Mister Ed (1958–1966): Season 1, Episode 21 - Ed Agrees to Talk - full transcript

When Wilbur balks at buying a new car for Carol, she hitches up a buggy to Mister Ed. Ed then reports her to the SPCA.

Hello, I'm Mr. Ed.

♪♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪



Hello.

Oh, hi, Carol. This is Kay.

Did you get up enough nerve to ask
Wilbur to buy you your own car, yet?

No, I haven't.

Well, sweetie,
if I were you I...

Why are you
breathing so heavily?

Me? I thought it was you.

Sweetie, ask Wilbur for the car.

If I were that afraid
of my husband

my mink would still be
running around in the forest.

Maybe you're right.

I'll ask him this
morning. See you later.

Hey, Ed, have you been
eavesdropping again?

Yes and no.



What do you mean yes and no?

Yes if you saw me
and no if you didn't.

Oh, I saw you and you
should be ashamed of yourself.

All right, then, I won't tell you
what I just heard on the phone.

Good.

I don't want to hear it.

Okay, but when you're married
you need all the help you can get.

Ed, I told you I do
not want to hear it.

Carol was talking to Kay and
it's gonna cost you a fortune.

But if you don't want
to hear it, let's skip it.

Huh.

Oh.

Ed, what is gonna
cost me a fortune?

Well, you said you didn't want
to hear it, so my lips are sealed.

Ed, you talk or there won't be
any television for you tonight.

The next voice you hear
will be Ed the blabber mouth.

All right, let's hear it.

Your wife wants her own car.

She does? She does.

She does?

She does what?

Wants her own car.

- Who does?
- My wife.

She does?

Well, I hope you're getting
ready to turn her down.

Oh, well, first, I
mean, I'll try to be fair.

I'll listen to what
she has to say

and then I'll turn her down.

Good boy.

Hold fast because if
you get Carol that car,

if I know Kay, she'll
want something, too.

Boy, will I turn her down.

Good. Now, remember
you got to promise me...

Wilbur, I'm sorry to
hear about your losses.

If things don't get better

and you feel that you have
to borrow money from me,

don't hesitate to ask.

Money? But I... I...
I don't need... Oh.

Thank you, Roger.

I'll let you know.

I'm sorry, Carol.

Wilbur, why are you
borrowing money?

Borrowing money?

Now don't you try to hide
any bad news from me.

I'm not.

It's nothing that I can't
take care of myself.

Well, what can I do for you?

Well, I was thinking that may...

Are you sure
everything's all right?

Look, darling,

no matter what happens, we...

we still have each other.

Of course, that's...
That's all we may have.

Well, what can I do for you?

Well, I've given this a
great deal of thought, and I...

Nothing.

I-I was just wondering if
you could spare the car.

I have some
shopping I have to do.

Oh, sure.

You know, honey, if
I'm not using the car,

it's yours.

Aw, thank you, dear.

Of course, if you could find a
street without any parking meters,

I'd appreciate it.

Wilbur, if you think we should
be cutting down on expenses...

Now, now, now.

Things aren't that bad.

Yet.

What are we having
for dinner tonight, dear?

Well, I was
planning on prime rib,

but I'll make it hot dogs now.

Better make it one each.

Gladly, dear.

Wilbur, I think it worked.

Oh, I feel like a heel.

I mean, I feel awful.

Did you see how sad she looked?

Let's face it, buddy boy,

a woman is a sometime thing.

Yeah. Sometimes
they drive you nuts.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Wilbur.

It worked, huh?

Great.

Fooled Carol completely, eh?

Oh, I knew you could
talk her out of that car.

There's nothing easier

than pulling the wool
over your wife's eyes.

And was I convincing.

Carol's liable to go out
now and look for a job.

Wonderful. Hey, Wilbur.

Wilbur, why are you
breathing so heavily?

Have we been cut off?

Well, no, it's probably
a loose connection.

You know you can always count

on that poverty
routine. It always works.

