Mock the Week (2005–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript

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Hello, welcome the Mock The Week.

I'm Dara Ó Briain.

The 'No' Votes in Europe are the big news this week.

The new Constitution has proved so
dull, [something] and unpopular,

ITV are now turning it into a reality show.

Brussels' bureaucrats
claim the only reason

people are rejecting the
European Constitution

is because they can't be bothered to read it.

So it's been renamed Harry Potter
and the Unification of Europe.

In spite of the 'No' Vote, Jacque Chirac
is still planning to forge ahead,



because as any Frenchman will tell you,

when they say 'no', they really mean 'yes'.

It's not the first time there's a big cry of 'No'

from the Netherlands' direction.

And in case Michael Jackson's
lawyers are watching,

I said 'Netherlands'.

To discuss this and other stories,

six of the finest comedy minds in Britain.

John Oliver, Rory Bremner and Jeremy Hardy.

Linda Smith, Hugh Dennis and Frankie Boyle.

Welcome to you all.

Let's kick off with a round
called Inside the Mind of.

With the G8's Conference
fast approaching,

we clamber inside the mind
of the American president.



Can anyone tell me,

what the voices inside George W.
Bush's head might be saying?

Rory?

Breathe in, breathe out.

Breathe in, breathe out.

Linda.

You want a drink.

If you have a drink,
everything will be alright.

You can silence me with a drink.

John.

Are they saying, "George, even we,

as an abstract version of your inner soul,

would like to completely disown you."

Jeremy?

Kyoto is the dog in The Wizard of Oz.

Frankie?

Are they saying,

"If you step on the cracks in the pavement,

George, we have to invade Syria."

They're saying, "Gee, there's
a lot of room in here.

Here, here..."

Are they getting ready for next week,

it's "Tony's coming to Washington,

Look busy."

OK guys,

Let's see what the next round is...

Give a round of applause
for everyone there!

Now we play a round called Wheel of News.

Which involves everybody,

so if you can make your way
to the performance area, please.

This is a stand-up challenge

based on this news wheel

taking about top the subjects and faces.

We spin the wheel, and when it
stops, anyone can step forward

and try us laugh about the
subject it has landed on.

If I judge the person has
got a big enough laugh,

he or she is safe and gets to sit down again.

The first team to have all its people
sitting down at the desk wins the round.

So here goes. Let's spin the wheel.

Well, Michael Howard,
the Tory party leader.

Who wants to get in on that?

Ah, a good shot.

Hello.

It's alright.

I'm not going to hurt you.

At the election, I announced
my timetable for action.

Here it is: I'm going.

Very good.

Go on, Bremner, sit down.

To be honest, you could have sat
down after you did the face.

So let's spin the wheel again.

OK, education.

Who wants to go for that?

Frankie's up.

The government's new education
policy, apparently,

is to make children stay at school till they're 18.

Just not living in the modern world, does it?

17-year-olds having to go to school,

who's gonna pick their
kids up from primary?

The Catholic church should
get a big thank this week.

See, they don't want sex
education in schools,

'cause that's like giving
the kids pornography,

as opposed to the traditional
Catholic method

of educating them of
actually shagging them.

Come on, sex education at my school was

was a muttered warning about the janitor.

That's perfect, Frankie, sit
down. Well done, you go...

Cover yourself in glory there, let's
have another look at the next story.

OK, ASBOs, who wants
to go in on ASBOs?

It's Linda.

I get people are a bit down on ASBOs,

but you gotta remember,

these are the only qualifications
some kids are gonna get!

Linda, sit down, well done.

What's our next topic?

OK, ID Cards, who wants
to come in on that?

Jeremy.

Well, these are interesting. Because
the defenders of ID cards

say "We already have to carry lots of ID."

You need to establish your identity in
order to establish your entitlement

to enter certain leisure centers,

or to claim benefit,

or to establish your entitlement
to enter certain buildings.

But this new card will establish
your entitlement to go outside.

And people say "They are a good idea,

'cause we have them in the Second World War."

But in the Second World War, it
was just a piece of cardboard

that says, "This is Mr. Wilkins,
who's not a German spy."

This will be the digitized,
magnitized thing that says

"This is Mr. Wilkins. He may not be a German spy,

but he's got a genetic heart defect,

His sister's against GM crops.

And he took a video late back
to Blockbuster in 1997."

Jeremy, please sit down.

So, at this type of situation, I'm gonna
spin the wheel one more time.

And I want the two remaining
person, that's Hugh and John,

to give me something on that one topic.

You both get a go, and the
audience essentially decide.

So let's spin the wheel.

OK, the Nation's Health.

Apparently, it's very
important to stay healthy

to have five portions of fruit a day.

