Mister Ed (1958–1966): Season 2, Episode 5 - Ed the Jumper - full transcript

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪



Whoa. Whoa, Ed.

It's about time.

I don't run on gas, you know.

You can use the exercise, Ed.

You're about 50
pounds overweight.

Well, that's just baby fat.

- Wilbur, will you
get me a candy bar?
- No.

How about some nice water?

Water? I get it.

If it's free, it's okay.

Okay, Ed. Open your mouth.

[Man] Wilbur Post!

Why, you old son of a gun.

Karl. Karl Dickinson. I
thought you were back East.



We've been out
here six months now.

Bought a place
over in Beverly Hills.

Beverly Hills?

Well, that's a pretty
exclusive district, huh?

Well, it's only a 14-room house.

Well, I hope you're
doing all right, Wilbur,

'cause, well, if you're not,

I get jobs sometimes
that are too small for me.

- I'd be glad
to throw them your way.
- Oh, thanks, Karl.

But I'm doing
pretty well right now.

What's been happening to you?

I haven't seen you for so
many years. You married?

To the most gorgeous little
girl you ever wanted to see.

Two years ago, she
was Miss Alabama.

Well, how about you? Married?

To the most gorgeous
girl you'll ever see.

Two years ago, she
was Miss Higgins.

Well, look, we
ought to get together.

I'd ask you over to our
house, but it's kind of a mess.

Blanche is redecorating, and
I'm having the pool enlarged.

You see, it's only 40 x 60 now.

Well, you need a
bigger one, don't you?

I mean, you never know

when Moby Dick may
drop by for a swim.

- Very good.
- Why don't you and the wife

stop over to our place
for dinner tonight?

That's a great idea.
Where do you live?

17230 Valley Spring. It's
in the San Fernando Valley.

The Valley? That's kind of
a long way to drive, isn't it?

Not when you get
your pool extended.

It'll just be a short swim.

- How about 8:00?
- Great.

- See you then, Wilbur.
- Okay, Karl.

Come on, McTavish. [laughing]

You know, guys like him
make me glad I'm a horse.

Oh, Karl's okay, Ed.

He just likes to blow
his own horn a little.

A little?

He sounds like the
Hollywood Freeway

at 5:30.

I'd better get
home and tell Carol

that we're gonna
have guests for dinner.

Okay, Ed. Giddyap.

[grunts] Hey, you kicked me.

I'm sorry, Ed. It was an
accident. Forgive me?

No, not till I see the
X-rays in the morning.

Suppose I did that to you.

Oh, Ed. Come on.

Honey, don't you think we
ought to have place cards?

- Place cards?
- Yeah. Well, these people
are from Beverly Hills.

Honey, we don't
need place cards.

You know him, I know you,

and who's ever left
over must be her.

Darling, will you please relax?

I have a beautiful
dinner prepared.

- I am relaxed.
- [doorbell rings]

That's him! That's him!
Now, honey, don't get calm.

Keep nervous.
Karl's an old friend.

You'd think it was the
King and Queen of England.

Yes... [clears throat]

It's the king. It's Karl. Karl.

- [Karl] Hello, Wilbur.
- Well, come on in.

Wilbur, I'd like to have
you meet my wife Blanche.

Oh, it's a pleasure.

I'd like you to
meet my wife Carol.

Carol, this is Blanche.

- How do you do, Mrs. Dickinson?
- Hello, there.

- This is Karl.
- Hello.

Hello, Carol. Say, Wilbur,
you got yourself a pretty wife.

By golly, you're right.

I understand you
were Miss Alabama.

That's right, honey.

Well, I'll tell you, she
should've been Miss America.

But what chance does a Southern
girl have with six Yankee judges?

Who did win the title?

Oh, Miss Georgia.

- Oh, here. Let me help you.
- Why, thank you.

Oh, my, what a
beautiful mink stole.

Why, thank you, honey.

I was gonna buy
my wife a fur coat,

but Carol says, "Who needs
a fur coat in California?"

Carol who?

[Karl laughing]

She's funny.

Oh, won't you sit
down, please, Blanche?

There. Karl.

Thank you.

Ooh. Um, would you care
for a champagne cocktail?

