Mister Ed (1958–1966): Season 1, Episode 18 - Psychoanalyst Show - full transcript

Wilbur tries everything from hypnosis to psychiatry in order to cure Ed of his fear of heights.

Hello.

I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the
answer that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

I receive so many
letters from you girls,



and the letters go like this.

Dear Jack LaLanne,
will you please show us

something to firm up the hips?

All right. I want you to
lie on your side. Face me.

Then I want you to lift
your leg up high as you can.

Uh-oh.

Ready? Begin.

One and two.

That's it. And higher and down.

Up, down, and rest.

One, two. That
was fine. Perfect.

Mm-hmm.

We're going to be
standing on our feet.

Everyone get up.
Come on, everyone up.



That's it. Up, up, up.

We always have
somebody that's a slow one.

So?

The next exercise is
dedicated to all of you

who want to have
a lovelier neck.

That's for me.

Let's all begin together.

Ready, go.

One, two.

That's it. Slowly. Up and
down and around. That's it.

And one, and two.

Great.

That feels good.

The next exercise is
to firm up the waistline,

so you can look much
nicer in your clothes.

Gee.

Right, then to the left.

Go with me. Ready? Begin.

One, two, one, two.

Swing it, Jack.

One, two. Get way out.

And swing.

Feel the waistline
tightening up?

One, two.

Out, in.

One, two, one, two.

One, two.

Ed, you and this television set.

Aw, Wilbur.

You left it on again last night.

I fell asleep.

That's no excuse.

Get me a remote control
and it won't happen.

Remote control. Huh!

Next thing you'll be asking
for is a color television.

Oh, no. I may be a
horse, but I'm not a pig.

Dishes. Just no end.

In our house, my
husband does them.

Kay, you're always joking.

I've been in your house
when you did the dishes.

Yeah, but that's only on the nights
when my husband does the cooking.

Hello, girls.

Oh, say, hi Wilbur.

I'm glad you came in.

Will you do me a great favor?

You can have anything I've got.

My horse, my house, my mortgage.

That's exactly what I want.

Our mortgage?

Now that's what I call
being a good neighbor.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'd like to borrow
Mr. Ed for this Saturday.

Oh, you want to
take him for a ride?

Me? I wouldn't ride a horse

if he came with
white wall tires.

No, it's for my
little niece Peggy.

Oh, is she feeling any better?

Quite a bit. You know, I got
a letter from her this morning,

and she wants more
than anything else

to ride Mr. Ed again.

Oh, sure. When's
she coming to town?

Well, she can't leave
Mountain Springs for a while.

She's still recuperating.

So I guess we'll just have
to take Mr. Ed up to see her.

Oh, honey, can we?

It's all right with me.

I don't think Ed has anything
planned for the weekend.

Ah, thanks, Wilbur.

Killings, shootings, violence.

Is this for our children?

You know something, Ed?

We're going to see
little Peggy again.

Ah, swell.

When is she coming over?

Well, she's at Mountain Springs,

still recuperating.

We're going up there.

Mountain Springs?

How high is that?

Oh, it's about 3,000 feet.

No, no, the deal's off.

Why?

I've got acrophobia.

Acrophobia?

That's a fear of high places.

I know what it is,

but I didn't know horses
could be afraid of heights.

Why not? We're human.

Well, Mountain Springs
is only 3,000 feet.

Please. I get dizzy when
I look down my nose.

Ed, it's for little Peggy.

Don't you want to help her?

Sure, but let's face it, Wilbur.

I'm yellow.

Ed.

I don't want to talk
about it anymore.

My horse is chicken.

That's right.

Ed, I promised Kay that we'd go
to Mountain Springs this weekend

to see her niece.

Oh, a fine thing.

All the favors that
I've done for you,

and this is the
way you repay me.

All right, you can
just forget about

that remote control
set, buddy boy...

Wilbur, to whom are you talking?

Myself. Didn't you
ever talk to yourself?

Not since I've been married.

Are you all right?

Never better.

