Mister Ed (1958–1966): Season 3, Episode 12 - Wilbur the Masher - full transcript
A woman accuses Wilbur of being a masher after Ed whistles at the filly she is riding.
[whinnies]
Hello. I'm Mister Ed.
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪
♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪
♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪
♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪
♪ He'll give you the answer ♪
♪ That you'll endorse ♪
♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪
♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪
Come on, Ed, move.
Don't rush me.
Look, you asked me to
bring you out here riding,
yet you stop every ten feet
and start looking around.
Who you looking for?
Flossie.
Who's Flossie?
Only the cutest little
chestnut filly you ever saw.
Va-va-va-voom.
Don't tell me
you're in love again.
I think I'll marry Flossie
and make her Mrs. Ed.
At the wedding, I'll be very
happy to give you away.
But you always
give the bride away.
In your case, I'll
make an exception.
Shh. Here she comes.
Get a load of that Flossie.
I'd sure like to see
her in a black saddle.
Easy, Ed. Don't flip your mane.
[wolf whistle]
Ed!
[wolf whistle]
How dare you whistle at me.
I didn't whistle.
You don't expect
me to believe that?
Well, if I told you the truth,
I wouldn't expect you
to believe that, either.
You're just lucky my
husband isn't here.
Come on, Flossie.
Boy, look at those
gorgeous legs.
[growls]
You won't believe it again.
Using that phony sexy voice.
You mashers are all alike.
My name is Wilbur Post.
I'm an architect,
and I'm not a masher.
Now I'm warning you.
One more peep out of you,
and I'm going to call the police.
[wolf whistle]
Ed, giddy up.
Pack your bags. We're leaving
for San Francisco tonight.
What are you talking about?
Carol, there's a French
fashion show opening tomorrow,
and you and I are
going to feast our eyes
on those darling creations.
Oh, it sounds wonderful, Kay,
but I wouldn't feel
right about going away.
I just spent quite
a bit of money,
and I couldn't ask Wilbur
to pay for a trip now.
Would you go if
he asked you to go?
Of course. I'd love to
see those new fashions.
Then it's settled.
Wilbur will ask you to go.
You're going to
brainwash Wilbur?
Not Wilbur, but my husband's
in for a little mental shampoo.
He doesn't know it, but he's
going to ask Wilbur to ask you.
Kay, do you really
think you can trick Roger
into getting Wilbur to ask me
to go to San Francisco with you?
Well, of course. I can get
Addison to do anything I want.
He's been my little
puppet for years.
Kay, you're priceless.
You know, Ed, you could
have gotten me into real trouble
whistling at that horse.
[Ed giggles]
[mocks]
You're not going
to the park again.
Why?
You will not be seeing Flossie.
Nothing can keep me
from the woman I love.
She's not a
woman, she's a filly.
And I like the way she's filled.
That'll be enough out of you.
Wilbur, I just overheard
our wives plotting against us.
What do you think they're up to?
Today is Thursday. Carol
does the ironing on Thursday,
so by now, she's
up to my shirts.
You'll lose some
of that flippancy
when you find out
what's going on.
Our wives are trying to trick us
into financing their
trip to San Francisco.
What are you
going to do about it?
Well, what any red-blooded
American husband would do.
- Let them go.
- You're ab...
Well, I'll go and put
a stop to this myself.
Wait. I'll go watch you.
Flossie.
- Flossie?
- Come on, come on, come on.
I'll tell Addison that I'm going
to the fashion show by myself.
Then he'll be afraid you'll
spend too much money.
Exactly. You know
how cheap my doll is.
Addison will be
afraid to let me go
with just our checkbook
to accompany me.
You'll suggest that
little old conservative me
go along to keep
you from spending.
- How can we miss?
- We can't.
- It's perfect.
- Magnificent.
Thank you.
Little puppet, huh? Cheap, huh?
- Now, doll...
- I didn't hear that one.
Carol, if you wanted
to go to San Francisco,
why didn't you just ask me?
- Can I go?
- Of course.
Oh, Wilbur.
And all you had to do is ask me.
- Can I go?
- No.
If Kay can't go, then
I don't want to go.
Roger, are you going
to be selfish enough
to deprive my wife of
having a good time?
Now I don't even
want to go at all.
The way I feel now,
I probably wouldn't buy
anything in San Francisco.
I second that.
So I'll just stay here in town,
where the department
stores are closer.
Enjoy your trip, my dear.
Thank you, doll.
A handshake will be sufficient.
- Say, Wilbur.
- What?
