Modern Family (2009–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Undeck the Halls - full transcript

Do we really have to wear
these ugly sweaters?

It's just until Grandma
can see them.

- My neck hole is too small.
- Mine's itchy, you know what?

I'd rather be itchy than choky.

- Come on, Phil. Hurry up.
- Okay, here we go.

Connecting.

Come in, Florida! Over!

Mom? Dad?

Hello, Phillip.

Merry Christmas eve!

Merry Christmas eve!



A little lower, Dad.

Merry Christmas eve.

Thank you.
Thanks for the sweaters!

Oh, you're welcome.
You look beautiful in them, darling.

- Where's Mom?
- Mom is sinking fast.

She's in the bathtub.

- They have that claw foot.
- Honey, come on!

Hey, Pops, here's the tree.

There's the ornament you sent us.

Right here.
Right here.

There are the stockings,

hung by the chimney by Claire.

Oh, still funny, son.

What the hell is that?



What's that? It's like a cigarette burn.
Was one of you smoking a cigarette?

Which one of you was smoking?

- Not me. I have a respiratory problem.
- Obviously, it wasn't you.

Now I've got a family of liars

- and smokers.
- Honey, you got to see this.

Did you shoplift
your Christmas presents, too?

- Haley, keep that ugly sweater on.
- Anyway...

Merry Christmas!

Subtitles by Tyno & Kevin

No, no, it isn't
that kind of a trial.

It's just because he says
he's Santa Claus.

But I've got a feeling
he is Santa Claus, Mother.

Some people don't believe that.

- Are you crying?
- What are you, a robot?

It's a deeply emotional movie.

Manny, mi amor, I need you
to help me in the kitchen.

We got to finish this first. The kid's
never seen "Miracle on 34th street."

That's because he always spends
Christmas in Colombia with my family.

And all we see there is
"Salazar and El Oso save Christmas."

- Sounds like a classic.
- It is.

Can we finish the movie?

He's not like anyone else,

he must be Santa.

I think perhaps you're right, Susie.

What the hell is that?
What the hell is that?

- Inocente!
- What the hell?

When you told me we were going
to watch this movie,

I got a joke copy from the internet.
You are the inocente!

Maybe I'm a little confused right now.
What is this inocente stuff?

In Colombia, practical jokes
are a Christmas tradition.

The one that is fooled
is the inocente!

We tell practical jokes
on April Fool's day.

Do not do that again.

Inocente.

Does it do it again?
Ah, it's ruined.

Are you kidding me with this line?
I'm gonna ask Santa for the last

- 45 minutes of my life back.
- Would you cheer up?

We're in Santa's village with
our daughter. Where were we a year ago?

- We were at the beginning of this line.
- Okay, you know what?

Somebody needs to get
in the holiday... Son of a bitch.

Maybe it's not them.

Oh, it's them.

It's them.

Three years ago,
I formed a caroling group.

We were known as "The Greensleevers,"
performing at charity events, hospitals.

- And they were very, very popular.
- Last year,

one of my carolers,

Andrew...

staged a little coup.

And, he, um...

Cameron was kicked out.

Thank you.

We're The New Greensleevers.

The New Greensleevers.
Is there a slap mark on my face?

Why is Edna singing the low harmony?
People are applauding out of shock.

Let it go.

- Okay, next.
- Oh, finally.

I'm sorry. Can I... Could you...
What happened to the other Santa?

We've been waiting
in this line for a long time,

and we just want a Santa
that actually looks like Santa.

- It's okay.
- No, it's not okay.

This is Lily's first Christmas, I want
to make sure everything's perfect.

We're gonna wait for
the fat Santa, alright?

I knew this would happen.
I don't even know why we hired this guy.

See? Even his elves
agree with me. Thank you.

I didn't know Christmas
made you so petty.

Lackluster!

I hate you!

This is unacceptable,
and I want to know who did this.

Nobody, huh?

I guess the couch did it to itself.

It came home after a tough day, lit up
a cigarette and then burnt itself.

