Modern Family (2009–…): Season 10, Episode 16 - Red Alert - full transcript

(CELLPHONE DINGING)

Shh!

Do you hear that? I can't find my phone.

I think it's coming from the fruit bowl.

(DINGING CONTINUES)

Oh, no.

(DINGING CONTINUES)

I've been doing sleep magic again.

(DINGING STOPS)

You look like you haven't slept at all.

Maybe an hour or two a night.



I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING

warm shower before bed, meditation,

reading my operating
system's user agreement.

Did you try asking Alex about
the struggles that are unique

to women in science?

Late last night.
I think she's still going.

It's the worst possible timing.

I have a video shoot
for a big listing today,

and I'm supposed to be on camera.

I gotta go.

Dad, your keys.

(KEYS CLANK)

You know what? I'll drive.

Good luck with your interview.



Oh, you know what?
I decided to pass on that.

Why?

That's an amazing job,
and you were so excited.

I think I was flattered.

Like when you go to a bar
and a guy sends you a drink.

I'm at the leading scientific
university in the country.

Those guys can't even look
their robots in the eye.

I was asked to interview for
CEO of Uncle Ned's Cookies,

a major player in the
snack food industry.

The position opened up
because it turns out

Uncle Ned liked to play
fast and loose with...

his genitals at work.

Mom, you need to take that interview.

Now that they're purging male creeps
from executive positions,

strong women are finally
getting their seat at the table.

Honey, I already have
a seat at the table.

In fact, at the head of the table.

You mean when Grandpa's not there?

Tables have two heads.

I'm only bringing out
my trademark hard truths

because I don't want you to pass up

an amazing opportunity in
deference to the patriarchy.

Honey, I have a lot of amazing
opportunities at my current job.

And isn't Uncle Ned's
basically just stoner food?

We love Uncle Ned's!

I miss those.

(GROANS)

Thank you for your concern,
but I'll be fine.

Maybe I'm just projecting
my own frustrations

with the science world.

You know, there are only
three female PhDs...

Sweetheart, I'm sorry,
but I have to stay alert.

♪

Lily, sweetie, open up.
We're gonna be late for school.

LILY: I'm not going! Leave me alone!

- Another meltdown.
- She's locked herself in the bathroom.

Now don't you wish you'd let me
build that outhouse?

Still no.

Hey, hey.

W-What is going on with her?

S-She's been so moody recently,

screaming one minute, crying the next.

You know what?
I think I know what this might be.

O-Oh?

She had a volcano due
in science class today,

and when I was her age
and had a big project,

I'd get stressed out
and act just like this.

You know, I still have nightmares about
my War of Northern Aggression diorama.

Okay. What did we say
when we got married?

Never go to bed angry
and you have to call it the Civil War.

Okay, I'll go check and
see how far she's gotten.

Okay, Lily, honey, come on.
Come out, all right?

We can help you fix your volcano,

and... and you'll still
make it to school.

Worst comes to worst,

you'll be a little late
for your first period.

(WHISPERING) Actually,
she's a little early.

Hm?

So...

Lily is a menstruator now.

That's not what you call it.

Well, I'm just ashamed to admit

that we never really
prepared her for it.

Hey, we tried that one time.

- Hey, girl. Hey!
- Hey!

So, sweetie,
Daddy and I were wondering if,

now that you're wearing a training bra,

if you had any other questions
about your changing body.

Can we just not?

- Sounds good.
- Yeah, perfect.

I thought you were gonna ask Claire
to talk to Lily about this.

Well, I was, but when I tried,
Claire was in such a mood,

because, ironically...

Okay, we can't screw this up.
We cannot give her a complex.

(SIGHS) Okay,
you see if you can track down Claire.

I will go to the pharmacy

and try and conquer my fear
of the feminine care aisle.

(GROANS) Poor Lily.

You know, it could be worse.

If she were a sheep, she'd be
dealing with this every 17 days.

Promise you won't say
that while I'm gone.

All right, let's try the swaddle again.

Our blankets are folded into triangles,

we do a left tuck,

a toe tuck,

a right tuck,

and voilà, baby burrito.

