Mister Ed (1958–1966): Season 3, Episode 2 - Wilbur the Good Samaritan - full transcript

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪



Uh-oh!

Good morning, Ed. What
are you doing out here?

I'm looking for the newspaper.

I can't enjoy my
morning cup of hay

without the newspaper.

Well, how nice for you.

You just have to wait'll
I get finished with it.

I don't like a gooey paper.

[Ed] I don't leave it gooey.

Yes, you do.

You're always turning
the pages with your tongue.

[Ed] No!

There it is, up on the roof.

Uh, that Roger's pretty sneaky.



Steals our paper, reads it,

then throws it up on the roof.

Not Roger.

It's that delivery
boy with a bad aim.

Well, you hold still, and
I'll climb on your back.

You hold still, and
I'll climb on your back.

Now, don't be smart.

Can't a guy have a little fun?

You're not a guy.
You're a horse.

And sometimes, I
wish you'd act like one.

[Ed] Oh!

[Ed grunting]

Oh!

Ah!

Ed, where do you
think you're going?

Ed, come back here.

You told me to act like a horse.

I'm acting like a horse.

If you're not back here
by the time I count to three,

there'll be no television
for you tonight.

1... 2... 3...

97... 98... 99... 100.

[Roger] Good morning, Wilbur.

[Kay] Good morning, Wilbur.

I know I shouldn't
ask, but, uh...

I was looking for my newspaper.

I knew I shouldn't have asked.

I can't get down.

How did you get up?

My horse helped me.

I shouldn't have asked, either.

Look, I haven't had
any breakfast yet.

Would you mind
getting me a ladder?

How would you like
it, sunny side up?

There's one around the
other side of the house.

[Ed] Ha ha.

All right, wise guy,

get over here so
I can climb down.

From now on, when I ask
you to get me something,

I want you to get it fast,

and no more of
your smart tricks.

You started the whole
thing by calling me a horse.

Well, what are you?

Let's not get personal.

Ed, where are you?

[thud]

Ooh.

Ah! Just for that,
there'll be no TV,

and no bedtime
story for you tonight.

Go to your stall!

You go to your stall.

[groaning]

Big deal.

Wilbur, I'm not the type

to leave a cat
stranded up a tree,

or a jackass on a roof.

Now, come on down.
I know you're up there.

You're too cowardly to jump.

Wilbur.

Wilbur.

Wilbur.

Hey, Wilbur!

Wilbur, come back
with my ladder!

Tell him that I want my newspaper
delivered on my doorstep.

After all, that's what
doorsteps are for.

Please, honey.

If they wanted
doorsteps on the roof,

they would have
put them on the roof.

Then, where would
our country be?

That's Addison!

I'd know those legs anywhere.

What's he doing on our roof?

Okay, Rog, that's
it. I've got you, fella.

I've got you. Don't worry.

Just... Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

[Roger groaning]

He's gotta get tighter shoes.

I fell off the roof.

What were you
doing up there, doll?

Why don't you ask Shifty?

Why did you take
the ladder away?

And don't look at me with
those innocent green eyes.

Stop shouting, and
my eyes are blue.

Baby blue.

Thank you.

Addison, Wilbur wouldn't
play a dirty trick like that on you.

I wouldn't put anything past
this overgrown delinquent.

Overgrown delinquent?

Why, that, that, that,
that newspaper stealer.

Sure seemed upset.

Wilbur, why did
you take the ladder?

I didn't.

Then who did?

Wh-What ladder?

The ladder I found
hidden behind the barn.

Wh-What barn?

Ed, you disobeyed me,

and you are going
to be punished.

It's tough to be a horse
when your heart isn't in it.

[door slamming]

It's that newsboy's
fault, not mine.

Well, more complaints.

[phone buzzing]

Hello, Daily Star
Circulation Department.

Hunt speaking.

My name is Wilbur Post.

I want to cancel
my subscription.

Was something
the matter, Mr. Post?

Well, what are you
doing out so early, Rog?

