Mo (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
- Batizek.
- This is y'all's?
- Batizek.
- This is what Mexicans do? Batizek.
- But look at my face.
- Yeah.
- We go, "Batizek." A little pop.
- Batizek. I knew that. Batizek.
Or you can do it like this,
a little wiggle.
- Wiggle? You wiggle it?
- Yeah.
- You wiggle it like, "All up in your ass."
- You do a lot of butt stuff.
- There's also "Lick my ass."
- "Lick my ass?"
It means, "Lick your ass."
"Lick my ass."
- Lick your ass?
- Lick your ass.
- Lick your ass right now?
- No, no, no. No. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- I'll get your ass.
- I'll get your fat…
Ah! Stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop it. I peed myself.
A little bit.
No, no. Stop playing.
- Batizek!
- Hello? Stop playing with my ass!
My ass? No, boy, it's your ass.
Oh.
No, I was… Not you, bro.
- It's collection day.
- Yeah, I'm about to step out now.
You got an hour.
- Can't be late to Hameed's wedding.
- Right.
What's the matter?
Nothing, it's just Hameed.
He's freaking out about his fake wedding.
Being a real bridezilla.
His wedding. It's all crazy.
- You being straight with me?
- Yeah, what the hell? I'm fine. Come on.
Don't know, it's just this feeling.
Like I used to get with my dad.
- Just forget it. I'm just being paranoid.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna go for your culito. No, your...
- Oh, no. I'll get you... I'm gonna get you.
- DJ Khaled!
- Another one!
You gonna have some
of this chicken cone shit?
I don't know. Maybe.
Oh, this shit's good.
But you know what keeps me coming back?
Hm.
The staff.
They're conscientious as fuck.
They told me about this cinna-maple shit.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Hm.
They fired my favorite employee, though.
Thinking maybe I should send him
a gift basket or something.
- I know where he lives.
- Dante...
Where's my money?
Here.
What is he, a jack-in-the-box gangster?
I know it's light.
- Selling merch is my side hustle.
- Bet.
For real, man.
Look, I have a day job picking olives.
You think I like doing that?
I'm a refugee picking olives
with a bunch of immigrants.
I mean, I'm not like, "OG" OG refugee.
I didn't float over here.
I'm a privileged refugee,
but still all fucked up.
Just give me some time,
and I'll get you all squared away, okay?
Stay away from that chicken cone spot,
it's bad for your gut.
Motherfucker, we're both wearing
tall tees to the pool.
- You all the time, me sometimes.
- I bet your dives look like belly flops.
- You sink to the bottom.
- You float to the top.
You look like you ate a linebacker.
You look like a Dominican panda.
- You'll pick up a package for me today.
- What package? What's in it?
You're asking too many questions.
Go when I text you…
And be quick.
- It's a tight window.
- When I do this, it's over.
You're not making threats about my family.
Keep my brother, my mom, all out of this.
Just check your brake lights, man.
You cannot be caught with this shit.
Say, man, can I get a confirmation?
Dante, is that a yes?
It's mad ambiguous, bro.
Fuck.
- What's good?
- What's up, bro?
- Why are you moving like that?
- What?
Looks like it's a diarrhea day
or something.
What's this thing about diarrhea?
Been talking to Sameer?
No, I'm just saying you look tight.
Like your cheeks are clenched.
I take two a day.
You never hear that.
Most go once in the morning.
I'm once and before I sleep.
Nobody cycles better than me.
All right. Relax.
I just had some immigration,
asylee shit anyway.
Where's shee foo at?
He's in there trying on his fifth suit.
He's gotta look perfect for his bride.
- Still pretending this is a real marriage?
- We're not pretending. It's real.
Especially if he wants his green card.
Immigration will be wanting photos.
Hey! This is real, man!
- Not real, stop bullshitting!
- Don't be a dick.
Yeah, you love her? Swear to God.
What the hell is this, bro?
Oh, shit.
You look like Arab Katt Williams.
Cat? What cat? Cat in suit?
Don't listen to him.
Terrific choice.
I look good.
- Very refined, handsome.
- Very good.
Aba, are you trying
to cash in your worst suit?
Whoa.
Anything for a dollar, you guys.
"You guys"?
I don't like the antisemitic implication.
It's not antisemitic. I'm Semitic.
How can I be anti-me?
Excuse me, what is that?
Don't touch! He loves it.
Why do you have to ruin his big day?
Disaster. Polyester.
Egyptian polyester, 1,000 thread count.
- What?
- Come on.
- What is that?
- Why would you ruin my big sale?
Ah, Hameed.
My brothers.
You know, guys? This life is crazy
and full of surprises.
When I came to America,
I was alone, didn't know a soul.
But today is my wedding,
and I have my two brothers with me.
My brothers, you understand?
Hell yeah.
I don't even need no translation.
- Nigga, that sounds beautiful.
- Shee foo, man. Shee foo, man.
You don't have to pretend.
The government's not watching.
I am not a crook.
I love Dallas, okay?
This is real, bro. I love Dallas.
- Love. L-O-V. You know? Love.
- L-O-V, yeah. It's real. Stop playing.
Don't act like the government
ain't watching. They definitely watchin'.
