Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 22 - Airport 2010 - full transcript

Gloria's birthday present to Jay of a trip to Hawaii becomes a vacation for the entire family.

Oh, I forgot to ask-
Did it hurt?

What hurt?
When you fell from heaven
and landed on earth.

I didn't fall from-
Ah. [Laughing]

Because I'm an angel.
Why are you so sweet?

Maybe just 'cause
I'm so damn happy.

Today's Jay's birthday,
so I'm taking him to Hawaii
for a whole week.

Big suite in Maui.
Just the two of us.

Got Manny tied up in the backyard.
Big bowl of kibble.

I'm kidding. He's staying
with Claire and Phil.

This whole thing
was a big surprise.

I did it all myself-
the flight, the hotels.

Cost me a fortune,
but it was worth it.

[Mouthing Words]

In case I forget to say it
a few hundred times this week,
thank you.


Happy birthday!

Wh- What the heck?

- [Claire] Surprise, Dad.
- The whole family's
coming with us!

- They are?
- Uh-huh.

Yes, and Mitch and Cameron
and Lily too.

Yeah, and Phil-
he's just checking the bags.

That's, uh- Wow.

It was all Gloria's idea.
She bought all of our tickets
and everything.

Really? Everyone's?

- It's your birthday.
I didn't spare any expense.
- Oh, gee! Thank you, honey.

Are they, uh, all gonna be
up with us in first class?

Ay, no, silly. Coach.
You think I'm made of money?

Of course not.

♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

We're gonna go to a luau,
swim with the Miami Dolphins,

take a tour
in one of those, the-
[lmitating Rotor Blades]

Helicopter. Helicopter.
Mm-hmm. Yes!

I don't like activities.

I wanted to hang out
with Gloria and read
my Robert Ludlum novels.

I got eight of 'em loaded up
on my book reader thing here.

I mean, I love my family.

I love 'em at dinners,
I love 'em at barbecues,

but do I have to
love 'em in Hawaii?

Thanks, Daryl.

I know I got a lot of baggage,
but don't worry, I'm seeing a therapist.

Just kidding. I'm fine.
[Lily Cooing]


Daryl, I know these guys.
Can I borrow your hat?
This will be hilarious.


[Cameron] Aloha, Uncle Phil!
Hey! You guys excited
about the trip?

Oh, we're so excited.
You know, this is my first time.

Yeah, I know it's surprising.

People always say
I scream "Hawaii."
Who says that?

What people?

You don't know them.

Hey, Lily! Hi.
Oh, no! Oh, n-

I forgot my wallet.
Oh, that's all right.
I have cash.

No, no. I can't get on the plane
without my I.D.

Thanks a lot, Cam.
How is this my fault?

Because if you had done what
I asked you to do this morning,

then I wouldn't have been
overwhelmed and I would have
remembered my wallet.

All right. We still
need to pack Lily's toys,
print the boarding passes.

Oh, stop the newspaper.

Wait. What are you doing?
I just packed those.

She just looks so cute in this outfit.
I want her looking her best for Jasper.

Nothing you just said
made any sense to me.

Jasper and his mother
are coming over for a playdate.
We scheduled it weeks ago.

- We're about to leave for the airport.
- Not for an hour.

- And this is the only time
Jasper could do it.
- How full is Jasper's calendar?

This is a coup.
When you get in with Jasper, doors open.

He's a legacy
at Happy Time Preschool.

- We're kissing up to a 10-month-old?
- I just want him to like us.

[Doorbell Rings]
Okay, that's them.

But just in and out.
We still have
a million things to do.

Would you relax?
You always worry.
It always gets done.

Oh, and we're Methodists, so-

Uh, who am I kidding?
I'm not making this flight.

Uh-uh. I can get you home
and back before the plane
takes off. Let's go.

Daryl- [Clears Throat]
See if you can stall the plane.

I will get to you later.

I really- I really don't think
there's enough time.

Go. I'll meet you
at the gate. Go.

- But you won't get on
the plane without me, right?
- Oh. Well-

Seriously? You were gonna
get on the plane? Cam!

Just go!

Nope. Gotta get that one.

I can't-

Oh! That's as fast
as she goes.
All right. Just drive.

Just drive.
I'll get the luggage!

Hey, check out
that cute guy.

He's out of your league.
He's reading a book.

I know.

[Woman On P.A.]
If there are any passengers that
require special assistance—

- Here today, gone to Maui!
- Hey. You seen Phil?

- Oh, he drove Mitchell back
to get his wallet.
- What?

Yeah. He said he's gonna make it
back in time, but I think
it's gonna be close.

So he left me here.

Haley is still asleep, and
I have no idea where Luke is.

- And are you even ready?
- My bag's in the living room.
Everything's gonna be okay.