Ugh! How did you do yours?!

I guess that summer
working at Burrito Basement

Dylan and I have been
taking a baby care class.

It's frustrating, because
even though he's missed some,

he's crushing it.

The class, not the practice doll.

(CLEARS THROAT) That was me.

(SIGHS) Let's move on. What else
do we have to get down for today?

- Burping.
- Great!

- A bur-bur-burp. Boom. What's next?
- Hold on, Mom.

Do you remember the four other methods
in case over-the-shoulder doesn't work?

Uh, was one scare 'em?

There's over-the-lap,

over-the-knee,

Grandmother's burp, and the bounce burp.

Ugh. Why do I suck at this?

I know it's overwhelming,
but you're gonna get there.

Don't worry.

(BURPS)

(GROANS) Stop showing off.

Oh, good. You're sitting down.

We have a problem.

I went on the company website,
and somebody left off

the brushed brass upgrade
on the Executive Premiere.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I eighty-sixed that.

I already signed off on it.

They probably just wanted
to double-check with me.

You know,
I do have 30 years' experience.

Closet Time Magazine once called me

"The Neil Armstrong of
the storage space race."

Okay, Dad, you work two days a week,

and you spent the entire
last staff meeting

doodling a pineapple.

How about this...
take the helm on the Berkshire line.

I discontinued that.

Yeah, but then Jeff cornered
me in the men's room,

and I relaunched it.

Okay, Dad, you are putting me

in an impossible position.

I make decisions, and then
you go around undermining them.

Everybody values your
opinions around here, Claire.

In fact,
I'd like your opinion right now.

Does this look like an igloo?

Uncle Ned's Cookies
wants me to be their CEO.

What?! You're considering Uncle Ned's?!

Are you on reefer?!

That company has tremendous
growth potential.

It's snacks! This is closets!

You're already at the show!

At least there, I can be the boss

and not just the boss's daughter.

Is this the part where I apologize

for handing you a company
Closet Fancy once called "top shelf"?!

No, this is the part
where I take an interview

with people who actually
recognize my value!

Damn whisper slides.

Is Lily still in the bathroom?

No, I used Larry's cat box for fun.

Ew!

Okay.

Really? She needed all of this?

It was totally overwhelming.

I just... I just grabbed
as much as I could.

I have tampons, maxi pads,
variety packs...

Oh, and this thing called a Diva Cup,

'cause, I don't know,
sounded kind of cute.

Mm.

So, what are we supposed to do?

We can't just throw these boxes
in there and wish her good luck.

- (DOORBELL RINGS)
- Oh, thank God.

Is that Claire? Did you reach her?

No, she wasn't answering,
so I... I called for backup.

Thank you for including
me in this special time.

I brought flowers because
our Lily's blossoming!

Well, we really appreciate
you helping us out.

Of course.

This is when it's good to
have a woman in the house.

Not that two men raising a daughter
is unnatural in any way.

Pretty sure no one was thinking that.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Sorry... I-I panicked
and sent a group text

because I didn't know who would respond.

Hey. I brought Lily some pamphlets.

Understanding the biology
will help make her

more comfortable with her menses.

Mensies? How is that
not a gay bar for little men?

- We should...
- We're not buying another domain name.

She doesn't need pamphlets.

She needs love and support.

It's a beautiful rite of passage

that is going to connect her
with women everywhere.

Let's not get poetic.
It hurts like hell.

And that's why I brought
all the ingredients

to make her a traditional
Colombian period poultice,

and she can rub it on her belly
when she gets cramps.

Or she could just take some ibuprofen.

Oh, but is that going to
draw out all of her sins?

'Cause that's why women get
their period in the first place.

Okay, very helpful.
Two equally worthy paths.

Yeah, gotta say I'm leaning
toward the pamphlet.

Hey, how's Lily?

Oh, great... more voices.

Where is she?

- She's still locked in the bathroom.
- Damn it!

I have two fetuses
kicking me in the bladder,

and I really have to pee!

Okay, well,
Larry's litter box is on the porch.

