Mister Ed (1958–1966): Season 1, Episode 11 - Ed the Witness - full transcript

[whinnies]

Hello.

I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the
answer that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪



Wilbur, are you sure we're
on the road to Ensenada?

Of course we are.

Leave it to me. I know
where we're going.

And, Wilbur, you said
you knew a shortcut.

How far are we from Ensenada?

Oh, don't ask me. These
Mexican roads twist so much.

Just a second. Just
a second, everybody.

Aha.

Aha. Yeah.

No doubt about it. We're lost.

Oh, no, Wilbur! I'm famished.

If I had a little ketchup,
I'd eat this map.

I could do with a
bowl of chili myself.

I was looking forward to spending a
delightful weekend south of the border.



But with your
sense of direction...

There's nothing wrong with
Wilbur's sense of direction.

Oh, please. I consider it a
triumph we got out of his garage.

But, Addison, doll, you told Wilbur
to make that left turn back there.

Of course I did.

The sign said
"Hombres Trabajando."

That distinctly
means "left turn."

Wait. I'll look that
up in the dictionary.

Now, believe me.
It means "left turn."

I took Spanish in college, and I
finished at the head of my class.

"Hombres trabajando."

"Men at work."

It must've been
a very small class.

Wilbur, do you have
any idea where we are?

Well, the way I figure it out,

we're either just outside
the town of Cohatsamamalulu

or on a small
island in the Pacific.

Well, we'd better
just keep on driving.

"Men at work," huh?

Oh, must be an old dictionary.

Let's go, Desi.

I'd better go take
a look at Mister Ed.

[car door closes]

Ed, I got a little problem.

We're lost.

Who's lost?

We're only ten miles
from Cohatsamamalulu.

How do you know?

I read a sign back there.

- You speak Spanish?
- Doesn't everybody?

Thanks.

De nada, amigo.

[horn honks]

So this is Cohatsamamalulu.

It certainly does look very big.

The only thing big about
this town is its name.

I wonder if they have
a restaurant here.

Well, there's a policeman.
Let's ask him. Officer...

No, Wilbur. Let me. I
speak the language.

Señor.

- Sí?
- That means "yes."

Could've fooled me.

Uh... ¿Dónde está
el, uh, restaurante?

Un restaurante.
[speaking Spanish]

He's got an awful thick accent.

Yes, those Irish brogues
will always throw you.

[Spanish] is a very
nice restaurant.

- Oh, you speak English?
- Sí. That means "yes."

Uh, is it the best
restaurant in town?

Sí. And the only one, too.

Oh, thank you. Come on, girls.

[speaks Spanish]

♪♪ [native folk]

I have a feeling this is not going to
be one of the highlights of the trip.

It certainly is very... quaint.

It has a wonderful
provincial atmosphere.

Yeah, we're stuck.

Sit down.

[loud scraping]

I wonder where the owner is.

It isn't exactly the
height of the rush hour.

Let's order. I wanna send word down
to my stomach that help's on the way.

Excuse me, sir.

- Is the owner here?
- Sí.

- Do you know where he is?
- Sí.

How do we get service?

- Just call for Pepe.
- Thank you.

Pepe? Pepe?

You calling me?

That's what I like.

A man who gets
right to the point.

[blows]

You gonna like the beans.
They're very good, señor.

Thank you.

"Tacos, enchiladas, tortillas,

arroz con pollo"...

Oh, I know what that
means. Chicken with rice.

Either that or "men at work."

What else do they have, Wilbur?

Uh, "ros-bif.

Bif-stec." Roast
beef, beefsteak.

Beefsteak. That's
what I want. Beefsteak.

- I'll have the roast beef.
- Steak for me.

And I'll have the
arroz con pollo.

Four orders, beans.

- No, what we want...
- What you want is nice.

What I got is beans.

My good man, if all
you have is beans,

why did you bother
giving us this menu?

No bother. It's a pleasure.

