Mister Ed (1958–1966): Season 3, Episode 23 - Ed the Zebra - full transcript

Roger wants to dress up Ed in a suit, so he can shoot a photo of him to enter in a photography contest.

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪



Hey, Ed, listen to this.

"Henry Tyler, well-known
local building contractor

"to erect eight-story
apartment house

on Wilshire Boulevard."

Well.

I wonder if he's
hired an architect.

Uh, want me to take
his secretary to lunch

and find out?

Henry Tyler.

That's the fellow Roger's
always talking about.

They went to college together.

Boy, what a contact.

Anybody who knows Roger
Addison can't be all good.

Addison doing Wilbur a favor?



[chuckles]

This I got to see.

Why certainly, Wilbur.

I'll be happy to
call up Henry Tyler

and recommend you for the job.

Oh, I'd appreciate it, Rog.

Gee, an eight-story building.

If I got the job, I wouldn't
know how to thank you.

All I'd want is a handshake.

Thank you, Roger.

And any little token
of appreciation

you might have in
your hand at the time.

No, I'm only kidding.

All I'd want in return from
you is just a little favor.

Ah, how little?

Well, I entered a national
photographic contest,

and I'd like to take a
picture of your horse.

- Ed?
- That's right.

That's very flattering,

but you've always said
that Ed's funny-looking.

[sighs]

Look what won last year.

That is funny.

Not as funny as your horse

wearing a suit with
two pairs of pants.

Ed with pants, that
would be a riot. What?

Think of it, Wilbur.

With a shot like
that, I couldn't miss.

That would be funny,
Ed dressed like a man.

We could call it
"The Clothes Horse."

Not a bad idea.

Why don't we dress
him up formally?

You know, top hat, white tie.

He's got the tails.

Wonderful. We'll get the
girls to whip up a costume.

[chuckles]

You know, it seems
like only yesterday

Ed was a little colt,

and here we are discussing
his first pair of long pants.

Two pair.

Two.

Nobody's going to
make me look like a fool.

Wearing pants.

I'm a horse, not a lamb chop.

Ed?

Ed, this door is stuck.
Would you open it up, please?

Sorry. I'm out to lunch.

Stop kidding around.

I got something
important to tell you.

Mail me a letter.

Ed, are you going
to open this door

or do I have to knock it down?

Are you making me wear clothes?

Oh.

So that's it, huh?

Nobody's putting
clothes on this horse.

Making me wear clothes.

Next he'll be putting
laces in my shoes.

A garter belt to
keep my saddle up.

Oh.

I was born a nudist,
and I'll die a nudist.

Uh-oh.

Ed, I think you're
being ridiculous.

You want to put clothes
on me, and I'm ridiculous?

It's only for the
photograph, and it's in fun.

Have you lost your
sense of humor?

No, and I'm not losing
my dignity, either.

Dignity?

A horse is the noblest animal,

and we don't like
to be ridiculed.

Look, Roger is doing his best

to help me land this
big Tyler contract,

and you're going to
pose for that photograph.

Oh, if I wanted people
to stare and laugh at me,

I'd join the zoo.

You couldn't get into a zoo.

A horse is not a wild animal.

Well, you put pants on me,

and you're going to have the
wildest animal you ever saw.

You get back in
your stall. Go on.

No.

Get back in there.

[Ed groans]

Kay, do you think we
have enough material?

Don't ask me. I never made
a suit for a horse before.

It should make a
hilarious picture.

[both laugh]

Cool it, Ed.

What's the matter, Wilbur?

It's this stubborn horse.

Now, come on, Ed. Cut that out.

Go... Ed.

[grunts]

What's the matter, honey?

Oh, he's just nervous.

Like that time when he got
his first haircut, remember?

He should feel honored.

How many horses get
their clothes tailor-made?

Yeah, I've been
buying mine off the rack.

Here, honey. Let's
start measuring him.

All right.

Well, we'll, uh... We'll
begin with his legs, huh?

Ed, you cut that out.

Come on.

Outside seam is, uh, 36.

Outside seam, 36.

Uh, waist coming up.

[hums]

There we are.

Ah-ha. 49.

I think he's holding his breath.

What?

[Ed exhales]

Uh, 54.

You know, if anyone saw this,

they'd be measuring
us for a strait jacket.

Okay, honey, what's next?

Oh, next. Well, it's... Tail.

Tail.

Uh-huh. Now, will he be
wearing the tail inside or outside?

Eh, we'll just shove one
end of it in his trouser pocket

and let it dangle
out like a key chain.

I think he'd look funnier

if we just let
his tail hang out.

Yes, that would
be more ridiculous.

Uh, girls, look, I know
we're after a funny picture,

but let's not overdo it.

Now, I want narrow lapels,
a single-breasted jacket,

no padding... Ed
has nice shoulders.

And I want no pleats
on the trousers.

Let's finish the measuring, huh?

Well, kids, how are we
coming with the outfit?

If we make the suit
that Wilbur wants,

Mr. Ed could be
presented in court.

Roger.

