Mister Ed (1958–1966): Season 3, Episode 16 - Big Pine Lodge - full transcript

Roger falls victim to a couple of poker-playing card sharks.

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪



[chuckles] This weekend.

Boy.

Top of the morning to you, Ed.

And the bottom
of it to you, Wilbur.

Well, somebody's
feeling very chipper today.

I'm excited, Wilbur.

My favorite niece
is coming to town.

Is she coming alone
or with your brother?

She's a race horse.

Here's a picture
of her in the paper.

Let me have a look.

Hey, she's beautiful.

Yeah. The spitting image of me.

Let's have a look.



Yes, there is quite
a resemblance.

Where? Around my eyes?

No, around your legs.
You both have four of them.

- Read the story, Wilbur.
- Okay.

"Colonel William Bradford
will arrive at Hollywood Park

this weekend with his
promising two-year-old Edwina."

This is exciting, Ed.

I hope your niece wins her race.

Is she fast?

Fast? When she was
born, she beat the stork in

by four lengths.

It's too bad you won't
be in town this weekend.

We could watch her run.

Whoa, boy.

Who won't be in town?

Carol and I are going
to Pine Lake Lodge,

and you're going with us.

My niece will expect
to see me, Wilbur.

We're a very close family.

Ed...

She's never been
away from home before,

and I promised my brother

I'd look after her
here in Hollywood.

Oh, come on, Ed.

You love Pine Lake
Lodge, you know?

Remember the
fun we had last year

with that big sleigh
that we rented?

Yeah, some fun.

You just sat there.
I did all the pulling.

Sorry, but we are not
leaving you here alone.

And horse-sitters
are hard to find.

But Edwina needs her Uncle Eddie

to keep an eye on her.

She's just a small-town
filly in a big, wicked city.

Oh, stop worrying.

Nothing is going
to happen to her.

Suppose she meets one of
those fast Hollywood horses?

Wilbur, we've never had
a scandal in our family.

I don't want to
discuss this anymore.

Tomorrow, I'm hitching your
little trailer to the back of our car,

and you are going to
Pine Lake Lodge with us.

Now eat your breakfast.

Come on, Ed, eat your breakfast.

Okay, okay. I'll clean it up.

Wilbur, I just called the lodge.

No snow.

But the clerk said that the
ski slope at Thompson's Peak

is in perfect condition.

Oh, great. I hope I have
better luck than I had last year.

Remember coming
down that long hill,

I slid 50 feet on my skis,

and 50 feet on the
seat of my pants.

Then another 50 feet.

How about the Addisons?

Have they made up their
mind about joining us?

No, they're still
battling it out.

Same old story, huh?

Rog wants to go, but Kay
insists on coming along.

Oh, Wilbur.

Hello. Is this Hollywood Park?

[Man] Yes, sir.

May I talk, sir, to
Edwina's trainer?

Hello.

This is Colonel
William Bradford, sir.

Hello, Colonel Bradford, sir.

How did my little
filly take the trip?

Oh, fine, Colonel.

She was a little sluggish
in her workout today,

but I finally got her
to respond to the whip.

The whip?

You listen here, Yankee.

These are my orders.

No whips, no spurs,
and skinny jockeys.

Yes, Colonel.

And one more thing, sir.

What horses you all got in
the stalls right next to her?

She's right in between
Lover Boy and Casanova.

Oh, no!

Something wrong, Colonel?

You change her stall, sir.

Put her between a couple of nice
old lady horses from Pasadena.

What's going on?

Uh-oh.

Oh, Wilbur, I'm worried
about my little niece.

Do I have to go to Pine Lake?

What are you worried about?
Nothing can happen to her.

Between Casanova and Lover Boy.

I should be down
there teaching her judo.

Well, Kay, I've packed
all my gear, and I'm ready.

We are not going.

That's what I'm ready
for... Our argument.

You can put all that
stuff back in the garage.

Oh, now, darling, come on.

There's nothing
more exhilarating

than skiing down a snowy slope

with the wind in your hair and a
touch of Jack Frost in your cheek.

Last year, you never set
foot outside that lodge.

All you did was sit
there and play cards.

So I played a few
hands of poker.

A few hands?

You were glued so
long to that card table,

we had to feed
you through a tube.

But, darling, don't
forget, I won $38.20.

I hardly saw you
the whole three days.

People thought I was a lonely
widow up there looking for a man.

- I'm sorry.
- So am I.

Sorry I couldn't find one.

Come to think of it, so am I.

- What?
- Sorry.

Now, darling, let's go.

Let's go up there and
have a wonderful time.

We'll make it a
second honeymoon.

No thanks.

It's hard to cuddle up to a man
who's trying to fill an inside straight.

All right, I'll admit
that last year,

I might have been
a little inconsiderate.

But this year, I promise you,

I will not leave your side
during our entire vacation.

- Promise?
- We'll be the Bobbsey Twins.

- All right, doll.
- Wonderful.

You go upstairs and pack.

Fine.

But I warn you... you get
into one poker game up there,

and this little joker is
going to lose his queen.

We got to check out of
this pneumonia trap, Joe.

