Mock the Week (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

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Hello and welcome to Mock
the Week. I'm Dara Ó Briain.

The big news this week: Michael Jackson
has been found innocent of all charges.

As each not guilty verdict was read out,

one fan outside the court released white doves.

Well, they weren't really doves.

They were black birds
with a rare skin disease.

As the verdicts are read out, an
emotional Jackson reached for a tissue.

You's really think he's find a
more tactful way of celebration.

This week George Bush welcome the
leaders of Ghana, Nigeria, Botswana

Mozambique and Namibia to the white house,



although there was an
awkward moment when he said,

"Hey you, those lawns
won't mow themselves, you know?"

The US claim they can't afford more
money for Africa, as all the spare cash has

been allocated to the defense
budget by George Bush

to guard against a very real threat

from North Korea, Iran
and of course, the Sith.

Joining me tonight to work the way through
a series of satirical games are 6 of the country's

finest comedy performers: John
Oliver, Rory Bremner and Al Murray,

Jo Brand, Hugh Dennis and Frankie
Boyle. Welcome to you all.

Let's kick off with a
round called Headliners.

I show the teams the photo
of someone who's been

making the news this week,

along with the initial letters
of a newspaper headline.

The teams have to tell me
what the letters stand for.



Here's a picture of Michael Jackson.

What does J.F.N.G. stand for?

Is it "Jackson's Face Needs Grouting"?

"Jackson Finds Nose Gone."

"Juvenile Fears Now Grow"?

"Jury Found in Neverland Garden."

"Jackson Found Near Grimsby."

He's starting a new life.

He lives a life in Grimsby or
Grimethorpe, possibly, where he,

he decided to join the Colliery Band,

'cause he likes being near minors.

Great!

You know, he's now sort of have a website
in a wristband that says "Make Puberty History"?

This is...for legal reasons, he was
found innocent, by the way.

- No, no, no. - Yeah, we're not
disputing that, are we?

and actually I think what they
meant was not guilty enough.

Did you see the bit after
the verdict came out,

when announcer in the BBC went,

"At least Jackson can now get
back to living a normal life."

As he rides out of the
courtroom on a talking gorilla.

I was hoping that he's

found guilty just so you could see people

outside with those banners
saying "I love Michael", just

gradually and awkwardly
putting them down.

"I'll leave that there."

Slowly taking off the one white glove...

"Get off, get off, damn it's
stuck, stuck on my hand!"

They seemed to all calm down that one juror
that said, "I just didn't like the way that

- the mother of the boy clicked her
fingers at me." That's not enough. - Oh yeah.

He would have actually been found
guilty if he was black, I reckon.

I'll give you a clue, the J stands for Jackson.

- Is it "found not guilty"? - Yes.

It is, of course, the answer is 'Jackson
Found Not Guilty'. Well done, Hugh.

Give him a bit of applause.

It's of course referring to the news that
Michael Jackson has been found innocent

of the child abuse charges
leveled against him.

After the verdict a tear ran down his cheek.

Actually I said, "After the verdict,
a tear ran down his cheek."

After the verdict, Michael Jackson likened
himself to the Berlin Wall on his website.

Well, they're both massive until the late
80s' when bits started falling off them.

Michael Jackson is considering getting rid of

the Neverland Ranch he built in 1992.

As his thirteen-year-old is
getting a bit past it now.

Hugh is the winner on that
one, ladies and gentlemen!

Out next round is called Between the Lines.

Rory and Hugh, can you make your
way to our Mock The Week Press Pit?

In this round, one player takes the role
of a famous person making a speech,

while the other says what they really mean.

In the light of Tory party maneuvering
this week on the leadership,

Rory, you're Michael Howard.

Presenting his [something] stand aside
as leader of the Conservative.

Hugh, tell us what he's really saying.

At the last election,

we had a remarkable result.

We lost.

It was...

a tremendous achievement.

We lost really badly.

But there's still a lot of work to be done.

Bye then.

I'm...

I'm much too old to lead
the Conservative Party.

