Mister Ed (1958–1966): Season 2, Episode 22 - Ed's New Neighbors - full transcript

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪



♪♪ [rock 'n' roll]

Love that twist.

Go, go, go, Ed. Go.

[music stops]

Aw, please, Wilbur.

My engine was just warming up.

Yeah, you look pretty good.

When did you
learn to do the twist?

Last week when we went
riding and a bee got into my tail.

Back in your stall, chubby.

Uh...

Uh-oh.

Have you been stealing apples
from Addison's tree again?

Well, there must be
some explanation for this.



Good. Let's hear
it so I can use it.

Don't you be funny.

It's no wonder Addison
doesn't like you.

You know how he feels
about his apple tree.

And you know how
I feel about him.

If he were drowning,
I'd throw him a shark.

Look, Addison happens
to be my best friend.

Why do you do things
to antagonize him?

- Wilbur.
- Yeah?

Wilbur, wait till you hear this.

It's almost too much to believe.

Oh, I'm too excited,
Addison. You tell him.

Well...

We got a telegram from
a lawyer in New York.

- You tell him, doll.
- The telegram said...

An uncle of mine left
us this beautiful mansion,

this big house in New
York, and it's just...

I'm too excited, Addison.

You tell him what the
rest of the telegram said.

"Signed J.T.
Farnsworth, Attorney."

Boy, this is exciting.

A real mansion in New York, huh?

It's called Hastings
on the Hudson.

Yes, sir, from now on,

it'll be Roger Addison,
country squire,

living on the banks
of the Hudson,

lord and master
of all he surveys.

Doll, there's no community
property in New York.

Technically, the
house is all mine.

It is?

Uh-huh.

What she's getting at, Rog,

she'd like the rent
on time every month.

- [laughing]
- Aw, gee,

I think it's wonderful
for both of you,

but Wilbur and I are really
going to miss you two.

We sure are.

You're our best
friends, you know.

In our hearts, you will
always be our neighbors.

When do you think
you'll be moving?

Well, first of all, we have
to sell our place here.

That's going to
take a little time.

Doll, you better put
an ad in the paper.

Yeah. I'll call right now.

Okay. And, Carol,
sweetie, will you help me

figure out the
things I've got to do?

My little head is just spinning.

Of course.

I'll be in as soon as
I finish this sketch.

And what can I say?
I'm so happy for you both.

Oh, Wilbur, you're a doll.
Come on, Carol, sweetie.

Oh, my dear, I have to throw
my whole wardrobe away.

You know, like heavy
Orbach's league.

Well, there go the Addisons.

[Mister Ed laughs]

When do we break open
the champagne? Ha ha.

You don't know Addison, Ed.

He's a wonderful guy.

Yeah, every time I bite
into one of his apples

and see a worm,
I'll think of him.

[laughing]

Oh, boy.

I'm certainly gonna
miss this old apple tree.

How long have you
had this tree, Rog?

Well, let me see. 16 years.

- [clicks tongue]
- 16 years ago I planted it,

and look how it's grown.

You know, it's almost
like a son to me.

Well, sap is thicker than water.

Yeah, boy, I've
nursed this fella

through windstorms,
drought, frost, rains.

Look at it. Grew into
a strong, healthy tree.

Careful. You'll
wake up the termites.

[Kay] Addison, there's a
man here about the house.

Coming, Kay. Hey, Wilbur,
you'd better come along.

This may be your new neighbor.

- It draws beautifully.
- [door opens]

I see.

- We've never had any trouble.
- [door closes]

- Uh, Mr. Douglas.
- Yeah?

- This is my husband.
- Oh. How are you, sir?

- How are you, Mr. Douglas?
- And this is our next-door
neighbor Wilbur Post.

[Mr. Douglas] How do you do?

I'll, uh, be frank with
you, Mr. Addison.

My wife and I have often driven
past and admired this house.

Uh, I told him how
much we want for it.

The price seems fair enough.

- Then we have a deal?
- Yes.

- Wonderful.
- Yeah.

My husband will be finished with that
letter of agreement in a few minutes.

Fine. Fine. No hurry.

Meanwhile, I'll fix
us a little snack.

- I'll give you a hand, Kay.
- Oh, no, sweetie.

You stay and get acquainted
with your new neighbor.

The reason I like this
neighborhood is because it's so quiet.

Yes, it's just like the country.

If not for TV, Wilbur and I
wouldn't know what to do evenings.

I hope you don't
play it too loudly.

No, no, no. Very low.

I'll be honest
with you, Mr. Post.

One of the reasons I'm selling my
house is because of a noisy neighbor.