How about inviting Flossie's
owner for a moonlight ride?
Then I can get to see Flossie.
Are you kidding?
I'm a married man.
I'd be one, too, if
you'd cooperate.
That's all I'd need.
Have Carol find out that I've
been double-dating with a horse.
So what?
I guess I'll have to do
my own matchmaking.
Honey, if I'd been in the park, I'd
have punched him right in the nose.
Oh, Frank, stop
being so jealous.
[phone rings]
I told him off. He'll
never bother me again.
Hello.
Hello. Is this Mrs. Gordon?
It's that masher again.
I'd recognize that phony
voice of his anywhere.
Yes, this is Mrs. Gordon.
Mrs. Gordon, when will you be
riding Flossie again in the park?
Why do you want to know?
Oh, I'm just an
admirer of beauty.
Where did you get
my phone number?
From the stables
that board Flossie.
Look, I don't
want to talk to you.
Please, Mrs.
Gordon. I'm in love.
The nerve of that man.
This is important. Hello. Hello.
Who are you talking to?
Mrs. Gordon, Flossie's owner.
Mrs. Gordon?
That is the woman
you whistled at.
I was whistling at Flossie.
You said his name was
Wilbur Post, didn't you?
His address must
be in the phone book.
I've got a few words
to say to that man...
in person.
You stay off that phone,
and you stay
away from that filly.
Stay away from the face
that launched 10,000 ships?
It was 1,000 ships,
and it was Helen of Troy.
It would've been 10,000 ships
if it had been Flossie.
- Wilbur?
- In here, honey.
I want to make you
something special for lunch
before I leave
for San Francisco.
All right. Burn some toast,
scramble a couple
of eggs too hard,
make the coffee too weak.
- What?
- I want to get used to it.
That's what I'll be eating
when I do the cooking.
Oh, honey, I sure
am going to miss you.
I'm going to miss
you, too, dear.
Here. For the face that
launched 10,000 ships.
Thank you, but it
was 1,000 ships,
and it happened
to be Helen of Troy.
If it were you, my dear, it
would have been 10,000.
Oh, Wilbur, you say the nicest
things. How do you think of them?
Oh, they just come to me.
Well, I'll go fix
that burnt toast.
I gave you the line.
She gave you the kiss.
I don't even get to see Flossie.
Forget about it, Ed.
You nearly got me
into a lot of trouble.
What trouble?
Yes?
I'd like to see Mr. Post.
He's out back in the office.
I'm Mrs. Post.
Won't you come in?
He's married, Frank.
Let's forget the whole thing.
No. That makes it even worse.
Is there something wrong?
Your husband's a masher.
A masher?
Oh, no, there's some mistake.
I wish there were, but
I'm afraid there isn't.
There certainly isn't.
He's a wolf. He whistled
at my wife in the park.
Made some remark about her legs.
She told me he even
used some silly sexy voice.
And he just telephone
me a little while ago.
I'm terribly sorry, Mrs. Post.
Oh, no. You must be
mistaken about my husband.
He's a fine man,
and he's faithful.
He just bought me this corsage
because I'm going
away to San Francisco,
and I'll be gone for
three days, and he'll be...
He'll be home alone and...
His office is out this
way. Let's go talk to him.
Wilbur, please, please take me
riding in the park tomorrow morning.
Nope.
- How about a slow trot?
- Nope.
How about a walk side by side?
- No.
- Oh, Wilbur.
I couldn't help it.
I saw Flossie prancing in
the park, and before I knew it,
I did what any
red-blooded horse would do.
My lips suddenly came
together, and out came...
[wolf whistle]
That's the whistle.
He did it again.
And in front of his own wife.
What kind of a
man did you marry?
I'm not so sure now.
That's the man.
What's the idea of
whistling at my wife?
Whistle? No, I didn't whistle.
Okay, wise guy, if
you didn't whistle,
but it came from
inside the barn.
That's right. That's where
it came from, all right.
I'll go inside and find
the guy who did it,
and punch him right in the nose.
No, no.
You might as well
hit me right now.
Frank, don't.
This poor woman
has enough trouble
just being married
to a man like this.
But not for long.
I don't blame you.
Look, Romeo, if you
ever bother my wife again,
you'll be whistling
through your gums.
Come on, dear.
Just a minute.
Dear, the harmless-looking
ones are always the worst.
Well?
I never whistled at that woman.
I most certainly
didn't phone her.
Who said anything about phoning?
You... Oh.
Well, any man who
would whistle at a woman
certainly would phone her.