Kenneth Clarke is much too old to
lead the Conservative Party.

I've laid out a sensible
timeframe for my departure.

I must be back before sunrise.

We all know that there were problems with

the previous system of
selection for the leader.

Iain Duncan Smith.

This time I hope we'll
have a free and a fair fight.

I'll stop David Davis if it kills me.

We need to focus on our core priorities.

Can anyone remember our core priorities?

And then we'll be able to go forward,

unite around a new leader,

and triumph at the next election.

Not even I'm thinking what he's thinking.

Now we play a round called On the
Spot, which involves everybody.

So if can all make your way
over to the performance area.

This is a stand-up challenge based
on this random news generator

dotted with top of the subject and faces.

We spin the wheel and when it stops, anyone
can step forward and try to make us laugh

about the subject it's landed on.

If I judge the player's
got a big enough laugh,

he or she is safe and gets to sit down again.

The first team to have all its
players sitting down wins the round.

Okay, here we go. What is the first topic?

Ah! David...Uh-oh, straight in.

I'm back, and this time it's personnel, uh...

When the phone rang, I didn't know
whether they offered me a job

or served me with an
Antisocial Behavior Order.

Tony said we've got a crisis and

he sent me the figures and they're
the worst figures I've ever felt.

Today, I will bring forward daft proposals,

Sorry, I'll read that again.

"Draft proposals."

No, uh, right first time.

Well done, Rory, sit down,
thank you very much.

OK, let's have another topic, please.

The next topic is transport.
Who wants to come in on that?

Frankie.

Now I never traveled by [something] trains,

on the principle that it's
not a great recommendation

if the guy who owns the train network

chooses to travel by hot air balloons.

What is it with the new toilets on trains?

What was wrong with a
toilet door that just locked?

Now it's like there's a multi-choice system.

So if anything goes wrong,
you're gonna be sitting there

while the whole wall slowly slides away.

And you're unveiled like
a prize on a quiz show.

"For 500 points, a shitting woman!"

Well done, Frankie, very good.

Frankie, you can sit down.

OK, let's spin the wheel again.

The next topic is charity.

Jo is up for that.

All this talk of famine makes
you feel a bit peckish, doesn't it?

That's Comic Relief, right, keep asking me
if I would go out to Africa, you know,

to sort of comfort people.

But how are they gonna feel
with me getting off the plane?

Hello!

You're all hungry, are you?
I'm having a good dinner.

And you know, there are huge
problems to be tackled in Africa.

I don't know you know this,

but actually, in South Africa

you can insure yourself
against getting raped,

because if you catch the HIV virus,

treatment's really expensive.

And what's that gonna be like?

You're walking alone, some bloke
jumps out from behind the hedge,

gets his goolies out, you think, "Oh Christ,

there goes my No Claims Bonus then."

Sit down Jo, please.

Okay let's have another topic.

Topic is crime. Who's coming up? John.

The most important thing to remember

about crime is that any law
only makes sense in context.

Look, in sports,

punching someone repeatedly
in the face is lauded in boxing,

but is seriously frowned
upon in table tennis.

Similarly, if you come out of
your corner in a boxing round,

bouncing a little ball on a bat,

it's gonna be, literally seconds
before you're staring at some lights.

Furthermore, Moses.

Now, there's a man who would be on
pretty much anyone's list of top 5 Jews,

but think about it,

when he let the children out of Israel,
he was technically guilty of three

thousand counts of abducting a minor,

trespassing, and abducting the sea.

And yet he walks free today,

there really is no justice.

Well done, John, very good. Sit down.

Leaving us with two contestants,

one topic we'll give here,
fight it out, straight battle.

What's the last topic this week?

Ah...Jacque Chirac.

Europe, let's say. Hugh, you wanna go on first?

Britain isn't getting on very
well with France at the moment,

and it is partially because the
French were a bit snoozy.

For example, take concord,

you know, in the original
version of concord,

the French had their plane built

with the front hinged the other way around

so it could turn its nose up when it landed...

