Mister Ed (1958–1966): Season 1, Episode 14 - Pine Lake Lodge - full transcript
Wilbur and Carol head out to Pine Lake Lodge for a little rest and relaxation, leaving Ed at home.
[whinnies]
Hello, I'm Mister Ed.
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪
♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪
♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪
♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪
♪ He'll give you the answer ♪
♪ That you'll endorse ♪
♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪
♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪
Ed.
You don't have to do that.
I don't mind.
My mother said, "If you
don't keep a place clean,
it gets to look like a stable."
Well, Ed, I've got news for you.
Uh-oh.
Carol and I have decided
to spend a few days
up at Bill Parker's
lodge in the mountains.
I need a change.
Oh, so do I.
I'll pack a few things and
meet you kids out front.
[humming theme song]
Ed, we're not leaving yet,
and we can't take
you along anyway.
Now, wait a minute, Wilbur.
You always tell me
I'm one of the family.
Is that right?
Sure.
Then how come every
time you take a trip
I suddenly become a horse again?
Stop talking like a baby.
Well...
Roger is going to feed
you and take care of you
until we get back.
Big deal.
That old sour puss hates me.
He does not.
Okay, so I hate him.
Please take me along, Wilbur.
I've never gone fishing.
Fishing?
Who ever heard
of a horse fishing?
Oh, if you're going
to bring that up,
who ever heard
of a horse talking?
Please take me along.
I'm a little tired of being
cooped up in this old stable.
Where would you expect to live?
Well, this is America,
where even a horse can dream
of living in the White House.
Pine Lake Lodge.
Oh, I bet the weather
is beautiful there.
[thunder]
[phone rings]
I'll get it, Martha.
Pine Lake Lodge, Bill
Parker, proprietor speaking.
Wilber Post!
How are you, Wilbur?
Great.
Thinking of coming up?
Fine.
The weather?
[thunder]
Couldn't be more beautiful.
Oh, of course have your
wife bring her bathing suit.
She'll need it.
Reservations?
Just a minute, Wilbur.
Martha, we got any empty rooms?
14 of them.
Yeah, we got... I mean,
we can just squeeze you in.
We'll be expecting you.
Fine.
"Just squeeze you in."
"The weather couldn't
be more beautiful."
Tell me, Mr. Parker,
how do you make
up things like that?
Martha, I'm a very truthful man.
And as soon as
Mr. Post registers,
I'll tell him the truth.
That I lied.
Oh, honey, I'm so
glad I finally got you
to go away for a weekend.
The rest will do
you a world of good.
- Come on. Let's go.
- Okay.
Are you going to
carry that with you?
Yeah, uh-huh.
Honey, I better go see
if Mister Ed's all right.
Hurry, Wilbur, or
we'll get stuck in traffic.
Don't worry.
S.P.C.A.?
I want to report a
neglected horse.
His owners are leaving
him for the weekend
in a cold, drafty stall.
[coughs]
Hear him coughing?
The name of the guilty party?
Well, it's Wilbur... Ed,
what are you doing?
I'm calling the bureau
of missing horses.
Why?
The minute you go, I'm
leaving this chicken outfit.
Look, I tried to explain to
you, we can't take you along.
Hm, you're taking your wife.
Well, that's different.
We're married.
You mean because I'm
single I'm staying home?
Ed, cheer up.
I told you the Addisons
are going to look after you.
Now, you just read your books.
See you Monday.
Oh, uh, Wilbur?
Huh?
Drive carefully.
You're all I have.
Mushy.
Oh, Martha,
Wilbur and Carol Post
are checking in today.
Did you change
the linen in room 12?
What for? Nobody's
used it for three years.
Hey, what's this about a town
meeting here this morning?
Well, Ida Brenner's trying
to raise some more money
for the children's camp.
[Martha] Hm, you better
keep your Uncle Bill away.
He's probably still paying
off the pledges from last year.
You're so right.
But don't worry. I sent
him off fishing an hour ago.
By the time he gets
back... He is back.
Uncle Bill!
You said you were going fishing.
That's right. After the meeting.
But, Uncle Bill...
Now, Annie, you haven't
got a thing to worry about.
I won't open my mouth.
I'll just sit there
quietly in the front row.
And why can't you just sit
there quietly in the back row?
Because nobody can
hear me from there.
[applause]
Thank you.
Thank you for you
contribution, Mr. Finiley.
Well, some of you have
donated very generously
to our Pine Lake summer camp.
But we still need
$350 if those children
are going to have their
tables and benches.
Now, won't somebody volunteer
to donate just a small
part of the money?
Please, friends.
How about someone
who hasn't contributed yet?
How about starting
it off with $25?
Uh... Will somebody
please raise his hand?
Oh, come, neighbors.
Remember, this is
a very worthy cause.