- I'm gonna head out, all right?
- Where the hell are you going?
I got things to do. Gotta get the suit,
and I'll meet you at the wedding.
It's my day. I'm gonna get a haircut,
then we're gonna do Zaffa.
Yeah, come on.
You gotta roll with us to the Zaffa.
- What do you know about Palestinian Zaffa?
- I'm a student of the culture, for real.
Now, are you gonna honor tradition or not?
Ah. Ah. Hey. Ah. Ah. Ha. Ha.
- That ain't gettin' me, bro.
- Come on.
Does Maria know you're out here
sipping drink like a bar baby?
It's a painkiller, bro.
Want me to tell her
every time I pop a Claritin too?
Hey, bro, man,
wait until you see my wife, bro.
She's a real-American blondie, you know?
Bro, her hair is like gold, like the sun.
You look at her like this.
- Beautiful mama. Huh?
- She's not a real blonde, habibi.
- She's not a real blonde. Get over it.
- No, she's a blondie, bro.
She's not.
You can tell by her roots.
She is a blondie.
I told to you...
Both of you. Hey. Shut the hell up.
- I swear y'all been colonially infected.
- What do you mean, bro, "Colon infection"?
Asshole? Talking about my asshole
on my wedding day? What's wrong with him?
No, not your asshole.
Habibi, colonially infected
means you've been brainwashed
by Europeans to that think
blonde is the pinnacle of beauty.
What's beautiful about your girl
got nothing to do with her hair.
It's that she's willing to marry
a goofball who barely speaks English.
- Ah, me. Shee foo, man.
- Yeah, shee foo. That's real love.
Love as real as her hair.
Look at her eyebrows.
They're not blonde. Shee foo.
- Bro, why are you saying...
- It's a fake marriage. Shee foo.
Her hair is brunette! Brunette, man!
- What's wrong?
- Carpet doesn't match the drapes.
- Hey! Settle down, no!
- No! I'll kill you, kill myself, bro!
- It's real love.
- I'm joking!
- I'm just joking.
- Not my Dallas!
- Say, "Hameed loves Dallas"!
- Hameed loves Dallas.
- And she's a real blondie!
- She's a real blonde. Like the sun.
- He's always doing this!
- I feel you.
This nigga's about to kill you.
Nigga, that's real love.
Hell, I love Dallas.
- What do you mean?
- Not like that. Just saying I love Dallas.
- Bro, I love Dallas only!
- You love Dallas.
Dallas, Hameed! That's it!
- We all believe you. You love Dallas.
- We believe you. Dallas, a real blonde.
Hi. How are you?
Hello. I'm fine.
Mo asked me to pick up his suit.
We're going to a wedding.
You know Hameed from Kaan Ya Makaan?
Your eyes.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
They're puffy.
I have a good cream for you.
Can I get the suit?
Come, come.
I'll spray some rose water on them,
they will be fine.
Deep breath.
There you go.
Don't move.
This is gonna open up your pores.
Come on, make me sexy
for my blondie, you know?
Yeah, real natural blonde, like Eminem
or Odell Beckham.
- Hey. Come here.
- What? What did I say?
- Sup?
- What's wrong with you?
Nothing. Having a good time. Hanging out.
Why do you keep trying
to piss Hameed off? You jealous?
Jealous? Of Hameed? What for?
He's about to get married.
And you've been stringing
Maria along for the last two years.
Comparing Hameed's bullshit marriage
with Maria and I? You're losing your mind.
I'm not comparing anything. Just saying,
my man is handling his situation,
and you're here, scared to make a move.
It's different with me.
I want it to be legit,
I want my family to be on board.
Just getting a green card?
"Celebration, pictures," I want real shit.
Shut the hell up.
This ain't that. This is real love.
I think you're scared of what your mom
and your aunties at the mosque will say.
You're acting
like a prepubescent 13-year-old.
I don't know what you're talking about.
- Yay!
- The Zaffa is here. Yay!
- Yay! Come on, it's a real Zaffa!
- Yay!
Yay! Together!
♪ Shave it, barber ♪
♪ With the golden razor ♪
♪ Shave it, barber
With the silver razor ♪
♪ Come on, everybody
Wait, barber, until his friends arrive ♪
♪ Wait, barber, until his friends arrive ♪
♪ Wait, until his uncle arrives ♪
♪ Wait, until his uncle arrives ♪
♪ Wait, until his uncle arrives ♪
♪ Hameed, you're the ocean
And the waves of the sea are high ♪
- High!
- High!
♪ Your reputation
in our town is high today ♪
- High!
- High!
♪ Whoever hates you won't have any value
And will never enjoy any rest ♪
- Congratulations, Hameed!
- Thank you!
Congrats, habibi.
- Gotta pick up my suit.
- I thought Maria was gonna get it.
It's got an oil stain.
- Gotta take it to the cleaners. Yeah.
- A stain on it?
Habibi.
Habibi, congratulations.
Hello?
Hello?
Yo!
Hello?
Yo, anybody here?
- Who the hell are you?
- Shit, bro!
Um, Dante sent me.
DJ Khaled-looking motherfucker?
What are you, a fed?
