Misfits (2009–2013): Season 3, Episode 5 - Episode #3.5 - full transcript

You think you can get rid of me?
I'm a part of you.

Oh, you're such a whiny little bitch!

- I am you!
- You're nothing to do with me!

Ohm

Phoah!

What the fuck is going on?

It's me auntie. Who d'you think it is(?)

You've got a twin brother?

Well, nowt's getting past you(!)

Oh, my God.
You fancy him, don't you?

KELLY: Has this got something to do
with the dead girl at the cemetery?



- How d'you know about that?
- Who was she?

SETH: She was my girlfriend.

She died. Drugs overdose.

Me and you fought the Nazis
and I died?

KELLY: You kissed me
when you gave me the power.

- And how was that?
- Yeah, it was all right.

Big news.
You're gonna be doing some gardening.

Gardening?

Uh, I had a call from this guy
at Wertham General.

He's got some weeds need weeding,
got plants need planting.

I said, "Yes, mate.
I'll put my top people right on it."

I'd got meself geared up
for dog shit, here, mate.

I thought we were doing dog shit, man.

It's... it's fine.



Tools are in the storeroom,
hospital's that way.

KELLY: Fuckin' gardenin'.

(WHISPERING) What's he doing here?

Do you think he's here
to take our powers?

RUDY: It's the law of the jungle,
kill or be killed.

Hi.

You motherfucker! What's that?

Ha-ha! No, I'm sorry. I am so sorry.
I'm sorry, I made a mistake,

I've made a mistake, I've made... Argh!

Sorry. He's got me.
Help me or he's gonna break it.

What the fuck are you doing?
Why are you here?

Er...

Um...

I just came to see
if you wanted to go for a drink.

(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)

# "The city breathing"

# "The people churning"

# "The conversating"

# "The price is what?"

# "The conversating"

# "This place is heaven"

# "And if you see them"

# "They're saying what?" #

Are you OK?

Yeah.

I thought that went really well.

So did you want to go
for that drink... like a date?

Yeah.

Good.

I was... thinking,
bar on the estate, half seven?

Wow, the bar on the estate.

Classy/U)

All right, then. I'll see you later.

What about Shannon?

You were right.

She's not coming back.

I wonder what happens when he, er...
when he shags you.

Reckon he takes your powers?

Maybe that's it, right?

Maybe he gets his kicks
from just going round, shagging girls

and stealing their powers, hmm?

- Why would he do that?
-ldunno.

Why... Why does Richard Saunders
film himself crapping out of trees?

Who's Richard Saunders?

A friend. Just promise me one thing,
you'll make him wear a condom.

Can you just shut up about him?

Better still, make him wear two.

Double-bag it!

(LIFE SUPPORT MACHINE
BEEPS STEADILY)

MAN: I need to get some bread.

I went to make some toast this morning
and it was all mouldy.

We're out of cereal as well.

I'll stop somewhere on the way home.

Maybe just get a takeaway.

I can't do this.

I just can't see you like this any more.

I loved you so much.

Goodbye, Jen.

(LIFE SUPPORT MACHINE
PACE INCREASES)

(WARNING ALARM DRONES)

Are you all right?

D'you want me to get someone?

(LIFE SUPPORT MACHINE
BEEPS STEADILY)

Hey.

I know you can hear me.

And I just wanna say sorry.

I have to do this.

I have to get back to him.

I used to hate it,
how dark they kept it in here.

Oi, that walk to the hospital,
man, it took ages.

Really? That's interesting(!)

There's an anger management counsellor
here for you.

- For me?
- Yeah. It's all part

of your on-going rehabilitation.

Did you have the last Twix?

Yes.

She's waiting for you in my office.

Enjoy.

For fuck's sake.
It wasn't even me, it was him.

Who?

Who d'you think? This whiny little prick
in here. The other me.

I was seeing this girl, right.
Nice girl, Dutch-Irish.

Had a webbed foot. Left foot, fine.
Right foot, just a little bit creepy.

Maybe... Might have been
the other way around.

Anyway, so we have this great big row,
we end up breaking up.

Honestly, I weren't that bothered

cos there's plenty more fish
in the sea and all that.

She couldn't wear flip-flops. Because
of the web, she had no toe-groove.

Anyway, so we split up.

You know, she's really angry,

starts running her mouth off,
all gets a little bit personal.

Honestly, dude, I were fine wi' it, mate.
Not him.

He starts getting himself all upset,
ends up trashing her car,

she rang the police.

Boom.

So that's why
you're on community service?

Yes! Y-Yes.

He did it, I took the rap.
I'm totally innocent.

Mmm.

Yes.

We should write a campaign song.

Do some wristbands.

You, you're very clever,
aren't you, eh?

So my name's Clare Bradman,
I'm a behavioural therapist

and I specialise in issues
around anger management.

First of all, I don't want you to feel
intimidated - you're not on trial.

All we do is
we just sit here and we talk.

We talk?

You sound surprised.

Well, yeah, because
it's anger management.

I... I dunno. I thought
we'd be smashing some stuff up

or putting some boxing gloves on,

taking turns beating the shit
out of each other.

Do we not?

