Mister Ed (1958–1966): Season 2, Episode 25 - Clint Eastwood Meets Mister Ed - full transcript

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪



Carol will be furious with me

for missing this town
hall meeting tonight.

What am I going to tell her?

Tell her the truth.

You had to go chasing
all over town to find me.

Oh, fine.

Hold it down, Wilbur.

Fine. I tell her that, I'll be sleeping
in the barn with you tonight.

That's swell. I'll teach you
how to sleep standing up.

I did not marry Carol

so I could spend
my nights with you.

Oh, all right.

I've got a problem with a filly.

You've got a problem
with your wife.



Let's run away together.

Ed, I do not like your attitude.

There's one thing I
demand from my horse,

and that is respect.

- Well...
- Never mind.

I'll talk to you later.

Go back to your stall.

Yes, master.

Honey, look who's here. [laughs]

Look, honey. I'm awfully sorry
about missing that town meeting,

but you know what happened?

Ed suddenly disappeared.

I had to go running all
over town looking for him.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking that I'm lying.

Well, you're wrong.

I'm telling the truth,

and I must say that
after years of marriage,

I'm a little disappointed
in your doubting me.

Oh, you don't think I
was chasing Ed, huh?

Think I was chasing after
some dizzy little blonde, huh?

Oh, boy, that's great.

That's great.

Yeah, I come home,
calm, apologetic,

willing to sit down
and discuss this

like a reasonable human being,

and what do I find?

Instead I'm in the
middle of an argument

and I can't even get
a word in edgewise.

No... no, please,
enough of this bickering.

I can't stand this
bickering, dear.

I'm going to put
Ed away right now,

and if you want me
to sleep in the barn,

that's okay with me.

Okay.

[sighs] Just like a wife.

Got to get the
last word in, huh?

Yakkity, yakkity, yakkity, yak.

Now, look, Ed. I am
tired of playing games.

Why did you leave
the barn today?

Well, there's a new
horse in the neighborhood

called Midnight.

Yeah?

He's been stealing my fillies,

and I went over to
kick him around a little.

And what happened?

Nothing. He's bigger than I am.

That big, huh?

Next to him I
look like a poodle.

Hm, well, this horse Midnight,

is he new in the neighborhood?

Yeah, he belongs
to Clint Eastwood,

that TV star who rides bareback.

Mr. Eastwood does
not ride bareback.

Then why do they
call his show Rawhide?

That's very good, very good.

So Midnight has been
stealing your fillies, huh?

Yeah, they go for these
tall, dark, handsome horses.

Blonds seem to be out of style.

Well, nothing we
can do about it, Ed.

You've got to get Clint Eastwood

to move out of this
neighborhood, Wilbur,

or I'll wind up an old bachelor.

Look, I'm not going to get Clint
Eastwood to move anywhere.

[phone rings]

[Mister Ed] Don't
answer that, Wilbur.

Why not?

We've got a party line now,

and two rings are
for the other party.

A party... since when?

Well, the phone company called

and asked if we'd mind
sharing our line for a week,

and I said okay.

That's mighty big of you, Ed.

There's a shortage of
circuits since the storm, Wilbur,

and I believe in helping
a fellow human being

in a time of need.

You're also a snooper who
loves to listen in on conversations.

[chuckles] Yeah, that, too.

Are you sure you didn't
arrange this whole thing?

Oh, no, Wilbur, of course not.

Good night, Wilbur.

Good night, snooper.

Party line. [groans]

Well, so this is where you are.

Hi, Rog. Look, I'm awfully sorry

I missed that town
hall meeting tonight,

but how did it go?

Oh, fine, fine.

We decided to put on a show

to help raise money
for the new youth center,

and guess who was appointed

chairman of the
entertainment committee.

It's you, huh?

- You.
- Me?

I wasn't even there.

That's why you got the job.
No one else volunteered.

Who suggested me?

Well... Oh, don't tell me.

Somebody who has it in for me,

wants to see me breaking my back

over a thankless job, huh?

That's right. Your wife.

Carol?

She knows I'd never
handle a job like this.

Relax, my boy. Relax.
This is a very important job,

so they've appointed
a co-chairman

to help you round
up the entertainment.

Who's my cochairman?

Me.

I went out for a glass of water,

and when I returned,

my dear wife had already
put the knife in my back,

but we'll be able to put
on some kind of a show.

All you have to
do is write the play.

The play? What play?

Someone in the audience
thought it would be a good idea

and suggested your
name as the writer.

Oh, look, Rog, I'm an
architect. I'm not a writer.

What nut suggested me?

Your wife.