But...the kind of European
integration we don't...

any of us seems to mind is town twinning.

Everybody wants a French, you
know, town to twin with.

I didn't know how it happened, actually,
until I recently went to Swindon,

met a bloke from Swindon county.

He told me that apparently it's
very like getting a teenage pen pal,

on the basis of that Swindon,

who's getting on very well with Monte Carlo

until they sent them a photograph
and never heard from them again.

Very good, very good. Well done,
Hugh. Give him a round of applause.

It is a head-to-head.

Al, on the topic of Europe.

Uh, well, of course,

what's happened here is the French...

The french have voted against Europe

and now expect us to cough up for it.

It's the classic example
of the French attitude.

They've lost the plot,
basically, completely...

I mean, these are people
with a town called breast

and none of them thinks it's funny.

Any other country, a melted cheese
would be regarded as a fucking [something].

It's a [something], isn't it?

No, well, I'm not done yet.

Staying over there with their own customs.

The point is, I think...

I mean, that Eiffel Tower is a tragic
waste of baccano, isn't it?

As a result, French boys have nothing
to play with except themselves,

and that's how it started, isn't it?

Al, thank you very much. Everybody
gives him a round of applause.

I'm giving it to Hugh. I'll give it to that side.

Sit down, both of you.

Our next round is called "If this is
the answer, what is the question?"

On the board are six categories
related to current events.

For each category, I read out an answer,

and the players have to guess
what the question might be.

John, do you want to choose?

Can I have home news, please?

OK, the answer is 'ridiculously large'.

What is the question?

Is it "Describe Britain's chances
of winning the Olympic bid

with the least appropriate phrase possible."?

Now they're saying that to go with the bid,

they're telling everyone if you say you

don't believe in the Olympic bid,

somewhere in the world, an Olympian dies.

Is it "How big is the average American?"

"What is the name of Eddie Large's new baby?"

"How big was the benefit of the
doubt the jury gave Michael Jackson?"

He was innocent, just for legal reasons.

"How would my arse look through a telescope?"

It would just look ridiculously closer.

I would give you a clue.
It's to do with Bob Geldof.

Bob with the bids on eBay.

- Something to do with that.
- Oh, that is absolutely right.

Very, very good. Yes.

I love the way, um...

Geldof would be a handyman to know
though, 'cause he can fix anything

by going on the TV and shouting about it.

And I have a tumble dryer.

The belt's gone and what
would be really great is if

Geldof could go on the
telly and shout about that.

Yeah. "For fuck's sake, the
man's clothes are wet!"

He won't do anything useful about it.

Just get a million people to
get a hold your dryer

and throw it into the sea!

I mean, nothing that'll actually help.

He want a million people to go around
to Al's house, take his wet clothes and

run around the garden for 2 hours.

And then hang them back,
like the way you do.

The question i was looking for is

“What kind of bids did people make on eBay

in order to sabotage Live 8 ticket touts?”

But it was revealed that

eBay was holding a number
of options for Live 8 tickets.

Bob Geldof called the chairman
of eBay 'an electronic pimp',

which is still better than
being called Fifi Trixibelle.

This week as well The Boomtown
Rats announced their are

suing Bob Geldof for unpaid royalty.

Although the actual words are:

“Give us your fucking money."

'Cause they too were doing
a Bob Geldof impersonation.

Jo, which category would you like?

Can I have European news?

You're going for European...Your
category is European news.

The answer is

"very difficult". What is the question?

How do you frown when
you're Anne Robinson?

How does Wayne Rooney find thinking?

Is it the answer to the question "Have
you ever tried to shag a kestrel?"

Even more difficult if
they're flying, apparently.

Actually, that doesn't answer the question.

That actually sounds like a 'yes', really.

Have you ever tried to shag a kestrel?

Very difficult.

Oh boy, if you pull it off,

that's the shagging you'll
remember for the rest of your life.

I think that was subtext
of the [something].

It was a love story.

Is it "Jack Straw enjoys
basic level sudoku puzzles.