Huh?

How... How did you make
out with your friend Tyler?

Did you talk to him?

I, uh, phoned his hotel,

and he invited me to have lunch
with him tomorrow at the pool.

But don't worry. I'll
give you a big build-up.

That's swell. Now,
look, don't exaggerate.

I mean, he must be
a very shrewd man.

Very well, I'll
tell him the truth.

You're ambitious.
You need the job.

You're hard-working.

You're not the best
architect in the world,

but certainly
you're not the worst.

Do me a favor.

- What?
- Exaggerate.

Hey, kids, how soon do you
think you can have the outfit ready?

- Roger?
- What?

Don't rush them. I
want Ed to look nice.

Well, he's got a nice build,

and we should
take advantage of it.

And he's going to build
an eight-story building.

Ed, all set. Now...

Where do you think you're going?

Anywhere.

Even to the zoo
if they'll take me.

Here we go again.

Why not?

You're making an
exhibition out of me.

Stop dramatizing, Ed.

I think a man should
wear the pants in his family,

not his horse.

Ed, will you try to understand?

Roger is doing me a favor.

I stand to make a lot of money.

Well, is money everything?

When my friends
see that picture,

I'll be the laughing
livestock of the country.

My.

I wouldn't want that, Ed.

And another thing,

Mom taught us kids to
be proud we were horses.

She did, huh?

"Eddie," she'd say,
"hold your head up high.

"Let your mane
fly in the breeze.

"Don't lower your
tail for anyone."

She sounds like
a grand old lady.

Her name was Mary.

Grand old name.

She raised five of
us kids all by herself.

All by herself, huh?

Yeah, Dad got it
at San Juan Hill.

Gee.

The bullet was meant for Teddy.

Ed, you're father was a hero.

Well, Dad would've
wanted it that way.

You must be very
proud of your family, Ed.

Now you know why I don't
want to embarrass them.

I'm going to tell Roger
to get another horse.

Oh, bless you, Wilbur.

Bless you, boy.

If he ever finds
out Dad's alive,

I'm dead.

What do you mean your
horse can't pose for my picture?

As I said, Rog, it's
a matter of dignity.

How would your mother like it

if somebody threw a
saddle on your back

and took your picture?

My mother would probably
order a dozen prints.

I still can't understand
what you're trying to say.

Simply that I don't want
Ed to look ridiculous.

He was born that way.

Wilbur, I am
disappointed in you.

Here I go out of my way

to arrange an appointment
for you with Henry Tyler,

and this is how you repay me.

Rog, I don't want
Ed to be humiliated.

He comes from a very
proud and sensitive family.

Good night, Wilbur.

Why don't you rent a
horse for the picture?

I'll pay for it.

Good night, Wilbur.

When you talk to Mr. Tyler
will you still mention my name?

Good night, Wilbur?

Good night.

Wilbur, I don't understand you.

How can you let the
biggest opportunity

you've had in years pass you by

because of that horse?

Carol, try to put
yourself in Ed's place.

I wish I could.
I'd be better off.

Oh, honey, why are you
so concerned about Ed?

He's your horse, not your son.

A mere accident of birth.

I don't need anybody to
introduce me to Henry Tyler.

I can get to meet him myself.

How?

Easy.

He has lunch by
the pool every day,

so I just drop by
there tomorrow.

I introduce myself. I
make a good impression.

It'll be easy.

Wilbur?

Do you think your precious
horse can spare you tomorrow?

You know, I'm glad
I'm not Ed's father

because then he wouldn't have
a very understanding mother.

- Here you are, sir.
- Oh.

All right, thank you, my dear.

There you are.

Uh, miss, could you please
tell me where Mr. Tyler is?

Why, yes, sir, he's
right over there.

Thank you.

[Mr. Tyler humming]

Oh.

It's a lovely day.

It was.

Say, aren't you Henry
Tyler, the builder?

That's right.

I saw your picture in the paper.

My name is Wilbur Post.

Yep.

Ooh, uh, sorry.

Here's a towel.

I thought it was a towel.

I'm in the building game myself.

Huh.

You know, you've got a
great reputation, Mr. Tyler.

As a matter of fact,

some of these new
buildings you've put up

make this place look sick.

I built it.

Built to last 100 years.

I'm working on a
little project right here.

I'll spread it out for you.

Aah!

Oh, sorry. Here, I'll
get that off for you.

Sure looks like a
towel, doesn't it?

I'll move you around.
The sun will dry you off.

No, no, no, no, please.
Please don't bother.

No bother at all.

No, no, no, I was
reading a contract.

Where is it?

Oh, here it is under here.

I'll get it for you. Sit still.

- Oh, just a minute.
- Aah!

There.

Don't worry about the
contracts, Mr. Tyler.

I found them.

Wilbur, you know
I'm not the kind of wife

who says I told you so.

I appreciate that, honey.

How was I to know

things wouldn't work
out the way I planned?

Because I told you so.

Oh, honey, if
you'd only let Roger

take that picture of Mr. Ed,

he would've introduced
you to Mr. Tyler

and none of this
would've happened.

