Misleading Cases (1967–1971): Season 3, Episode 6 - Regina Versus Sagittarius - full transcript
Come along dear, come along.
Now, don't be silly.
Look there you are. Ring and enter.
- Oh, it’s gone. - What has?
- My toothache.
I'm afraid you have to see mr. Godsmark
now, he's fitted you in specially.
Oh, no no, I don't want to waste this time.
Now come on Florence, let's
go and have a drink, shall we?
Albert, you really must
have that tooth dealt with.
I tell you, it's perfectly alright now.
Well it wasn’t alright
at breakfast time, dear.
I had to warm the milk
and cool the coffee.
Are you going to ring
and enter, or shall I?
You don't want to enter, do you?
- No, dear, you don’t.
- I don't, you know.
Albert, Albert. Don't be so silly.
Now, I'm gonna ring and you will enter.
Look, Florence, I tell
you, it will pass off.
No dear, in you go. Come along dear.
Florence! Oh remember how we...
I shall go and do some shopping
and then wait for you at home.
I’ll come with you, Florence.
Now take a taxi if you
don't feel like the tube dear.
- You can’t carry all those heavy...
- Goodbye. Good luck, dear.
Can I help you please?
No, it's a mistake I thought
it was a post-office...
Oh, how do you do, I rang.
At least my wife did.
- It’s mister Haddock, isn’t it?
- Yes, yes, that’s right, yes.
Would you take a seat? Mr. Godsmark
will see you as soon as he can.
Thank you.
Look, I really don't want to be any
trouble, I’ll come back next week.
But your wife said you were in pain.
Oh, no, no no. Well I mean
she may have said that,
but I mean it's not strictly true,
you see. Not the --
There you are now.
Now just you sit down,
you won't be kept very long.
Mr. Pringle’s in the chair
now and Miss Hicks is next.
I won't keep you.
Just a quick look round.
Never anything wrong with my teeth.
All to do with your food, you know.
Yes, yes, so I've been told.
Never see a dog going
to the dentist do you?
- No, I suppose not.
- There you are then.
Would you like something, mr. Haddock?
- Oh, yes, please.
- To read.
Oh, no, no thank you.
No, you see, that’s it, you
see, it's always punch,
and it's nearly always something
I wrote five years ago.
A profoundly depressing experience.
- Are you Albert Haddock?
- Yes.
- Funny coincidence. I know your wife.
- Oh really?
- We were in the Army together.
- Oh good.
Are you wanting to go somewhere?
Yes, yes, home.
Oh, don't be such a baby,
mr. Godsmark won't hurt you!
He's not doing badly
with whoever's in there.
Oh, but that's mr. Pringle, he always
makes a fuss. Sheer imagination.
Yes, but really sometimes imagination
can be just as painful as the real thing.
Oh rubbish. Now sit down
and tell me all about Florence.
Have you still got that nice
house by the river?
I haven't seen Florence since last year.
I ran into her at Crufts.
- Crufts?
I was showing Griselda gay time girl.
- I beg your pardon?
- Champion bull terrier bitch.
I breed them, you know.
- No, I didn’t know.
I thought Florence might have
mentioned it. Ever read this?
What’s that? No, I've never seen it before.
The weekly Argos, all bosoms and
bottoms, wouldn't interest you.
Well I'm not yet in my dotage, you know.
Mind you, of course one doesn't
have to look at photographs
of that sort of thing these days,
does one? It’s all around...
- You see what I mean?
- Only too well.
Of course, I'm not interested
in that sort of thing.
No, no, of course not.
Give me my bull terriers any day,
you know where you are with them.
Really?
- I read this because of Sagittarius.
- Who?
Astrologers column, calls himself
Sagittarius, I use him for mating.
I beg your pardon?
Breeding. I didn't know that a dog’s date
of birth could affect its personality.
You mean to say this chap Sagittarius
predicts the future for dogs?
It’s for humans really, but you
can apply it equally well to dogs.
I've had some remarkable successes.
Oh god...
There now mr Pringle,
that wasn’t too bad, was it?
Now you got the time for your
next appointment, haven’t you?
I’m not coming to this
bloody abattoir again!
Now don't you forget:
You get any pain,
just give mr. Godsmark a ring,
and he'll fit you in somehow.
We’re ready for you now, mrs.
Hicks, would you like to go in?
Next for the torture chamber!
Now that’s very naughty miss Hicks, you
know mr. Godsmark never hurts anyone.
Of course he doesn't, it’s
all imagination, isn’t it.
Here, have a look at your stars,
might cheer you up a bit.
Sagittarius predicts your week.
The payment of money will fill a long felt
need and relieve a painful situation.
That’s very interesting,
what does he say for Tuesday?
This Tuesday, yes Tuesday,
Tuesday expect a nasty shock.
Sorry about that. He missed completely!
Hello dear. Was it awful at the dentist?
- It was hell, Florence.
- Well, you look alright.
Well, I hate to say this, but you
see, I was in fact very brave.
Oh yes, I didn't even have an injection.
Albert! You had a tooth out
without an injection?
Yes, he gave me gas. Well, it was it
was more to help him than me, you see?
He said it would be much easier
for him if he could open my mouth.
But you did have a tooth out, dear?
- Oh yes, ten.
- Ten? I didn't know you had ten.
Yes, yes, he took out my top denture.
Oh Albert, I think it's marvellous of you,
and I was imaging all sorts of things.
Yes, you know, so was I. I am so
glad I read this fellow Sagittarius
before I went in.
- Who?
This astrologer fellow,
writes in this paper.
Miss Hicks told me to read it.
You know she's an old chum
of yours from the army.
What, RSM Hicks? Did you meet her?
Yes, I met her at the dentist.
Yes, she told me to read what he said.
- And what did he say?
- A remarkable prognostication.
"A payment of money will fill a long felt
need and relieve a painful situation."
Now what about that?
- What about what, dear?
Well I paid old Godsmark, he filled
my tooth, and relieved my toothache.
And you see, Sagittarius
prophesied the whole thing.
Really remarkable. Now, let's see,
what does he say about you?
When's your birthday, Florence?
- Oh Albert, really.
Oh, I'm sorry, yes, of course
dear, January the 17th.
- No dear, that's yours.
- Is it? I thought it rang a bell.
When's yours?
- March.
Ah, March. Now that's Pisces,
now what does he say?
"News of an old friend..."
You see? That's Frieda Hicks.
"...coupled with a pleasant surprise..."
I certainly haven't had
a pleasant surprise.
Well of course you have, Florence.
- What?
- Me not having a tooth out.
Oh, he really is quite remarkable,
this Sagittarius.
I see he also gives tips
on the stock market.
- They're no good, dear.
- Well you don't know that Florence,
you have to wait a week
and see if they go up.
I know, I did that last week,
and they went down.
I see that this week he's predict...
What did you say?
Well I didn't really
mean to tell you Albert,
I know how upset
you get about money.
Florence, what on earth
are you talking about?
Well, after all, it was my own money, dear.
Your own money? Do you mean to say
you've been saving on the sly?
