Mister Ed (1958–1966): Season 3, Episode 25 - Doctor Ed - full transcript

Roger's TV goes on the blink, so he borrows Wilbur's set from Ed's barn, which causes Ed to fret that he will miss his daily doctor shows.

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪



[Mister Ed] 10 minutes
to 8. Let's see what's on.

"8:00, Young Dr. Jones.
8:30, City Intern.

9:00, Night Nurse."

Oh, this is my
night for the clinic.

I'd better make sure
I've got the correct time.

Wouldn't want to
miss the first incision.

[Kay] I'll never talk to
Selma Peterson again.

She's absolutely impossible.

I feel the same way, Kay.

[Carol] Have you ever
seen such a copycat?

You can bet she'll show up

at our club wearing the
same dress I just bought.

[Carol] And my hat.

And my saddle.



Uh, what did you say, Carol?

Nothing. There must be
somebody on the other line.

Would you girls mind hanging up?

This is a private
line. Who is this?

Dr. Jones. I'm trying to
reach the city hospital.

City hospital?

An emergency. I have
to remove an appendix.

Oh, I'm sorry, Doctor.

Our lines must
have gotten crossed.

[Carol] I'll talk
to you later, Kay.

Ed, I've spoken to you
about eavesdropping on Carol.

All my favorite medical
shows are on tonight,

and I wanted to
get the right time.

I'll fix that.

What were the girls doing?

Tearing Selma
Peterson apart again?

Yeah, people are so petty.

Always jealous.
Always competing.

What do you mean there's
no jealous among animals?

No, even in a horse race.

Those horses
don't care who wins.

Now he tells me.

Why can't people love
each other, Wilbur?

You know, they've got a
Be Kind to Animals Week.

They should have a Be
Kind to Humans Week.

Ed, that's a beautiful thought.

This would be a better world

if we each took an enemy
and made a friend out of him.

Take an enemy and make a friend.

That's what I like about you,
Ed. You're a thinking horse.

[chuckles]

And I don't even smoke.

Wilbur.

Will you do me a favor?

Well, sure, Rog, what is it?

Well, my TV set just blew out.

Could I borrow your
portable for a day or two?

[thump]

Oh, no.

I was gonna watch something.

Well, you got the
big set in the house.

Well, you see, Carol was
gonna watch something on that.

You mean you have
his and hers TV sets?

- No, Rog, I didn't mean that.
- [heavy clunk]

Hey, hey, hey.

Stop that, you stupid slug.

Ed, you get back in there.

Hey, look, he's bitten
through the wire here.

I'm sorry, he was
trying to eat the cord.

He'll eat anything.

Well, you should do
something about that fat clown.

I wish you wouldn't
call him names.

Ed, senses that
you don't like him.

Senses?

I'd be glad to
put it in writing.

Look, Rog, you
should be nicer to Ed.

You can't hold a grudge
for the rest of your life.

Look, you should try to
make a friend out of an enemy.

You are rapidly making
an enemy out of friend.

Would you please
step to one side

so I can get this out of
here? Thank you very much.

Now I'll miss all my
medical programs.

It's just for one night.

Besides, you see
enough medical programs

to hang out your own shingle.

- Ah.
- Good night.

Ooh, that old fuzz
lips declared war.

Even the U.N.
couldn't save him now.

Here your oats. Eat up, fella.

Just because Addison
borrowed your TV set,

there's no reason to
go on a hunger strike.

Now, come on, open your mouth.

Nope. Not one grain of oats
is crossing my picket line.

Ed, you'll get your set back.

When? He's had
it three days now.

That's 10 doctor
shows I've missed.

You can read about them
in the Medical Journal.

[Mister Ed] Ha ha ha.

Look, Ed, be patient.

Roger's getting some
estimates from TV repairmen.

And as soon as he
finds the right price,

he's gonna get his set fixed.

By the time he
finds the right price,

radio will be back.

You should be glad
to lend Roger your set.

What happened to your philosophy

about being kind to humans?

Who says Addison's human?

Please, get my set back.

A million horses
in this country,

and I had to pick on one
who's an ambulance chaser.

All right, I'll go
over to Addison's,

and I'll drop a gentle hint.

Uh, Wilbur,

start out by saying
"Hello, cheapskate."

That's gentle. That's gentle.

- Oh, hi, Wilbur.
- Hi, Kay.

Is Rog around?

Oh, he's getting dressed.
He'll be right down.

Say, I just put some coffee
on. Would you like some?

Yes, thank you.

That's a smart-looking
coat. When did you get it?

The coat, yesterday.

