Mister Ed (1958–1966): Season 3, Episode 17 - Unemployment Show - full transcript
Mister Ed gets what Roger's deadbeat freeloading brother-in-law doesn't have: a job.
[whinnies]
Hello. I'm Mister Ed.
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪
♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪
♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪
♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪
♪ He'll give you the answer ♪
♪ That you'll endorse ♪
♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪
♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪
Good morning, Ed.
- Come on, little lazy bones.
- [snores]
Time to wake up. It's 10:00.
Kitchy-kitchy.
[laughs]
Cut it out,
Geraldine. I'm ticklish.
I know how to wake
you up, lazy bones.
We'll let a little
light in here.
[snores]
- [loud bang]
- [mumbles]
Where am I?
You're in the
steam room at the Y.
Yeah, very funny.
What time is it?
It's 10:00, and do you have
to sleep so late every morning?
Yeah, I got tired blood.
I don't know why.
It never moves.
Some joke.
- Wilbur...
- Hi, how are you?
May I borrow your car, please?
Kay wants me to
do some shopping.
Sure, what happened to your car?
That scavenger brother-in-law
of mine drove it down
to the unemployment
office to pick up his check.
Why didn't he take a bus?
He could, but he
has too much pride.
He wants them to think he
really doesn't need the money.
How long is Ralph going
to be staying with you?
Maybe some time?
This morning he painted
his name on our mailbox.
Well, cheer up, Rog.
It could be worse.
How?
He could be my brother-in-law.
Boy, I wish he would get a job.
So I can get him off my back.
He's a press agent, isn't he?
So he claims, but so far,
the only thing he's
pressing is me.
How long he's been out of work?
He's been collecting
unemployment insurance so long,
they named a
branch office after him.
Well... the way I look at it,
when you marry a woman,
you marry her family.
And if she happens to have
a brother, you love him, too.
And you enjoy helping him.
How many brothers
does your wife have?
None. That's why I'm able
to make this beautiful speech.
[Mister Ed yawns]
His brother-in-law
ought to find a job.
I hate lazy people.
Look who's talking.
If I can find another horse
like you, I'd have bookends.
Ed, do you know
why you sleep so late?
Well, it's because you
have no purpose in life.
Now, you would be a healthier,
happier horse if you had some
work to look
forward to each day.
Okay, send me to medical school
and make me a brain surgeon.
All right, Rip Van Winkle,
sleep your life away.
Wilbur, I resent being
called a lazy bum.
Look, Ed, I did
not call you a bum.
That's okay. Find me a job.
I'll pay my way.
Now, you're talking.
I'll put an ad in the
paper right away.
What're you gonna say?
Uh, horse for hire.
Want short working hours
and plenty of carrot breaks.
Now, that's my boy.
- Wilbur, have you seen
my cook book around?
- No, honey.
Kay wants to bake strawberry
shortcake for her brother.
Carol, how does this sound?
"Horse for hire."
I still say you're
wasting your time.
Ed's not the working type.
Must be something he can do.
I doubt it.
He's too slow for the race track
and too nervous to pull a wagon.
Golf caddy?
Oh, here it is.
Deliver groceries?
Let's see. Strawberry shortcake.
Gardner?
Do you think Kay's brother
is a good press agent.
Wilbur?
- A good what?
- Press agent.
Oh, no, Ed's had
no experience...
Press agent?
I'm talking about Ralph.
Do you think he's
good press agent?
Last I heard, he was back at UI.
Universal International?
Unemployment insurance.
I say, they still got
mounted police.
I wonder if they take
Ed on the police force.
Why not? He's got flat feet.
If you weigh 800 pounds,
you'd have flat feet, too.
Oh, honey.
Piano tutor?
Oh.
Don't slam the door.
Your brother taking a nap?
No, I have a cake in the
oven. That's why I sent you
for strawberries
and whipped cream.
Fine. Strawberry
shortcake for him.
Girl Scout cookies for me.
Oh, honestly, Addison, I
wish you'd be nice to Ralph.
He likes you.
He'd give you the
shirt off his back.
And it would fit me. It's mine.
Did he bring my car
back yet, or did he sell it?
