Mister Ed (1958–1966): Season 3, Episode 4 - The Bashful Clipper - full transcript

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪



[fly buzzing]

Hey, you got him.

Thank you, Ed. You're wonderful.

I also give a pretty
good massage.

Lovely. I'll remember that.

And here. Here's a
little reward for you.

Oh, thank you, Wilbur.

You're welcome.

There may be another
one later in the day.

You're all heart.

You bet I am.

Wilbur, oh, Wilbur,

you've just got to
give me some advice.

Yeah, all right.



Don't swim for an
hour after eating.

Don't smoke in bed.

Oh, Wilbur.

I've got to have my hair done.

Kay and I have
called all over town,

and no one can take
us on such short notice.

What for?

Well, Doris Manning,

the fashion editor of
The Daily Chronicle,

is coming over tomorrow
to meet our civic group,

and they're gonna
take pictures of us.

What shall I do?

Say cheese.

Men.

[slams door]

Oh, those fillies
with their hairdos.

I'm glad all I've got to
worry about is my tail.

You know, come to think of it,

you could do with
a little trim yourself.

I could not, Wilbur.

Hey, whom are you calling?

I'm calling the stables,

have them send a
man over to clip you.

I don't need a haircut, Wilbur.

School's out.

Why do you hate
to have a haircut?

'Cause those barbers
have cold hands

and colder clippers.

Hello.

This is Mr. Post on
Valley Spring Road.

Could you please send a man
over to my house this morning

to give my horse a haircut?

Right away? Thank you very much.

[Wilbur] Yes?

Mr. Post?

- Yes.
- I'm Chuck Miller.

They sent me over
to clip your horse.

Oh, yes. Come on. I'll
show you where he is.

Thanks.

Mr. Post, what do
you call your horse?

I always like to call my
clients by their names.

Makes them feel comfortable.

Ed. Mister Ed.

Mister Ed.

You're new at the
stables, aren't you?

Yes, sir.

Ed. Out.

Ed?

He's hiding.

He always complains when
it's time to have a haircut.

Complains, Mr. Post?

Yeah. Well, he...
I'll... I'll go find him.

Ow!

Wilbur Post, there's a time
and a place for everything.

I thought you were my horse.

Thanks.

Maybe after I set my
hair, you can tell us apart.

Horses are just like
people, Mr. Post.

They're shy around strangers.

But we're gonna get along fine.

Just fine.

You better keep your eyes open.

He's tricky.

Oh, I won't have any trouble.

See, I like animals.

I got an apple in my pocket,
and when I finish grooming him,

I'll give it to him.

You mean that apple?

That's a pretty smart
horse you got there.

Yeah.

And he likes his clippers warm.

Well, I better get at it.

Good luck.

There. Now you look real pretty.

And that didn't
hurt a bit, did it?

Carol.

Do I look as bad as you?

I thought if I dried
my hair in the sun,

it would help.

It looks so bad, a
bird tried to nest in it.

We can't have our
pictures taken like this.

Mrs. Post?

Yes?

Oh, you're the
boy from the vet's.

- Are you finished?
- Yes, ma'am.

Mr. Post asked me to
pay you. I'll be right back.

Thank you. Mrs. Post?

Yes?

It's about your hair.

My hair?

Don't tell me
there's a bird in it.

If you'll excuse me,
perhaps I could help you.

Help me? But you're a...

I used to be a beautician.

A beautician?

Well, what did you have in mind?

Oh!

Oh, Chuck, I look just great.

You're marvelous.

You look even prettier
than your horse.

Well, if nothing else,
I'm ready for Halloween.

Carol.

Chuck did it.

Chuck?

Well, where did you find him?

Why, he's Merlin the magician.

It's really nothing.

Nothing.

If you could make
me look like that,

you've got a slave for life.

Well, master, what
are you waiting for?

Go ahead, Chuck, go on.

Would you sit here, please?

Ohhhh!

Oh, Chuck, you're a genius.

You should have
your own beauty parlor.

Oh, you certainly should.

Oh, no! It's an
interesting idea,

and I appreciate
your confidence in me

but I couldn't open
a beauty parlor.

Oh, but you don't have to
worry about money, Chuck.

We'll get our
husbands to back you.

Why, yes. My husband's loaded.

He has so many keys
to safe deposit boxes,

he makes music when he walks.

You're gonna waste your
talent cutting animals' hair?

As I told you, I started
out as a beautician.

But... women make me nervous.

Oh, well, don't think
of us as women.

Think of us as poor souls

running around trying
to get our hair done.

Believe me, there's nothing
I'd like more than my own shop.

But I'm afraid I
can't handle women.

They're too unpredictable.
Animals are easier.