I've been pulling
it for years on Kay.

For a couple of months now,
she's been trying to get me

to buy her an expensive
strand of pearls,

and I keep getting
her off the track by...

By... Bye-bye, Wilbur.

I'll bet you think I didn't know
you were there all the time.

That's why I made
up that ridiculous...

How dare you spy on me?

That was very sneaky,

telling Wilbur not
to buy Carol a car.

You advise her. Why
can't I advise him?

Two wrongs don't make a right.
Carol needs a car of her own.

Like you need
that string of pearls.

I'll have those
pearls in the morning.

Only if you dive
for them tonight.

With me advising Carol, they
better get a two-car garage.

I wouldn't bet on that, my dear.

I'd bet my new
string of pearls on it.

It's a deal.

- If Carol gets the car,
you get the pearls.
- Fine.

But if she doesn't get the car,

then you hand over your
charger plate to me for two months.

Two whole months?

Oh, how can I have
been such a fool?

Wilbur acted as though
we were going bankrupt.

He looked so sad
I could have cried.

Oh, boy oh boy, what
a prize simpleton I am.

And I never even
got to ask for the car.

Sweetie. Take it easy,

or you'll have a
wall-to-wall omelet.

Oh, that Wilbur!

How did he even know I
was gonna ask for the car?

I think Addison has
our house bugged.

I'm not gonna give up.

Attagirl. Remember,
you're fighting for two of us...

Your car and my pearls.

Oh, who does he think he is?

Why, I'm gonna go right out
there and tell him a thing or two.

Oh, he probably thinks I'm the
stupidest thing that ever lived.

No, no, no. That's no
way. Tell him nothing.

You've got to hit
him in his weak spot.

Weak spots?

Well, yes. You know who
your husband loves the most.

Oh, what a silly thing
to say. Of course I do.

Good. We agree. It's the horse.

- The horse?
- Why, yes. Now listen.

I've been in the marital
ring for a heck of a long time,

and I'll tell you, you've got
to keep punching all the time.

Ed, what's the matter?

My ears are burning.
Someone's talking about me.

Maybe they're saying
nice things for a change.

According to my horoscope, I
shouldn't leave the barn today.

Oh, Ed, I'm surprised at you.

I didn't think you
believed in that stuff.

Well, they warned Julius Caesar,

and you know where he got it.

- Ed.
- Right in the labonza.

Relax. You got
nothing to worry about.

Oh, no?

If I were a cat, I'd
be up a tree now.

Oh, take it easy, Ed.

Wilbur, don't leave me today.

You're acting like a baby.

Well, I'm only seven
and a half years old.

You've got nothing
to worry about.

There is no safer place
in the world than a barn.

Wilbur, come on. We're late.

Wilbur.

I'm worried.

Now Kay overheard our
telephone conversation,

and still Carol hasn't
asked you to buy that car.

Well, what are
you worried about?

She knows what
my answer will be.

Good boy. Stick with it. I got
a string of pearls riding on you.

Those pearls will
never leave the oyster.

But Carol must know by
now that you tricked her.

It's just not natural for
a wife not to fight back.

I'm not worried. Carol
isn't the sneaky type.

That's what Samson said,

just before Delilah
reached for the scissors.

You're upsetting yourself
over nothing, believe me.

We can outwit our
wives. No, we can't.

They've got your horse
hitched to a carriage.

Whoa, Mr. Ed.

- What is all this, honey?
- Isn't it a great idea?

I thought we'd use
Mr. Ed for transportation.

Look, I've been
pulling this for two days.

Put a stop to it.

Well, it's not so bad.

The only thing I want
behind me is my tail.

Try to hold out
a little bit longer.

I think Carol's
starting to weaken.

Well, now, that's just fine.

I'm pulling a wagon,
and she's weakening.

- Shh. Uh-oh.
- Huh?

Oh.

Wilbur, I'm proud of you.

