Mister Ed (1958–1966): Season 1, Episode 23 - The Other Woman - full transcript
Circumstantial evidence leads Carol to suspect that Wilbur is seeing another woman.
Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪
♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪
♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪
♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪
♪ He'll give you the answer ♪
♪ That you'll endorse ♪
♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪
♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪
Could you take
pictures of both children
at the same time?
Sure. My horse
Bernadine don't mind.
She can carry the whole family,
and you can climb on, too, lady.
Me? Oh.
Gee, you're lazy.
Come on, Ed, let's go.
Backseat driver.
Stop kidding around.
Who's kidding? My
bunions are killing me.
I never met such a goldbrick.
Remember, it was your
idea to come to the park.
I thought I was
going to a picnic,
not a steeplechase.
You are just lazy.
Look at that horse over there,
working for a living.
I'll have your picture ready
in a couple minutes, lady.
Thank you. Can we
all stay on the horse?
Sure. Bernadine don't care.
She's got a strong back.
Strong back?
That poor, old horse is
ready for Social Security.
She looks okay to me.
Please. She's due right now
for the rocking
chair and the shawl.
Come on, Ed.
Your picture taken?
No, thank you, no.
It's a nice-looking
horse you got there.
How old is she?
Bernadine's 18.
- How old is yours?
- Seven.
Although he acts like he's ready
for the rocking
chair and the shawl.
Yeah, he does look lazy.
Hmm. Only time he
moves is to lie down.
How would you like to buy him?
He's for sale.
No, thanks.
Bernadine's got a lot
of good years left in her.
Why, I work her
seven days a week,
12, 14 hours a day,
and she never complains.
Well, if you should
change your mind,
my name is Post, and
I live on Valley Road.
Huh, funny-looking kids.
Hey, lady, they came out great,
beautiful children.
Wilbur, so you're
going to sell me, huh?
Well, you don't scare me a bit.
No? Your four knees
were shaking like castanets.
That man's horse
works 14 hours a day,
and she never complains.
How can she? She can't talk.
Ed, some day you're
going to find out
that you can't enjoy
life unless you work.
I've been pretty happy so far.
Making Bernadine
work 14 hours a day.
There ought to be
a horse labor law.
Come on, Ed. Let's go home.
Yeah, I've just
got to talk to you.
Why, of course, sweetie.
Are you and Wilbur coming
with us to the movie tonight?
I don't know.
Wilbur hasn't come
back from the park yet.
He spends so much
time with that horse.
Sometimes I...
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
know Roger was napping.
Oh, you can talk.
He's fast asleep.
Watch.
Doll, I'm going shopping.
I'm going to spend
all your money.
Now, if that didn't
wake him, nothing will.
He looks so
comfortable like that.
Oh, he is.
He always sleeps with
his hand on his wallet.
When do you expect Wilbur back?
That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
When Wilbur's with that horse,
I never know when
he's coming home.
Hmm. He certainly
spends a lot of time
with that animal.
Tell me, sweetie,
when you got married,
who signed the license,
you or the horse?
Sometimes I think I'd get
more attention from Wilbur
if I grew a tail.
Let me give you a tip on
how to handle your husband.
It's worked with mine for years.
Now, you see? It's just...
Make sure that his
wallet's on the outside.
I don't know why I
bought you this saddle,
you loafer.
I should have got you
a sleeping bag instead.
That poor, old horse Bernadine.
He works her seven days a week.
That's all you have talked about
since we came home.
She's 18 years old.
If Bernadine was
human, she would be 126.
Ed, that is enough.
Would you let a
126-year-old woman
carry kids on her back?
If she enjoyed it, yes.
A great humanitarian,
you are not.
Look, Ed, Bernadine
is not my horse,
so what do you want me to do?
Let her come live with us.
What's another mouth to feed?
Don't press your luck, Ed.
I have enough trouble
with Carol, just keeping you.
Will you send me out
to work when I'm 126?
Oh, stop being so dramatic.
I can see the inscription
on my tombstone...
"Here lies Ed... dead."
Look, I don't want
to hear another word
about that horse.
