Mister Ed (1958–1966): Season 3, Episode 13 - Horse of a Different Color - full transcript

Mister Ed wants to join the circus.

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪



[Ed singing]

Ed, would you
hold it down a little?

I'm trying to concentrate.

Sorry, Wilbur.

[chuckles]

[dials phone]

Ed, what are you doing?

Just calling to find
out the correct time.

Why don't you just ask me?

I didn't want to bother you.

Would you please
hang up that phone?

Okay.

Ed, I've got to
finish these plans.

If you keep distracting
me, I'll never get through.



I'm bored. I've
got nothing to do.

Well, find something to do.

Read one of your comic books.

They depress me.

Then read a magazine.

Okay.

[object crashes]

Ed, I have never
seen you so restless.

What's the matter
with you, anyway?

I'm bored.

There's nothing for a
horse to do around here.

You can talk.

Why don't you go out
and exchange gossip

with the postman or the
neighbors or somebody?

You know I talk only to you.

All right, gabby.

Look, be a good fella.

Go back in your stall,
have a little snack, huh?

Okay, okay.

Eat, sleep, eat, sleep.

I lead a dog's life.

[chewing sounds]

Ed, must you chew
your food like a cow?

Sorry, Wilbur.

Wilbur.

I told you to be quiet.

I beg your pardon?

Oh, Rog, hi.

I'm sorry, Rog. We
were... What's new?

Wilbur, I have just had
the most wonderful break.

You know those 12 acres I
own near the railroad track...

That lemon I've been
trying to get rid of for years?

You mean that property
you've been trying to sell me?

I've had a wonderful break.

Armstrong Circus is in town,

and I've leased them the property
for eight weeks on a percentage basis.

Wow. I bet you stand
to make quite a profit.

With the deal I've made,

I'll need one of their elephants

to help me carry the
money to the bank.

You know, with my luck,
if I'd been in on the deal,

a mouse could do the job.

I do have the knack, don't I?

Oh, you do.

Anyway, I'd like to have
you and Carol as my guests

at the opening
performance tonight.

I haven't been to a
circus since I was...

Well, about... I
was there last year.

Well, see you under the big top.

All right.

Under the big top.

He's real circus folk, huh?

What time are we
leaving tonight, Wilbur?

We? I can't take you.

Oh, why not?

I'd look pretty stupid
buying a ticket for a horse.

I'm only 9.

You could get
me in for half price.

You just stay here, and I'll bring
you home some nice cotton candy.

You and your
cotton-pickin' cotton candy.

Gee.

Would you hurry it up, honey?

The circus starts in an hour.

Oh, darling, will you help me?

My zipper is stuck.

One zipper-upper, coming up.

Let's see.

Isn't it nice of Roger
to take us to the circus?

He can afford it.

He stands to make a lot of
money leasing this land out.

I'm glad you don't regret not
buying that land from Roger.

What do you mean by that?

- Nothing.
- Nothing, huh?

I don't remember you advising me

when he offered me the deal.

Sweetheart, I didn't think...

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking that I'm
a terrible businessman.

- Oh, Wilbur.
- Oh, yes.

You've been carrying this
thing on your chest for months,

and you just had to
get it off, didn't you?

I'm awful sorry, dear.

Oh, it's all right, honey.

I'll slip into something else.

Well, let's get going.

Hi. How are you?

I'll be right down.
Won't be a minute.

You just entertain yourselves.

I tore her dress.

Isn't that sweet?

Well, what actually happened...

Wilbur, please. I know it
makes a very spicy story,

but I'd like to get to
the circus on time.

Relax, Rog. They don't
start counting the money

till everybody leaves.

I'm not worried about
getting my share of the take.

Then why did you pack
that adding machine

in the trunk of the car?

You have an adorable
little mouth, my dear.

Of course, I use the
word "little" advisedly.

I'll be right back. I've got
to tuck Ed in for the night.

Keep slugging, kids.

I got you ahead
by two rounds, Kay.

[humming]

Good night, Ed.
We'll be leaving in...

What's your feedbag doing here?

You want me to eat
hot dogs at the circus?

Ed, I told you. We can't
take you with us to the circus.

They don't sell
seats for horses.

So I'll stand.

I can't take you. Now,
please, try to understand, huh?

But I'm so bored.

All I do all day is look
at these four bare walls.

Okay, I'll try to get Picasso to
come in and paint you a mural.

Why can't I go?

Got to be leaving now, Ed.

I'll call you when I get
back from the circus. Sorry.

[Ed groans]

You may see me there.

Oh?

I hate to do this, Ed,

but you are asking for it.

Please take your horsey
to the circus, Wilbur.

Horsey threatens
to go over the wall,

horsey is going to
be locked in his stall.

That ought to keep you
from getting any wild ideas.

How will you open the lock?

I thought you lost the key.

I did, yeah.

But, uh... [chuckles]

- I had another one made.
- [Ed groans]

Good night, Ed.

Pleasant dreams.

