Mister Ed (1958–1966): Season 2, Episode 15 - Zsa Zsa - full transcript

There's a noisy new neighbor in the 'hood, and her name is Zsa Zsa.

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪



♪ A pretty little filly
with a ponytail ♪

[clears throat]

And now my latest hit,

"When You Galloped
Out Of My Life,

You Left Hoofprints
On My Heart."

[clears throat]

♪ Well... ♪

Ed, how many
times have I told you

to stop fooling around
with my tape recorder?

One of these days, somebody's
going to catch you talking,

and your secret will be out.

No, it won't.

I'll just tell them I
swallowed a parrot.

Will you stop making
those awful wise cracks?



Why are you so grouchy today?

I'm sorry, Ed.

I'm just in a bad mood.

I haven't slept
for three nights.

It's that new neighbor
who moved in behind us.

Boy, the noise. It's a
wonder you haven't heard it.

No, I haven't, but
you know me...

I sleep like a horse.

Oh, boy. Well, it's been
going on for three nights now.

Television set blaring
away, hi-fi going.

[yawns]

Some people have no
consideration for others, you know.

Boy, I'm beat.

I think I'll take
a little snooze.

Maybe I'll hit the hay myself.

Whoops, I forgot. I ate it.

[phone rings]

I'll get it.

Thanks.

Hello?

Oh, hi, honey.

Yeah, I was just
going to rest a while.

All right, I'll be right in.

There goes my nap.

Soon as I get comfortable,

my wife finds
something for me to do.

That's why you'll never see
a horse with a wedding ring.

Carol, did you want me?

Oh, Wilbur, I got the
most wonderful idea

from The Decorator's
Journal on how to rearrange

all the furniture
in our living room.

Oh, my aching back.

Honey, would you please
move that couch over here

so it'll face the fireplace?

Carol, Carol, please...

Look, I haven't slept for
three nights. I am worn out.

Well, if you don't want
to help me, just say so.

Okay, I don't want to help you.

Oh, just a minute. You're
not getting out of it that fast.

Honey, it'll only take a minute.

Okay.

Never see a horse
wearing a wedding ring.

Hmm?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Carol?

Hi, Paul.

Hi, sweetie pie, how are you?

Where's Wilbur? Is
he out in his office?

What?

Oh, isn't that interesting?

She's using Wilbur for a doily.

It's very original, but I don't
think he matches the drapes.

Wilbur.

I think he matches the rug
much better, don't you, sis?

Yes, but he clashes
with the wallpaper.

Oh.

Oh, I must have dozed off there.

It's those noisy
neighbors we have.

I haven't slept
for three nights.

Neither has anybody
else in this neighborhood.

I came down here to spend a
quiet weekend with my sister,

and it's like living
in a penny arcade.

I'll help you, Carol.

Wilbur, I've drawn up this petition
so we can do something about it.

- Here, sign it.
- All right.

At the bottom.

At the bottom. Yeah.

This is a pleasure, you know.
Boy, they have some nerve.

We... Oh, you've got
more signatures here

than there are people
in the neighborhood.

Some of the people are
so mad, they signed it twice.

Smart idea.

If there's anything
I can't stand,

it's neighbors who
are thoughtless.

Neither can I, so
give me back my pen.

Sorry. I'm so sleepy, I
don't know what I'm doing.

On account of those neighbors,

I haven't done a
bit of work all day.

Boy, I'd like to tell them off.

Give me that petition.

I am going to deliver
this personally right now.

That's the old pepper in there.

Now, Wilbur, don't
do anything rash.

I should have done
this after the first night.

You know, you can only push
me so far, and then watch out.

Somebody should
go along with him.

He might get into a fight.

Hey, that's a great idea.

I'll do the dishes while
you're gone, you tiger you.

Oh, come, Paul.
You're such a fool.

Go on, brother dear. Go on.

Wilbur... Don't
lose your temper.

After all, we hardly know
anything about these people.

- We know they're noisy.
- Oh.

I don't know why you're
backing down so suddenly.

This whole petition
was your idea.

Yes, but it was your idea

to deliver the
petition in person.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't we just slip it
under the door and run?

If you're scared, get behind me.

Scared? Who, me? Oh.

[rings doorbell]

Yes?

How do you do?

I represent a committee for...

We have... It's a
committee... We have a...

Aren't you Zsa Zsa Gabor?

Yes. Why?

Oh, allow me to
introduce myself.

I'm Paul Fenton, a
neighbor of yours.

How do you do?

- And I'm Wilbur Post,
also a neighbor.
- Hello.

As a matter of fact,

our backyards touch each other.

How romantic.

You said you are from
some kind of a committee?

Yes, it's a welcoming committee.

Oh, this is just
an informal visit.

The cake and
champagne will come later.

That's very sweet of you boys.

Wouldn't you come in, please?

Yes.

We can only stay an hour or two.

This paper, is that for me?

Yes. No!

Oh, no. This is a
little speech we wrote,

but after seeing you,

what is there to say but
welcome to the neighborhood?

How sweet you are both. Really.

When I rented this house,

I didn't know it's going
to be such a mishmash.

And with my maid
gone for a week,

I really don't know what I would
have done without you boys.

Oh, we'd have been here sooner
if we'd known your predicament.

Where do you want this, Zsa Zsa?

Well, darling,
why don't you put it

right over there
to the fireplace?

Okay.

I'm so lucky to have
such wonderful neighbors.

Oh, Zsas, one human
being helping another.

That's real togetherness.

That's right.

Darling, you missed
that corner over there.

- Where?
- Right there.

Oh. Oh, I could kill myself.

Are you sure you
want it this way?

Kay, I'm worried.

They've been gone over an hour.

Something must have happened.

Oh, what could have happened?

There could have been a fight.

Not with Paul along. He's
all mouth and no hands.

Wilbur was very
angry when he left here.

I think I'll go over and see
what's happened. Coming?

All right, but I'd better get
some smelling salts first.

Smelling salts?

Yeah. If there was any trouble,
my brother's in a dead faint.

Come on, dear,
let's go. Quickly.

Kay, you're priceless.

Where do you want this, Zsas?

Is that too heavy to take
it upstairs in my bedroom?

No. You say the word,
I'll have it up on the roof.

Be careful, darling. Careful.

Matter of balance, you know.

Careful, darling.

Now that we're on the
stairs, why, we're all right.

Oh, oh.

- [loud crash]
- [doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Paul Fenton, what are you doing?

I was just mopping the floor.

[Zsa Zsa] Paul! Darling!

Paul darling?

Hello.

Oh, Zsas... I mean Zsa Zsa...

I mean Miss Gabor...

This is my, uh... My, uh...

My, uh... Sister, remember?

Oh, yes. My sister Kay.

Hello.

Zsa Zsa Gabor. What a surprise.

So you're our new neighbor.

Only temporarily. I took
this place for a month or two.

I got it.

I got it, Zsas.

Hi, Carol.

Carol.

Willy, Willy, darling,
are you hurt?

No, no, I'm all right, Zsas.

I mean, Zsa Zsa.

I mean... Try noisy neighbor.

Miss Gabor, I'd like you
to meet my wife Carol.

How do you do?

Carol, this is Miss Gabor.

And I'd like you to
meet Paul's sister Kay.

Kay, this is Miss Gabor.

You've met Paul.

- Yes, of course.
- Paul is Kay's brother.

And you met Carol.

Yes, thank you. Several times.

I think it's a wonderful idea,
this welcoming committee.

Welcoming committee?

Yes.

[phone rings]

Excuse me, I'll be back.

She's kidding.

Hello?

Zsa Zsa, this is Jack Brady.

Have you changed your mind, sweetheart,
about doing that movie for my company?

No, no, no.

Not if I have to ride a horse.

You know I'm deadly
afraid of horses.

Look, I'll ride
anything. I'll ride a train,

a hot rod, a yacht, a boat.

I only ride things with
a motor inside of it.

Goodbye.

That silly man. I
keep on telling him

I don't want to make
his horse picture.

I'm not a cowgirl.
I'm Zsa Zsa Gabor.

I'm not Wild Bill Buffalo.

That's too bad.

You know, if you
had your own horse,

you'd grow to love them.
They're great animals.

I used to feel the
very same way you do,

until we got our Mister Ed.

He's smarter than most men.

Who cares about smart horses?

I feel much safer
on a stupid yacht.

Oh, I don't want to sound
personal, Miss Gabor,

but won't you be
losing a lot of money

by turning down this picture?

Yes, but what else can I do?

Look, why don't you drop by
the house and meet our horse?

I'd like to show you how gentle
and friendly these animals can be.

Thank you very
much, but I don't want

to put you both through
too much trouble.

Oh, no. No trouble at all.

I mean, after all, what are
welcoming committees for?

Hi, Ed.

Hi.

I'm going to spruce
you up a little.

Zsa Zsa Gabor is
coming over to see you.

Who's he?

It's not a he, it's a she.

With a capital she.

Miss Gabor is one of the most
glamorous stars in Hollywood.

Pretty legs?

Uh-huh.

How many?

Two.

Not interested.

Ed, I want you to be

on your best behavior today.

See, Miss Gabor is
deathly afraid of horses,

so I want you to
be real friendly.

Okay, the minute she
walks in, I'll jump in her arms.

[Carol] Wilbur,
Miss Gabor is here.

Tell her to come right in, dear.

Look, I want you
to be extra-nice.

Don't do anything that
might make her nervous.

- Oh.
- Hold still.

[grumbles]

Right in here, Miss Gabor.

That's Mister
Ed, right in there.

[crunches]

Hi, Miss Gabor.

So this is Mister Ed.

Yeah. Won't you
come and meet him?

No, thank you.
If you don't mind,

I'll just stay here
and wave at him.

Hello. Hello, horse.

Is he a natural blond?

Well, all palominos are.

Goodness gracious.

Most women spend a
fortune at beauty shops

to get what he's born with.

May I take your coat?

- One minute, please.
- Oh, yes.

Don't be afraid of him.

No, I'll try not to be.

Thank you.

Oh, my, what a beautiful mink.

I'd better take it inside and
hang it before it gets dirty.

Be right back.

Thank you very much.

- Ah, there you are.
- Thank you.

Now, the first thing is to let a
horse know that you like him.

Won't you come
a little bit closer?

Thank you.

Don't be afraid, Miss
Gabor. He's all right.

Look at those great
big brown eyes, huh?

Are you sure he's
not going to bite me?

Oh, no, you'll never see
a gentler horse than Ed.

You know, he reminds me
very much of Prince Bandini.

He has the same type of nose,

except the Prince has a bump.

[nickers]

Ah! He growled at me.

No, no. That's just
Ed's way of saying hello.

Watch how smart he is.

Ed, bow for the lady.

Bravo. He has wonderful manners.

You know, I don't seem
to be so afraid of him.

Willy, I would like
to ask you a favor.

You know it would mean a great
deal to me if I could do that picture.

Well, what can I do for you?

Do you think it
would be possible

for me to come over
here a couple of afternoons

and sit on the horse, so
I get accustomed to him?

Oh, of course.

And to make sure
he's nice and soft,

before you get here,
I'll stuff him with hay.

Now, don't make too
much noise, anybody.

I don't want Mister
Ed to be nervous

on his first day with me.

Come on, boys. Bring
the ladder, please.

Helen, you hold his back end,

And, Marie, you
hold his front end.

Thank you.

Now, Mister Ed,
please behave yourself.

Just hold him
quietly on both ends.

Oh.

Look, everybody.
I'm sitting on a horse.

Thank you, thank you.

It's so nice up here.

Now come on, kids. What
are we waiting for? Come on.

Eddie, that's my good,
beautiful blond horse.

That's a good, beautiful horse.

There, my dear.

Thank you, dear. Now
give one for Mister Eddie.

Well, now, what was the letter

I want to dictate to
you this morning?

Oh, yes. It went to the
Tiffany's Jewelers in New York.

Gentlemen darlings,

last month, an
acquaintance of mine

sent me a beautiful
pair of diamond earrings

for my birthday from your shop.

I would very much appreciate

if you would make up
a matching necklace

for my next birthday...

Which will be, incidentally,
in about two weeks.

[phone rings]

Hello?

One moment, please.

A transatlantic call from
the Duke of Morovia.

Oh, the Duke.

Tell him to call me
back when he's a king.

Marie, darling, the
perfume, please.

There. Thank you.

I'm going to give a little
perfume to Mister Ed.

Look at him. He's smiling.

He likes it.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Mr. Post?

This is Jack Brady
at Brady Productions.

I want to thank you for all
the help you've given Zsa Zsa.

She's really fallen in love
with that horse of yours.

Oh, I was sure she would.

Well, no, no, I don't mind
Zsa Zsa riding Ed in the picture.

What?

You're shooting the
picture in Australia?

That's right. We'll be
gone for at least six months.

Now, I'm willing to pay you
$5,000 for that horse of yours.

Well, no, Mr. Brady.
I couldn't do that.

I couldn't sell Ed.

Look, we're sailing
tomorrow at 4:00,

and I've already promised
Zsa Zsa we'd buy him.

$5,000. Please, think it over.