Wilbur, I hate to interfere
in other people's lives,
but if you're wise,
you'll take a
little friendly tip.
- What is it?
- Sell your horse.
Sell Ed? Why?
Either that or sell your wife,
and with the cold
weather approaching,
I would say Carol
is a better bet.
Has Carol been
complaining about Ed again?
She certainly has.
You know, you're spending
too much time with him.
My boy, take a
little friendly tip.
Spend more time
with the little woman,
and it might not be a bad idea
to bring her some flowers tonight.
- Flowers?
- Mm-hmm.
That's a good idea,
but I wish Carol had
told me how she felt.
The time to start worrying
is when they stop talking.
You're right.
I remember, now.
Carol didn't say a word
just before I proposed to her.
She sat there staring at me,
so to make small talk,
I said, "How about
getting married?"
Wilbur, I'll never understand
why you spend so much
time with that stupid animal.
You shouldn't have said
that. You hurt his feelings.
What?
Animals can tell how
you feel about them
by the tone of your voice.
They can?
Trouble-maker!
You're very juvenile.
What about that
poor, old Bernadine?
That is enough.
Aw.
Haven't you got a heart?
All right.
126-years-old and still working.
Ed, I'm warning you.
You better watch it.
How can I, through that door?
You heard what Addison said.
I'm paying too
much attention to you
and not enough to Carol.
That's going to lead to trouble,
and trouble is the last thing
I want around my house.
I'm going out to buy
Carol some flowers now,
and I don't want to hear
another word out of you.
Now, about that Bernadine.
I wonder where Wilbur went.
I'm afraid we're going
to be late for the movie.
He's probably out for
a stroll with Mister Ed.
I wouldn't be surprised if
he and that horse eloped.
Oh, I'd hate to miss the
opening of the picture.
You never know
what's going on anyway.
And what sort of a
nasty crack is that?
My dear, at the movie,
you're either
gabbing, buying candy,
or looking for your shoe.
Oh, what a lucky girl I was
to have married the perfect man.
No. No, my dear,
you were not lucky.
You were blessed.
Didn't Wilbur tell you
where he was going?
He knows that... Excuse me.
Wilbur.
Telegram, ma'am.
Are you Mrs.
Pootz... Putz... Post?
Wilbur, this is no
time for games.
Congratulations on your
anniversary, Mrs. Post.
What anniversary?
You've been married
exactly three years,
eight months, six days,
11 hours, and 12 minutes.
I never get flowers.
Darling, you're right.
Tomorrow morning, I'm going
to turn you loose in the garden
with a pair of shears.
Thanks, doll.
Oh, thank you, honey.
You know, for a while there,
I was beginning to think you
preferred your horse to me.
Are you kidding?
Ed may have more legs than you,
but in nylons he's nothing.
Well, now that we've had
a belly-full of this mush,
shall we get on to the movie?
Right.
I'll get it. I'll cut
it short, honey.
I'll get the car.
Hello.
How can you sit at the movie
while Bernadine
stands on fallen arches?
Look, I told you I
refuse to discuss it.
I'll... I'll be right out.
I'll... I'll phone
you from my office.
Be right back, honey.
Who was that on the phone, dear?
Jerry Williams. He wants
to discuss a business deal.
It's kind of confidential,
so I'm going to phone
him from my office.
All right.
Oh, honey, don't stand
too close to the roses.
Why not?
Next to you, they
look like weeds.
Oh, isn't Wilbur wonderful?
Flowers, compliments,
kissing my hand.
If my husband acted that way,
I would have him followed.
Oh, I don't have to
worry about my Wilbur.
He's like the geyser
in Yellowstone Park...
Old Faithful.
So young.
Ed, you are acting like a child.
Now, I don't want to hear
another word about Bernadine.
But why can't she live with us?
Two can live as cheap as one.
Not when they
both eat like horses.
Okay, then I won't eat.
Give her my food.
Now where's Wilbur?
By the time we
get to that movie,
it'll be on TV.
Relax, doll. The prices
changed hours ago.
I'm sorry, Roger. Wilbur
had a call from Jerry Williams.
Jerry Williams?
