybody look.

You've been doing this for 20
years and never seen one, huh?

Correct. Shh.


Yeah. Mother Nature can be a real...

Phil, stop talking!

You're scaring the eagles!

I'm sorry. My bad. My bad.

- Also sorry in my head.
- Oh, my God!

Since we're talking again, uh,
we should start heading back.

It'll be dark soon.

Or, if you'd like,
there's a cabin just up this trail.

It's pretty run-down, but, uh,

you're welcome to spend the night.

- I'll do it.
- Oh.

Are... Are we sure that's a good idea?

Um... wasn't there...
wasn't there mention of bears?

No, you go home. I'll stay by myself.

We... We can't let him stay by himself.

We told Gloria we'd keep him safe.

Yeah, if he's staying, we're staying.

Yeah. Yeah. What...
What's the worst that could happen?

I mean, in the movies,
when city folk stay overnight

in abandoned cabins,
things usually pan out okay.

Anyway, I'm gonna run ahead,
see if they have any postcards

up at this poorly guarded
mental institution.

Damn it, I'm starving.

Nothing in here but an
old bottle of whiskey.

Well, just try not to think
about how hungry you are

or that Mitchell left
the food in the bear box.

We all left the food in the...

Did you change again?

Yeah, I just threw a few things together

to create a "Rustic Cabin" look.

Well, at least the bears
won't be a concern.

Take it from a Realtor.

This Smith & Wiley lock
is the gold standard.

All right, I think we are now ready

to put together our beautiful,
L-shaped crib.

I-I... This can't be right.
One's way bigger.

And what, my babies are supposed
to come and go as they please,

like they're in a halfway house?

Um, so, a minor
misreading of the diagram.

I think we're just gonna need to
swap a short side for a long side.

And in the meantime,
we bent that bracket.

Alex, would you mind running
down to the hardware store?

No way.

I don't trust myself to drive anymore.

I signed up to be the student liaison

for a visiting scholar on campus...

Sir Kenneth Penrose.

Yes, that Sir Kenneth Penrose.

Rock star of the microbiology world.

I know you must hear this a lot,

but you're the reason I took up snooker.

Do you still play?

I've had to lay down my cue lately.

I've been working for
months on an Ebola vaccine.

Just moments ago, I had a breakthrough.

I can't wait to get
to the lab and jot...

- Hey!
- Aah!

Whoa! That was my chemistry advisor.

I would not want to be
known as the girl who...

Sir Kenneth?

W-Where am I?

You don't know the shame.

Now they won't let me drive around

anyone smarter than a
sociology professor.

You know what else
hit the ground today? Me.

While I was bending over to
pickup a doughnut off the floor!

It was covered in dust balls,
but I didn't care,

'cause I'm a disgusting pig monster.

Oh, honey, please.

You're as...

as beautiful as ever.

Tell that to MugScan.

MugScan is a face-recognition
program we use at work.

It was really mean to me.

Good morning, Wayne.


I'm not Wayne, you jerk!


You all right, Haley?

I'm fine, Wayne.

One of my shoes flew off in the fall,

and I couldn't put it back on
because my feet were so swollen.

You know who makes a great shoe?
New Balance.

I wear them when I
power-walk to Neil Diamond.

Hey, Mom,
is this divider a little too high?

No. No, it's supposed to be that way.

That way, if one twin
wants to visit the other,

he can just go,
"Ah, doot, doot, doot. Hi!"

- Aaaah!
- Hey!

Couple thoughts.

- Pair of 7s.
- Ace high.

Everyone, I'd like you to
meet Don Lemon and RuPaul,

a pair of black queens.

Mitchell, that's the third time
you've wandered over there.

What are you doing?

- Nothing.
- He's got something in his mouth.

- Get him!
- No. No, I don't. - Come here!

- No, no, no!
- Don't... Don't fight. Don't...

He has beef jerky!

That's the last of it. I swear.

- He's lying. Check his pockets.
- No, I...

- Stop it, stop it, stop it!
- It's a family pack!

I hope the jerky was as
delicious as the irony.

- Give it!
- No, stop it! Stop it...



We're sending beef smoke signals

to a forest full of bears.

I'm sorry! I should've shared!

there is a sack full of hiking snacks

just up the road!

Brie, prosciutto,

not to mention a wonderful
maple-walnut butter

that Gloria recommended
on her Pinterest board.

That's it. I'm going out there.

Jay, wait!

If you see a bear, remember...

blind it with the flash on your phone,

then lie on your back
in a submissive pose.

I'm not doing that.
If I come face-to-face with a bear,

he better run!

It's darker out there...


Are you sure it was the best idea

to attach these before
moving them upstairs?

Yeah, I eyeballed the space.
It really should fit easily.


Except Alex apparently
has steered us into a jam.

Oh, that must be the pizza guy.
Coming, Carl!

You know the pizza guy's name?