I got tired of
calling the police.

I hope you don't have
any dogs or cats or parrots.

No. Just a horse.

He's very quiet.

Walks around the
barn in house slippers.

You don't take anything
seriously, do you, Mr. Post?

That's my husband. He's
always kidding around.

You'll get used to
his sense of humor.

I doubt it.

By the way, Mrs. Post, what
time do you turn on your sprinklers?

Why do you ask?

I come home at precisely 6:00,

and I don't like to risk
walking on slippery pavements.

Lawsuits can be very costly.

I've, uh, drawn up the letter
of agreement, Mr. Douglas.

- Oh, yes.
- Now, if you'll sign
right here, please.

Thank you.

Well, did you find you
have anything in common?

So far, just a wet sidewalk.

Uh, here, uh... Here's my
check as a deposit, Mr. Addison.

Thank you, and good day.

Oh, don't get up. I
can find my way out.

Pardon me.

- What's the matter, honey?
- Hmm?

Oh, I was just thinking
about our new neighbor.

We're not gonna have much
of a life after he moves in.

No music after 10:00.

Lights out at 10:15.
"Taps" at 10:30.

And if one of us should
accidentally snore,

we'll be arrested for
disturbing the peace.

But, honey, we can't stop
the Addisons from moving.

No. I guess we have to
be philosophical about this.

We're not losing a friend,
we're gaining a warden.

- I wonder what he does
for a living.
- Didn't Roger tell you?

He's an inspector for the
Internal Revenue Department.

Oh, great.

Now if we brag about our
furniture, our tax goes up.

- Hi, Ed.
- Hi, Wilbur.

What is that? Who ordered it?

I did. It's a farewell cake.

A farewell cake?

[Mister Ed] Yeah,
for old Addison.

"Thanks, from the
L.A. Smog Committee."

Oh. "Dear Mr. Addison,

your leaving solves the air
pollution problem in our town."

I don't think that's
very funny, Ed.

[laughing] It got a big
laugh from the baker.

Well, I don't wanna hear another
crack out of you about Mr. Addison.

- Is that clear?
- Okay.

I won't say another mean
word about that creep.

That's better.

You know how badly I
feel about Roger moving.

Sorry, Wilbur. I
promise to lay off him.

Hey, uh, I just
worked out a new trick.

I'm busy now, Ed.

Please, Wilbur.

Come over here
and pick out a card.

Okay.

What'll I do now?

Tear it in half.

Now tear it in quarters.

Now throw the
pieces up in the air.

- In the air?
- Yeah. Go ahead.

All right.

Ha-Happy New Year!

Old sourpuss is moving.

Holler, but don't hit.

[phone rings]

Hello.

Oh, hi, Kay.

Yes. Yeah. Bring him
on over to our house.

I'll be right in. All right.

Ed, the Douglases are dropping
by with their little boy to visit us.

How about sending the little
fella out here with me, Wilbur?

You know I get along
great with children.

It's a shame you never learned to love
Roger Addison the way you love kids.

I couldn't love that guy if
he shaved off his moustache

and began wearing rompers.

This is a very attractive
home, too, isn't it, dear?

Yes. Isn't it amazing
how nice a room can look

with inexpensive furniture?

Wilbur, I want you
to meet Mrs. Douglas.

- Mrs. Douglas.
- How do you do?

- And you know Mr. Douglas.
- Of course. Yes.

- Yes, that's right.
- [Kay] And this is Timmy.

Hello, Mr. Post.

Well, what a sweet little boy.

- Do you like horses, Timmy?
- Oh, yes, sir.

Look, if you'd like to go out in the
barn, you can play with Mister Ed.

- He's a wonderful horse.
- Thank you, sir.

My I get my toys
from the car, Father?

- Of course, son.
- Thank you, sir.

And you play very nicely
with that horse, Timmy.

Oh, I will, Mother dear.
I'll play very carefully.

Good boy. Run
along. Get your toys.

- Oh, he is polite.
- Yes.

Oh, my. Such a
well-mannered little man.

- You must be very proud of him.
- Oh, indeed we are.

Come on, Mrs. Douglas.
I want you to meet Carol.

You'll love her.

Fine. I'd like to.

[laughing] You're a dead horse.

I have a feeling I'm
not long for this world.

He's not long for
this world, either.

Want some sugar, horse?

There's a lot of sugar in here.

Look! [laughs]

Just wait till I try
this one on you.

Ah, brother.

I wonder how
Wilbur is making out

with the father of this
son of Frankenstein.

Mr. Douglas, won't
you be seated, please?

- Oh, thank you.
- Sure.