I wouldn't. I c...
Would you like
another orchid, honey?
I don't want this one.
Well?
[Ed stammers]
As long as you're
stuck with that orchid,
I'll give it to Flossie.
Oh!
I just can't understand Wilbur
being attracted to another woman.
He and Carol have only
been married a few years.
Well, maybe with Wilbur, the
seven-year itch started early.
Yes, a wife never knows
when her husband's
going to reach the
scratching stage, does she?
Sorry.
I guess your trip to San
Francisco is canceled.
Oh, of course.
I just can't imagine Carol
traveling in the mood she's in.
Poor girl.
Maybe there's something we
can do to bring them back together.
After all, their argument's
only an hour old.
That's right. They haven't
even reached the throwing stage.
How about door slamming?
I haven't heard one yet.
I'm surprised.
With us, when we
have an argument...
[doorbell rings]
Carol. Where are you going?
San Francisco.
You mean you still want to go?
Just because my
husband is a playboy
doesn't mean I
have to stop living.
Oh, come now, Carol.
Maybe you've misjudged Wilbur.
I certainly have.
Whistling at that woman
and telephoning her.
Roger, did you ever suspect
that Wilbur was a masher?
No. Took me by
complete surprise.
Maybe you should
cancel the trip.
No, I'm going whether
Kay comes or not.
I'll go with you, dear.
Wait. Let's be reasonable.
Let's talk this thing
out over lunch.
I was so embarrassed when that
young woman came into my house
with that lovely figure and
those deep, violet eyes.
- Is she that beautiful?
- Yes.
We'd better stick around, dear.
To keep an eye on Wilbur?
And him, too.
He's a little past
the seven-year itch,
but I still think
he can scratch.
Wilbur, I'm sorry I got
you into all this trouble.
You didn't mean it, Ed.
When a fella's in love, he does
silly things. Why shouldn't a horse?
- Yeah.
- [Wilbur sighs]
[sighs]
I don't know how I
could live without Carol.
I don't know how I
could live without Flossie.
- [sighs]
- [sighs]
That Mrs. Gordon
seems very nice.
If only I could convince her
that wasn't my voice
she heard on the phone,
she'd come over
here and talk to Carol
and clear the whole thing up.
But that's hopeless.
[sighs]
Buddy boy, you can stop sighing.
I think I've got it solved.
You mean, you'll
talk to Mrs. Gordon,
explain the whole thing?
Not in person. I only
talk to you, you know.
Then how can...
You mean... Uh-huh.
- Aha.
- Hmm.
He certainly had me fooled.
Carol, try and eat something.
All the things we shared.
Honey, this is just a
little tiff. You'll get over it.
No, I won't.
It's just too hard to swallow.
How true.
How can a man so
sweet turn out so sour?
It happens in the
best of families.
Do you remember the
time he forgot my birthday,
and he made up by taking
us out to dinner and dancing
and bought us all champagne?
Maybe it'll happen again.
- Eat your soup, doll.
- I'm trying.
[door opens]
Carol, you're coming with me,
and we're going to straighten this out.
Let go of me, you,
you, you... Playboy.
You playboy.
Look, I did not phone that
woman, and I didn't whistle at her.
I'm going to prove it to you.
Let go of me.
I have to catch a plane.
Oh, go with him, Carol. If he's
lying, there are later planes.
I am not lying.
Wilbur!
You know, Addison,
I have a feeling that
everything is going to be all right.
Aren't you glad, doll?
Thank you, my dear, for
a most delightful lunch.
Honestly, Carol, this fella
in the park whistled, you see,
and when she turned
around, he was hiding.
Why was he hiding?
He's a very shy
and bashful fella.
But he whistles at women.
It's not his fault.
He's a nature lover.
Please, look, dear.
He's from the country,
and he used to go into the
park to practice his bird calls.
- Bird calls?
- Yeah.
Then one day, a
girl answered them,
and it sort of
changed his whole life.
He decided he
wasn't for the birds?
Yeah. No!
Carol, he's still shy, you see,
but now he's a
compulsive whistler.
But he's all whistle.
The minute a girl
turns around, he hides.
- Then you take over.
- No!
Then if he only whistles, who made
the remark about the pretty legs?
He said that to me.
About your legs?
I haven't got pretty legs.
I used to think so.
Well, they are... Carol!
Carol, listen to me.
This fella, he's going
to phone Mrs. Gordon
in exactly 20 minutes.
As soon as she recognizes his
voice, she'll know it wasn't me.
Wilbur, I'd like to
believe you, but...