I'm lucky they weren't looking for
volunteers for the Foreign Legion.

If they were, you'd
be on a camel now.

Oh, hey, Wilbur.

We'd better have that
play by this weekend

if we're going to
learn our parts in time.

We? Oh, Rog, we're not actors.

[sighs] Dare I ask
who suggested us?

The charter members
of Murder Incorporated...

Our wives.

Wasn't even at the meeting.

Boy, you really
got me into trouble.

I've only got a few
days to write a play,

and... and... and...

And you're going to help me.

With what?

With the play.

Well, will you talk to Eastwood
about getting rid of his horse?

Of course not.

How can I do that?

He'll be sorry.

Just wait till Eastwood
finds out I'm his party line.

There will be one party
less in his neighborhood.

- Hello?
- Mule head.

Who is this?

[chuckles]

Good morning, Mr. Eastwood.

Hi, Katie.

Say, this scene's still
giving me a little trouble.

- You mind cuing me again?
- Oh, sure.

I memorized the lines
this morning, Mr. Eastwood.

- Shoot.
- Good.

You don't know what you're
asking me, Little Rain Cloud.

I can't stay here with you.

Mr. Favor's depending on me.

But my people need you, too,

and I need you.

I need you like earth need rain

and flower need sun.

You'll forget me in
time, Little Rain Cloud.

All it will do is just
take a little time, honest.

Me never forget you.

If you stay here,

you be first white
chief of tribe,

and I be proud to
have you by my side.

Oh, Little Rain Cloud,

your people would
never accept me,

and in time you'd
hate me yourself.

[grunts]

Hm, that line
isn't in the script.

I know.

Little Rain Cloud
ad lib a little.

[phone rings]

Two rings. That's us.

Big White ch... uh,

Mr. Eastwood's residence.

Yes.

Just a moment.

A Mr. Stanley Darrow.

Stanley Darrow?

- Some day...
- Hey, Katie...

Hello, Mr. Darrow?

Mr. Eastwood, the
reason I'm calling,

we have a big feature
coming up soon,

and I thought you might be
interested in the staring role.

It's a great script.

Do you think you could get about
six weeks off from your TV series?

Six weeks? Well, I could
sure try and manage that, sir.

But you couldn't afford
me, you cheap old windbag.

What did you say?

I didn't say anything.

Well, are you
interested, Eastwood?

Yes, sir, I... yes, I'm definitely
interested, Mr. Darrow.

But if you ever show
your ugly puss on the set,

I'll quit.

Who's on the other
end of this line?

[chuckles]

What's the matter, Mr. Eastwood?

Some smart joker on that
party line's giving me a hard time.

- I'm going to find out
who it is.
- [phone rings]

No, wait a
minute. I'll get that.

Hello?

Darling? What's the matter?

Oh, hi, baby doll.

I'm just having a little bit of
a problem here. That's all.

Well, don't be mad at me.

Sweetie, I miss you.

I miss you, too, sweet talker.

What time you want me
to pick you up tonight?

Listen, little girl.

If you're smart, you'll cut
this con artist off right now.

He's been promising
to marry my daughter

for over a year.

Wha... that's awful.

Look...

[laughs]

Ha ha ha!

I almost got carried
away that time.

When I find out who that guy is,

I'm going to break his back.

Hello, give me the
business offices, will you?

Honey, I'm trying to write
the play, but it's pretty hard.

I'm sure Tennessee Williams
didn't have to get his own breakfast.

Good morning,
Carol. How's Wilbur?

Wilbur who?

Well.

I trust you had a good
night's rest on the couch?

- Whose side are you on anyway?
- Yours.

I always root for the underdog,

and I've never seen a dog
who looked more under.

I'm going out to
get some fresh air.

Play isn't coming very fast.

How far have you got?

First word of the title.

[doorbell rings]

Yeah?

- Are you Wilbur Post?
- That's right.

How would you like
a punch in the face?

The things they're selling
door to door these days.

You must be making some
mistake, fella. I don't know you.

Look, I'm the guy
in your party line,

and don't tell me you didn't
play that practical joke on me.

What practical joke?

Wait a minute.

Come to think of it,

his voice was a little
deeper than yours.

What voice? Look, I don't
even know who you are.

Say, aren't you Clint Eastwood?

Yeah, that's right.

Who's voice is lower?
What practical joke?

My wife and I watch you
every week on Rawhide.

Oh, we think it's
a wonderful show.

Well, thank you, sir.

My name is Roger Addison.

I believe you've
met Wilbur Post?

Say, could I have
your autograph?

My wife likes to
save those things.

Sure.