I presume the same as you,

to have a chat with our
so-called delivery boy.

Yesterday I found my
paper in the bird bath.

Oh, here's the little
troublemaker coming now.

Just a minute, young man.

I'll handle this.

It's my house. I'll handle it.

What is your name, young man?

Joey, sir.

Joey, you've been
delivering papers here for...

I won't be anymore,
sir. I was fired!

There goes my football
uniform I was saving for.

You handle it.

Joey...

It's your house.

Gee, they didn't
have to fire you.

Certainly not. That's no
way to mold character.

I tried to talk
Mr. Hunt out of it,

but he was really sore
because of what that man said.

What man, Joey?

Mr. Hunt wouldn't
tell me his name.

All's he said was

one of my customers complained

for 20 full minutes.

I guess I can't blame him.

Who would turn in a
sweet-faced boy like that?

Decent lad, if ever I saw one.

Imagine getting
a little kid fired.

What a dastardly thing to do.

The man must be sick.

Well, there's no sense
standing out here.

It's getting rather cold.

A lot colder than I thought.

Oh, Post.

What is it, Addison?

Mrs. Addison tells me

we're playing cards
at your house tonight.

So I understand.

We may not be able to make it.

I'm not feeling too well.

Good.

Uh, good of you to tell me.

Ooh.

Honey, you're wrong about Roger.

I'll admit he may
be tight and stiff

and vain and arrogant,

but he's too nice a man
to do a thing like that.

Nice?

He'd pull a chair out from
under Whistler's mother.

You have no proof
that Wilbur is guilty.

He's too decent to
turn in a little boy.

That baby face of
Wilbur's doesn't fool me.

Addison, put on your jacket.

You put it on, and
go as both of us.

Oh?

Is this going to be one
of our violent nights?

Just because you
say Wilbur is guilty

doesn't automatically
make it so.

It so happens, my dear,
that I can read character.

If you could read character,

you never would've married me.

Addison, put on your jacket.

Come on!

You're going.

Turn out all the lights.

They'll think we went to bed.

That's ridiculous.

We're insured. Let's
burn the house down.

Wilbur, will you stop?

[doorbell ringing]

Hi! How are you?

Good evening, Carol.

Oh, you look so pretty.

Thank you. So do you.

Hello, Wilbur.

Come in, come in!

We've been waiting for you.

How are you, Wilbur?

Ah, you're looking fine, Rog.

Thank you.

I was about to phone
you and see how you felt.

No sense running up
your phone bill, Wilbur.

You make enough telephone calls.

Well, let's sit guarded...
Uh, get started.

Let's play bridge.

Oh, Wilbur, aren't we lucky?

Not only are our
neighbors nice people,

but they also play bridge.

You never know what the
fellow next door is capable of.

Strange, those were my thoughts.

Oh, well, let's not play
the usual way tonight.

Let's switch partners.

Uh, good idea.

Uh, I enjoy a nice
sociable evening.

It's, uh, so much fun.
Don't you agree, Wilbur?

- [doorbell ringing]
- Excuse me.

Well, hello.

Is Mr. Post in, please?

Yes, come in.

Wilbur, a young
gentleman to see you.

Well, hello, Joey. And
what can I do for you?

Well, uh, my dad said I
should come over to apologize.

Oh, what for?

Dad made Mr. Hunt tell him

the name of the
man that reported me.

Well, he certainly
didn't say that I did.

Don't feel bad, Mr. Post.

My dad says sometimes it's
necessary to rat on somebody.

But, but that's, that's
not, that's not true.

Oh, that's... I mean, why
would Mr. Hunt say that I...

Come, dear.

Roger, Kay, now look.

You know I wouldn't
do a thing like that.

I admit I was annoyed
about the newspaper,

but I would never rat
on a little child like that.

Roger, you know
that... [door slams]

Honey, they think
that I would... honey.

Surely, you don't think
that I'm... I'm innocent!

I-I'm innocent now!

This is a
miscarriage of justice!

Pssst.

Uh... Pssst.

Wilbur, I know you're innocent.

