Modern Family (2009–…): Season 10, Episode 1 - I Love a Parade - full transcript

(DOG PANTING)

Oh, no. Has it been
a year already?

♪ You're a grand old
flag You're a high flying-flag

♪ And forever in
peace May you wave! ♪

We love the Fourth of July!

It's the perfect holiday.

You get to cook outside,
blow stuff up, wear shorts.

Easter should be taking notes.

BOTH: ♪ Keep your eyes
On the ground, old flag! ♪

That was longer than I remember.

(CELL PHONE BUZZING)



Hello?

Joe, you should be thankful
that you live in this country.

I spent half of my childhood
in a Banana Republic.

It was the only store in my
village that had air conditioner.

Yes, Mr. President!

Yes, sir, I'd be honored
to, sir! Thank you.

Amazing news.

The grand marshal for
today's parade just got me-too'd,

and they need me to fill in.

(GASPS) Jay, I'm
so happy for you!

So, now, the only thing
left in your bucket list

is to bare-knuckle
fight a Russian!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh! And Manny's
gonna be back home



from his big road trip,
just in time for the parade.

He's been gone so long.
I can't wait to see him.

That's great! We'll have the
whole family back together,

with me to ride in the
convertible LeBaron.

Joe, how's your parade wave?

We'll work on it.

♪ Every heart beats true

BOTH: ♪ Under
red, white and blue! ♪

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(UTENSILS CLATTERING)

More!

Yeah, I've got time to help you.

Oh, look at your cousin being
so sweet and helping out a friend.

Ugh! Such a weak little
coward. Are we done yet?

No, it's a really big bridge.

Or maybe you're
just a really tiny man.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Things were going great
on my cross-country drive

until I fell behind schedule

after I developed
a perfectly rational,

fact-based fear of
driving over bridges.

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

I called Cam for support
since he taught driver's ed,

but he wasn't around.

What?

Turns out, a strong verbal
lashing was exactly what I needed

to get me across that bridge

and the many others that
cover this country like a cancer.

Okay, Cal, let's
say hi to Mommy.

Say, "Hi, Mommy." Whoa, whoa!

If I'm in that shot, back
up and turn the lights down.

We had Chinese food last
night. I look like a blowfish.

You know what,
Mitchell? It's not about you.

I promised we would
send a video of Cal

to my sister for her birthday.

And that was a week ago,
so we've got to get it done.

We have been watching

my big-for-his-age nephew, Cal,

while my sister, Pameron,

is back in Missouri,
paying off a little debt.

To society. She's in prison.

For a tiny parole violation.

She tried something
on in a store

and accidentally walked out.

It was another woman's purse.

The silver lining is,

Cal is benefiting from
our parenting experience.

Mitchell is molding
young Cal's brain,

while I handle the
young boy's body.

It's a miracle
we're not in prison.

Yeah.

Okay, let's sing the
alphabet for Mommy.

Come on, you and
I worked on this.

♪ A, B... ♪
♪ Six! ♪

I think I've put so much
information in there,

it's getting jumbled
up on the way out.

Let's do some of your stuff.
Throw him a ball or something.

Oh! Okay, yeah,
that's a great idea.

Okay, on the
count of three, Cal.

Are you ready? One, two, three.

Oh. Okay.

All right, um, well, hugs.
Hey, how about a hug?

Aw! He is such a good hugger.

Okay, here's the thing. Football
camp started when Cal came.

Then I was laid up

because of that dinner
at Absolutely Crabulous.

Well, don't worry. I've been
slacking on my end, too.

Yeah, but I've been telling
Pam that Cal is thriving here.

We can't send her a video
of him reciting his A, B, sixes!

I wonder... Go on. I'm in.

Is it possible to
shoot him in a way

that makes him look
better than he is?

Honey, are you kidding?
Vin Diesel is a movie star.

Anything is
possible with editing.

What have you got there?

Just choosing some
classes for college.

This one looks interesting.
"In this intensive..." Nope.

(SCOFFS) Drop that!

Game day, buddy.

For the first time ever,

Luke and I are taking
part in the sport of kings,

the savory science.

We're teamed in a parent-child
hot dog eating contest.

We've been training for weeks,

and I'm proud to say
that Luke, like his old man,

is blessed with
a dogger's mouth.