I'm not a fed, bro.
Government doesn't even recognize me.
- So you're illegal?
- No, I'm, I'm in the system.
- You were in the pen?
- No, immigration system.
I never was in the penitentiary.
Though it feels like I'm serving time.
- You do all this yourself?
- Yeah.
Me and my team of little people.
- For real?
- No, bitch! This ain't Willy Wonka.
It was his father's suit.
We had it tailored for Mo.
- Can I?
- Yes.
It's beautiful.
What did your mother say
when she first saw your tattoo?
She was there.
Um, she drove me.
I have one thing for you.
Give me your hand, please.
For the wedding.
Very beautiful. Keep it this way.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome. Any time.
You even know what's in here?
- No, I don't wanna know.
- Oxycontin, Percocets, Xanax.
- Name it. Like a piñata of pills.
- Fuck that shit! Why did you tell me? Why…
Can't be mysterious like Pulp Fiction?
I'm not touching that shit.
Look, Dante said if you don't take it,
he wanted me to tell you
that he likes your mom's style of lamps.
- I don't know what that means, but it's...
- Cold-blooded, man.
Hey, I don't enjoy doing this
any more than you, okay?
- You think I like owing Dante favors too?
- You don't ever bring mamas into this.
- Even the mafia doesn't do that shit.
- Don't shoot the messenger.
Fuck!
Shit.
Pudgy motherfucker.
- Hello? What?
- Where you at?
Hameed needs to get to the venue ASAP.
- No, man.
- Come on. We need a ride.
Drive your truck.
I don't have my truck. You drove.
- Look, I can't talk about it.
- It's Hameed's wedding day.
- You won't leave us stranded. Pick us up.
- I can't pick you up. Don't hang up.
Shit, shit, shit!
- Why are you driving so slow?
- It's a '68 Torino. It's a classic.
A lot of…
Potholes around here.
Where the hell is your suit at?
- Huh? My s...
- Your suit. Where's your suit?
It's, oh, uh…
Maria has it.
It was a false alarm, bro. We're good.
Hameed, don't smoke, man!
- Bro.
- Please, don't smoke.
- Please, don't smoke weed in the car.
- It's my wedding day.
- I wanna relax.
- What's wrong with you?
Why you got all this weird energy?
- Don't want him high for his wedding.
- Oh, relax. Okay, man.
Shit!
The motherfucking police, man.
- Hey.
- Hey. What are you doing?
- Gotta get this car back.
- It's a regular pop-up routine stop.
Drive through.
- What are you doing?
- I got drugs in the car.
- Under two ounces is a misdemeanor. Drive.
- You don't get it.
- I have hundreds of pills in the car!
- What?
Yeah. Dante's making me run them.
They're in the trunk.
- That's why you've been acting so weird?
- Man, relax. Take it easy, dear.
- Give me the pills. I'll put it in my ass.
- It's hundreds of pills. It won't fit.
You're acting like you had squeaky tires,
not a trunk full of drugs.
I swear, that drink
is frying your brain cells.
Bro, you forget you're Black.
Chill, man. Don't move, bro.
They'll kill you.
You'll die for sure. Me or him, maybe.
- We're all going to prison.
- Nobody's going to jail.
Nobody's going to jail. Just be cool.
Shit, man. Dog. There's a dog.
Passport.
Excuse me.
- Gentlemen.
- How are you doing, sir?
Doing great, thank you.
You don't mind popping the trunk?
Jesus.
What did you say?
I was, uh…
I said, uh…
Saying praise Jesus.
♪ Praise the Lord Jesus ♪
- Yes.
- Praise God, yes.
Yeah, we were invited to Lakewood Church
by Pastor Osteen himself.
I see. Well, I'm fond of Mr. Osteen.
What are you doing over at Lakewood?
- Oh, we're in a gospel choir.
- International.
Yeah, absolutely.
Showcasing the diversity of Houston.
Diversity initiative.
I know that's one of his things.
- Yeah, I got that email.
- Yeah.
If you're gospel singers,
why don't you sing a few hymns for me?
- Yeah, of course. We can do that. Do that.
- Oh, Yeah. Um…
Uh…
♪ Oh, precious is the flow ♪
- ♪ That makes me white as snow ♪
- Yeah.
♪ No other fount I know ♪
♪ Nothing but the blood of Jesus ♪
♪ I say, you say, we say ♪
I say.
♪ Nothing but the blood ♪
♪ Of Jesus ♪
- Not bad, gentlemen, not bad. Amen.
- Yeah.
- What's the deal with Smiles back there?
- Oh, he's converting.
Yeah. A wayward sinner
just coming back to Christ.
Like a sheep lost from the flock.
Never too late to be saved, brother.
Yeah. Shee foo, man. Shee foo, yeah.
Yo, just like in the Bible
in Matthew 28:19.
Yeah.
Which says, "Therefore go
and make disciples of all nations."
Hold on a sec.
Yeah. All right.
- I won't get in the way of God's work.
- We're praying for you.
- Absolutely.
- Get these boys out of here.
Thank you.
- How you doing? Praise be.
- God forgive me. Praise be. Yes.
- Yes, God.
- Shit.