Is that what happened?
Because that makes no sense.

If whoever's responsible doesn't come
forward, we'll punish all three of you.

- What?
- That's not fair.

I can forgive the smoking,
but I can't forgive the lie...

or the smoking.

No one wants to confess?

That's fine, because you know
what happens next?

We cancel Christmas.

- That's not fair.
- Okay, Dad, sure.

Phil has a habit of making
big pronouncements to the kids.

One time, I told Luke that if he didn't
put his dirty dishes in the dishwasher,

we would put them in his bed.

Phil's problem is...

follow-through.

We had no more dishes, so we were
eating cereal out of the goldfish bowl.

Okay, guess where I'm headed.

To take down the tree.

- Right, this is your last chance.
- Come on, guys.

Whoever it is, just take responsibility.
Don't put the rest of us through this.

This is really it.

Here we go.

Three... two... one...

Goodbye, Dunphy Christmas.

- I guess you're not getting that car.
- I was getting a car?!

No, I was lying, because that's
what we do now. Dunphys are liars.

When I was in charge,
it was all about the music.

I mean, what's with them tossing out
candy canes after every carol?

It's pandering.

- You made it clear by tossing 'em back.
- How can I get all this in the car?

- Let me give you a hand with that.
- Thanks. Thanks, Santa.

Can't call me that anymore.

Just got canned.

Oh. Really?

People complained
I wasn't fat enough.

Well, that's terrible.

It's what I get for trying
to avoid a 2nd heart attack.

There you go.

Always a way to make room. Take it
from someone who lives in his car.

- Well, thank you so much.
- No problem.

- Merry Christmas.
- Wait, wait.

Let me give you a little something.

- For your troubles.
- It's okay. Really, that's okay.

- Do you really live in your car?
- Yeah, it's not so bad.

It's pretty roomy
since the wife moved out.

Why don't you come over
to our place for dinner tonight?

- Seriously?
- Yeah, it's Christmas eve.

You can't spend it in your car.

Wow, that's really nice of you guys.
Listen, can I bring anything?

Ketchup, soy sauce, straws?

We're good.

- Why don't you follow us to our house?
- In your house.

All right.

What?

Tonight, 9:00 sharp,
we open one present each...

Pajamas, which we sleep in.

Tomorrow morning, 7:00 a.m.,

Manny on the stairs
for the Christmas picture.

Then...

We open presents.

In Colombia, they open presents
at midnight and stay up till morning.

I'm sure they do, but as you'll notice
from the absence of goats in the street,

we are not in Colombia.

Come on, I'm kidding.

Why can't we mix a couple
of Colombian traditions in?

- Like what?
- Like fireworks.

You don't have fireworks in Colombia.
You're making me the inocente again.

No, we do. At night, the sky
is beautiful, very Christmasy.

- That doesn't make any sense.
- Every country has their own tradition.

In our culture, for example,
the baby Jesus is

the one that brings the gifts,
not the Santa Claus.

That doesn't make sense.

How could a newborn baby
carry all those presents?

- They don't know where their hands are.
- A baby can fit through a chimney.

How would you sit on baby Jesus' lap?
You'd squish it.

Manny, next year, we'll talk about
some of your Colombian traditions, okay?

- Maybe.
- I know what "maybe" means.

It's like you're trying
to take away my whole Christmas.

I can't believe it's all gone.

Dad never follows through.

Are you sure one of your friends
didn't burn the couch?

Don't look at me. Only one of us
was ever caught playing with matches.

- That was a year ago. Admit you did it.
- You admit you did it!

Look, I have an idea.

Do you remember the movie
"Spartacus"?

Here's what we do. Luke,
you tell Mom and Dad it's your fault.

I didn't do it.

It doesn't matter,
because after you confess,

Haley and I will each confess
to the same thing.

How does that do anything?

They'll be so touched
that we're protecting each other

that they'll have
to bring back Christmas.

That's awesome.

How does it work again?

We're gonna pass into legend.

- The parents who canceled Christmas.
- I thought you'd be happy.

They'll write songs about us,

make one of those Christmas specials
with those ugly little clay people.

You're the one who always says I should
not be such a pushover with the kids.

So this is where you decide
to make your stand?

- Really, Phil?
- Okay, look, don't worry.

We're going to have Christmas.
We raised our kids right.

Whoever did it will come forward...
Or the other two will rat them out.

Mom? Dad?

What can we do for you?

I did it.

I was playing with matches.
I'm sorry.

You did the right thing
by confessing, but...

This is bad, buddy.
I mean, really bad, okay?

Claire, you want to handle this?

Luke, why didn't you say something?

I don't know.

Okay, well, your father and I
are extremely disappointed in you.

Go up to your room.

Go on.
We'll be up to talk to you in a minute.

- What?
- Say something!

- About what?
- I take it back!

- What is going on?
- They were gonna say they did it, too,

- and you were gonna be proud of us.
- Why would we do that?

- I don't know what to believe with him.
- Liars! I didn't do it!

- Well, it wasn't me.
- Don't look at me.

- Seriously?
- Wait.

Nobody did it again?

No, that's fine.

Guess what.
Christmas is still canceled.

That's fine by me.

I'll start working on next year.

Hey, and memo
to New Year's eve and Easter...

Watch your back!

So, after I left the marines,
I just kind of traveled the world.

Now I go from town to town
picking up odd jobs.

Kind of like the Hulk.

That's weird.
That was my nickname in the Corps.

Because of my bad temper.

Anyway, thanks for having me over

and having me for dinner,
letting me do my laundry.

This has not been a good day.

Scott, I have a confession to make.

I didn't clean the lint tray,

so your clothes
might be a little pilly.

No problem. That's the least
of my worries. Thanks for everything.

- You guys made my day.
- It's the least we could do.

- What do you mean?
- I don't know...

what I was saying.

I just say we never tell him.

Exactly. We give him some money,

a hot meal, laundry.
I think we're square.

Agreed.
Okay, how does this thing work?

I think you just press that button
right there in the middle.

Oh, my...

- That seems a little high.
- I'm not putting Lily in that.

It's like something
astronauts train in.

Ho, ho, ho! It's me!
Ho, ho, ho! It's me!

It's your dad.

Hey, Dad.

- I brought your presents.
- Aren't we seeing you tomorrow, Jay?

These are your Christmas eve gifts.
You open those up before bedtime.

They're pajamas.

- Still keeping traditions alive.
- Someone has to.

I got two Colombians at home trying
to turn Christmas into Cinco de Mayo.

- You know that's Mexican, right?
- Ah, burrito, bur-right-o.

Christmas should be Christmas.

Picture on the stairs, hot chocolate,
opening the presents.

That was supposed to be the good thing
about having a kid in the house again.

I can have Christmas
the way we used to.

I hear you, Jay. If I was home
right now, I'd be mixing up

a bathtub full of eggnog and trying to
squeeze a greased hog into a Santa hat.

- You don't think I miss that?
- Do you?

The point is

that those are memories
that I'll always have, but now I have

the perfect opportunity to create
new memories with my new family

that are gonna be
just as special someday.

Cam's right.
We create new traditions every year.

Who's ready to try the swing?

Now, remind me,
we put this in the oven

first thing tomorrow.
Because Jay wants to eat at 3:00.

Did you put this spider
in the fridge?

Inocente.

Oh, papi, what's wrong?

I want to have Christmas
like they do in Colombia.

Jay is messing everything up.

Manny, try to understand.

Jay has great memories with
his kids when they were young.

He just wants
to re-create them with you.

So, maybe the best gift
I could give Jay

would be Christmas
like he used to have it?

You're such a beautiful boy.

One day, you'll grow up and I'll miss
things you used to do as a little boy.

Okay,

but if this so-called Santa Claus does
not bring me a Burgundy dinner jacket,

we're going to have a big problem.

Honey?

Would it really be so bad
to back down?

And have the kids never take
any of our threats seriously again?