We don't do that, do we?

- I'm afraid not.
- Yeah,

well, I'm gonna have to be honest
with you, Clare, when I say...

that I'm disappointed.

- Why don't we make a start?
-Mm?

Huh...

(DOOR BUZZER)

Hi.

Hello?

You probably don't remember me.

I was a friend of Jen's.
We were at school together.

Right.

Can I come in?

Er, yeah. Sure.

Shall we talk some more
about the incident with the car?

Yeah, if you want.

What was it, do you think,
that made you react the way you did?

I honestly don't know.

It were a full moon.
I tend to go a bit mental on a full moon.

I'm, like, half-wolf.

I do have exceptionally hairy balls, so...

- Can I ask you something?
- Mm.

Did you wet the bed as a child?

N-No.

It's just it's often linked
to anger issues in adults.

There's no shame in it.

Where d'you get this sort of stuff from?
Cos it's...

I've dealt with individuals

who've wet the bed
well into their late teens.

And I know it can be very traumatic...

- (GRUNTS)
...as a child,

to have to go through all that
on your own.

Yeah, can it? Just... give me a minute,
cos I've got, er...

things I just need to...

Nice one.

(DOOR SHUTS)

This is such bullshit.

- She's onto you. I think she knows.
- She doesn't know anything.

She knows you're a bed-wetter.

I'm not a bed-wetter!
I haven't done that in years.

- Haven't you?
- Now, listen, that was one time.

And I was drunk.

Right? And everybody does that anyway,
so it's different.

I think we should go back in.
She's making some good points, man.

No, I'm not having you in here.

You... you're popping out every time
she gets personal.

You can wait for me outside.

(SIGHS)

CLARE: No, fine.
That's absolutely fine by me.

I was only trying to...

If that's how you feel.

(SOBS)

Are you OK?
D'you wanna talk about it?

I've been lucky.
Everyone's been really supportive.

Bringing me food, making sure I'm OK.

(PEN CLICKS)

Sorry, it's really weird.
It's just Jen used to do that.

Actually, do you mind
if we do this another time?

I'm having a bit of a shit day.

Dom.

It's OK.

Everything's gonna be OK.

It's me.

It's Jen. I'm Jen. In here.

What the fuck are you talking about?

What d'you wanna know?

Our first date?

We went to your cousin's house party
and we had this disgusting cherry vodka

and I was sick on your trainers,
and they were new,

and they were grey with red... red bits...

and we moved in here and I dropped
the TV and you shouted at me

and it still has all these weird lines
across the screen.

Everything you told me
at the hospital, about...

about your phone getting stolen,
about your dad breaking his finger.

And this morning, you told me
about the bread going mouldy.

I heard it. I heard everything, Dom.

Jen?

Have you seen Kelly?

Not since this morning.

I guess you've been stood up.

(DIALS NUMBER ON PHONE)

(RINGING TONE)

Hi, it's Kelly. I'm not about,
leave me a message.

- (BEEP)
- I'm in the bar. Where are you?

If you're not into me, just tell me, yeah?

# "First we'll kiss"

# "Then you will lock the door, my dear"

# "A perfect kiss..." #

You moved the sofa?

I just shifted some stuff around.

Flat screen TV?

Yeah, got it a couple of months ago.

- It looks nice.
- Cheers.

So much better in here.

Oh, this is so fucked up.

Yeah, pretty fucked up.

We should get a takeaway.

How about a Chinese?

- Yeah, OK.
- Cool. I'll just go and get changed.

# "You told me how could I really love you?"

# "Tomorrow, we will
not be clearer, clearer"

# "You broke my heart
when I've been loving

# "You took it away
and left me clearer, clearer

# "I knew not then that
that you've been lucky

# "I knew not then
what I would be taking on

# "I knew not then that I'm in love"

# "No reason to hope, no dreamers
No love star, love star

# "You told me how could I really love you"

# "You took my heart away"
and left me... #

I know this is weird, but this is
the only way we can be together.

Yeah, I know.

I am happy

I'm gonna order that Chinese.

I need to eat something
that doesn't come through a tube.

Oh!

Right, has anyone seen the other me?

He didn't come home last night,
you know.

- SIMON: No, sorry.
- Oh!

It's fine. I just... I feel weird when
he's not inside me, know what I mean?

I d... Not that kind of "inside me."
Don't do that.

Kelly's not here either.

Shit! You know what this means,
don't you, right?

Kelly and the other me,
they're fucking.

She didn't show up
for her date last night.

Right. You lot can fuck off
back to the hospital.

Except you.

Your shrink's here.

Again?

Oh, hold up. Where's the other one?

Oh, she just phoned me.
She's not well.

She... She's got period pains.

Bad... ones.

Don't you hate it
when that happens?

You know,
when you get the really bad ones?

Terrible.

Well... that's her in the shit.

Brilliant.

Dom?

# "Here we come, driving down"

# "Deep and wide"

# "Slow down"

# "On the beach..." #

- So...
- Here we are again.

I was thinking...

...for today's session...

...if it's OK with you...

...we could, um...

pick up where we left off.

That's interesting. That's...