I felt something tear inside.

Push through it, you'll thank me

when you start to
feel the gorger's high.

Ahhh! What the hell!

Oh, is the hot dog
making you angry?

An angry stomach
is 12% larger. Boo!

I think we've got a real shot to take
down Rhonda and Thandie Hodak.

But they're undefeated.

I guess that makes us
underdogs. CLAIRE: Mmm.

How long you been
sitting on that one?

Not as long as you've
been sitting on that couch.

CLAIRE: Hmm. Hey, can
I get in on that floor bagel?

Alex decided to take off
some time earlier this summer,

and, like everything else she
does, she did it a little too well.

(CLATTER)

Who's there? Did you bring food?

Uh... Tomatoes,

but they won't be
ready for six weeks.

You have a backup?

Well, I fell asleep on my phone,

and I think my face
ordered another one.

Oh.

You know what?
You wanna join me?

You go back to
work in a few weeks.

You'll regret it if you
don't relax a little.

Uh, okay, sure.

These could wait 10 minutes

until I get them in
the ground, right?

(TV PLAYING)

Can you scratch my nose?
I feel like you're closer.

Okay, up on the table for

a little stomach massage
and heckler prep.

Hey, gals, things haven't
been going that great

between me and Arvin.

And he's stopping
by to say goodbye

before leaving for Switzerland.

Could you take off the onesies

and make it look like we
don't live in an insane asylum?

You suck! You eat like a
moron! (DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, my God!

It's like you want Arvin to
throw his return ticket off an Alp.

Mmm. No wonder
she's so stressed.

She's wearing,
like, a seven-sie.

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

Haley? Fancy meeting you here.

(LAUGHING) Wait,
why? I... I live here.

(NERVOUSLY) No, I know. I
was making a joke. It was stupid.

Oh, no, it wasn't
stupid. It was funny.

You didn't laugh.

Do it again. I'll
laugh this time.

I'd rather not.

Sorry, I'm just, um...

Oh, I'm really nervous,

and I feel like this goodbye
has so much pressure on it.

So let's just relax and
be with each other.

I actually have to go.

(LAUGHING) No, seriously.

(SIGHS) I misread my itinerary,

and I have to
get to the airport.

No! Uh, so this is
it? This is goodbye?

I'm afraid so.

I'm going to miss you.
I'm going to miss you, too.

Aw. (HORN HONKING)

That's my car. I
should probably...

(HORN BLARING)

Okay, uh, well, goodbye, Haley.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh!

Love you.

(DOOR OPENS) Love you, too!

Is he gone?

Yeah. Oh, good.

No one wants old,
fuddy-duddy dad

ruining the big romantic moment.

I'll be upstairs,
hiding in Luke's closet.

All right, there we go, Cal.
Chew the peanut butter.

See, now, with editing, we can make it
look like he's saying anything we want,

numbers, the alphabet, a joke about
Jewish people... Pam loves those.

Movie tricks come easy to me,

clowns being
naturals at deception.

It's true. A couple months into
dating, Cam told me he was a clown,

did a little performance for
me, and I did feel deceived.

Okay, now, when I say "action,"

Cal's gonna throw me the ball.

You're gonna walk backwards.

And then, in
editing, I'll reverse it,

make it look like
Cal's catching the ball,

and you're walking normally.

Uh, why am I even in it at all?

Remind me of
something, Mitchell,

is the best art made by a
million voices chiming in,

or one man with a single vision?

(PIANO KEYS CLICKING)

Okay, we'll lay
in the piano later.

♪ Twinkle, twinkle, little star

♪ How I wonder what you are ♪

CALHOUN: I have to pee!

He has to pee. Yup.
Okay. He has to pee.

All right, take five.

Lily, this is our first cut,

so, if you see anything
wonky, let us know.

(CLASSICAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

Oh! Hello, Mommy!
Happy birthday!

One plus one is
two. Simple math.

(PEN CLICKS)

I can catch a ball.

(CAT MEOWS)

How'd you miss the cat?

I didn't. That take
was your best walk.

(TWINKLE, TWINKLE, LITTLE
STAR PLAYS ON PIANO)

That is gold.

(BIG-BAND INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(TAPPING)

Why the giant bottle of wine?