The fox will be eligible for
Social Security next year.

It's the latest thing, honey.

A lot of the girls are
using their old furs like this.

Say, Wilbur, will you
hold this up for me

so I can get an
idea how it looks?

Sure, sure.

- Like it?
- Uh-Huh.

It'll raise a little bit
once you get it on.

Here, I'll show you, Kay.

Honey, would you
mind slipping it on?

You're kidding.

Oh, come on, please, Wilbur.

You know I only
look good in mink.

Oh, just for a second, doll.

[both] Come on, Wilbur.

- All right.
- We're all alone.

Plus I won't do
justice to it in my flats.

Now, will you walk
out for me, Wilbur?

Sure.

Kay, do you think you'd
like a little longer hem line?

It's hard to tell. I'll be
wearing high heels.

Wilbur, would you mind
rising up on your toes?

Okay, if you let me wear this
to the ball park on Ladies Day.

Of course, the trim on the
hat and bag will really set it off.

- Yeah.
- There.

Honey, would you
mind holding the bag?

Why not? I feel
naked without it.

- Turn around, dear.
- All right.

Oh, I really like it.

It looks so chic.

And we know it's an original.

Until Selma Peterson copies it.

If she does, I'll kill myself.

Oh, she won't even see it.

She's not coming to
anymore of our meetings.

Why not?

Well, Marie at the
beauty parlor told me

that Selma found out
how we feel about her.

I wonder who told her.

Marie at the beauty parlor.

Well, that suits me.
I can't stand Selma.

She pretty hard to take.

You want to know what I think?

Just between us girls.

[both] What?

I think you're being
very unfair to Selma.

I don't think so. Why, she's
always copying my hats,

Kay's dresses, Hazel
Wilson's recipes...

Even that cold she had last week

she got from Dianne Cooper.

Carol, when you were
sick in bed that one time,

wasn't that Selma who
came to visit you ever day?

Well, I...

She just wanted to get
a look at your bedroom.

And, Kay, when you were
wanting to take driving lessons

and Rog wouldn't help you,

wasn't that Selma

who helped you get
your driver's license?

How'd you find out all this?

My barber dates Marie
at the beauty shop.

Oh, come on, why don't
you make up with Selma?

As a friend of mine once said,

"This would be a great
world if we each took a enemy

and tired to make a
friend out of them."

All right, girls?

Well, I'm not going
to make the first move.

I smell the coffee perking.

You can take that
off now, honey.

Good, I tell you...
This hook is stuck.

Oh, be careful, honey.
You'll rip the lining.

Here, I'll get the scissors.

Kay, where did you
leave the scissors?

[doorbell chimes]

Morning, lady. I
come to fix the TV set.

- Are you Mrs. Addison?
- No, I'm Mr. Post.

I guess I got the
wrong house, lady... sir.

No, no, this is the
Addisons'. Come on in.

Well, this is Mrs.
Addison's new coat.

I was just trying it on
so she could fix the hem.

Sure, mister.

This the one?

No, that's my horse's.

Mine, mine, mine.

This is the broken one.
The big one over here.

Good morning, dear.

I was just trying on Kay's coat.

I think you look adorable.

You see it was
the hem line first,

then the hook got stuck, and
Carol went after the scissors,

and I think I'll get
this coat back to Kay.

Forgot my purse.

Well, I mean...

My neighbor.

To each his own.

What's wrong with my set?

Looks like you need
a new condenser.

How much?

Oh, I figure 35 bucks.

35 bucks?

I have had a half dozen
estimates lower than that.

All those are estimates?

- That's right.
- On this set?

Of course.

There weren't that many
guys in my graduating class.

Good-bye.

[Kay] Cup of coffee, doll?

[Roger] No, thanks, dear..

How'd you make out, Rog?
You're getting the set fixed?

These estimates are ridiculous.

I've got a dozen bids

from $65 all the way down to 12.

Well, why don't you
take the $12 one?

Oh, we can't get
together on price.

Oh, look, Rog, I
don't want you to think

I'm pressing you
for the set, but...

You didn't want to lend
me that set in the first place.

Rog...

I didn't object when you
borrowed my wife's fur coat.

I'm only kidding, Rog.

Keep the set as
long as you want.

Till tomorrow anyway.

That does it.

If I can't watch my set,

he's not gonna watch it, either.

[grumbling]

Wilbur, only a child could think

of a devious trick like this.

Believe me, Rog, I did not
knock down your antenna.

Then who did?

I don't know. Maybe a
nearsighted pigeon bumped into it.

Give me one good reason

why I'd pull a trick
like this on you.