No dear. You know uncle Henry
left me a hundred pounds.
Well, never mind where it
came from, where is it now?
- Gone.
- Gone?
You don't mean, you
haven't lost it, have you?
- Yes, dear, every penny.
- Give me a drink, will you?
Well, I don't think we've
got anything very much.
Well, you know, we should always
keep something for a crisis.
Oh, we do, dear, but you had a
crisis last week over the gas bill.
We have got a little port.
- Well, any port in a storm.
Oh Albert, that's a terrible joke.
Well, it's a terrible situation,
isn't it. A hundred pounds?
Do you know? I think I
shall have some as well.
Seems funny to be drinking port
before we've eaten.
We're very lucky to be
eating or drinking at all.
Now now, Albert, really, it's
my money dear, not yours.
I feel the loss just as acutely.
Now how does this happen, Florence?
I followed a tip by that man Sagittarius.
Oh, Florence, really, that's so silly.
I mean to pay any attention
to this charlatan.
Well, you didn't think he's
a charlatan just now.
Yeah, well, that was different. I didn't
know then that we'd lost any money.
Well darling... You must admit
that he sounds very plausible.
Yes, so does the Chancellor on budget day.
Now did you mean to say the
share's not likely to go up?
No dear, the company went bankrupt.
Look, give me another drink, will you?
Oh Albert, really, it's
not as bad as all that.
I mean you said yourself the other day,
hundred pounds goes nowhere these days?
Well, this hundred pounds went
somewhere all right. Up the spout.
Look, Albert, dear, it is my money.
And if I've made a silly fool of myself
I've nobody to blame but myself.
I'm not so sure about that.
Well, after all, I didn't have to do
what this man Sagittarius said.
No, and he didn't have
to tell you to do it.
I'm not sure he isn't breaking the law.
- Oh dear...
And if he is, he should jolly well be made
to pay, losing me a hundred pounds.
Now then, mr. Haddock,
what on earth's all this about?
My lord, I am bringing a charge
against the editor of the weekly Argus,
mr. Nathaniel Benkle, and mr. Chabinchara-
Postalapretski, alias Sagitarius.
Sagitarius, is that a pseudonym?
Yes, my lord, it is,
implying occult powers.
Now the accused are charged under the
Prevention of frauds investment act, 1939.
My learned friend sir Joshua
Hoot appears for the accused.
Extraordinary fellow you are, mr. Haddock.
I suppose you obtained
the consent of the Department
of Trade and Industry
or the director of Public Prosecutions
before bringing this charge?
Yes, indeed I did, my lord.
That telegram arrived this morning
giving me the requisite consent.
"It's a moot point.
Anyway I'm glad the costs
are coming out of your pocket
not the public purse.
Best of luck, Bobbity."
Who's Bobbity?
Oh that's Claude MacInrod, my lord, he's
the Department of Trade and Industry.
- Bobbity?
- Bobbity.
Well, my lord, at school he was always
bobbing up and down asking silly questions.
Was he really, the little rascal.
Well now, proceed, mr. Haddock.
My lord, section 12 of this Act makes it an
offence to induce people to buy shares
by the reckless making of any
statement, promise, or forecast
which is misleading, false, or deceptive.
And section 13 prohibits
the distribution of a circular.
Now the first defendant,
mr. Nathaniel Benkle is the owner
and the editor of the weekly Argus,
which seems to me to be a circular.
The second defendant,
mr. Chabinchara-Postalapretski
writing in the circular under
the pseudonym of Sagittarius,
makes astrological predictions
which I hope to demonstrate
are misleading, false, and deceptive.
I call my first witness,
mrs. Florence Haddock.
Now you are mrs. Florence Haddock?
Yes, dear.
Now would you tell my lord and the
jury what you know about the accused.
I don't know anything about them.
Now come along. Oh dear. My lord I can see
that as usual I shall have
to take this step by step.
Oh, that's alright, I always have
plenty of time for mrs. Haddock.
My lord, if it will save time,
the defense agrees
that the weekly Argus is owned by
mr. Benkle, and that mr. Chabinchara
contributes articles under the name
of Sagittarius, and that these articles
contain hints on the buying and
selling of stocks and shares.
Thank you, sir Joshua. Does that
cover everything, mr. Haddock?
Yes, my lord, I am amazed. Well done,
sir Joshua, nearly everything.
Now, mrs. Haddock, did you in fact act
on advice given you by Sagittarius?
- Yes, I did.
- Yes, and what happened?
- I lost a hundred pounds.
- Thank you, my dear.
Now mrs. Haddock, would you agree that
women are more superstitious than men?
- No.
- I'll put the question in another way.
Is it not mere superstition that the
position of the stars in the heavens
can give us guidance
in earthly affairs?
- Oh no no, that's a fact.
- Ah, now come now mrs. Haddock.
Of course, it must be. I mean how
else could you nagivate a ship?
Well it is true that stars are used
for navigational purposes,
but they can hardly tell you
how to regulate your life.
Oh, they regulate all our lives,
sir Joshua, including yours.
Oh, I assure your lordship,
and members of the jury,
the stars have no
influence upon me.
Were you in court yesterday, sir Joshua?
Well, that would be most unlikely, mrs.
Haddock, as yesterday it was Sunday.
Yes, I know. And today's Monday.
Well, I don't think I need to be
told what day of the week it is.
Oh no no no. I'm just trying to point out
the stars do influence your actions.
Oh, I see.
Yes, you see, Sunday's assigned to the sun,
and monday to the moon, and Tuesday...
I can't remember what was
Tuesday, and Wednesday...
Anyway, all the other days of the week have
got their own planets and constellations.
Well done... my did you know I should have
put you forward as an expert witness.
I didn't know you knew
so much about astrology.
I don't, dear, I looked it up
in the encyclopedia.
Oh, I see. Well, no more questions.
- Is that all?
- Yes, yes that's all my dear,
you know we're doing very nicely thanks to
Sir Joshua.
I shall probably be home for lunch.
Oh, that'll be nice dear, we'll
have scramblers just in case.
- In case of what?
- In case you're late, dear.
Really, my lord, do we need to know
the Haddocks' gastronomic program?
No, we don't, and at this rate
we'll none of us get home
till suppertime.
Get on with it, please.
I do apologise, my lord. I call my
next witness, miss Freda Hicks.
- Now you are miss Freda Hicks?
- I am.
And you are to be seen each year at Crufts?
I can't really claim that people
come to look at me.
No, of course not, now. I dare say
they come to look at your dogs.
- Bull terriers, if you don't mind.
- No, I don't mind.
Do you mind? No, he doesn't mind either.
- He might if he had one after him.
- Yes, he probably would!
Really my lord. My lord, is this necessary?
Well I'm merely trying to
establish miss Hicks' profession,
which is that of a breeder
of bull terriers.
And she has one bitch in particular
called Griselda gay time girl.
- Correct. Winner at Crufts last year.
- Yes, what happened this year?
- She was in whelp.
- Was that intentional?
Of course it wasn't. You don't get yourself
pregnant just before the Miss World Finals.