[exhales] You were taking
an awful chance there, fella.

I don't like practical jokes,

and I don't like people
coming to my house

and pushing me around.

Please, Wilbur, if you
want to cry, go outside.

There's evidently
been some mistake.

Yeah? What would you say
if I came over to your house

and started to rough you up?

Uh, well, I'd say that
was trick photography.

Well put, partner.

Why don't you take your
quick tongue out for a slow walk.

Mr. Post, some guy
got on our party line

and caused me to loose
a very big picture job,

lied to my girlfriend,

and I thought it was you,

but it evidently wasn't.

- Now, will you forgive me?
- Uh, yeah, yeah.

Did you say that this
fellow's voice was lower?

Yeah, very low.

You got any idea
who that might be?

Uh, maybe, yeah.

Could be some character I know

who likes to horse around a lot.

Excuse me.

We can go downtown after lunch.

All right, sweetie.

Clint Eastwood. [gasps]

Oh, Addison, you doll, you
got Mr. Eastwood for our show.

Well, not exactly, my dear.

You see, Mr. Eastwood is
new in the neighborhood,

and he just dropped
by to pay a social call.

Mr. Eastwood, may I present
my wife Kay and Carol Post?

- How do you do, Mr. Eastwood.
- Hi, Kay, how are you?

Oh, we watch you
every week on television.

Oh, yes, I just love
that one last week

where that wealthy
woman from Texas

fell in love with you.

[Kay] Yes, she wore
such stunning jewels.

Do you know where
she bought them?

Do you suppose you could get us
some tickets of your show being filmed?

Oh, that would be exciting.

I've never seen a television
show being filmed before.

Ed, somebody got on
Mr. Eastwood's party line

and made them lose a big job.

Any idea who that
practical joker might be?

Duh... Uh, maybe Addison?

Maybe Ed?

No, I vote for sourpuss Addison.

Uh-huh.

Well, this has all the
earmarks of an inside job,

and you had the opportunity,

the motive, and the telephone.

Come on, Ed, admit it.

This is America.

You can't make a horse
testify against himself.

On account of you,
Carol isn't speaking to me.

I've got to finish writing
a play in a couple of days

that I can't even start,

and just now Clint
Eastwood roughed me up.

Please, holler, but don't hit.

You promise me that you
will leave Mr. Eastwood alone.

Okay, I promise.

Good, I...

You don't mean it. You've
got your hooves crossed.

Now say "I promise."

- I promise.
- That's better.

Gee.

Let's see now.

Act 1, scene 1, page 1.

Stuck again.

[humming]

Oh.

Hee-ya!

[screams]

[crying]

What's going on in
here? What happened?

Oh, that monster.

Monster?

Oh, no, I don't mean... Look.

Come on, Katie,
just take it easy.

Sit down, relax a minute.

I'll look around.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Hello, Mr. Post.

Oh, Mr. Eastwood,
come in. Come in.

Mr. Post, I need your help.

Well, anything I can
do to help a neighbor.

Won't you sit down?

Thanks.

Now, what seems
to be the problem?

Horses.

[door bangs]

Horses, huh?

I don't have any
trouble with horses.

I have other problems.

Oh, have you?

Like trying to write a play.

Look, Clint,

if I help you with your problem,

will you help me with mine?

Well, yeah if I can, but I
came here to talk about a horse.

Having trouble with
your horse, huh?

Who said anything
about my horse?

You did.

I don't remember
anything about...

Look here, Post.

Ever since I've moved
into this neighborhood,

I've been having
nothing but trouble,

and now to top it all off,

your horse has scared my
housekeeper clean out of her wits.

In fact she's
threatened to quit on me.

My horse scared her?

That's right, your horse.

Oh, no, you must be mistaken.

No, Mr. Ed would
never do a thing like that.

I'm not mistaken.

I saw him. I followed
him right over here.

I think he needs
some discipline.

I've got a little
experience with animals.

I could work with him a few
days a week, help you train him.

- Discipline Ed?
- Yeah.

Look, that's very kind of you,

but I don't want to impose.

No imposition at all.

Come on, boy.

I don't think I would
try this today, Clint.

Why not? I can handle him.

Well, some days he acts a little
different than he does other days.

I have a feeling that...

I'll ride him around
the neighborhood,

work him out a little for you.

[grunts]

I told you he wouldn't
learn anything.

About this play that
we're doing for charity.

Oh, he'll learn.

You know, horses
who act this way

are usually pretty smart.

In fact, you should have
seen Midnight at first.

He's so well
trained now, though,

the studio insisted on
buying him from me,

They want to ship him off
to Europe for a big picture.