Carol, I never have
been able to whistle.
Remember on our honeymoon?
You had to hail all the taxis?
Well, now do you
believe my story?
It isn't easy, Wilbur.
But you have that guilty
look you always have
when you're telling the truth.
Come on.
I'm going to take you
to the Gordons' with me.
I still can't figure
that Post guy out.
He's got such a beautiful wife.
Why would he be
flirting with you?
- What's wrong with me?
- What?
I've got a good mind to
pack and go home to Mother.
Honey, I didn't mean
it the way it sounded.
What I meant
was... [doorbell rings]
Mr. Post.
I have come to clear
this whole thing up.
Look here, Post.
In just one minute, your
telephone is going to ring.
Where is it? Ah, yes.
In one minute, that
telephone is going to ring.
You're going to recognize
the voice of the man
who really did call
you and whistle at you.
But there was no one else there.
Mrs. Gordon, the man
who is smitten with you
is a friend of mine,
and he's very shy.
Mr. Post, I still insist
there was no one else
around in that park.
I told you, he's very shy.
He was hiding behind a tree.
What's his name?
Well, he's so shy that
he can't even reveal that.
What a story.
As long as we're here,
shouldn't you give
my husband a chance?
I'm giving him one.
Thank you, my dear.
He will phone in
exactly 15 seconds.
14, 13, 12, 11, 10...
[knock on door]
Oh.
[Roger] Wilbur,
are you in there?
Let's leave it
here in the office.
They'll just love
this champagne.
If they make up,
and at $3.95 a
bottle, they better.
Let's leave them a little note.
What's the matter
with this stupid beast?
Addison, can you think of
something romantic to say?
That'll take a little time.
I'm kind of out of practice.
Maybe my watch stopped.
Yes, that's what it is.
No, no. It's going.
Uh... I'll start with, um,
"Our dear lovebirds."
Sickening and sentimental.
My dear, you
have another critic.
Your telephone,
it's out of order.
You've got to
hear the dial tone...
Telephone's all right.
How's this?
"Our dear neighbors."
Too cold.
Well, then, how about
"To the sweetest, most
lovely people we know"?
Too long.
How about, "To
whom it may concern"?
- "Dear sir"?
- Great. And brother.
Maybe we're in a
different time zone.
My friend, he'll
call any minute.
He wouldn't let me down.
He's as faithful as a horse.
I've got to get to a telephone.
It could be sunspots.
Sunspots, they'll
interfere with the electricity.
And the electricity will
interfere with your telephone.
No.
Your lines... Your
lines could be down
from a terrible typhoon.
There could be a terrible
typhoon someplace.
Wilbur, didn't you
embarrass me enough before?
Did you have to put
me through this, too?
I'm innocent.
I don't know what your game
is, but I've had enough of it.
Mr. Gordon, please.
Somebody ought to
teach you a lesson.
For a start, I'm going
to bend your face a little.
- [phone rings]
- Excuse me.
Hello.
It's him. It's him.
- It's him.
- Hello.
Hello, baby. It's me,
your bashful Romeo.
It's the same voice.
Were you in the
park this morning?
Yep, and I was even hiding
behind the Posts' barn this afternoon.
And you're the one who whistled?
Yep.
[wolf whistle]
Mr. Post, I owe you an apology.
Oh, Wilbur.
Oh, Mrs. Gordon.
Yes?
You've got beautiful legs.
Well, thank you.
But they don't
compare to Flossie's.
Well, I finally got
that note written.
My dear, it was a masterpiece.
Quote... "Dear friends,
we hope you enjoy
the champagne."
Unquote.
Well, Ed, everything worked
out fine. Carol apologized.
[Ed laughs]
You got lipstick
all over your cheek.
Well, she's been apologizing
for the last half hour.
Wilbur, when I get
you into trouble,
don't I always get you out?
Yeah, Ed, but one question.
What's that?
Why do you always
get me into trouble?
Because I like to get you out.
Hey, Ed, now that
I'm on such good terms
with Mrs. Gordon
and her husband,
maybe I can arrange it
for you to see Flossie.
[wolf whistle]
Flossie!
Wilbur?
Do you know what I just heard?
No.
I thought you said
you couldn't whistle.
I couldn't.
Then all of a sudden,
when I saw you in shorts,
I just... Would you
turn around again?
[wolf whistle]
Oh, Wilbur.
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪
♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪
♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪
♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪
♪ He'll give you the answer ♪
♪ That you'll endorse ♪
♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪
♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪
♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪
♪ And waste your time of day ♪
♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪
♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪
♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪
♪ Well, listen to this ♪
[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
Hello. I'm Mister Ed.