Maybe later, Wilbur.

Well, since you like champagne,

may I recommend Verdon Bleu '29?

A little dry for our palates.

How do you feel
about Napa Valley '61?

Domestic stuff.

Well, the way I feel about it,

why buy French champagne
to get an American hangover?

Karl honey, your
friend is funny.

Dinner will be ready
in a few minutes.

Oh, there's no hurry, Carol.

Say, you two have a
very cozy place here.

We like it.

It's real cute. Looks
just like our guesthouse.

Uh, Karl, you haven't changed.

You look the same
as you did in college.

Ah, those were the days.

Remember when we played
that big game against State?

I ran the opening kickoff
back for a touchdown.

Yeah. You were a big hero.

Well, you made some pretty
fancy runs yourself that day.

Wilbur, you never told me
you were on the football team.

Oh, sure. Whenever
the team called time,

he ran out with the
water bucket. [laughing]

Never spilled a drop.

Same old Dippy.

Dippy?

Well, that's what the
team used to call him.

He always had the
water dipper in his hands.

Dippy.

Isn't that just
too all precious?

Real sweet.

Well, excuse me. Dinner
should be ready now.

Oh, Wilbur, would
you bring in the water?

Ah, that's what
he was famous for.

That was a good dinner.
Your wife's a wonderful cook.

I'm glad you liked it. I'm sure
your wife's a good cook, too.

Oh, she doesn't cook at all.

- No?
- No.

You know, Karl, you've really
done very well for yourself.

I've heard nothing but
wonderful things about you.

Oh, really? Who from?

You.

Same old Dippy.

Eh... this is where
your office is?

Yeah. Come on in.

You know, there's one thing
I've always said, Wilbur...

Shh!

[whispering] You'll wake Ed.

Ed?

That's Ed.

Who is he, your partner?

Poor Ed. I gave him quite
a workout in the park today.

Why, I didn't realize
this was your horse.

I thought it was some
plug you'd rented.

Plug?

Ed happens to be a
registered Palomino.

There isn't a finer
horse in California.

Oh, you're kidding.
Now, I own a horse.

Well, you saw
McTavish this morning.

Oh, yes. Not a bad-looking nag.

Nag? Why, I'll have you know

that he comes from a long
line of Scottish champions.

His father won the Edinburgh
Sweepstakes three years in a row,

and his mother never lost a
steeplechase in her whole racing career.

Well, you may not believe this,

but when I go riding with Ed,

he jumps over
everything in sight...

Shrubs, benches, people.

Why, he must be part
registered kangaroo.

Nobody can out-jump Ed.

Come on, Dippy. A little
fresh air will sober you up.

- I mean it.
- [laughing]

I'm thinking of
taking Ed abroad.

I want to enter him in one of
those English steeplechases.

Why bother taking him abroad?

My equestrian club
is giving a horse show.

The main event will
be a steeplechase.

Why don't you enter your
horse? It'll be on the 16th.

Oh, on the 16th?

Eh... Wait. I just
thought of something.

- A way to weasel out?
- Yeah... No.

I have a dental
appointment on the 16th.

- You're going to the dentist.
- The 16th.

On Sunday.

Oh. Well, I... I usually get a
toothache over the weekend.

For a minute there, you
almost had me convinced

old lard belly in
there could jump.

Wait a minute.

I changed my mind.

- We will enter that meet.
- Good.

Now I won't have to guess.

I'll know who's coming in last.

Oh, yeah? Well, let
me tell you something.

Ed could out-jump
that McTavish of yours

with one foot tied
behind his back.

Oh, really?

Well, would you like to make
a little bet on your horse?

- How little?
- Say 5 bills?

5 bills. That's a bet.

[clock alarm ringing]

[groans]

[ringing stops]

Another day,
another bale of hay.

Morning, Ed.

Look, I'm sorry Karl Dickinson
woke you up last night.

The nerve of that guy
calling me an old plug.

Yeah. He called
you old lard belly, too.

[Ed stammers]

I guess you'd do anything
to get even with him, huh?

Wouldn't I?

I thought so. That's
why I entered you

to compete against his horse
in the steeplechase on Sunday.

[stammers] A steeplechase?