What level of sudoku puzzles does
Jack Straw tell people he enjoys?"

What if he'll lie about that,
what else would he lie about?

I mean, he hasn't lied about
it, I made it up, but...

I think the point has to stand.

You're right.

- Is it? - There's a lot of smoke without fire.

- Yeah. - Exactly, and that's...Of
course you've got a smoke machine,

but still...

- The point stands. - There
is rarely smoke without fire.

I meant to say, yeah, that's...

Well, not if you got a toaster, I find.

"How easy is it to set
fire to a swimming pool?"

I'll give you a clue. It's to
do with a rocky relationship.

Well, Anglo-French relations.

It is, essentially, how are they known.

The question I was looking for is,

"How did Tony Blair described
negotiations between France

and Britain over the EU?"

Referring to Tony Blair's
ongoing row with Jacque Chirac,

who wants Britain to reduce its rebate.

Talks between Blair and Chirac
collapse on Tuesday's night,

leaving Anglo-French
relations at their lowest ebb

since Tuesday afternoon.

Ladies and gentlemen, the winner of
that round...I think it has to be Al!

Give it up for him!

The next round is our version of Question
Time called 'Ask the politicians'.

I'll play the host.

Jo, Frankie and John, if you could move
up among the audience, please.

Ready to ask your
question for the politicians

sitting at the front here.

Keep moving.

Rory, you're Tony Benn.
Hugh, you're a Tory spokesman.

And Al, you're the
voice of the silent majority.

Can we have our first
audience question from...

the intense Scottish man there, please.

Yes, can I ask the panel what
single law they would introduce

to make Britain a better place?

Tony Benn, would you like to come in on that?

Well you see, straight away,
I wouldn't do a single law because...

I'd say a lot of laws 'cause
that's got an 's' in it. But um...

But the best law, I would
say, was Andrew Bonar Law,

who was a Conservative minister

and became Chancellor of the
Exchequer 1910. Wonderful person.

I met him when I met him first time...It was...

And he was the first person
who got me interested in politics.

But the answer to the question,
Mr. Benn, if you could possibly...

Well you see, there we go, a country
that's got personalities [something].

I think that's completely wrong
and I'll come back to you later.

Tory, Hugh?

No foreigners.

Is that what you'd say?

Well, I think it's time for the decent,
honest, hard-working, law-abiding

tax-paying, normal, sensible, reasonable,
down-to-earth, hard-working, normal,

law-abiding, down-to-earth,
sensible, reasonable people

hard-working, law-abiding, tax-paying,
[something], decent, honest, hard-working,

law-abiding, NORMAL! Decent,
reasonable, sensible, law-abiding, normal,

hard-working people of this country

who don't wanna pay their speeding fines.

The guys...

Regardless how fast we
might have been going

on the wrong way up the slip road,
on the phone, no [something], no text,

no insurance, was
eating a burger [something],

nor sex with a telephone.

Haven't you got anything better
to do, officer? It's time for us!

Just bake!

And...

Bring back , obviously.

Let's go to our second
question, the swarthy Greek lady,

on that side there, please.

- Yes? - Oh, thanks.

I was just wondering that as Britain
chairs the European presidency,

what changes should we be making?

And would anyone like some falafel?

Falafel, Tony Benn?

Well, I've never had falafel in
my life and it's...you know.

And the European Union?

Well, I've never been a
fan of the European Union

and I think it would be a very good thing if

Britain were towed away into the
North Europe a bit farther away

Now that's [something].

It's the first time I've ever agreed with
anything you've ever said, mate.

- Well, you've obviously brought me
to listening, that's true. - No, no.

I've been listening.

I've simply chosen to
remain silent up until now.

I'm the voice of the silent majority!

Obviously you haven't said that.

I'm no longer a member, but...

I think European Union, change
your name to the British Empire,

as a mark of gratitude.

Call a euro a pound.

A new clip.

That...You surely would
possibly agree with that?

I feel...

really...

the very best thing to do would be
to move the European Parliament

to the Millennium Dome.