Just a minute, mr. Haddock.
Is the witness saying
that she entered a dog for
the Miss World competition?
No no, my lord, it was a bitch,
and of course it was at Crufts.
Now will you tell me why
Griselda was in whelp?
Well, it was this chap in the weekly Argos.
- Sagittarius?
- Correct.
First time I came across him he
was wrapped round the dogs meat.
Wrapped round the dogs meat?
My butcher used the Argos
for wrapping meat.
And this fellow Sagittarius said
that the week following her birthday,
same as mine incidentally,
was a good time for romance.
Yes, and did this prove to be correct?
Not in my case. But then I don't
really care that sort of thing.
No. No, no no. Of course not. No.
But how about Griselda, I mean
did she live up to her name?
She certainly had a gay time,
if that's what you mean.
She must have gone out one night.
Anyway, in due course,
Sagittarius predicted something like,
a happy event with more
than you bargained for.
I took that to mean a litter, of course.
Yes, of course. And did in fact
Grisela present you with a litter?
The day after Crufts.
Never seen such a sight.
Oh? What was so extraordinary
about these puppies?
They've obviously been sired
by a blasted alsatian.
Ah. So Sagittarius was not quite
as infallible as you thought.
Did he cause you any other
kind of embarrassment?
- He made me lose some money.
- On the stock market?
Correct.
He tipped amalgamated guano.
It was an absolute stinker,
folded up overnight.
Thank you, Miss Hicks.
Now Miss Hicks, are you asking
the jury to believe,
that your confidence in the stars,
and mr. Chabinchara's predictions,
were so complete that you were
prepared to risk your own money?
He wasn't always wrong.
Well, but you are saying that
he was wrong in your case,
that you as a result you lost
a large sum of money.
I didn't say that.
Well, I assumed that like mrs. Haddock,
that was a gravamen of your complaint.
I didn't come here to complain.
- Oh, why did you come here then?
- To give evidence.
I see. Well in that case, may we assume
that mr. Chabinchara's predictions
were more often right than wrong?
It is no good asking me.
I took a toss over guano,
but since I never invest
more than 20 pounds at a time,
that was no skin off my nose.
I see. No further questions.
I now call mr. Richard Partridge.
Now you are mr. Richard
Partridge, a senior partner
in the firm of Partridge, Wren, and Finch,
stockbrokers of Throckmorton Street?
I am.
Now mr. Partridge, as an expert witness,
you have been present in court
throughout this case,
and you have heard
various views expressed
as to the efficacy or otherwise
of astrological predictions.
- I have.
- Yes, now what in fact is your view?
I think astrology can be very efficacious.
Do you really? In what way?
In making fools of people and in persuading
people to make fools of themselves.
I see. Then you do not think
there's any real foundation
for astrological predictions?
To estimate character, or to
prognosticate future events,
by observation of the configuration of
constellations, is as futile an exercise
as predicting the winner
of the Grand National
from an examination of
the entrails of a goat.
Exactly. So what you are saying, in fact,
is that astrological predictions
are absolute nonsense.
Total nonsense. Although I should add,
that when they are put forward simply for
our amusement, they are harmless nonsense.
But not when they interfere
with the stock exchange?
When they attempt seriously
to influence investors
in the highly technical
field of investment,
they cease to be harmless
and become dangerous.
Thank you very much mr. Partridge.
Now mr. Partridge, do you know
anything about astrology?
Not a great deal, no.
Well, were you aware that
it's the oldest of all sciences,
having been practiced by the Egyptians,
the Hindus, and the Etruscans?
Nonsense is nonsense, however
long it has been practiced.
And that it was systematized by the Arabs
at the same time as they laid down
the rules for arithmetic and algebra?
No.
But you wouldn't regard arithmetic
and algebra as nonsence, would you?
- Certainly not.
- Why not?
Why not? Because I have
studied them myself.
Well exactly, but you have
not studied astrology.
Then why do you feel
entitled to condemn it?
On grounds of pure common sense, sir.
I refuse to believe that the
topography of heavenly bodies
can in any way affect the
affairs of this world.
I see. But surely mr. Partridge in your
mysterious work for the Stock Exchange,
surely you must have heard
of star-crossed others?
Well, such a phrase...
I'm in some confusion here.
Sir Joshua, my notes tell me
that mr. Partridge here
is a member of, Senior Partner
of Partridge Wren and Finch,
a nest of, I mean a firm of
stockbrokers, is that right?
That is so, mylord.
And as such, he is present
now as an expert witness.
He is, mylord.
Possibly I'm getting deaf, sir Joshua.
But you know, it sounded as if you'd asked
him something about star-crossed lovers.
Well I did, mylord.
I beg your pardon, mr. Partridge.
Please let us have your opinion
on, what was it, sir Joshua?
Star-crossed lovers, mylord.
Star-crossed lovers...
Well, mylord, I imagine that lovers,
being ex hypothesy in a romantic and
generally frivolous state of mind,
may observe the stars and imagine that
they are in some way influenced by them.
Yes, but they have no direct effect?
Well, speaking of myself
and mrs. Partridge,
I can assure the court
that the stars have had
no noticeable effect upon our
prematrimonial activities.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
I had just begun to hope
that even stockbrokers...
Well now, what about the moon?
I don't follow.
Well, you wouldn't deny that the
moon affects the tides of the sea?
Possibly, but not the tides
of the human mind.
What about moon murderers?
- Moon what?
- Murderers.
Sir Joshua, must I remind you again,
mr. Partridge here is a
respectable stockbroker.
Yes I know that, mylord, yes
I'm quite aware of that, my lord,
but I do assure your lordship that
the purpose of my examination
will become apparent to you... soon.
Very well sir Joshua, we
must live in hope, mustn't we.
Mr. Partridge, as a specialist in
this field, please tell sir Joshua
how you feel about... What was it?
- Moon murderers.
- Oh that's right, moon murderers.
Well, mylud, assuming that such creatures
exist outside the realms of fiction,
I imagine that it is possible that
if sufficiently mentally deranged,
they might observe the moon
and assume that in some way
it was signaling to them
that the moment was apt
for the commission of
further antisocial acts.
Then he is influenced by the moon.
Yes, but he is insane, a luna-tic.
I don't think I need any
more questions, my lord.
I have no further witnesses, my lord.
Well I propose to call in the two
accused, my lord, first, mr. Benkle.
Now mr. Benkle, you are the editor
and the proprietor of the weekly Argus?
Yes, yes, I am.
While speaking editorially, what is your
view of mr. Chabinchara's column?
Oh, interesting, lively, obvious
reader appeal. I enjoy it myself.
- And would you follow its advice?
- Certainly not.
- Not even on your birthday?
- Not even then.
So your view is that these
astrological predictions
were intended as entertainment,
pure and simple?
Yes, yes.
Yes, and if anyone chose
to take them more seriously,
then that was there lookout, not yours?
- Yes, exactly.
- Thank you.
Now, mr. Benkle, just one moment,
I see that you have with you
your copy of the weekly Argus.
Which, like Gaul, is
divided into three parts.
In the first part we have
news and political comment,
in the second portion we have dramatic
criticism and photographs of young ladies,
and in the third and final section we
have articles of general instruction.
Yes, yeah, that's about it.
Yes. In that final
section, we have travel,
home hints, Sagittarius,
and gardening notes.
- Yes.
- Yes, in that order.
Hang on. Yeah, that's about right, yeah.
Then could you explain how a reader is
supposed to differentiate between them?
I don't follow.
Well in this section,
three of these contributions
are obviously intended
to give serious guidance.
Well no, not exactly serious.
Come come. Come now, mr. Benkle,
please. I would like you to read for me
if you will, the gardening
notes in that section.
Out loud?
Yes out loud, so that his lordship
and the jury may hear.
It's all about slugs.
Good. Let's hear about slugs then.
"Slugs in the lettuce beds may be destroyed
during the spring months
by a judicious application of turpentine."
Well now that is meant to be
taken seriously, surely?
Well, in this case, yes.
Then how are your readers
supposed to differentiate
between the sagacious advice
on the left and the right
and the predictions of
the stars in the middle?
Sagittarius' column is meant
to be funny entertainment.
Yes, well why don't you
tell your readers that?
- I don't follow.
- Well why don't you print a warning
to the effect that the management
cannot be held responsible
for any losses sustained
due to reading this column?
- But that would destroy the whole point.
- Ah, so then it is to be taken seriously?
- Well no, not seriously.
- Well come along now mr. Benkle,
come along, you can't have it both ways.
I'm sure that both my lord and the
jury will agree with me on that.
Now mr. ... How do you pronounce
your name in full?
Franzyjozef Chabinchara-Postalapretski.
- Ah.
- With a hyphen.
Oh yes. Thank you. Well now,
for the purpose of this Court
I think that we can refer
to you as Sagittarius,
your pseudonym in the weekly Argus, yes?
Yes, I do.
You do? Well, do you agree with the,
that the main object of this column
of yours is to entertain your readers?
No, I don't.
You don't? Oh, I see.
Well then may I ask what is
the object of your column?
To enlighten my readers.
Yes, but surely not to seriously
prophesy the future?
If the minds are closed like yours,
one may play the other.
- Play the what?
- The other.
- A musical instrument?
- No.
Oh my lord, I fancy he means
adder, you see, a snake.
- Adder.
- Yes.
In fact I think it is
a biblical reference.
There is some mention in the psalms of
the deaf adder that stoppeth her ears.
Thank you mr. Haddock.
Well, sir Joshua,
does this little bit
of totally irrelevant
information get us any further?
My lord. Now mr. Sagitarius, would
you not agree that your editor
was the best person to assess
the appeal of your column?
I mean he said it was
entertainment pure and simple.
Of course, what can you expect?
He is a gout.
He has gout?
No, he hasn't got a gout.
He is gout.
I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't follow you.
A gout. With the horns.
Oh! I see, a goat!
That's what I say, a gout.
I see. Well I presume, my lord, that
this is another sign of the zodiac.
Yes, that's right, it is
a sign of the zodiac,
December the 21st to January the 20th.
Ah yes. Now, mr Sagitarius...
Capricorn of course. Yes.
The tenth sign of the zodiac.
Strictly speaking the 11th.
Oh, no no no. No. December's
goes trim wintry blast,
Aquarius reigns, the fish
comes last, you see.
Yes, but due to the precession
for equinox...
Yes, of course, and in conjunction
with the Sun and Mercury...
Really my lord, is this court to
become an astrologists convention?
Well, he's your witness, sir Joshua.
My lord, if mr. Haddock can be restrained.
Well, I'm just trying to lend
a helping hand, that's all.
- I see. Right. Now then mr. ...
- Chabinchara-Postalapretski...
...Chabinchara-Postalapretski,
why should the fact
that mr. Benkle was
born under Capricorn
prevent him from controlling the
contents of his own newspaper?
It doesn't prevent him from controlling
it, only from understanding it.
Why?
Gouts are obtuse, obstinate,
and self-opinionated.
And you are not?
Of course not! I was born under libra.
My lord, I don't think the facts of this
case need any further comment from...
Thank you, sir Joshua, I wish all advocates
would follow that course.
Well now, members of the jury, this
case is really a perfectly simple one.
In spite of the determined
efforts of both counsel
to prolong and complicate matters,
by introducing testimony that I thought
colourful and fascinating at times,
except for the fact that it has little or
nothing to do with anything in particular.
Now members of the jury, the Prevention
of frauds investment Act 1939
lays it down that, for a statute of the
realm is in a reasonably clear language,
that stockbrokers may
make public prognostications
about the future behaviour of stocks and
shares, but that astrologers may not.
And there can be no
question that the accused
have both committed an
offense against the Act,
and I shall direct you as a matter of law
to bring in a formal verdict of guilty.
However it will only be a formality,
because I intend to impose no penalty.
I have considerable, considerable
sympathy for the accused,
and I shall considered
justice has been served
if I bind them both over conditionally.
The condition being that mr. ...
Mr., may I call you mr. Sagittarius?
- Please, yes.
- Thank you.
Well, that mr. Sagittarius will
confine his prognostications
in the future to sport, politics, romance,
and other equally unimportant topics,
but to leave the sanctity
of the Stockmarket
to its own high
priests and prophets.
And you can spell that last word
whichever way you please.
Thank you, members of the jury,
you are now discharged.
- Hello Florence.
- Oh hello dear.
- Are the scramblers ready?
- They won't be long. How did it go?
- Oh, I won.
- Oh, I'm so glad, dear.
I hope that poor mr. Sagittarius
wasn't sent to prison.
What do you mean, poor mr. Sagittarius?
He lost you 100 pounds, didn't he?
Well he did dear, and then again he didn't.
What on earth are you
talking about Florence?
Would you like to open this Albert?
Champagne, have you gone
mad, we can't afford
to drink champagne at lunchtime
during the weekday.
- I can.
- Or any other time of...
What did you say?
- Come along Albert, dear, open it.
Well, I will if you say so
my dear, but why?
Well I've just won two hundred and fifty
pounds with the premium bond.
You haven't, you clever girl.
I'll get this open in a jiffy.
It's all due to mr. Sagittarius.
Well it can't be, I just had him defrocked.
Oh yes, but this was six months ago.
Six months ago on my birthday, you see,
he wrote that all Pisceans would
find the numbers four five
lucky for them if they
were born after midnight.
Well, when you come to think of it,
everybody's born after midnight.
Oh now don't quibble, dear.
Anyway I was down in the post office
sending off my thank-you letters...
Yes, you know, you were always
a very good girl about that.
Yes, I was rather, wasn't I?
And I suddenly found
I had a pound, more or less, to spare.
That's more than I can say these days.
So I bought a premium bond.
What you think it's number was?
Four five four five four five.
- The winning number!
- Yes!
Well, I haven't got another bond, dear,
you always said they're a fraud,
because of inflation.
Well you know, Florence,
even I can be wrong sometimes.
Well you... Oh!
Now, don't be silly.
Look there you are. Ring and enter.
- Oh, it’s gone. - What has?
- My toothache.
I'm afraid you have to see mr. Godsmark
now, he's fitted you in specially.
Oh, no no, I don't want to waste this time.
Now come on Florence, let's
go and have a drink, shall we?
Albert, you really must
have that tooth dealt with.
I tell you, it's perfectly alright now.
Well it wasn’t alright
at breakfast time, dear.
I had to warm the milk
and cool the coffee.
Are you going to ring
and enter, or shall I?
You don't want to enter, do you?
- No, dear, you don’t.
- I don't, you know.
Albert, Albert. Don't be so silly.
Now, I'm gonna ring and you will enter.
Look, Florence, I tell
you, it will pass off.
No dear, in you go. Come along dear.
Florence! Oh remember how we...
I shall go and do some shopping
and then wait for you at home.
I’ll come with you, Florence.
Now take a taxi if you
don't feel like the tube dear.
- You can’t carry all those heavy...
- Goodbye. Good luck, dear.
Can I help you please?
No, it's a mistake I thought
it was a post-office...
Oh, how do you do, I rang.
At least my wife did.
- It’s mister Haddock, isn’t it?
- Yes, yes, that’s right, yes.
Would you take a seat? Mr. Godsmark
will see you as soon as he can.
Thank you.
Look, I really don't want to be any
trouble, I’ll come back next week.
But your wife said you were in pain.
Oh, no, no no. Well I mean
she may have said that,
but I mean it's not strictly true,
you see. Not the --
There you are now.
Now just you sit down,
you won't be kept very long.
Mr. Pringle’s in the chair
now and Miss Hicks is next.
I won't keep you.
Just a quick look round.
Never anything wrong with my teeth.
All to do with your food, you know.
Yes, yes, so I've been told.
Never see a dog going
to the dentist do you?
- No, I suppose not.
- There you are then.
Would you like something, mr. Haddock?
- Oh, yes, please.
- To read.
Oh, no, no thank you.
No, you see, that’s it, you
see, it's always punch,
and it's nearly always something
I wrote five years ago.
A profoundly depressing experience.
- Are you Albert Haddock?
- Yes.
- Funny coincidence. I know your wife.
- Oh really?
- We were in the Army together.
- Oh good.
Are you wanting to go somewhere?
Yes, yes, home.
Oh, don't be such a baby,
mr. Godsmark won't hurt you!
He's not doing badly
with whoever's in there.
Oh, but that's mr. Pringle, he always
makes a fuss. Sheer imagination.
Yes, but really sometimes imagination
can be just as painful as the real thing.
Oh rubbish. Now sit down
and tell me all about Florence.
Have you still got that nice
house by the river?
I haven't seen Florence since last year.
I ran into her at Crufts.
- Crufts?
I was showing Griselda gay time girl.
- I beg your pardon?
- Champion bull terrier bitch.
I breed them, you know.
- No, I didn’t know.
I thought Florence might have
mentioned it. Ever read this?
What’s that? No, I've never seen it before.
The weekly Argos, all bosoms and
bottoms, wouldn't interest you.
Well I'm not yet in my dotage, you know.
Mind you, of course one doesn't
have to look at photographs
of that sort of thing these days,
does one? It’s all around...
- You see what I mean?
- Only too well.
Of course, I'm not interested
in that sort of thing.
No, no, of course not.
Give me my bull terriers any day,
you know where you are with them.
Really?
- I read this because of Sagittarius.
- Who?
Astrologers column, calls himself
Sagittarius, I use him for mating.
I beg your pardon?
Breeding. I didn't know that a dog’s date
of birth could affect its personality.
You mean to say this chap Sagittarius
predicts the future for dogs?
It’s for humans really, but you
can apply it equally well to dogs.
I've had some remarkable successes.
Oh god...
There now mr Pringle,
that wasn’t too bad, was it?
Now you got the time for your
next appointment, haven’t you?
I’m not coming to this
bloody abattoir again!
Now don't you forget:
You get any pain,
just give mr. Godsmark a ring,
and he'll fit you in somehow.
We’re ready for you now, mrs.
Hicks, would you like to go in?
Next for the torture chamber!
Now that’s very naughty miss Hicks, you
know mr. Godsmark never hurts anyone.
Of course he doesn't, it’s
all imagination, isn’t it.
Here, have a look at your stars,
might cheer you up a bit.
Sagittarius predicts your week.
The payment of money will fill a long felt
need and relieve a painful situation.
That’s very interesting,
what does he say for Tuesday?
This Tuesday, yes Tuesday,
Tuesday expect a nasty shock.
Sorry about that. He missed completely!
Hello dear. Was it awful at the dentist?
- It was hell, Florence.
- Well, you look alright.
Well, I hate to say this, but you
see, I was in fact very brave.
Oh yes, I didn't even have an injection.
Albert! You had a tooth out
without an injection?
Yes, he gave me gas. Well, it was it
was more to help him than me, you see?
He said it would be much easier
for him if he could open my mouth.
But you did have a tooth out, dear?
- Oh yes, ten.
- Ten? I didn't know you had ten.
Yes, yes, he took out my top denture.
Oh Albert, I think it's marvellous of you,
and I was imaging all sorts of things.
Yes, you know, so was I. I am so
glad I read this fellow Sagittarius
before I went in.
- Who?
This astrologer fellow,
writes in this paper.
Miss Hicks told me to read it.
You know she's an old chum
of yours from the army.
What, RSM Hicks? Did you meet her?
Yes, I met her at the dentist.
Yes, she told me to read what he said.
- And what did he say?
- A remarkable prognostication.
"A payment of money will fill a long felt
need and relieve a painful situation."
Now what about that?
- What about what, dear?
Well I paid old Godsmark, he filled
my tooth, and relieved my toothache.
And you see, Sagittarius
prophesied the whole thing.
Really remarkable. Now, let's see,
what does he say about you?
When's your birthday, Florence?
- Oh Albert, really.
Oh, I'm sorry, yes, of course
dear, January the 17th.
- No dear, that's yours.
- Is it? I thought it rang a bell.
When's yours?
- March.
Ah, March. Now that's Pisces,
now what does he say?
"News of an old friend..."
You see? That's Frieda Hicks.
"...coupled with a pleasant surprise..."
I certainly haven't had
a pleasant surprise.
Well of course you have, Florence.
- What?
- Me not having a tooth out.
Oh, he really is quite remarkable,
this Sagittarius.
I see he also gives tips
on the stock market.
- They're no good, dear.
- Well you don't know that Florence,
you have to wait a week
and see if they go up.
I know, I did that last week,
and they went down.
I see that this week he's predict...
What did you say?
Well I didn't really
mean to tell you Albert,
I know how upset
you get about money.
Florence, what on earth
are you talking about?
Well, after all, it was my own money, dear.
Your own money? Do you mean to say
you've been saving on the sly?
No dear. You know uncle Henry
left me a hundred pounds.
Well, never mind where it
came from, where is it now?
- Gone.
- Gone?
You don't mean, you
haven't lost it, have you?
- Yes, dear, every penny.
- Give me a drink, will you?
Well, I don't think we've
got anything very much.
Well, you know, we should always
keep something for a crisis.
Oh, we do, dear, but you had a
crisis last week over the gas bill.
We have got a little port.
- Well, any port in a storm.
Oh Albert, that's a terrible joke.
Well, it's a terrible situation,
isn't it. A hundred pounds?
Do you know? I think I
shall have some as well.
Seems funny to be drinking port
before we've eaten.
We're very lucky to be
eating or drinking at all.
Now now, Albert, really, it's
my money dear, not yours.
I feel the loss just as acutely.
Now how does this happen, Florence?
I followed a tip by that man Sagittarius.
Oh, Florence, really, that's so silly.
I mean to pay any attention
to this charlatan.
Well, you didn't think he's
a charlatan just now.
Yeah, well, that was different. I didn't
know then that we'd lost any money.
Well darling... You must admit
that he sounds very plausible.
Yes, so does the Chancellor on budget day.
Now did you mean to say the
share's not likely to go up?
No dear, the company went bankrupt.
Look, give me another drink, will you?
Oh Albert, really, it's
not as bad as all that.
I mean you said yourself the other day,
hundred pounds goes nowhere these days?
Well, this hundred pounds went
somewhere all right. Up the spout.
Look, Albert, dear, it is my money.
And if I've made a silly fool of myself
I've nobody to blame but myself.
I'm not so sure about that.
Well, after all, I didn't have to do
what this man Sagittarius said.
No, and he didn't have
to tell you to do it.
I'm not sure he isn't breaking the law.
- Oh dear...
And if he is, he should jolly well be made
to pay, losing me a hundred pounds.
Now then, mr. Haddock,
what on earth's all this about?
My lord, I am bringing a charge
against the editor of the weekly Argus,
mr. Nathaniel Benkle, and mr. Chabinchara-
Postalapretski, alias Sagitarius.
Sagitarius, is that a pseudonym?
Yes, my lord, it is,
implying occult powers.
Now the accused are charged under the
Prevention of frauds investment act, 1939.
My learned friend sir Joshua
Hoot appears for the accused.
Extraordinary fellow you are, mr. Haddock.
I suppose you obtained
the consent of the Department
of Trade and Industry
or the director of Public Prosecutions
before bringing this charge?
Yes, indeed I did, my lord.
That telegram arrived this morning
giving me the requisite consent.
"It's a moot point.
Anyway I'm glad the costs
are coming out of your pocket
not the public purse.
Best of luck, Bobbity."
Who's Bobbity?
Oh that's Claude MacInrod, my lord, he's
the Department of Trade and Industry.
- Bobbity?
- Bobbity.
Well, my lord, at school he was always
bobbing up and down asking silly questions.
Was he really, the little rascal.
Well now, proceed, mr. Haddock.
My lord, section 12 of this Act makes it an
offence to induce people to buy shares
by the reckless making of any
statement, promise, or forecast
which is misleading, false, or deceptive.
And section 13 prohibits
the distribution of a circular.
Now the first defendant,
mr. Nathaniel Benkle is the owner
and the editor of the weekly Argus,
which seems to me to be a circular.
The second defendant,
mr. Chabinchara-Postalapretski
writing in the circular under
the pseudonym of Sagittarius,
makes astrological predictions
which I hope to demonstrate
are misleading, false, and deceptive.
I call my first witness,
mrs. Florence Haddock.
Now you are mrs. Florence Haddock?
Yes, dear.
Now would you tell my lord and the
jury what you know about the accused.
I don't know anything about them.
Now come along. Oh dear. My lord I can see
that as usual I shall have
to take this step by step.
Oh, that's alright, I always have
plenty of time for mrs. Haddock.
My lord, if it will save time,
the defense agrees
that the weekly Argus is owned by
mr. Benkle, and that mr. Chabinchara
contributes articles under the name
of Sagittarius, and that these articles
contain hints on the buying and
selling of stocks and shares.
Thank you, sir Joshua. Does that
cover everything, mr. Haddock?
Yes, my lord, I am amazed. Well done,
sir Joshua, nearly everything.
Now, mrs. Haddock, did you in fact act
on advice given you by Sagittarius?
- Yes, I did.
- Yes, and what happened?
- I lost a hundred pounds.
- Thank you, my dear.
Now mrs. Haddock, would you agree that
women are more superstitious than men?
- No.
- I'll put the question in another way.
Is it not mere superstition that the
position of the stars in the heavens
can give us guidance
in earthly affairs?
- Oh no no, that's a fact.
- Ah, now come now mrs. Haddock.
Of course, it must be. I mean how
else could you nagivate a ship?
Well it is true that stars are used
for navigational purposes,
but they can hardly tell you
how to regulate your life.
Oh, they regulate all our lives,
sir Joshua, including yours.
Oh, I assure your lordship,
and members of the jury,
the stars have no
influence upon me.
Were you in court yesterday, sir Joshua?
Well, that would be most unlikely, mrs.
Haddock, as yesterday it was Sunday.
Yes, I know. And today's Monday.
Well, I don't think I need to be
told what day of the week it is.
Oh no no no. I'm just trying to point out
the stars do influence your actions.
Oh, I see.
Yes, you see, Sunday's assigned to the sun,
and monday to the moon, and Tuesday...
I can't remember what was
Tuesday, and Wednesday...
Anyway, all the other days of the week have
got their own planets and constellations.
Well done... my did you know I should have
put you forward as an expert witness.
I didn't know you knew
so much about astrology.
I don't, dear, I looked it up
in the encyclopedia.
Oh, I see. Well, no more questions.
- Is that all?
- Yes, yes that's all my dear,
you know we're doing very nicely thanks to
Sir Joshua.
I shall probably be home for lunch.
Oh, that'll be nice dear, we'll
have scramblers just in case.
- In case of what?
- In case you're late, dear.
Really, my lord, do we need to know
the Haddocks' gastronomic program?
No, we don't, and at this rate
we'll none of us get home
till suppertime.
Get on with it, please.
I do apologise, my lord. I call my
next witness, miss Freda Hicks.
- Now you are miss Freda Hicks?
- I am.
And you are to be seen each year at Crufts?
I can't really claim that people
come to look at me.
No, of course not, now. I dare say
they come to look at your dogs.
- Bull terriers, if you don't mind.
- No, I don't mind.
Do you mind? No, he doesn't mind either.
- He might if he had one after him.
- Yes, he probably would!
Really my lord. My lord, is this necessary?
Well I'm merely trying to
establish miss Hicks' profession,
which is that of a breeder
of bull terriers.
And she has one bitch in particular
called Griselda gay time girl.
- Correct. Winner at Crufts last year.
- Yes, what happened this year?
- She was in whelp.
- Was that intentional?
Of course it wasn't. You don't get yourself
pregnant just before the Miss World Finals.
Just a minute, mr. Haddock.
Is the witness saying
that she entered a dog for
the Miss World competition?
No no, my lord, it was a bitch,
and of course it was at Crufts.
Now will you tell me why
Griselda was in whelp?
Well, it was this chap in the weekly Argos.
- Sagittarius?
- Correct.
First time I came across him he
was wrapped round the dogs meat.
Wrapped round the dogs meat?
My butcher used the Argos
for wrapping meat.
And this fellow Sagittarius said
that the week following her birthday,
same as mine incidentally,
was a good time for romance.
Yes, and did this prove to be correct?
Not in my case. But then I don't
really care that sort of thing.
No. No, no no. Of course not. No.
But how about Griselda, I mean
did she live up to her name?
She certainly had a gay time,
if that's what you mean.
She must have gone out one night.
Anyway, in due course,
Sagittarius predicted something like,
a happy event with more
than you bargained for.
I took that to mean a litter, of course.
Yes, of course. And did in fact
Grisela present you with a litter?
The day after Crufts.
Never seen such a sight.
Oh? What was so extraordinary
about these puppies?
They've obviously been sired
by a blasted alsatian.
Ah. So Sagittarius was not quite
as infallible as you thought.
Did he cause you any other
kind of embarrassment?
- He made me lose some money.
- On the stock market?
Correct.
He tipped amalgamated guano.
It was an absolute stinker,
folded up overnight.
Thank you, Miss Hicks.
Now Miss Hicks, are you asking
the jury to believe,
that your confidence in the stars,
and mr. Chabinchara's predictions,
were so complete that you were
prepared to risk your own money?
He wasn't always wrong.
Well, but you are saying that
he was wrong in your case,
that you as a result you lost
a large sum of money.
I didn't say that.
Well, I assumed that like mrs. Haddock,
that was a gravamen of your complaint.
I didn't come here to complain.
- Oh, why did you come here then?
- To give evidence.
I see. Well in that case, may we assume
that mr. Chabinchara's predictions
were more often right than wrong?
It is no good asking me.
I took a toss over guano,
but since I never invest
more than 20 pounds at a time,
that was no skin off my nose.
I see. No further questions.
I now call mr. Richard Partridge.
Now you are mr. Richard
Partridge, a senior partner
in the firm of Partridge, Wren, and Finch,
stockbrokers of Throckmorton Street?
I am.
Now mr. Partridge, as an expert witness,
you have been present in court
throughout this case,
and you have heard
various views expressed
as to the efficacy or otherwise
of astrological predictions.
- I have.
- Yes, now what in fact is your view?
I think astrology can be very efficacious.
Do you really? In what way?
In making fools of people and in persuading
people to make fools of themselves.
I see. Then you do not think
there's any real foundation
for astrological predictions?
To estimate character, or to
prognosticate future events,
by observation of the configuration of
constellations, is as futile an exercise
as predicting the winner
of the Grand National
from an examination of
the entrails of a goat.
Exactly. So what you are saying, in fact,
is that astrological predictions
are absolute nonsense.
Total nonsense. Although I should add,
that when they are put forward simply for
our amusement, they are harmless nonsense.
But not when they interfere
with the stock exchange?
When they attempt seriously
to influence investors
in the highly technical
field of investment,
they cease to be harmless
and become dangerous.
Thank you very much mr. Partridge.
Now mr. Partridge, do you know
anything about astrology?
Not a great deal, no.
Well, were you aware that
it's the oldest of all sciences,
having been practiced by the Egyptians,
the Hindus, and the Etruscans?
Nonsense is nonsense, however
long it has been practiced.
And that it was systematized by the Arabs
at the same time as they laid down
the rules for arithmetic and algebra?
No.
But you wouldn't regard arithmetic
and algebra as nonsence, would you?
- Certainly not.
- Why not?
Why not? Because I have
studied them myself.
Well exactly, but you have
not studied astrology.
Then why do you feel
entitled to condemn it?
On grounds of pure common sense, sir.
I refuse to believe that the
topography of heavenly bodies
can in any way affect the
affairs of this world.
I see. But surely mr. Partridge in your
mysterious work for the Stock Exchange,
surely you must have heard
of star-crossed others?
Well, such a phrase...
I'm in some confusion here.
Sir Joshua, my notes tell me
that mr. Partridge here
is a member of, Senior Partner
of Partridge Wren and Finch,
a nest of, I mean a firm of
stockbrokers, is that right?
That is so, mylord.
And as such, he is present
now as an expert witness.
He is, mylord.
Possibly I'm getting deaf, sir Joshua.
But you know, it sounded as if you'd asked
him something about star-crossed lovers.
Well I did, mylord.
I beg your pardon, mr. Partridge.
Please let us have your opinion
on, what was it, sir Joshua?
Star-crossed lovers, mylord.
Star-crossed lovers...
Well, mylord, I imagine that lovers,
being ex hypothesy in a romantic and
generally frivolous state of mind,
may observe the stars and imagine that
they are in some way influenced by them.
Yes, but they have no direct effect?
Well, speaking of myself
and mrs. Partridge,
I can assure the court
that the stars have had
no noticeable effect upon our
prematrimonial activities.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
I had just begun to hope
that even stockbrokers...
Well now, what about the moon?
I don't follow.
Well, you wouldn't deny that the
moon affects the tides of the sea?
Possibly, but not the tides
of the human mind.
What about moon murderers?
- Moon what?
- Murderers.
Sir Joshua, must I remind you again,
mr. Partridge here is a
respectable stockbroker.
Yes I know that, mylord, yes
I'm quite aware of that, my lord,
but I do assure your lordship that
the purpose of my examination
will become apparent to you... soon.
Very well sir Joshua, we
must live in hope, mustn't we.
Mr. Partridge, as a specialist in
this field, please tell sir Joshua
how you feel about... What was it?
- Moon murderers.
- Oh that's right, moon murderers.
Well, mylud, assuming that such creatures
exist outside the realms of fiction,
I imagine that it is possible that
if sufficiently mentally deranged,
they might observe the moon
and assume that in some way
it was signaling to them
that the moment was apt
for the commission of
further antisocial acts.
Then he is influenced by the moon.
Yes, but he is insane, a luna-tic.
I don't think I need any
more questions, my lord.
I have no further witnesses, my lord.
Well I propose to call in the two
accused, my lord, first, mr. Benkle.
Now mr. Benkle, you are the editor
and the proprietor of the weekly Argus?
Yes, yes, I am.
While speaking editorially, what is your
view of mr. Chabinchara's column?
Oh, interesting, lively, obvious
reader appeal. I enjoy it myself.
- And would you follow its advice?
- Certainly not.
- Not even on your birthday?
- Not even then.
So your view is that these
astrological predictions
were intended as entertainment,
pure and simple?
Yes, yes.
Yes, and if anyone chose
to take them more seriously,
then that was there lookout, not yours?
- Yes, exactly.
- Thank you.
Now, mr. Benkle, just one moment,
I see that you have with you
your copy of the weekly Argus.
Which, like Gaul, is
divided into three parts.