It's for perspective, and
nobody's asking that question.

Didn't I just ask it? Oh, Cam...

I know. It's certified rotten.

(TAPPING)

(LOUD CHOMPING)

Luke...

He's only getting a third
of the dog on his first bite.

Anything less than half,
and you're playing for second.

Well, the good news is
the Fourth is weeks away.

Um, it's today.

Today?

June? Oh. Yeah, gone.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

There you are.

It's almost time for our show.

Wait. What are you wearing?

Clothes. I got to get back into
school mode before I lose my edge.

Mom, you might want to
think about rejoining life

before your brain freezes, too.

Yeah, don't you worry
about me. (FLY BUZZING)

(LAUGHS)

What's that?

Oh, um...

Listen,

no dad wants to have
this talk with his son,

but you're just not
eating enough hot dogs.

(SIGHS) I'm sorry. For some
reason, I just... I can't focus.

I think what Luke is trying to
say is, he's too old for this contest,

and he doesn't have
the heart to tell you.

That's impossible. I'm an
adult. I'm still super into it.

Yeah, my 20s should be my
prime hot dog eating years.

That was just my first attempt.

I'm gonna figure
this out. Hang on.

Despite what Alex says,
I have not lost my edge.

Something just clicked.

Fine. You're
right. It's college.

It is?

I'm distracted because
I'm feeling some pressure

about which classes to take.

But don't worry. I'm
gonna figure it out.

Wow. How could you tell?

I'm just a perceptive guy.

I wasn't talking about Luke.
The clicking was in my jaw.

My old TMJ injury was
back, thanks to all the training.

I got it in college,
when I bet my roommate

I could out-frisbee-catch
his golden retriever.

And guess who won... (GROANING)

Ugh! CLAIRE: Aw!

Arvin and I had the
worst goodbye. Mmm.

We've had such a weird
past couple months.

That long?

It feels like it all
started in the hospital

after I told him I loved him.

There you go. That's
it. You pressured him.

Too much, too soon.

Maybe. Something's
not lining up.

Okay, you're right. Seriously?

Something happened in the
hospital while Arvin was gone.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Lost again?

No, this time I
meant to come back.

I have some pretty big news.

You should probably
be sitting for this.

Okay.

(WHIRRING)

(WHIRRING STOPS) I
lied. I'm not married anymore.

My wife left me for her
ex-husband. I'm a divorce.

Why are you telling me this?

Because I'm back in town,
I'm going to nursing school,

and we might run
into each other.

I don't want to spend the
rest of my life pretending

my wife is in the bathroom.

Yeah, I would start to
worry about her after a while.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

It's okay. I don't think we
ever really got each other.

Like, you know how when
you and I used to go to concerts,

we used to just look at
each other and know?

It was time for me to
get on your shoulders

and throw my bra at the
drummer. (BOTH CHUCKLE)

Yeah. Like you probably
have that with Arvin, right?

Definitely. That's awesome.

With my wife, she's pretty,
and smart, and a doctor.

But if you're always telling
yourself how lucky you are,

it's probably because
you're afraid to ask yourself

how happy you are, right?

I brought ice chips,

or are they "ice fries" here?

Oh! Ha.

I can't believe Dylan
got into my head.

I can't believe he got
into nursing school.

That's the biggest one they got?

Yes, and I'm not
going back again.

Have you seen Manny? I've
been looking all over for him.

I don't see him.

I've been here, busy
inspecting the troops.

Young lady, could
you straighten that hat?

Sir, that horn
could use a shine.

Haircut.

Gloria, if this goes well,

in a couple of months, I'll be
lighting the town Christmas tree.

Take that, Dad.

You know what is weird?

After so many years at Carnaval

to be at a parade with
people fully dressed.

Gloria, focus. You've
got a big role in this.

After I cut the ribbon,

it's your job to
fire off the cannon.

That's the signal for
everybody to start marching.

But isn't the grand marshal's
job to fire the cannon?

So the ribbon cuts itself?

Gloria, what you don't
know about parades...

(CELL PHONE BUZZES)
Wait, wait. (GASPS)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Are you coming? The
parade is about to start.

Hey, Jay!

Hey, Tom, how's it going?