They're both a waste of money.

It'll be good to get them
both lumped together.

Okay, the lady there in the middle.

You have a question?

Indeed.

Now that cub scouts don't
have to swear allegiance

to the Queen and God anymore,

who do the panel think they
should swear allegiance to?

Tony Benn.

I think you have to go a long
way to beat Clement Attlee.

You know, the 1945 Labor
Manifesto. It's a poem.

It's a wonderful poem.

- Absolutely, and Clement is... - But surely there has
to be something more temporary than that.

We're talking about socialism,
you understand that?

So I think if we wanted to put
some contemporary socialism,

we had to go back a long way.

But, no, I'll ask [something].

I, personally, have sworn
allegiance to a cub scout.

He's absolutely lovely and he does
marvelous things with his waddle.

One phone call, you're on a register.

Who would you pledge allegiance
to, voice of the silent majority?

Well...

Speaking for the people that would
have shot that burglar a third time...

I...

He shouldn't have done that, he
should have dug a pit with steel spikes

and manure on the spikes,

and a rug on the top, in comes a burglar,

folds in.

Who's there?!

Who would I swear allegiance to?

Yeah.

Well, in fact, this is nonsense,
it's got to be the Queen.

you gotta go back to the Queen,

and I love her all family.

Not just out of a mindless loyalty.

- It's not that, then what? - I fancy her.

There's no dirts in those
German birds, aren't they?

Do you follow the rules of etiquette
when meeting royal family?

What are you talking about?

I recently discover that one is
"Don't bend or turn one's back on

the Queen", I don't unders...

She's very unlikely to nick anything.

We feel this discussion may go on all night,

so instead let's wrap it up and
say thank you to all the panelists.

The winner was Al in that particular game.

Down you come, from the audience.

And now we come to our final round,

it's called scenes we'd like to see.

This is for everyone.

So if you can make your way over
to the performance area please.

I call out ideas for
scenarios we'd love to see,

and the performers come
in with their suggestions.

So if you're all already,

here we go with the very first of these.

Bad Ways to Start a
Party Political Broadcast.

Hello.

My fellow paedophiles...

Hang on, I'll be with you in a minute.

Guten Abend!

As you know, the football
is on the other channel.

I'm sorry to say that it is mostly the blacks.

Hello, I'm John Prescott,

and I expect you're
wondering why I'm naked.

I think our policies are best
expressed...#in song#!

During the next three and a half hours...

Now, look. We all know
we're not going to win...

Death to the west.

Let me tell you what the voices
in my head are telling me.

OK, our next topic is...

Things You'd Never
Hear a French Person Say.

Of course, it looked
hopeless, but we kept fighting.

I'd like a bottle of Burgundy
and a Dairylea Dunker, please.

You're English. How nice to meet you.

J'aime beaucoup, Monsieur Jeremy Clarkson.

I've just bought a wonderful little
holiday home in the south of Birmingham.

My favourite road? Well, that's got
to be the A303. Nice, in many ways.

It's quicker than the M4 and you
get to go past Stonehenge.

If you're going London to the west
country, it's A303 for me every time.

What a road. What a road.

And we throw that part of the animal away.

Okay, our next topic is,

What the Voices in Tony
Blair's Head Are Saying.

You will obey! You will obey!

Keep smiling. (Have Gordon killed.)
Keep smiling. (Have Gordon killed.)

Cherie, will you shut the fuck up?

Oh look, there's Cherie. That
reminds me, I must post a letter.

I like big butts and I cannot lie,
you other brothers can't deny...

I wonder what John Prescott
looks like in hot pants.

Mustn't get a stiffy.

Dammit! Got a stiffy.

Go on, lie. You got away with it last time.

Well done, everyone. All
come back and sit down.

That is the end of the show.

This week's winners are Jo Brand,
Hugh Dennis and Frankie Boyle.

Commiseration to Al Murray, Rory
Bremner and John Oliver.

Thank you for watching.

Until next week, good night.