Doll, I wish you
wouldn't say those thing.
Ralph has had a
lot of tough breaks,
and he needs us now.
You know, what his trouble is?
He isn't cut out to
be a press agent.
He should take
any job he can get
as long as he's
gainfully employed.
I don't agree with you.
Some day he'll come up
with a real big publicity stunt,
and he'll be on his way.
Out of my house, I hope.
Hi, kids.
Oh, careful, Ralph.
I got your favorite
cake in the oven.
Swell, sis.
How about that, Rog?
Strawberry shortcake.
Strawberries give me hives.
Well, then you
can eat and scratch.
Aw, she's a great kid.
You got yourself a real winner.
Oh, you must be
famished, sweetie.
Did you have your lunch?
No, I had to skip lunch.
You know, it's outrageous
how long that unemployment
office makes you stand in line.
Oh, they should
have curb service.
Have a car hop bring
your check out to you.
That's what I told them.
Oh, I forgot.
We got a traffic ticket.
We?
What happened, sweetie?
Well, I doubled parked
next to a police car.
Naturally.
Explain to the officers
that you were new
in the neighborhood?
No, they got sore because they
couldn't get out to answer a call.
Pretty narrow minded of them.
I am not paying this ticket.
Well, brother-in-law, you wouldn't
want me to go to jail, would you?
- You bet your sw...
- Doll.
Kay, I am not
paying this ticket.
Let him pay himself out of
his unemployment check.
Absolutely not. You
heard the poor boy say
how long he'd
been in line to get it.
You are incredible.
Both of you.
I'm going out to play golf.
But you can't, doll.
Why not?
I promised Ralph that he could
borrow your clubs this afternoon.
You can have them tomorrow, Rog.
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
My cake.
Poor sis.
He must be very
hard to live with.
Well, he seems to be
in fine shape, Mr. Post.
My riding stable could
use a nice palomino.
Oh, yes, Mr. Kramer, Ed is very
bright, energetic, and loves to work.
[Mister Ed snores]
Now, you say you're
willing to bring him out
to the stable every morning
and pick him up every night?
Yeah, Well, like I said.
Ed doesn't sleep well
away from his home.
Oh, that's very important. I believe
in horses getting plenty of sleep.
So does Ed.
Well, I mean he's
a fanatic about that.
Well, I'll have him over at your
place first thing in morning, Mr. Kramer.
Yeah, 7:00 sharp.
I'll set his alarm.
[mumbles]
- Good night, honey.
- Night, Carol.
Just think tomorrow is
Ed's first day on the job.
Uh-huh.
Life's funny, you know?
Get a young horse like Ed,
you coddle him. Play with him.
You spoil him a little bit.
Hoping he'll never grow up.
First thing you know,
he's punching a time clock.
It's tough.
Good for him, though.
Work's good. Builds character.
I wouldn't want him drifting
through life like Kay's brother.
A horse has got learn to
stand on his own four feet.
Go to sleep, honey.
I think I'll make him a
nice lunch tomorrow.
Something that'll
give him energy.
What should I
fix for him, Carol?
How about a triple
decker hay sandwich?
You should have seen him
when I said good night to him.
I polished his
little horse shoes.
Shined up his saddle
and brushed him all down.
He may not be the
fastest horse in the stables,
but he'll be the neatest.
Uh-huh.
First day on the job.
He'd be nervous.
Oh, he'll be nervous.
Maybe I should rent a horse
tomorrow and follow him.
Nah.
Other horses will
think he's a sissy.
Hope he gets nice clients.
Some of those fellas
can be rough, you know?
Ride him hard. Might
even use a whip on him.
Might even dig him with spurs.
I better phone the
stables and warn them.
Wilbur, would you
please stop worrying about
that precious horse of
yours and go to sleep?
Sorry, honey.
[clock rings]
I'm sorry, honey. I just wanted to
make sure the alarm was working.
[alarm rings again]
Didn't want Ed to be late
his first day on the job.
[alarm rings]
Oh, Mr. Kramer.
Gee, now they're
coming in pairs.
Morning, Mrs. Webster.
Ready to go riding with your
mother again today, Peter?
Sure, Mr. Kramer.