I don't think anyone around
here ever heard of poker.

How about those
two fellas over there?

They're playing chess.

Stiffs. I tried to set them up

for a friendly little
game after lunch.

No luck, huh?

The guy with the
glasses wanted to play...

for matches.

How about the other one?

He doesn't smoke.

Oh, easy, honey. Don't trip.

All right, darling.
This way. That's right.

Watch the door. Come in.

That's a girl. Take it easy.

Addison, you could
give me a hand.

Darling, I told you
my hands were frozen.

You've got gloves on.

Well, nice to see
you again, folks.

We have your rooms
all ready for you.

Fine. How about my
horse's sleeping quarters?

The horse?

Yes, we can give him the same
stall he had last year, Mr. Post.

Fine.

No, I don't think he
was happy with that.

Do you have something
overlooking the lake?

My horse would like
a room with a view.

Over...

I'll try to get
something, yes, sir.

Also, the stall didn't
have a plug-in socket.

Plug-in socket?

My horse sleeps with
an electric blanket.

He gets kind of cold
during the night in the feet.

Yes, it does...

Why didn't you buy
him some Dr. Dentons?

Maybe they didn't have his size.

A suggestion.

Get a king-sized bed, and
let him sleep between you.

I'll put him in that stall.

Yes, that will be nice, sir.

While we're sleeping
under an electric blanket,

our horse's feet
will be freezing.

Sign, please.

[cards shuffling]

Oh, no.

No, Mr. Addison. Actually, I
haven't been playing poker too long.

Either have I. I never
could quite get the hang of it.

It's a very simple
game. You'll love it.

You see, two pair beat one pair.

But three of a
kind beat two pair.

Now, gentlemen,
perhaps later, we can...

We can take a walk
out in the air together.

Darling. I want you to meet
Mr. Haskell and Mr. Johnson.

Gentlemen, this is Mrs. Addison.

Darling, why don't you
go upstairs and unpack?

I'll join you later.

You'll excuse us.

We're on our second honeymoon.

The both of us.

Come, dear.

You see, two pair
beats one pair.

It's a miracle.

It's too cold up
here for eagles,

but I think we found
ourselves a nice, little pigeon.

Operator.

Hello, operator.

Get me the Hollywood
Park race track.

This is Wilbur Post.
Charge it to my room.

They say there's plenty of
snow on Thompson's Peak.

It's just seven miles away.

Why don't we stay here
and have it delivered?

Oh, Mr. Addison?

Excuse me, Wilbur. Here.

Good morning, gentlemen.

Mr. Addison, I wonder if you'd
help us settle a little argument.

Does a straight
beat a full house?

Certainly not.

There, you see, Joe. That last
pot's mine. You owe me five dollars.

It's only money.

Fortunately, my hardware
store is doing well.

Deal, Joe, deal.

It's no fun playing two-handed.

He's right, absolutely right.

Now, gentlemen, if
I can lose my wife,

I'll join you later.

Do you think that's quite
the proper thing to do?

No, but I'll do it.

Pardon me, gentlemen.

I'm expecting a backache.

Thank you so much.

Hi.

Well, how do you like it?

Beautiful. What kept
you kids so long?

Each year, it takes
me a little bit longer

to get into my stretch pants.

How do you like my outfit?

Yeah, no doubt about it.

You are a girl.

Then you like it?

What are we waiting for?

Come on, it's a
beautiful day for skiing.

- Rog, what's the matter?
- Sprained my sacroiliac.

I guess we can
forget about skiing.

No, please, you folks go
right ahead and enjoy yourself.

I'll just stay here
and... Play poker.

Play poker... No,
that's not true.

My sacroiliac is
really acting up.

Acting is right.

I think it deserves an Oscar.

Addison, if you're pulling this

so you can sit around
and play cards...

That is not true.

Don't you believe me?

Wilbur, you believe
me, don't you?

Oh, yes, certainly.

This man is really suffering.

Just take one look.

Anybody can tell that
he's trying to bear up

under excruciating agony.

No Oscar for me either, huh?

Kay, Roger does
look a little pale.

Why don't you both go
out and enjoy yourselves?

I'll stay here and make sure
that he doesn't play cards.

No, no, Kay. You go ahead.

I'll take care of him.

I'll take him upstairs
and put him into bed,

give him a little
rubdown, a little heat,

and if necessary, I'll operate.

Let's go.

- Oh, well, all right.
- Good.

I'm depending on you, Wilbur.

Don't worry. I'm
a great watchdog.

If he tries to play poker,
I'll bite him on the leg.

Take care of yourself, doll.

Thanks, darling.

- Have a good time.
- See you later.

And don't forget to
watch him, Rover.

[barks]

Come on, Kay.

We'll go up that first hill.

Wait. Where you going?

To play poker, of course.

Kay told me to
keep an eye on you.

I release you from your promise.

If you play poker, Kay will
never speak to me again.

If you don't take
your hand off my arm,

I'll never speak to you again.

Mr. Post?

I'd like to verify this long-distance
call was made last night.

Long-distance call?

Yeah, Hollywood Park.

Charges are $19.45.

When I get through with him,

he'll be talking out of the
other side of his feedbag.