Okay. Fine. I'm sorry.
I'm a little tense.

Coffee'll help that.
You're right.

We've been over this.
Air travel is incredibly safe.

I know. I know.
But at the end of the day,

it is still a building
on its side being thrown
from one place to another.

With a movie.
Not helping.

You wanna take something,
maybe calm your nerves?

No. No. I wanna be alert
if the kids need me.

What a mom.
Sometimes I wish
you were my mom.

Oh, God, Phil.
I'm already feeling a little queasy.

I hate this feeling.
I hate it.

And it's just gonna
get worse and worse
until the flight.

Hey! It's gonna be fine.

Uncle Phil's here.

Great job, buddy!
First one ready.

Haley and Alex, let's go!

Bless you.

All right. Come on, girls.


This is why we practice.
Come on through.
Come through.

Fifteen seconds.
Are we ready?
I think so.

It's go time.
[Rapid Beeping]

Straight to the car.
Slow is smooth,
and smooth is fast.

Go, go, go, go, go.
Slow is smooth,
and smooth is fast.

Straight through.
Let's go. Let's go.
Very nice!

Hey! I think we got
an extra couple of seconds.

No, we don't.
Dad, come on!

[Woman On P.A.]
...may now board
through Gate 1.

Mmm. I will never
get tired of this.

Me neither. You know
what would be cool, Mom?
What's that?

If the plane flew into a storm
and crash-landed onto
an island like in Lost.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Something wrong there, Cam?
Well, I'm just breaking in
a new pair of hiking shoes.

This always happens.
All the men in my family
have wide ankles.

I have an uncle that can
only wear bell bottoms.
Hand to God.

I wasn't doubtin' ya.
Just why are you wearing
the hiking shoes?

What, again?

Every morning the whole family's
gonna go hiking.

Then at the end of the week,
we all gonna make it
to the top of the volcano.

Every morning, huh?

Yes. When Cam suggested it,
I knew you were gonna love it.

Oh, so this was your idea?
Happy birthday, Jay.

Ah, thanks, buddy.

Hi, sweetheart!
She's smiling!

- I'm going hiking!
- [Gloria Speaking Spanish]


[Register Beeping]
Thank you.

Look, Mom, I'm pregnant.
Yeah. You still gotta
take your Dramamine.

Oh, does somebody get
a little motion sickness?
[Loud Clap]

Yeah, I throw up all the time.
Oh, well, then Dramamine's
the way to go.

[Loud Clapping]
What the hell are you doing?

Oh, I'm just trying
to keep her awake so
she'll sleep on the plane.

Nobody likes
a crying baby on a flight.
It's-It's very stressful.

Uh, last year I flew back
from New York...

next to a baby who was
very upset the entire flight,
and it was hell.

I was on that flight with you,
and I don't recall-

Oh, I get it.
You're talking about me.
That's very funny.

Yeah, we couldn't get tickets
to Billy Elliot.

[Voice Breaking]
All he wanted to do was dance,
and that's my story.

Five hours of this.
[English Accent] I just
want to dance at the ballet!

Oh, I wish I had that
the last time I flew.

Tell you, the plane
was rocking up and down,
back and forth.

I thought the wings
were gonna snap off, honestly.

Okay, you do it yourself.
Use your teeth.

I-Is this the best way to go?
What about the freeway?

Relax, punkin.
I got this.

It's all about
knowing the route.

You're talking to a guy who
made his way through college
by driving a pedicab.

You know what
one of those is?
Yes. Yes.

I just saw one pass us.
[Cell Phone Ringing]

Who sang "Evil Woman"?

[Claire] Phil,
where the hell are you?

Uh, let's see. Oh, shoot!
I just missed my turn.

You're supposed to
be here with me.

I told you,
I get more and more freaked out
as we get closer to the flight.

Well, I know,
but Mitch-
Okay, you know what?

I was counting
on you to be here,
so thanks a lot.


She's pretty tightly wound.

Some people are
just built that way.

Honestly, could you
drive any slower?

Guess where
the world's largest
wind generator is.

Is it right behind me?

Nope. It's on the island of Oahu.

I'm thinking about using it
in my song about Hawaii.
What song?

Didn't Mom tell you?

The whole family's
putting on a show for you
for your birthday.

Everybody's performing.
Even Phil brought his dummy.

Isn't that great?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was just thinking
how tragic it would be
if I fell into that volcano.

Ay, papi, don't say that.

Ow, ow, ow.

Not yet, sweetie.
Not yet.

See? He's perfect.

Look at him getting coffee
and not putting chocolate in it.
He's so mature.

What about Dylan?

Dylan's no that guy.


Haley! Come on!

We're leaving in two minutes!
Get up!

[Door Slams]

Oh, my God!
Oh, no.
Is it tomorrow?

