Misfits (2009–2013): Season 4, Episode 3 - Episode #4.3 - full transcript

You're on community service?

Don't look like the type.

Looks can be deceiving.

That's six quid.

Don't take it personally,

I see all these girls coming on
to him. I think he might be gay.

We have found a spacious,
rent-free hall.

You mean you're moving
into the community centre?

We're going to be flatmates.

I'm your new probation worker.

You cross me and I will...



fuck you like you have
never been fucked before.

Who are you?

I'm Lola.
I'm a trainee probation worker.

You're a trainee probation worker?!

LOLA: Is that going to be
a problem for you?

(UKULELE BEING TUNED)

(UPBEAT UKULELE MUSIC)

(KEYS JANGLE,
METAL DOOR CLOSES)

MAN: Get your stuff. Time to go.

DRIVER: Where to?

Take me home.

Looks like rain.

Will you behave?

Honestly, it's shaping up
to be a beautiful day, this.



It's full of wonder
and endless possibility. Look at it.

(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)

it The city breathing

# The people churning

it The conversating

# The price is what?

It The conversating

# This place is heaven

# And if you see them... #

Are you sure you don't need it?

No. Take it. It's yours.

Look at you. All grown up.

I remember
when you used to have nightmares.

You used to get into bed - my bed -
and we'd snuggle up.

You were all...snuggly.

Was I?

Look, just because me and your dad
aren't together any more...

You know
I'm still here for you, right?

Sure.

Great. I think we're good to go.

OK.

So...that was fucking weird, eh?

What?

The thing with your step mum
coming on to you.

What? She wasn't!

Mmm.

That? That's just how she is.

She's...she's very affectionate.

When she wants to fuck someone.

She used to have sex with me dad.

You know, there are bounds,
whatever they are, and m...me

we - me and her-

I'm out of them and, well, so is she.
Just out of bounds.

So if I'd have had sex with your dad,
you wouldn't sleep with me?

Jesus.

Now I've got an image
of you having sex with me dad.

Uh-huh.

Was it from behind?

It is now!

I fucked your mum.

I didn't.

So, new TV. Big moment. You could
come over later and watch a DVD.

You live in the community centre.

I'm not going all the way home
and coming back, again.

You could not go home
and watch a DVD.

All right. Just as long as you're not
one of those man-child wankers

who's obsessed with Star Wars.

It's Harry Potter with me.

You know what really intrigued me
about the whole franchise?

At what point does it become OK
to want to fuck Hermione?

Me'? I'm a Goblet Of Fire man.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

(ENGINE STARTS)

'Ey, don't forget to sign on.
How do they expect us to survive

on single benefits
when there's two of us?

I'm not sure the benefit system was
designed for situations like ours.

Go and see Mum and Dad.

See if you can't guilt-trip them
into giving you some money.

Steal if you have to.

Dad usually keeps a couple of quid
under that...

crappy polar bear
paperweight thing.

Look, I'm not your slave.

Go and get some crisps.
Cheese and onion.

No, fuck it,
let's go exotic - prawn cocktail.

Do you want to be Rudy One,
or do you want to be Rudy Two?

I'll be...Rudy Too -
spelled T, double O, because I am.

I get it. Will you...
What's wrong with me toothbrush?

You don't have a toothbrush.

I'm sharing with Finn.

Does he know that?

Does he need to know that?

Look, you take care of your teeth
and I'll take care of mine.

You really are
a petty, selfish little man.

There's no crisps for you.
Just fuck off.

(MUTTERS) Yeah.

Fuck it.

(CHUCKLES)

"I'll be Rudy Too - T, double O,
because I am." You fucking...

What, did you forget something?

Is that a ukulele? What the bloody hell
are you doing with that?

You know them things
remind me of him.

Yeah, well, when you're locked
in a prison cell 23 hours a day,

there's not much else to do than
masturbate and play ukulele.

What?

No hug?

What are you doing here?

I came to see you.

I feel the least you owe me
is an apology for getting me sent down.

I don't know what
you're talking about, mate.

You two sent me out to get us
some Curly Wurlys.

The police just so happened to know
exactly where I'd be.

You're a fucking psychopath.
You're a liability, mate.

You nearly battered that guy
half to death.

I taught him a valuable lesson.

You bit his frigging ear off.

Well, he should've listened to me.

What's the point in having ears
if you're not gonna use 'em?

Yeah, what about his nose?

His nose was just for the comedy.

I've got a present for you.

Have you?

I believe this is yours.

Ah, you're all right.
I've gone off them.

They're...they're very sugary.
You know...

Take it.

- Take it.
- I don't want to.