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪
♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪
♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪
♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪
♪ He'll give you the answer ♪
♪ That you'll endorse ♪
♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪
♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪
Come on, Ed, move.
Don't rush me.
Look, you asked me to
bring you out here riding,
yet you stop every ten feet
and start looking around.
Who you looking for?
Flossie.
Who's Flossie?
Only the cutest little
chestnut filly you ever saw.
Va-va-va-voom.
Don't tell me
you're in love again.
I think I'll marry Flossie
and make her Mrs. Ed.
At the wedding, I'll be very
happy to give you away.
But you always
give the bride away.
In your case, I'll
make an exception.
Shh. Here she comes.
Get a load of that Flossie.
I'd sure like to see
her in a black saddle.
Easy, Ed. Don't flip your mane.
[wolf whistle]
Ed!
[wolf whistle]
How dare you whistle at me.
I didn't whistle.
You don't expect
me to believe that?
Well, if I told you the truth,
I wouldn't expect you
to believe that, either.
You're just lucky my
husband isn't here.
Come on, Flossie.
Boy, look at those
gorgeous legs.
[growls]
You won't believe it again.
Using that phony sexy voice.
You mashers are all alike.
My name is Wilbur Post.
I'm an architect,
and I'm not a masher.
Now I'm warning you.
One more peep out of you,
and I'm going to call the police.
[wolf whistle]
Ed, giddy up.
Pack your bags. We're leaving
for San Francisco tonight.
What are you talking about?
Carol, there's a French
fashion show opening tomorrow,
and you and I are
going to feast our eyes
on those darling creations.
Oh, it sounds wonderful, Kay,
but I wouldn't feel
right about going away.
I just spent quite
a bit of money,
and I couldn't ask Wilbur
to pay for a trip now.
Would you go if
he asked you to go?
Of course. I'd love to
see those new fashions.
Then it's settled.
Wilbur will ask you to go.
You're going to
brainwash Wilbur?
Not Wilbur, but my husband's
in for a little mental shampoo.
He doesn't know it, but he's
going to ask Wilbur to ask you.
Kay, do you really
think you can trick Roger
into getting Wilbur to ask me
to go to San Francisco with you?
Well, of course. I can get
Addison to do anything I want.
He's been my little
puppet for years.
Kay, you're priceless.
You know, Ed, you could
have gotten me into real trouble
whistling at that horse.
[Ed giggles]
[mocks]
You're not going
to the park again.
Why?
You will not be seeing Flossie.
Nothing can keep me
from the woman I love.
She's not a
woman, she's a filly.
And I like the way she's filled.
That'll be enough out of you.
Wilbur, I just overheard
our wives plotting against us.
What do you think they're up to?
Today is Thursday. Carol
does the ironing on Thursday,
so by now, she's
up to my shirts.
You'll lose some
of that flippancy
when you find out
what's going on.
Our wives are trying to trick us
into financing their
trip to San Francisco.
What are you
going to do about it?
Well, what any red-blooded
American husband would do.
- Let them go.
- You're ab...
Well, I'll go and put
a stop to this myself.
Wait. I'll go watch you.
Flossie.
- Flossie?
- Come on, come on, come on.
I'll tell Addison that I'm going
to the fashion show by myself.
Then he'll be afraid you'll
spend too much money.
Exactly. You know
how cheap my doll is.
Addison will be
afraid to let me go
with just our checkbook
to accompany me.
You'll suggest that
little old conservative me
go along to keep
you from spending.
- How can we miss?
- We can't.
- It's perfect.
- Magnificent.
Thank you.
Little puppet, huh? Cheap, huh?
- Now, doll...
- I didn't hear that one.
Carol, if you wanted
to go to San Francisco,
why didn't you just ask me?
- Can I go?
- Of course.
Oh, Wilbur.
And all you had to do is ask me.
- Can I go?
- No.
If Kay can't go, then
I don't want to go.
Roger, are you going
to be selfish enough
to deprive my wife of
having a good time?
Now I don't even
want to go at all.
The way I feel now,
I probably wouldn't buy
anything in San Francisco.
I second that.
So I'll just stay here in town,
where the department
stores are closer.
Enjoy your trip, my dear.
Thank you, doll.
A handshake will be sufficient.
- Say, Wilbur.
- What?
How about inviting Flossie's
owner for a moonlight ride?
Then I can get to see Flossie.
Are you kidding?