We'll see.

Well, well, the
lost key. Ha ha ha!

They haven't made the
jail that can hold this horsey.

Buttered popcorn.

Hot peanuts.

Fresh buttered popcorn.

Wilbur, you're
worse than a child.

You eat any more,
you'll explode.

You better start the countdown.

Popcorn.

Oh, doll, isn't this exciting?

Addison, must you
count the house now?

But the place is
almost a sell-out.

With attendance like this,
I may be able to take you

on that European trip
you've always wanted.

Keep counting.

And now, that death-defying act

never before seen
in this country.

The daredevil horse Galahad,

leaping through
the ring of fire.

Here he comes now.

Hi, Ed.

Hi, Wilbur. How was the circus?

Same old acts. Believe
me, you didn't miss a thing.

You can say that again.

- Huh?
- Nothing.

Just making small talk.

I'm sorry I had to chain
you up like that, Ed.

I'll take the lock off now.

Take your time. No hurry.

Okay.

Ed, before I left, I put
that lock on your left foot.

Now it's on your
right foot. How come?

Maybe I crossed
my legs in my sleep.

And maybe you crossed me.

Ed, you were at that circus.

Impossible. You got the key.

You called a locksmith
and got him to open it.

That wouldn't be
smart of me, Wilbur.

He'd send you a bill.

You're right, Ed. I'm sorry.

It's my mistake.
Will you forgive me?

Sure, buddy. You're only human.

I'll give you some oats
before you hit the sack.

No, Wilbur, don't bother.

It's no bother.

How did this circus
program get in here?

In where?

You know where.
Into your feedbag.

I'm waiting for an answer.

And I'm working on one.

I don't know how you got
loose, but you disobeyed me.

If you ever do that again,
you're going to be in...

Look at me when
I'm talking to you.

I'm running away
and joining the circus.

That's a laugh.

What are you going to
do? You only talk to me.

- I have other talents.
- Like what?

Well, I'm an escape artist.

I'll take that
circus life any time.

Traveling all over
the world, top billing.

Yeah, Mister Ed.

The horse on the flying trapeze.

[hums "Man On
The Flying Trapeze"]

[hums "Man On
The Flying Trapeze"]

Let's see... 2,800
attendance last night.

Figure the same for tonight.

Are we really going to
take me to Europe, doll?

My dear, if business
continues like this,

I may take you to the moon.

Mother's little
financial genius.

Kay, let's face it.

Either you've got
it or you haven't.

I've got it, and
I'm getting more.

When you talk to me like this,
I get goose pimples all over.

I'm hungry. I wonder what's
keeping Carol and Wilbur.

It was sweet of you to invite
them over for breakfast, doll.

You know that when I
offered to sell that property

to Wilbur last year,
he turned it down.

You want to make him feel good.

No. I want to rub it in.

I wonder how much money
Addison made last night.

Think I'll mosey
over and nosy around.

- Hi, Kay.
- Hello, sweetie.

- Hi, Wilbur.
- Hello, Kay.

It's nice of you to
invite us for breakfast.

- My pleasure.
- Roger.

- Hi, Wilbur.
- Don't get up.

I won't.

I was just figuring out your
share of the profits for last night.

My share of the profits?

Oh, I forgot.
We're not partners.

You turned down that
property, didn't you?

Addison, don't rub it in.

Oh, let him rub.

For my goof, I
deserve a massage.

Don't worry, honey. There'll
be other opportunities.

- And other massages.
- [phone rings]

- Excuse me.
- Certainly.

Don't pay any attention
to what he says.

Wilbur, I fixed your
favorite kippers.

I don't like kippers.

He does so.

Good morning, Mr. Armstrong.

Bad news.

What happened?

It's Galahad. He's
come down with a cold.

No, he won't be able to
perform the next week or so.

Haven't you got another
horse that can make the jump?

No, huh?

Of course I'm worried
about the gate receipts.

For what that will
cost us tonight,

I'd jump through that
flaming hoop myself.

[groans]

[groans louder]

Can I do something for you, Rog?

Maybe give you a massage?

Oh, Wilbur, please.
Don't rub it in.

Oh, come on, Rog.
It's only money.

[groans]

Someday, we'll all look
back on this and laugh.

I know I will.

Just trying to cheer him up.

I have a feeling you're
cheering him down.

What Wilbur means,
doll, it's only money.

You still have me.

[groans]

[phone rings]

Hello.

Oh, Mr. Armstrong.

Yes, he's here.

For you, Addison.

[groans]

Don't tell me the
tent burned down.

We just got a lucky break.

A man called and
claims he's got a horse

that can jump through
the flaming hoop.

He says it's the spitting
image of Galahad.

We won't even have
to change the publicity.

Wonderful. That's marvelous.

What time are you
going to see this horse?

7:00? Fine. I'll meet you there.

Oh, boy, what a wonderful break.

Mr. Armstrong says he has
a replacement for Galahad.

We won't lose any money tonight.