Please.

All right, but I won't
change my mind.

Ed is not for sale.

Goodbye.

$5,000 is a lot of money.

I can't let him turn it down.

How do you like that, Paul?

Zsa Zsa's producer
wanted to buy Ed.

Of course, I turned him down.

Naturally. How
much did he offer?

$5,000.

$5,000? And you turned him down?

Ed's like one of the family.

Well, so is Addison,

but for $5,000, I'd
send him to Australia.

Wilbur, don't be a fool.

You call up that producer
and grab that money

before he sobers up.

I couldn't do that to Ed.

Will, what's the
matter with you?

Think of your wife.

For $5,000, you could buy her

that mink coat she's
been talking about.

I know Carol wants a mink coat,

and I'm going to get her one.

On my own.

And in time.

And on time.

I'll get her one
when I can afford it.

By that time, you can
get her a silver gray one,

to match her hair.

Ed, what are you doing?

Packing my gear and extra shoes.

- I'm leaving.
- Where you going?

Well, Zsa Zsa wants me
to go to Australia with her.

Zsa... To Australia?

Well, Ed, do you want to go...

I mean, and leave me?

If I don't hitch my
wagon to a star,

somebody hitches a wagon to me.

Well, if that's the
way you feel about it...

That's the way I feel.

Well, Ed, then I
guess this is goodbye.

But you'll be seeing
me soon, Wilbur...

On that big screen
in glorious color.

Well, Ed, let me help you.

Honey?

Mr. Brady's check just came in.

Special delivery.

Swell, swell.

We'll look at some
mink coats tonight.

You really miss
Mister Ed, don't you?

I suppose I'll miss him
the first couple of days.

Honey, why didn't you ask
me before you sold Mister Ed?

I knew how much you
wanted a mink coat.

A mink coat doesn't
mean that much to me,

not as much as losing
Mister Ed means to you.

I'm going to send
this check right back.

Carol, it's too late.

No, it's not.

It's an hour before
the boat sails.

Honey, you're being
very sweet, but...

It's hard to explain,
but I have the feeling

that Ed really wanted to go.

Honey.

Oh, I sure miss you, Ed.

Well, at least I can
still listen to your voice.

Nobody sang "Pretty
Little Filly" the way you did.

[Mister Ed] Hi, Wilbur.

By the time you hear this,

I'll be on my way to Australia.

I didn't really want to
leave you, buddy boy,

but $5,000 is a lot of money,
and I know you can use it.

[sniffles] I hope Carol
likes the mink coat.

I'll never forget you.

Your old stablemate, Ed.

[ship's horn blows]

Miss Gabor, we can't possibly
put this horse in a stateroom.

Please, this is not a
horse. This is my co-star.

Zsa Zsa, it's regulations.

All livestock has
to travel in the hold.

Not my Mister Eddie.

I won't let them treat
you like an animal.

If he travels in the
hold, I travel in the hold,

and I refuse to
travel in the hold.

Miss Gabor, please
be reasonable.

I am being reasonable.

Look, I'm not asking you

to put him up at
the captain's table.

All I want him to have
a comfortable cabin

so he can live like
a human being.

Forgetting rules, Miss Gabor,

we don't have any
accommodations.

Then he's going to
sleep with Mr. Brady.

Now, just a minute, Zsa Zsa.

Mr. Brady, here's your check.

I'm taking Ed back.

What are you talking
about? We made a deal.

Well, I've changed my mind.

You see, I thought my
wife wanted a mink coat,

but she'd rather have Ed.

Listen, I've got a fortune
sunk in this picture.

Zsa Zsa says she won't
make it without your horse.

If you pull him out now, I'll sue you for
every penny you've got, I promise you.

Who says I won't make the
picture without this horse?

You said it.

Oh, if you listen to
me, you'll go crazy.

I can ride any
horse in Australia,

and if it has to be,
I'll ride a kangaroo.

Goodbye, Mr. Wilbur,

and goodbye, my
sweet, darling Mr. Ed.

I have a secret for you.

You are much
sweeter than my prince.

It isn't difficult, either.

- Goodbye, Miss Gabor. Bon voyage.
- Goodbye.

Merci.

Come on, Jack. Let us go.

Come on, Ed.

Well, you really cured
her fear of horses.

Yeah, and she cured
my fear of Hungarians.

Come on home, Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

Miss Gabor's clothes by
Maxwell Shieff of Beverly Hills.

[Man] This has been a
Filmways television presentation.