He left for Europe yesterday.
Well, sweetie, he could
have called from the boat.
That would be a good
trick since he took a plane.
A plane?
Yeah. Oh, no, no, it
must be somebody else.
I'd better turn off the motor.
Why would Wilbur say Jerry
Williams called if he didn't?
That's a good question.
Kissing my hand,
bringing me flowers,
full of complements.
Why is he doing
all this suddenly?
Oh, well, darling, it
could be any reason.
Your husband loves you,
and he wants you to be happy.
Or he has a guilty conscience.
Your reason will
sound better in court.
Ed, they're waiting for me.
Poor Bernadine is 130 years old.
You said she was 126.
Well, you know how
women lie about their ages.
Look, I have just
made up with Carol,
and I don't intend to
start any more arguments.
Now, go to sleep.
I won't sleep. Will you?
I don't want to hear
another word about this.
It's over. It's
settled. It's finished.
It's... Final.
Final!
About Bernadine...
Go eat your hay.
Smarty-pants.
Ah, let's go. Coming, princess?
Wilbur, who did you
say called you before?
Huh? Oh, Jerry Williams.
That Jerry Williams,
never stops working.
Here it is, 8:00, and
he's still talking business.
Several days ago we started
on an expedition to the movies.
What happened?
Have I lost the safari?
Sorry, Roger.
Come on, girls, let's go.
Don't be suspicious, dear.
Whatever you
think Wilbur's up to,
we are probably mistaken.
I just hope Old Faithful
isn't blowing off steam
for somebody else.
Boy, that movie
really put me to sleep.
Wilbur.
Huh?
Do you like my hair this way?
Huh?
Oh, yeah, like it
right where it is,
top of your head.
Goodnight.
Would you like me better
if I changed the color?
Huh?
How about if I dyed it red...
or... or black...
or do you like platinum better?
Honey, I'd like you
if you were bald.
Don't you care how I look?
Honey, you can be red one day
and brunette the next.
I don't care.
I like girls with
convertible tops.
- Wilbur.
- Hmm?
Do you love me?
Of course.
- Say it.
- Huh?
Say it.
Oh... Night.
Is it so hard for you
to say, "I love you"?
I love ya.
I can't sleep.
Then take a pill.
I don't want a pill.
Would you mind getting me one?
Something seems to
be keeping me awake.
Wilbur...
is there anything you
think I should know?
Wilbur, there's something
we must discuss.
I know you weren't talking
to Jerry Williams tonight,
and if there's some
other woman in your life,
please tell me.
Oh...
No... No... No, Bernadine.
No, Bernadine.
No... I can't support two.
No... Carol would
never let me have
another around the house.
I can't...
Bernadine.
Bernadine.
Bernadine who?
Bernadine.
Bernadine who?
Bernadine who?
Bernadine who?
Ready for breakfast, dear.
What's for breakfast, honey?
Your favorite.
Black toast?
Burnt eggs?
Charred bacon?
Where did you get
this, at a fire sale?
Maybe you should have
married a better cook.
Didn't you sleep
well last night, dear?
No, but you did...
with a big smile on your face.
Hi, Kay.
Good morning, Wilbur.
Kay, I wouldn't
go in the kitchen.
You're liable to be
hit with a frying pan.
She is in a bad mood today.
I wonder why.
Kay, would you do me a favor...
Find out what's bothering her?
You mean, you have no idea?
Hmm?
Oh, yeah, we talked
about it last night.
She made it very plain.
Well, what are you
going to do about it?
Hmm? Nothing.
She wants red hair,
it's okay with me.
Excuse me, I'm going to feed Ed.
Now, who's Bernadine?
I thought you were Wilbur.
Bernadine who?
I don't know.
Wilbur talked about
her in his sleep last night.
Oh, poor, little doll.
Kay, I'm going to
have it out with him.
Oh, no, sweetie, that would
be the worst thing you could do.
Well, what do you expect
me to do, keep quiet?
Look, darling, once
you tell him you know,
it could be the finish.
Just be patient.
Oh, don't eat that, Kay.
I burned it on purpose.
Mmm, tastes fine to me.
This is how Addison
always cooks my breakfast.
Oh, Kay, what am I going to do?
Look, doll...
I'll have my husband
pump Wilbur.
Men tell each other things
they never tell their wives.
Oh, but then Wilbur
will know I know.
Oh, no, doll.
Addison may not be the
brightest man in the world,
but he ranks with the sneakiest.
I wonder what
Bernadine looks like.
Yes, Wilbur.
Uh, W... Wilbur, stop shouting.
Stop shouting?
Why, I have never
heard of such a thing.
The crime is done.
I've already
kidnapped Bernadine.
Ed, you are going to get
me into a lot of trouble.
She'll never punch
a time clock again.
I'm putting her out to pasture.
Ed, Bernadine's owner, this
Charlie Woods, just called me.
He knows she's missing.
Where are you calling from?
That phone booth in the
parking lot on Laurel Road.
Oh, I owe you a dime.
Dime?
I took it off of your desk.
Go ahead, add
robber to your charges.
Look, I am not going
to change my mind.
You know how I
feel about Bernadine.
You stay right where
you are. I'm coming over.
We're going to settle
this once and for all.
Oh, hi, Roger.
Look, I got to run.
Wilbur...
there's something I
want to talk to you about.
Not now. I'm in a hurry.
But this is important.
You know, there comes a
time in every married man's life
when he feels like stepping out.
Don't do it, Roger.
Kay's a wonderful girl.
Didn't Wilbur say
where he was going?
No, he just jumped in
the car and drove off.
But you were supposed
to have that talk with him.
- I did.
- Well, what did he say?
He said I should stick with you.
What?
He never even came
in to say goodbye.
Oh, I'm sure this is
a misunderstanding.
Wilbur just isn't the type.
Of course he isn't.
And at least you'll
get the house.
Wilbur wouldn't even
look at another woman.
Where's my Bernadine?
Oh... Mr. Post
stole her from me.
- Just a minute,
my good man.
- I'll take him to court.
There are laws
against these things.
You have only yourself to blame.
If you had treated her properly,
she never would have left you.
Mister, don't tell me
how to handle Bernadine.
I haven't laid a
whip to her in years.
No wonder you
can't hold onto her.
I don't want to argue.
Where's my Bernadine?
With my husband.
What's he want with her?
She's 18 years old.
18 years old?
That's right,
and she's got another
four or five good years
left in her.
That is no way to
talk about your wife.
What?
Bernadine is a horse.
He married her.
He ought to know.
Look, I don't know what's
going on around here,
but where's my horse?
I've got to take
pictures in the park.
I've got to make a living.
Do you mean Bernadine
is really a horse?
- Sure.
- With four legs?
What other kind is there?
Oh, thank you.
Hey, what's going on?
Mr. Post, I've been
looking for you.
Where's Bernadine?
She's outside. I just
brought her back.
What's the idea of
stealing my horse?
I didn't steal your horse.
My horse stole her.
No, I mean, he didn't steal her.
He thought she was
working too hard.
Why, I mean, he doesn't know...
Well... Hey, what's going on?
You're a kook.
Excuse me.
I'm not well.
I've had better days myself.
- Wilbur. - I know. I know.
You're upset because I've been
spending so much time with Ed.
Come here.
Why were you kissing that man?
Why, Wilbur, you're jealous.
I'm surprised at you.
If a couple can't
trust each other,
what is there to a marriage?
You're right, dear, I
shouldn't have been jealous...
but why were you
hugging that man?
Oh, Wilbur.
People... they sure can get
a horse into a lot of trouble.
Well, wise guy.
I just had a talk with
Bernadine's owner.
You know what he says?
Yeah?
She was a scrawny, unhappy
animal when he got her.
Now she's happy and
healthy, and do you know why?
Yeah?
Because she loves to work.
She loves to work?
That's right.
Only proves some
horses are dumb animals.
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪
♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪
♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪
♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪
♪ He'll give you the answer ♪
♪ That you'll endorse ♪
♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪
♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪
♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪
♪ And waste your time of day ♪
♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪
♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪
♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪
♪ Well, listen to this ♪
♪ I am Mister Ed ♪
This has been a Filmways
television presentation.
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪
♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪
♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪
♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪
♪ He'll give you the answer ♪
♪ That you'll endorse ♪
♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪
♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪
Could you take
pictures of both children
at the same time?
Sure. My horse
Bernadine don't mind.
She can carry the whole family,
and you can climb on, too, lady.
Me? Oh.
Gee, you're lazy.
Come on, Ed, let's go.
Backseat driver.
Stop kidding around.
Who's kidding? My
bunions are killing me.
I never met such a goldbrick.
Remember, it was your
idea to come to the park.
I thought I was
going to a picnic,
not a steeplechase.
You are just lazy.
Look at that horse over there,
working for a living.
I'll have your picture ready
in a couple minutes, lady.
Thank you. Can we
all stay on the horse?
Sure. Bernadine don't care.
She's got a strong back.
Strong back?
That poor, old horse is
ready for Social Security.
She looks okay to me.
Please. She's due right now
for the rocking
chair and the shawl.
Come on, Ed.
Your picture taken?
No, thank you, no.
It's a nice-looking
horse you got there.
How old is she?
Bernadine's 18.
- How old is yours?
- Seven.
Although he acts like he's ready
for the rocking
chair and the shawl.
Yeah, he does look lazy.
Hmm. Only time he
moves is to lie down.
How would you like to buy him?
He's for sale.
No, thanks.
Bernadine's got a lot
of good years left in her.
Why, I work her
seven days a week,
12, 14 hours a day,
and she never complains.
Well, if you should
change your mind,
my name is Post, and
I live on Valley Road.
Huh, funny-looking kids.
Hey, lady, they came out great,
beautiful children.
Wilbur, so you're
going to sell me, huh?
Well, you don't scare me a bit.
No? Your four knees
were shaking like castanets.
That man's horse
works 14 hours a day,
and she never complains.
How can she? She can't talk.
Ed, some day you're
going to find out
that you can't enjoy
life unless you work.
I've been pretty happy so far.
Making Bernadine
work 14 hours a day.
There ought to be
a horse labor law.
Come on, Ed. Let's go home.
Yeah, I've just
got to talk to you.
Why, of course, sweetie.
Are you and Wilbur coming
with us to the movie tonight?
I don't know.
Wilbur hasn't come
back from the park yet.
He spends so much
time with that horse.
Sometimes I...
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't
know Roger was napping.
Oh, you can talk.
He's fast asleep.
Watch.
Doll, I'm going shopping.
I'm going to spend
all your money.
Now, if that didn't
wake him, nothing will.
He looks so
comfortable like that.
Oh, he is.
He always sleeps with
his hand on his wallet.
When do you expect Wilbur back?
That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
When Wilbur's with that horse,
I never know when
he's coming home.
Hmm. He certainly
spends a lot of time
with that animal.
Tell me, sweetie,
when you got married,
who signed the license,
you or the horse?
Sometimes I think I'd get
more attention from Wilbur
if I grew a tail.
Let me give you a tip on
how to handle your husband.
It's worked with mine for years.
Now, you see? It's just...
Make sure that his
wallet's on the outside.
I don't know why I
bought you this saddle,
you loafer.
I should have got you
a sleeping bag instead.
That poor, old horse Bernadine.
He works her seven days a week.
That's all you have talked about
since we came home.
She's 18 years old.
If Bernadine was
human, she would be 126.
Ed, that is enough.
Would you let a
126-year-old woman
carry kids on her back?
If she enjoyed it, yes.
A great humanitarian,
you are not.
Look, Ed, Bernadine
is not my horse,
so what do you want me to do?
Let her come live with us.
What's another mouth to feed?
Don't press your luck, Ed.
I have enough trouble
with Carol, just keeping you.
Will you send me out
to work when I'm 126?
Oh, stop being so dramatic.
I can see the inscription
on my tombstone...
"Here lies Ed... dead."
Look, I don't want
to hear another word
about that horse.
Wilbur, I hate to interfere
in other people's lives,
but if you're wise,
you'll take a
little friendly tip.
- What is it?
- Sell your horse.
Sell Ed? Why?
Either that or sell your wife,
and with the cold
weather approaching,
I would say Carol
is a better bet.
Has Carol been
complaining about Ed again?
She certainly has.
You know, you're spending
too much time with him.
My boy, take a
little friendly tip.
Spend more time
with the little woman,
and it might not be a bad idea
to bring her some flowers tonight.
- Flowers?
- Mm-hmm.
That's a good idea,
but I wish Carol had
told me how she felt.
The time to start worrying
is when they stop talking.
You're right.
I remember, now.
Carol didn't say a word
just before I proposed to her.
She sat there staring at me,
so to make small talk,
I said, "How about
getting married?"
Wilbur, I'll never understand
why you spend so much
time with that stupid animal.
You shouldn't have said
that. You hurt his feelings.
What?
Animals can tell how
you feel about them
by the tone of your voice.
They can?
Trouble-maker!
You're very juvenile.
What about that
poor, old Bernadine?
That is enough.
Aw.
Haven't you got a heart?
All right.
126-years-old and still working.
Ed, I'm warning you.
You better watch it.
How can I, through that door?
You heard what Addison said.
I'm paying too
much attention to you
and not enough to Carol.
That's going to lead to trouble,
and trouble is the last thing
I want around my house.
I'm going out to buy
Carol some flowers now,
and I don't want to hear
another word out of you.
Now, about that Bernadine.
I wonder where Wilbur went.
I'm afraid we're going
to be late for the movie.
He's probably out for
a stroll with Mister Ed.
I wouldn't be surprised if
he and that horse eloped.
Oh, I'd hate to miss the
opening of the picture.
You never know
what's going on anyway.
And what sort of a
nasty crack is that?
My dear, at the movie,
you're either
gabbing, buying candy,
or looking for your shoe.
Oh, what a lucky girl I was
to have married the perfect man.
No. No, my dear,
you were not lucky.
You were blessed.
Didn't Wilbur tell you
where he was going?
He knows that... Excuse me.
Wilbur.
Telegram, ma'am.
Are you Mrs.
Pootz... Putz... Post?
Wilbur, this is no
time for games.
Congratulations on your
anniversary, Mrs. Post.
What anniversary?
You've been married
exactly three years,
eight months, six days,
11 hours, and 12 minutes.
I never get flowers.
Darling, you're right.
Tomorrow morning, I'm going
to turn you loose in the garden
with a pair of shears.
Thanks, doll.
Oh, thank you, honey.
You know, for a while there,
I was beginning to think you
preferred your horse to me.
Are you kidding?
Ed may have more legs than you,
but in nylons he's nothing.
Well, now that we've had
a belly-full of this mush,
shall we get on to the movie?
Right.
I'll get it. I'll cut
it short, honey.
I'll get the car.
Hello.
How can you sit at the movie
while Bernadine
stands on fallen arches?
Look, I told you I
refuse to discuss it.
I'll... I'll be right out.
I'll... I'll phone
you from my office.
Be right back, honey.
Who was that on the phone, dear?
Jerry Williams. He wants
to discuss a business deal.
It's kind of confidential,
so I'm going to phone
him from my office.
All right.
Oh, honey, don't stand
too close to the roses.
Why not?
Next to you, they
look like weeds.
Oh, isn't Wilbur wonderful?
Flowers, compliments,
kissing my hand.
If my husband acted that way,
I would have him followed.
Oh, I don't have to
worry about my Wilbur.
He's like the geyser
in Yellowstone Park...
Old Faithful.
So young.
Ed, you are acting like a child.
Now, I don't want to hear
another word about Bernadine.
But why can't she live with us?
Two can live as cheap as one.
Not when they
both eat like horses.
Okay, then I won't eat.
Give her my food.
Now where's Wilbur?
By the time we
get to that movie,
it'll be on TV.
Relax, doll. The prices
changed hours ago.
I'm sorry, Roger. Wilbur
had a call from Jerry Williams.
Jerry Williams?
He left for Europe yesterday.
Well, sweetie, he could
have called from the boat.
That would be a good
trick since he took a plane.
A plane?
Yeah. Oh, no, no, it
must be somebody else.
I'd better turn off the motor.
Why would Wilbur say Jerry
Williams called if he didn't?
That's a good question.
Kissing my hand,
bringing me flowers,
full of complements.
Why is he doing
all this suddenly?
Oh, well, darling, it
could be any reason.
Your husband loves you,
and he wants you to be happy.
Or he has a guilty conscience.
Your reason will
sound better in court.
Ed, they're waiting for me.
Poor Bernadine is 130 years old.
You said she was 126.
Well, you know how
women lie about their ages.
Look, I have just
made up with Carol,
and I don't intend to
start any more arguments.
Now, go to sleep.
I won't sleep. Will you?
I don't want to hear
another word about this.
It's over. It's
settled. It's finished.
It's... Final.
Final!
About Bernadine...
Go eat your hay.
Smarty-pants.
Ah, let's go. Coming, princess?
Wilbur, who did you
say called you before?
Huh? Oh, Jerry Williams.
That Jerry Williams,
never stops working.
Here it is, 8:00, and
he's still talking business.
Several days ago we started
on an expedition to the movies.
What happened?
Have I lost the safari?
Sorry, Roger.
Come on, girls, let's go.
Don't be suspicious, dear.
Whatever you
think Wilbur's up to,
we are probably mistaken.
I just hope Old Faithful
isn't blowing off steam
for somebody else.
Boy, that movie
really put me to sleep.
Wilbur.
Huh?
Do you like my hair this way?
Huh?
Oh, yeah, like it
right where it is,
top of your head.
Goodnight.
Would you like me better
if I changed the color?
Huh?
How about if I dyed it red...
or... or black...
or do you like platinum better?
Honey, I'd like you
if you were bald.
Don't you care how I look?
Honey, you can be red one day
and brunette the next.
I don't care.
I like girls with
convertible tops.
- Wilbur.
- Hmm?
Do you love me?
Of course.
- Say it.
- Huh?
Say it.
Oh... Night.
Is it so hard for you
to say, "I love you"?
I love ya.
I can't sleep.
Then take a pill.
I don't want a pill.
Would you mind getting me one?
Something seems to
be keeping me awake.
Wilbur...
is there anything you
think I should know?
Wilbur, there's something
we must discuss.
I know you weren't talking
to Jerry Williams tonight,
and if there's some
other woman in your life,
please tell me.
Oh...
No... No... No, Bernadine.
No, Bernadine.
No... I can't support two.
No... Carol would
never let me have
another around the house.
I can't...
Bernadine.
Bernadine.
Bernadine who?
Bernadine.
Bernadine who?
Bernadine who?
Bernadine who?
Ready for breakfast, dear.
What's for breakfast, honey?
Your favorite.
Black toast?
Burnt eggs?
Charred bacon?
Where did you get
this, at a fire sale?
Maybe you should have
married a better cook.
Didn't you sleep
well last night, dear?
No, but you did...
with a big smile on your face.
Hi, Kay.
Good morning, Wilbur.
Kay, I wouldn't
go in the kitchen.
You're liable to be
hit with a frying pan.
She is in a bad mood today.
I wonder why.
Kay, would you do me a favor...
Find out what's bothering her?
You mean, you have no idea?
Hmm?
Oh, yeah, we talked
about it last night.
She made it very plain.
Well, what are you
going to do about it?
Hmm? Nothing.
She wants red hair,
it's okay with me.
Excuse me, I'm going to feed Ed.
Now, who's Bernadine?
I thought you were Wilbur.
Bernadine who?
I don't know.
Wilbur talked about
her in his sleep last night.
Oh, poor, little doll.
Kay, I'm going to
have it out with him.
Oh, no, sweetie, that would
be the worst thing you could do.
Well, what do you expect
me to do, keep quiet?
Look, darling, once
you tell him you know,
it could be the finish.
Just be patient.
Oh, don't eat that, Kay.
I burned it on purpose.
Mmm, tastes fine to me.
This is how Addison
always cooks my breakfast.
Oh, Kay, what am I going to do?
Look, doll...
I'll have my husband
pump Wilbur.
Men tell each other things
they never tell their wives.
Oh, but then Wilbur
will know I know.
Oh, no, doll.
Addison may not be the
brightest man in the world,
but he ranks with the sneakiest.
I wonder what
Bernadine looks like.
Yes, Wilbur.
Uh, W... Wilbur, stop shouting.
Stop shouting?
Why, I have never
heard of such a thing.
The crime is done.
I've already
kidnapped Bernadine.
Ed, you are going to get
me into a lot of trouble.
She'll never punch
a time clock again.
I'm putting her out to pasture.
Ed, Bernadine's owner, this
Charlie Woods, just called me.
He knows she's missing.
Where are you calling from?
That phone booth in the
parking lot on Laurel Road.
Oh, I owe you a dime.
Dime?
I took it off of your desk.
Go ahead, add
robber to your charges.
Look, I am not going
to change my mind.
You know how I
feel about Bernadine.
You stay right where
you are. I'm coming over.
We're going to settle
this once and for all.
Oh, hi, Roger.
Look, I got to run.
Wilbur...
there's something I
want to talk to you about.
Not now. I'm in a hurry.
But this is important.
You know, there comes a
time in every married man's life
when he feels like stepping out.
Don't do it, Roger.
Kay's a wonderful girl.
Didn't Wilbur say
where he was going?
No, he just jumped in
the car and drove off.
But you were supposed
to have that talk with him.
- I did.
- Well, what did he say?
He said I should stick with you.
What?
He never even came
in to say goodbye.
Oh, I'm sure this is
a misunderstanding.
Wilbur just isn't the type.
Of course he isn't.
And at least you'll
get the house.
Wilbur wouldn't even
look at another woman.
Where's my Bernadine?
Oh... Mr. Post
stole her from me.
- Just a minute,
my good man.
- I'll take him to court.
There are laws
against these things.
You have only yourself to blame.
If you had treated her properly,
she never would have left you.
Mister, don't tell me
how to handle Bernadine.
I haven't laid a
whip to her in years.
No wonder you
can't hold onto her.
I don't want to argue.
Where's my Bernadine?
With my husband.
What's he want with her?
She's 18 years old.
18 years old?
That's right,
and she's got another
four or five good years
left in her.
That is no way to
talk about your wife.
What?
Bernadine is a horse.
He married her.
He ought to know.
Look, I don't know what's
going on around here,
but where's my horse?
I've got to take
pictures in the park.
I've got to make a living.
Do you mean Bernadine
is really a horse?
- Sure.
- With four legs?
What other kind is there?
Oh, thank you.
Hey, what's going on?
Mr. Post, I've been
looking for you.
Where's Bernadine?
She's outside. I just
brought her back.
What's the idea of
stealing my horse?
I didn't steal your horse.
My horse stole her.
No, I mean, he didn't steal her.
He thought she was
working too hard.
Why, I mean, he doesn't know...
Well... Hey, what's going on?
You're a kook.
Excuse me.
I'm not well.
I've had better days myself.
- Wilbur. - I know. I know.
You're upset because I've been
spending so much time with Ed.
Come here.
Why were you kissing that man?
Why, Wilbur, you're jealous.
I'm surprised at you.
If a couple can't
trust each other,
what is there to a marriage?
You're right, dear, I
shouldn't have been jealous...
but why were you
hugging that man?
Oh, Wilbur.
People... they sure can get
a horse into a lot of trouble.
Well, wise guy.
I just had a talk with
Bernadine's owner.
You know what he says?
Yeah?
She was a scrawny, unhappy
animal when he got her.
Now she's happy and
healthy, and do you know why?
Yeah?
Because she loves to work.
She loves to work?
That's right.
Only proves some
horses are dumb animals.
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪
♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪
♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪
♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪
♪ He'll give you the answer ♪
♪ That you'll endorse ♪
♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪
♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪
♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪
♪ And waste your time of day ♪
♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪
♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪
♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪
♪ Well, listen to this ♪
♪ I am Mister Ed ♪
This has been a Filmways
television presentation.