I'm a married man.
I'd be one, too, if
you'd cooperate.
That's all I'd need.
Have Carol find out that I've
been double-dating with a horse.
So what?
I guess I'll have to do
my own matchmaking.
Honey, if I'd been in the park, I'd
have punched him right in the nose.
Oh, Frank, stop
being so jealous.
[phone rings]
I told him off. He'll
never bother me again.
Hello.
Hello. Is this Mrs. Gordon?
It's that masher again.
I'd recognize that phony
voice of his anywhere.
Yes, this is Mrs. Gordon.
Mrs. Gordon, when will you be
riding Flossie again in the park?
Why do you want to know?
Oh, I'm just an
admirer of beauty.
Where did you get
my phone number?
From the stables
that board Flossie.
Look, I don't
want to talk to you.
Please, Mrs.
Gordon. I'm in love.
The nerve of that man.
This is important. Hello. Hello.
Who are you talking to?
Mrs. Gordon, Flossie's owner.
Mrs. Gordon?
That is the woman
you whistled at.
I was whistling at Flossie.
You said his name was
Wilbur Post, didn't you?
His address must
be in the phone book.
I've got a few words
to say to that man...
in person.
You stay off that phone,
and you stay
away from that filly.
Stay away from the face
that launched 10,000 ships?
It was 1,000 ships,
and it was Helen of Troy.
It would've been 10,000 ships
if it had been Flossie.
- Wilbur?
- In here, honey.
I want to make you
something special for lunch
before I leave
for San Francisco.
All right. Burn some toast,
scramble a couple
of eggs too hard,
make the coffee too weak.
- What?
- I want to get used to it.
That's what I'll be eating
when I do the cooking.
Oh, honey, I sure
am going to miss you.
I'm going to miss
you, too, dear.
Here. For the face that
launched 10,000 ships.
Thank you, but it
was 1,000 ships,
and it happened
to be Helen of Troy.
If it were you, my dear, it
would have been 10,000.
Oh, Wilbur, you say the nicest
things. How do you think of them?
Oh, they just come to me.
Well, I'll go fix
that burnt toast.
I gave you the line.
She gave you the kiss.
I don't even get to see Flossie.
Forget about it, Ed.
You nearly got me
into a lot of trouble.
What trouble?
Yes?
I'd like to see Mr. Post.
He's out back in the office.
I'm Mrs. Post.
Won't you come in?
He's married, Frank.
Let's forget the whole thing.
No. That makes it even worse.
Is there something wrong?
Your husband's a masher.
A masher?
Oh, no, there's some mistake.
I wish there were, but
I'm afraid there isn't.
There certainly isn't.
He's a wolf. He whistled
at my wife in the park.
Made some remark about her legs.
She told me he even
used some silly sexy voice.
And he just telephone
me a little while ago.
I'm terribly sorry, Mrs. Post.
Oh, no. You must be
mistaken about my husband.
He's a fine man,
and he's faithful.
He just bought me this corsage
because I'm going
away to San Francisco,
and I'll be gone for
three days, and he'll be...
He'll be home alone and...
His office is out this
way. Let's go talk to him.
Wilbur, please, please take me
riding in the park tomorrow morning.
Nope.
- How about a slow trot?
- Nope.
How about a walk side by side?
- No.
- Oh, Wilbur.
I couldn't help it.
I saw Flossie prancing in
the park, and before I knew it,
I did what any
red-blooded horse would do.
My lips suddenly came
together, and out came...
[wolf whistle]
That's the whistle.
He did it again.
And in front of his own wife.
What kind of a
man did you marry?
I'm not so sure now.
That's the man.
What's the idea of
whistling at my wife?
Whistle? No, I didn't whistle.
Okay, wise guy, if
you didn't whistle,
but it came from
inside the barn.
That's right. That's where
it came from, all right.
I'll go inside and find
the guy who did it,
and punch him right in the nose.
No, no.
You might as well
hit me right now.
Frank, don't.
This poor woman
has enough trouble
just being married
to a man like this.
But not for long.
I don't blame you.
Look, Romeo, if you
ever bother my wife again,
you'll be whistling
through your gums.
Come on, dear.
Just a minute.
Dear, the harmless-looking
ones are always the worst.
Well?
I never whistled at that woman.
I most certainly
didn't phone her.
Who said anything about phoning?
You... Oh.
Well, any man who
would whistle at a woman
certainly would phone her.
I wouldn't. I c...
Would you like
another orchid, honey?
I don't want this one.
Well?