Or the kids could realize

that we're making
a supreme sacrifice

by giving up our power
to save their Christmas.

Which would, in a way, be the greatest
gift that we could ever give them.

Which would paradoxically
make them respect us even more.

- Forget that. Go back one.
- Hey, guys.

- It was me.
- What?

I found a cigarette at school,

and when no one was home,
I tried it,

and I guess I held it
too close to the couch.

I'm so sorry.

You can take my Christmas away,
but don't take it from everyone else.

That is very noble of you
to care about the family,

but you still smoked and lied.

That's really bad.

Now help me grab the tree.

Alex, come on back.

Starting December 26th,
you are grounded for a full week,

and that includes New Year's eve.

- But I was go...
- No, non-negotiable, so...

Fine.

Everybody!

It's official!

Christmas is back on!

- It is? What happened?
- Doesn't matter!

Stockings, lights,
ornaments, wreath!

Go, go, go!

That sounds like
a stressful job to me.

Not as much as you'd think. They always
made sure one of us had a blank,

so nobody knew
who took the fatal shot.

This was mighty tasty.

I don't want to overstay my welcome
or you won't have me back.

You guys enjoy the rest of your night.
You're good people.

Scott, wait.

Wait.

Don't forget your laundry.

Oh, thanks. Thanks, thanks,
thanks. Merry Christmas.

Scott, merry Christmas to you, too,
and happy... Son of a bitch!

- What?
- It's The New Greensleevers.

Cameron's old caroling group.
They kicked him out this year.

It is one thing
to kick me out of the group,

but to rub my nose in it?

I'm turning on the sprinklers.

Wait, wait, wait.

I know it feels good
to get even, believe me.

To see the fear
in a man's eyes is...

But there's something
that feels even better.

Forgiveness.

Scott, you don't understand.

This group was my "Dreamgirls."
I was Effie.

Do you know what the best thing
I did all day was?

Forgiving you for getting me fired.

Ensemble.

I know it's no accident

that you're here
on my street tonight.

I just wanted to say
to you all that you sound great.

And... Merry Christmas.

- Even your apology is off-key.
- Not cool, buddy.

Well, I should probably scoot.

But... What about...

What about forgiveness?

You were nice.
He was naughty.

Where were you for so long?

Just a little last-minute shopping.

- What's this?
- Bu?uelos.

- Who? What?
- Cheese fritters.

It's a Colombian traditional
Christmas food.

Okay, new rule.
From now on,

we do Colombian things
when we're in Colombia.

We do American things

when we're in America.
No more of your food,

no more of your music, and especially
no more of your crazy holidays!

Inocente!

Did I say it wrong?
You two are total inocentes.

You should see the look
on your faces.

And by the way, you know how hard
it is to get fireworks on Christmas eve?

Go, Manny.

Thank you.

And here's another one for Luke.

- Looks like a book.
- I have a book already.

What is that?

Oh, my God.
The couch is smoking.

It's sunlight.

- It's the ornament.
- Cool.

It's like a magnifying glass.

How weird is that? It's burning a hole
in the exact same spot

that Alex was smoking in.

- Why'd you take the blame?
- I didn't want to lose Christmas.

That is so stinking beautiful.

Get in here.

Bear hug!

You were going to take Christmas away
for something that none of us did.

- Christmas is about moving forward.
- I've never heard that.

Actually, you did kind of
shoot your mouth off.

- You called us all liars.
- You took away the biggest holiday...

- Yeah, you did.
- I don't know.

Let's not all get worked up.

I made a mistake.

I made a mistake.

People make mistakes.

And they make up
for those mistakes...

by taking their family...

to Italy!

We talk a lot about
tradition this time of year.

But as much as we love
our traditions,

sometimes our best memories
come from the times that are the most

untraditional.

We remember the year
Mom and Dad went crazy.

We remember the year
Santa punched out the caroler.

But for me,

this was the year that
the word "tradition"

got a lot bigger.

There's Cam.

Oh, you did it again.

You got me again.