They're kind and quiet.
They're not temperamental.

Thank you. I'm sorry.

Don't you know there's
a fortune to be made?

Ladies, thank you for
this wonderful opportunity

but the answer is no.

I'm much better off with my
kind, quiet four-footed friends,

friends like your Mister Ed.

He's a sweet mixed-up guy.

I hate to do it. But
I'll have to unmix him.

It was a pleasure
working on you, Mister Ed.

I got another apple
for you in my case.

Ed, why did you do that?
I thought we were friends.

[neigh]

Ladies, I just opened
another beauty shop in town.

If it's not too late, can
I still accept your offer?

Can you accept us?

Of course.

Now we have to talk
our husbands into it.

Oh, that won't be any trouble.

I have told you and told you,

I am not investing any
money in a beauty parlor.

But, Wilbur... No! No! No!

Doll, think of the opportunity.

No! No! No!

Oh, but, doll. Come on, now.

No! No! No!

Oh, please.

No! No!

But, doll, just
think of the fortune.

Wilbur is right.
It's ridiculous.

I know how much money
women spend at beauty parlors.

I know how much you spend, Kay,

and I think I know how
much money Carol spends.

It costs me a fortune.

I know it costs
Wilbur a fortune.

It costs every husband
in America a fortune.

Hey, if there's a
fortune to be made,

why don't we make it?

Kay, this is the greatest idea
you've ever had in your life.

You know, Kay,
come to think of it,

that's a very good
idea you have there.

Who is this talented chap?

Carol introduced him to me.

My wonderful little wife.

Who is it?

It's Chuck. Chuck Miller.

Chuck?

The man who came
to cut Ed's hair?

Yes.

The man who cut
your horse's hair?

You girls must be kidding.

You expect us to invest in a man

who gives horses haircuts?

Well, he did my hair,
and I'm not a horse.

And let's keep it that way.

Doll, look at my hair.

I will if you'll stop
looking at my wallet.

You and your bright ideas.

Oh, honey, it's a shame to
waste a talent like Chuck's.

The talent won't be wasted.

Ed needs a haircut every month.

Mister Ed?

He can look pretty, but
you don't care how I look.

Honey, I'd put you
up against Ed any day.

Oh, no, no.

I'll put you up
against Mister Ed.

And you can start
tonight, pillow to pillow.

- But, honey...
- You can sleep in the barn

until you agree to back
Chuck and the beauty parlor.

All right. Okay. I'll
sleep in the barn.

But if your feet get cold
in the middle of the night,

don't you come crawling
into my haystack.

Wilbur, why don't
you help Chuck?

He deserves a break.

I am not going to
invest any money

in an inexperienced man.

Yeah. That's what they
said about Thomas Edison.

And then the lights went on.

Look, if he's such
a great hairdresser,

why is he cutting your hair?

Well, he's bashful.

He says women make him nervous.

Oh, help him get out
of his shell, Wilbur.

I'm more interested

in getting myself
out of this barn.

What am I doing here anyway,
letting my wife push me around?

I mean, Roger didn't
invest any money,

and his wife isn't
pushing him around.

[laughter]

Good evening, roommate.

Et tu, Roger?

I trust you will
remove that beast.

I don't mind sharing my
quarters with an architect,

but I draw the
line at livestock.

Please, Rog, he's our host.

We're his guests.

Unfortunately, that's true.

I forgot my hot water bottle.

Why don't you and
Addison invest in Chuck

so you can both go
back to your own pads?

No, Ed. Nope.

We are not going
to give into our wives

if it means playing musical beds

for the next 20 years.

You know, Wilbur,
you're absolutely right,

and I'm sorry.

Thanks, Ed. Good night.

Good night, Wilbur.

I hope you and Addison
have a good night's sleep.

But not if I can help it.

I'm tired of you
stealing my blanket.

I didn't steal your blanket.

Oh, go to sleep.

[pop, gushing water]

Bees, blankets.
And now soaking me.

Just because you want
to give in to our wives

and open a beauty parlor,

you're trying to drive
me out of my mind.

What are you talking about?

You've been
swimming in your sleep?

Sleep.

I'd do anything for some sleep.

Wilbur, you and I are now
partners in a beauty shop.

Good night.

Hey, can't a fella get

a decent night's
sleep around here?

[Roger] Well, partner,
what do you think?

[Wilbur] Oh, just beautiful.
I wish we could afford it.

The girls did a great
job. Didn't they?

I sure am grateful
for all you've done.

Gee, I hope I
don't let you down.

Oh, you won't, Chuck.

When our wives showed
off their new hairdos,

the rest of the
women just flipped.

I knew he was a genius the
minute he made Kay pretty.