Beans. If you hadn't
steered us wrong,

we'd be in Ensenada by now.

You know, Kay, that's one of
the things I admire about you.

Whenever I make a mistake,
you're always the first to point it out.

- [crash]
- [Mister Ed whinnying]

- It's Mister Ed!
- [vehicle departing]

Oh! Look at that wheel!

Oh, now, we'll be
stuck here for a week.

Wilbur, why did you have
to bring this horse along?

I told you. He gets lonely.

¿Qué pasó aquí?

- Did you see this accident?
- No, señor.

- Didn't you see anything?
- If I see, I say.

- I don't see, I don't say.
- You don't say.

Sí.

I say I don't see.

[Wilbur] We've got
to get this wheel fixed.

Oh, I know the best mechanic
in all of Mexico. Arturo Gomez.

- Will he do a good job?
- Will he do a good job?

Would I lie about my own cousin?

Now that you're
almost finished, Arturo,

don't you think we
should agree on a price?

Sí. We should.

- How much is it?
- Whatever we agree.

Ten dollars?

This I don't agree.

Well, how much?

Please, I will charge you

so you will be a
little more poorer,

and I will be a
little more rich.

Well, how much
more poorer will I be?

The same that I will
be a little more rich.

Oh.

Why you not go and
eat with your friends?

I call you when it's finished.

You couldn't give me
an idea of the price?

That's right. I couldn't.

Your trailer will
soon be fixed, Ed.

Good.

I was afraid I'd
have to walk home.

I was sure scared
when you got hit.

Yeah. I almost ended up

in that great big
stable in the sky.

I'd like to get my hands
on that hit-and-run driver.

Yeah. That beat-up old truck.

Truck? What truck?

License number 4231.

We have agreed on
the price, señor. $50.

Would you mind
stepping aside, please?

I'd like to see
your license plates.

Uh, $50, please.

You really expect
me to pay you $50?

We make it 40?

I no charge you city sales tax.

I'm not paying you a cent!

You ran into my
trailer with your truck!

How you say this? Uh,
there was no witnesses.

Ah, then you
admit that you did it.

$30?

How do you say
"policeman" in Spanish?

- Policía.
- Thank you. Policía! Policía!

Why you call police?
$30 is not so much.

You like $25 better?

[speaking Spanish]

- That is a lie.
- Ah, you speak Spanish, señor.

No, but a lie is a
lie in any language.

Please. Why do you
not pay Arturo is $75?

75?

All right. 70.

What more can I do?

Arturo... he is being
very generous, señor.

Look at his fender. He
must've hit me. It's dented.

My fender? She was
dented when the car was new.

What's the matter, Wilbur?

This is the man that
ran into our trailer.

Please, Miguel. It
is almost siesta time,

and I cannot sleep when
people... They owe me money.

That I am not paying.
It's a matter of principle.

Señor, you pay, or I
must put you in the jail.

Wilbur, Addison will
be happy to chip in half.

Why, of course. I...

No. No, no, no. Wilbur's right.

We will not pay. It's
a matter of principle.

But, honey, I don't
want you going to jail.

Don't you worry. I'm not going.

Excuse me, señor.
You have the time?

I'm in the right, and there is
absolutely nothing that they can do.

What's the big idea?

Shh! It's siesta time
in Cohatsamamalulu.

[Mister Ed] Psshh! Amigo.

Hi, Ed.

What time you
going over the wall?

I don't have to. I'm
gonna win this case.

Sure. Sure.

Ed, are you sure you saw
the truck hit your trailer?

Positive. Too bad I didn't
have a camera with me.

The girls and Roger
are looking for a lawyer.

- You had your lunch yet?
- Yeah.

But that Mexican
hay is too hot for me.

I've been drinking
water like a fish.

I gotta get outta here.

- Excuse me, Ed.
- All right. Sure.

Officer. Officer!