How about $15?
Friends, we have to have
$350 for the tables and benches.
Oh, won't somebody
help raise the fund?
I can't raise my hands,
but I'll raise the money, y'all.
Oh!
[applause]
I knew we could depend
on you, Bill Parker.
Yeah, I'll get all the
furniture those children need.
You can depend on me, Ida.
Well, if you say so Bill,
that's good enough for me.
Meeting's adjourned.
[chatter]
Well, you did it
again, Big Daddy.
Look, Annie, I've got
everything all figured out.
I'll do the work and Dave
Miller will donate the lumber.
It won't cost a cent.
[chuckles]
And just what makes you so
sure he'll donate the lumber?
Because I know Dave Miller.
That man's got a heart of gold.
When he hears
about those poor kids,
he'll turn over his
whole lumberyard to me.
Hello, Elsie, get me Dave
Miller at the lumberyard.
Oh, you better fix up
the room for the Posts.
They'll be here at 3 o'clock.
Yes, chief.
The lumber is as good
as in my workshop.
Hello, Dave.
Bill Parker.
Yeah, I'm fine, Dave.
Say, Dave, look,
I just volunteered to
build some furniture
for the summer camp,
and I thought maybe
you'd like to contribute to...
A few hundred
board feet of pine.
But, Dave, it's for
those poor kids.
Look, Dave, you were
a kid once yourself.
The stingiest kid in town
and you haven't changed a bit.
[grumbling]
Let's see, 40 kids...
That's about 1,200
feet of lumber.
50 cents a foot... That's $600.
Where am I going to get $600?
[Milo] Hello, Bill.
Oh, hello, Milo.
Beautiful day, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah, it sure is, money.
I mean, Milo.
Here, sit down.
Let me dust off a place for you.
Sit right down there. That's it.
Thank you, Bill.
Have any luck? Catch anything?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Caught this.
Oh, by yiminy, that's a beauty.
- Yeah, it's all yours.
- Oh, no, no.
Oh, I insist.
- I couldn't.
- Milo, it's yours.
Thank you.
This is very
generous of you, Bill.
Oh, generous. Look
who's calling me generous.
Milo, I would say that you are
about the most generous
man in these parts.
Oh, no, you don't.
I heard all about you offering
to give that summer camp
all the benches and chairs.
You open your mouth
and now you're trying
to put my foot in it.
Forget it. You're right.
It's my problem, not yours.
Yeah.
I'll figure out a way
to get that wood.
Don't worry. I'll...
- Milo...
- Huh?
You know, there's enough
wood in one of those trees
to furnish three summer camps.
Yeah, but you don't think
that old skin-trilling Thompson
is going to give
it to you, do you?
Uh, fat chance of that.
- But, Milo...
- Huh?
Suppose by some act of nature,
one of those trees
suddenly... fell over.
And would that act
of nature maybe be
one man with a saw?
No, two men with a saw.
No, no, one man
with a saw. Good-bye.
No, no, Milo, wait a minute.
No, no, sit down, Milo.
I'll think of something
Pardon me, gentlemen.
I'm taking pictures for
my birdwatchers group.
Have you seen a speckled-coated
sparrow around here?
Lady, can you handle
a two-man saw?
I beg your pardon?
Then, the bird went that way.
Bill, you will never get
anybody to help you.
Oh, don't be too sure.
Wilbur Post will be
checking in in about an hour.
Oh, forget about it, Bill.
He will never help you chop
down a tree that don't belong to you.
Milo, you know it
don't belong to me.
I know it don't belong to me.
Now, if this fish will
keep his little trap shut,
Wilbur will never know, will he?
No.
[chuckles]
Inn keeper, food and
drink for the weary traveler.
Oh, it's good to see you.
Hello, and it's so
good to see you.
Oh, Wilbur.
And Cindy, my, how you've grown.
Can I have a kiss?
Can I have a penny?
Cindy, little girls don't
ask men for pennies.
That's right.
They grow up, marry
them, and then take it all.
[Bill] Wilbur!
Bill!
- Carol.
- Hello, Bill.
Well, it's about time
you two got here.
We would've got here sooner,
but we got stuck in
the beautiful weather.
Oh, yeah. Well,
it's cleared up now.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, Bill's got the whole
weekend planned for you, Wilbur.
Yeah, you know, the first thing
you're going to do tomorrow morning?
Yeah, sleep until noon.
This is strictly a
rest cure for me, Bill.
I'm going to plant myself
in that old rocking chair
and let the fat grow.
Now, you've got a pretty good
start on that garden right now.
Oh. Honey, will you get
the bags from the car?
I'll help you, Wilbur.
Come on, I'll show
you to your room.
Wonderful.
Ah, there's nothing like
this clean mountain air.
Yeah, that and a little exercise
and you'll be all better again.