[Ed stammers]
As long as you're
stuck with that orchid,
I'll give it to Flossie.
Oh!
I just can't understand Wilbur
being attracted to another woman.
He and Carol have only
been married a few years.
Well, maybe with Wilbur, the
seven-year itch started early.
Yes, a wife never knows
when her husband's
going to reach the
scratching stage, does she?
Sorry.
I guess your trip to San
Francisco is canceled.
Oh, of course.
I just can't imagine Carol
traveling in the mood she's in.
Poor girl.
Maybe there's something we
can do to bring them back together.
After all, their argument's
only an hour old.
That's right. They haven't
even reached the throwing stage.
How about door slamming?
I haven't heard one yet.
I'm surprised.
With us, when we
have an argument...
[doorbell rings]
Carol. Where are you going?
San Francisco.
You mean you still want to go?
Just because my
husband is a playboy
doesn't mean I
have to stop living.
Oh, come now, Carol.
Maybe you've misjudged Wilbur.
I certainly have.
Whistling at that woman
and telephoning her.
Roger, did you ever suspect
that Wilbur was a masher?
No. Took me by
complete surprise.
Maybe you should
cancel the trip.
No, I'm going whether
Kay comes or not.
I'll go with you, dear.
Wait. Let's be reasonable.
Let's talk this thing
out over lunch.
I was so embarrassed when that
young woman came into my house
with that lovely figure and
those deep, violet eyes.
- Is she that beautiful?
- Yes.
We'd better stick around, dear.
To keep an eye on Wilbur?
And him, too.
He's a little past
the seven-year itch,
but I still think
he can scratch.
Wilbur, I'm sorry I got
you into all this trouble.
You didn't mean it, Ed.
When a fella's in love, he does
silly things. Why shouldn't a horse?
- Yeah.
- [Wilbur sighs]
[sighs]
I don't know how I
could live without Carol.
I don't know how I
could live without Flossie.
- [sighs]
- [sighs]
That Mrs. Gordon
seems very nice.
If only I could convince her
that wasn't my voice
she heard on the phone,
she'd come over
here and talk to Carol
and clear the whole thing up.
But that's hopeless.
[sighs]
Buddy boy, you can stop sighing.
I think I've got it solved.
You mean, you'll
talk to Mrs. Gordon,
explain the whole thing?
Not in person. I only
talk to you, you know.
Then how can...
You mean... Uh-huh.
- Aha.
- Hmm.
He certainly had me fooled.
Carol, try and eat something.
All the things we shared.
Honey, this is just a
little tiff. You'll get over it.
No, I won't.
It's just too hard to swallow.
How true.
How can a man so
sweet turn out so sour?
It happens in the
best of families.
Do you remember the
time he forgot my birthday,
and he made up by taking
us out to dinner and dancing
and bought us all champagne?
Maybe it'll happen again.
- Eat your soup, doll.
- I'm trying.
[door opens]
Carol, you're coming with me,
and we're going to straighten this out.
Let go of me, you,
you, you... Playboy.
You playboy.
Look, I did not phone that
woman, and I didn't whistle at her.
I'm going to prove it to you.
Let go of me.
I have to catch a plane.
Oh, go with him, Carol. If he's
lying, there are later planes.
I am not lying.
Wilbur!
You know, Addison,
I have a feeling that
everything is going to be all right.
Aren't you glad, doll?
Thank you, my dear, for
a most delightful lunch.
Honestly, Carol, this fella
in the park whistled, you see,
and when she turned
around, he was hiding.
Why was he hiding?
He's a very shy
and bashful fella.
But he whistles at women.
It's not his fault.
He's a nature lover.
Please, look, dear.
He's from the country,
and he used to go into the
park to practice his bird calls.
- Bird calls?
- Yeah.
Then one day, a
girl answered them,
and it sort of
changed his whole life.
He decided he
wasn't for the birds?
Yeah. No!
Carol, he's still shy, you see,
but now he's a
compulsive whistler.
But he's all whistle.
The minute a girl
turns around, he hides.
- Then you take over.
- No!
Then if he only whistles, who made
the remark about the pretty legs?
He said that to me.
About your legs?
I haven't got pretty legs.
I used to think so.
Well, they are... Carol!
Carol, listen to me.
This fella, he's going
to phone Mrs. Gordon
in exactly 20 minutes.
As soon as she recognizes his
voice, she'll know it wasn't me.
Wilbur, I'd like to
believe you, but...
Carol, I never have
been able to whistle.
Remember on our honeymoon?
You had to hail all the taxis?
