Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 21 - Travels with Scout - full transcript

[Rings]

Honeydew! What's up?

Guess who's here.
Your dad!

[Chuckles]
He drove his R.V. All
the way up from Cocoa Beach.

Hey, Son, working hard?

He's gonna say
"Hardly working."
[Chuckles]

I meant to tell you
he was driving out.

Did he say it?
Oh, yeah.

- Good kid.
- He wasn't supposed to
show up for a few more days.

Well, guess what he brought us.

A dog... to keep.



Yes! Yes.

Yes, I should have told
Claire about the dog,
and I was going to.

But I was just waiting for her
to be in the right mood.

Actually, I did get one right mood
a couple nights ago,

but I cashed that in
for something else.

- Am I in trouble?
- Oh, really, really big.

Okay, I'm a little scared.
How bad is this?
Oh, well-

We have a new rule-
no sleeping in the bedroom.
[Chuckles]

Mr. Pritchett.
Uh, Ben- Ben Dugan.

I went to high school with Mitch.
We were in the drama club together.

That's right.
Yeah.

Geez, I didn't
recognize you without
that old-guy makeup on.

You know, you and Mitch
knocked The Sunshine Boys
out of the park.

Mitch was really great in that.
I always thought he should be an actor.



Yeah, he's got a real job now.
He's a lawyer. How about you?

Still acting.
Fantastic.

Actually, it's exciting. I'm in a new movie,
Maple Drive. Just came out.

You're kidding me. Look at me.
I know somebody famous.

Uh, anyway, I got to go.

Great to see you.
Good to see you too.
Yeah.

Kid's a movie star.

Hey, how'd it go in there?
No cavities.

And I got a free toothbrush.
Hey, you want to
go to the movies?

I just heard about a good one.
But I'm supposed to be
in school.

Well, you're supposed to
floss too, but you got
away with that one.

Come on. Let's go.

[Jay]
One of the greatest days of my life...

was when my old man
sprung me from school
and took me to the track.

I wanted to do the same
type of thing for Manny,

plus I figured when
Gloria heard about it, maybe
it pays off in the bedroom.

I wonder if that's
why my old man did it.

Oh, crap.

[Dad] Your mother-in-law
just had to have the dog.

Turns out she's allergic.

And the pet store
didn't have a grace period
or a return policy or anything?

I got him from the pound.

Was there a twister in Kansas?
'Cause there's a house
in my driveway.

Welcome home, Mr. Dunphy.
Uh, always a pleasure,
Mr. Dunphy.

Indeed it is, Mr. Dunphy.
Place it there.

- Oh, I shall. I shall.
- I miss this. Get in here.

[Phil]
My dad is awesome.

He's awesome. He's always up.
He's always happy.

I mean, he and I are best buds.
We're like two peas in a pod.

Or Siamese twins.
Or a snake with two heads.

They've actually been all
those things for Halloween.
Yeah.

Oy. This must be Scout, huh?

I should warn you. He sheds.
I made the mistake of letting
him sleep with me on the road.

Now my sheets look like
two bigfoots did it.
Pardon the language.

[Chuckles]
How's Mom?
Speaking of big feet, eh?

She's on a cruise
with her girlfriends,

some of which are not
totally unattractive.

Oh, that reminds me.
She sent some gifts for the kids.

Um, I will be right back.

- You three get better acquainted.
- Will do!

Bye!
Will do!

I cannot believe you got a dog
without consulting me.

This was a major family decision.

It was wrong.
Yeah.

And I'm sorry.
Mmm.

But we have talked about
getting a dog for years,

and you're the only one
who wasn't into it.

Because I knew that I would be
the one taking care of it.

That's not true.
Uh-

No, we will all help.
Mm-hmm?

This is a great chance to
teach the kids responsibility.

That is exactly what you said
about Luke's paper route.

[Man]
♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

Hello?
♪♪ [Suspenseful]

Is anyone in there?

[Gasps]

[Breathing Heavily]

Red's a good color on you.

[Screaming]

[Whimpers]
[Knife Slashing]

It's just a movie.

[Haley]
Oh, he's so cute.

Look at his little face.
I always wanted a dog.
Thanks, Grandpa.

Okay, but remember, having a dog
is a major responsibility.

Everyone in the family
has to pitch in.

- Can do, Mrs. D.
- Not you, Dylan.

Oh, phew. 'Cause I got
a lot on my plate right now.

[Phil]
Hey, look who's here.
Uncle Cam.

Hey, we heard about
the new addition and we
had to come right over.

Cameron,
so good to see you again.
Now that is a shirt.

Oh, well, thank you, Frank.
I get 'em online.
I'll send you a link.

Oh, well, at home,
I smoke sausages.
I'll send you a link.

[Laughs]
Classic.

And this must be Lily.
Oh, yes.

Aww!
She just couldn't wait
to meet the new doggy.

I think she's good right here.
Let me get in there and get
some of that doggyness.

Oh, there it is.
Haley.

There it is.
I gotta go.

What's wrong?
That was Brian.
He just quit the band.

What? Why?
He's moving to Portland.
His parents got back together.

Oh, that sucks.
I know.

[Dylan]
Now we're gonna have to
cancel the gig tomorrow.

Maybe you can find
another drummer.

No. I think it's
too late for that now.

I play drums.

Huh?
Well, I mean, I haven't
played in a while,

since Lily's come along,
but if you're in a jam, I can jam.

Well, I totally would, but
I'm not sure we like the same
sorts of music, you know?

What, because I'm gay,
I'm just gonna want to
play show tunes?

No, because you're old.

Wow. That hurt more, Dylan.

Give him a chance.
It's better than canceling.

You're right. I don't want to lose
the deposit on that fog machine.

Okay. Let's do it.

I used to be a music teacher,
but I gave that up as soon
as Lily came along.

Yes. Well, we just felt that
it was really important...

that one of us stayed home
to raise her, so-

Yeah, and that's not a judgment
on other people's choices.

It's just that we happen to be
a very traditional family.
Mm-hmm.

Yes, that's what the disabled
lesbian shaman who blessed
Lily's room said too.

How you doin', buddy?
[Whimpers]

All right, relax.

[Sobbing]

[Wailing]

Oh, geez.

I am telling you, Phil,
the man was crying.

That is impossible.
My dad is the happiest guy on earth.

It probably just sounded like
he was crying.

Have you heard the noise
he makes when he gets
out of a chair?

No. I know what I heard.
I think this has something
to do with your mom.

What?
Yeah, he came here alone.
Think about it.

She's on a cruise.
Yeah, and they never take
separate vacations, so-

No. No, if something was wrong,
my dad would tell me about it.

No, Phil, he wouldn't,
because you guys never actually
talk about anything.

We talk all the time.
He crank calls me at work,
like, three times a week.

Crank calls don't count.
Counts for fun.

No, honestly, I think
that you should find out
what's going on with your dad.

It's going to be nothing.
My dad isn't like your dad.

There's nothing
deep and dark inside.

His hard candy shell
is just hiding more candy.

- [Scout Barks]
- I think he wants to go out.
Good boy.

Smart dog.
I hate to break it to you,
but I think all dogs can do that.

I'm gonna play outside.

- [Crash]
- Ow!

Uh! What happened?

[Cameron]
Okay.

Should I just play
a little something?

Yeah. But, you know,
if it doesn't work out,
don't feel bad.

Well, hopefully this is-
this is like riding a bicycle,

and it'll all
come back to me.

♪♪ [Bass Drum]
That's the loud one.

So... here we go.

Hmm.

Oh, silly me.

I had the sticks
in the wrong hands.

Wow.

Dude, you should
label those sticks.

[Clicks Tongue]

[Doorbell Ringing]

[Ringing Continues]

Is that the alarm?
Has our perimeter
been breached?

It's not the alarm.
The doorbell won't stop ringing.

Maybe a demon
is ringing it.
Not a demon.

¡Ay! Who keeps ringing
the doorbell?

We're pretty sure
it's a demon.
Oh, yeah?

[Ringing Stops]
[Grunts]
There.

If it were a demon,
it would keep on ringing.

Not if he's already inside.
I'm getting a weapon.

What were you thinking?

Who takes a little boy
to a horror movie?
That's loco, Jay.

This is no big deal.
You want scary?

When I was his age,
I lived through
the Cuban Missile Crisis.

I slept with a butter knife
under my pillow...

in case I had to fight
some Soviet colonel.

Why would they send
a Soviet colonel
to get a little boy?

Because I could identify
every commie plane.

What are we talking about?

Look, all I'm saying, being
scared is part of growing up.

Manny will get over this.
It builds character.

I'll take the first watch.
You two might as well
get some rest.

It's gonna be a long night.

Character.

Dad?

Come on in!
It's open!
Hey!

Ah, don't tell me.
You need a cup of sugar.

[Chuckles]
Nah. Just, uh-

I was just wondering,
I don't know, uh-

Anything on the old noodle?

Other than a bad toupee?
I'm kidding, of course.
This is my real hair.

Well, okay.
Wait a minute. I want to
ask you something.

Am I putting you
in a bad position with
this whole dog thing?

Claire seemed a little put out.
Oh, don't worry about it.

Claire didn't like me at first either.
I can't blame her. Dismissed!

[Chuckles]
Oh, Dad, um, you know what? I, uh-

Claire saw something,
and she'd kill me if I-
if I didn't ask.

What is it?

Would you wear
pants to breakfast,
for crying out loud?

You got me again.
Right in the funny bone.
All right.

Come on, Scout. Let go of it.
[Growling]

No, no, no! Oh!

Dog. Look at this.

How did he get
ahold of your bra?

Well, uh, we were out on a date,
and he has a really nice car, so-

How do you think?
He got it out of the laundry basket.

Can't take my eyes
off that dog for a second.

- Why don't you just
keep him in the crate?
- I tried that.

He figured out how to get out.
I thought you were dealing
with your dad.

Oh, yeah,
I did. He's fine, so-

Whoa! You got that from
a two-minute conversation?

I... asked him point-blank
if he was okay. He said he was.
So I just-

Just swapped some jokes
and moved on.

Phil, the man needs more
of a push than that.

Look, if he wants to
talk to me about it, he will.

Geez, someone's panties
are in a bunch.

I thought I was
showing concern and-
No. Right there.

Oh, my God!
That damn dog!

Guys, little help?

I have to go to the bathroom,
and I'm not gonna do it in here.

♪♪ [Drumming]

- Hey, I got Chinese.
- Sweet! I'm starving.

- Oh, we have guests.
- Yeah. Hey. We're just
having a little jam session.

You know Dylan.
This is Craig. This is Neil.

I'll always remember him
as the stranger holding my baby.

Can I talk to you
in the kitchen for a second?

Yeah. Hey, guys, let's, uh-
let's just take five.

What's up with
21 Jump Street?

Oh, well, their drummer quit
and I'm gonna fill in for him
tomorrow night.

No, no. We have Pepper's
après-ski fondue party
tomorrow night, Cam.

Oh, no.

So you'll just have to tell
your band that they're gonna
have to find someone else.

You know what? No. I'm not
gonna let these fellas down.
I made a commitment.

You made two
commitments, okay?

And you know how Pepper is.
Everything has to be perfect.

He gets mad if you
don't wear a big sweater.

Yeah, I remember. I got so hot
last year, I almost went face down
in the gruyère.

So I'm going by myself,
is that what you're saying?

[Exhales]
I just feel like I kind of need this.

To round out
your college applications?

It's just that because
I'm always home with Lily...

I just feel like I'm going
a little bit stir-crazy.

Look at the den.
Every time I finish painting it,
I start all over again.

It's like the Golden Gate Bridge.

I'm gonna go back to jamming.

[Grunts, Screams]

Yeah, we gotta fix this.
Ay.

♪♪ [Speakers: Rock]
[Chattering]

Hey, what's with the big
sweater at a concert?
Is that a gay thing?

No, Dad. It's for my friend
Pepper's après-ski fondue-

Yeah. Yeah, it's a gay thing.

Hope they start soon.
I don't think Scout
likes to be left alone.

You love the dog.

No, I don't love the dog.
I love my couch.

And the dog was looking at it
like it was a giant sausage.

Good news, you two.
You're getting your driveway back.

I'm hitting the open road
in the morning.
Oh, already?

Yeah.
Anxious to get home
and see Mom, huh?

No, I'm just gonna drive
wherever the wind blows me,

which is usually
into the next lane.

[Alex]
Can we get some sodas,
Grandpa?

Okay, but just one.
I'm driving. Come on.
[Alex Chuckles]

He's not going home? He's never
been away from my mom for longer
than a doctor's appointment.

Honey, I know.
I told you.

I always felt bad for people
with emotionally distant fathers.

It turns out I'm one of 'em.

It's a miracle
I didn't end up a stripper.

Hey. Thanks, everybody,
for coming out.

These are some songs
we wrote.

One, two.
One, two, three.

♪ Baby, don't leave me
I just want you to know ♪

♪ I want you to know ♪

♪ There's something inside me
that I cannot control ♪

♪ I cannot control ♪

Our boyfriends totally rock!
I know, right?

♪ I heard you screamin' my name
I'm goin' insane ♪

Well, the plan was...

to watch him for 10 minutes
and then run out to Pepper's party.

♪ Coursing through my veins ♪

But he was so great up there.

How-How could I leave?

- ♪ Afraid
But don't be afraid ♪
- Whoo-hoo!

♪ I'll be your vampire ♪

It was his moment.

- ♪ Come on ♪
- Wow!

I know!

♪♪ [Drum Solo]

And his moment went on
for a really, really long time.

♪♪ [Continues]

[Drumstick Clatters]

Turns out I could have run
to the party and made it back
for the end of his moment.

♪♪ [Ends]

Manny, go brush your teeth
and get ready for bed, okay?

Your bed.
Can I watch TV?