Why would Mr. Hunt
say that I turned Joey in?

Maybe because I used your name.

I wouldn't turn... You?

[sobbing] Yeah, yeah.

Oh, Wilbur, I... I
did a terrible thing,

and I'm sorry.

You should be.

Why did you do it, Ed?

How do I know? I'm only a horse.

[sobbing] Your handkerchief?

All right, all right.

Get my nose.

[blowing nose]

Okay, Ed, now, you know
what you're supposed to do.

After all the trouble I caused,

you think I'd let Joey down?

Yeah, well, do you remember

what time I want
you to telephone me?

Relax, will you, Wilbur?
I already set my watch.

I've got, uh, 1:15.

Sorry, Mr. Post,
but taking Joey back

is just out of the question.

Too many people have
been complaining about him.

You did it yourself.

No, I didn't phone. That was Ed.

Ed?

Well, that's a fella
who lives with me.

[phone buzzing]

Daily Star, Circulation
Department, Hunt speaking.

Would you mind
speaking up, madam?

This is, uh, this
is Mrs. Higgins.

I'm one of Joey's customers.

Uh, yes, Mrs.
Higgins. What about it?

Well, unless that nice
boy gets his job back,

I'm going to cancel
my subscription.

Oh, but, Mrs. Higgins... [click]

Mrs. Higgins, huh?

She's one of Joey's
customers, too.

She was calling to
complain, too, huh?

No, no, she asked
me to keep him on.

Oh, she's a sweet
little old lady,

always helping Boy
Scouts across the street.

[phone buzzing]

Daily Star, Circulation
Department, Hunt speaking.

Oh, yes, Mr. Bridges.

Say, what happened
to that Joey kid

who used to throw my
paper in the tree all the time?

Oh, well, you don't have to worry
about him anymore, Mr. Bridges.

We let him go.

You let him go?

Why... Why climbing that
tree was the only exercise I got!

Well, but, but, Mr. Bridges...

Don't you care
about us veterans?

Well, of course, I
care about veterans!

It's just that Joey was...

[click, dial tone]

Hello? Hello!

That's a veterans'
organization calling

to get Joey back, huh?

Who said anything
about an organization?

It was just one veteran.

George Washington
was just one veteran.

Mr. Post, don't you
think it rather odd

that ever since
you walked in here,

this phone has kept ringing
with requests to rehire Joey?

- Are you implying that I would...
- [phone buzzing]

Daily Star, Circulation
Department, Hunt speaking.

Oh, yes, Colonel Ashton.

I want to compliment you all

on firing that young
scalliwag Joey.

Well, uh, thank you.

We, uh, try to do
our best, Colonel.

Now maybe my
son can get the job.

He's 24. He's shiftless.

He's no account, but he
can sure use the salary.

Oh, well, uh, thank you.

Thank you very
much, Colonel Ashton.

Uh, we'll see.

You know, it's tough to get
good newsboys these days.

Maybe I ought to give
Joey another chance,

but one more paper on
one more roof, and he's out.

Mr. Hunt, it's people like you

who make people like me realize

that there wouldn't
be people like us,

if it weren't for
people like them.

[clatter]

Uh-oh.

Only one little boy I know

can make a sound like that.

Joey, what happened?

Mr. Post, I was doing
just what you said.

I was keeping my eye
on the front steps so good,

I just guess I didn't
see the tree coming.

Joey, are you hurt?

No, but I will be when
my father finds out.

Mr. Post, I'm just a failure.

Oh, now, come on.
I wouldn't say that.

No. All we've gotta do

is just get this wheel
straightened out.

Tell you what. You take
this to Benson's Garage,

have them fix it,
and charge it to me.

Thanks, Mr. Post.

I just hope I get back in
time to deliver my papers.

Uh-oh.

Wilbur, we ought to have
all the papers delivered

before Carol wakes up.

We?

Well, why not?

Between us, we've got six legs.

All right.

I sure hope nobody sees us.

They'll think we're
delivering the racing form.

Our first stop is Roger's house.

Put a paper in my mouth.

No, I'll throw the papers.

[groaning]

Oh, what are you groaning about?

Oh, yeah.

Okay, Roger's house. Let's go.

See, the whole idea is to keep
your eye on the target, huh?

I used to pitch in high school.

I wind up, aim.

I'll give this my old
knuckle ball. Wham!

Ball 1.

Wind must have shifted.

Let's forget Roger.
He can't read anyway.

No, that paper's on the roof.

I've gotta get it off.

Mr. Hunt said one
more paper on the roof,

Joey is finished.

Well, I'll get a ladder.
You wait right here.

I'd better deliver
Joey's papers myself.

Time and Ed wait for no man.

Addison. Addison!

Addison, wake up!

What's the matter?
What happened?

Addison, sshh!

You woke me up to
tell me to keep quiet?

There's a man on the roof.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

[Addison stammering]

Ah, don't worry, doll.
Mommy will protect you.

Ed? Ed!

Please hurry!

Doll, the police are on the way!

Oh, don't you dare go out there!

These are for you, I
mean, to protect you.

I'm the man, and
I'm going out there.

And after all these years, I
thought you were a coward.

This is no time to remind me.

Wilbur's gone!

Well, I heard a noise
outside, and when I woke up,

he wasn't in our room.

I looked all over,
but he's gone!

Well, maybe he went
to look for the burglar.

Burglar? What burglar?

There's someone on our roof!

That must be him sneaking
around the side of the house.

All right, come on.

- Huh?
- Hey, hold it.

What's going on here?

- What do you think you're...
- Take it easy.

[Roger yelling]

It's the police.

They've got someone
on the ground.

It must be the burglar.

Give him another one, officers!

[Roger groaning] Oh!

Hit him one for me, too!

And make it a good one! Come on.

I'll tell Addison that
they've got the burglar.

Poor doll. Probably
hiding in the garage.

Hey! How about that burglar?

Why, he's hitting that
policeman with Roger's golf club.

[Roger] Oh!

And he's wearing
Roger's robe, and...

[scuffling]

I intend to sue the Police
Department this morning.

Look, mister, we got a call.

We see you climbing a
ladder, so we jump you.

They'll buy that, George.

Well, can't you see
that my husband

is not the burglar type?

Lady, a guy in a robe
at 6:00 in the morning

is climbing a ladder with
a hammer in one hand

and a golf club in another.

What type is that?

The type that sues.

We're standing here,

and my husband is out there
at the mercy of the burglar!

- Your husband?
- Yes!

Well, don't worry, lady.

We've got the block surrounded.

[Wilbur] Get your hands off me!

You don't understand!

Oh, you're safe.

Look, I've been
trying to tell this man

that I was simply delivering
newspapers on my horse.

Sure, everybody
delivers newspapers

on horseback, in his pajamas.

I intend to sue.

You'll have to wait your turn.

If my husband says he
was delivering newspapers,

then he...

Wilbur, why were
you delivering papers?

Because Joey didn't
see the tree coming.

Did you, uh, hit him on
the head with your club?

Hey, there's nothing
wrong, wrong with me,

just that when I
was up on your roof,

Ed went ahead to deliver
the rest of the papers.

Who is Ed?

Our horse.

A horse delivering newspapers.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Excuse me, Mr. Post.

I wanted to thank you for
helping me get my job back.

Oh, don't mention it, Joey.

Gee, how did you
deliver the papers so fast?

I rode my horse.

Sometimes, if my bike
breaks down again,

could I borrow him?

Sure. You know something?

You won't have to
put any air in the tires.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Post.

Okay, Joey.

Bye!

Will you hurry with
that water, Wilbur?

My feet are killing me from
delivering those newspapers.

Oh!

Ah!

Ahhh!

Ah.

Ah, what a relief!

Ed, that was nice of
you to deliver the papers

for that little boy.

- Yeah, keep pouring.
- Okay.

Yeah!

Oh, yeah. Atta boy.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a
Filmways presentation.