Great, actually. My wife
and I are back together.

Well, not exactly. I mean,
we're going on dates.

We're hoping to recapture...

Yeah, yeah, I want
to hear all about it,

but I think the local
paper needs a photo.

Oh, of course, yeah.

Gloria, get in the shot.

(SIGHS)

Gloria!

But you promised that
you were going to be here.

Just shoot. Go ahead, shoot it!

What? Okay!

No, not yet!

(MARCHING BAND PLAYING)

JAY: Damn it,
Gloria, it's not cutting.

These aren't lefties!

Grand marshal!
Take that, Grandpa.

You must be on top of the world.

Well, I'm putting on a brave
face for the good of the country,

but truth is, we did not
get off to a great start.

Gloria is not on her game today,

and I'm afraid
she's gonna forget

to lead the standing
ovation after my speech.

Hmm. In fact,
I'm tagging you in.

Your cue is "Pursuit
of Happiness."

And if you can sell it, a
"bravo" would be nice.

Okay. I... I know
what's wrong with Gloria.

This is a big day for you,
and she's feeling left out.

No, that's not it. Damn it.

You're not getting
here till tomorrow?

How does your name even
have the word "man" in it?

Something just
clicked. Jaw trouble?

No. She was just talking
with Manny, who's not coming.

Don't Gloria and Manny have
some Fourth of July tradition?

Come to think of it, they share a slice
of apple pie and watch the fireworks.

They've been doing that
every year since he was born!

Until this year, which
is why Gloria is upset.

Yes! Mmm-hmm. You're right.

I let this sash go to my head.
I never should have brought it.

Oh, I can help you out,

but you're gonna have to give
up on your little speech thing.

Hey, kid. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Where'd you get the fireworks?

You a cop? Oh...

There's a stand in the
grocery store parking lot,

but he's closing up.

You get the fireworks
and the apple pie.

I will take care of Manny. I
am back! I am really back!

My car's blocked in. All
this traffic, I'll never make it.

Look at that. Right
there. (HORN BEEPING)

Check it out, I'm a Shriner.

Cool. Listen, I need to borrow
your car. It's kind of an emergency.

But my dad's excited
to see me in the parade.

He was a Tuskegee Airman.

Maybe the minute you stop trying so
hard is the minute he'll start loving you.

Now, hop out of there,

and go clear a path for me
through those lawn chairs.

Come on, I'll help
you out. I don't...

How about this one, okay?

Maybe we'll get lucky,
and he'll be good at this.

Okay. Don't you think
this is a little hateful?

Waterboarding a
clown for a prize?

Oh, come on, you guys spray
each other with seltzer all the time.

That's between two
consenting clowns.

One second, let's get
this. Okay, go ahead.

No, no, wrong way. Oh.
Okay, okay. You've got to...

Okay. It's all right.

You know what?
Maybe it's just time

we admit to Pam we
haven't taught him a thing.

You know, I just... I
don't want to let him down.

I've come to really
enjoy having him around.

I know. I know. Me, too.

But it's not like we're
bad at parenting.

I mean, Lily turned out to
be a smart, sensitive, little girl.

Ugh! You're a
disgrace to this family.

MANNY: I don't think you
heard me, I'm over the bridge.

I know. Now, we're
just catching up.

Sorry I didn't win.

Oh, no, no, no, you
don't have to apologize.

You did just great. Aw!

We're the ones who
need to do better.

(CHUCKLES) You know
what? You give great hugs.

Hey, we taught him that.

Well, too bad it
isn't exactly a skill.

(SHEEP BLEATS)

Or is it?

Mutton busting?

What is that?

It's a sheep rodeo for kids.

It's like you didn't have
a childhood. Come on.

MALE ANNOUNCER: The hot dog

eating contest
is about to begin.

Sorry I'm not in
worse shape for this.

Don't worry about it, buddy.
You've had a lot on your mind.

Any luck choosing your courses?

Not yet. I don't really wanna
talk about that right now.

Maybe you're putting
too much pressure on...

It's more than just
picking classes, okay?

Can we just drop it and focus
on what we're doing here?

Yeah, of course.

(EXHALES SLOWLY)

Exciting to be in the
competition, huh?

Instead of sitting up in the
bleachers, like the last three years.

I guess.