- Hi.
- Hey, Haley.

Surprised to get an order
from you before midnight.

By the way, how'd you like that
custom shrimp and potato pizza?

I don't even know
what you're talking about.

Loved it. Love you.

Gonna go get my wallet!



Alex, run downstairs
and get a screwdriver.

This whole thing will fit easily
once we take the cribs apart.

We don't even know

if this thing is gonna fit
through the bedroom door.

Of course it will.

But if it makes you happy,
I will measure again.




You always record over my programs...


Gah! Aah!

- Oh!
- Ow!

Okay, no, how about this?

We all band together to form one big man

to go get the food.

- No!
- How's that supposed to work?

Okay, back to back, um, and...
and then link arms.

- Okay.
- Turn around, give me your arm.

See, look? Like this, all right?

- Do we look big and scary?
- Well, I think so.

Let's move towards the door.


Nice and easy.

We're just one big man
out for a walk in the woods.



We made it. Oh!

Wait! Where's Mitchell?

He didn't make it!

One of you two need to go get him!

I'm better staying here as a bear decoy.

I give off a natural musk.

Birds land on me all the time.
Squirrels eat out of my hand.

Well, I can't go!
Lily needs at least one living parent!


How do we know it's not the bear?

It's me!

You just left me!

Oh, you weren't out there that long.

You didn't get the food?!

I almost was food!

Okay, I-I wish I never even
came on this stupid trip!

Well, who forced you?


It's my delivery ankle.

It's really bad, dudes.

It was already weak from
your paintball injury, Carl.

I told you to get it checked out,

but you and doctors.

Okay, fine, I know him a little.

When it rains, it pours, huh?

- Margaret-Anne left me this morning.
- Aw!

Then my dad called me
"Craig" on the phone again.

That's the name of his new son.

Oh, God. Carl, can we
at least drive you home?

Not now.

I have 10 pizzas going to my enemies,
the Sigmas.

Those rich kids get their
kicks taking advantage

of our "30 Minutes or it's Free"

use every trick in the
book to slow me down.

Well, not tonight, Chad and Chip.

Not to... Aaaah!

The bone's got to be sticking out,

No, it's not even swollen.

Look, Carl, we've all had rough days.

Why don't you let us finish
this delivery for you?

Okay, but we've only got,
like, 10 minutes.

Let's go, then! Come here.

- Okay.
- Come on!

It'll feel good to get
something right today.

Plus, I wouldn't mind sticking
it to some preppy, white jerks.

Hey! That life comes
with its own problems!

Don't be mad, Dad.

Gloria was just worried about you.

I don't want to talk about it.

Let's just have a drink and be quiet.

Lot of colors in that fire, huh?

Red, green...

- yellow, blue...
- Geez. Okay.

What is this yammering with you?!

I don't know.

I guess I just don't like being
alone with my own thoughts.

Maybe it's because I have a
couple of grandkids on the way,

but now, if... if things get too quiet,

my mind goes to a dark place fast.

I start to worry about
the people that I love

and all the bad things
that could happen to them.

I suppose talking...
pushes those thoughts out

and helps me feel okay.

I get it.

We can all spiral.

But you can't talk your way out of it.

You got to think your way out of it.

You know, find a happy place.

Try this.

30 seconds, no talking. Go.

- Buddy, where are you?
- I'm back. Yep.

You know, I think
we can learn a lot from this guy,

because it's not the...

the bears out there
that we're afraid of.

It's the bears in our lives...

the fear that keeps us up at night.

And I think that's an interesting
topic we can return to

once I change into my
"Fireside Chat" look.

Another wardrobe change?

You're like a sultan's
bride on her wedding day.

Go ahead... make fun of me.

I like my outfits.

Why so many?

Yeah, I guess when I was a kid,

I realized I wasn't ever gonna fit in,

so I decided to stand out.

I embraced my flamboyance

to let the world know their
insults won't hurt me.

Want to make a joke about me?
Go ahead, 'cause I'm in on it.

That's really beautiful, Cam.

And you're not alone.

Growing up, we were all
insecure nerds in our own way.

I was cool.

What? I thought we were sharing.

That's very brave, Cam.
That's good stuff.

Are you crazy?!
I shouldn't be the one driving!

There is no time to argue!
Just go! Come on!

Thanks so much for making
me part of your group.

It's not every day you
make four new best friends.

Why are they going so slow?!

I can't get past them!

This is one of Sigma's tactics.

They track my location on the app

and send pledges to try to slow me down.

Ugh! What am I gonna do?!

I'll handle this.

Carl, I'm taking your paintball guns!

Move! Or I move you!

I do still have my edge!


Will you join my paintball team?

What is that?!

Field of Minions. Classic Sigmas.

Don't get distracted by the cuteness.
We only have five minutes.

Just go around them.

Oh, my God, I did it!

And you're all still in the car!