Take the fucking candy bar, take it!
Take it, take it.

Fuck it.

What do you say?

Thank you.

That wasn't so bad, was it?

Please, please...

Bye-bye.

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

Oh, you handsome bastard.

Hello.

Was there something you wanted?

I like watching other people work.

You can take over if you like.

Nah, I'm good, thanks.

Now scrub the fucking wall.

Are you allowed to talk to us
like that?

Are you going to report me?

Scrub it.

Fuck you.

- Is this some kind of power trip to you?
- Now he's getting it.

You know,
maybe I came down here last night

and graffitied all over the walls
just so I could watch you scrub it off.

Yeah. Right.

Sure you did.

You intrigue me.

Just to restate the obvious,
me and you is never going to happen.

From what I can see,
it isn't going to happen with anyone.

When was the last time
you even got laid?

Fuck off.

Has it been a while?

What are we talking,
like, a couple of months? Six?

A Year?

How do you know it still works?

One thing's for certain,
you'll never find out.

What happened?

Did someone hurt you?

You don't know anything about me,
so don't act like you do.

You act all tough and sassy.

That's an act.

I see right through you.

Take your hand off me.

Or what?

We're just talking.

You stay the fuck away from me.

I can't, I can't do that now.
I'm drawn to you.

You're special.

I enjoyed our little chat.

To be continued, yeah?

You're acting again.

We forgot the remote control
for the TV. There's no remote.

And to a guy,
that's like losing a testicle.

It's like losing three testicles.
We need to go round to Lisa's to get it.

And by "we", I mean
you need to drive me round there.

And there's no way you can just get up
and walk over to the TV

when you need to change channels?

Is that a joke? This isn't the '70s.

OK. Whatever.

Are you OK?

This whole thing with inviting me
over to watch a DVD.

It's cos you want
to get in my knickers, right?

Is that a trick question?

I just want you to be straight with me.

It's not a deal breaker.

It's not like I need to be
fingering a girl to enjoy a movie,

you know, far from it.

I mean, if we're going there,
I'll settle for a kiss,

maybe a feel of your tits.

Are we haggling?
I feel like I'm in a Moroccan souk.

Go and get the remote control.

Right.

I forgot the remote control.

Were you checking me out?

What? No.

Who? I-l was...

The remote control. Thank God.

It's like losing three testicles.

Finn, relax. It's not like
you haven't seen my arse before.

At least you think I've got
something worth looking at.

I should probably go.

What?

When I was with your dad...

did you fancy me?

No. Why would you?
You're... No.

Well, I'm closer to your age
than I am your dad's.

I know what teenage boys are like.

Not this one. I'm like, exams, sport,
girls me own age.

I know you used to, um...

masturbate over those topless photos
of me.

You've got the wrong guy.

Er, I found them
hidden under your mattress.

You know, I...

(CLEARS THROAT)

...probably shouldn't say this, but...

I liked it.

The thought of you...

...touching yourself
while you looked at me.

Long time ago. It's all a blur.

Can I please just get
the remote control?

Sure.

Thanks.

I still think of you looking at me.

That's nice.

(Mo/ms)

Are you out of your fucking mind?

I think about you and me.

- You shouldn't be doing that.
- Oh, yeah?

No.

What the f...?

No, no, no. No, don't do...don't do that.

No, no! Yes, yes...

(THEY MOAN)

(GROANS)

Shall we go to bed?

L---

I just need to use your bathroom.

Phoo.

One remote control.
Mission accomplished. Let's go.

Are you OK?

I'm good. Remote control in hand.

Start the engine.

Unh! You come in my mouth and then
you go running back to your girlfriend!

Good one. She's hilarious.
Mental. Drive the car.

Your boyfriend just
put his cock in my mouth.

In her dreams.

(TYRES SQUEAL)

Jess. I'm sorry. It was an accident!

These things happen!

I'm such a mess.

I'm such a fucking mess.

Probably best not to tell me dad
about any of this.

I really don't see it
helping anyone.

You're walking away?

You're just like him.

You're just like your dad.

He's definitely taller.

I thought you liked me?

I do.

I like your hair.

It's just...

l have to....
I've left a chicken in the oven.

I went to go and see Mum and Dad.

Mum's not very happy.

She says she caught Dad staring at
some woman's tits in the Happy Eater.

Dad said...he was admiring her blouse,

which seems very...unlikely.

I don't know why
he puts up wi' her shit.

He should cave her skull in
with that crappy polar bear paperweight.

What's up with you?

It's more of a question
of what's in me.

Have you taken an E?

You're high enough as it is.

I'm... I'm sitting this one out,
thank you very much.