Carol, will you
try to understand?

I just couldn't let Roger
make Ed look ridiculous.

You're the one
that's ridiculous.

I don't know whether
you know this or not,

but Ed comes from a
very distinguished family.

I just couldn't see desecrating
the son of a war hero.

War hero?

Ed lost his father at the
battle of San Juan Hill.

How can that be?

That battle was in 1898.

Ed's father wasn't
even born then.

Have you finished Ed's outfit?

Just about.

Well, finish it.

And get Roger on the phone.

We are taking
that picture of Ed.

Oh, wonderful, honey.

What made you change your mind?

No horse is going to
make a monkey out of me.

[Carol] Doesn't
he look precious?

[Kay] Oh, he's a riot.

Hey, Wilbur, can you get
him to move around a little?

All right, Rog, you've
got enough shots.

Do you think we could get a
shot of Ed smoking a cigar?

I'm sorry, Rog.
Ed doesn't smoke.

Oh, come on,
honey. It's all in fun.

Tilt his hat more, Wilbur.

It will make him look
even more ridiculous.

[all laugh]

You've already shot
over a dozen pictures.

That's right, Wilbur,
and thank you very much.

Now, Kay, will you
hold the camera

while I unscrew the tripod?

Oh, Roger, don't forget
to send us some prints.

[Kay] He looks even more
hysterical than a chimpanzee.

[all laugh]

[Roger] With a shot like this,

I'm a cinch to win first prize.

[Carol] Oh, of course.

You can't miss, Roger.

[Roger] You should've seen
the one that won last year.

This is a thousand
times funnier.

This clown is wonderful.

Well, Ed, that
wasn't so bad, was it?

Look at it this way, Ed.

Roger's going to
square things with Tyler,

and I'll be able to get
that contract, you see.

And then the money
will come rolling in,

and I'll be able to buy
you a lot of nice things.

Yeah, I'll take these
clothes off you, Ed.

Don't touch me.

Hey, Joe, what's a
horse doing here?

What horse?

Oh, he must have wandered
over from the riding stable.

Come on. Beat it, boy.

Beat it. Shoo.

Get! Beat it!

Hmm, wet paint.

Why not? It's worth a try.

Mmm.

Where did this zebra come from?

That ain't no zebra.
He's too big for a zebra.

He's got stripes.
He ain't no kangaroo.

I ain't never seen
a zebra that big.

They have zebras
in South America

grow as big as a horse.
A very rare species.

Yeah?

What do they call them?

Big zebras.

Technical name, huh?

Yeah, he must have
jumped the fence, all right.

Better get him inside.

Ed, I brought you
some nice, fresh carrots.

[Mister Ed] "Dear Wilbur,

"If I'm going to be made fun of,

"I may as well be in the zoo.

"You can visit me on
Sundays and throw peanuts.

"Your ex-horse, Ed."

I got to find him.

All right, boys, now
the zebra. Come along.

Now, the zebra's a member

of the equine
family of the horse.

It is distinguished
from the horse

by stripes on its
body, tail, and legs.

Do all zebras have
stripes on their tails?

That's right, Tommy.

How come that one
doesn't have any?

How come?

Uh, we don't talk with
a full mouth, Tommy.

Now, how come?

I didn't say all species, Tommy.

You weren't listening.

Now, another thing
about the zebra

is that it's more
intelligent than the horse.

[blows raspberry]

That's not nice, Tommy.

I didn't do it. It
was that big zebra.

Scouts never fib, Tommy.

All right, boys. [whistle]

Come on. We're going to
visit our friend the kangaroo.

Don't let him fool you, kid.

Horses are smarter than zebras.

You talk, zebra?

Sure.

Why don't you have
stripes on your tail?

Aw, b-b-beat it, kid.

Want to get me
thrown out of here?

[whistle]

Tommy, what are you doing?

Now, you were told to stay
with the group. Now, come on.

Horses are smarter than zebras.

What makes you so sure?

That zebra told me.

One more fib today, and I'll...

I'll untie all your knots.

Now, come on.

That zebra talked. He talked.

These children.

What an imagination
they have at that age.

Ed.

Ed, I know that's you
behind those stripes.

Look, Ed, I don't blame you
for running away from home.

If people made fun of
me, I'd do the same thing.

Look, Ed, if you let
me take you home,

I promise you I won't let
anybody humiliate you again.

Promise?

You'll never have to
wear clothes again, Ed.

Honest?

From now on, the only thing

I'm putting on your back is me.

[Ed chuckles]

Hi, Ed. Any phone calls?

Just one, boss. Mr. Tyler.

Oh, what did he have to say?

He wants to have lunch with
you to discuss your sketches.

Oh, did he say where?

Yeah, he said any
place but the pool.

[both laugh]

Yeah.

Wilbur,

look at what won that
photography contest.

Oh, let's see.

Next year I'm coming in here

with a lady's hat and a handbag.

You do and you'll
have to wear it yourself.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a
Filmways presentation.