Mmm, only 10 minutes.
Okay.

We'll speak
no more of it now.

[Beeps]
Hey, Jay, it's Ben Dugan.
I got your message.

Uh, yes,
I'm happy to help out.
I'll swing by tonight.

What's that?
That's Ben. That's the guy
who was in the movie.

I figure when Manny sees him,
sees how nice he is,
he'll realize it's all pretend.

[No Doorbell]

[Gloria]
You think that will work?
[Jay] Guy's a sweetheart.

Manny's gonna
spend two minutes with him.
He'll explain how the movie's made.

He's even bringing
his fake machete.
Thing's made of rubber.

- You mean you wish to
train here as a novice?
- [Knocking]

Hey, are you Manny?
I'm here for you.

Look what I got.

[Screaming]

Mom, he's here!

¿Qué pasó? ¿Qué pasó?
¿Qué pasó?

[Manny Crying]

¡Ay!

We're gonna need
a bigger bed!

[Knocking]

[Jay]
Oh, geez.

Oh, my God!
I think that's him.

Hey. You stayed.
Yeah.

Well, you know,
I'm-I'm with the band.

I thought the gig was
a little sloppy in spots,

but I think once
I learn all the songs-

I thought- I thought
this was a one-time thing?

Are you kidding?
We destroyed in there.

Did you hear that one lady
screaming my name?

That was Phil.
He had a Red Bull.

Hey, guys. Good gig, huh?

- Yeah. Totally awesome, man.
- Heck of a gig.

Hey, guys.
Hey. I thought you
were in Portland.

No. My parents broke up again.

I'm not moving.
I can stay in the band.

[Chuckles]
Well, this is awkward.

Uh-
Cam.

Oh, awkward for me.

Good luck following that, Ringo.

I believe this belongs to you.

I don't want to drag
the house along with me.
[Chuckles]

Come here,
you little monkeys.

Bye, Grandpa. We'II miss you.

I wish I could
take you with me.

[Alex]
Drive safe, Grandpa.
Oh, I'll try.

You sure you don't want to
stay for breakfast?

No, I ought to be
hitting the road.

Well, adios.

Dad, hold on.
Hmm?

Can I talk to you
for a second?
Sure.

[Whispers]
Guys. Come on.

I don't think you're
being honest with me.

I- I know something
is going on with you.

What's up?

Something up?
Well, my boxers are, uh,
riding a little high.

I'm not in the mood
for jokes right now,
although you nailed that.

Thanks.
Great stuff.

Thanks.

It's nothing.
Oh, it's nothing?

Nothing to do with Mom?
No!

Well, yeah.
I've fallen in love.

Oh, my God.

Who is she?
He!

What?

It's that little guy
right over there.

Come on over here.
Come on.

Come on. There you go.
Ah, look at him.

Driving across country,

this little bastard
nuzzled his way right
into my heart, didn't ya?

So this is just about you
not wanting to leave the dog?
Well, you should tell Mom.

Those three days
on the road with him
were the happiest of my life.

You should leave that part out.

I don't want to keep Scout
if it makes Grandpa sad.

Yeah, I know, sweetie.
But Grandma has allergies,
so Scout has to stay with us.

Well, she could always
just get some allergy shots.

Honey, you don't want to
put her through that.

Hell, back in the day,
I got a vasectomy for her.

Dad. Dad. Please.

Scout's-
Scout's your dog.

He should go with you.

Okay, you twisted my arm.
[Chuckles]

Thanks, Son.
Thanks for poking
through the armor.

You're poking through
the armor down there.
What?

Made you look.
[Laughs]

You are a treasure.

Come on, Scout.
Let's mosey.

Oh, oh, oh! Oh, wait.

He loves that, yeah.
Oh, I bet he does.

No, Scout.
This time I drive.

You still got it!

I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but I think I might have
actually gotten even closer
with my dad.

I can't believe
he took my dog.

Bye-bye.
Bye, Grandpa! Love you!

Bye, Dad.

Bye, Grandpa!
I love you!
[Phil] Luke, stay!

Luke, stay!
Come back soon!
I'll see you later!

Luke, stay!

Luke!
Stay!

♪♪ [Speakers: Rock]
Frank.

Hey, Jay.
Good to see you.

Great to see you.
Didn't expect to find you here.

Well, listen, when
my granddaughter's boyfriend's
band plays an under-21 club...

with my daughter-in-law's
brother's gay partner,
I show up.

That's just how I was raised.

I don't think
you met my wife, Gloria.
Hola.

Oh, it's a pleasure.
You are a lovely woman.

You must be Frank.
Okay, then,

you are hotter than
a Las Vegas sidewalk
on the Fourth of July.

Did I go too far?
Not you, Frank. No.

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