Oh. All right. Fine.

I understand you're an inspector

with the Bureau of
Internal Revenue.

That's right, Mr. Post.

It must be a very
interesting occupation.

Mr. Addison tells me you're
a very successful architect.

Successful?

Well, I mean, what is
successful, you know?

What can be success for
one man, on the other hand,

that's failure for
another, you know?

I mean, you take
my office out in back.

Why, I have never deducted
one penny for depreciation

that I couldn't back
up with receipts.

Really?

You don't believe me?

Well, I can prove it.

Now, last year, I
had that roof fixed.

Cost me $365 and 46 cents.

Mr. Post, I am not
here to examine you.

No, but someday my case
may come up before you, and I...

Right here, now, I have
all... All of the receipts.

Every... Every... Ooh.

- [mutters]
- [sighs]

This is all... all of
1960 in... in here.

I have '58 and '59...

Really, Mr. Post, I did not come
here to examine your books.

Well, you'll find that
I... I'm not a tax evader.

I mean, there are people who
deduct for gas and oil to and from work.

But you said your
office is right out in back.

I travel. I travel.

You see, right now, I'm
building a house in Arcadia.

That's... That's 32 miles.

I have a witness. Here.

You... You can
phone the witness.

- I have his telephone number.
- Really, Mr. Post,
I've got to be going.

- I'll go and get Timmy.
- No, no. I'll get him.

You stay right here.
I'll get Timmy for you.

Don't worry about a thing.

I'll get Timmy.

Oh, this is all '60.

As I said, I have
'61 begun back here.

I have back to
'53 in the drawer.

Very bad year... '53.

Hey, stop that!

Bless your little...

Now, Timmy, that is not a
nice way to play with Mister Ed.

How would you like
it if I told your father?

Go ahead and tell him.
He wouldn't believe you.

I'm a good boy.

Oh, where did that little
green man come from, Wilbur?

Have we been invaded from Mars?

Ed, cheer up.
He's just a little kid.

Maybe he'll outgrow it.

But will I outlive it?

Wilbur, we can't let that
baby-face killer move in next door.

Now, Ed, I know
the little kid is bad,

but don't worry about it.

The father is much worse.

Carol and I are sick about it,
but there's nothing we can do.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What
about good old Addison?

Maybe we can get good old
Addison to stay here, huh?

What do you think?

- Thought you didn't like him.
- Oh, I love him.

I love him, Wilbur.

How can I show good old
Addison I love him, huh?

Forget it, Ed. It's too late.

Ohh, brother.

Ed, what are you doing?

I'm washing Addison's windows.

Is he watching? I
love him. I love him.

Addison took Kay down to the
bank to sign the escrow papers.

I told you, Ed. You're too late.

You may as well go back
to the barn and just relax.

[car approaching]

Hey, maybe that's
good old Addison now.

I just gotta win him over.

I told you, you're
wasting your time, Ed.

[humming]

Wilbur, what in the
world are you doing?

Oh, just cleaning
things up for you.

Well, say, that's
very nice of you.

Well, the papers
are in escrow, Wilbur.

Another 90 days, and I'm off
to my castle on the Hudson.

Yeah.

Hey, what's with Mister Ed?

- Take it, Rog.
- What?

- Take the rose.
- Me?

Yeah. That's Ed's
way of showing you

he hates to see you go.

- Really?
- Oh, Ed. Good boy.

Well, hey, what do you know?

Gee, I always
thought he hated me.

- I've seen everything now.
- You can finish it up. I'm tired.

Oh, Wilbur, don't forget to bring Carol
over tonight for our regular gin game.

- You know, we're not going
to be together much longer.
- Hey, that's right.

Tonight, let's make the
game a little bit different, huh?

- How?
- Let's not play
with your marked cards.

Come on, Ed.

Well, I'm sure going to miss
these nice sociable evenings.

I know we've said this before,

but I'll say it again.

We certainly will miss you two.

We feel the same way.

Well, let's play, shall we?

Let's break up the game for a
few minutes and all have a good cry.

That's the way I feel.

- I'm ready.
- Me, too.

What's the use of
kidding ourselves, Kay?

My heart is not in moving away.

Oh, doll, I was
hoping you'd say that.

We can sell that white
elephant in New York

and make a nice little
bundle on the deal.

- That's right.
- And living in California,

half that money is legally mine.

- [laughter]
- Rog, this is great.

But what about
this fella Douglas?

I'll take care of
that right now.

The papers are still in escrow.

- [dialing]
- I'll just return his check,

and we'll be right
back where we started.

Hello, Mr. Douglas?
Roger Addison.