[speaks Spanish]

Look, I'm an American
citizen. I demand a trial.

Are you gonna pay
Arturo his money?

No.

Then you'll be a Mexican
citizen before your trial.

I insist you phone the judge
and tell him that I am here.

"Insist"? Insist.

Why insist?

When the judge gets here,
he'll see that you are here.

Honey!

Oh, you look so
pale. Are you all right?

- Did you get a lawyer?
- Addison's waiting for him
to wake up.

It's still siesta time.

This isn't a town. It's
a giant sleeping bag.

Wilbur, maybe you ought
to pay the man the $75.

- 70.
- I'm not paying you a cent!

Relax, folks. The lawyer
will be here shortly.

- When?
- As soon as he gets out
of his pajamas.

Oh, honey.

Please pay the money. I don't
like to see you behind bars.

My mind is made up. Now, you and
Kay go find some rooms for the night.

Meanwhile, Roger and
I will talk to the lawyer.

You're really determined
to fight this through?

Find the rooms, huh?

You never kiss me like that.

I will, dear, when
you're behind bars.

Roger, keep an eye
on him for me, will you?

Why? Where's he going?

Come on, Kay.

Rog, I didn't wanna worry Carol, but
that judge may not show up for months.

That's carrying a
siesta a little too far.

Maybe you better phone the
American consulate in Tijuana.

Good thinking. But
I got a better idea.

- What's that?
- Pay the money, and let's
get out of here.

I am not gonna
pay that fella $75.

$70.

I'll call the consulate.

My good man, have
you a telephone here?

Not here, but on the wall.

- Thank you.
- You want me to make
the call for you?

That won't be necessary. I
speak the language fluently.

Uh, Operadora, usted,
uh, uh, por favor...

[broken Spanish]

el Americano Consulado Tijuana.

No, Operator, I am not
speaking Portuguese.

That was Spanish.

How long have you
been in this country?

I want Tijuana, not Havana.

I said, "Not Havana." Havana.

Very well. I'll wait.

[door closes]

- Miguel.
- Ah.

Señor Post, I am Francisco
Gomez. I am your attorney.

I've been expecting
you. Won't you sit down?

First, let me assure you
that you will receive a fair trial.

That is all I expect, sir.

Señor Addison has
acquainted me with the situation,

but now I must
ask a few questions.

- Did you see the accident?
- No.

Did any of your friends
see the accident?

Well... no.

Then I must advise
you to pay the $75.

70.

That man has been
lying. He ran into my trailer.

- But if you have no witness...
- I have a witness. Ed saw everything.

Ed. Ah, this is good.
Who is this Ed?

Well...

Well, he's... he's not exactly the
type you bring into a courtroom.

Please, señor, do
not say this to me.

In Mexico, everybody is equal.

Where is this... this Ed?

He's outside the window.

Señor Ed! Señor Ed!

I see only a horse.

That is Señor Ed.

This horse... She
is your witness?

Señor, have you
been drinking tequila?

- Please, you've got
to believe me.
- You do not need a lawyer.

- You need a doctor. Miguel!
- But I'm telling the truth.

- ¡Ándale!
- I'm telling...

- Of course you are. Sí.
- That is the truth.

Ed saw everything! I'm telling
you the truth! You gotta believe...

[groans]

What's the matter...

Hello. Well, it's about time.

Is this the American
consulate in Tijuana?

What? Havana?

Operator, I did not want Havana.

I... I want Tijuana.

T as in "tacos."

I as in "igloo."

A as in "Argentina."

- I'm calling
the American consulate.
- Good.

Well, how'd you make
out? Did you find any rooms?

We won't need any, honey.
The judge just got back to town.

And he's gonna try
your case this afternoon.

Great! Now we're
getting someplace.

Marvelous!

What? Argentina?

Operator, I did
not call Argentina.

I want Tijuana.

T as in "Texas"... No. No, no.

So the judge is
here. Win or lose,

we'll be out of this town soon.