Scary, sure. But it does feel
good putting our butts on the line.

You lose 100% of the hot dog
eating contests you don't enter.

Dad, I know what
your bumper sticker is,

and I know what
you're trying to do here.

But college is different.

I mean, you screw up
at community college,

and you're out of options.

You're not gonna screw it up.

I've messed up a
lot of things in my life.

I'm scared I'll do it again.

Good. What?

Being scared means you care.

Maybe that's what's
been missing in the past.

It's the biggest thing
I've ever tried to do.

MALE ANNOUNCER:
Contestants, ready positions!

Just take it one step at a time.

Don't worry about the 50 to
hopefully 75 hotdogs you're gonna eat.

Just worry about the
dog in front of you.

And wet the buns.

Eat! (STARTING GUN FIRES)

(CROWD CHEERING)

(SHEEP BLEATING)

Are we sure this is safe?

Oh, my gosh, yes.
The kids love it.

The sheep love it. (BUZZER)

And I'm pretty
sure it's too late.

CALHOUN: Whoa! Hang
on, Cal! Keep hugging!

Oh, my gosh, Pam is
going to be so excited!

He's already busting
at a first-grade level.

MAN: Ow!

Better get an X-ray.

You got trampled pretty bad.

Looks like that ankle is broken.

(TROMBONE PLAYS SAD NOTES)

Really, Jerry?

Haley? What are you doing here?

Well, you tweeted
you were working.

The water tower was in the
back of your Instagram story,

and you just left a Yelp rating for
that falafel place around the corner,

so I figured out where you were.

Could you please stop
being so obsessed with me?

Wait, what?

That thing that you
said at the hospital,

how if a person felt lucky
to be in a relationship,

that means they
couldn't really be happy.

Obviously, you did
that to try and ruin

what I have with Arvin
because you're not over me.

I seriously don't know whether to
laugh or check you for a spider bite.

I'm sorry that you're
questioning your relationship,

but it's not my fault.
(HALEY SCOFFS)

Just admit it! You said that
to try and get back with me.

Look, in my heart of hearts,

which does not
exist, by the way,

yeah, I still think about
us. We were great!

A-ha! Nah-ha.

You're the one who drove
across town, paid $12 for parking,

and then an additional
$2 for the yellow wristband

for beer and
medical tent access.

It sounds like you're
the one who's into me.

You're crazy.

There's no crime in wondering
if we might still be good together.

I still see us together
in my mind's eye,

which, by the way, doesn't
exist... I can't hear it again.

Diagnosis, nothing.

(HORN HONKING)

(GRUNTS)

How was the parade?

I had something
more important to do.

Apple pie?

I got a few weird
looks at the drive-thru,

but it was worth it to help
keep your tradition alive.

You mean Manny and me? That's
not going to happen because...

I've got that covered, too.

Mmm-hmm.

Ta-da!

Hi, Mom! I miss you!

Oh, Jay, that's perfect.

It's not perfect yet.

(WHISTLES)

Should we really give the
dangerous job to my only smart one?

(FIREWORKS BURSTING) (GASPS)

Happy Fourth of July, Papi!

I'll be home soon,
before you know it.

JAY: Thomas Jefferson, who was
sort of the grand marshal of his time,

believed this country
should be a place

where people are free to
pursue happiness and a better life,

where we can set
our sights on the stars

and, with hard work
and determination...

(AIR HORN BLARING)
make the impossible a reality.

Because Americans
don't run from challenges.

We embrace them.

(MUFFLED CHEERING)

God bless America.
Hold for applause.

That would have
killed, right? Bravo!

You know, I gave up a lot
today. You could mean it.

Never too early to start
training for next year.

Let's loosen up first
with some exercises.

Llama lick.

Dizzy Gillespie. Jiffy
Pop it. (BOTH BLOW AIR)

Hold it, and out.

Dad, I don't think I can ever
eat another hot dog again.

I thought we
might feel this way.

Hey, you there? LILY
ON PHONE: What?

We're having some trouble
getting these bad boys down.

I'm not surprised,
you pathetic losers.

You two disgust me more
than what's in those hot dogs!

What's the hold-up?

Are we saving our bodies
for bikini season, ladies?

She's good. She better
be. She's expensive.