Absolutely ridiculous idea, you stu...

It's you.

Nice to see me, to see me...

What have you done wi' him?

Where's Rudy One?

He's in here. Ain't he?

What d'you want?

If you want to get psychological?

I reckon Freud would probably say
I wanted to fuck me mum.

I'd say, "Freud, you haven't seen our mum
lately. Maybe Auntie Barbara."

Auntie Barbara's dead.

Well then, I guess she's off the menu.

We'll leave town.
We'll do whatever you want.

Just please let him go.

You think he's your friend?

When I pitched up here this morning,
he had your toothbrush up his arse.

It was a joke, man!

Get back in there, you.

That's the last we'll hear from you.

Bollocks.

(STRUMS UKULELE)

Fuck.

(CONTINUES STRUMMING)

(STRUMS UKULELE)

So that was weird, right?

The whole crazy thing with Lisa.
I can explain.

You can explain how you fucked her?

- I didn't fuck her.
- Who's that?

His step mum. He's a stepmother-fucker.

Oh, man!

One, she isn't me step mum,
and two, I didn't fuck her.

She just sucked him off.

You're a stepmother-sucker?

One, I didn't suck anything.

Two, she's a woman,
she hasn't got a penis.

Oh, she's the stepmother-sucker.

No! One, she isn't me step mum. Two...

Can we talk about something else?

So she did suck you off?

Only technically.
It was an accident.

You tripped
and inserted your cock in her mouth?

We're in the kitchen and suddenly
she starts going down on me.

Before I could stop her, she gets me ff...
out and rams it in her...

and I was like, "Whoa!"
And then I was like...

Coming in her mouth.

Thank you.

I think everyone got it.

If you really wanted to stop her,
you could have grabbed a fork

and then rammed it in her eye.

Perhaps a little extreme?

Why don't you just tell the truth?

Oh, I'm sure you put up
a huge fight,

but then you felt the tip
of your cock slide into her mouth

and it were all warm, weren't it?
And wet and grabby.

"I'm getting my dick sucked!
I'm fucking invincible!"

You just had to spray your seed
down the back of her throat,

you couldn't help yourself.

Do you know why?

Cos you're pathetic.

You deserve better.

Prick.

Aren't you?

Someone's got his period.

- Jess...
- You're full of shit.

Stepmother-sucker.

Sweet.

She isn't my step...

What are you doing?

Nothing. I wasn't doing anything.

Don't lie to me.

Because if there's one thing I hate
more than pedophiles...

...it's liars.

OK.

I'll definitely remember that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's the magic word?

Excuse me?

Say the magic word.

Excuse me.

That's two words.

Word.

Singular.

Try again.

Please?

Please? Please, what?

I... I don't know.

I don't know the magic word.

Were we given a magic word?

The magic word...

...is "potato".

Potato.

(SOUL MUSIC PLAYS)

Hi.

Drink?

Vodka.

Ice?

You going to pay for that?

Are you going to make me pay for it?

You sure you're a trainee
probation worker?

Because you don't act like one.

Maybe I only want to be
a probation worker...

so I can meet bad boys.

Is that right?

Finn.

What're you doing here?

- I wanted to talk to you about yesterday.
- Right. OK.

Always good to talk.

I didn't mean to freak you out.
I know I came on quite strong.

You probably think I'm insane.

No. You're...you're kooky.
You're definitely kooky.

I don't want you to think of me
as...as your step mum.

I don't, because you aren't.

You and Dad never married.

Never...married.

Right. So there's...there's no reason
that we can't be together.

Except there is.

I'm dying.

No, I'm obviously not dying.

- I could be.
- Finn, I know it's complicated.

I know you have feelings for me

and the last thing that I want to do
is mess it up.

We can...take things slowly.

Slow is good.

Slow is very good.

Let's slow things right down...
to a crawl.

Why don't you come round tonight?
We can talk...

Tonight? ls... Is that slow?

That seems pretty fast.

Do you like me or not?

Of course I like you. Hey?

I like your hair.

So you'll come round tonight?

I'll cook your favourite.

Excellent.

(SLOW MUSIC PLAYS)

They've been there all night.

I'll leave them to it, then.

Well, do you want a drink?

I was going to have one
before we close up.

OK.

What do you think she's thinking?

I think she's thinking,

"Why is Curtis drinking
with a trainee probation worker?"

Maybe...she thinks we're fucking.

Would you like people to think that?

I guess it depends.

On what?

Whether we are.

Good night?

It's work, you know.

So, um...where's that guy
I always see you with in here?

Careful. That sounds like
you're interested in me,

and from what I hear,
you're not interested in girls.