Kay hasn't even mentioned
those pearls in a couple of days.

That's great. But you know,
pulling this heavy wagon

is kind of hard on my horse.

Well, that's what he's for.
He's only a dumb animal.

He nearly stepped on me.

Come on, girls. It's a
lovely day for a ride.

Oh, my, I just can't wait

to go riding in that surrey.

Mama mia.

Well, up you go, Flobelle.

- All right.
- Here we go.

Uh-oh.

There we go.

Bye.

Help.

This is fun. Bye.

- Wilbur.
- Can't you see?

She's just trying to
get to me through you.

The innocent always suffer.

Give her the car.

Ed, it'll only last
for a few days.

You'll see. She'll give in.

I wasn't cut out for
work. I'm a playboy.

SPCA?

May I speak to the
Cruelty to Horses Division?

Hello, Mrs. Adams speaking.

Do you protect
poor, dumb horses?

We certainly do.

Do you know of one
that's being mistreated?

They're making him pull
an overloaded carriage

that the 20-Mule
Team couldn't pull.

Well, that is awful.

May I please have your name?

Oh, uh, just call
me an animal lover.

Well, would you give me

the name of the guilty party?

Well, I'm not a squealer,

but her name is Mrs. Post.

17230 Valley Road,
and please hurry.

This poor horse can't
talk like you and me.

Don't you worry.

I'll attend to this
personally this afternoon.

Thank you.

Honey?

Yeah?

Honey, would you
please hitch up Mr. Ed?

I'm expecting the
girls any minute now.

Where are you taking them today?

Oh, we haven't decided yet.

It's so much fun just
driving him around town.

Will that Flobelle
McGuire be going?

Of course.

Honey, she must weigh
at least 200 pounds.

220. Oh, and Flobelle
has a twin sister

who's going to join us today.

A twin... Is she... 230.

Hello, Flobelle?

We're all ready. We'll
be there in a few minutes.

Carol, listen.

Oh, excuse me, dear.

Carol, listen to me.

You are not gonna take
Ed out of the barn today.

He's been sneezing
and he looks tired.

But, dear, I'm only
doing it for you.

I'm Mrs. Adams of the SPCA.

- Are you Mrs. Post?
- Yes. Won't you
come in, please?

Thank you.

We have a complaint that
you've been abusing your horse.

- A complaint?
- Oh, but that's ridiculous.

My wife adores our
horse. Don't you, dear?

- Oh, yes, I adore him.
- Yeah.

May I see the horse, please?

- Now?
- Yeah, well, he's now having

his regular three-hour nap.

But we have some lovely
photographs of him in our album.

They're in color. Shows his
nice, healthy cheeks, rosy and all.

I'll get them for you.

Why, there he is,

with his head sticking
out of the barn door.

Believe me, Mrs. Adams,
my wife loves animals.

I know. She's been
married to me for three years.

Can I please see
the poor animal?

Oh, Wilbur.

Now look what you
got us into, huh?

Mrs. Adams, we would
never mistreat our horse.

What's wrong with him?

Uh, well, I told you,
he was taking his nap.

Let's tiptoe out of here.

Just a minute, please.

Uh, my wife just
fed him a big lunch.

He never nibbles between meals.

No horse ever
refuses sugar cubes.

He, uh... He never eats sugar.

Um, I mean, he likes apples.

Just Washington apples.

Well, he just won't eat a thing.

This horse is not well.

I don't understand it.

Honestly, Wilbur, we girls
never took him to the park.

We only took him a few
blocks from the house,

just to fool you.

Achoo!

Gesundheit, Ed.

I just don't understand
what's wrong with him.

I'll be back with a warrant

to take him away.

Mrs. Adams, I can
explain everything.

Mr. Ed has never
worked a day in his life.

The reason my wife
had him pull a carriage...

What's going on here?

Oh, Wilbur, I'm sorry I
started the whole thing.

You don't have to
buy me a new car.

Oh.

Your charger plate, my dear.

You. You're on your feet.

Well, she said she
was getting a warrant

to take me away.

So you were faking.

Yeah, everything
except this cold.

I wet my feet down myself
the other day to get it.

You mean you
deliberately caught cold

so you could get
Carol into trouble?

Well, when that
woman comes back,

you better tell her
the truth yourself.

Oh, I talk only to you.

Oh, no. You've outsmarted
yourself this time, Ed.

You'd better tell the truth
tomorrow to that woman,

or tomorrow you're gonna
be pulling a milk wagon.

Man, I thought I had
set up a perfect crime.

Well?

Okay.

I'll talk.

You'd better.

I'm a pretty sick horse,

and you're awfully mean to me.

Ah.

Oh, my aching back.

Now, now. Everything's
gonna be all right, honey.

But you still haven't told me.

How are you going to
convince Mrs. Adams

that I never mistreated Mr. Ed?

Uh... well...

Look, I was gonna
keep it a secret,

but Ed's gonna clear you.

Ed? How?

Well, I can't tell you now,

because you won't believe me.

But he'll do it, because you wouldn't
want to pull a milk wagon, either.

I'm in trouble, and
you're making up riddles.

Oh, Ed, this is gonna
be a great day for me.

Not only are you
gonna clear Carol,

but people are gonna find
out that I am not out of my mind,

because you can really talk.

Ed, you're not angry
with me, are you?

Well, why don't
you say something?

Ed, you haven't
changed your mind.

Well, why aren't
you talking to me?

Laryngitis?

But that means...
Ed, you've got to talk!

How? I don't know,

but, Ed, that lady will
be here soon, and...

We've got to make you
talk, or Carol will be in trouble.

Real trouble.

Open wide, Ed.

Try it again. Say, "Ahh."

No. Open.

Now, again. "Ahh."

No.

Well, let's take the tube,

and we'll try this
horse aspirin.

This'll fix you up.

No, I'm just gonna
put it in the tube, see?

Now into the mouth, and
I'm gonna blow on three.

Okay, ready? Open
wide. Open wide. That's it.

Open up. Ready? now.

One, two...

Very funny.

Now if I just add a
little Epsom salts.

Oh, now, it'll be all
right. Just stand still.

There. There we
go. All right, now.

There, you'll
feel fine. Attaboy.

Good boy.

Just stand still.

Whoa, there we go. One more,

and there we are.

Well, now how is that,
Ed? You feel better?

Hmm.

Let's just take your
temperature again.

Open up. Open up. Open wide.

Come on. Open up.

There. Now hold it.

Just hold it in now.

Just a few more seconds.

Your temperature
can't be that bad.

That's it.

Aren't you a little old
to be playing doctor?

Ed has laryngitis.

Oh? I suppose he told you that.

No, he wrote a note.

Good-bye, Wilbur. You
helped me win a bet,

but I think you suffered a
nervous breakdown in doing it.

Ah, you're coming
back to normal.

Aren't you glad I
sprayed your throat?

Mmm, that pill. Whew.

Well, I don't
understand it, Mrs. Post.

I checked on you
in the neighborhood,

and you seem to
enjoy a fine reputation.

Believe me, Mrs. Adams, I
would never harm our horse.

But he looked so ill
when I saw him yesterday.

Mrs. Adams, before
you do a thing,

we've got to have a little talk.

It's too late for
that, Mr. Post.

It's very obvious the
animal is unhappy here.

He seems like a
different animal.

Believe me, he loves my wife.

He loves her more than I do.

I promise you, Mrs. Adams,

I'll never hitch Mr. Ed
to a wagon again.

She won't have to...
with her own new car.

Wilbur!

Well, I guess you are
happy here, anyway.

It's a Washington apple.

Oh, it's beautiful,
just beautiful!

Oh, thanks again, honey.

Me? All you have to do is ask.

What a nice husband.

Walking's for the birds.

I gotta buy myself
a car someday.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

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