Look, about little Peggy...

I just talked with
her on the phone.

Wilbur, you have no idea
what a wonderful thing

you are doing for that child.

Just the idea of
seeing Mr. Ed again

has filled that child's
heart with happiness.

Yeah. Well, Roger, I'm afraid

you're going to have to
get yourself another horse.

Ed can't make it this Saturday.

He can't make it? Why?

Is anything wrong with him?

Well, I...

Got a sore foot.

Peggy is going to be
terribly disappointed.

I'd better tell Kay.

Oh, no, I just
haven't got the heart

to call that child and
tell her the bad news.

I don't understand it.

When I saw Mr. Ed this morning,
he seemed perfectly all right.

Why don't we rent another horse?

Peggy would never
know the difference.

Oh, of course she would.

It's very hard to
fool a little girl.

Kay, Kay, I'm sorry.

If it would help any, I'd
throw a saddle on my back

and let Peggy ride me.

It's not your fault, Wilbur.

After all, if the horse...

Well, your horse seems to have
made a remarkable recovery.

Yeah, well, Ed suffers
from a chronic broken leg.

I mean, it comes and goes.

Well, I might as
well tell you the truth.

Ed's got acrophobia.

- Acrophobia?
- What?

Yeah, that's a fear of heights.

Runs in the family.

Wilbur, you've been
talking very strangely today.

- Do you feel all right?
- I feel fine.

He just invented that story so he
wouldn't have to lend us his horse.

Oh, but Wilbur, you promised.

Honey, I'm sorry.

Acrophobia.

You know, I'm beginning to
develop a case of neighborphobia.

Come, dear.

Indian giver.

You believe me, don't you?

Of course I believe
you're an Indian giver.

Ed, I think I've got it.

The answer to your
problem is hypnotism.

You see, Ed, you're
suffering from a phobia.

Would you stop chewing those
carrots when I'm talking to you?

You ain't hypnotizing
me, Svengali.

I'm just going to put
you into a little trance,

and then make a few
post-hypnotic suggestions

to your subconscious.

I got a better suggestion.

Give me back my carrot.

Yeah.

Now just do as I say now.

Watch the watch.

Now you're getting sleepy.

Sleepy.

Sleepy.

Your eyes are getting heavy.

You... are... asleep.

♪ Rock-a-bye baby ♪

Now cut that out.

Ed, don't you want to
lick this height phobia

and help that little girl?

Okay, I won't horse around.

Okay, now don't talk at all.

Just make your mind
a complete blank.

This is ridiculous.

Relax.

You are getting sleepy.

Sleepy.

Sleepy.

Uh-oh.

Keep your eye on the
nice new watch now.

Wilbur, what are you doing?

Huh? Oh.

Uh... Oh, I was...
just winding my watch.

Why don't you wind it
with that little knob on top?

Oh, well, I got tired
of winding it that way.

I thought I'd just break
the monotony of...

winding my watch.

Wilbur, do you feel all right?

Of course I feel all right.
Why do you always ask that?

Lunch will be ready
in a few minutes.

Thank you, honey.

Well, he certainly has
been acting rather odd.

Now, Carol, I don't
want to worry you,

but I caught Wilbur talking
to himself earlier today.

Yeah, and that business about
his horse having acrophobia.

And now, waving
his watch to wind it.

Roger, maybe there's something
on his mind that he can't tell me.

Will you please
have a talk with him?

Why, of course.
Now don't you worry.

Everything is going to be
all right. Just leave it to me.

Thank you, Roger.

Don't bother.

What do you think, doll?

I think some psychiatrist can
start warming up his couch.

Maybe he does need psychiatry.

Why don't you suggest it to him?

I will, but I'll have
to be very subtle.

You know those who need
help most usually resist.

Their id is in a
continual state of turmoil.

But I'll try.

Attaboy, Sigmund.

Well, winding your watch, I see.

Uh... uh, yeah. Yes.

Oh, that reminds me.

I forgot to wind mine.

Wilbur, I need your advice.

Oh, yeah?

What can I do for you?

Well, um, it concerns
a friend of mine.

He's been under a good
deal of tension lately,

and he's acting
rather strangely.

I was wondering what
I could do to help him.

- How about a doctor?
- Psychiatrist. An excellent suggestion.

You know, there's a
time in every man's life

when he needs outside help

to get rid of his
neuroses and phobias.

Phobias.

I know just the
doctor for my friend.

Well, look, I, uh...

I have a friend who
has that kind of problem.

Would you give me your
doctor's name and address?

Oh, why, sure. Of course. Yes.

Well.

Here. Write it down.

Why... Y-y-yeah, sure. Yeah.

Why are you
writing with a carrot?

Well, don't you always
write with a carrot?

No, no. I... I use a pencil.

You better get a hold
of yourself, Roger.

Psychiatry.

I'm sure my friend
will appreciate this.

Uh, yes. Uh... Here.

Thanks, Rog.

I'm worried about him, Ed.

He was trying to
write with a carrot.

Oh, well.

Dr. Bruce Gordon.

- Wilbur.
- Yeah?

No head-shrinkers for me.

Sure, Ed.

Hello. Dr. Bruce Gordon?

Well, this is Wilbur Post.

Roger Addison
recommended you to me.

Roger, it's him.

Yes, Mr. Post. What
can I do for you?

I'd like an appointment.

All right, Mr. Post. When
would be convenient?

Well, could you come to my barn?

Your barn?

Yeah. I'd come to your office,

but my horse won't
ride in the elevator.

He's in big trouble.

Your horse?

Yes, he's the patient.
He's afraid of heights.

This is a classic case.

He says he has a horse
that has a fear of heights.

So that's it.

Wilbur has acrophobia, and
he's afraid to let anyone know.

That's why he canceled
his trip to the mountains.

That's the least of his worries.

Uh, I don't usually
make barn calls, Mr. Post.

But since you're
a friend of Roger's,

I'll... I'll accommodate you.

Thank you, Doctor.

Can you be here at 2:00 sharp?

Yes.

You see, my wife goes
to the beauty parlor,

so my horse and I
will be expecting you.

Good-bye.

Uh, good-bye.

Bruce, you're doing
me a great favor.

You're doing me a greater favor.

Why, this ought to
get me the lead article

in The Psychiatric Journal.

A horse. Interesting.

Well, Ed, Dr. Gordon
will be here at 2:00.

You're wasting your time.

I don't talk to
anybody except you.

Ed, please.

Don't worry. I've
thought of that.

I'm gonna make the doctor
believe that I am the patient.

How? We don't look alike.

Here's my plan.

The doctor will
go into my office.

I'll go into the stall with you.

Behind closed doors,
he'll think he's talking to me.

He will be, 'cause I
ain't gonna be there.

Ed, please.

Please, Ed. Little Peggy.

This dear little
girl is recuperating,

and she wants to see you.

Now, Ed, you want
to help her, don't you?

Okay, okay.

Stop with the
hearts and flowers.

Why don't we go
into your office,

Mr. Post?

I don't want my
horse to hear this.

Oh.

What if he did?

Then he wouldn't talk.

I see. Your horse talks.

Well, that's what
I want to tell you.

You see, you're going to
be the only other person

who knows that he does.

Good. Good.

I'm honored, but
let's get started.

I have a long paper to
write when this is over.

This way.

Now, Doctor, you
go into my office,

and I'll go into the stall,

and the next voice
you hear will be mine.

We're all set, Ed.

Okay, Doctor. I'm
ready when you are.

Now, Mr. Post, I
want you just to relax

and tell me all about yourself.

Now what is your
earliest recollection?

Uh, at birth, I
weighed 68 pounds.

68 pounds?

Yep. I was an incubator baby.

About your acrophobia, Mr. Post,

when did the first
syndrome manifest itself?

Make him talk English.

He wants to know
when your phobia started.

Oh. Why didn't he say so?

It's a family curse.

It, uh, started when
my great-grandfather

fell off a cliff.

How did that happen?

He was chasing a filly.

She made a sudden stop.

Va-va-va-voom!

Good-bye, Grandpa.

Yes, yes. Uh, go on.

After your grandfather
fell off the cliff,

what happened?

Well, it kinda knocked the
wind out of that romance.

How old was your
grandfather at the time?

Uh, nine years old.

Uh, Mr. Post, I think we've
had enough for one day.

Will you come out now, please?

Doctor, before you go,
may I ask you one question?

Well, certainly.

Doctor, how do you
overcome this fear of heights?

Well, we overcome a phobia
by doing the thing we fear.

Oh. You mean,

by forcing yourself to
climb to a high place,

you might conquer this fear?

- Precisely.
- Louder.

Precisely.

Thank you, Doctor.

I'll walk you to your car.

What do you think, Doctor?

It's amazing.

This will make medical history.

You don't know
what a relief it is

to know that somebody else
besides me knows that my horse talks.

Fantastic case of schizophrenia.

Mr. Post, you are part
architect, part horse.

Well, I've been...

No, no. That's my
horse that was talking.

Doc, you gotta believe me.

Just relax.

The first step toward recovery
is knowing your illness.

I'm not sick.

Of course not. Of course not.

Now about your next appointment.

I don't need any
appointment. It's him.

Shall we say tomorrow?
In your stall or in my office?

It's not "my" stall.

I'm not a horse.

Good!

You see? You're
improving already.

Well, see you tomorrow.

Uh, don't call
us. We'll call you.

You heard what the doctor said.

The only way to lick
your fear of heights

is by going up to a high place.

You'll have to carry me.

I'll think of something.

Honey, how about a kiss?

Well...

How high are we?

Oh, just a few feet.

How much is "a few"?

Well, why don't you
take a look for yourself?

No, no, no!

Ed, you are a coward.

We've already established that.

Come one, Ed. Look.

Can't. I'm in a trance.

Ed, come on. Take a look.

Fred, somebody's watching us.

I'll be right back, Bernice.

Come on. One little peek.

Hey, fella, what are
you? A peeping tom?

I beg your pardon?

- How long you gonna be here?
- Just a few minutes.

Well, hurry it up, will you?

Why didn't you belt him one?

Ed, you're being obvious.

You're just trying
to cause trouble

so he'll chase us away from here,
and you won't have to look down.

Come on, Bernice.

No. Not here.

That's telling him, Bernice.

Ed, be quiet.

You're getting me in trouble.

Well, are you taking me down?

Not until you look
over the edge.

Come on, Bernice.

Don't kiss that slob, Ber...

You're really a
joker, aren't you?

- No, no. That wasn't me.
- Now listen.

I'm gonna tell you just once.

Beat it.

Make me, fatso.

Okay, buddy. You asked for it.

Shall I call the boys, Wilbur?

Uh, yeah.

Fella's looking for trouble.
Gonna round up the whole gang.

They're just around the bend.

Now, look. Take it easy,
will you? Just forget it.

Forget it!

Okay, Ed. You win.

Let's go home.

Hey, Wilbur, look.

The San Fernando Valley.

Ed, you're looking down there.

You beat the phobia.

Yeah. What do you know?

Ed, you're gonna
make a certain little girl

very happy tomorrow.

- Uh, Wilbur?
- What?

Has horse ever
climbed the Matterhorn?

Not yet.

Wilbur, wasn't
it worth the trip,

just seeing Peggy's face
light up when she saw Mr. Ed?

Yeah. Maybe we'll go up
there again next week, huh?

Honey, I'm so glad
you're your old self again.

Well, licking my fear of
heights had a lot to do with it.

I'm so proud of you, darling.

- Don't be too long, now.
- Be right with you.

Ed, this has been
such an exciting day,

I doubt if I'll be
able to sleep tonight.

Uh, buddy boy, look in my eyes.

You're getting sleepy.

Sleepy... Sleepy...

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

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