You think I'm gay?
Who told you that?

Curtis.

He said you're always knocking back
girls when they come on to you.

And that makes me gay?

I don't know. Does it?

Having sex with men -
that makes you gay.

So if you're not gay, how comes
you knock all these girls back?

Well...if I was really smooth...

...then I would look you in the eye

and I would say,

"Because they're not you."

I could see a girl going for that.

Not me.

Other girls.

I should close up.

D'you want to come back to mine
for a drink?

Forget I asked.

No. It's just, urn...

Sure.

Be right back.

My, er... My neighbor’s
just called me.

He said my flat's been broken into.

I have to go.

If you didn't want to come back
to mine, why didn't you just say?

You make up some bullshit story?

- It's not like that.
- What is it, then?

It's not you.

(GASPS)

You scared the shit out of me,
you stupid prick!

What are you doing?

Following you.

You know what? I'm really not
in the mood for your creepy shit!

Bad night?

Do you want to talk about it?

What's your problem?

What do you want from me?

Do you want to fuck me?
You know what?

Get it out of your system. Go ahead!
Come on! Fuck me!

Don't talk like that.

That isn't...who you are.

You're better than that.

So now you don't want
to have sex with me?

I want to give you something pure
and something...honest.

I see them cunts, lying to you.

They don't know how special you are.

They're not fit to lick
the shit off me own boots.

Me? I find the dog
that did that shit

and I'll wring his furry little neck.

That's quite a speech.

Hmm, I'll never lie to you.

See you tomorrow.

(PHONE RINGS)

Lisa. Hey! I'm really sorry
I couldn't come round last night.

It's a funny story.

Don't do that.

Lisa! Lisa! Listen, listen to me!
Do not tell me dad!

Lisa? Lisa?!

# Ten English pounds
and these not pavement fields

it As though Fm moving to the end

# Am I moving to the end
of your loving?

# How...how did I do this?

# Me, I put the wall around my heart

# Why didn't I notice

# Such a cold detachment
from the start? #

Dad?

Hi.

I really need to do some exercise.

I just thought I'd swing by.

- Why's that?
- You know, cos...

I wanted to let you know I love you.

I don't say it enough.
I love you, Dad.

Lisa told me.

She's lying. She's a fucking liar!

Well, what did she tell you?

She told me what happened.

Oh, did she?

She says she sucked your cock.

What's she like?
What a crazy thing to say!

Fuck!

I tried to stop her.
She's on her knees,

ramming my cock in her mouth
like a starving African at a food camp.

It sounds worse than it is.

You f...

How could you do that?
Jesus, Finn!

Dad, I'm sorry.

It's fucking sick!
That's your step mum.

Is it? You two never married, so...

Oh. right!

Dad, I am so sorry.

Look, I'm not your dad.

You think I'm fucking joking?
I'm not your dad.

I took you on.

And I raised you, even though
I knew you weren't mine.

You f... You do this to me?

Wh-Wh-What are you talking about?

Of course you're me dad.

You have to be. Look at us.

Look how short we are!

You're not mine, Finn.

You never were.

So now you know, you can fuck off.

I am gonna tear each and every one of you
a new arsehole.

'(om!

- You're down for two.
- Is there a problem?

- Shut it, Snoop Dogg.
- Snoop Dogg?

Which one of you little fuckers
stole the wedding cake?

I think the bride ate it.

I saw her earlier, and...

...well, she's no...stranger
to the dessert trolley.

You're on three.

Three arseholes.

My office, one at a time.

We'll start with you, my little princess.

Why me? I didn't take anything.

(MOCK SOBS)

"Why, Mama?"

You all just made my list
of people to fuck up today.

I guarantee
you won't shit right for a week.

So who took the cake?

Odds are it was a fat person.

Cos they're weak,

and they're craven,

and they fuckin' love cake.

- (# SPANDAU BALLET: True)
- MAN: Testing, testing, one, two, three.

It ...I know this much is true

# Ha ha-ha haa, ha

# I know this much is true... #

Where's the probation worker?

I hate to disappoint you...

...but the probation worker...

...won't be joining us.

- How come?
- Cos...

...somebody's locked him in the toilets.

He's not an 'appy man.

Have you thought about
what I said to you?

What's happened to you?

You've changed.

I tell you what - I'll show you mine
if you show me yours.

And I'm talking secrets,
rather than genitals.

And why should I tell you anything?

What's the point in talking
if it's just more bullshit?

OK.

You first.

You're different.
What's going on with you?

There's three of me.

There's the two you've met already,
and then there's me.

- I'm a whole different person.
- (FEEDBACK)

(# LOS DEL RIO: Macarena)

(MUSIC STOPS)

It's your go.

Someone hurt you, didn't they?

Who was he?

I thought he was my best friend.

- Where are they, the other Rudys?
- What's the saying now?

You, er...

...keep your friends close...

...and your enemies closer.

They're your enemies?

(# LOS DEL RIO: Macarena)

(MUSIC STOPS)

That's my turn.

This bloke. What did he do?

I used to have an eating disorder.

I wasn't... I wasn't very happy.

Danny was there for me.
He was the only person I could talk to.

I told him stuff.

Things I've never told anyone else.

We started sleeping together.

Just like that, he stopped calling me.

He moved on to some other messed-up girl.

He befriended her and then he fucked her.

I took some pills and washed them down
with a bottle of vodka.

I guess I wanted to die.

Everything he has ever said to me
was a lie.

(# LOS DEL RIO: Macarena)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Where were you before?

I was in prison.

The two other Rudys betrayed me...

...set me up.

Betrayed by the two people
I was closest to.

Have you been with anyone else since him?

I haven't even kissed a guy
in over three years.

Why were you in prison?

I enjoy hurting people.

(# LOS DEL RIO: Macarena)

(DOOR SLAMS)

(RECORD SCRATCHES
AND MUSIC STOPS)

(# CHRIS DE BURGHI Lady In Red)

# Never seen you looking so lovely
as you did tonight

# I've never seen you shine so bright

# Mm-hmm, mm-mm

# I've never seen so many men ask you
if you wanted to dance

# Looking for a little romance

# Given half the chance

# I have never seen that dress
you're wearing

# Or the highlights in your hair
that catch your eyes

#1 have been blind

it The lady in red

# ls dancing with me

# Cheek to cheek

# There's nobody here... #

What d'you want from me?

# ...it's just you and me... #

All my life, I've wanted to know
what it'd feel like to kill someone.

From the moment I saw you,
I knew you were the one.

Hmm?

I wanna know what it feels like to slowly
squeeze the life out of your body.

I wanna feel you go limp...

...in my hands.

I wanna share this with you.

Don't struggle. Sssh!

You're so beautiful.

(THUMP)

(RUDY GASPS)

No.

You lied to me.

Let the other Rudys go.
It's over. Let them go.

Kiss me.

Let them go.

Kiss me.

# ...l have never had such a feeling

# Such a feeling
of complete and utter love

# As I do tonight

it The lady in red

- # ls dancing with me... #
- That wasn't so bad, was it?

You get out there now.

Get yourself some cock.

Promise me.

- I promise.
- Yeah.

(GASPS)

Let them go. Please.

For me.

What does it feel like?

To kill someone?

It's horrible.

Seriously?

Where's the fun in that?

# ...l never will forget

# The way you looked tonight

# The lady in red... #

I'll get the shovels.

# ...Lady in red... #

Your dad isn't your dad?

So, wait, who is your dad?

Turns out me mum was a bit of a slut.

Ooh.

Quite a lot of a slut.

A huge, gigantic...

Oh, I'm trying not to think about it.

No, I mean, cos it could be anyone.
Could be me, could be him.

Except you would have needed
to travel back in time.

It was him!
He had the power to rewind time.

I didn't travel through time
to fuck his mum.

Yeah, all right.
Well, I'm gonna side with him,

cos of the whole...skin tone thing, so...

Going over here.

I'm sorry.

The whole Lisa thing.

I'm a fucking idiot.

Are we...?

Are we OK?

You are a fucking idiot...

and a total prick-
just a really big, purple bell-end.

We're fine.

So if you're not doing anything later,

d'you wanna not go home
and watch a DVD with me?

Some other time. Stabbing someone
to death with a pair of scissors...

Not really a popcorn moment.

(PANTING AND MOANING)

# Ain't no love in the heart of the city

# Ain't no love... #

Got you a present.

# ...Ain't no love and it sure is a pity

# Ain't no love... #

So you are a bad boy after all.

# When you were mine... #

That...

is fucking nice cake.

# This old neighbourhood... #

What needs to be done...
needs to be done.

You're gonna bring him
back to life, aren't you?

You used me.

He says he's gonna kill me.

JESS: I think Curtis is in trouble.

I'm not gonna let that happen.

He attacked me.

- (COCKS GUN)
- Have you got any jelly?

What d'you need jelly for?

I would've thought that was
pretty friggin' obvious. Check that out.

Where are you, you little shit? Come on!

Some things were just not meant to be.

Are you sure we can't...

manufacture some sort
of an 'appy ending?