Oh, yes, he loves to
ride with his mommy.
There he is.
Oh, thank you.
Come along, Peter.
Oh, isn't he lovely?
There we are.
Now, you hang onto that.
And up we go.
Hang on, honey, while
Mommy fixes the saddle.
[Mister Ed sputters]
Peter, stop pulling
the horse's hair.
And take your
finger out of his eye.
What happened to
your ice-cream cone?
I dropped it.
Now, look what you've done.
I'll get a cloth
and clean this up.
[Peter] Mommy!
Peter, what in the
world happened?
Oh, honey, come along with me.
Fool around with me, will he?
Congratulations, Ed.
You are now a working horse.
Swell.
And now let's write
to Washington.
What for?
My Social Security card.
You're a funny guy.
I mean it, Wilbur.
I'm a worker, and I'm
entitled to Social Security.
Oh, Ed, forget it.
No horse ever had a
Social Security card.
Because no horse
ever asked for it.
Ed, there is a law.
I know, I read the law.
It's right here
in this pamphlet.
Page 2, paragraph 2.
Page what?
Page 2, paragraph 2.
- Give it here.
- I can read it.
Let's see the, um...
"The Social Security Act is
designed to protect wage loss
through involuntary
unemployment."
Show me where it
says no horses allowed.
Oh, forget it, Ed.
You're being ridiculous.
Why?
Hey, it says wage earners
and I'm a wage earner.
Look, Ed, if some day a horse
happens to be elected president,
then you'll get Social Security.
And until then, forget it.
I'll send away for it myself.
Have a nice ride, Mr. Ambruster?
Fine, nothing like riding
for losing a little weight.
He's right. I bet
I've lost 10 pounds.
Aah, what that fat
guy did to my arches.
Really, big, huh?
He didn't need a horse.
He needed a tow truck.
I'm proud of you, Ed.
You could have just slept
your life away here in the barn,
but instead you were
willing to go out into the world
and become a useful
member of society.
You're not just a horse, Ed.
You are an American worker.
Well, thank you.
- Uh, Wilbur.
- Yeah.
You think I should organize
the horses into a union?
That's a pretty good idea.
And if you have
to carry fat people
you can demand time
and half for overweight.
You can also fight for two
weeks vacation with hay.
I got a feeling
you're putting me on.
Be sensible, Ed.
First you wanted
Social Security.
Now, you want to
start a union for horses.
These things are impossible,
Well, don't be too sure.
Get that envelope
out of my feed bag.
"Edward Post, Social
Security number
054-22-5457."
You actually sent away for this.
Yep. Today a number.
Tomorrow the world.
Kay, did you send my
smoking jacket to the cleaners?
Uh, no, doll.
Wait.
What's this?
Ralph's breakfast.
At 1 in the afternoon?
Well, he didn't sleep well.
He was up most of the night.
Yeah, chasing back and
forth to the refrigerator.
Ralph's a compulsive
eater when he's not working.
If he doesn't get a job,
pretty soon he's going to
be a compulsive starver.
And that lazy old
horse next door
has had a job for
over a month now.
Are you comparing
my brother to a horse?
Why not? He eats like one.
Please, his eggs
are getting cold.
[Ralph] Hi, kids.
Good morning, Ralph.
Oh, here, let me take
that. I'll eat in the kitchen.
Oh, roughing it today, eh?
How are you this
morning, smiley?
It's afternoon, and I trust
my smoking jacket fits you.
It does now.
Now?
I had to take the
sleeves up a little.
That does it. That does it!
Ralph, I have had it.
You don't have to
be a press agent.
There are lots of
other jobs around
and you better start looking,
if you know what I mean?
Here, sis. He's
killed my appetite.
You just don't like
my brother, do you?
Why, sweetheart,
whatever gave you that idea?
I don't understand it, Mr. Post.
All of a sudden, he went lame.
Well, I'll have the
vet take a look at him.
Thanks for brining
him around, Mr. Kramer.
That's okay. I'll mail you a
check at the end of the week.
Fine, thank you.
So you sprained your leg, huh?
Uh, yeah.
Wilbur, am I covered by
workman's compensation?
How did it happen?
Well, don't I get disability?
Veteran's compensation?
Uh, something?
Ed, you're a gold brick.
When did you decide
to quit your job?
When I found out I was eligible
for unemployment insurance.
Welcome home, lazy Mary.
Go on in. Go on.
[Mister Ed hums]
[Mister Ed hums]
Are you sore at me
for quitting, Wilbur?
No, Ed, to tell you the truth,
I kind of missed
you around here.
Will you stand in the
unemployment line
with me, Wilbur.
You kidding? Think I'm silly?
You know, what would
happen if I did that?
Why, there'd be riots.
There'd be people laughing.
There'd be phone
calls to the police.
Newspaper reporters.
And a picture of me
with my first check.
Yeah, and another one of me
with a butterfly
net over my head.
Go to sleep, Ed.
You must be tired.
No unemployment check, huh?
No, Ed.
Gee, four weeks'
work down the drain.
- Oh, hi, Ralph.
- Hi, neighbor.
Uh, come on in.
Oh, thanks.
You going somewhere?
Oh, I decided to leave.
I got the feeling
I wasn't wanted.
Oh, whatever gave you that idea?
Addison packing my suitcase.
He's not a very
good packer, is he?
He was in a hurry.
Look, Ralph, do you want
me to talk to Roger for you?
Oh, no, no. No, thanks.
It's better this way.
You know, he's not a bad guy.
His smoking jacket
is a little large.
And his golf clubs
are a little old,
but he's been good to my sister.
What're you gonna do now, Ralph?
I'd like to go back into
publicity. It's in my blood.
It's not easy to get a
job at the movie studio.
Got to come up
with some big stunt
that'll hit all the front pages.
Like a man going over
Niagara Falls in a bongo drum?
Yeah.
Or an elephant parachuting
out of an airplane?
Yeah.
Or...
a horse collecting
unemployment insurance?
What?
[crowd laughs]
I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to leave him outside.
Only claimants
are allowed in here.
Well, then I better go outside.
You see, he's the claimant.
I beg your pardon?
My horse just lost his job.
Well, I'm sorry, sir, but
he doesn't belong in here.
Why? This is the
unemployment office
and he's unemployed.
Well, sir, the unemployment
law does not cover animals.
Well, I think you're
mistaken, ma'am.
It says wage
earners and workers,
but you show me where
it says no horses allowed.
Sir, the unemployment
law specifically says...
I better call the manager.
Mr. Halsted, would
you come here, please?
We never had a
case like this before.
No animal has ever applied
for unemployment insurance.
Could be false pride.
The way I feel, if it's coming
to them, they should get it.
What's going on here?
Ms. Pringle, you know we don't
allow animals in the building.
That's just what I've
been trying to tell him.
But he insists that
his horse has a claim.
Ridiculous.
No animal is entitled to
unemployment insurance.
Is he entitled to
Social Security?
Of course not.
This is Edward Post?
Social Security card
number 054-22-5457.
And let's hear that
cash register ring.
How do I know this is Mr. Post?
Uh, well, you can check
with his last employer.
I wish Washington
would work closer with us.
Where does he get his check?
- Not so fast.
- He's entitled.
He happens to be
in the wrong line.
Ms. Pringle, you better
go back to you window.
I'll check out his claim form.
Now, single, married,
widower, separated, or divorced?
Bachelor.
Oh, he's running around with a
lot of fillies, but nothing serious.
Education, grade school,
high school, college?
Self-taught.
Ready?
Wilbur, this is gonna
hit the front page
of every paper in the country.
Now, hold it.
Smile, Ed.
Ed, we made the front page.
Oh, swell.
[both laugh]
- And you know something?
- Uh, what?
This story of Ralph's got so
much space that he got a job
as publicity
director of a studio.
That's nice. Let
me see my picture.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
There you are.
[Mister Ed chuckles]
Gee, they would
shoot my bad profile.
Oh, don't be so vain.
Look, if it bothers you,
I'll get you a nose job.
[Ed laughs]
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪
♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪
♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪
♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪
♪ He'll give you the answer ♪
♪ That you'll endorse ♪
♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪
♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪
♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪
♪ And waste your time of day ♪
♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪
♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪
♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪
♪ Well, listen to this ♪
[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
[Man] This has been a
Filmways presentation.
Hello. I'm Mister Ed.
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪
♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪
♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪
♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪
♪ He'll give you the answer ♪
♪ That you'll endorse ♪
♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪
♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪
Good morning, Ed.
- Come on, little lazy bones.
- [snores]
Time to wake up. It's 10:00.
Kitchy-kitchy.
[laughs]
Cut it out,
Geraldine. I'm ticklish.
I know how to wake
you up, lazy bones.
We'll let a little
light in here.
[snores]
- [loud bang]
- [mumbles]
Where am I?
You're in the
steam room at the Y.
Yeah, very funny.
What time is it?
It's 10:00, and do you have
to sleep so late every morning?
Yeah, I got tired blood.
I don't know why.
It never moves.
Some joke.
- Wilbur...
- Hi, how are you?
May I borrow your car, please?
Kay wants me to
do some shopping.
Sure, what happened to your car?
That scavenger brother-in-law
of mine drove it down
to the unemployment
office to pick up his check.
Why didn't he take a bus?
He could, but he
has too much pride.
He wants them to think he
really doesn't need the money.
How long is Ralph going
to be staying with you?
Maybe some time?
This morning he painted
his name on our mailbox.
Well, cheer up, Rog.
It could be worse.
How?
He could be my brother-in-law.
Boy, I wish he would get a job.
So I can get him off my back.
He's a press agent, isn't he?
So he claims, but so far,
the only thing he's
pressing is me.
How long he's been out of work?
He's been collecting
unemployment insurance so long,
they named a
branch office after him.
Well... the way I look at it,
when you marry a woman,
you marry her family.
And if she happens to have
a brother, you love him, too.
And you enjoy helping him.
How many brothers
does your wife have?
None. That's why I'm able
to make this beautiful speech.
[Mister Ed yawns]
His brother-in-law
ought to find a job.
I hate lazy people.
Look who's talking.
If I can find another horse
like you, I'd have bookends.
Ed, do you know
why you sleep so late?
Well, it's because you
have no purpose in life.
Now, you would be a healthier,
happier horse if you had some
work to look
forward to each day.
Okay, send me to medical school
and make me a brain surgeon.
All right, Rip Van Winkle,
sleep your life away.
Wilbur, I resent being
called a lazy bum.
Look, Ed, I did
not call you a bum.
That's okay. Find me a job.
I'll pay my way.
Now, you're talking.
I'll put an ad in the
paper right away.
What're you gonna say?
Uh, horse for hire.
Want short working hours
and plenty of carrot breaks.
Now, that's my boy.
- Wilbur, have you seen
my cook book around?
- No, honey.
Kay wants to bake strawberry
shortcake for her brother.
Carol, how does this sound?
"Horse for hire."
I still say you're
wasting your time.
Ed's not the working type.
Must be something he can do.
I doubt it.
He's too slow for the race track
and too nervous to pull a wagon.
Golf caddy?
Oh, here it is.
Deliver groceries?
Let's see. Strawberry shortcake.
Gardner?
Do you think Kay's brother
is a good press agent.
Wilbur?
- A good what?
- Press agent.
Oh, no, Ed's had
no experience...
Press agent?
I'm talking about Ralph.
Do you think he's
good press agent?
Last I heard, he was back at UI.
Universal International?
Unemployment insurance.
I say, they still got
mounted police.
I wonder if they take
Ed on the police force.
Why not? He's got flat feet.
If you weigh 800 pounds,
you'd have flat feet, too.
Oh, honey.
Piano tutor?
Oh.
Don't slam the door.
Your brother taking a nap?
No, I have a cake in the
oven. That's why I sent you
for strawberries
and whipped cream.
Fine. Strawberry
shortcake for him.
Girl Scout cookies for me.
Oh, honestly, Addison, I
wish you'd be nice to Ralph.
He likes you.
He'd give you the
shirt off his back.
And it would fit me. It's mine.
Did he bring my car
back yet, or did he sell it?
Doll, I wish you
wouldn't say those thing.
Ralph has had a
lot of tough breaks,
and he needs us now.
You know, what his trouble is?
He isn't cut out to
be a press agent.
He should take
any job he can get
as long as he's
gainfully employed.
I don't agree with you.
Some day he'll come up
with a real big publicity stunt,
and he'll be on his way.
Out of my house, I hope.
Hi, kids.
Oh, careful, Ralph.
I got your favorite
cake in the oven.
Swell, sis.
How about that, Rog?
Strawberry shortcake.
Strawberries give me hives.
Well, then you
can eat and scratch.
Aw, she's a great kid.
You got yourself a real winner.
Oh, you must be
famished, sweetie.
Did you have your lunch?
No, I had to skip lunch.
You know, it's outrageous
how long that unemployment
office makes you stand in line.
Oh, they should
have curb service.
Have a car hop bring
your check out to you.
That's what I told them.
Oh, I forgot.
We got a traffic ticket.
We?
What happened, sweetie?
Well, I doubled parked
next to a police car.
Naturally.
Explain to the officers
that you were new
in the neighborhood?
No, they got sore because they
couldn't get out to answer a call.
Pretty narrow minded of them.
I am not paying this ticket.
Well, brother-in-law, you wouldn't
want me to go to jail, would you?
- You bet your sw...
- Doll.
Kay, I am not
paying this ticket.
Let him pay himself out of
his unemployment check.
Absolutely not. You
heard the poor boy say
how long he'd
been in line to get it.
You are incredible.
Both of you.
I'm going out to play golf.
But you can't, doll.
Why not?
I promised Ralph that he could
borrow your clubs this afternoon.
You can have them tomorrow, Rog.
Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah.
My cake.
Poor sis.
He must be very
hard to live with.
Well, he seems to be
in fine shape, Mr. Post.
My riding stable could
use a nice palomino.
Oh, yes, Mr. Kramer, Ed is very
bright, energetic, and loves to work.
[Mister Ed snores]
Now, you say you're
willing to bring him out
to the stable every morning
and pick him up every night?
Yeah, Well, like I said.
Ed doesn't sleep well
away from his home.
Oh, that's very important. I believe
in horses getting plenty of sleep.
So does Ed.
Well, I mean he's
a fanatic about that.
Well, I'll have him over at your
place first thing in morning, Mr. Kramer.
Yeah, 7:00 sharp.
I'll set his alarm.
[mumbles]
- Good night, honey.
- Night, Carol.
Just think tomorrow is
Ed's first day on the job.
Uh-huh.
Life's funny, you know?
Get a young horse like Ed,
you coddle him. Play with him.
You spoil him a little bit.
Hoping he'll never grow up.
First thing you know,
he's punching a time clock.
It's tough.
Good for him, though.
Work's good. Builds character.
I wouldn't want him drifting
through life like Kay's brother.
A horse has got learn to
stand on his own four feet.
Go to sleep, honey.
I think I'll make him a
nice lunch tomorrow.
Something that'll
give him energy.
What should I
fix for him, Carol?
How about a triple
decker hay sandwich?
You should have seen him
when I said good night to him.
I polished his
little horse shoes.
Shined up his saddle
and brushed him all down.
He may not be the
fastest horse in the stables,
but he'll be the neatest.
Uh-huh.
First day on the job.
He'd be nervous.
Oh, he'll be nervous.
Maybe I should rent a horse
tomorrow and follow him.
Nah.
Other horses will
think he's a sissy.
Hope he gets nice clients.
Some of those fellas
can be rough, you know?
Ride him hard. Might
even use a whip on him.
Might even dig him with spurs.
I better phone the
stables and warn them.
Wilbur, would you
please stop worrying about
that precious horse of
yours and go to sleep?
Sorry, honey.
[clock rings]
I'm sorry, honey. I just wanted to
make sure the alarm was working.
[alarm rings again]
Didn't want Ed to be late
his first day on the job.
[alarm rings]
Oh, Mr. Kramer.
Gee, now they're
coming in pairs.
Morning, Mrs. Webster.
Ready to go riding with your
mother again today, Peter?
Sure, Mr. Kramer.
Oh, yes, he loves to
ride with his mommy.
There he is.
Oh, thank you.
Come along, Peter.
Oh, isn't he lovely?