She's pregnant!
You can't ask her to go outside

- and squat ov...
- Be right back!

Gross!

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- You're not better than us, you know.

(CAR DOORS CLOSE)

Why do you think you're not sleeping?

I don't know.

I guess I got a lot on my mind.

Bills, my one numb toe,

is Haley gonna be a terrible mom,

global warming...

Back up, back up, back up.

Which toe is numb?

Left foot. The one that goes to market.

And why are you worried about Haley?

At her baby class,
she did not seem ready.

I'm kind of glad Dylan
had to work today.

I'm excited to see what you've learned.

Okay, everybody.
Quick review before we start.

At what age can you first
give babies solid food?

- TOGETHER: Six months.
- Two years!

And when you put baby down to sleep,
you place him on his...

- TOGETHER: Back.
- Mattress.

And the fontanelle is...

- TOGETHER: Soft spot.
- A hotel in Miami?

(BRITISH ACCENT) Phil.
You ready to sell a house?

Yes. Yes. Let's do this.

Uh, Desmond, this is my director, Luke.

I'm your son.

Aww. You always will be.

Ohh!

- Dad.
- Desmond is the brains

behind the best high-end
real-estate walkthrough videos.

He's helped move more houses than, um...

than, uh...

What's the... What's the crack
that... causes all the earthquakes?

The San Andreas fault.

(LAUGHS)

That's funny.

So, to recap our discussion,

we'll start with the camera
coming down the walk.

You open the door, say
"Welcome to 15683 Canyon Ridge Drive,

a six-bedroom, seven-bathroom,
8,600 square-foot home

in the prestigious 90212 ZIP code."

- Ah.
- You got it?

15683, 15683...

I got it.

DESMOND: Good. Let's try one.

Here we go.

Ready, and...

action.

15683.

- Cut.
- Moving on?

N-No.

No, that wasn't right at all.

Um... pretty sure it was.

Phil.

You've got to do the whole thing.

Oh.

Oh, yes. Yeah, of course.

Yeah.

All right.

Back to one.

Ready, and...

action.

(SNORING)

Thank you.

Claire! Thanks for coming in.

I'm Ben. This is my brother, Evan.

Hi.

Our dad's Uncle Ned.

But we just call him Dad. (CHUCKLES)

We are so happy you're here.

Well, thank you so much for having me.

And can I say...
it smells amazing in here!

It's the cookies.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

We are so very impressed

with what your closet company
has done, fiscally speaking.

Well, to be fair, my dad
is the one who built the business.

We can relate to that.

But we mean since you joined.

Many people are saying that's
when it really took off.

It is so nice to be recognized.

I... I see tremendous growth
potential in this company.

We think so.

That is, with the right captain
steering the ship,

fiscally speaking.

Which is why we're prepared
to offer you a big salary,

stock stuff...

And all the cookies you can eat.

I didn't expect this
to be going so fast.

- Um...
- Well, we're kind of on a clock.

You see, the IRS has called
some of our bookkeeping...

"flagrantly illegal."

How could that happen?

We were hoping you could tell us.

We don't know anything about business.

- Fiscally speaking?
- Yeah.

- Mm.
- Exactly.

That was kind of our dad's thing.

Also, making them, selling them,
all that other stuff.

Just to be clear,
what are your roles here?

We used to taste the cookies,

but now we're chairmen of the board.

I see.

As such, we are legally bound to mention
a little situation we have with the FDA.

Thanks to Evan,

we keep failing something called
the "hairs-per-million test."

And due to the videotaped
evidence against our father,

we need a highly qualified
woman such as yourself

to testify in front of Congress.

Hmm.

Uh... guys, this is a lot to take in.

Well, I think we know what that means.

Yeah.

Welcome to Uncle Ned's.

Whether you're a bachelor,
a couple, or a flamily...

(LAUGHING) "Flamily"...
I just said "flamily."

Wait, is it "flamily"?

DESMOND: All right.

Let's just take it from,

"This is modern California
living at its finest."

And action.

(BRITISH ACCENT) This is modern
California living at its finest.

Stop! You're doing
the British accent again.

I'm not hearing it!

And action.

(NORMAL VOICE) You'll
have state-of-the-art...

(VOICE BREAKING) appliances...

I'm sorry. I got this.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(SOBBING)

Imagine life from this perspective.

That thing is gonna hit me!

And best of all,
the entire house is fully automated.

You can turn on the gorgeous
fountains right from your phone.

(CELLPHONE BEEPS)

Shoot. They're not working.

Hey, I can feel my toe!

And this one is about
hormonal fluctuations

that can cause radical mood swings.

One minute, you're totally fine,
and then the next,

- you're just...
- LILY: Go home, nerd!

...lashing out when someone
is trying to help you.

Okay, well, thank you for helping,

and don't take it personally.

At least now we know why
she called my signature cuffs

tackier than the Debbie Reynolds museum.

Y-Yes, that was definitely
the hormones talking.

Look, everyone's taking this
whole thing way too seriously.

When my daughter has
her first Shark Week,

we're just gonna laugh about it.

That's what girls want.

I mean, it is bananas
what happens down there every month.

Only good thing is,
it reminds me to pay my bills.

Oh, that's why my credit
card keeps getting denied.

Hey, if there's somewhere
you need to be...

- Just watch this.
- Mm.

Hey, bitch.

LILY: Haley's here?!

That's right. And cheer up.

You're missing the whole
silver lining in all of this.

A period is a Get Out Of Jail Free card
for everything.

Didn't study for a test?

"Oh, wah. I have cramps."

Don't want to go to gym class?

"Sorry... lady problems."

Wanna eat a whole sheet cake?
Shut down a bad date?

Smuggle some weed into a
concert in your tampon box?

Ain't nobody looking in there.

What is wrong with you?!

That's the advice you want
to give your daughter?!

I know! I'm a disaster!

How am I going to be a mother?
I can't even make a swaddle!

I'm gonna raise a couple losers,
just like me!

It's not your fault, you sweet dummies!

Lily!

LILY: Oh, my God. You too?

I made you a Colombian poultice.

Is that what stinks?
It's making me sick!

We're gonna rub it all over your belly,

and it's gonna make you feel better.

It's also not terrible
on toast with a fried egg.

- (GAGS)
- How many people are out there?!

Just a few supportive women.

Hello, sisters.

I must've texted the wrong thread.

Allow me to talk to the Earth Goddess.

- U-Um...
- (CLEARS THROAT)

Lily? Step-Uncle Manny's here.

Cherish this.

You've been given
the ability to create life.

Each cramp, each migraine
should remind you...

LILY: Get the (BLEEP) out of here,
Manny!

Take care, everybody.

- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.

JAY: Claire, get in here.

How'd the interview go?

Amazing.

First of all,
that place smells delicious.

They made me an offer on the spot.

CEO, travel...

hobnobbing with Congressmen.

Well, I'm not surprised.

You're a terrific candidate.

I turned them down.

Why?

Well, first of all,
because I made a commitment

to everyone here and to you.

And it just...
didn't feel right to leave.

That makes what I'm
about to say awkward.

I'm quitting.

Oh, wha... You're that mad at me?

No, I listened to what you said,

and you're never truly
gonna be in charge

until I get out of your way.

You didn't have to do that for me.

I didn't do it just for you.

Every good closet man
knows when to hang it up.

And I... I think
I'm ready for a new challenge.

Oh, Dad, not window tinting.

It's like printing money,
but no, it's not for me.

Here's what I'm excited about.

Let me show you. Mm.

What am I looking at?

The future.

Fun dog beds.

Oh, my God. This is
the pineapple you were doodling.

Yes! I designed it myself!

Cool. Cool.

So, the pharmacy tracks how all
of your medications interact, right?

(CHUCKLES) Claire, every year,

people in this country spend
$70 billion on their pets.

People or just you?

I got a manufacturer lined up.

I'll sell them online,
keep the overhead low,

go to a bunch of dog shows... super fun.

And if I don't lose all
the money that I made

selling my share of this place,

I'm happy.

Wow.

It's kind of the end of an era, huh?

Are you sure you want to do this?

I'd have quit years ago
if you weren't here.

It's gonna be weird
coming to work without you.

Well, if you miss me too much,

there'll always be a position
for you at Dog Beds by Stella.

Thank you, but I think maybe it is time
I prove myself on my own.

You sure? 'Cause this could be huge.

I got a million dog-bed ideas.

I got a hot-dog bun,
I got a space capsule,

I got an igloo.

What about one shaped like a dog bone?

You'll get there.

(CHUCKLES)

Hey, how's Lily doing?

Well, I certainly didn't help.
I only made it worse.

(GROANS) What am I gonna
do when our kids need me?

You're overthinking it.

The minute you see a sweet
little face that needs you,

your instincts will kick in,
and you'll know what to do.

- (DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
- That's what everybody keeps saying,

but what if it's not true?

Hey, Mr. D.

- Hey.
- Are you okay?

I haven't slept for days,

and I screwed up at work today.

Oh, I'm sure it's not
as bad as you think.

Well, the cameraman called it
"Disaster-piece Theatre,"

and everybody was like,
"Good one, Craig."

And you know what? It was.
It was a good one, Craig.

Hey, it's okay.

I had to rehire the crew

to shoot the whole thing again tomorrow.

I'm way over budget.

I'm probably gonna lose the listing...

Shh.

You're just overtired.

Why don't you close your eyes?

Dylan, make some white noise.

I am going to try something.

Oh. That's nice.

(DYLAN EXHALING SOFTLY)

Honey.

You're getting really good at this.

You think so?

I do.

Thanks.

All right. You just rest now.

Everything's gonna be okay.

Yeah. It is.

(STRAINED) Can I stop now?
I'm gonna pass out.

(EXHALING SOFTLY)

We could just pick the lock
and get her out of there.

And then what?
She doesn't want to talk to us.

She never wants to talk to us.
That hasn't stopped us before.

We're only letting it now
because we're uncomfortable, right?

Obviously, you're right.

Why else would I be
devouring Gloria's poultice?

You know what?

Come on. We're her dads.

We'll figure something out.

Hey, honey?

Everyone's gone.

And we're sorry we embarrassed you.

We should've never included
all those people into...

this situation.

And just because we're
boys doesn't mean we...

we can't talk you through your first...

"sloughing off of your
endometrial tissue."

Yeah, "which typically
lasts between two and...

- seven days"?
- (WHISPERING) Seven?

- Oh, my God.
- (WHISPERING) That's crazy.

(NORMAL VOICE) Look, Lily,
your whole life, it's been...

it's been the three of us
figuring out stuff together.

(NORMAL VOICE) Yeah, don't you
remember in the... in the second grade,

when you came home crying
because Julie Kwan made fun

of your Ricky Martin
"She Bangs" lunch box?

You didn't want to talk
about that, but then,

when you finally did, you felt better.

Yeah, you... you don't have
to figure this out alone.

Yeah, we may not have gone
through the exact same thing,

but, you know, in the seventh grade,

our bodies started changing, too.

Sixth for me.

(SOFTLY) It's not a competition.

(NORMAL VOICE) And those changes...

they were confusing.

Yeah, they were con...
confusing and scary

and also, um...

exciting because, um...

you're growing up... Lily.

And we're your parents, okay?

We are gonna make mistakes,

and we are not gonna
have all the answers,

but when you do want to talk about it,

we're... we're here for you.

Yeah.

We love you.

(LOCK CLICKS)

(WHISPERING) Uh-oh.
Here comes The Great Snoozedini.

You see before you three ordinary cups.

Cups you'd find in any kitchen.

Nothing magical about them.

Here, we have one new potato.

Keep your eye on the
cup with the potato.

Anybody here from out of town?

I feel bad. Should we wake him up?

Not until we find out
where the potato is.

It's under that one, right?

Is the potato here?

Is the potato here?

Ohh.

This trick's a real...

lemon.

(LAUGHS)

Good night, everyone.

(GASPS)

Amazing!

(CHUCKLES)

(SNORING)