In the first part we have
news and political comment,
in the second portion we have dramatic
criticism and photographs of young ladies,
and in the third and final section we
have articles of general instruction.
Yes, yeah, that's about it.
Yes. In that final
section, we have travel,
home hints, Sagittarius,
and gardening notes.
- Yes.
- Yes, in that order.
Hang on. Yeah, that's about right, yeah.
Then could you explain how a reader is
supposed to differentiate between them?
I don't follow.
Well in this section,
three of these contributions
are obviously intended
to give serious guidance.
Well no, not exactly serious.
Come come. Come now, mr. Benkle,
please. I would like you to read for me
if you will, the gardening
notes in that section.
Out loud?
Yes out loud, so that his lordship
and the jury may hear.
It's all about slugs.
Good. Let's hear about slugs then.
"Slugs in the lettuce beds may be destroyed
during the spring months
by a judicious application of turpentine."
Well now that is meant to be
taken seriously, surely?
Well, in this case, yes.
Then how are your readers
supposed to differentiate
between the sagacious advice
on the left and the right
and the predictions of
the stars in the middle?
Sagittarius' column is meant
to be funny entertainment.
Yes, well why don't you
tell your readers that?
- I don't follow.
- Well why don't you print a warning
to the effect that the management
cannot be held responsible
for any losses sustained
due to reading this column?
- But that would destroy the whole point.
- Ah, so then it is to be taken seriously?
- Well no, not seriously.
- Well come along now mr. Benkle,
come along, you can't have it both ways.
I'm sure that both my lord and the
jury will agree with me on that.
Now mr. ... How do you pronounce
your name in full?
Franzyjozef Chabinchara-Postalapretski.
- Ah.
- With a hyphen.
Oh yes. Thank you. Well now,
for the purpose of this Court
I think that we can refer
to you as Sagittarius,
your pseudonym in the weekly Argus, yes?
Yes, I do.
You do? Well, do you agree with the,
that the main object of this column
of yours is to entertain your readers?
No, I don't.
You don't? Oh, I see.
Well then may I ask what is
the object of your column?
To enlighten my readers.
Yes, but surely not to seriously
prophesy the future?
If the minds are closed like yours,
one may play the other.
- Play the what?
- The other.
- A musical instrument?
- No.
Oh my lord, I fancy he means
adder, you see, a snake.
- Adder.
- Yes.
In fact I think it is
a biblical reference.
There is some mention in the psalms of
the deaf adder that stoppeth her ears.
Thank you mr. Haddock.
Well, sir Joshua,
does this little bit
of totally irrelevant
information get us any further?
My lord. Now mr. Sagitarius, would
you not agree that your editor
was the best person to assess
the appeal of your column?
I mean he said it was
entertainment pure and simple.
Of course, what can you expect?
He is a gout.
He has gout?
No, he hasn't got a gout.
He is gout.
I'm sorry, I'm afraid I don't follow you.
A gout. With the horns.
Oh! I see, a goat!
That's what I say, a gout.
I see. Well I presume, my lord, that
this is another sign of the zodiac.
Yes, that's right, it is
a sign of the zodiac,
December the 21st to January the 20th.
Ah yes. Now, mr Sagitarius...
Capricorn of course. Yes.
The tenth sign of the zodiac.
Strictly speaking the 11th.
Oh, no no no. No. December's
goes trim wintry blast,
Aquarius reigns, the fish
comes last, you see.
Yes, but due to the precession
for equinox...
Yes, of course, and in conjunction
with the Sun and Mercury...
Really my lord, is this court to
become an astrologists convention?
Well, he's your witness, sir Joshua.
My lord, if mr. Haddock can be restrained.
Well, I'm just trying to lend
a helping hand, that's all.
- I see. Right. Now then mr. ...
- Chabinchara-Postalapretski...
...Chabinchara-Postalapretski,
why should the fact
that mr. Benkle was
born under Capricorn
prevent him from controlling the
contents of his own newspaper?
It doesn't prevent him from controlling
it, only from understanding it.
Why?
Gouts are obtuse, obstinate,
and self-opinionated.
And you are not?
Of course not! I was born under libra.
My lord, I don't think the facts of this
case need any further comment from...
Thank you, sir Joshua, I wish all advocates
would follow that course.
Well now, members of the jury, this
case is really a perfectly simple one.
In spite of the determined
efforts of both counsel
to prolong and complicate matters,
by introducing testimony that I thought
colourful and fascinating at times,
except for the fact that it has little or
nothing to do with anything in particular.
Now members of the jury, the Prevention
of frauds investment Act 1939
lays it down that, for a statute of the
realm is in a reasonably clear language,
that stockbrokers may
make public prognostications
about the future behaviour of stocks and
shares, but that astrologers may not.
And there can be no
question that the accused
have both committed an
offense against the Act,
and I shall direct you as a matter of law
to bring in a formal verdict of guilty.
However it will only be a formality,
because I intend to impose no penalty.
I have considerable, considerable
sympathy for the accused,
and I shall considered
justice has been served
if I bind them both over conditionally.
The condition being that mr. ...
Mr., may I call you mr. Sagittarius?
- Please, yes.
- Thank you.
Well, that mr. Sagittarius will
confine his prognostications
in the future to sport, politics, romance,
and other equally unimportant topics,
but to leave the sanctity
of the Stockmarket
to its own high
priests and prophets.
And you can spell that last word
whichever way you please.
Thank you, members of the jury,
you are now discharged.
- Hello Florence.
- Oh hello dear.
- Are the scramblers ready?
- They won't be long. How did it go?
- Oh, I won.
- Oh, I'm so glad, dear.
I hope that poor mr. Sagittarius
wasn't sent to prison.
What do you mean, poor mr. Sagittarius?
He lost you 100 pounds, didn't he?
Well he did dear, and then again he didn't.
What on earth are you
talking about Florence?
Would you like to open this Albert?
Champagne, have you gone
mad, we can't afford
to drink champagne at lunchtime
during the weekday.
- I can.
- Or any other time of...
What did you say?
- Come along Albert, dear, open it.
Well, I will if you say so
my dear, but why?
Well I've just won two hundred and fifty
pounds with the premium bond.
You haven't, you clever girl.
I'll get this open in a jiffy.
It's all due to mr. Sagittarius.
Well it can't be, I just had him defrocked.
Oh yes, but this was six months ago.
Six months ago on my birthday, you see,
he wrote that all Pisceans would
find the numbers four five
lucky for them if they
were born after midnight.
Well, when you come to think of it,
everybody's born after midnight.
Oh now don't quibble, dear.
Anyway I was down in the post office
sending off my thank-you letters...
Yes, you know, you were always
a very good girl about that.
Yes, I was rather, wasn't I?
And I suddenly found
I had a pound, more or less, to spare.
That's more than I can say these days.
So I bought a premium bond.
What you think it's number was?
Four five four five four five.
- The winning number!
- Yes!
Well, I haven't got another bond, dear,
you always said they're a fraud,
because of inflation.
Well you know, Florence,
even I can be wrong sometimes.
Well you... Oh!