There we are.
Now, you hang onto that.
And up we go.
Hang on, honey, while
Mommy fixes the saddle.
[Mister Ed sputters]
Peter, stop pulling
the horse's hair.
And take your
finger out of his eye.
What happened to
your ice-cream cone?
I dropped it.
Now, look what you've done.
I'll get a cloth
and clean this up.
[Peter] Mommy!
Peter, what in the
world happened?
Oh, honey, come along with me.
Fool around with me, will he?
Congratulations, Ed.
You are now a working horse.
Swell.
And now let's write
to Washington.
What for?
My Social Security card.
You're a funny guy.
I mean it, Wilbur.
I'm a worker, and I'm
entitled to Social Security.
Oh, Ed, forget it.
No horse ever had a
Social Security card.
Because no horse
ever asked for it.
Ed, there is a law.
I know, I read the law.
It's right here
in this pamphlet.
Page 2, paragraph 2.
Page what?
Page 2, paragraph 2.
- Give it here.
- I can read it.
Let's see the, um...
"The Social Security Act is
designed to protect wage loss
through involuntary
unemployment."
Show me where it
says no horses allowed.
Oh, forget it, Ed.
You're being ridiculous.
Why?
Hey, it says wage earners
and I'm a wage earner.
Look, Ed, if some day a horse
happens to be elected president,
then you'll get Social Security.
And until then, forget it.
I'll send away for it myself.
Have a nice ride, Mr. Ambruster?
Fine, nothing like riding
for losing a little weight.
He's right. I bet
I've lost 10 pounds.
Aah, what that fat
guy did to my arches.
Really, big, huh?
He didn't need a horse.
He needed a tow truck.
I'm proud of you, Ed.
You could have just slept
your life away here in the barn,
but instead you were
willing to go out into the world
and become a useful
member of society.
You're not just a horse, Ed.
You are an American worker.
Well, thank you.
- Uh, Wilbur.
- Yeah.
You think I should organize
the horses into a union?
That's a pretty good idea.
And if you have
to carry fat people
you can demand time
and half for overweight.
You can also fight for two
weeks vacation with hay.
I got a feeling
you're putting me on.
Be sensible, Ed.
First you wanted
Social Security.
Now, you want to
start a union for horses.
These things are impossible,
Well, don't be too sure.
Get that envelope
out of my feed bag.
"Edward Post, Social
Security number
054-22-5457."
You actually sent away for this.
Yep. Today a number.
Tomorrow the world.
Kay, did you send my
smoking jacket to the cleaners?
Uh, no, doll.
Wait.
What's this?
Ralph's breakfast.
At 1 in the afternoon?
Well, he didn't sleep well.
He was up most of the night.
Yeah, chasing back and
forth to the refrigerator.
Ralph's a compulsive
eater when he's not working.
If he doesn't get a job,
pretty soon he's going to
be a compulsive starver.
And that lazy old
horse next door
has had a job for
over a month now.
Are you comparing
my brother to a horse?
Why not? He eats like one.
Please, his eggs
are getting cold.
[Ralph] Hi, kids.
Good morning, Ralph.
Oh, here, let me take
that. I'll eat in the kitchen.
Oh, roughing it today, eh?
How are you this
morning, smiley?
It's afternoon, and I trust
my smoking jacket fits you.
It does now.
Now?
I had to take the
sleeves up a little.
That does it. That does it!
Ralph, I have had it.
You don't have to
be a press agent.
There are lots of
other jobs around
and you better start looking,
if you know what I mean?
Here, sis. He's
killed my appetite.
You just don't like
my brother, do you?
Why, sweetheart,
whatever gave you that idea?
I don't understand it, Mr. Post.
All of a sudden, he went lame.
Well, I'll have the
vet take a look at him.
Thanks for brining
him around, Mr. Kramer.
That's okay. I'll mail you a
check at the end of the week.
Fine, thank you.
So you sprained your leg, huh?
Uh, yeah.
Wilbur, am I covered by
workman's compensation?
How did it happen?
Well, don't I get disability?
Veteran's compensation?
Uh, something?
Ed, you're a gold brick.
When did you decide
to quit your job?
When I found out I was eligible
for unemployment insurance.
Welcome home, lazy Mary.
Go on in. Go on.
[Mister Ed hums]
[Mister Ed hums]
Are you sore at me
for quitting, Wilbur?
No, Ed, to tell you the truth,
I kind of missed
you around here.
Will you stand in the
unemployment line
with me, Wilbur.
You kidding? Think I'm silly?
You know, what would
happen if I did that?
Why, there'd be riots.
There'd be people laughing.
There'd be phone
calls to the police.
Newspaper reporters.
And a picture of me
with my first check.
Yeah, and another one of me
with a butterfly
net over my head.
Go to sleep, Ed.
You must be tired.
No unemployment check, huh?
No, Ed.
Gee, four weeks'
work down the drain.
- Oh, hi, Ralph.
- Hi, neighbor.
Uh, come on in.
Oh, thanks.
You going somewhere?
Oh, I decided to leave.
I got the feeling
I wasn't wanted.
Oh, whatever gave you that idea?
Addison packing my suitcase.
He's not a very
good packer, is he?
He was in a hurry.
Look, Ralph, do you want
me to talk to Roger for you?
Oh, no, no. No, thanks.
It's better this way.
You know, he's not a bad guy.
His smoking jacket
is a little large.
And his golf clubs
are a little old,
but he's been good to my sister.
What're you gonna do now, Ralph?
I'd like to go back into
publicity. It's in my blood.
It's not easy to get a
job at the movie studio.
Got to come up
with some big stunt
that'll hit all the front pages.
Like a man going over
Niagara Falls in a bongo drum?
Yeah.
Or an elephant parachuting
out of an airplane?
Yeah.
Or...
a horse collecting
unemployment insurance?
What?
[crowd laughs]
I'm sorry, sir, but you'll
have to leave him outside.
Only claimants
are allowed in here.
Well, then I better go outside.
You see, he's the claimant.
I beg your pardon?
My horse just lost his job.
Well, I'm sorry, sir, but
he doesn't belong in here.
Why? This is the
unemployment office
and he's unemployed.
Well, sir, the unemployment
law does not cover animals.
Well, I think you're
mistaken, ma'am.
It says wage
earners and workers,
but you show me where
it says no horses allowed.
Sir, the unemployment
law specifically says...
I better call the manager.
Mr. Halsted, would
you come here, please?
We never had a
case like this before.
No animal has ever applied
for unemployment insurance.
Could be false pride.
The way I feel, if it's coming
to them, they should get it.
What's going on here?
Ms. Pringle, you know we don't
allow animals in the building.
That's just what I've
been trying to tell him.
But he insists that
his horse has a claim.
Ridiculous.
No animal is entitled to
unemployment insurance.
Is he entitled to
Social Security?
Of course not.
This is Edward Post?
Social Security card
number 054-22-5457.
And let's hear that
cash register ring.
How do I know this is Mr. Post?
Uh, well, you can check
with his last employer.
I wish Washington
would work closer with us.
Where does he get his check?
- Not so fast.
- He's entitled.
He happens to be
in the wrong line.
Ms. Pringle, you better
go back to you window.
I'll check out his claim form.
Now, single, married,
widower, separated, or divorced?
Bachelor.
Oh, he's running around with a
lot of fillies, but nothing serious.
Education, grade school,
high school, college?
Self-taught.
Ready?
Wilbur, this is gonna
hit the front page
of every paper in the country.
Now, hold it.
Smile, Ed.
Ed, we made the front page.
Oh, swell.
[both laugh]
- And you know something?
- Uh, what?
This story of Ralph's got so
much space that he got a job
as publicity
director of a studio.
That's nice. Let
me see my picture.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
There you are.
[Mister Ed chuckles]
Gee, they would
shoot my bad profile.
Oh, don't be so vain.
Look, if it bothers you,
I'll get you a nose job.
[Ed laughs]
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪
♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪
♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪
♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪
♪ He'll give you the answer ♪
♪ That you'll endorse ♪
♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪
♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪
♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪
♪ And waste your time of day ♪
♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪
♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪
♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪
♪ Well, listen to this ♪
[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
[Man] This has been a
Filmways presentation.