- Fuck! Now give me Xanax for real.
- Shut the hell up, Hameed.
There is the man!
Great men, amazing!
♪ Step! ♪
Hamoodi, come on, habibi!
♪ Play ♪
Hi, baby.
- Hi. This is incredible.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God. It fits so well. It's perfect.
What's going on?
I can't stop thinking
about this fucking dog.
Sniffing the left side of my car,
and it made eye contact with me.
I make eye contact with it.
It's making more eye contact.
I'm like, "My God, can it smell fear?"
On the outside, I'm cool as a cucumber,
but inside, I'm already deported.
Halfway to Palestine.
- And she had a passport.
- Who?
Hamoodi,
come on and dance, habibi!
Something I've wanted my
whole life, they gave it to a fucking dog.
Oh, baby, you're gonna get one too.
Come on, let's dance.
Uh, let's get married.
You're proposing to me?
I know I'm the one that wanted to wait,
but I don't wanna live like this anymore.
You wanna propose to me
because a dog has a passport?
Damn the dog.
I wanna get married. That's the headline.
Because before it was religion,
it was your mother.
You know she gave me a bracelet
to cover my crucifix?
No, I didn't know that. I don't care,
as long as you believe in God.
I know this isn't how you pictured it,
and I didn't picture it this way either.
It's just been a crazy fucking day.
You guys did amazing! Great!
Come on, let's get to the church!
Listen…
- What's going on? Don't lie to me.
- I'm not lying to you.
♪ Groom, God bless you ♪
I have drugs in my car,
but they'll be gone by the end of the day.
What? You have drugs in your car?
You're a drug dealer now?
No, I'm not a drug dealer.
You know who I am. I would never do that.
Although, I did have a run-in
with a real drug dealer,
and then Chien popped in out of nowhere.
♪ Hope you're well, everything's good ♪
I had to be there for him. He sewed me up.
I'm not gonna leave him there.
But it's all good because
he said if I deliver a package today…
♪ God bless our town ♪
- It's all over...
- I knew you were lying!
I knew it, and you were making me
feel like I was the one who was crazy.
- I'm sorry. You're 100% right.
- No, no, no. What is this?
The lean?
♪ God bless our people ♪
- What are you talking about?
- You thought I didn't know?
I'm fucking done with that shit.
It's over. I was wrong.
- You're right about that.
- This is the same shit you do to your mom.
I don't know why you feel
you have to protect us from the truth.
I've done it all my life.
Ever since my dad died, it's been me.
You keep thinking that you have to do all
this stuff alone, and you don't.
And it's really taking a toll on me.
I don't know what you're saying.
You don't trust me?
Two years together,
you're my baby girl, my world.
- You don't trust me?
- No.
No, I don't trust you.
And I don't wanna marry you.
I want a partner,
not someone who lies,
and numbs himself to cope with it.
I can't do this anymore.
You can't do what? Maria.
Maria.
It's his wedding day. Are you serious?
Maria!
Hey, you coming in or what?
Yeah.
You too, Nazeer. Come on.
Hey, Nazeer Santana.
Come the hell on, man.
- Get your Palestinian John Mayer...
- Let's go.
What the hell is wrong with you?
- Don't wanna talk about it.
- Shee foo. Late, bro.
Where's Maria?
Uh, if you would all please stand.
♪ I would be a shell of a man ♪
♪ If I didn't have your hand in my hand ♪
♪ And girl, you took a hell of a chance ♪
♪ Sayin' yes when I asked you to dance ♪
♪ Well, you're the healin'
To all my hurtin' ♪
♪ You're the one, baby
I'm done searchin' ♪
♪ Out of all the people in the world
It's you, girl ♪
♪ You're my person ♪
My wife! Hey.
Father. Baba.
- I love you.
- I love you, baby.
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you for being here today
to help us celebrate the union
of these two beautiful children of God.
The only thing left is the rings.
Do you have the rings?
- You did bring rings?
- Yes.
- Yeah, sorry.
- Okay.
Yeah. Very good.
Wonderful. Uh…
Well, with these rings,
and by the power vested in me
by the great state of Texas,
I, uh…
You may… You're already doing it,
so I won't bother with that.
♪ Just a wide-eyed child with dreams
Of walking down the aisle ♪
♪ You never knew how much I loved you ♪
Hameed loves Dallas.
Yeah!
Shee foo.
♪ Church bells ♪
♪ Were never to chime ♪
♪ Gold band ♪
♪ Would never be mine ♪
♪ White gown ♪
♪ I would never to wear ♪
♪ Wedding march ♪
♪ I was never to hear ♪
♪ A home, kids
Were all a part of the dream ♪
♪ Sunday Dreaming ♪
♪ Baby, what a dream ♪
♪ Looking back on those yesterdays ♪
♪ I can see two roads ♪
♪ Bound two separate ways ♪
♪ Church bells ♪
♪ Were never to chime ♪
♪ Gold band ♪
♪ Would never be mine ♪
♪ White gown ♪
♪ I would never to wear ♪
♪ Wedding march ♪
♪ I was never to hear ♪
♪ Church bells ♪
♪ Were never to chime ♪
- This is y'all's?
- Batizek.
- This is what Mexicans do? Batizek.
- But look at my face.
- Yeah.
- We go, "Batizek." A little pop.
- Batizek. I knew that. Batizek.
Or you can do it like this,
a little wiggle.
- Wiggle? You wiggle it?
- Yeah.
- You wiggle it like, "All up in your ass."
- You do a lot of butt stuff.
- There's also "Lick my ass."
- "Lick my ass?"
It means, "Lick your ass."
"Lick my ass."
- Lick your ass?
- Lick your ass.
- Lick your ass right now?
- No, no, no. No. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- I'll get your ass.
- I'll get your fat…
Ah! Stop it, stop it,
stop it, stop it. I peed myself.
A little bit.
No, no. Stop playing.
- Batizek!
- Hello? Stop playing with my ass!
My ass? No, boy, it's your ass.
Oh.
No, I was… Not you, bro.
- It's collection day.
- Yeah, I'm about to step out now.
You got an hour.
- Can't be late to Hameed's wedding.
- Right.
What's the matter?
Nothing, it's just Hameed.
He's freaking out about his fake wedding.
Being a real bridezilla.
His wedding. It's all crazy.
- You being straight with me?
- Yeah, what the hell? I'm fine. Come on.
Don't know, it's just this feeling.
Like I used to get with my dad.
- Just forget it. I'm just being paranoid.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna go for your culito. No, your...
- Oh, no. I'll get you... I'm gonna get you.
- DJ Khaled!
- Another one!
You gonna have some
of this chicken cone shit?
I don't know. Maybe.
Oh, this shit's good.
But you know what keeps me coming back?
Hm.
The staff.
They're conscientious as fuck.
They told me about this cinna-maple shit.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Hm.
They fired my favorite employee, though.
Thinking maybe I should send him
a gift basket or something.
- I know where he lives.
- Dante...
Where's my money?
Here.
What is he, a jack-in-the-box gangster?
I know it's light.
- Selling merch is my side hustle.
- Bet.
For real, man.
Look, I have a day job picking olives.
You think I like doing that?
I'm a refugee picking olives
with a bunch of immigrants.
I mean, I'm not like, "OG" OG refugee.
I didn't float over here.
I'm a privileged refugee,
but still all fucked up.
Just give me some time,
and I'll get you all squared away, okay?
Stay away from that chicken cone spot,
it's bad for your gut.
Motherfucker, we're both wearing
tall tees to the pool.
- You all the time, me sometimes.
- I bet your dives look like belly flops.
- You sink to the bottom.
- You float to the top.
You look like you ate a linebacker.
You look like a Dominican panda.
- You'll pick up a package for me today.
- What package? What's in it?
You're asking too many questions.
Go when I text you…
And be quick.
- It's a tight window.
- When I do this, it's over.
You're not making threats about my family.
Keep my brother, my mom, all out of this.
Just check your brake lights, man.
You cannot be caught with this shit.
Say, man, can I get a confirmation?
Dante, is that a yes?
It's mad ambiguous, bro.
Fuck.
- What's good?
- What's up, bro?
- Why are you moving like that?
- What?
Looks like it's a diarrhea day
or something.
What's this thing about diarrhea?
Been talking to Sameer?
No, I'm just saying you look tight.
Like your cheeks are clenched.
I take two a day.
You never hear that.
Most go once in the morning.
I'm once and before I sleep.
Nobody cycles better than me.
All right. Relax.
I just had some immigration,
asylee shit anyway.
Where's shee foo at?
He's in there trying on his fifth suit.
He's gotta look perfect for his bride.
- Still pretending this is a real marriage?
- We're not pretending. It's real.
Especially if he wants his green card.
Immigration will be wanting photos.
Hey! This is real, man!
- Not real, stop bullshitting!
- Don't be a dick.
Yeah, you love her? Swear to God.
What the hell is this, bro?
Oh, shit.
You look like Arab Katt Williams.
Cat? What cat? Cat in suit?
Don't listen to him.
Terrific choice.
I look good.
- Very refined, handsome.
- Very good.
Aba, are you trying
to cash in your worst suit?
Whoa.
Anything for a dollar, you guys.
"You guys"?
I don't like the antisemitic implication.
It's not antisemitic. I'm Semitic.
How can I be anti-me?
Excuse me, what is that?
Don't touch! He loves it.
Why do you have to ruin his big day?
Disaster. Polyester.
Egyptian polyester, 1,000 thread count.
- What?
- Come on.
- What is that?
- Why would you ruin my big sale?
Ah, Hameed.
My brothers.
You know, guys? This life is crazy
and full of surprises.
When I came to America,
I was alone, didn't know a soul.
But today is my wedding,
and I have my two brothers with me.
My brothers, you understand?
Hell yeah.
I don't even need no translation.
- Nigga, that sounds beautiful.
- Shee foo, man. Shee foo, man.
You don't have to pretend.
The government's not watching.
I am not a crook.
I love Dallas, okay?
This is real, bro. I love Dallas.
- Love. L-O-V. You know? Love.
- L-O-V, yeah. It's real. Stop playing.
Don't act like the government
ain't watching. They definitely watchin'.
- I'm gonna head out, all right?
- Where the hell are you going?
I got things to do. Gotta get the suit,
and I'll meet you at the wedding.
It's my day. I'm gonna get a haircut,
then we're gonna do Zaffa.
Yeah, come on.
You gotta roll with us to the Zaffa.
- What do you know about Palestinian Zaffa?
- I'm a student of the culture, for real.
Now, are you gonna honor tradition or not?
Ah. Ah. Hey. Ah. Ah. Ha. Ha.
- That ain't gettin' me, bro.
- Come on.
Does Maria know you're out here
sipping drink like a bar baby?
It's a painkiller, bro.
Want me to tell her
every time I pop a Claritin too?
Hey, bro, man,
wait until you see my wife, bro.
She's a real-American blondie, you know?
Bro, her hair is like gold, like the sun.
You look at her like this.
- Beautiful mama. Huh?
- She's not a real blonde, habibi.
- She's not a real blonde. Get over it.
- No, she's a blondie, bro.
She's not.
You can tell by her roots.
She is a blondie.
I told to you...
Both of you. Hey. Shut the hell up.
- I swear y'all been colonially infected.
- What do you mean, bro, "Colon infection"?
Asshole? Talking about my asshole
on my wedding day? What's wrong with him?
No, not your asshole.
Habibi, colonially infected
means you've been brainwashed
by Europeans to that think
blonde is the pinnacle of beauty.
What's beautiful about your girl
got nothing to do with her hair.
It's that she's willing to marry
a goofball who barely speaks English.
- Ah, me. Shee foo, man.
- Yeah, shee foo. That's real love.
Love as real as her hair.
Look at her eyebrows.
They're not blonde. Shee foo.
- Bro, why are you saying...
- It's a fake marriage. Shee foo.
Her hair is brunette! Brunette, man!
- What's wrong?
- Carpet doesn't match the drapes.
- Hey! Settle down, no!
- No! I'll kill you, kill myself, bro!
- It's real love.
- I'm joking!
- I'm just joking.
- Not my Dallas!
- Say, "Hameed loves Dallas"!
- Hameed loves Dallas.
- And she's a real blondie!
- She's a real blonde. Like the sun.
- He's always doing this!
- I feel you.
This nigga's about to kill you.
Nigga, that's real love.
Hell, I love Dallas.
- What do you mean?
- Not like that. Just saying I love Dallas.
- Bro, I love Dallas only!
- You love Dallas.
Dallas, Hameed! That's it!
- We all believe you. You love Dallas.
- We believe you. Dallas, a real blonde.
Hi. How are you?
Hello. I'm fine.
Mo asked me to pick up his suit.
We're going to a wedding.
You know Hameed from Kaan Ya Makaan?
Your eyes.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
They're puffy.
I have a good cream for you.
Can I get the suit?
Come, come.
I'll spray some rose water on them,
they will be fine.
Deep breath.
There you go.
Don't move.
This is gonna open up your pores.
Come on, make me sexy
for my blondie, you know?
Yeah, real natural blonde, like Eminem
or Odell Beckham.
- Hey. Come here.
- What? What did I say?
- Sup?
- What's wrong with you?
Nothing. Having a good time. Hanging out.
Why do you keep trying
to piss Hameed off? You jealous?
Jealous? Of Hameed? What for?
He's about to get married.
And you've been stringing
Maria along for the last two years.
Comparing Hameed's bullshit marriage
with Maria and I? You're losing your mind.
I'm not comparing anything. Just saying,
my man is handling his situation,
and you're here, scared to make a move.
It's different with me.
I want it to be legit,
I want my family to be on board.
Just getting a green card?
"Celebration, pictures," I want real shit.
Shut the hell up.
This ain't that. This is real love.
I think you're scared of what your mom
and your aunties at the mosque will say.
You're acting
like a prepubescent 13-year-old.
I don't know what you're talking about.
- Yay!
- The Zaffa is here. Yay!
- Yay! Come on, it's a real Zaffa!
- Yay!
Yay! Together!
♪ Shave it, barber ♪
♪ With the golden razor ♪
♪ Shave it, barber
With the silver razor ♪
♪ Come on, everybody
Wait, barber, until his friends arrive ♪
♪ Wait, barber, until his friends arrive ♪
♪ Wait, until his uncle arrives ♪
♪ Wait, until his uncle arrives ♪
♪ Wait, until his uncle arrives ♪
♪ Hameed, you're the ocean
And the waves of the sea are high ♪
- High!
- High!
♪ Your reputation
in our town is high today ♪
- High!
- High!
♪ Whoever hates you won't have any value
And will never enjoy any rest ♪
- Congratulations, Hameed!
- Thank you!
Congrats, habibi.
- Gotta pick up my suit.
- I thought Maria was gonna get it.
It's got an oil stain.
- Gotta take it to the cleaners. Yeah.
- A stain on it?
Habibi.
Habibi, congratulations.
Hello?
Hello?
Yo!
Hello?
Yo, anybody here?
- Who the hell are you?
- Shit, bro!
Um, Dante sent me.
DJ Khaled-looking motherfucker?
What are you, a fed?
I'm not a fed, bro.
Government doesn't even recognize me.