Ed, that was a
terrible thing you did...

Sneaking into
the lobby last night

and making a phone call
without my permission.

Please. Do I bother
you when you're eating?

You listen to me when
I am talking to you.

Don't take away my food, Wilbur.

I'm a growing horse.

And you're growing
into a nuisance.

I know you're worried
about your niece.

Hey, her trainer says
Edwina's in great shape.

Maybe you ought
to make a bet on her.

You know I'm not a gambling man.

Gambling. Roger.

Oh, no.

Ten, and ten more.

I call.

I fold.

Three nines.

Three jacks. I win again.

I can't understand
my luck today.

I can't understand it, either.

That's the sixth
pot in a row I've lost.

I never win when I play at home.

What's your address?
I'll call us a cab.

I like you, Mr. Addison.

You lose with a sense of humor.

I think I'll change my seat.

That moth-eaten
elk is jinxing me.

Looks like my mother-in-law.

Roger, I promised Kay
I wouldn't let you play.

Rog, you're going to get yourself
in terrible trouble, believe me.

By me.

I open for five.

- I call.
- I call.

Gambling is a terrible
thing. It's a disease.

Oh, fine, you
start to play. Fine.

Then you lose.

Now you want to get even, so you
start throwing good money after bad.

First thing you know,
you are hooked.

Bet ten.

I call.

It's an evil thing, Rog.

I call.

Call? With those
cards? We raise.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we raise.

Pass me.

I call... and I raise you ten.

What are you waiting for?

With a hand like that,
you've got to go all the way.

There you are, gentlemen.

A beautiful full house.

Three aces and a pair of kings.

Gee, I'm sorry, Mr. Addison,

but I have four little deuces.

I begged you not to gamble.

Thanks to you,
I've lost my shirt.

And your wife.

So you sprained
your sacroiliac, huh?

But, darling, my back...

Wilbur, why did
you let him play?

Yeah. Why did you let me play?

It's your fault.
You let me let you.

You know what a weakling he is.

Yeah, you know
what a weakling I am.

I'm leaving here first
thing in the morning.

Now see what you've done.

Wilbur, you really were
supposed to keep an eye on him.

I had to go and see Ed.

Ed again.

If you love horses so much,
why didn't you marry a horse?

And no wisecracks.

Well, we certainly
nailed that pigeon...

for 110 bucks.

Too bad we didn't
have more time.

That Addison is the
softest touch we've had

since the cops ran
us out of Denver.

Those signals we
worked out with the cigars

beats marked cards, huh?

Yeah. I hate marked
cards. That's cheating.

That Post guy
looks pretty stupid.

Think he's a pigeon?

I can taste the squab right now.

I find that hard to believe.

Those two men looked so honest.

I heard it with my own ears.

Oh, those dirty crooks.

I wish there was some way
of getting Rog's money back.

If I told you a way, would you take
me home to my niece tomorrow?

Yes, I would. What
have you got in mind?

Why don't we make up our own
signals and get them in a game?

Oh, Ed, they'd never
play poker with a horse.

They won't even know I'm there.

What do you have in mind?

Well, you know that...

I feel pretty ridiculous.

Ed, you look fine.

Now if you'll just hold your
head up close to those horns,

you'll look like a real elk.

But the part of me that's
sticking out in the kitchen

is still horse.

Look, Ed, they'll be
down here any minute.

Let's run through
those signals, shall we?

If they're bluffing,
you wink your eye.

If they've got two
pair, three of a kind,

you move your ears.

If they got better than
that, stick your tongue out.

You understand it?

Are you kidding? I
made those signals up.

I bet five.

I call.

I call, and I raise 20.

I call.

If you bet 20, you must
have a strong hand. I'm out.

What have you got?

A pair of deuces.

Not quite good enough.

Pair of threes.

A pair of threes?

How come you called
me with a pair of threes?

I had a hunch you were bluffing.

I open for ten.

I raise it. Ten.

I'm out.

I'm out.

You went out with a straight?

I just had a feeling I wasn't
going to win this hand.

I had a pat full house.

You must be a mind reader.

Let me give you a tip.

You haven't got
a good poker face.

Oh, you got a good rummy face,

but you got a
terrible poker face.

These chips get heavy
after a while, don't they?

It's like he knows
every card we've got.

Well, boys, I am $110 ahead.

Exactly what Mr. Addison lost.

You can cash me in.

I was going to make some coffee.

Would you fellas
like to have some?

- No, thank you.
- No, no.

Okay.

What are you doing
in here? Get out.

Get out of here.

I don't want you in here.

Come on, out of here.

It's a horse.

A horse? What horse?

You fellas have
been playing too long.

There's no horse up there.

Thank you, gentlemen.

Here we are, Ed.

Feels good to be home, huh?

If it feels so good to be home,

why'd you go away?

Come on now. Don't
be such a grouch.

On the way home in the car,

I put the radio on, didn't I?

You heard your
niece win her first race.

Bless her little heart.

You know why
Edwina won that race?

Why?

'Cause she's so pretty,

those other horses were
chasing her so they could smooch.

Could be, could be.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a
Filmways presentation.