Well, now do you
believe my story?
It isn't easy, Wilbur.
But you have that guilty
look you always have
when you're telling the truth.
Come on.
I'm going to take you
to the Gordons' with me.
I still can't figure
that Post guy out.
He's got such a beautiful wife.
Why would he be
flirting with you?
- What's wrong with me?
- What?
I've got a good mind to
pack and go home to Mother.
Honey, I didn't mean
it the way it sounded.
What I meant
was... [doorbell rings]
Mr. Post.
I have come to clear
this whole thing up.
Look here, Post.
In just one minute, your
telephone is going to ring.
Where is it? Ah, yes.
In one minute, that
telephone is going to ring.
You're going to recognize
the voice of the man
who really did call
you and whistle at you.
But there was no one else there.
Mrs. Gordon, the man
who is smitten with you
is a friend of mine,
and he's very shy.
Mr. Post, I still insist
there was no one else
around in that park.
I told you, he's very shy.
He was hiding behind a tree.
What's his name?
Well, he's so shy that
he can't even reveal that.
What a story.
As long as we're here,
shouldn't you give
my husband a chance?
I'm giving him one.
Thank you, my dear.
He will phone in
exactly 15 seconds.
14, 13, 12, 11, 10...
[knock on door]
Oh.
[Roger] Wilbur,
are you in there?
Let's leave it
here in the office.
They'll just love
this champagne.
If they make up,
and at $3.95 a
bottle, they better.
Let's leave them a little note.
What's the matter
with this stupid beast?
Addison, can you think of
something romantic to say?
That'll take a little time.
I'm kind of out of practice.
Maybe my watch stopped.
Yes, that's what it is.
No, no. It's going.
Uh... I'll start with, um,
"Our dear lovebirds."
Sickening and sentimental.
My dear, you
have another critic.
Your telephone,
it's out of order.
You've got to
hear the dial tone...
Telephone's all right.
How's this?
"Our dear neighbors."
Too cold.
Well, then, how about
"To the sweetest, most
lovely people we know"?
Too long.
How about, "To
whom it may concern"?
- "Dear sir"?
- Great. And brother.
Maybe we're in a
different time zone.
My friend, he'll
call any minute.
He wouldn't let me down.
He's as faithful as a horse.
I've got to get to a telephone.
It could be sunspots.
Sunspots, they'll
interfere with the electricity.
And the electricity will
interfere with your telephone.
No.
Your lines... Your
lines could be down
from a terrible typhoon.
There could be a terrible
typhoon someplace.
Wilbur, didn't you
embarrass me enough before?
Did you have to put
me through this, too?
I'm innocent.
I don't know what your game
is, but I've had enough of it.
Mr. Gordon, please.
Somebody ought to
teach you a lesson.
For a start, I'm going
to bend your face a little.
- [phone rings]
- Excuse me.
Hello.
It's him. It's him.
- It's him.
- Hello.
Hello, baby. It's me,
your bashful Romeo.
It's the same voice.
Were you in the
park this morning?
Yep, and I was even hiding
behind the Posts' barn this afternoon.
And you're the one who whistled?
Yep.
[wolf whistle]
Mr. Post, I owe you an apology.
Oh, Wilbur.
Oh, Mrs. Gordon.
Yes?
You've got beautiful legs.
Well, thank you.
But they don't
compare to Flossie's.
Well, I finally got
that note written.
My dear, it was a masterpiece.
Quote... "Dear friends,
we hope you enjoy
the champagne."
Unquote.
Well, Ed, everything worked
out fine. Carol apologized.
[Ed laughs]
You got lipstick
all over your cheek.
Well, she's been apologizing
for the last half hour.
Wilbur, when I get
you into trouble,
don't I always get you out?
Yeah, Ed, but one question.
What's that?
Why do you always
get me into trouble?
Because I like to get you out.
Hey, Ed, now that
I'm on such good terms
with Mrs. Gordon
and her husband,
maybe I can arrange it
for you to see Flossie.
[wolf whistle]
Flossie!
Wilbur?
Do you know what I just heard?
No.
I thought you said
you couldn't whistle.
I couldn't.
Then all of a sudden,
when I saw you in shorts,
I just... Would you
turn around again?
[wolf whistle]
Oh, Wilbur.
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪
♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪
♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪
♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪
♪ He'll give you the answer ♪
♪ That you'll endorse ♪
♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪
♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪
♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪
♪ And waste your time of day ♪
♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪
♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪
♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪
♪ Well, listen to this ♪
[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA