Mister Ed (1958–1966): Season 1, Episode 22 - The Mustache - full transcript

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Gee, it's hot in here.



I'm comfortable.

Not me.

Boy, it's hot.

Why don't you open a window?

Okay.

But it's not going to help.

It's just as hot
outside as it is inside.

Now it's even hotter.

Ed, you are leading
up to something.

Whatever it is,
you're not getting it.

Hello?

Yes, this is Mr. Post.

Who?

Acme Plumbing?



Uh-oh.

I didn't order any
shower for my barn.

Uh, no, thank you.

Good-bye.

You think the Dodgers
have got a chance this year?

Ed, who gave you permission
to order a shower for the barn?

I think the Dodgers have
got a chance this year.

Ed.

The Dodgers think
they got a chance... Ed!

Do you know how
much a shower costs?

Take it out of my hay.

Who ever heard about
a shower in a barn?

Why, a horse invented the idea.

It's called a stall shower.

Well, if it gets hot,
I'll hose you down.

You never hose your wife down.

Even if I were silly enough
to put a shower in here,

we couldn't afford it right now.

Leave that phone alone, Ed.

We don't need a shower.

Oh, I'm sorry Mr. Reynolds.

I thought you were
somebody else.

Um, what do you think

about my plans for
your apartment building?

Ah, well, I did a
pretty good job, I think,

and it will save
you a lot of money.

You'll let me know.

Thank you, Mr. Reynolds.

Bye.

Bad news?

I've been trying to get
Reynolds to let me build

his apartment building
for a month now.

I know he likes my plans,

but I just can't persuade
him to get started.

You know what your
trouble is, my boy?

Your face.

Why, I can't go
anywhere without it.

No, I mean... You've
got a baby face.

And when people are
investing a lot of money,

they feel safer with a
man who is more mature.

Do you think a little moustache
like yours might help?

It wouldn't hurt, my boy.

When I'm at one
of those meetings

and stroke my
moustache thoughtfully,

everybody stops and waits for
me to say something profound.

Dignity, maturity.

Can I try on your jacket, Roger?

Sure.

With a moustache and my tailor,

people will stand up when
you come into a room.

Ooh.

Beginning to feel more
successful already.

My dignity's a
little full in the back.

Hmm.

How do I look?

Splendid.

Great.

You must have spoken
to the wrong party.

This is Mr. Post.

And I did not cancel the
order for the barn shower.

Sorry, wrong number.

Edward,

I told you, you are
not getting that shower.

Oh, my aching back.

You look like Addison,
and you're twice as grouchy.

You know why I'm doing this.

I've got to look older.

Gee.

Well, if I make enough money,

maybe I will get
you that shower.

I don't think that silly
moustache will do it.

Why are you complaining
about a few extra hairs?

You got a tail.

But I can use mine to
swish flies off my back.

That's enough.

Trigger not only has a shower,

he has a sunken bathtub.

You earn as much
money as Trigger,

and I'll buy you
a swimming pool.

Oh.

Hi, Kay. Come on in.

Hi, sweetie. Oh, you
missed a big sale at Mayfair's.

What did you buy?

Who cares? They were bargains.

Kay, do you always buy
things you don't need?

Well, sure. If I ever
happen to need them,

they may not be on sale.

If I weren't having so
much trouble with Wilbur,

I'd laugh.

Oh, how is Wilbur?

Just impossible.

Since he grew that moustache,

he's been trying to
be another Roger.

Well, sweetie, the
world isn't ready for two.

I feel like I'm
married to a stranger.

I've had that feeling for years.

You know something?

It's that moustache that's
changed his whole personality.

Shh. Hold it down.

Here comes fuzzy wuzzy.

Good morning, ladies.

Good morning?

Good morning.

I'm sorry I missed you
at breakfast, my dear.

You just missed me again.

I fail to see the
humor in that remark.

Now if you'll ladies
will excuse me,

I have work to
attend to in my office.

I feel very... profound.

Wilbur Post, this is ridiculous.

Stop trying to act like Roger

and shave off that
silly cookie-duster.

My dear...

You look like you're
peeking at me over a hedge.

My dear, I'm not
imitating anybody.

Excuse me, ladies.

It's frightening.

He even walks like Addison.
Is he getting cheaper, too?

No, his moustache hasn't
gone to his wallet yet.

Well, honey,
maybe it will help him

get more jobs as an architect.

I don't care about the money.

I married Wilbur.

And I don't like that... that
stranger who just walked out.

Look, honey.

I've got an idea.

I think I know how to
snap him out of this.

Fight fire with fire.

You mean, I should
burn it off him?

He changed his personality...

Why don't you change yours?

I don't understand.

Well, if he can be Addison,

then you can be me.

And I can be pretty awful. Huh?

Huh?

Kay, do you think
I look all right?

Oh, you look perfect.
Just like a fashion ad.

Now, here. Hold these boxes
as if you own all the contents.

There you are. Now be put.

Don't bounce your head, Carol.

You look so much
better when you're poised.

Show dignity. Dignity
when you walk.

Quiet... That's the whole thing.

Quiet. Go.

Kay, I don't think I can
go through with this.

Oh, sure you can.

Now, don't forget you're me.

Just breeze into that barn

and be as miserable
as I know how.

Hello, Post, doll.

Well, what are those packages?

Oh, there was a
sale at the Mayfair

and I just bought,
bought, bought.

What did you buy, buy, buy?

Who cares, angel?

It was a bargain,
and Kay always...

I mean, I always... I
mean, she always...

My dear, don't you
think you're being...

just a little obvious?

Oh, Wilbur, please
shave that thing off

and be yourself again.

My dear, I explained to you

this will help me business-wise.

Well, it's not
helping kissing-wise.

Well, sweetie, how did you do?

I tried to be you, but I
wasn't even a good me.

It's Addison's fault.

He never should have
encouraged Wilbur.

I bet if Roger shaved off his
moustache, Wilbur would too.

Excuse me, dear.

Where are you going?

To sharpen a razor.

Shave off my what?

That furry little trouble-maker
under your nose.

Never.

I'd be positively
naked without it.

Wear a fig leaf.

Addison, if you shave yours
off, Wilbur will shave his off.

Nonsense. Just
because Wilbur and Carol

are having a little
spat... A little spat?

She's almost ready to leave him.

Think of it this way, doll...

You won't be losing a moustache,
you'll be saving a marriage.

But, my dear, be reasonable.

I have had this
for over 20 years.

We even went through
college together.

But Wilbur's been
imitating you in every way.

He's been talking like you,

walking like you,
dressing like you.

Personally, I think
it's an improvement.

Sweetheart, they're a
young married couple.

And now they've stopped kissing.

Let them shake hands.

Oh...

Please take it off for
your little baby doll.

Baby doll?

Yes?

It stays.

You marriage-destroyer, you.

All right, hot lips.

If if means that much to Carol,

I'll go and have
a talk with Wilbur

and get him to shave
his moustache off.

Boy, it's hot.

Boy, it's really hot.

I'll bet if you owed
somebody a hot day,

you could pay him
back with this one.

No shower?

No shower.

You know, I'm glad I
took Roger's advice.

Somehow I feel more mature.

More confident.

More... This is
how you look to me.

How is this for
dignity and maturity?

Ooh.

Mr. Post, anytime you're
ready for lunch, just let me know.

My dear, you're
acting like a child.

What are we having?

Canned soup, canned
stew, and canned fruit.

As long as you want to
be Addison, eat like him.

It's going to be a
long, cold winter.

Don't worry.

She'll get used to it.

Sure, buddy boy.

Start lathering up.

Look, when I make up my mind...

She changes it.

Look, Edward.

And stop calling me Edward.

I feel like I'm
wearing short pants.

Nobody changes
Wilbur Post's mind.

Ha!

I am master of my own home.

Ha!

This moustache
stays where it is.

Ha!

The day anybody gets me
to shave this moustache off,

that is the day you will
get your stall shower.

Wilbur?

Ha!

Buddy boy?

What?

I take a size 38 shower cap.

Okay...

- Well, Wilbur, my boy.
- Well, Addison, my boy.

How do I look?

We look like our wives
got us at a one cent sale.

Wilbur, I'm afraid
we made a mistake.

Mistake?

We're living in a
fast-changing world.

To be successful,
you've got to be youthful.

You got to act young,
feel young, look young.

But just last week you
told me I should look older.

Roger.

Wilbur, get rid of it.

Did Carol put you up to this?

Did she send you out here?

No, Kay sent me out here.

She told me Carol
is very unhappy.

Oh, so you want me to shave my
moustache off and make Carol happy.

Right.

All right if you shave yours
off and make Kay happy.

Oh, let me understand this.

You mean, you won't
shave yours off unless I...

Right. We go together.

It's a set.

Very well.

I never thought
the day would come

when I would sign a
moustache suicide pact.

Oh, uh, psst.

With my shower cap,

I'll want a half-dozen
large-sized Turkish towels.

I think the Dodgers have a
chance this year, Edward.

My dear, how do
you think I'd look

with long sideburns
setting off my moustache?

Like a Saint Bernard.

For all I care, you...

Wilbur, you've come home.

I've been away a lot
longer than I thought.

How did you change your mind?

Well, I paid $2 for
our marriage license,

and it was going to waste.

Ooh, I've got to call Kay.

Honey, Roger just told Kay.

He's shaving his off, too.

He is?

I wonder what he will look like.

Like an open-face sandwich.

Addison, Addison!

Will you quit stalling?

Remember your promise.

I've got to get this
lather the right thickness.

You've been mixing
that for 40 minutes.

Are you shaving
or baking a cake?

Now what?

It's the light. I need
a stronger bulb.

We've already changed it twice.

Now, come on. Shave it off.

I better use an electric razor.

Oh, let me do it.

No! No, no, no.

Please.

Kay, will you do
me one last favor?

What do you want
now? An anesthetic?

Would you leave me
alone with my moustache

for just a few minutes?

You want to say good-bye?

I feel like I'm
losing an old buddy.

Now, so is Wilbur. Now come on.

Hey, how do I know he
hasn't changed his mind?

Well, you told me he
was shaving his off.

Yeah, but he could've
changed his mind.

I better go and see.

No, I'll go and see.

You have a reprieve
for five minutes,

but don't expect a phone
call from the governor.

Your steak will be
ready in a minute, darling.

Thank you, hon.

I'll get it.

Don't you burn that steak.

Hello?

Just a minute.

What do you want?

Now, about that, uh, shower.

I'd like, uh, needle spray.

Why?

What makes you think I
got rid of my moustache?

I smell steak cooking.

Well, you're wrong.

I didn't shave it off.

I'll be in the barn later and
you can see for yourself.

Who was that on the phone, dear?

- It was me.
- Huh?

No, I mean, I'm trying
to reach a plumber.

I thinking of having a
stall shower put in the barn.

A stall shower in the barn?

Wilbur, I'm so glad you have
your sense of humor back.

Oh, it's off.

Good boy.

Sent Mata Hari over to see

if I kept my half
of the bargain.

Honey, how about that
shower for the barn?

Wilbur, you're not serious?

I am.

I mean, it's very practical.

When we come
home from the beach,

you can take a
shower in the house

I can use the one in the barn.

Why do we need two?

We don't need two
showers in the barn. Just one.

One in the house and
one in the barn. One.

This silly.

Not two, one.

I'm so glad you
stopped being Roger.

I wonder why he hasn't been
over since he shaved his off.

Will you quit stalling?

But my dear...

If you don't hurry, I'll pluck
it out one hair at a time.

My mother warned
me at the wedding

that you had a sadistic streak.

If you stall any longer, it
will fall off from old age.

Shave it off!

You'll never find it now.

Kay, will you wait outside?

Just send me hourly reports.

Kay, are you sure
Wilbur shaved his off?

Well, yes.

I saw it with my own two eyes.

Don't you trust me?

Of course.

I'll go and see for myself.

That's right.

I want the shower
tiled in baby blue.

Uh-oh.

There goes my shower.

Down the drain.

You see, Edward?

Nobody can influence me
when I make up my mind.

Wife or no wife.

I didn't think
you had it in you.

Well, it looks like it's going
to be a long hot summer.

You can't win them all, Ed.

I knew it. I knew it.

Oh, thank you,
coward. Thank you.

Methinks something's
rotten in Denmark.

Why should I fib to you?

I tell you I saw Wilbur
without a moustache.

Then he grew another
one in the last five minutes.

But Addison, really.

If Wilbur shaved
off his moustache,

I will buy you a
full-length mink coat.

Wonderful.

My little stole is going
to have a big brother.

Wilbur?

Uh...

Just a minute, honey. I'm...

I dropped my pencil.

Well, what is it, dear?

I just saw Roger running
out of here all lathered up.

- What happened?
- Yes, well, uh...

Let's talk about it outside.
It's kind of hot in here.

Now, you're not going
to start that business

about a shower
for the barn again?

Uh, no, no.

We can always hose him down.

Hose who down?

Hose down... Him down.

Who down?

Look, we'll talk
about it outside.

Now I'm sure something's
rotten in Denmark.

And I'm getting a
whiff of it over here.

Wilbur, stop teasing.

Honey, let's celebrate tonight.

Celebrate?

Oh, this. Swell.

We'll ask the
Addison's for dinner.

Fine.

I'll run to the market and
get something special.

Wilbur?

Buddy boy?

Yes, Ed.

Just out here in the garden, Ed.

Wilbur?

Wilbur?

What is it, hon?

Shall we have steaks or chops?

Uh, chops.

Steaks will be fine.

Wilbur?

Yes, Kay?

I knew it. I knew it.

Addison, will you come here?

Now, look for your...

Your stole is
still an only child.

Wilbur, what's going on?

Yes, dear?

Wilbur Post!

What are you doing to me?

Wilbur, why are
you playing games?

Uh, I... I guess it
must be the heat.

Oh, maybe you do need
that shower in the barn.

Well, if you'll excuse me.

I've got to shave.

Uh, Addison.

Are you really
going to shave it off?

We made an agreement, my dear.

Oh, well, keep your
silly old moustache.

I think I like you better
that way, anyway.

Mrs. Addison, do you mean it?

I mean it, doll.

Oh, bless you,
my dear, bless you.

Wilbur, give me
that silly thing.

Know something?

You like it?

Hate it.

I like you just as
you are, baby face.

Ed! Ed!

Ed, I just got the
Reynolds apartment deal

the hard way...
Without a moustache.

Good. Hand me a towel.

One towel, coming up.

♪ The little lady ♪

♪ When the moon
is on the trail ♪

♪ Pretty little filly ♪

♪ With the honey tail ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

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