Uh, prettier, prettier.

Hey, Rog, I told
you we should invest.

You told me? I told you.

We'll argue about
it on our yachts.

Oh, Chuck.

Yes, Mrs. Post.

Guess who your first
customer is going to be.

Who?

Doris Manning.

She's coming in for a shampoo.

You don't seem at all impressed.

Well, I'm going home to
call some new customers.

No, I'm not gonna
waste time on the phone.

I'm going door to door

and drag the women
out of their kitchens.

I'll bring you some lunch.

Well, thanks, Mrs. Post.
But I brought it with me.

Oh, well, good luck, Chuck.

Thank you.

Good luck, Chuck.

Thank you.

See ya later.

Bye, boys.

I was embarrassed to ask,
but who's Doris Manning?

Who? I'll tell him.

Doris Manning, she's only the
most important woman in town.

The fashion editor of
The Daily Chronicle.

If she likes your work,

she'll write about
it in her column.

You'll be an instant success.

Of course, if she doesn't,
well, we're in real trouble.

Chuck.

Look, there's nothing
to worry about, Chuck.

[Roger] If he loses his
confidence, we lose our yachts.

He's in shock. Chuck, stand up.

I can't do Doris Manning's hair.

She's too important.

If she doesn't like it,
you'll lose all your money.

It'll all be my fault.

We've got faith in you.

Yes, of course we have.

But I haven't.

I couldn't even hold
a pair of scissors.

You'll be all right once
you've got the smock on

and the Coleman
scissors in your hand.

You'll get your confidence back.

Believe me. It's like a uniform.

You really feel the
part. Look, I'll show you.

I mean, a fella
like you can do it.

Really, look at
me. I'll look the part.

Hairdresser, huh?
See how simple it is?

Here comes Doris Manning.

Oh, no.

Stall her while I find...

I can't stall her. She
wants a shampoo.

A shampoo is a shampoo.

- Miss Manning?
- That's right.

Ms. Manning, there's
something I should tell you.

Well, so you're the
new boy wonder.

Are you?

Well, no.

Do a good job on
me, and you're made.

But, Miss Manning...

Send me out of here unhappy,

and a million
readers will hear of it.

Well, Miss Manning...

Oh, come along now. I
can't bear to be kept waiting.

Miss Manning,
I've got to tell you...

I would like a cut, a
shampoo and a set.

Yeah, well, I
would love to do it...

A cut, a shampoo and set.

But you see...

Look, I'm helping
to open this shop.

I can close it just as easily.

Yes, yes, ma'am.

[clears throat]

Well, perhaps a
little neck trim first.

Just a little...

I'm more of a trimmer

than I am a cutter, actually.

I'll just make a
little trim in here.

There we are.

Just thin it out, you know.

That seems to be all right.

Anything else we can do now?

Well, yes, I want a shampoo.

You want a shampoo.

Gee, I'm sorry I
let you all down.

Oh, it's all right, Chuck.

I guess we kind of
pushed you into it.

Well, I guess we better
go look for our husbands.

No.

I think it would be
better if we left town.

Oh, Charles, there's
soap in my eye.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That is a bit of a...
I'll get you a towel.

Well, it'll be all right.

Oh, stop playing
with that thing.

And by the way, I'd
like an egg shampoo.

Egg?

[Ed] You should be
ashamed of yourself.

Go back to the beauty parlor.

Go back to the beauty parlor.

Must be my subconscious.

Don't let your friends down.

Be a man.

Yeah.

Oh, when you set it, I'd
like it done in spit curls.

You want...?

Spit curls.

Plain, ordinary spit curls.

What are you doing?

I wasn't gonna... I'm
doing the best I can

to protect our investment.

Please, may I?

Why, it's a wonderful job!

But you're not the young man
who started working on me.

My assistant always
does the preliminary work,

and then I take over.

Well, everything the girls
said about you was right.

You're a marvel, and I
shall tell all my readers so.

But you, young man, I must say,

have rather a heavy touch.

Yes, you're right.

I'm thinking of giving
up the business.

It's too nerve-wracking for me.

But what shall I
tell my readers?

What do you call it?

It's direct from Paris, madame.

It's the latest
French poodle cut.

Thank you.

Mr. Post, I can't
thank you enough

for what you've all done for me.

I got my confidence back.

I'm not afraid of women anymore.

Good, Chuck.

Now I'm afraid of horses.

[laughing] He's nice.

I wonder how he really
did get his confidence back.

His subconscious
told him to do it.

How do you know?

I was standing right behind him

when it happened.

Ed, I thought you never
talked to anybody else but me.

Oh, who talked?

It was my subconscious
talking to his subconscious.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a
Filmways presentation.