Isn't that where they jump
over those big hedges?

That's right.

You entered a plug like me,

"old lard belly"?

You said you wanted
to get even with him?

Suddenly I feel very forgiving.

Ed, you can't back out.

Don't tell me you're
scared... That you're yellow.

I don't know, but I'm
in there someplace.

Ed, I know you can
beat this McTavish.

Why, you're twice
the horse he is.

And three times the coward.

Please, Ed. I want you to
beat my friend's horse for...

Well, for personal reasons.

And I wanna stay alive
for personal reasons.

- [Roger] Wilbur? You in there?
- Yes, Rog.

Carol tells me you're entering
Mister Ed in the horse show.

That's right.

What's he gonna do,

keep the flies off
the other horses?

Ed is going to be
in the steeplechase.

The steeplechase?

Look, Rog, I know that Ed
is not known as a jumper.

He's not even known as a walker.

Wilbur, what madness
possessed you

entering old fatso
in the steeplechase?

- When is this horse show?
- Sunday.

Take my advice.
Leave town Saturday.

"Old fatso," huh?

I'll show him.

Ed, you'll enter
the steeplechase?

If you'll be the jockey,
I'll be the horse.

- That's a deal. Let's shake on it.
- Mmm.

- [phone ringing] - That's
okay. I'll get it. Thanks.

Hello.

Hello, Wilbur. This is Karl.

Hey, how about being
my guest tomorrow

at the Beverly
Hills Country Club?

Golf, lunch. Everything on me.

You know, you'll be living.

Well, thanks a lot, Karl,

but I've gotta get Ed
ready for the steeplechase.

I'll be working him
out all day tomorrow.

Oh, you're kidding.

Your horse is no
match for McTavish.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm
willing to release you from our bet.

What's the matter, Karl?
You getting worried?

Worried?

This is gonna be the easiest
500 bucks I ever made.

Well, see you Sunday, Dippy.

[laughing]

Dippy.

Easiest 500... 500?

Something wrong, Wilbur?

I just found out I...

I bet $500 on you to win.

500? That's a lot of hay.

Ed, do you think you stand
a chance against McTavish?

Suddenly, I... I feel
like an old plug again.

Why'd you stop, Ed? Hey,
we gotta get that weight off you.

You've got another
20 miles of roadwork.

Wilbur, I'm nothing
but skin and bones now.

Stop complaining.

This will be the first race

where the jockey weighs
more than the horse.

- You wanna back out?
- No.

My mother taught me
never to be a quitter.

- Attaboy, Ed.
- But sometimes I wish

I'd listened to my
father, Old Yellowback.

Come on, Ed. Let's go. Come on.

Okay, Ed, let's try it
once more, shall we?

All right.

This thing is heavy, you know.

[Wilbur] 1, 2, 3, 4... Ouch.

How about some chow now, Wilbur?

Not yet. We've still got
28 pounds to take off.

Let's split it.

14 pounds each.

That's enough steam, Wilbur.

I smell something
cooking, and I think it's me.

You've still got 12
more pounds to lose.

I'll come out of here a pony.

[vibrating] How
much longer, Wilbur.

Not till we tighten up
some of that lard back there.

Tighten up?

You're turning it into butter.

Ohhh...

Now that your weight's down,

I want to show you
some jumping techniques.

You really think this
movie is gonna help me?

I went to a lot of trouble
to rent these films.

Yeah?

I want you to study the style
of these jumpers particularly.

- Uh-huh.
- Once you catch on to it,
it's a cinch.

- You ready?
- Yeah. Are you?

- Yeah.
- Roll 'em, Wilbur.

Hey, it looks like
fun, doesn't it?

[Mister Ed] Yeah.
Seems easy enough.

[Wilbur] See how
simple it is, Ed?

You just tuck the
front legs under

and let your powerful
haunches lift you

lightly and gracefully
over the obstacle,

clearing it neatly as
you... Ah-ah. Uh-oh.

Oh, my aching back.

I think we can turn
those lights on now.

Relax, Ed. Those pileups
don't happen very often.

Just once is enough, buddy boy.

Don't worry.

You've got nothing
to fear but fear itself.

And I'm just loaded
with that stuff.

Ed.