Better again?
Well, what's wrong with me now?
Oh, nothing.
For the shape you're
in, you look fine.
But look at me.
For years now, I haven't
had a pain or an ache
since I've been doing
my special exercises.
Special exercises?
Yeah, my secret to long life.
As soon as I get you
unpacked, I'll show it to you.
It's something that every
man right in his own backyard.
Come on, boy.
Are you sure this is
the secret to a long life?
Guarantee.
Right.
I feel like 70 already.
Aw, you look fine, boy.
You've lost all that paleness.
You got a nice red color.
Keep sawing. We're almost done.
Wait till I tell
Carol about this.
Uh, you better not tell anyone.
I just remembered something.
What's that?
What we're doing,
it's a federal offense.
Well, as long as it
builds up your muscles.
A federal offense?
Timber!
Good work, Wilbur.
Now all we have to
do is saw it in sections.
What do you mean
it's a federal offense?
Oh, that's only in
case we get caught.
- Okay...
- No, no, wait.
A Forest Ranger truck. Duck!
Secret to long life.
We better get going.
It's getting shorter
every second.
Come on.
No. No!
[phone rings]
Hello.
Oh, yes, Ann.
Yeah, I'll take the call.
Hello.
Hello, Wilbur.
Ed, it's nice to
hear your voice.
How do you feel?
I don't want to worry you,
but I've lost 50 or 60 pounds.
Ed, will you stop it?
I just talked to the Addisons
on the phone yesterday,
and I happen to know
you're being very well fed.
Well, that's a big lie.
They've been giving
my food to their cat.
The Addisons' cat eats hay?
Doesn't everybody?
Look, Ed, we'll be
home tomorrow,
so you behave yourself.
Can I watch the Late
Late Show tonight?
Yeah, you can stay up and
watch the Late Late Show,
but please don't play
that TV set too loud.
Goodbye, Wilbur.
Goodbye, Ed.
Poor Wilbur.
He's been sleeping
all afternoon.
He really is tired.
The rest is going to
do him a lot of good.
Oh, that's exactly
what I told him today,
"Take it easy."
I said, "Wilbur,
the secret to long
life is relaxation."
Just don't exercise.
That can kill you.
Where's Jerry?
Has he found the man who
chopped down that tree?
Oh, butterfingers.
Not yet, but when
he called before,
he was furious.
Boy, I'd hate to be
the man who did it.
Yeah, me, too.
Jerry said that Mr. Thompson...
He owns the property...
He's fit to be tied.
When he catches that criminal,
he's going to prosecute
to the fullest extent.
Uh, and how full can that be?
A thousand dollars
fine and a year in jail.
That's pretty full.
[sighs]
Well, hello, Milo.
- Bill, Bill...
- What's the matter?
I just heard about what
happened yesterday.
Only a lunatic
would have cut that tree down.
Now, just a minute, Milo,
what makes you think I
had anything to do with it?
Because yesterday
you said you would,
and today the tree is down,
so unless I walk in
my sleep, you did it.
Milo, we live in a democracy
where every man is
innocent until proven guilty,
and you're looking at
the most innocent man
that ever cut down a tree.
Bill, I am ashamed of you.
Oh, stop looking at me
like you were Joyce Kilmer.
What has she got to do with it?
When they catch you,
they are going to
throw you in "yail," and...
Here comes Mr. Thompson.
Look, you got a
guilty look about you.
You're liable to give me away.
Go on, scat. Get
yourself some coffee.
Go ahead.
Well, hello, Mr. Thompson.
[chuckles nervously]
Beautiful day, huh?
Is it?
Is Ranger Moffett back yet?
He's going to meet me here.
Well, Jerry should be back soon.
Why don't you pull
up a chair on the porch
and make yourself
comfortable, Mr. Thompson?
Come on. There we are.
Sit right down there.
That's it.
Too bad about
that tree yesterday.
Ain't the sort of thing
that anybody around here
would ever do.
No, sir, we're all tree lovers
around her, you know?
As a matter of fact,
the sight of a man with an ax
sets my blood to...
Would you like a cup of
coffee, Mr. Thompson?
No.
Wish Moffett would get here.
I'm anxious to find out
what he learned
from that witness.
Well, he's probably... witness?
That's right.
Some woman staying
at Snowflake Inn
claimed that she was
hiking through the forest,
and she saw these two men.
She did?
And what's more...
She says she can
positively identify
one of them.
Which one, the young
one or the old one?
What's that?
Uh, I-I mean,
w-well, these kind of
crooks always work in pairs,
a young one and an old one.
It's, uh...
The young one sort of
learns the tricks of the trade
from the old one.
It's, uh...
learn-while-you-earn... plan.
Well, anyway, she said he
was a young-looking man
with sandy-colored hair
and a bright Hawaiian shirt.
Have you seen anybody
like that around here?
Oh, no.
No, there was...
Well, now that you mention it,
there was a coconut salesman
pass through here
on his way to Honolulu.
[muttering]
Sorry to keep you
waiting, Mr. Thompson.
Oh, never mind that.
What did you find
out from the woman?
We're in luck, Mr. Thompson.
She took a picture of
the guys running away.
I rushed the film right over
to Devry's Camera Shop.
He's going to call me
the minute it's developed.
- Fine...
- Um, Mr. Thompson, Jerry...
I got something to tell you.
We better go inside.
Well, why?
Well, I got a feeling
I'm going to have to get used
to being inside for about a year.
Wilbur. Wilbur?
Wilbur... Wilbur, we're cooked.
What's going on, Bill?
Wilbur and me, we got
a confession to make.
We cut down the old pine.
- You did?
- Yup.
D-Don't believe him.
He's delirious.
He must have
been hit on the head
when the tree fell.
It's no use, Wilbur, no.
I always believe
in telling the truth...
once you get caught.
Some woman
snapped a picture of us.
Mommy, Mommy, Uncle
Bill's in trouble again!
Well, Moffett, what
are you waiting for?
- Arrest them.
- [phone rings]
Hello.
Yes, Mr. Devry.
You did?
That picture will be
all the proof I need.
Well, okay. Thanks.
I'm afraid you don't have
any proof, Mr. Thompson.
The film was underexposed.
You mean it didn't come out?
Nope.
Well, we don't need
that picture anyway.
We still have his confession.
You mean to say you believe
hat cock-and-bull
story I told before?
Wilbur, we sure had them
going for a while, didn't we?
Yeah! I could hardly
keep a straight face.
[both laughing hysterically]
You old son-of-a-gun, you.
Wait a minute. What's that?
Hawaiian shirt... Just
like that woman said.
What have you got
to say about that?
Aloha?
[inaudible]
Uncle Bill, what's
Cindy talking about?
What's the trouble?
- Well, it seems...
- Come one, Moffett.
Let's not waste any more time.
Place those men under arrest,
and I'll profer charges.
Here, call the Sheriff.
Harry, don't you dare.
Now, just a minute.
[slams phone down]
I'll admit that I'm guilty,
but Wilbur had
nothing to do with it.
He just came up here for a rest.
Well, if I have my way,
he can have a nice long one.
Mr. Thomson...
cutting down your
tree was wrong,
but the motive
behind it was right.
How do you figure that?
Well, you see, Bill was
going to use that lumber
to build benches and chairs
for the summer camp.
40 kids will be coming
up here, Mr. Thompson,
youngsters who never
had a chance in life.
This camp is one
of the nicest things
that could ever happen to them.
All Bill wants to do
is make that possible.
That's the truth.
I know trees are expensive,
but suppose we
personally pay for it?
I can let you have
a hundred dollars.
And we're willing to chip in.
I got $87 laying in the bank.
It's just collecting dust.
You can take my piggybank.
You needed lumber, why
didn't you ask me for it?
Because everybody knows
you're a greed, old skinflint.
Gosh, I wish you had put
it to him a different way.
Well, it's true.
He's never contributed one
skinny dime for the camp.
I didn't even know about it.
If somebody had
bothered to tell me,
I might have considered
making a donation.
Well, you've still got
time, Mr. Thompson,
and it's deductible.
Well, all right, you
can have the tree.
Now, who's a
greedy, old skinflint?
Mr. Thompson, I take back
every nasty thing I ever
said about you in the past.
And that includes
anything I might
say in the future.
You're all right, Mr. Thompson.
I had you pegged for a good Joe
the minute I laid eyes on you.
Take your coconut-picking
hands off me.
- Parker.
- Yes, sir.
Don't let me ever catch
you touching one of my trees.
Oh, no, sir, no, sir.
Well, Uncle Bill,
I hope this has
taught you a lesson.
Oh, it certainly has, Annie.
You don't ever have to
worry about me again.
By golly, I think he means it.
I sure do.
Wilbur, what do you say?
Let's you and me go
fishing tomorrow, huh?
Okay, where?
I know a great spot over
on Thompson's property.
- Hmm?
- No.
Ed, I'm home!
Beg your pardon, stranger?
Oh, Ed, oh, I really
missed you, old boy.
Yeah, then why didn't you write?
Telegram? A postcard?
Well, to tell you the truth, Ed,
I... I got sort of involved.
A phone call then.
It was a long distance.
So what?
I would have been glad
to accept the charges.
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪
♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪
♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪
♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪
♪ He'll give you the answer ♪
♪ That you'll endorse ♪
♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪
♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪
♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪
♪ And waste your time of day ♪
♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪
♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪
♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪
♪ Well, listen to this ♪
[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪
[Man] This has been a
Filmways television presentation.
Hello, I'm Mister Ed.
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪
♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪
♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪
♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪
♪ He'll give you the answer ♪
♪ That you'll endorse ♪
♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪
♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪
Ed.
You don't have to do that.
I don't mind.
My mother said, "If you
don't keep a place clean,
it gets to look like a stable."
Well, Ed, I've got news for you.
Uh-oh.
Carol and I have decided
to spend a few days
up at Bill Parker's
lodge in the mountains.
I need a change.
Oh, so do I.
I'll pack a few things and
meet you kids out front.
[humming theme song]
Ed, we're not leaving yet,
and we can't take
you along anyway.
Now, wait a minute, Wilbur.
You always tell me
I'm one of the family.
Is that right?
Sure.
Then how come every
time you take a trip
I suddenly become a horse again?
Stop talking like a baby.
Well...
Roger is going to feed
you and take care of you
until we get back.
Big deal.
That old sour puss hates me.
He does not.
Okay, so I hate him.
Please take me along, Wilbur.
I've never gone fishing.
Fishing?
Who ever heard
of a horse fishing?
Oh, if you're going
to bring that up,
who ever heard
of a horse talking?
Please take me along.
I'm a little tired of being
cooped up in this old stable.
Where would you expect to live?
Well, this is America,
where even a horse can dream
of living in the White House.
Pine Lake Lodge.
Oh, I bet the weather
is beautiful there.
[thunder]
[phone rings]
I'll get it, Martha.
Pine Lake Lodge, Bill
Parker, proprietor speaking.
Wilber Post!
How are you, Wilbur?
Great.
Thinking of coming up?
Fine.
The weather?
[thunder]
Couldn't be more beautiful.
Oh, of course have your
wife bring her bathing suit.
She'll need it.
Reservations?
Just a minute, Wilbur.
Martha, we got any empty rooms?
14 of them.
Yeah, we got... I mean,
we can just squeeze you in.
We'll be expecting you.
Fine.
"Just squeeze you in."
"The weather couldn't
be more beautiful."
Tell me, Mr. Parker,
how do you make
up things like that?
Martha, I'm a very truthful man.
And as soon as
Mr. Post registers,
I'll tell him the truth.
That I lied.
Oh, honey, I'm so
glad I finally got you
to go away for a weekend.
The rest will do
you a world of good.
- Come on. Let's go.
- Okay.
Are you going to
carry that with you?
Yeah, uh-huh.
Honey, I better go see
if Mister Ed's all right.
Hurry, Wilbur, or
we'll get stuck in traffic.
Don't worry.
S.P.C.A.?
I want to report a
neglected horse.
His owners are leaving
him for the weekend
in a cold, drafty stall.
[coughs]
Hear him coughing?
The name of the guilty party?
Well, it's Wilbur... Ed,
what are you doing?
I'm calling the bureau
of missing horses.
Why?
The minute you go, I'm
leaving this chicken outfit.
Look, I tried to explain to
you, we can't take you along.
Hm, you're taking your wife.
Well, that's different.
We're married.
You mean because I'm
single I'm staying home?
Ed, cheer up.
I told you the Addisons
are going to look after you.
Now, you just read your books.
See you Monday.
Oh, uh, Wilbur?
Huh?
Drive carefully.
You're all I have.
Mushy.
Oh, Martha,
Wilbur and Carol Post
are checking in today.
Did you change
the linen in room 12?
What for? Nobody's
used it for three years.
Hey, what's this about a town
meeting here this morning?
Well, Ida Brenner's trying
to raise some more money
for the children's camp.
[Martha] Hm, you better
keep your Uncle Bill away.
He's probably still paying
off the pledges from last year.
You're so right.
But don't worry. I sent
him off fishing an hour ago.
By the time he gets
back... He is back.
Uncle Bill!
You said you were going fishing.
That's right. After the meeting.
But, Uncle Bill...
Now, Annie, you haven't
got a thing to worry about.
I won't open my mouth.
I'll just sit there
quietly in the front row.
And why can't you just sit
there quietly in the back row?
Because nobody can
hear me from there.
[applause]
Thank you.
Thank you for you
contribution, Mr. Finiley.
Well, some of you have
donated very generously
to our Pine Lake summer camp.
But we still need
$350 if those children
are going to have their
tables and benches.
Now, won't somebody volunteer
to donate just a small
part of the money?
Please, friends.
How about someone
who hasn't contributed yet?
How about starting
it off with $25?
Uh... Will somebody
please raise his hand?
Oh, come, neighbors.
Remember, this is
a very worthy cause.
How about $15?
Friends, we have to have
$350 for the tables and benches.
Oh, won't somebody
help raise the fund?
I can't raise my hands,
but I'll raise the money, y'all.
Oh!
[applause]
I knew we could depend
on you, Bill Parker.
Yeah, I'll get all the
furniture those children need.
You can depend on me, Ida.
Well, if you say so Bill,
that's good enough for me.
Meeting's adjourned.
[chatter]
Well, you did it
again, Big Daddy.
Look, Annie, I've got
everything all figured out.
I'll do the work and Dave
Miller will donate the lumber.
It won't cost a cent.
[chuckles]
And just what makes you so
sure he'll donate the lumber?
Because I know Dave Miller.
That man's got a heart of gold.
When he hears
about those poor kids,
he'll turn over his
whole lumberyard to me.
Hello, Elsie, get me Dave
Miller at the lumberyard.
Oh, you better fix up
the room for the Posts.
They'll be here at 3 o'clock.
Yes, chief.
The lumber is as good
as in my workshop.
Hello, Dave.
Bill Parker.
Yeah, I'm fine, Dave.
Say, Dave, look,
I just volunteered to
build some furniture
for the summer camp,
and I thought maybe
you'd like to contribute to...
A few hundred
board feet of pine.
But, Dave, it's for
those poor kids.
Look, Dave, you were
a kid once yourself.
The stingiest kid in town
and you haven't changed a bit.
[grumbling]
Let's see, 40 kids...
That's about 1,200
feet of lumber.
50 cents a foot... That's $600.
Where am I going to get $600?
[Milo] Hello, Bill.
Oh, hello, Milo.
Beautiful day, huh?
Yeah.
Yeah, it sure is, money.
I mean, Milo.
Here, sit down.
Let me dust off a place for you.
Sit right down there. That's it.
Thank you, Bill.
Have any luck? Catch anything?
Oh, yeah, sure.
Caught this.
Oh, by yiminy, that's a beauty.
- Yeah, it's all yours.
- Oh, no, no.
Oh, I insist.
- I couldn't.
- Milo, it's yours.
Thank you.
This is very
generous of you, Bill.
Oh, generous. Look
who's calling me generous.
Milo, I would say that you are
about the most generous
man in these parts.
Oh, no, you don't.
I heard all about you offering
to give that summer camp
all the benches and chairs.
You open your mouth
and now you're trying
to put my foot in it.
Forget it. You're right.
It's my problem, not yours.
Yeah.
I'll figure out a way
to get that wood.
Don't worry. I'll...
- Milo...
- Huh?
You know, there's enough
wood in one of those trees
to furnish three summer camps.
Yeah, but you don't think
that old skin-trilling Thompson
is going to give
it to you, do you?
Uh, fat chance of that.
- But, Milo...
- Huh?
Suppose by some act of nature,
one of those trees
suddenly... fell over.
And would that act
of nature maybe be
one man with a saw?
No, two men with a saw.
No, no, one man
with a saw. Good-bye.
No, no, Milo, wait a minute.
No, no, sit down, Milo.
I'll think of something
Pardon me, gentlemen.
I'm taking pictures for
my birdwatchers group.
Have you seen a speckled-coated
sparrow around here?
Lady, can you handle
a two-man saw?
I beg your pardon?
Then, the bird went that way.
Bill, you will never get
anybody to help you.
Oh, don't be too sure.
Wilbur Post will be
checking in in about an hour.
Oh, forget about it, Bill.
He will never help you chop
down a tree that don't belong to you.
Milo, you know it
don't belong to me.
I know it don't belong to me.
Now, if this fish will
keep his little trap shut,
Wilbur will never know, will he?
No.
[chuckles]
Inn keeper, food and
drink for the weary traveler.
Oh, it's good to see you.
Hello, and it's so
good to see you.
Oh, Wilbur.
And Cindy, my, how you've grown.
Can I have a kiss?
Can I have a penny?
Cindy, little girls don't
ask men for pennies.
That's right.
They grow up, marry
them, and then take it all.
[Bill] Wilbur!
Bill!
- Carol.
- Hello, Bill.
Well, it's about time
you two got here.
We would've got here sooner,
but we got stuck in
the beautiful weather.
Oh, yeah. Well,
it's cleared up now.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, Bill's got the whole
weekend planned for you, Wilbur.
Yeah, you know, the first thing
you're going to do tomorrow morning?
Yeah, sleep until noon.
This is strictly a
rest cure for me, Bill.
I'm going to plant myself
in that old rocking chair
and let the fat grow.
Now, you've got a pretty good
start on that garden right now.
Oh. Honey, will you get
the bags from the car?
I'll help you, Wilbur.
Come on, I'll show
you to your room.
Wonderful.
Ah, there's nothing like
this clean mountain air.
Yeah, that and a little exercise
and you'll be all better again.
Better again?
Well, what's wrong with me now?
Oh, nothing.