So the set you lent
me wouldn't work

and you'd take it back.

Hey, that's a good reason.

I wished I thought of that.

Uh, Mr. Post, there is a
dividing line between our property

and you were on
the wrong side of it.

Come on, Rog. Look,
we're friends, neighbors.

We shouldn't be having words.

From now on we
wouldn't have any.

If I should pass
you on the street

it won't be because
I'm nearsighted.

What's the matter, buddy-buddy?

Roger accused me of
knocking down his antenna.

Swell. Now you hate
him, and I hate him.

That's togetherness.

What bothers me, I didn't do it.

If it bothers you,

wait till he puts it
up again, then do it.

Go to sleep, Ed.

Yeah, yeah. No TV. Nothing.

Might as well hit the
hay before I eat it.

[Ed yawns]

Honey, guess
who just dropped in.

- Who?
- Selma Peterson.

Oh, good. How did that happen?

Remember that
nice thought you had

about making a
friend of an enemy?

Yeah.

Well, Kay and I sent a
box of candy over to Selma.

She dropped in with a
lovely bouquet of flowers

And Kay and I started to cry.

And Selma looked at
us and she started to cry.

[chuckles]

Best time to cry is when
you're happy, I guess.

Oh, I'm so happy
we made up with her.

I'm proud of you, dear.

Coming in?

- Yeah, soon as I put Ed to bed.
- Okay.

[Ed yawns]

How do you like that, Ed?

I get other people to
make up and be friends,

and then I make an
enemy out of my best friend.

Blaming you for knocking
down that antenna.

Gee, I hate that man.

Well, Ed, you
shouldn't hate anybody.

And I hate him for
taking my little TV set.

No, you don't, Ed.

You're soft-hearted.

That's why you like
these medical shows.

You see, doctors
are humanitarians.

If you were a doctor and
Rog came over here for help.

You wouldn't turn
him down, would you?

6 feet down.

I can't believe that.

Well, if I were a doctor,

I wouldn't help him.

Never.

A horse being a
doctor. Go to sleep, Ed.

That's it. Go to sleep, fella.

[snores]

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Uh.

What do you think of
Mr. Addison's condition, Doctor?

It looks like an acute
hemostosis of the left fibrosis.

What do you think caused it?

His condenser blew out.

Well, what time
should we operate?

Would 8:30 be all right, Doctor?

No. I don't want to compete
against Perry Mason.

How about tomorrow
morning at 7:30?

Impossible. My makeup
man doesn't get here till 8.

When do you want
to operate, Doctor?

Never.

But, Doctor Ed,

you are the finest brain
surgeon in the whole world.

To him, I'm just
a fat old clown.

Doctor Ed,

you can't allow your
personal hatred of this man

to stand in the
way of your duty.

Remember, sir,
you are a doctor first

and a horse second.

Yeah.

I've come to a decision.

Are the scalpels
sterilized and ready?

- Yes, sir.
- Good.

Slice me some carrots.

[snoring continues]

I don't remember
operating on this patient.

You didn't, Doctor. I did.

- You?
- Well, I couldn't
sleep last night,

so I got up, and I took out
Mr. Hutchins' frontal lebota.

The chart says this
patient is Mr. Fenwick.

So that's what he
was trying to tell me.

And why didn't you listen?

I thought he was being chicken.

Well. Nurse, why are this
man's hands in traction?

- It was either him or me.
- Hmm.

This is Mr. Johnson,
a television repairman.

What was my diagnosis?

Um, "lumbosis of the channelosis

with complications
of the antennaosis."

There's been a lot
of it going around.

It'll be a pleasure
to operate on him.

He's got the perfect
complexion for color TV.

Uh, Dr. Post?

Uh, Dr. Post?

Did they teach you
that in medical school?

No, sir. Junior high.

Doctor Ed, we're in love,
and we want to be married

just as soon as Wilbur
becomes a brain surgeon.

He'll never be a brain surgeon.

Why not, Doctor?

'Cause I'm a brain surgeon,

and this network isn't
big enough for both of us.

Well, what about Mr. Addison?

- Are you gonna operate now?
- Never.

I wouldn't touch that man
with a 10-foot thermometer.

What do you say, doll?

Shall I beg Doctor
Ed to operate?

Never.

But you can't go through
life without a condenser.

Would it make any
difference to you?

Oh, now, Addison,

you've just got to let
Doctor Ed save you.

You know how
awful I look in black.

No. Besides, his
fee is ridiculous.

$10,000.

But it's only money, and
you can't take it with you.

I can. I'll eat it before I go.

Hello, Mr. Addison,
Mrs. Addison.