- So you're illegal?
- No, I'm, I'm in the system.
- You were in the pen?
- No, immigration system.
I never was in the penitentiary.
Though it feels like I'm serving time.
- You do all this yourself?
- Yeah.
Me and my team of little people.
- For real?
- No, bitch! This ain't Willy Wonka.
It was his father's suit.
We had it tailored for Mo.
- Can I?
- Yes.
It's beautiful.
What did your mother say
when she first saw your tattoo?
She was there.
Um, she drove me.
I have one thing for you.
Give me your hand, please.
For the wedding.
Very beautiful. Keep it this way.
Thank you very much.
You're welcome. Any time.
You even know what's in here?
- No, I don't wanna know.
- Oxycontin, Percocets, Xanax.
- Name it. Like a piñata of pills.
- Fuck that shit! Why did you tell me? Why…
Can't be mysterious like Pulp Fiction?
I'm not touching that shit.
Look, Dante said if you don't take it,
he wanted me to tell you
that he likes your mom's style of lamps.
- I don't know what that means, but it's...
- Cold-blooded, man.
Hey, I don't enjoy doing this
any more than you, okay?
- You think I like owing Dante favors too?
- You don't ever bring mamas into this.
- Even the mafia doesn't do that shit.
- Don't shoot the messenger.
Fuck!
Shit.
Pudgy motherfucker.
- Hello? What?
- Where you at?
Hameed needs to get to the venue ASAP.
- No, man.
- Come on. We need a ride.
Drive your truck.
I don't have my truck. You drove.
- Look, I can't talk about it.
- It's Hameed's wedding day.
- You won't leave us stranded. Pick us up.
- I can't pick you up. Don't hang up.
Shit, shit, shit!
- Why are you driving so slow?
- It's a '68 Torino. It's a classic.
A lot of…
Potholes around here.
Where the hell is your suit at?
- Huh? My s...
- Your suit. Where's your suit?
It's, oh, uh…
Maria has it.
It was a false alarm, bro. We're good.
Hameed, don't smoke, man!
- Bro.
- Please, don't smoke.
- Please, don't smoke weed in the car.
- It's my wedding day.
- I wanna relax.
- What's wrong with you?
Why you got all this weird energy?
- Don't want him high for his wedding.
- Oh, relax. Okay, man.
Shit!
The motherfucking police, man.
- Hey.
- Hey. What are you doing?
- Gotta get this car back.
- It's a regular pop-up routine stop.
Drive through.
- What are you doing?
- I got drugs in the car.
- Under two ounces is a misdemeanor. Drive.
- You don't get it.
- I have hundreds of pills in the car!
- What?
Yeah. Dante's making me run them.
They're in the trunk.
- That's why you've been acting so weird?
- Man, relax. Take it easy, dear.
- Give me the pills. I'll put it in my ass.
- It's hundreds of pills. It won't fit.
You're acting like you had squeaky tires,
not a trunk full of drugs.
I swear, that drink
is frying your brain cells.
Bro, you forget you're Black.
Chill, man. Don't move, bro.
They'll kill you.
You'll die for sure. Me or him, maybe.
- We're all going to prison.
- Nobody's going to jail.
Nobody's going to jail. Just be cool.
Shit, man. Dog. There's a dog.
Passport.
Excuse me.
- Gentlemen.
- How are you doing, sir?
Doing great, thank you.
You don't mind popping the trunk?
Jesus.
What did you say?
I was, uh…
I said, uh…
Saying praise Jesus.
♪ Praise the Lord Jesus ♪
- Yes.
- Praise God, yes.
Yeah, we were invited to Lakewood Church
by Pastor Osteen himself.
I see. Well, I'm fond of Mr. Osteen.
What are you doing over at Lakewood?
- Oh, we're in a gospel choir.
- International.
Yeah, absolutely.
Showcasing the diversity of Houston.
Diversity initiative.
I know that's one of his things.
- Yeah, I got that email.
- Yeah.
If you're gospel singers,
why don't you sing a few hymns for me?
- Yeah, of course. We can do that. Do that.
- Oh, Yeah. Um…
Uh…
♪ Oh, precious is the flow ♪
- ♪ That makes me white as snow ♪
- Yeah.
♪ No other fount I know ♪
♪ Nothing but the blood of Jesus ♪
♪ I say, you say, we say ♪
I say.
♪ Nothing but the blood ♪
♪ Of Jesus ♪
- Not bad, gentlemen, not bad. Amen.
- Yeah.
- What's the deal with Smiles back there?
- Oh, he's converting.
Yeah. A wayward sinner
just coming back to Christ.
Like a sheep lost from the flock.
Never too late to be saved, brother.
Yeah. Shee foo, man. Shee foo, yeah.
Yo, just like in the Bible
in Matthew 28:19.
Yeah.
Which says, "Therefore go
and make disciples of all nations."
Hold on a sec.
Yeah. All right.
- I won't get in the way of God's work.
- We're praying for you.
- Absolutely.
- Get these boys out of here.
Thank you.
- How you doing? Praise be.
- God forgive me. Praise be. Yes.
- Yes, God.
- Shit.
- Fuck! Now give me Xanax for real.