Okay, now, we can't give them
any reason to say

that we didn't fill the order perfectly,

so check the pizzas,
make sure they didn't shift.

Oh, Haley, I'm sure
you're worrying about nothing...

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Carl, do you have a pizza slicer?

Only the commemorative one
I got for 10 years of service.

Give it to me. I have a vision.

Shaq and Hendrix never got
past their blind spots.

Maybe they didn't want it enough.

Turning 9 pizzas into
10 was a simple matter

of removing one slice from each pie,

then trimming off a
V-shaped portion of pizza

from each of the remaining slices,

turning them from 36-degree
angles to 40-degree angles,

then putting together
the 40-degree angles

into nine slightly smaller pies.

After that, one had only to repurpose

the nine previously removed slices

into a 10th pie.

And... 10!

It worked!

It really did.

I do have a visual brain.

That was your thing?

I do not miss having
white-people problems.

We're here! I did it!

We only have a minute to get
the pizzas inside. Let's go!

Oh, wait, wait, wait!
Uh, the frat has a video doorbell.

If they see it's a delivery,
they try to run out the clock.

I'll handle this.

Stay on that side.


Hi. Um...

I go to U of A, and I'm super drunk.

Is there a place where I
can sober up for the night?

At least my looks can still
get me into a frat house.

Okay, guys, go, go!

10 pizzas on time.

Pay up!

You guys with Carl?

We are Carl.

Come on, hurry up! A bet's a bet!

I told you I could stand
on one leg longer than you!

You're the only one
whose balance gets better

after drinking a jug of whiskey.

All right.
My follower is gonna love this!

Everybody say "Cheese!"

- Cheese.
- Yes.

Okay, now,
that is how you build a brand.

Well, I guess we should kill
the rest of this whiskey.

But then we'll have nothing
to serve the murderers

when they arrive.

You know, you joke,

but you have a certain
paranoia about you.

What... What's behind that?


Ooh! Are we about to hear
about Mitchell's bear?

Uh, okay. It... It's, um...

I've never told anyone this, but, uh,

a fortune teller once predicted

that I would not live
to see my 46th winter.

Was that that kook that used
to live next door to us?

She's nuts.

She told your mother she was
gonna win a Tony one day.

But she was right about
a lot of other things.

She said that I'd become a lawyer.

She said that I would
marry a clown one day.

Laughed a long time about that one.


Anyway, I-I guess my "bear"

is the fear of dying young.

Uh, I mean,
if that fortune teller's right,

I only have three more years to live.

Well, y-you know what? The way I see it,

this little curse is actually a gift...

a reason to live life to the fullest.

And have no regrets.

Okay, so we're all just accepting
this 46-year thing as true?

We've made our peace with it.

And so should you.

Why not just live your limited days

with leaving nothing unsaid?

Tell the people who matter
the most how you feel.

I tell you and Lily
I love you every single day.

True. What about Phil?

He did text me with a
"Love ya" this morning.

Close enough.

And your dad?


I just have a hard time
saying that word to him.

Which is fine for the both of us.

Okay, well, it sounds like

you might be uncomfortable
with that word, too.

No! I don't have a problem with it.
I use it all the time.

I'm always saying I love things. I...

I love the feel of toasty
socks out of the microwave.

I love the far-off sound
of a train whistle.

You know, "Ooh!
What adventure have they gotten off to?"

I l... I love watching a baby stretch.

Those are all good things
in your life, Jay, but...

what's your "bear"?

I don't have one.

Oh, come on! We all told you ours.

Now, when you get to my age,

there are less things
that you're afraid of.

Except maybe...

being a burden to your family.

Which is starting already,

because Gloria forced
you guys to babysit me,

which is why I wanted
to spend the night here

so I could prove I'm not some...
frail old man.

But, if I'm being honest,

that hike gets tougher
for me every year.

And I was relieved that I
didn't have to do it alone.

Oh, Dad.

You could never be a burden.

Yeah, you're the one who's
always taking care of all of us.

We'd love the chance
to return the favor.

All right. It's getting late.

This mountain pimp
outfit's making me sweat.

Let's... Let's get some rest.

- Good night.
- Good night.

I'll take the sofa.

Sure you're gonna be okay out here?

- Yeah, I'll be fine.
- Okay.

Do... Do you want me to grab you
an extra blanket or something?

No, no. I'll get something if I need it.

Okay. Well...

Good night.

I know.

All right, Dad. We're ready to go.

Yeah, Jay.

I'm sorry you didn't see a
bald eagle this time around.

Y-Yeah. It's too bad.

I guess we'll all have to come
back here again next year.


I don't know about you guys,
but I slept great.

That cot was so soft.
I'm not always a sound sleeper.

Been meaning to try that melatonin.
I hear it's a real game-changer.

And you can get it anywhere nowadays.

Has it always been over-the-counter?

Kind of a funny phrase, isn't it...