I do that.

I have half a packet of Starburst.

The Torys are very big on MRSA.

Which I find a bit surprising.

I reckon most of them thought it was the way

a poshman would pronounce [something].

Just stand here, Hugh, because
John is going to try to top that now.

There is absolutely no need to worry
about Britain's health, because

as we've all learnt, Jamie
Oliver is going to save us all.

If Jamie Oliver has taught me one thing,

and he has,

it's...

It's this:

That an unhealthy lifestyle
is like a homing pigeon.

Yes, it's a lot of fun at the time,

but one day, it will track you down,

and it will kill you.

Very good.

I'm gonna give it to John. So
John and his team are the winners.

This round is called Bombshell Phone Call.

Frankie and Rory you've got a phone there.

Each of you. Very good.

In this round, two people take
on the famous news makers

who are on the phone to another.

At some point of the conversation,
one of them will drop a bombshell.

Rory, you are David Blunkett.

Frankie, you are Tony Blair.

Tony is calling David to welcome
him back to the cabinet,

but Blunkett has a bombshell to drop.

Take it away.

OK, his David Blunkett maybe a
bit better than my Tony Blair.

So...bear with me on this one.

David.

Is that Ann Summers?

Have you got one in the large?

No, David. It's Tony. You try this every time.

I'm sorry, I'm out at the moment.

Please leave a message.

Sorry, is that you, Tony Blair?

- Yes, David. - I'm sorry. I'm screening my calls.

I've been getting a lot from
the Child Support Agency.

I've been trying to get a
hold of you to offer you a job.

Now, which department do
you know your way to?

Well, Home Office, Health.

You know, I'd love to do any one of those.

Anything, except Work & Pensions,

because I've got my pride.

It's Work & Pensions.

Fabulous, I'd love to.

Er, but, there's one thing I've got to tell you.

What's that?

I've joined Al-Qaeda.

Only the territorials, it'll only
be every other weekend.

Bur, if I get you, I'll get 20 virgins,

and that's got to be worth it.

But that's not the bombshell.

I wanted to ask, how's Cherie?

And, is she ever sick in the mornings?

You're saying you've got her pregnant?

Uh...We've been close.

- And she's lovely. - Are you sure it's her?

I hope it was, 'cause she charged me 30,000.

Am I the only one who notices
an increasing resemblance

between Rory's David
Blunkett and Benny Hill?

He's Fred Scuttle, isn't he?

You should see the people
on me on my milk round.

Congratulations to both of them,

but I think Rory was the winner of that one.

The next round is called Headliners.

I show the team the photos someone
who's been making the news this week

along with the initial
letters of a newspaper headline.

Teams have to tell me
what the letters stand for.

Jeremy, Rory and John has a picture
of Jacques Chirac and Tony Blair.

So what does C.F.B. stand for?

"Cherie Flashes Blair."

Is it Tony Blair going, "Compromise?
Frenchman? Bollocks!"

Crazy Frog's Bitch.

It could be what's going
on in the foreground.

'Cause you can't see what's going on Blair.

That could be "Chirac Fondles Blair".

Or it could be something going
off, you know, to that side there.

"Cab For Blair."

Collaborating French Bastards.

But that's a big thing, 'cause
they've got to meet up at the G8.

And Blair's doing a big push.

'Cause you know, like it
were a popular [something].

He wants to make the G8...He
wants to expand it to be the G9

so that Liverpool can take part.

Does he think it's a boy band?

Actually, G4 must have had a bit of a shock.

Realizing they had to sort out Africa and...

They could probably do.

But a million of people marching
in Edinburgh to protest the G4,

that's a bit harsh, isn't it?

We'll never get Europe a
straight answer anyway,

we've spent the last few years constantly
sending out mixed messages to Europe.

"Ooh, we're an island." "Now tunnel into Kent."

The answer, of course, is "Crisis For Blair."

Referring to the repercussion
of the French and Dutch

voting 'no' to the European Constitution

That's why these two massive 'No' Votes deliver a result in [something] to the European Constitution

There's photographic evidence, of course, of the
vote took place in the referendum in France

With armpits like these, there's
no way these two are French.

Is that not...

I'll go out on a limb here,

- a little bit racist? - Yes.

It's a tiny bit racist, but not as
much as the next one is racist.

- I'll look forward to that.
- The next one is actually painfully,

- hideously written on many
many levels. - Good.

It hits them repeatedly

with a shovel and a pike
at the same time.

- The next one. You wanna hear it? It's fantastic.
- I love casual national hate. Come on.

And it's not even my nation...
I quite like the French.

The Irish get on very well...It's
your national hate, anyway, so...

I'm here, I'll play your game. Alright.

I'm willing to try and mix. OK.

A recent survey reveals that all
of Europe sees the French as

rude, smelly and obsessed with sex and food.

One Frenchman replied: "Piss off!"

"I'm busy eating garlic off
my girlfriend's nipples."

Shame on you!

The European Constitution
sold far more copies

in Holland than anywhere else in Europe

but only 'cause it was
printed on rollover paper.

Can I say that I'm very upset
the Dutch didn't vote 50-50?

Because that's watch going Dutch means.

It's ridiculous to go 60-40.

I thought going Dutch was the thing
with the ping pong balls in a nightclub.

Try paying for your next meal like that.

Darling, we're going Dutch, you go first.

You serve.

I'll return. How would you return
in that situation, anyway?

Well, to...No.

OK, let's go to the next one, then.

Frankie, Hugh and Linda,
here's a picture of Bob Geldof.

What does the letters B.O.F.A stand for?

Is it Bob's Odour Free Armpit?

Is it Bob: "Oh Fuck Africa"?

Is it Bob: "Ouch Fleas Again"?

I don't think that's Geldof, I think the
headline is Britney On Fags Again.

Bob's Owl Fight Aftermath.

He didn't stand a chance. The owl
constantly had the high ground.

It kept swoop and swoop.
And he tried to fend him off

with, like, a rolled-up leaflet
about something good,

but it just kept going.

It attached itself to his head and...

He can't be seen to hurt a living thing.

He's a kind man,

but eventually he just have to kill it with a brick.

Yep, his tactics are always bad. He actually
tried to sneak up on the owl but then

the head spin all the way around.

And the owl said, "Gotcha." Aw!

Don't ever try that, 'cause they
know exactly what you're doing.

Great fighters, the owls.

Who would win in a fight
between an owl and a tiger?

- An owl. - An owl?

An owl has the high ground.

- Linda. - The tiger, it's just gonna come down.

It's...It will...

The owl would basically adopt from
Muhammad Ali's rope-a-dope.

It would the tiger just
swing itself out, and

then just go in and peck it.

I think, hand on heart, we all know,
this is not gonna making the edit.

I presume that you probably can
get this right. Do you need any clue?

It's in...not a particular related story

I'll give you the clue. It has to do with the protest

and has to do with school children.

- Bunk off for Africa. - Very good.

Bunk off for Africa. Well done. Yes.

This refers to the news that
Bob Geldof is urging pupils

and teachers to bunk off school for two
days with all the international leaders

attending the G8 Conference.

Children up and down Britain are
already following Bob Geldof's example,

going up to people on
the street and saying,

"Give us your fucking money."

Because of his strong anti-racism stance,

the winner's clearly going to
be John, ladies and gentlemen.

This round is called Prime
Minister's Questions.

For the purpose of this game, I'll be the
speaker of the House of Commons,

Rory, you're gonna take
on the role of Tony Blair.

Jeremy and John, you are his Labor
colleagues on the front bench.

Over here, we have the opposition benchers

with Linda, Hugh and Frankie.

You'll be debating on the
heavyweight issue of the week.

To start, I'd like the prime minister

to give a statement on the
government's reaction to:

The toads in Hamburg which has
been spontaneously explosion.

Prime minister?

Mr. Deputy Speaker, I'm sure by
now, the House will be aware

of the tragic incidence in Germany

at the weekend in Hamburg.

We've just seen a number of
frogs spontaneously exploding.

Our thoughts are with them.

At this time, our condolences go
to our German counterparts.

I'm able to say that no British
frogs were involved.

We would very much like
to share condolences, but

we'd also like a guarantee

that the government is taking steps
to make sure none of these frogs

make the short hop across the Channel.

And all toads, which I believe is the...also the subject to the story

and if they do, will he slam
the toads in the whole?

Can I just point out, young gentleman,

the cause for these exploding
toads is, I'm afraid, inflation.

And I'm sorry to say...Yeah, oh yes!

Oh yes.

Yeah, inflation, which has
been brought under control

under this government,

and was rampaging under
your previous administration.

Can I just ask, given that what we
know of the German historically,

how long will it be before they start using
these toads in their pornography?

I think that's one for the
administer for Arts & Culture.

This is clearly a complete distraction

from the government's [something]
of fighting the war on terror.

Now, if Al-Qaeda were able to acquire

amphibious capability,

using exploding toads of this kind

- then the threat of global terror would
be on our doorstep. - You think these

pornographic videos are going
to be made by Al-Qaeda？

Yes, but they will be very
tasteful because of the [something].

Tell me, what step has the government taken

to prevent a suicide toad attack?

