Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Up All Night - full transcript

What's the most irritating thing
my parents say to me?

"That's too much cologne."

"That's how girls
end up dead."

"Don't talk black to me."

"It's inappropriate because
she's your teacher."

How do you
even talk black?

End words with "izzle"?
[Alex]
It's "talk back," you idiot.

Oh.

"Act more like an adult."

What does "act more like
an adult" even mean?

[Laughs]
Look at you, you're soaked!
That is so lame.



You're the one
who wanted to do it!

What are you two doing?

Oh, I picked up one
of those Water Weasels.

You hook it on the end
of the hose and it flies
around in the air.

Just like a weasel.
Yeah. Look at how awesome.
He's so wet.

I put the weasel
in my pants.

He totally did.
[Laughs]
[Alex] Dork!

Is there a reason why
my window's wet?

Hmm. Very difficult to say.
I don't know.

Up top- Ow! Ow!
What's wrong?

Little-
Sweetie, you okay?

Little twinge. Yeah.

- I'll call 911.
- Maybe the firemen will come.

- No, no! No, no!
- [Alex] Give me it!



The firemen in our town have
a reputation for being hot.

Do I resent that? Of course not.
These guys are my friends.

I play basketball with them.
I bake for 'em.

My question is: What's hot?

[Jay]
Come on! Let's go! Let's go!

Coming. Manny, it's inappropriate
because it's your teacher.

What's the big deal
anyway?
[Vehicle Approaches]

It's a surprise.
You'll see.
Oh, my God!

[Gloria]
Ay, Jay, you didn't?
Yes, I did.

I got us into that new Benihana.

They got a chef there that can
flip a shrimp into his own hat.

What the hell?

Dad!
There's my boy!
[Laughs]

The hell is he doing here?
Jay.

No. He was supposed to pick up
Manny yesterday and disappointed
him again, as usual.

Now he just sails in here
out of the blue?

I don't like the guy.
Do I have reasons? Yeah.

Good reasons? Yeah.

How many reasons do I need?
None. I don't like the guy.

[Man]
♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey, hey ♪

♪ Hey, hey
Hey ♪♪

So I would have called,
but while I was buying
this boat for a friend,

- I got chased out to sea by
another boat y "tiqui tiqui".
- Were they pirates?

I didn't stop to ask.
Well, it's not hard to tell.

Did they have curvy swords
and sing songs about how fun
it is to be a pirate?

[Laughing] Wow. Jay.
Such a beautiful house, huh?

So, we were just
headed out to dinner.

What, you think
I show up empty-handed?
I brought dinner- lobsters!

Did you catch them
with your bare hands?
No.

- But I bought them
with my bare hands.
- Wow!

And I have some nice wine,
a good Cuban cigar for Jay.

Hey, why don't you take a picture of him
with your new camera phone.

- I don't have a camera phone.
- You do now.

Awesome!
All of this excitement,
my heart is just going.

Now, listen to me.
You bring that with you when
you come visit me this summer.

We'll go in a race car
with my friend, and after
that, maybe a bullfight.

I know all these guys.
The matadors, they're like artists.

You're quite the bullfight
artist yourself.

I, uh- Manny, why don't you
show your father to the kitchen?

Por favor. Dios mío.
Someone put on some music.

- Tonight, we dance!
- Oh, we're gonna dance.

Oye, mi amor, ¿está bien
que me quede aquí esta noche?

Ay, Javier, yo no sé.
Espérate para ver
qué puedo hacer.

What did he say?
Does he need money
for the lobsters?

Jay, be nice.
"Be nice."

I could be sitting grill-side,
watching a guy build
an onion volcano.

Instead, I got Rico Suave in
my kitchen, and I got a stolen
boat in my driveway.

If it was for me,
he'd be out of my life.

But it's good for Manny
to be with his father.

I just can't believe
you ever fell for that act.

Colombians can be
very persuasive.

They can make you agree to
things before you even know it.
You must have been pretty naive.

Yeah. But now I'm with
the right man, okay?
Right.

Javier is only going to
stay one night.
Good.

Wait, what?

[TV, Indistinct]
[Sniffling]

Don't be mad.
I just got up to change her.
[Sniffles]

Well, Mitchell really wanted
to Ferberize the baby.

Ferberize. It is a method
of getting the baby to sleep
through the night...

by, yes, basically letting her
cry herself to sleep.

Torture.
It's not torture, Cam.

It's just hard if you happen to
be a person who hates to hear
another person suffer.

[Sobbing]
[Lily Crying On Monitor]

[Mitchell]
Or two people suffer.

[Wailing]
[Crying Continues]

No, no. You got up to comfort her,
which only teaches her that
every time she cries,

her daddy will come in and cuddle her
and put on her favorite-

[Chainsaw Whirring]
What are we watching?

Brian De Palma's controversial
masterpiece Scarface.

[Machine Gun Fire]
For the baby?

She happens to like it.
I don't know if it's
the colors or the sounds-

Oh, here comes
the nightclub massacre.
She loves it.

Watch her little eyelids.
It's so cute. They get so heavy.

[Phil]
Oh, that's bad.

Oh, honey.
I'm fine.
No, I'm fine.

I'm just-
Okay, that's cancer.

Maybe it's just
a kidney stone.
"Just," Claire?

- What's going on, guys?
- It's nothing. Go back to bed.

No, but Dad-
Don't touch me.

I bet it's just
a kidney stone.
"Just" again.

Someone get your mom
a glass of water...

and a piece of gravel
from the driveway
and see how she likes it.

Why is everybody yelling?
Something's wrong with Dad.

Don't frighten him.
Come here.

Oh, that's gotta be death!
Death is coming!

Okay, you need to
go to the hospital.
Yeah.

No, no, no. I just need a pill.
Give me the biggest one
you can find.

Honey, breathe.
Just-Just breathe.

That's what I told you when you
were in labor and you threw
my smoothie at me. Pill!

- Okay, I'm calling.
- No, no, it's fine!

It's actually- It's fine.
It's passing. It's passing.

I am sorry to alarm everyone.
I think I was probably
just overreacting,

because there's an alien
inside of me!

[Haley]
Oh, my God.

[Phil]
Oh, close it down.
I am definitely gonna call.

All systems down.
All systems down.

[Billiard Balls Clacking]

Son of a bitch.
What's the matter?

He's playing on my pool table,
that's what.

Probably got himself
a nice drink too.
Where you going, Jay?

Just to check
things out, okay?
Come on.

You hear that?
Now he's messing around
with my remote control.

You can't hear that from here!
[Clicks Tongue]

Hey, there.
Hey, Jay. Listen, I'm sorry.
Did I wake you up?

No. No,
I'm a light sleeper.

That's what happens
when you get older.
Oh, you're not old.

I didn't say I was old.
I never sleep
much anyway.

Life is just more
interesting after 2:00 a.m.

You know, the liquor tastes
better, the, uh, women
are more beautiful.

What is it they say?
That the night belongs
to the poets and the madmen.

[Both Chuckling]

Which are you?
Perhaps both.

And I think maybe
you too, huh?

I see a picture over here
of you on a motorcycle.

You ride?
I used to.

Used to? Used to?

Jay, the saddest words
in any language, my friend.
Yeah.

Hey, help me out here.
Everybody sees you
as this great guy.

You know, you live
this life of adventure.

How come I don't
buy a word of it?

All I see is a dad
who doesn't show up.

Hey, Manny knows me.
I live in the now.

Well, I was living in the yesterday
when Manny was crying
outside that door...

'cause you didn't show up
for the 10th time.

And when I don't come,
you think, uh- what, I'm just
off chasing a good time, hmm?

You ever think it might be hard
for me, coming here?

Why?
Because of Gloria?

Because of you.

[Lily Crying On Monitor]

[Wailing]

[Mitchell]
Cam!

[Phone Beeps]
Okay, they're on their way.

Okay, kids, gather around.
Like you're hugging me,
but don't touch me, okay?

Now look,
I'm gonna be fine.

- We know, Dad.
- We don't know that.
It's a miracle I'm standing up.

But look, in case
anything happens-
[Groans, Exhales]

I want you to know
that if I'd had time,
I would have fixed that step.

Thanks, Dad.
I love you.

[Crying]
Don't cry, Luke.
I'm okay.

I broke the coffee table!

That's okay. What?

I broke the glass coffee table.
The one you swore
you didn't break,

and then we blamed Esperanza
and fired her...

and she stole a turkey at
Thanksgiving for her family
and got deported?

Yeah.
Damn it!

I'm sorry.
[Groaning]
You will be sorry!

[Doorbell Rings]
[Haley]
They're here!

Really?
Okay-

[Exhales]
Did you hear that?

Hmm.
Luke broke the-

- Hey, you changed your clothes.
- Well, I had- I had to get dressed.

Into that sexy, clingy-
Oh, my God. It's the firemen.

No, sweetie.
And lipstick!

I'm out here convulsing
in agony and you're looking
for cute tops to wear?

I just threw on the first
thing I could find.

We got a minute, if you wanna
try on some tighter jeans-
[Groans]

Oh, Phil, sweetie.
Oh, no.

By all means, Claire,
we want you
looking your sexiest...

when the hunky,
gay firemen get here!

How we doing?
We're great.

- He meant me! Ohh!
- All right.

[Crying]

[Mitchell]
Cameron!

No, listen, Jay. You're
a tough guy to compete with.
Look at all you have.

So Manny has to suffer?
No. You're right.

Look,
I'm going to try harder.

But maybe it's a good thing
that he has the two of us.

From you,
he learns stability.

From me, he learns
how to be spontaneous,
grab life by the throat.

Well, we do a little throat grabbing
ourselves around here, you know.

We were on our way to Benihana
when you showed up.

Hey, as long as my boy
follows his passion.

The worst career decision I ever
made was playing baseball,
but I loved every minute of it.

You played baseball?
[Scoffs]

I lived baseball.

I only made it to Triple-A,
but I played with all
those guys- Sosa, McGwire.

You look like
you played some.
I played in high school.

I was all right.
Never hit a curve ball.

So that's a dream of yours?
To- To hit a curve?
Used to be.

"Used to be." Ugh.
Por favor.
I said that again, right?

Hey, please. Come on.
You're right,
I shouldn't say that.

- What are you guys doing?
- Manny, did we wake you up?
I'm sorry.

No. I was doing
my science extra credit.

- Of course you were.
- So, can I play?

That's up to your dad.

Actually, I think we're done
with pool for right now.

I have a better idea
for the three of us. Vamos.

So, how do you
know this guy?
He owes me a little favor.

[Circuit Breakers Thump]

This is the coolest night ever!

Now, let's see about
that curve ball.

[Crying]

Out.
I thought you were-

Those were pillows.
Come on. Come on.

[Groaning]
Cameron, do you realize
how infuriating this is?

The whole point
of Ferberizing...

is to teach her
to put herself to sleep,
and you keep ruining it.

I can't help it.
I'm like a mother bear.

When I hear my cub crying,
I have to run to her.

Except you're not a bear.
Get in our room.

Get- Cam, get in there.
Get in there.

Cut it out.
All the way- Our room.

Get! Get in there.

Come on. Come on.
Get in there. Get!

[Siren Wailing In Distance]

That's so unfair.
Why not?

Because that's how girls
end up dead.

- Hey, honey.
- Hey, guys.

We just wanted to see
how you're doing.
Is this a bad time?

No, we're just giving him
something to relax
before the procedure.

Which is gonna
go just fine.

- Oh, we know.
- We don't know.

In case it doesn't,
promise me you'll be nice
to your new fireman daddy.

- Unbelievable.
- My wife got dressed up
for the firemen last night.

I didn't get dressed up
for the firemen.
Those heels were really hot.

- You put on heels?
- Let's drop it.

What are they
doing to you, Dad?

I have a little scratchy rock
inside of me and they're sliding
in a tube and sucking it out.

You're not scared,
are you?

When was the last time
you saw your old man scared?

When you walked through
the spiderweb.

When we were playing with
the Ouija board and the wind
blew the door shut.

There was no wind, buddy.
We brought something forth.

Oh. This stuff's
really hitting me.

My insides feel like velvet.

Why don't you guys wait
out in the hallway, okay?

Feel better, Dad.
I will.

- Love you, Dad.
- Love you.

- [Haley] Love you.
- Luke, buddy, hold back a sec.

This is not
gonna happen, okay,

but there is a scenario
where you could be
the man of the house...

and you need to know all
the PIN numbers and passwords.

741-
I don't wanna be
the man of the house.

Now, don't talk black to me.
Honey, your dad's gonna be fine.

Why don't you wait out in the hall.
He'll be fine, okay?

Honey, I'm just gonna
run them to school.
I'll be back right after.

Okay. Claire?
Yeah.

You did get dressed up,
didn't you?

I pulled on the first thing
I saw, okay?
Okay, I'll drop it,

'cause this stuff
is making me fall asleep.

And if I never wake up,
I'd hate for the last thing you
ever said to me to be a lie.

[Whispering]
I might have gotten dressed up
just a tiny bit.

- I knew it.
- Oh, damn it!

[Gloria]
Manny, we're gonna be
late for school.

Why are you so tired today?

Any reason
I can't take him?

I'm surprised you're up.
I know what time you
went back to bed.

Oh, it was nothing.
We just went out,
we hit a few balls.

And you'll never guess where.
I guess Javier knew a guy.
And you know what?

Now that he knows you, the next
time he needs something,
you are the guy.

Ay, Dios mío.
Did you took him with you?

You couldn't wait to get
to school to do that?

Manny, vámonos para el colegio.
Let's go. We're gonna be
so late. Vámonos.

Vamos a llegar tardísimo, Manny,
¿qué te pasa? Get in the car.

I thought you said
you wanted me to bond
with Javier.

I said be nice, Jay.
I didn't say take Manny up
all night and play games.

Then we got hot dogs.
Ay. Go to sleep!

If I wanted to be married
to a wild man, I would have
stayed with Javier.

[Horn Honking]

Aha! ¿Qué pasa?

- Dad!
- [Gloria] Por dios, no.

[Jay]
What the hell?

[Laughs]

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.
You're not leaving, are you?
I've got school.

- What? School?
- Yes, school.

That's where people go to
learn things, like not to
keep children up all night.

- He told her?
- He's weak.

Well, listen, you said you used
to like riding motorcycles, right?
So I brought you one.

- I know. But I kind of got work-
- [Scoffs] Work.

- Go, Jay.
- Yeah, go.

Yes, go, Jay, and take
Manny with you too!

Okay.
No, Manuel Alberto!

In the car
or I put you in the trunk!

Jay, I'm not
gonna argue anymore.

I'm not gonna say anything else.
Do whatever you want.

But I don't wanna hear you
any more saying that
Colombians are crazy,

'cause you're the one
that is acting crazy,

even though he's the one
that is making you act crazy.

So I don't know what the hell
I'm talking about! Manny!

[Lily Crying On Monitor]

You didn't need to come
home during nap time.

Mmm. Think we proved
last night that I did.

Well, she's back there now,
so why don't you go,
so you don't get in trouble.

That's okay.
I told everyone that I have
an unreliable partner,

and, uh, they understood.

You know what?
I don't need to sit here
and be condescended to.

I'm gonna make myself
an ice tea.
I will bring you down.

- You can't bring me down.
- I'll sweep your legs.

[Crying Continues]
There's something
wrong with you...

that the sound of our child
in such distress doesn't
bother you more.

She's not in distress,
and this just proves that you
need this more than she does.

I'm Ferberizing two babies.

Raccoons slipped
into the Lawsons' home
and stole a loaf of bread.

- Your point?
- That we left Lily's
window open a crack,

and those raccoons need something
to put between that bread,

and that is Lily's
"help me" cry.
[Wailing]

I'm coming for you, Lily.
No, you're not.

You are not coming, Cameron.
Let me go!
Hey, stop it!

Let go! Get off me!
What are you doing?

Stop!
I will not stop.

Stop being such a baby.
I'm coming for you!

Ow!
Ow! Ow! Oh.

What?
Oh, my ankle.

My ankle.
[Wailing]

[Footsteps Approaching]
[Door Opens, Closes]

¡Ay! I guess you didn't kill yourself
in the motorcycle today.

Well, I figured
you were looking forward
to killing me,

so I'm not gonna
take that away from you.

[Chuckles]

Hey, did Javier call you?
No, why?

He's dragging me to this bar
with some of his old
baseball pals.

He was supposed to
be here at 5:00.

Ah, he's dragging you, huh?
Yeah.

I figured it would be okay.
I've seen half these guys play.

Javier says it's cool.

What?
What's the joke?
Nothing.

It's just funny to me...

that you make fun of me
because I was seduced by him,
but here you are-

No one is getting seduced.

I'm doing this for Manny.

Yeah, it's very important for Manny
that you two go and have
a nice picnic in the mountains.

First of all,
it wasn't a picnic.
We stopped for coffee.

They just happened to be
selling crepes.

Listen. Let me know
when he calls, all right?

Geez, it's almost 6:00.

[Snickers]

[Claire]
The kids are so excited
for you to come home.

Oh, me too.
Yeah, Luke made you a sign.

Oh, he's a sweetie.
Yeah. You seem great.

I am great.
Good.

Except for that
fireman thing.

You remember it?
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, okay. Look, I am sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Ah, no.

There's no excuse for it.

I think I just spend so much time
in dowdy mom clothes,

and I'm covered in paste
and peanut butter,

and I just- I wanted to feel attractive
for a second, you know?

I'm sorry. I really-

Honey, I just need
a little bit of time.

Gonna be fine.
Okay.

Yeah.
Okay.

I was already fine with it.

Here's the deal:
Claire messed up.
She owed me.

This never happens.

Old Phil has a golden ticket.

Now, I could have cashed that in
right away for something small-

get out of cleaning the garage,
a week at circus camp.

Still fresh.
Yeah.

But the longer you hold on to it,
the more the guilt builds,

the more you get.

Five years: Trip to Paris
with my buddies.

Ten years:
Sweet little convertible.

Twenty years:

Hello, fully articulating,
five-function robot...

that can read my mind
and has feelings.

Phil, you're not leaving without
saying good-bye, are you?

Hey, Elaine.

Is this your husband?
Uh-huh.

- Good-bye, Paris.
- I'm visiting my sister...

and he was entertaining us all
afternoon with his card tricks.
[Claire] Oh.

- Is that Phil?
- Hey. [Chuckling]

Hey, Mom,
Phil's leaving.

- Without a hug?
- [Chuckles] Wow.

Good-bye, fully articulating,

five-function robot
with the ability to- Good-bye.

Brittany, hurry, honey.
Phil's leaving.

[Wheelchair Jostles]
Ow.

You're fine.

- How's your ankle?
- It's cold.

- I'm sorry I hurt you.
- No. No, don't be. I-

I could have just
as easily hurt you.

Well, it's cute
that you think that.

Listen, Cam, I- I can't
always be the bad cop here.

I-I know it's my issue,
but she can't grow up with
one huggy, happy, cuddly dad...

and one frowny,
lesson-teachy dad.

Because guess which one
she's gonna ask to walk her
down the aisle.

Uh- Y-
Okay, you know what?

I can be the bad cop
sometimes.

I'll always make her eat
her vegetables.

- Okay. Dentist.
- Deal.

- Good.
- As long as you make her
practice her violin.

Oh, yeah. The violin.
I like that.

- And we're both walking her
down the aisle.
- [Winces]

Assuming you can
walk by then.

Ow!
Do you need to go to
the hospital for that?

No, God. No, no.
It's not that bad.

Oh, you meant call 911,
didn't you?

[Together]
Firemen.

Yeah, you call, and I'm
gonna change my shirt.

So, if I'm supposed to
act like an adult,

is that act like adults
I see in the world-

- [Both Shouting]
- Or the adults in my family?

[Shutter Clicks]

'Cause if it's the ones
in my family-

Come on. Let's go.
All right.

Then...

how hard could that be?

[Screams]

Doing the card tricks at
the hospital really got me
fired up about my magic again.

[Blows]
Is this your card?

Yes. Oh, my gosh.

It's- It's not, is it?

[Clears Throat]
No, uh, no. It's not.

The hardest part is when people
forget their card, because then
I look like the idiot.

All right.
Let's do it again.
We really have to go.

You think I like this?
I'm sorry. Here.
I'm gonna teach you one, okay?

On the count of three,
just grab this. You ready?

Put your hand out.
Okay.

One, two, three.
There it is.

No. What was that?
Wow.

[Mitchell]
Thank you.

[Phil]
Are you kidding me?

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