Let me make you
more comfortable.

- [humming]
- Hey. Hey, hey, hey.

- What's the idea?
- What are you doing, Doctor?

Well, this is my
first brain operation.

I thought it might bring me luck

if I shaped him
like a horseshoe.

You... You are gonna operate?

- Yeah.
- Kay, I'm scared.

You're scared? Look at me.

Ohhhh! [crying]

[snoring continues]

Sponge.

Clamp.

Scalpel.

Huh?

Scalpel.

Crazy little knife.

There was one
around here someplace.

[Roger] Here, stupid.

She's gotta give it to me,

or we get in trouble
with the union.

[scalpel clangs on floor]

Clumsy me.

Marry me now.

What about the patient?

He's got a wife.

Doctor, look! He's sinking!

Only Doctor Ed can save him now.

Doctor Ed wanted in
surgery. Emergency.

Doctor Ed wanted in
surgery. Emergency.

♪♪ [bugle call]

What happened?

He's sinking.

It's too late, Doctor.

Oh, it's not too late.

I can still save him.

It's not too late.

No, it's not too late.

I can still save
him. It's not too late.

No! No! It's not too late!

- It's not... [gasping]
- Ed. Ed. Hey. Hey.

- Fella, take it easy.
- [sighing]

Take it easy. What
happened, old boy?

You have a bad dream?

Oh, Wilbur, I was wrong.

I don't hate Addison.
I'd save him if I could.

Of course you would, Ed.

And it's my fault
he's angry with you.

I tore down his antenna.

- You?
- Yeah.

Tell him I did it, Wilbur. I
don't want you to have enemies.

- All right. All right. I'll tell
him - [breathing heavily]

if it'll make you
feel any better.

Now, look, Ed.
Come on. Calm down.

- You go back to sleep.
- [breathing slowing]

That's all right. Back...
Back... Back to sleep.

- Why did I do it?
- No, no. Back to sleep.

Why did I do it? Ohh.

- Ah, hi, Wilbur.
- Oh, hello, Rog.

Look, you can keep the set
a while longer if you want to.

Well, thanks, Wilbur,
but I've had mine repaired.

Swell. Look, Rog, I did not
knock down your antenna...

Wilbur, I know. I know.
And I'm sorry I blamed you.

As you said, it was the
wind that blew it down.

Yeah.

Well, look, Rog, if you
want to know the truth...

As you said, it was the wind.

Of course.

- Come on, Rog.
- All right.

Oh, boy. Oh.

[Man] Bad news, Doctor.

- It's starting to spread
through the whole ward.
- Ohh.

I'd order immediate
inoculation for all the patients.

Gee.

[TV off]

What do you want, Ed?

Wilbur, is TV contagious?

Contagious?

I was watching City Hospital,

and I think I
caught chicken pox.

A horse can't get chicken pox.

Well, chickens don't get it.

That's right. People get it.

Ohh. Ohh.

Well, if it's good
enough for people,

I guess it's good
enough for horses.

Better call the vet, Wilbur.

[scoffs]

Uh, is my head hot?

You're all right, Ed.

- [moaning]
- There's nothing wrong
with you, Ed.

All you need is exercise.

I receive so many
letters from you girls,

and the letters
kind of go like this...

Dear Jack LaLanne,

please show us something
to firm up the hips.

All right. I want you to
lie on your side, face me.

Then I want you to lift your
leg up as high as you can...

- Uh-oh.
- Ready? Begin.

1 and 2. That's it.
And higher. And down.

Up, down. And rest.

1, 2. That was fine. Perfect.

- Mm-hmm.
- Now, the next move
we're gonna do,

we'll be standing on our
feet, so everyone get up.

Come on. Everyone,
up on your feet.

That's it. Up, up, up, up, up.

We always have somebody
that's kind of a slow one.

- Get up. Up on your feet.
- Slow?

Great. That's it.

The next exercise is
dedicated to all of you

who want to have
a lovelier neck...

- That's for me.
- and a nice, firm chin.

Let's all begin
together. Ready? Go.

1, 2.

That's it. Slowly. And up.

And down. And around. That's it.

And 1. And 2.

- Feel it? And 1.
- Great.

- And 2.
- That feels good.

The next exercise we're gonna do

is something to
firm up the waistline

so you can look much
nicer in your clothes.

- Gee.
- Here's how it goes.

We go first to the
right, then to the left.

Now, you go with
me. Ready? Begin.

1, 2.

- 1, 2. Right...
- Swing it, Jack.

1, 2.

Way out. And swing.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a
Filmways presentation.