What are you doing here?

I was gonna go,
but then you fell asleep,

and since you're leaving
for a week, I want to stare
at you as long as I could.

You have to go.
My parents are gonna
think we did it.

As if.

Get out of the house
and make sure that
nobody sees you.

I'II miss you.

When you're gone, it's like
I'm this prisoner trapped
in a cell of loneliness.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's beautiful, but you have to go.


I hate this feeling.
I hate it.

And it's just gonna get worse
and worse until the flight.

Hey! It's gonna be fine.

Uncle Phil's here.

Great job, buddy!
First one ready.
[Luke] Thanks.

Haley and Alex, let's go!

Bless you.

All right. Come on, girls.


This is why we practice.
Come on through.
Come through.

Fifteen seconds.
Are we ready?
[Alex, Luke] Yes.

It's go time.
[Rapid Beeping]

Straight to the car.
Slow is smooth,
and smooth is fast.

Slow is smooth,
and smooth is fast.
Straight through.

[Phil] Very nice!
[Claire] All right.
Let's go. Let's go.

Hey! I think we got
an extra couple of seconds.

No, we don't.
Dad, come on!

[Beeping Continues]

[Sustained Tone]

- Oh, no!
- What?

My keys!

Stay awake, sweetie.
Stay awake.

Whee! Oh, no.

This is where your Realtor
training comes in handy.

Looks like
a standard Porter and Sons
D-Model top lock.

[Clears Throat]
One quick swipe oughta pop it.

All aboard.

There we go.

Nice and easy.

Yeah, you're pinching.
You're pinching.
I'm sorry.

If you show enough houses,
you learn all the tricks.

Every Realtor is just
a ninja in a blazer.

The average burglar breaks in
and leaves clues everywhere,

but not me.

I'm completely clueless.

You're sure
I'm not too heavy?

Please, you weigh less
than my paintball gear.

Okay. Yup.
There we go. We are in.

Off-load. On we go.

I'm going for a ride.
You all right?

Yup. I'm good. I'm good.

What are you doing?
Just making it a little
tougher on the next guy.

You got to get up
pretty early- Son of a-

Are you all right?
Yes, I am.

Just, uh, almost killed myself
on your fire truck.

That's not ours.
That's Jasper's.
You know Jasper?

I sold a house to his parents.
How did you ever get
a playdate with him?

Let's go!
Please, can- yeah.

Look at him.
He's sketching.

He's like Leonardo DiCaprio
in Titanic.

I bet he goes
to art school.

Do you think
he's sketching us?

Yeah. "Us."

[Woman On P.A.] Check-in
for the 5:30 flight to Boston
may board at this time.

And contact.

[Cell Phone Ringing]

Ugh! It's Dylan.

"I'm trapped."
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
What a drama queen.

We will go whale washing,
explore the tropical forest,
get back into the nature.

That sounds fun.

Thank you.

[Woman On P.A.]
Your attention, please.

Will Manny Delgado
please report to Gate 22-A?

Manny Delgado to Gate 22-A.

Check it out, Grandpa.
The Dramamine's working.
I'm not dizzy.

Yeah. Oh, watch
the drink, kid.

Ooh! Ooh, my Ludlums!

I'm sorry, Grandpa.
All right. Relax, relax.
We might be okay here.

It's not fair.
It's not fair.

Excuse me, ma'am.
Is this Manny Delgado?

- Yes.
- Your son's name
is on a no-fly list.

Ay, please, we've been
through this at the check-in.
He's not the same Manny Delgado.

I'm just a boy trying
to bring style back to travel.

- We just have
a few questions to ask.
- No, this is a mistake.

Where is my husband?
Wait. Jay!
Step this way, ma'am.

Ma'am, step this way, please.
Son, step this way.
Jay! No pushing. Jay!

You make it a double?
I'm traveling with my family.

No problem.

Must be a lot easier
just living with a guy.

Yeah, life would be simpler
if I was gay.

Do you think you could
get in the fast lane?

Oh, I could totally
get in the fast lane.
I mean the road.

[Phone Beeping]
Oh, I'm getting a text.
What does it say?

Um- Oh, G- Well, it's nothing.
It's the alarm company.

It says your house
was broken into.

It's nothing. They'll
take care of it. Just drive!
What happened?

[Alarm Blaring]

Okay, fun airport game.

You pick out a traveler,
you come up with
their entire story.

Okay. This guy,
his name's Henry.

He's on his way to Phoenix
to visit his grandmother,
whose name is, uh-

Oh! Pass.

- Too hard. Your turn.
- Okay. Fine.

I see a woman, uh, wracked
with fear, whose husband
has abandoned her.

- Where? Where? Who is she?
- Me.

I made it perfectly clear to
Phil that I needed him here.