For the shape you're
in, you look fine.
But look at me.
For years now, I haven't
had a pain or an ache
since I've been doing
my special exercises.
Special exercises?
Yeah, my secret to long life.
As soon as I get you
unpacked, I'll show it to you.
It's something that every
man right in his own backyard.
Come on, boy.
Are you sure this is
the secret to a long life?
Guarantee.
Right.
I feel like 70 already.
Aw, you look fine, boy.
You've lost all that paleness.
You got a nice red color.
Keep sawing. We're almost done.
Wait till I tell
Carol about this.
Uh, you better not tell anyone.
I just remembered something.
What's that?
What we're doing,
it's a federal offense.
Well, as long as it
builds up your muscles.
A federal offense?
Timber!
Good work, Wilbur.
Now all we have to
do is saw it in sections.
What do you mean
it's a federal offense?
Oh, that's only in
case we get caught.
- Okay...
- No, no, wait.
A Forest Ranger truck. Duck!
Secret to long life.
We better get going.
It's getting shorter
every second.
Come on.
No. No!
[phone rings]
Hello.
Oh, yes, Ann.
Yeah, I'll take the call.
Hello.
Hello, Wilbur.
Ed, it's nice to
hear your voice.
How do you feel?
I don't want to worry you,
but I've lost 50 or 60 pounds.
Ed, will you stop it?
I just talked to the Addisons
on the phone yesterday,
and I happen to know
you're being very well fed.
Well, that's a big lie.
They've been giving
my food to their cat.
The Addisons' cat eats hay?
Doesn't everybody?
Look, Ed, we'll be
home tomorrow,
so you behave yourself.
Can I watch the Late
Late Show tonight?
Yeah, you can stay up and
watch the Late Late Show,
but please don't play
that TV set too loud.
Goodbye, Wilbur.
Goodbye, Ed.
Poor Wilbur.
He's been sleeping
all afternoon.
He really is tired.
The rest is going to
do him a lot of good.
Oh, that's exactly
what I told him today,
"Take it easy."
I said, "Wilbur,
the secret to long
life is relaxation."
Just don't exercise.
That can kill you.
Where's Jerry?
Has he found the man who
chopped down that tree?
Oh, butterfingers.
Not yet, but when
he called before,
he was furious.
Boy, I'd hate to be
the man who did it.
Yeah, me, too.
Jerry said that Mr. Thompson...
He owns the property...
He's fit to be tied.
When he catches that criminal,
he's going to prosecute
to the fullest extent.
Uh, and how full can that be?
A thousand dollars
fine and a year in jail.
That's pretty full.
[sighs]
Well, hello, Milo.
- Bill, Bill...
- What's the matter?
I just heard about what
happened yesterday.
Only a lunatic
would have cut that tree down.
Now, just a minute, Milo,
what makes you think I
had anything to do with it?
Because yesterday
you said you would,
and today the tree is down,
so unless I walk in
my sleep, you did it.
Milo, we live in a democracy
where every man is
innocent until proven guilty,
and you're looking at
the most innocent man
that ever cut down a tree.
Bill, I am ashamed of you.
Oh, stop looking at me
like you were Joyce Kilmer.
What has she got to do with it?
When they catch you,
they are going to
throw you in "yail," and...
Here comes Mr. Thompson.
Look, you got a
guilty look about you.
You're liable to give me away.
Go on, scat. Get
yourself some coffee.
Go ahead.
Well, hello, Mr. Thompson.
[chuckles nervously]
Beautiful day, huh?
Is it?
Is Ranger Moffett back yet?
He's going to meet me here.
Well, Jerry should be back soon.
Why don't you pull
up a chair on the porch
and make yourself
comfortable, Mr. Thompson?
Come on. There we are.
Sit right down there.
That's it.
Too bad about
that tree yesterday.
Ain't the sort of thing
that anybody around here
would ever do.
No, sir, we're all tree lovers
around her, you know?
As a matter of fact,
the sight of a man with an ax
sets my blood to...
Would you like a cup of
coffee, Mr. Thompson?
No.
Wish Moffett would get here.
I'm anxious to find out
what he learned
from that witness.
Well, he's probably... witness?
That's right.
Some woman staying
at Snowflake Inn
claimed that she was
hiking through the forest,
and she saw these two men.
She did?
And what's more...
She says she can
positively identify
one of them.
Which one, the young
one or the old one?
What's that?
Uh, I-I mean,
w-well, these kind of
crooks always work in pairs,
a young one and an old one.
It's, uh...
The young one sort of
learns the tricks of the trade
from the old one.
It's, uh...
learn-while-you-earn... plan.
Well, anyway, she said he
was a young-looking man
with sandy-colored hair
and a bright Hawaiian shirt.
Have you seen anybody
like that around here?
Oh, no.
No, there was...
Well, now that you mention it,
there was a coconut salesman
pass through here
on his way to Honolulu.
[muttering]
Sorry to keep you
waiting, Mr. Thompson.
Oh, never mind that.
What did you find
out from the woman?
We're in luck, Mr. Thompson.
She took a picture of
the guys running away.
I rushed the film right over
to Devry's Camera Shop.
He's going to call me
the minute it's developed.
- Fine...
- Um, Mr. Thompson, Jerry...
I got something to tell you.
We better go inside.
Well, why?
Well, I got a feeling
I'm going to have to get used
to being inside for about a year.
Wilbur. Wilbur?
Wilbur... Wilbur, we're cooked.
What's going on, Bill?
Wilbur and me, we got
a confession to make.
We cut down the old pine.
- You did?
- Yup.
D-Don't believe him.
He's delirious.
He must have
been hit on the head
when the tree fell.
It's no use, Wilbur, no.
I always believe
in telling the truth...
once you get caught.
Some woman
snapped a picture of us.
Mommy, Mommy, Uncle
Bill's in trouble again!
Well, Moffett, what
are you waiting for?
- Arrest them.
- [phone rings]
Hello.
Yes, Mr. Devry.
You did?
That picture will be
all the proof I need.
Well, okay. Thanks.
I'm afraid you don't have
any proof, Mr. Thompson.
The film was underexposed.
You mean it didn't come out?
Nope.
Well, we don't need
that picture anyway.
We still have his confession.
You mean to say you believe
hat cock-and-bull
story I told before?
Wilbur, we sure had them
going for a while, didn't we?
Yeah! I could hardly
keep a straight face.
[both laughing hysterically]
You old son-of-a-gun, you.
Wait a minute. What's that?
Hawaiian shirt... Just
like that woman said.
What have you got
to say about that?
Aloha?
[inaudible]
Uncle Bill, what's
Cindy talking about?
What's the trouble?
- Well, it seems...
- Come one, Moffett.
Let's not waste any more time.
Place those men under arrest,
and I'll profer charges.
Here, call the Sheriff.
Harry, don't you dare.
Now, just a minute.
[slams phone down]
I'll admit that I'm guilty,
but Wilbur had
nothing to do with it.
He just came up here for a rest.
Well, if I have my way,
he can have a nice long one.
Mr. Thomson...
cutting down your
tree was wrong,
but the motive
behind it was right.
How do you figure that?
Well, you see, Bill was
going to use that lumber
to build benches and chairs
for the summer camp.
40 kids will be coming
up here, Mr. Thompson,
youngsters who never
had a chance in life.
This camp is one
of the nicest things
that could ever happen to them.
All Bill wants to do
is make that possible.
That's the truth.
I know trees are expensive,
but suppose we
personally pay for it?
I can let you have
a hundred dollars.
And we're willing to chip in.
I got $87 laying in the bank.
It's just collecting dust.
You can take my piggybank.
You needed lumber, why
didn't you ask me for it?
Because everybody knows
you're a greed, old skinflint.
Gosh, I wish you had put
it to him a different way.
Well, it's true.
He's never contributed one
skinny dime for the camp.
I didn't even know about it.
If somebody had
bothered to tell me,
I might have considered
making a donation.
Well, you've still got
time, Mr. Thompson,
and it's deductible.
Well, all right, you
can have the tree.
Now, who's a
greedy, old skinflint?
Mr. Thompson, I take back
every nasty thing I ever
said about you in the past.
And that includes
anything I might
say in the future.
You're all right, Mr. Thompson.
I had you pegged for a good Joe
the minute I laid eyes on you.
Take your coconut-picking
hands off me.
- Parker.
- Yes, sir.
Don't let me ever catch
you touching one of my trees.
Oh, no, sir, no, sir.
Well, Uncle Bill,
I hope this has
taught you a lesson.
Oh, it certainly has, Annie.
You don't ever have to
worry about me again.
By golly, I think he means it.
I sure do.
Wilbur, what do you say?
Let's you and me go
fishing tomorrow, huh?
Okay, where?
I know a great spot over
on Thompson's property.
- Hmm?
- No.
Ed, I'm home!
Beg your pardon, stranger?
Oh, Ed, oh, I really
missed you, old boy.
Yeah, then why didn't you write?
Telegram? A postcard?
Well, to tell you the truth, Ed,
I... I got sort of involved.
A phone call then.
It was a long distance.
So what?
I would have been glad
to accept the charges.
Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪
♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪
♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪
♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪
♪ He'll give you the answer ♪
♪ That you'll endorse ♪
♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪
♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪
♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪
♪ And waste your time of day ♪
♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪
♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪
♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪
♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪
♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪
♪ Well, listen to this ♪
[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪
[Man] This has been a
Filmways television presentation.