- Shut the hell up, Hameed.
There is the man!
Great men, amazing!
♪ Step! ♪
Hamoodi, come on, habibi!
♪ Play ♪
Hi, baby.
- Hi. This is incredible.
- Yeah.
Oh, my God. It fits so well. It's perfect.
What's going on?
I can't stop thinking
about this fucking dog.
Sniffing the left side of my car,
and it made eye contact with me.
I make eye contact with it.
It's making more eye contact.
I'm like, "My God, can it smell fear?"
On the outside, I'm cool as a cucumber,
but inside, I'm already deported.
Halfway to Palestine.
- And she had a passport.
- Who?
Hamoodi,
come on and dance, habibi!
Something I've wanted my
whole life, they gave it to a fucking dog.
Oh, baby, you're gonna get one too.
Come on, let's dance.
Uh, let's get married.
You're proposing to me?
I know I'm the one that wanted to wait,
but I don't wanna live like this anymore.
You wanna propose to me
because a dog has a passport?
Damn the dog.
I wanna get married. That's the headline.
Because before it was religion,
it was your mother.
You know she gave me a bracelet
to cover my crucifix?
No, I didn't know that. I don't care,
as long as you believe in God.
I know this isn't how you pictured it,
and I didn't picture it this way either.
It's just been a crazy fucking day.
You guys did amazing! Great!
Come on, let's get to the church!
Listen…
- What's going on? Don't lie to me.
- I'm not lying to you.
♪ Groom, God bless you ♪
I have drugs in my car,
but they'll be gone by the end of the day.
What? You have drugs in your car?
You're a drug dealer now?
No, I'm not a drug dealer.
You know who I am. I would never do that.
Although, I did have a run-in
with a real drug dealer,
and then Chien popped in out of nowhere.
♪ Hope you're well, everything's good ♪
I had to be there for him. He sewed me up.
I'm not gonna leave him there.
But it's all good because
he said if I deliver a package today…
♪ God bless our town ♪
- It's all over...
- I knew you were lying!
I knew it, and you were making me
feel like I was the one who was crazy.
- I'm sorry. You're 100% right.
- No, no, no. What is this?
The lean?
♪ God bless our people ♪
- What are you talking about?
- You thought I didn't know?
I'm fucking done with that shit.
It's over. I was wrong.
- You're right about that.
- This is the same shit you do to your mom.
I don't know why you feel
you have to protect us from the truth.
I've done it all my life.
Ever since my dad died, it's been me.
You keep thinking that you have to do all
this stuff alone, and you don't.
And it's really taking a toll on me.
I don't know what you're saying.
You don't trust me?
Two years together,
you're my baby girl, my world.
- You don't trust me?
- No.
No, I don't trust you.
And I don't wanna marry you.
I want a partner,
not someone who lies,
and numbs himself to cope with it.
I can't do this anymore.
You can't do what? Maria.
Maria.
It's his wedding day. Are you serious?
Maria!
Hey, you coming in or what?
Yeah.
You too, Nazeer. Come on.
Hey, Nazeer Santana.
Come the hell on, man.
- Get your Palestinian John Mayer...
- Let's go.
What the hell is wrong with you?
- Don't wanna talk about it.
- Shee foo. Late, bro.
Where's Maria?
Uh, if you would all please stand.
♪ I would be a shell of a man ♪
♪ If I didn't have your hand in my hand ♪
♪ And girl, you took a hell of a chance ♪
♪ Sayin' yes when I asked you to dance ♪
♪ Well, you're the healin'
To all my hurtin' ♪
♪ You're the one, baby
I'm done searchin' ♪
♪ Out of all the people in the world
It's you, girl ♪
♪ You're my person ♪
My wife! Hey.
Father. Baba.
- I love you.
- I love you, baby.
Ladies and gentlemen,
thank you for being here today
to help us celebrate the union
of these two beautiful children of God.
The only thing left is the rings.
Do you have the rings?
- You did bring rings?
- Yes.
- Yeah, sorry.
- Okay.
Yeah. Very good.
Wonderful. Uh…
Well, with these rings,
and by the power vested in me
by the great state of Texas,
I, uh…
You may… You're already doing it,
so I won't bother with that.
♪ Just a wide-eyed child with dreams
Of walking down the aisle ♪
♪ You never knew how much I loved you ♪
Hameed loves Dallas.
Yeah!
Shee foo.
♪ Church bells ♪
♪ Were never to chime ♪
♪ Gold band ♪
♪ Would never be mine ♪
♪ White gown ♪
♪ I would never to wear ♪
♪ Wedding march ♪
♪ I was never to hear ♪
♪ A home, kids
Were all a part of the dream ♪
♪ Sunday Dreaming ♪
♪ Baby, what a dream ♪
♪ Looking back on those yesterdays ♪
♪ I can see two roads ♪
♪ Bound two separate ways ♪
♪ Church bells ♪
♪ Were never to chime ♪
♪ Gold band ♪
♪ Would never be mine ♪
♪ White gown ♪
♪ I would never to wear ♪
♪ Wedding march ♪
♪ I was never to hear ♪
♪ Church bells ♪
♪ Were never to chime ♪