Oh, I'm glad you
called, Mr. Addison.

I'd like to drop by
tomorrow with my contractor.

Well, he wants to
measure the yard.

I'm having it cemented.

That's right. All of it.

You're removing my apple tree?

Well, I certainly do mind.

As a matter of fact, Mr. Douglas,
I called you to tell you

I've changed my mind
about selling my house.

I know. A deal is a deal.

- Yes, I know legally
you can hold me, but...
- [click]

He's not chopping down my tree.

I'll call my lawyer in the morning
and cancel the whole deal.

But, doll, we've got his check.

The house is his if he wants it.

Maybe he won't want it.

- What do you mean?
- What are you talking about?

Carol, we are going to invite the
Douglases for dinner tomorrow night.

[doorbell rings]

- Ah, come in!
- Ah, thank you.

You look wonderful! How
beautiful, Mrs. Douglas!

- Thank you, Mr. Post.
- Come in, Mr. Douglas.

Thank you.

Well, it was nice of you to
ask us for dinner, Mr. Post.

[laughs]

Uh, don't mention
it, Doug, old boy!

[grunts]

Oh, my dear, you look ravishing.

[growling]

[chuckles] Won't you sit down?

Uh, y-yes.

Oh, that dress, Mrs. Douglas.

You're being positively unfair.

Please, Doug, come on.
Sit down. Join the party.

Yeah, well, uh,
I, uh... Allow me.

Sit down, Doug. Sit down.

Uh, thank you.

I'll get my wife.

Carol, baby!

[Carol] Ahh, shut up!

She's a little upset tonight.

Oh? Is something wrong?

Nah. She just burned the dinner.

Burned the... I hope
you two like hot dogs.

Ho... Hot do... Oh, no.

You see, I'm afraid my
husband can't eat hot dogs.

Oh, no. They're
much too spicy for him.

You see, he has
a queasy stomach.

That's okay. These
are queasy hot dogs.

Hey, I hear my square neighbor

just phoned you last night, huh?

Trying to weasel
out of the deal.

Yes, but I intend
to go through with it.

I gave the man my
check as a deposit,

and I expect him to keep
his part of the bargain.

Look, uh, Mrs. Douglas...

Listen to that...
"Mrs. Douglas."

How formal can you
get, huh? [chuckling]

What's your first name, honey?

- Hortense.
- Hortense.

That name is music.

Horty, you, uh, do
much sunbathing?

Sunbathing? Oh,
well, I... I'm afraid

we don't get to the
beach very often.

Aah, we don't, either. We just
kind of lie around the backyard.

Uh, you got a bikini?

I don't allow my wife to
parade her body in public.

Oh, I agree with you.

With a shape like hers,

that isn't a parade,
that's a procession.

[clears throat]

Hey, uh, Doug.

How about a little snort
before dinner, huh?

Get us loose
and the girls tight.

We never indulge in
alcoholic beverages.

That's all right. I don't
think we have any left.

Hey, let's get a little
life in the party, huh?

♪♪ [rock 'n' roll]

Hey, hey, hey.

[chuckles]

Keep punching, buddy boy.

I got all my feet crossed.

Ba-by!

Hey, hey, hey.

Man, this is the
craziest. Bop that beat.

Come on, Daddy. We're
gonna twist up a storm.

I can't stand this.

You're right, daddy-o.
It is kind of draggy.

I dig you, Doug. Let's
make our own music, pops.

Crazy.

There's nothing like my baby's
music to get these feet going.

[bagpipes howl]

Please, Mr. Post.

Please!

Any requests, friend?

The only request I have is
for you to tell Mr. Addison

that I'm tearing up
the escrow papers

and stopping
payment on my check.

Oh, what's hurry? Don't you
want some crazy black hot dogs?

[laughs]

You did it. You did it.

Wilbur, you were
wonderful. Even I hated you.

Twist anybody?

Music, maestro.

[bagpipes wheeze]

Oh, no.

I think I'm going to move.

Well, do you feel any better now the
mean little kid won't be living next door?

I sure do.

I was all set to take out
a life insurance policy.

Then you'll be happy with
the same old neighbors, huh?

Yes, sir. I'll take good
old Addison any day.

He's not so bad.

Wilbur, that mangy
old plug of yours

has been swiping
my apples again.

He has?

If he comes into
my yard once more,

your friends will be
sending you sympathy cards.

Good old Addison.
Good old Addison.

I'll keep saying
it till I believe it.

Good old Addison.

Good old Addison.
Good old Addison.

Once more.

Uh, good old Addison.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a
Filmways television presentation.