- Ensenada, here we come!
- What did your lawyer say,
dear?

He refused to handle my case.

Good-bye, Ensenada.

Refused to handle
your case? But why?

What's the difference?
I'm innocent. I can't lose.

I... I'll defend myself.

I admire your confidence, Wilbur.
We'll send you cigarettes from the States.

This is just awful. We'll just have to
convince that lawyer to handle you.

Come on.

I'd better go along
with them to translate.

[sniffing]

Ed, with you testifying
for me, I can't lose.

With who testifying?

I'm depending on you.
You're my key witness.

Now, you know I
only talk in front of you.

This is a matter of principle.
Where's your integrity?

Where's your $75?

All you gotta do
is tell the truth.

If they find out I can talk,

I'll wind up in a circus.

Ed, I'm disappointed in you.

I've always felt
toward you the way...

The way Paul Revere
felt toward his horse.

But Paul did the
talking, not his horse.

Okay, Ed.

No hard feelings, huh?

No.

I'll be waiting for
you, buddy boy.

This way, please.

That's the one, Judge Hernandez.

- Aha.
- He's the guilty one.

Arturo, por favor. Don't call a
man guilty until there is a trial.

Señor Post, I'm Judge Hernandez.

Your Honor, I'm
certainly glad you're here.

I'm sorry I was late.

Where's your lawyer?

- Oh, I'll be defending myself.
- Ah.

The lawyer Gomez will not
handle his case because he's loco.

- Are you loco?
- No.

Ah. Good. Let us proceed.

Sit there on the
bench... Both of you.

This court is now in session.

Señor Post, what do you say?

Your Honor, this man
hit my trailer with his truck,

and now he wants
me to pay for fixing it.

Arturo, what do you say?

He's a big liar.

[Judge] You say yes, he say no.

Are there any witnesses?

Well, yes and no.

Yes and no. That makes maybe.

You have a maybe witness?

- Well, uh...
- [hoofbeats]

Ed!

[speaks Spanish]

Take this horse away from here.

Please, Your Honor,
this is my witness.

The horse... he's your witness?

Yes, Your Honor.

Well, how can a
horse be your witness?

Well, he told me
Arturo's license number.

Oh, in that case, you know...

- He told you?
- Yes, Your Honor.

Are you sure you are not loco?

The horse saw
it all, Your Honor.

But how can a horse
write down a number?

Oh, he didn't write
down a number.

Oh.

He just told me what he read.

Miguel, you know there is a
law against serving tequila in jail?

But I didn't give
him any tequila.

He is this way all by himself.

Make him to pay me my $80!

$80?

Ed, tell him what happened.

This is ridiculous.

How could a horse tell
you a license number?

[thudding]

Uh, by tapping it out.

That's how he
communicates with me.

- What?
- Yes.

Just write down any
number at all, Your Honor,

and he'll tap it out.

You are serious, Señor Post?

If you'll please write down
a number, Your Honor.

[paper rips]

¡Ay Dios mío!

$60.

Can he read any number?

Yes. Yes.

Try him in Spanish.

$50.

This horse does
everything but talk.

Arturo, you are a liar.

You big mouth!

With a five.

[five thuds]

[no audible dialog]

Oh!

He isn't here. What
did they do to him?

Oh, don't worry, darling.
I'm sure everything's all right.

There are no high trees
in the neighborhood.

- Oh, Roger!
- [footsteps]

How's it going,
kiddies? [chuckles]

Well, let's get going. I wanna make
it to Ensenada before it gets dark.

Wilbur, did you
pay him the money?

No. No. Won the case.

You did? How?

Oh, just used a
little horse sense.

Let's go, kiddies.

Closed-Captioned By J.R.
Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk
to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course,
unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source
and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the
answer that you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on
a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed
will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has
something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse,
of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk
till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard
of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

[Man] This has been a
Filmways television presentation.