Ed, will you listen to me?

There's nobody in
here but us chickens.

[kicks projector]

Honey, I was...

Wilbur, what's wrong?

Carol,

sit down.

You always tell me to sit down
when there's some bad news.

I can take it standing
up. What is it?

Carol, that $5.00 bet I
made with Karl is $500.

No. Wilbur, how could
you make such a bet?

It was a misunderstanding,
and I'm stuck with it.

You're not stuck with anything.

You get right on this
phone and call Karl

and tell him the bet is off.

Now go on.

Honey, I can't back out now.

Why not? You know
he's gonna beat you.

Well, that was Karl's major
in college... beating Wilbur.

Everything I tried,
he'd beat me.

He even beat me out of
baseball, basketball, football, track.

He got everything that I wanted.

You know, if he'd
known you when I did,

I'd still be a bachelor.

I would've picked you
over him in a minute.

Oh, thanks, honey, but...

I probably won't win on Sunday,

but I'd like to give him a
run for his money just once.

I'd like to see you
do it, too, darling,

but I don't want to
see either of you hurt.

Oh, no. We'll be all right.

I've been working with
Ed, and he's pretty good.

- How about some dinner?
- All right, Wilbur.

I love you.

Better have a light dinner

if you're gonna be on my back.

Ed!

Then you're with me?

All the way.

That big mouth has
beaten you for the last time.

Oh, thanks, Ed.

A man never had a better horse.

That's true.

- One thing, Wilbur.
- Yeah?

When we take that first
jump, keep your eyes open

because mine are
gonna be closed.

Oh, Ed.

Now, don't get sloppy.

Let's go, Ed. We'll
take that first jump.

Ed, you're supposed to
jump over the hedge, not eat it.

Well, it looked so high,

I thought I'd nibble
it down a few feet.

Can't be more than 5 feet.
I could hurdle this myself.

I got a feeling that's
just what you'll be doing.

Ed, you don't feel
that you can do it,

well, I'll forfeit the bet.

No, sir. I'm not
gonna let that guy

push your face in
the dirt anymore.

Attaboy, Ed.

All we have to do is think of
a graceful way to weasel out.

- Will you make up your mind?
- [hoofbeats]

Hey, here comes Karl now.

Hey, I must admit that
McTavish is a beautiful horse.

He doesn't look very bright.

Hey, Wilbur,

invite Karl over
for a cup of coffee.

Why?

Don't ask questions.

I've got an idea.

Go ahead.

Wilbur, what are you
doing out here so early?

Oh, just checking the course.

I thought this barrier
could be a little higher.

Well, the first one is
always the smallest.

- They get bigger
as you go along.
- Oh.

How about a cup of coffee?

Good idea. I'll buy.

[clicks tongue]
Come here, McTavish.

We'll just deduct it from the
500 you're gonna owe me,

Dippy, old boy.

[sputtering]

Well, thanks for
the coffee, Karl.

Forget it. Well, I
think I'll take McTavish

through a couple of jumps just to
show you what you're up against.

Fine.

Come on, McTavish.

Ed, what did you do?

Never mind. Just don't
laugh before it happens.

- Before what happens?
- [whispering] Let's stand
over there and just watch.

[whispering] Okay. Come on.

Let's show them a
good jump, McTavish.

Ooh.

What did you do?

I got McTavish to join my
club... Cowards Anonymous.

I guess my horse got
spooked at something.

I'll have to scratch
him from the race.

Oh, that's a shame.

Wilbur, I'm gonna have
to give you a check.

Uh, forget about it, Karl.

You really never
stood a chance at all.

You see, there isn't another
horse in the world like my Ed.

Remember one thing...

Dippy the water
boy finally beat you.

Giddyap.

Ed, you don't have
to do this, you know.

I've got to find
out if I'm a jumper.

Well, okay. But be careful.

I don't want you
to hurt yourself.

Hold tight now.

One of us may never come back.

Wilbur, say "giddyap."

Giddyap.

[Mister Ed whoops]

- We did it! We did it, Ed!
- Yeah.

Get off, Wilbur. I think
I'm gonna faint. [groans]

[Wilbur laughing]

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Serivices, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a
Filmways television presentation.