Oh. It's going around.
Mitchell's mad at me too.

He thinks because I didn't
help him pack this morning,
he forgot his wallet.

I'm-I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to be snippy.

It's just...
I'm a little upset with Cam.

I needed his help this morning,
and he let me down.

That doesn't sound like him.
You asked him to do something
and he didn't do it?

But he never asked!
I mean, all he said was,

"Lily's bag needs to be packed
and the newspaper
needs to be canceled."

That sounds to me
like he was asking for help.

Sounds to me
like you expected him
to read your mind.

- What am I, a psychic?
- No! It's not about reading minds.

It's about knowing
what your partner needs.

Here's an idea:
Just say "help me."

You don't even have to
say "me," just "help."

Then he'll know exactly
what you want. You won't
have to get all mad.

I'm not mad. It's just-

You wanna believe you're on
the same wavelength as someone,
and then it's just-

it's a little disheartening
when you find out you're not.

That's all.

What's frustrating
is I would do anything
for Mitchell,

and-and frankly, it's a little hurtful
that he doesn't know that.

So, airports, huh?


Are you drawing
something there?
Yeah. It's no good.

Tortured artist.

Oh, yeah.

It's a robot.
Oh, yeah. Sure is.

What's behind him?
A dinosaur.

It's for school.
We're supposed to make
a comic strip.

We had to do that too,
back in the eighth-

He was 14 years old.

Shut up.

"He's my soul mate."

I d-

[Laughing Continues]

[Man On P.A.]
This is the final
boarding announcement for-

[Man Belches]

What you drinking?

Dad. Hey. Mostly tonic actually,
thanks to my new sponsor here.

Mmm. I'm a little jittery about flying.

What are you talking about?
You fly all the time.

Yeah, I know. This started
just in the last couple years.

I think I'm just-
I'm nervous 'cause I've got
so much to lose now, you know?

What about you?
I'm taking a break
from my vacation.

We haven't even started yet.

Well, I gotta figure,
I might not have a lot
of time for myself,

you know, what with the luaus,
the hiking, the talent shows.

Are you not happy
that we're coming with you?

It's just not
what I expected.

But, Dad, doesn't it
feel good to know...

that your whole family
is willing to drop everything
to be with you,

to fly across the ocean
in a steel coffin?

I'm gonna finish that.

It's not you guys.
I love the family.


It just kinda feels like Gloria's
going out of her way...

not to spend time with me.

You don't believe that, do you?

Oh, come on, Dad!
That is so crazy and so adorable.

That woman loves you.

Well, I didn't say
I wasn't lovable.

It's not every wife
that would spend the money
to fly a family to Hawaii.

Okay. Where does
everybody think Gloria's
money comes from?

[Door Buzzes]

So, what kind of business
did you have in Japan?
I've never been to Japan.

You didn't go to Osaka
November 2003 to attend
an electronics trade show?

I was four.

Enough. Why don't you
question the other people
on the gate, huh?

Did you see the old lady
with the cane?

What if she has a ceramic knife
in there that can go through
the metal detector?

And yet you waste your time
harassing a little kid.

Ma'am, you seem to know
an awful lot about sneaking
contraband on to a plane.

Yeah, I'm Colombian.

Have you ever been to Japan?

I would like
to make a phone call.

[Man On P.A.] Ladies
and gentlemen, preboarding
for our flight to Maui...

will begin
in the next few minutes.

Luke, please stop spinning.

Now make the airport
stop spinning.

We made it! Claire!

Oh, my God.
Thank God you're here.

Oh, honey!

I am so sorry.
It was my fault.

It wasn't your fault.
I should have known
what you wanted.

Are you drunk?

And once I spent
a week in Cancún,

which, by the way,
did not live up to the hype.

Can somebody tell me
what the hell is going on?

We're almost done here, sir.

- So you and your son
are traveling together?
- Yes.

Then why are you departing Maui
on different dates?

Well, because he's traveling
back home with his family.


They're only staying for six days.

The rest of the time
it's only you and me.

Mm-hmm. I wanted to spend
some time alone with my husband-

drink cocktails
by the pool, sleep in.

I could not love you any more
than I do right now.

I also found a topless beach.

I was wrong.

Mr. Jackson,
have a great flight.

It's to the left.
Oh, gorgeous!

Oh, thank you.
It's vintage.
Think he meant Lily.

You don't know that.

Hey, there's another hottie
for you at 5:00.

I think he's an artist.

It's whale "watching."

Whale washing.

That's close enough.

Have a good flight, sir.
[Phil] Quick,
do your zombie impression.

She hasn't been
drinking, has she?
Oh, no, no, no.

She's- She's hilarious.
Okay, let's do bride of Frankenstein.

[Lmitating Crashing Noises]

It's so, so good.