Doll, it's nice to have the
color back in your face.

You looked like you
were out of this world.

I did?

Yeah, and we were plenty
worried during your reentry period.

You still thinking about running
away from home and joining the circus?

Yep. I guess it's the
gypsy in my blood.

Let me tell you about the
uncertainty of circus life.

You take Galahad
the wonder horse.

Yesterday, a big star.

I happen to know today,
he is being replaced.

That's right. By me.

If you would just
use your head...

You?

Who do you think
called Armstrong?

You.

Ed, whatever made
you do a thing like that?

I want to be in the circus.

Even if it means leaping
through a flaming hoop?

I guess I'm just a big ham.

Go on and jump, and you'll
wind up a smoked ham.

Oh?

Ed, believe me.

This whole thing is
just a passing fancy.

You know, every kid
at some time in his life

wants to run away from
home and join a circus.

So it's my turn now.

This is impossible.

You could never
pass for Galahad.

You got the same coloring,
but you have different markings.

Ever hear of a dye job?

You want to dye your hair?

Why not?

So I'll be a horse
of a different color.

You really want to run away
from home and join the circus?

I never wanted anything more.

Okay.

If that's what you want, I
won't stand in your way, Ed.

Please. The name is Galahad.

While you're down there, Wilbur,

do my toenails.

Next, you'll be wanting
open-toed horseshoes.

Ed, I think it would be
easier if I bought you a wig.

The first windy day,
I'd be blowing my top.

Put a touch of gray
in my tail, Wilbur.

Give me that distinguished look.

You'll get gray soon enough,

when you're out in
the world on your own.

Does he or doesn't he?

We'll just let you
cool off a little

before we go down to the circus.

Do you think I should have my
hooves manicured while I'm waiting?

No, but I think you should
have your head examined.

Hey, Wilbur, how about driving
down to the circus with me

to take a look at that horse
that Mr. Armstrong is...

What's all this?

This is Ed. He's going
to take Galahad's place.

What?

Rog, what difference
does it make

which horse jumps
through the hoop

as long as the horse is willing to
jump, and he looks like Galahad?

I think I'm going to cry.

He sure looks like
Galahad, doesn't he?

Sure does.

I still say he won't jump.

He'll jump, all right.

There's only one
thing, Mr. Armstrong.

I don't want any money for Ed.

No money?

No. I'll take Galahad instead,

if it's okay with you.

But I'd much rather pay cash.

Then it's no deal.

You see, I'm used to having
a horse around the place,

and Ed looks so
much like Galahad

it would make me
feel less lonesome.

This whole thing is ridiculous.

That old nag will never jump.

He's chicken clear
down to his pin feathers.

All right. You've got a deal.

If your horse will
jump through the ring,

we'll make the swap.

Come on, come on. It's
getting close to show time.

Make him jump.

Come on.

Okay, Joe, kill
the house lights.

Hit the follow spot.

Light the ring.

You're all set.

All right, Ed. Go ahead. Jump.

Go on, Ed.

Jump.

I knew it. Look at him.

He's shaking so much,
he could mix a martini.

Ed, don't jump.

Don't jump, Ed. Don't jump.

Don't jump. Don't jump, Ed.

Don't jump. Come on, Ed.

Well, I guess we'd better announce
Galahad won't appear tonight.

What? We'll lose money.

Can't we get one of the
other animals to jump?

How about the kangaroo?

Monkeys?

The zebra. Zebras
jump, don't they?

You must have some
animal. This is a big circus.

You were really
going to jump, Ed.

What was that bit about
Galahad coming to live with you?

Well, Ed, you'd be gone,

and I wanted
another horse to love

and to go riding
with in the park,

and camping and fishing,

and all the things we
used to do together.

You could hardly
wait to get rid of me.

[Ed cries]

It was your idea to
join the circus, not mine.

The body isn't even cold,

and you wanted another horse.

No, Ed, I didn't
want another horse.

There's nobody could
take your place, Ed.

This is what you wanted.

Why'd you listen to me?

I'm just a crazy mixed-up kid.

You won't be bored
back in the barn?

No, and if I ever talk
about running away again,

you know what I want you to do?

What?

Put that lock on me and
throw away both keys.

All right, Ed.

Both keys?

I should've figured
there was another key.

Where are you hiding it?

You come back and tell me
where you're hiding that key.

Ed, can I come in?

Yeah. Come in.

I saw your light on. What
are you doing up so late?

Just standing around thinking.

What are you thinking about?

About what a nut I am.

Forget it, Ed.

Everybody gets bored
with his life now and again

and feels like running away.

Want to hear a
poem I just made up?

- A poem?
- Yeah.

All right.

Blessings on thee, Wilbur Post.

As a buddy, you're the most.

I promise you I'll never roam,

'cause where you are
is home sweet home.

Oh, Ed.

You want to hear it again?

Sure.

Blessings on thee, Wilbur Post.

As a buddy...

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a
Filmways presentation.