Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Come Fly with Me - full transcript

[Man On TV]
Riley Morton coming up now.

Kelly at second.
Started the inning with a double.

That seems like an hour ago.

- Honey, I thought you were
gonna take out the garbage.
- I am.

High fly to right.
Hooking, hooking- Foul.
[Crowd Jeers]

- Phil.
- Yes. Getting it.

Good guys trail 3-2,
last of the ninth,
one out-

I was- I was gonna get it.
[Man Continues On TV]

Dylan.
Hey, Mrs. Dunphy.

Um, I'm just waiting
for Haley.

Did you ring the bell?
I texted.



She said she'd be down
in just a minute.

Oh, great.
Tell her I said "Hi."
I will.

Dylan! D-Money!

Chillin' with
Dylan the villain!

"D" to the "Y" to the-
Hey, Mr. Dunphy.

Hey! Come on in.

You're just in time to catch
the end of the game.

Oh, I'm not really
a baseball guy.

[Phone Beeps]
Haley says "Hi."

I was just being facetious.
Come on.
I'll catch you up.

- [Crowd Cheering On TV]
- Sit it. Park it.

[Chuckles]
Come on. I don't bite.

[Growls]
Kidding.

[Chuckles]
I'm kidding.



Okay. See that guy?
He's the tying run.

Interesting story about him.
He's been stuck
on second base forever,

and I'm pretty sure he's
gonna try and steal third,

which is just
a terrible, terrible idea.

How are you and Haley doing?

I wish I could stay home
with you and fly toy airplanes.

These aren't toy airplanes,
Manny. These are models,
and they're very complicated.

You wanna fly one of these,
you gotta be familiar with airfoil,

drag, lift and thrust-

and these are all principles
of aerodynamics.

The box says "12 and up."

What?

You can fly toy planes
with Jay next time.

Today you have to spend
time with Luke.
Why?

Because his mother
invited you, so you go.

Family needs to be close.
Right, Jay?

I'm pretty sure this is a typo.

[Gloria]
Men need their hobbies.
Manny's father had many hobbies.

Like hiking in the desert,

that kind of skiing that
they drop you from the-

How do you say in English?
[Lmitates Rotor Blades]

Helicopter.
Yes.

Once, on a dare, he even
boxed with an alligator.

"Wrestle." You wrestle-
You can't box with alligators.

Are you sure?
How would they get the gloves
on those little claws?

Aren't they like
tiny little hands?

No!

Okay, now I forgot
what we're talking about.
Anyways,

hobbies are important
for the men,

whether you're risking
your life...

or flying little planes
from a safe distance.

♪♪ [Dance: Woman Singing]
Wait, wait, wait.
What are you doing?

Uh, we're just gonna
buy some diapers.
It'll just take a second.

This is Costco.
Yeah, which is where
we buy diapers.

Since when?

Do you remember
when we adopted that
baby a few months back?

Since then.
[Parking Brake Clicks]

Mitchell is a snob.

No. N-No, I-I'm discerning.

Official slogan for snobs.

When we first met,
he wouldn't even
look at me...

because I was a hick
from the farm in Missouri,
and he's a big city mouse.

[Stammers]
Who says "city mouse"?

Country mice.

[Bat Cracks]
Ground ball to short.
Sanchez-

I think I'm gonna go
wait in the car.
Okay.

- Hey, if you're on your way out,
can you grab the garbage?
- I got it.

- Okay. We got it.
- [Man On TV] So, one out left-

- He's a little jumpy.
- Oh, go figure-

a teenage boy doesn't
want to hang out with
his girlfriend's dad.

Thought we were past all that.
I'm all about-

I'm all about taking it
to the next level.
Really?

Thought you were all about
keeping it real.
Yes.

But the whole point of
keeping it real is so you can
take it to the next level.

- Did you really not know that?
- You haven't exactly taken it
to the next level with my dad.

What are you talking about?

We've been married for 16 years,
and you still walk
on eggshells around him.

What? Are you kidding?

Jay and I are total buds.

[Doorbell Rings]
[Dog Barks]

You-You want
to just hang out?

Brought six friends,
so that just-
[Chuckles]

That's-

[Man]
♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

Manny brought his favorite
game to play with Luke.

It's called Empire.

You use strategy
to expand territories
and take over the world.

Luke is gonna love that.
He's out back playing.

Do you need me
to get you something
while I'm out shopping?

That's such a nice offer,
but I think we're good. Thanks.

Okay. What about this?

You don't even say "Hello"
to Gloria and Manny?

Hi, Gloria and Manny.
Okay, Mom, what about this?

No. You're wearing a dress.
[Gasps]
Mom, come on.

What? It's gonna kill you
to look like a girl
for one afternoon?

But it's a wedding
for some friend of yours
I never even heard of.

It's non-negotiable.
You can borrow a dress
of Haley's again.

No. That sends an ugly message-
that I'm Haley.

You know, instead of trying
to force me to wear a dress,

why don't you worry about
getting Luke to wear some pants?

What? Why does he do this?

Luke!

Pants! Come on!

[Phil]
Jay and I are buds,
for sure-

but with kind of, um,
an invisible asterisk.

Um, he's not, uh-
He's not a talker.

Or-Or a hugger.

Once he ran over
my foot with his car.

To-To be fair, he had
just given up smoking,

but basically
we're-we're buds.

Do you have to
just stand there?

You're making me feel uneasy.

Oh.

[Clears Throat]

Oh, for God's sake. Sit here. Here.

Hold this wing like this
while I adjust this.

Okay.

Come on. Here.

Not too hard.
[Muttering]

Alex, why don't you
come shopping with me?

Maybe I can help you find
something that you like.

That's a really nice offer,
but it's not really her thing.

Actually,
I'd love to go.

See, you don't know
what my thing is.

You have no idea
what my thing is.

I know what your thing is.

Your thing is to provoke,
just like your sister's thing...

is to never come out of her room,
and your brother's thing-

Well, there's
your brother's thing.

Luke! Put 'em on!
Mm-hmm.

[Phil]
The thing about me and Jay
is our relationship's...

always been stuck in that,
um- that primal place
where it started.

You know,
he's the old silverback
protecting his females,

then along comes this younger,
stronger gorilla swinging in,
beating his chest.

You know, naturally,
the ape ladies come running,

presenting their nice
scarlet behinds.

Papa ape wants to stop
all that, but he can't.

You know?
That's-That's life.
I'm not the enemy.

The enemy is poachers.

That'll do it.
Don't touch it.

[Model Clattering]

All right.

You wanna go fly it?
Sure.

Oh. Hey, I got the toothpaste
and the soap.

Good. Now we can open
that general store.

I thought we were just
here to get diapers.

We had a saying on the farm:
As long as you're bringing
the mule to the market, you-

I feel you rolling
your eyes at me.

We met at one of Pepper's
legendary game nights.

I remember Mitchell because
he kept rolling his eyes...

every time I would get
a little boisterous.
I did not.

A little bit.

Yeah, maybe a little bit.
Anyway, we were-

we were playing charades,
and I had no idea
how to act out my clue.

And all I could think of
to do was-

And without missing a beat,
Cam says-

Casablanca.

All I did was this-
Casablanca.

Casablanca.

Can we just
please get the diapers
and get out of here?

Fine, but I wanna stop
by the wine section first.

[Chuckles]
Wait. There's a wine section?

Yeah, a really good one-
just past the tires.
No way.

They do not have-
Oh, my God.

Oh, my- Cam. Cam.
The paper shredder I wanted.

Huh?
Confetti and crosscut.

Yep.
[Chuckles]

[Gasps]
Oh, my God. Amazing.

Yeah.

Cam, what is this place?

[Timer Dings]

Those cookies
smell like heaven.
Your own recipe?

No, I just throw 'em
in the oven.

And added the secret
ingredient of caring?

Sure.

So, you and Luke
having a good time?

I don't know.
He won't come out of his box.

Maybe I'll just stay here
and spend some time
with my sister.

Oh, right. I guess
technically I would be
your stepsister.

My mother says we are never
to use the word "step"
because it means "not real."

And we are a real family.
Mmm.

So what is the matter, Claire?

- What?
- You seem sad.

It's just stuff with Alex.
You know, kid stuff.

[Scoffs]
Kids.

You don't have to tell me.
My school is full of them.

I was thinking after lunch
we can go and do
a little shopping.

I'm not getting a dress.

I don't care.
I'm not your mother.

I know.
You're my grandmother.

Step-grandmother.

Anyways, today,
think of me as a girlfriend.

Two girls out
for an afternoon of fun.

What do you usually do
with your girlfriends?

I don't know. We go out.
We talk, drink wine.

Can I drink wine?
No.

Some friend.

Well, you can still
talk to me about anything.

Yeah, adults always say that,
but they don't mean it.

When my mom says
I can ask her anything,
I really can't.

She just freaks out.

I won't freak out.
Shoot.

Okay.

How many men
have you slept with?

Eight. Next.

Now can I try it?
No.

I should get one of those.
I've always loved planes.

If things had gone
a little differently in my life,
I think I would have been a pilot.

Hey, what would happen
if you turned the remote off
and then back on real fast?

Yeah, you'd have been
a great pilot.

So, can you do a-
Can you do a loop-de-loop?
If I wanted to.

No way!
Can I try it?

No.

I can see why you like this.
It's so peaceful.

It's like the whole world just...
disappears out here.

I remember
this one summer-
I'll tell you what.

There's another trick called
"threading the needle."

I used to do it with Claire
and Mitch when they were kids.

You wanna try it?
How's it go?

You grab one of those
hoops over there...

and go to the far, far,
far end of the field...

and stand there,
and I fly the plane through it.

Um, that sounds awesome!

And then I get a chance flying it?
No.

Okay.
[Clears Throat]

How's this?

Not far enough.
Go on.

- Okay. Further down.
- You can't go too far.

Right.
Okay, I get it. I get it.

How's this?
Good.

Now stand still.
Don't move.

Okay, let's do it.
Whoo!

Whoo! I love it!

I love... it!
[Laughing]

You drove a plane
into my face.

You must have moved.
I told you to stay still.

I didn't move.
Try not to talk.

I want to make sure
nothing's broken.
[Groaning]

Alex and I can't just disagree.
I mean, she has to turn
everything into a fight.

Hmm. A strong,
independent woman.

Sounds like
somebody else I know.

I was never hostile though.
I mean, this whole thing
with the dress-

Never had this
problem with Haley.

Maybe Alex doesn't want to
compete with her big sister.

Maybe she's trying to
create her own identity.

Put her in a dress,
and she disappears.

For one afternoon?
I wouldn't give up being
myself for even one second.

Wow.

Sometimes it's hard to remember
you're only 10 years old.

And three-quarters.
Yeah.

[Phone Rings, Beeps]
[Clears Throat]
Hello?

Hey, it's Mitchell.
Do you guys eat olives?
Olives?

Really good olives?
Yeah.

You got it.
[Phone Beeps]

Mitchell, I found the diapers.
They're over here.

Cameron,
guess what I found?

Coffins.
They sell baby formula
and they sell coffins.

You can buy literally
buy everything you need
from birth to death.

Oh, my God.
Look at these diapers.

[Gasps]
Look how cheap they are!

Oh. You know what we should do?
We should get enough for
the next year or two, right?

Where would we keep them?

They sell sheds.
Really? You want to
buy a diaper shed?

We're those guys now?
The guys with a diaper shed?

Just grab two more.
I'm not grabbing two more,
Mitchell. It's time to go.

Come on, come on.
We need, uh-
Hey, excuse me.

Where did you get that
flatbed thing?
Over there.

Go grab one of those.
Really?

Yeah. Get two.

I'm in the applesauce aisle.

So, anyways, after charades,
we went out for coffee.

And I learned that he loves art.
He plays the piano.
He speaks French.

Un peu.
You see?
I-I misjudged him.

Yeah, I'm sort of
like Costco.

I'm big, I'm not fancy,
and I dare you
to not like me.

Yeah, and I'm kinda
more like that, um-

[Sighs]
What is the name of that little
shop we went to in Paris?

You are such a snob.

Casablanca.

I have a small flower
on my ankle...

and a tiny little butterfly
on my... thigh.

How high up?

Pretty high.
Did you do it
to look sexy?

No- Did you do it for a guy?
Does Grandpa like it?

No, no and yes.

That's gross.
Mmm.

Let's go back
to your piercings.
No, no, no.

I've answered enough of your questions.
Now it's your turn to answer one.

What is it?

Why you don't want
to wear a dress?

Because I don't want
to look like Haley
and her stupid friends.

I wear dresses
and I don't look like Haley.

You are Haley,
just 40 years older.

Ten.
Twenty.

Deal. Alex, why are you
fighting me on this?

Just- It doesn't matter
if I dress up. I'm not
pretty like Haley and you.

That's ridiculous!
You're beautiful.
I'm not.

But that's okay.
I'm the smart one.

Mmm. The cute busboy
doesn't know that you're smart.
What?

He's been smiling at you every
time he comes to the table.
He does not!

Why do you think we are
the only people with bread?

Look. One day you're going to
want to date a cute guy like that.

And when that day comes,
you're going to want to look beautiful,

and then you'll wear a dress.

So, you ever
kiss another girl?

That's no way to talk
to your grandmother.

Was my mom hard on me
growing up? Yeah, she was.

But you know what? Back then
everything was Betty Friedan
and Gloria Steinem.

[Door Closes]
They didn't understand-

¡Hola! We're back.
[Alex]
Hello.

Hey, how'd it go?
It was great.

- Did you have fun with Luke?
- Well, not-

We had a great time.

Alex, I've been thinking, and...

if you don't want to wear
a dress to the wedding,
it's not the end of the world.

It's all right.
I bought one.

[Both Laugh]

Do you see
how she has to provoke me?
We'll talk about it next week.

[Pounding On Door]
[Jay]
Claire!

Clear the way.
Coming through.
Ow!

Coming through.
Easy. Easy, fella.
Ow!

I need to rest my face.
You're fine.

You'll be all right.
Hang on.

Oh, my God!
Get the door.

Ah!
Dad?

Little accident.
Nothing big.

I was in a plane crash.
What happened?

We were threading the needle,
and somebody moved.

- No, I didn't.
You did it on purpose.
- That's the painkiller talking.

He's a little loopy.
[Groaning]

How bad is it?
Well, the wing
is cracked,

- the propeller's bent,
but I can- I can-
- I mean Phil.

I was in a plane crash.
Thanks, Dad.

I didn't ask him to be there.
He insisted.

He took a chance.
This is what happened.

- Kind of like the time
you ran over his foot.
- You ran over his foot?

That was an accident.
You know, Dad,
you did it on purpose.

- We all saw the tire marks
on the lawn.
- I had just quit smoking.

[Phil Groans]
See, you're upsetting
your husband.

Water.
I'll get it.

Ay. You okay?

Gloria!
Thank God you're here.

Don't worry.
I'm here too.

Who's this?

Wasn't my fault.
[Scoffs]

I have seen you thread
the needle a million times.
You never miss.

Yeah. I must be getting old.
Why don't you just admit it?
You never liked Phil.

Put that down.
You do not get a cookie.

I like Phil.
It's just that sometimes
he tries too hard, you know?

And it's just kind of-
[Whispering]
Irritating.

Okay, maybe he tries too hard
because you make
zero effort with him.

You know what?
In the 16 years that
we've been married,

have you one time told him
that you liked him?

Not in those
exact words, no.
No.

Not in any words, Dad.
How do you think
that makes me feel?

You've never told
your son that you love him?

Whoa, whoa.
When did we jump to love?

And he's technically
not my son.

Ah. So that means that you
don't love Manny either?
Sure, I do.

I mean, believe me,
when I was in that park,
I really wished Manny was there.

For what? So that
you could fly the plane
into his head? Huh?

Dad, thanks so much
for bringing Phil home.

I found one of your little
flaps in his hair. So-

Actually, this is
called an aileron.

It controls the horizontal-
Because that's
what matters right now.

Bye, Dad.

- Hey, Phil.
- Jay.

[Groans]
What are you,
made of china?

[Groaning]

Phil, I just want you
to know I'm sorry.

And whether I, uh,
missed or you moved-

I didn't.
Either way.

I just want to say
that I like you.

Really?
Yeah.

What do you like about me?

You're a nice guy.

Try real hard.

I do.

And you're a good dad.
Hey, I'm a good dad.
Come here.

Come here, you.
[Groans]

This feels so right.
[Groans]
[Door Opens]

What's going on?

There was a little accident,
but Jay's telling Phil
how much he loves him.

Oh. Well, that's nice
for Phil.

That's great,
since he's never said anything
like that to my boyfriend.

- Let it go.
- No, it's not okay.

No, Mitch is right.
Go in there too, Cam.
Come on.

You're kidding.
Okay.

- Jay!
- I'm gonna get this.

Come on in, Cam.
Just a little hug.

- Get in here.
- Say it.

- [Jay]
Whoa! Hey, hey, hey!
- Say it! Say it!

I like you too, Cam.
Aw!

What do you like
about him?
Oh, geez.

Where did you get
that camera?

Only the greatest store
on earth.
[Laughs]

[Whispers]
Thanks, Dad.

Manny, picture!
Get in there too.

[Phil]
Get in here, mi amigo.
Oh!

Stay still.
Say "cheese."

Don't push it.
[All]
Cheese!

Picture.

Cheese!
[Gloria]
Cheese. Queso.

[Gloria Laughing]
[Chattering, Laughing]

[Phil]
Oh, boy!
[Laughing Continues]

[Phil]
Doesn't it feel like these arms
could go around the world?

[Cameron Groans]
I think I strained something.

I always wanted a daughter-

to dress her up
in pretty dresses,

do her hair,
her nails, her makeup.

[Laughs]

No one knows this, but for
the first year of his life,

I made up Manny like a girl
and told everybody
that he was my daughter.

[Laughs]

Ay, but just
for a few times.

I didn't want to mess
with his head.

When he found the pictures,
I told him that it was
his twin sister who died.

ENGLISH - US - PSDH