Exactly, I would further add, what
measure is the government taking

to institute identity
cards for toads and frogs

who could be getting into this country,
soft touch Britain, as ever,

passing themselves off as something
harmless such as an owl or a [something].

On that, ladies and gentlemen, I think...

I think the Opposition take it tonight!

This round is called Dating Videos.

The players take on the identity
of a famous news maker,

and record a lonely heart video
in the style of that person.

Everyone's got a try to guess who they are.

Frankie, you're first. Please, can you take
a position in the performance area?

Let's see your dating video.

Hi!

Would you like to see my puppies?

I'm looking for someone
with the soul of a child,

and the body of a child.

I live an interesting life, kind
of like a Scooby-Doo villain.

I hang around in abandoned
funfair wearing a plastic face.

I've got a unique look, as you can see.

The look I've gone for is 'Liza Minnelli‘s Halloween costume."

So, hopefully, you'll get in touch

before my face melts
under the studio lights.

Jeremy, Rory and John, any guesses?

Is it Lorraine Kelly?

Was it eminent historian Eric Hobsbawm?

It must be Michael Jackson.

It is, of course, Michael Jackson.

Hugh is next.

Your turn to record a dating video.

Let's see your lonely hearts' plea.

Right.

Let me tell you a little about myself.

In fact, try and stop me.

Even now, you're probably
wanting to congratulate me on

one of the most sensational
suntans in modern political history.

But let me tell you, this
has never seen a bottle of oil.

Suntan cooking or the other
[something] make-up in bottles,

which I have never seen, and I
would like to make that clear,

this tan is due to my
numerous trips abroad.

Many of which I have never been on.

Girls, I want you to light my fire.

which should be quite easy, thanks to all the oil,

which I don't have, I've never had.

And I will never have.

Come on ladies, I want your all,
except you're in a [something],

Just don't bother.

Have you got an answer?

- George Galloway. - It is, of
course, George Galloway.

Rory, you're next. Grab your
envelop there, get down there.

We want to see your lonely
heart, your dating video,

your celebrity making a plea for love.

Bonsoir.

Are you young, sexy, carefree?

So am I!

I'm the...

I'm 73 years old, I'm very big in Europe.

My constitution isn't as strong as it was,

but we could still make a perfect union.

People say I'm arrogant,

why do I care?

I'm just a man who can
not take 'no' for an answer.

Unless I have to.

But so long as 45% of you say 'yes',

that's good enough for me!

Any guesses on this side?

- It's Jacque Chirac. - It is,
of course, Jacque Chirac.

Frankly, all very very good, but Frankie
was my person of favorite there.

Give him a round of applause.

Our final round, little quickfire round,

called Scenes We'd Like To See.

This is for everyone. If
you can all make your way

over there to the performance area.

I call out ideas for
scenarios we'd like to see,

and the performers come in
with their suggestions.

OK, here we go.

Things a New Pope Shouldn't
Say In His First Public Speech.

#YMCA#

Very good.

I've dreamed of this moment
ever since I was a little girl.

What a fucking view!

I'd like to thank my wife...

I only wish that Hitler could have
been alive to see this moment.

I'm a celibate, get me out of here!

Very good.

OK, next topic.

- No... - Oh, you want more on the Pope? Sorry.

OK, still on the Pope.

I can't think of a finer way to spend
the last six months of my life.

Look at the tits on that nun.

OK, next topic.

The second topic is Books Heading
Straight For the Remaindered Bin.

Paul Gascoigne's Sudoku.

Beckham's Thesaurus.

The Ron Atkinson Diet.

My Struggle. By Paris Hilton.

John Leslie's pop-up autobiography.

Michael Jackson's Touch and Feel Book.

Iraq's Weapons of Mass
Destruction: A Dossier.

Next topic is:

Slogans That the Tory Party
Should Have Used In the Election.

Vote for us and we'll hand Thatcher over.

Are you sinking like we're sinking？

It's L’Oréal, and I'm worth it.

There's a Muslim pedophile
living under your child's bed.

Vote Conservative.

OK, new topic.

If Politicians Endorsed Products.

It's L’Oréal, and I'm worth it.

Kids will just love KerBlunkett.

Hello, I'm Peter Mandelson.

When I needed a mortgage,
I phoned Loans Direct.

Were you interested in
accident that wasn't your fault?

Very good, very good, very good.

And, give everyone a round of applause!

And that round is won by Hugh!

That is the end of the show.

This week's winners are...

I find it exceptionally
difficult to choose,

it's a draw and well, give it
for both teams tonight.

Linda Smith, Hugh Dennis and Frankie Boyle.

Jeremy Hardy, Rory Bremner and John Oliver.

Join in next week. Thanks for watching.

Good night.