Then you don't have any
horse at your place, huh?

No. I'm getting another
one tomorrow, though.

Pretty little filly, 2-year-old.

See? He likes you.

How about that?

Remember, Clint, you promised
to help me with my problem

if I helped you with yours.

I thought I just did that.

Oh, you mean the little
play you were writing?

Yeah, little is right.

The way it's going, it's only going
to have two words... "The End."

Tell me, Wilbur,
are you a writer?

If I am, that typewriter
can sue me for non-support.

I'll tell you what.

I have a little Western
sketch at home

that I've been saving
for a benefit performance.

Oh, is it written
for four people?

No, nine,

but that's all right.
It's a Western.

We can kill off five of them
in the first few seconds.

Wonderful.

What's the story all about?

Well, you know, a
typical Western...

Boy finds horse,
boy loses horse,

boy meets girl, boy
still wants horse.

- Story of my marriage.
- Hm?

My wife and I are always
having a little tiff over my horse.

She hasn't spoken
to me since last night.

You know, Wilbur, I
think I might have an idea

on how you two can patch it up.

Oh, how?

Well, you just leave
things to your new director.

New director.

Yeah. One thing we
specialize in our business,

and that's happy endings.

[grunts]

You know I don't go for any
gunplay in my saloon, Sheriff,

so I'd appreciate it if you'd
wait for Black Bart outside.

Oh, I'm so afraid that Tex is going
to be gunned down by Black Bart.

Carol...

do you really think
I look my part?

Perfect, Kay.

You know, you've got great legs.

I didn't win Addison
with my cooking.

But I still think you should
be playing the part, Carol.

Oh, no, I can't play
Wilbur's girlfriend.

How can I kiss a man when
I'm not speaking to him?

I've been doing it
for 20 years, sweetie.

Oh, Kay,

you know you and Roger
are crazy about each other.

Yeah, but that's the only thing
that's holding our marriage together.

[Clint Eastwood] Well.

Well.

Gee, you look terrific, Kay.

Thank you, Wilbur.

You look... You look very
beautiful in that outfit, Carol.

Thank you.

When do we start, Clint?

Right away, but we can't have
a Western without our killer.

Where's Black Bart
Addison? Isn't he dressed yet?

He was dressed hours ago.

When I left him, the killer was in
the garden spraying his apples.

Addison, we're ready!

[Addison] Coming, Kay.

I reckon I don't have to
tell you my name, Sheriff.

No. I hear you're the
fastest spray gun in town.

All right, I hope we haven't forgotten
anything from our last rehearsal.

Killer, I think you better wait in
the kitchen until you hear your cue.

- Cue?
- Cue.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Maybe I'll kill a roast beef
sandwich while I'm waiting.

All right, places, everyone.

[Eastwood] All right, curtain.

Howdy, Miss Flossie.

Oh, Tex, you promised me
you wouldn't come in here today.

You don't stand a
chance against Black Bart.

Don't worry, missy ma'am.

I can take care of him.

[Eastwood] Hold it.

What did we do, something wrong?

No, Kay, it's just

that you're not the
type to be playing

the Sheriff's girl.

I'm thinking of switching parts.

You mean you want
me to play Flossie?

Carol, why don't
you try Flossie's lines.

But... But... But I... I... I...

- Kay, you don't mind, do you?
- Of course not, sweetie.

- Carol,
come on just over here.
- But, Clint, I can't.

- No, you can stand
right over here.
- I can't do it.

No problem.

- You ready, Sheriff?
- Ready.

Okay, curtain.

Howdy, Miss Flossie.

Tex, you promised me
you wouldn't come in today.

You don't stand a
chance against Black Bart.

No.

No, Carol, you have
to stand closer to him.

Hold him. Hold him, that's it.

Forget you're married.
Pretend you love him.

Don't you worry about
me, missy ma'am.

I can take care of him.

Come on, Carol, next line.

But I love you so much.

Now you kiss him.

Come on, Carol.
Come on, kiss him.

Go ahead. Go ahead, kiss him.

If you'll excuse me,

I have to wipe out a gang
of bugs on my apples.

Here's your lunch, Sheriff.

Oh, thanks, Flossie.

Oh, honey, the
play went over great.

Everybody loved it,

and you were the
hit of the evening.

Oh, no, you were
the hit of the evening.

Oh, no, you were.

No, I don't want to sleep
on that couch again tonight.

You were the hit of the evening.

Well, I've got some work to do.

[Mister Ed laughing]

What are you laughing at?

I met Clint Eastwood's
filly last night.

I was the hit of the evening.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA