Modern Family (2009–…): Season 10, Episode 13 - Whanex? - full transcript

Cam must contend with a bully at the school; Jay has technical trouble during a video conference; the local mall holds a photo shoot for its new ad campaign, and Gloria tricks Phil and Joe into participating.

Welcome. Most of you know me as
Acting Vice Principal Tucker,

but today...
I am your guide to the future...

[quieter] the future... the future.

Okay, so you didn't take
my note on the echo.

Mitchell, I can't take another
negative voice in my head.

I'm already freaking out
about Principal Brown.

I kind of have a bully at school.

You gonna eat all that?

I-I guess not.


Saw your plans for the seminar tomorrow.

Oh, you like it?
Y-You know, I think the kids

will really benefit from
hearing from four graduates

that have taken such different paths.

I've got traditional college,
gap year...

We're pushing one path here... college.

Well, yeah,
but college isn't necessarily

the right path for every...

Tucker, are you familiar
with the term "Golden Apple"?

I am. I'm a little surprised

it's made its way into
the straight vernacular.

It's still illegal in Alabama.

No, no, no, Golden Apple status
is awarded to schools

that reach a minimum of
60% college acceptance.

If we dip below that,
I'm back to teaching night school.

If you think the lunch ladies are mean,

you should meet the dinner ladies.

but what about the students that...

Play ball, Acting Vice Principal Tucker,
and you might just find yourself...

Vice principal?

Mm-hmm. [Muffled laugh]

I just don't know if
I can preach something

that I don't believe.

- Ha! Play ball.
- Seems like a thing

no one was saying, and now everyone is.

You know what I'm doing right now?

I'm making 100 cupcakes

because the D.A. lost his
caterer for his kid's party

and asked if I could help out.

But if it puts me, uh,
higher up on his radar,

then so be it.

I'm just saying sometimes
you need to compromise

to... to get ahead.

Maybe it's our time now.

Ooh, I like that.

Hey, world, there's a new
power couple on the horizon.


Cam and Mitch.

Citch... No, that sounds weird.


We'll find it.

Hey, Dad,
our video conference is about to start.

Can we make it fast?
I have that sales meeting offsite.

Hence the power threads
and box of cigars.

Whoa! Dad, it's 10:00 in the morning.

- Mm.
- Ohh!

I don't swallow it.

He smells it on my breath,
he lets his guard down.

In 20 minutes, I'm taking him

in a way that would make
a prison guard blush.

- [Sighs]
- It's the way gentlemen do business.

Well, I am sorry to ruin your Glengarry,
Glenlivet fun,

but that meeting got canceled.

What? I was looking forward to it.

Nick took care of it
by Skype this morning.

Log on. Our meeting's about to start.

- [Tone beeps]
- Okay, let's begin.

So, Nick, where are we

with the interactive closet
with the voice prompts?

Here's a demo.

Went with a Christopher
Walken soundalike voice.

[As Christopher Walken]
Forecast is... chilly.

Put... on some pants.

I think we all fell in love
with the idea of calling it

a Walken closet,
but this just isn't working.

Hey, Claire, I don't see your
dad on the video conference.

Damn it!

My computer's busted again.

Or your caps lock is on. [Sighs]

Can't we have this meeting
in the conference room?

You know,
where we all sit around a table,

there's a nice breakfast spread?

I am tired of having to keep
cream cheese in my desk.

Dad, you know why we do it this way.

We have people working here.

We've got people working from home.

We've got people working
all over the world.

Tiffany is in Berlin at KlausetSchvarg.

They still have that conference?

I thought they shut that down
in the '80s

after we used that sweater hutch
to smuggle that dissident out

during East KlausetSchvarg.

You're good. Just talk into the camera.

[Footsteps departing]

Hoo! Sorry about that. [Laughs]

Nick: All right.
How about an update on our 3-D printing?

I think everybody knows Eduardo.

Jay, have you two met?

Jay: I can't see the camera!

Dad, you're, uh...

you're kind of smushed up against it.

You might want to just
step back a skosh. [Chuckles]

Using a 3-D printer to
manufacture our closets

will triple revenue.

I can't hear you!

[Clears throat]

Volume up, Dad.

In our first year alone...

What the hell?!

Dad, "undo." Just...

I know! I know!


♪ Happy birrrthday ♪

♪ Mr. Closet... ♪

No! No!

Have your stupid meeting!
I'm outta here!

I'm going to the park across the street.

- I need a walk!
- [Laughter]


Thank you so much for
helping out with Joe.

You don't think it's too flashy?

What are you talking about?
You're taking a magic class.

You want to show them you're serious.

It's abracadabra, not abraca-drab-ra.


[Gasps] Look at that!
An open casting call.

Excuse me, what is this for?

We are looking for real
families to be the new faces

of the Glen Valley Mall.

You guys are adorable. Want to sign up?

Oh, we're not a-a real...

Oh, we would love to!

What a cool and a
spontaneous thing to do!

I saw that poster last week.

It kind of reminded
me of a long time ago

when I used to do a little modeling.

I guess I miss it.

I tricked Phil into going to the mall

because I knew that Jay
wouldn't do it with me.

Oh, come on, guys.
This is gonna be so much fun.

I don't know. This kid in my class
did a cough syrup commercial.

Now he's always going
to the teachers' lounge

to call his manager.

He's the worst.

And I teach a real-estate class at 5:00.

I have to show up early to limber up.


I think that this could help
a lot with Joe's self-esteem.

He's had a rough week.

You know how they treat
kids that are into magic.

Oh, you tell him when he gets to
high school, that all changes.

I don't like lying to him.

Look, this isn't really my thing,
and I'm...

I'm feeling a little under the weather.

Don't... Don't I look a little pale?

- We will do it!
- Great.

Our P.A. will set you up with
wardrobe for some test shots.

Hey, team. Can I get you anything?

Uh, coffee? Water? Still or sparkling?

Ooh, I-I'd take a sparkling.

Talent wants sparkling.

[Gasps] Did you hear that, Phil?

- They call us talent!
- [Laughs]

Let's not get carried away.
We're still reg...

I said sparkling.

[Indistinct conversations]

Well, looks like you're gonna get
a pretty solid turnout, Tucker.

Now close the deal.

Hey, what is, uh, "whanex"?

It's the way the kids say "What's next?"

You know, if you want to reach them,

you have to learn to
speak their language.

Massive screw-up at the print shop.

I-I have no idea how it happened!

Yeah, that's right.
The banner should read...

[muffled] whanex. Okay.

Yeah, whanex. Uh-huh.

Welcome, students,
to the first annual "whanex" seminar.

Let's, uh, just jump right
into it and meet our panelists.

We have two bright,
young people who chose the college path

and two wayward souls

whose mistakes we can
only hope to learn from.

'Sup, Dolphins?

[Scattered applause]

Nick, I'm so sorry
about my dad this morning.

- Hi.
- Please forget it.

- We've got a bigger problem.
- Hmm?

We have to find a new voice for
the virtual closet assistant.

We're thinking... female.

Yeah, I was wondering about that myself.

Mia: Hold on a second.

Claire has a great voice...
commanding but alluring.

Oh, come on. I don't know about...

[Sultry voice] ...alluring.

You're right.

You're right. I can totally hear it.

[Normal voice] Guys, guys...

[Sultry voice]'re embarrassing me.

Where have you been hiding this?

Within half an hour,
I had recorded all the voice prompts

for the new smart-closet,
and they installed it

in the prototype right in the office.

Everyone seemed really happy,
but I don't get it.

I mean...

[Sultry voice]
...a voice is just a voice.

Oh, good. Dad, you're back.

Please step into our new
smart-closet prototype.

So you can yell at me for bailing
on the meeting this morning?

Just... You'll see.


Virtual Claire:
May I help choose an outfit for you?

'Cause I'm some old fossil

that still puts on a suit to go to work?

Let's start over.

Why don't we?!

What level of comfort
are you looking for?

Same thing I've had for
the last 40 years...

a workplace where you
interact with actual people

every once in a while,
like we're doing right now.

I used to love sales calls.

Now we don't even do them anymore.

I mean, put yourself in my shoes.

Dress or casual?

Why do you sound like Lauren Bacall?!

[Laughing] I don't understand.

Right, because now, like everything,
my references are old and out of step.

Why are you yelling?

If you don't get it by now,
you're never gonna get it!

Well, somebody's panties are in a bunch.

May I offer you a different pair?

That's just weird.


Ooh! Very good.

- [Click, whirring stops]
- Mitchell: I had an hour to make 100 cupcakes...

- [Cellphone chimes]
- ...for my boss's son's party,

but it was all gonna be worth it.

He was gonna be so grateful,
the next big promotion would be mine.

You ungrateful monster!

Two sisters, two paths.



The world on a string...

a baby and no ring.

Uh, you...
you said you were happy for me.

You said a baby would
bring me limitless joy.

And a limited bank account.

Now, Manny, no one can doubt the
real-world value of an art degree,

but talk a little bit about
the exciting social scene.

It's funny you ask...
I went to a wine and cheese mixer

at the Dean's house the other night.

He collects instruments
of indigenous people.

And by the time we killed the
last bit of a chewy Zinfandel,

our jam sesh started to
sound like a didgeri-don't.


Thank you.

Could I please pipe in here?

Yes, please. Alex.

I genuinely appreciate the
opportunity to come back here,

where I had the pleasure of
serving as co-valedictorian,

to offer a message of hope

to those oft-marginalized
overachievers out there.

I... see... you.

Well, I can't be the only
one with goose bumps in here.

- [Cellphone ringing]
- Oh. Excuse me. Oh.

- [Ringing stops]
- Yes, let's open it up for questions.

Right here in the front row. Go ahead.

I still don't get "whanex."

It sounds like my grandparents'
long-distance carrier in Oregon.

[Cellphone ringing]

Okay, okay. You know what?
I have to take this.

Uh, Luke, Haley, talk a little bit

about how you still live
at home with your parents.

- [Cellphone beeps]
- Hey, what's up?

I'm in the middle of my thing.

- [Clank]
- Flip what I said before.

Start talking up the dummies.


Um, I just got a text from work.

My boss gave that big
case to someone else!

Meanwhile, I'm still on the
hook for these stupid cupcakes!

[Exhales sharply]

M-My heart is racing, my...
my hands are numb.

Plus, I-I think I have a
case of airborne diabetes!

Wait. Are you saying I-I should...

Look, if those college
application numbers fall,

Principal Brown, he gets fired.

Guess who's up next. Principal Tucker.


I've never dared dream of such a thing.

More money,

better parking space,

plus you get to pick the prom theme.

I can finally make my
Enchanted Bayou a reality.

Okay, t-talk... talk soon.

- [Cellphone beeps]
- Manny: What's great about art school

is that a lot of the faculty
work in the industry.

My film studies professor has
led tours at every major studio.

All right, thank you, Manny.

And for those of you still awake,

I think what we've learned
here today is... college,

a dead end.

[Audience murmuring]

[Camera shutter clicking]

Okay, up next.

Philip, Gloria, and Joe.

Same setup.

Dad playing catch with his son.
Mom laying out a picnic.

So, just real natural.
Like I'm not even here.

You got it.

Maybe not so sexy.

My bad.

Nancy: He was talking to Mom.

You can just lay out the
food in a normal way.

Copy that. No divas here.

Her head is doing something weird.

Can we straighten that up?

Hang on, guys.


- [Whispering]
- Why are they whispering?

You think I look too young for you?

Why? Are my crow's feet showing?

I knew makeup was going
too light on the concealer.

Guys, we're just mixing
and matching today,

so we're thinking about
swapping out one of you.

No, we're a team.

You get rid of one of us,
and you lose all of us.

It's the kid.


I thought this was
supposed to be for Joe.

Obviously, he's terrible at it,

so how is that gonna help
him with his self-esteem?

Hi, I'm Tyler.

- [Both whispering]
- Gloria: Oh, this is not good.

Tyler, don't get too comfortable.

I think we want to try
something different.

- Hey, Sean, could you step up here?
- Sean: Yep.

I'm so sorry, Phil.

No, we want to look at two dads.

[Laughing] I can't play the kid.

Looks like you're out. Here we go.

- Sean, was it?
- Yeah. Hey.

- How are you?
- Good.

Hmm. Not feeling that chemistry.

Maybe we should kiss?

We could just wait for
them to tell us what to do.

Let's try Sean and a mom.

Gloria: Move, Phil.

Nancy: No, we meant Lydia.

All right, almost there.

Hey, Joe, hop up here for me.

Yes! That's our family.

The new faces of Glen Valley Mall.

Everyone else can go. Thank you.

Nice working with you guys.

I have an audition across town.

For what?

Do they need grownups?

All right. We heard
from our college-going sheep.

Now, Luke, you wisely took a gap year,

got a job, made mad stacks,
and invested a little, correct?


I own 300 microrubels,

a Russian cryptocurrency
I heard about on Facebook,

which currently, you can only use

to buy a Chechen party
drug called Frankenstein.

Okay, Haley, uh...

hot boyfriend, job, baby on the way...

You seem to have it all,
yet you took a very different path

than your older sister, Alex.

I'm younger!

Oh, wow. Okay.

I guess that's why they call studying
"the new smoking."

- [Laughs]
- No one says that.

Can I add...

I'm sure you can,
but it won't help in the real world.

Anyway, thank you all for coming.

Have a good afternoon. Thank you.

Cam, what the hell?

I learned a lot.


I wasn't picking up a lot of Uber fares,
so I came back here early

and I heard the end of
your little presentation.

I know what you're trying to do.

Hey, I just need to talk to him for...
for one second.

Hey, hey. Guess what.

I just dropped off the
cupcakes at my boss's house.

Turns out he...
he didn't give me the case I wanted

because he had an even
better one for me.

Really? T-That's amazing.

And he didn't want me to make cupcakes.

He just wanted me to
recommend a new caterer.

[Laughing] So we had a
big laugh about that.

But just goes to show,

don't play games.

Do your job, and you'll be recognized.

- Yeah, but you said...
- No, ah! Forget what I said.

T-There's no one path to success.

I mean, that's what you
should be telling these kids.

Yeah, that's what I was
going to tell these kids...

Damn it, Tucker! I can't hold
my alpha power stance this long.

My calves are starting to cramp.

- Okay, well, first of all...
- No, can it! Okay?

You thought you could bury me
by killing college applications,

didn't you? Hmm?

I will clean out my half
of the desk that I share.

Oh, no, it's... I'm so sorry.
T-This is... This is my fault.

I tried to play ball at work.

There was a lot of unnecessary baking.


The point is,
I-I put these ideas into his head, so...


So you're so weak and without conviction

that somebody suggests
some stupid idea to you

and without even thinking,
you just abandon all your values

and fold like a cheap Chinese fan, huh?

Yes, sir. I am a worm.

That is exactly what I'm looking for.

No threat to me at all. [Chuckles]

Well, congratulations,
permanent Vice Principal Tucker.

- Really?
- Yes.

Thank you! I love you!

I love you, too.

Now, first order of business...
fix what you did here.

You are gonna give me a Golden Apple.

Hey, hey!
We are in a committed relationship!

No, no, no. It's not the same thing
we saw at Pepper's bachelor party.

- It's not?
- No.

After fighting with everybody all day,

I was starting to think maybe...
I was the jerk.

So I ended up back at the old office,
you know,

trying to figure out what it
was about going to work there

that I loved so much.

Jay: Congratulations.

You've been hired at Pritchett's
Closets, Blinds, and Waterbeds.

I'm Jay Pritchett.

Welcome to the team.

- [Cheers and applause]
- You hear that?

They're cheering for you already.

That's something we value here...

And whether you're in sales or shipping

or one of those cute
tomatoes in the steno pool,

you're important,

'cause we're family here.

Wait a minute! Who's this new employee?

It's me... Claire, Daddy.

Oh, right! It's Claire!


Nice hands.

Reminds me why our softball
team never won a game.

Look who they let out
of the fancy corporate office.

Hey, that wife of yours get
smart and leave you yet?

Eh, actually, she did. It's been rough.

- Oh. I'm so sorry.
- I... We didn't know.

Ah, you mutts, I'm screwing with you!

Where's she going?


Claire: I knew my dad was
going through something,

and when I saw his
car at the old office,

I-I stopped by to check on him. [Sighs]

Are you feeling shy, Claire?


yeah, I guess I am a little.

- Um...
- How old are you?

You're right. Just come out and say it.


I'm worried that you're
unhappy we sold the company

and you're blaming it on me.

You're making that face
like you have to go potty.

[Exhales sharply] I'm anxious and...

How can you even see my face?

She's my daughter.

She thinks she runs the place.

[Chuckles softly]


[Laughter in distance]

[Laughter continues]

Tim: You said he wouldn't do it.

Jay: You're damn right, I did it.

Boss is still the best, huh?


My dad was homesick.

That is one photogenic butt, Jay.

Take it with you.
You can kiss it at home, too.


- Hey, guys. Hi.
- Hey!

- Hi, Dad.
- Hey, what are you doing here?

I, uh, saw your car.

Look... [sighs]

I know you've been
frustrated at work lately.

Don't worry about that.

You're doing great, though, huh?

Yeah, I kind of love it.

But it doesn't feel
right if you hate it.

Dad, we can bail on the whole thing.

You know what I need to bail on?

Being such a little peach.

- Hmm?
- What?

They bruise easily.
It could be an expression. I don't know.

The point is, when I was here,
I reached out more.

I made videos greeting people.

I built real relationships.

Those three guys...
I knew two of their names.

I think maybe I need to try to
be a little bit more like you

and give this new thing a chance.

You know, they're not so
bad when you get past the...

the hipster beards and
the sweaty handshakes.

Tell me about that printer guy, Eduardo.

What the hell is 3-D printing anyway?

Look at you trying.

Oh, Dad!

Okay, 3-D printing is
when you take three lasers

and you can scan any object you want.


You want to 3-D print your butt,
don't you?

We want them to like me, don't we?

[Sighing] Ohh...

Okay, baby, have fun at your play date.

- I'll pick you up in two hours.
- [Seatbelt clicks]

Can you believe I'm a model now?

Crazy world.

See you, buddy.

- Bye, baby.
- Bye, Mom!

[Car door closes]

Gosh, I'm so happy for that kid.

[Chuckling] Yeah, we keep saying that.

I feel, uh, silly I got so invested

in modeling for some mall
poster no one's ever gonna see.

You want to feel better?

I'll show you something
that is gonna make me

look more pathetic than you do.

I think I said "silly," but, um...

yeah, okay.

That was me 20 years ago.

[Laughs] That's amazing.

But what are you so upset about?

You're just as beautiful
now as you were then.

Aww. I know.

It's just that it was a time in my life

where I was out there hustling,

modeling, driving a taxi,

selling bacon-wrapped hot
dogs outside a nightclub.


Seeing them taking it
down made me feel like

that version of me is gone forever.

So that's why you wanted
to start modeling again.

I just miss being passionate
about something again.

The way that you feel
passionate about real estate.

- Mm.
- You always seem, like, so alive,

making new deals, meeting new people.

Have you ever thought
about becoming a Realtor?

- Who hasn't?
- That's true.

I bought a book one time
to learn how to do it,

but you know how it is.

Sometimes in life, you just get stuck.

I think you'd be great at it. Really.

I'd buy anything from you.

I'm thinking about getting
my chompers bleached,

and there's only half of you up there.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Gloria: It can be scary to
ask yourself what's next.

All the doubts start to creep in.

Are people going to like me?

Ooh, still hot.

Thank you!

I throw a tractor tire
around the backyard

a couple days a week.

Can I handle the challenge?


You can ask these questions forever,

or you can just take the first step.

Here is your five-point
checklist for any open house.

Number one...

[Velcro rips]

Sorry, professor.

Phil, honey. What are you doing here?

Hey. I thought I'd surprise
you and take you out to dinner.

- Ooh!
- [Chuckles]

Spontaneous. You know I like that.

Well, um, let me just make sure
everybody's gone.

I'll grab my bag and lock up.


Virtual Claire:
May I help you with your clothes?


I guess we are the only ones here.

Perhaps we'll start with the pants.


[Belt rustles]

Normally, you like a little...

- [Zipper opens]
- ...slow shirt unbuttoning,

but I guess we...
are cutting to the chase.

Claire: [scoffs]

Dad, are you still looking for
a place to leave that butt?

It's so gross.

There's nothing better
for office camaraderie

than a practical joke.

It lifts people's spirits.


Well played.