Ohm

(MOUTHS)

(MOUTHS)

Hang... Hang on.

(DISTANT MOANS)

Oh, it's nothing.
Carry on, it's all right.

Oh, therapy...

I love it!

You all right?

Were you... wanking?

(SCOFFS) No!

So what if I was?

(CHUCKLES) You're wanking,
on your own, in a cupboard?

- We used to do it.
- Yeah, and it was weird then.

I never heard you complaining.

What's going on?

Have you been wanking?

Want to say it a bit louder?

What?

Why are you here?

What, you think
I was watching him wank?

That's what you used to do.

Right...
I'm not getting into this. It's too weird.

Oi! Come here!

Oh, let me tell you something, right.

She is one amazing therapist.

I can't believe the council
actually pay for that kind of thing.

And I tell you something else -
if I could be bothered,

I would write a letter to Social Services
and just congratulate them.

- Seriously.
- Move.

(WHISTLES)

W... Where have you been?

Nowhere.

- What's that?
- It's nothing.

What is that?

Is that a love? Ugh! It's a love bite!

What are you, a 12-year-old girl? (LAUGHS)

You are fucking Kelly! I knew it.

No... It's not Kelly.

It's Clare.

- The therapist?!
- Yeah.

Hang on, that explains a few things,
does that

What do you mean?

Your fuck-buddy
has just wanked me off.

- What?!
- Yeah, I know!

She just whipped it out,
she starts plugging away on it

like she were trying to break it.

Right, and why didn't you stop her?

Why would I do that? Eh?
God, she's intense, though, man.

Did she do all that crying straight after?
I mean, like, crying

immediately afterwards.

- I can't... I can't believe this.
- I've just shot me load,

she starts getting all heavy, like,

"I shouldn't be doing this,
I am a total mess."

(EXAGGERATED SOBBING)

At one point, I was honestly considering

just shoving me cock into her mouth
just to shut her up, mate.

Oi! Now you stop it! You don't
talk about my girlfriend like that.

(LAUGHS)

No... No! You're not...
you're not going out with her, man.

Well, she's better than some of the skanky
horrible sluts you end up with.

She's old and she's a... psychopath

and she cries
after she's wanked people off.

She cries because she cares.
Unlike you.

No, you... Listen.

You don't get to choose. I choose.
And that's how this thing works, right?

Now, you get back in here,
because I am not having people thinking

I'm fucking a 40-year-old woman.

No.

I love her.

And I don't care what you think.

Don't you walk out this room.

Kelly?

Kelly!

What are you doing?

I just wanted to come.

Why?

I... l dunno.

I'm not in there any more.
I'm right here.

So who is in there?

I don't know.

I've no idea.

Look, it just happened.

I was lying there, she came in
and we swapped.

That's not right, Jen.

So, what? You care more about
a girl that you've never met than me?

- No, of course I don't.
- Well, come on, seriously,

do you have any idea how sick I am
of being in this room?

Who is she, Jen?

Just forget about her!

I don't think I can.

OK, then.

What are you doing?

Turning her off. You'll have no choice,
you'll have to be with me.

You're not Jen.

You've changed.
I don't know who you are any more.

Dom, wait!

- Look, Dom, I didn't plan any of this.
- Get off me.

Dom, please don't go!

I came back to you.

Yeah? Well, I don't want you.

I don't want you like this.

Get off her!

Are you OK?

- I think you should leave.
- Yeah, so do I.

ALISHA: Kelly?

Come on, let's go.

- Hello.
- Hiya.

Er, just so you know, I've been having
a bit of a think about us...

Yeah, it's not gonna happen, right?
I mean, listen,

thanks for the hand job
and the sex and all that.

Brilliant. But you are...

You're quite old

and you cry...

a lot, hm?

Bye, then.

(SOBS)

(DOOR OPENS)

Who was the guy at the hospital?

Oh, I don't wanna talk about it.

Well, you should get changed
before the probation worker gets back.

Where were you last night?

Kelly, what happened?

You didn't even text me.

I was busy.

What, that's it? That's the best
you can come up with?

Will you just fuck off
and stop following me?

Hiya.

What?

I've... I've booked a table.

Do you like Italian food?

Are you taking the piss?

No. I'm not...

taking... taking the piss?

Prick!

Aaarghh!

Guys... Guys.

What's going on with Kelly?

How do you mean?

Well, she won't talk to me.

Can someone tell me what's going on?

Um...

Well, there was this guy.

- What, she's seeing someone else?
- No.

There's this guy in the hospital.
She had a fight with him.

Why?

I dunno. She won't talk about it.

Right, well, we need to find her.

Well... do your power thing,
find out where she is.

OK.

NURSE: Dr Jones is on her way.

(PANTS)

What? What is it?

Well, she's in the hospital.
I think it's serious.

DOW.!

Check again. Kelly Bailey-
five foot five, medium build.

Move.

Wears her hair pulled back, like, all...
like, all the way back, like that.

RECEPTIONIST: Sorry.
It's not coming up with anything.

It's the woman I saw. That way.

ALISHA: This is the room.

OK. That's not Kelly.

No, but she is sexy though, hm!

For a coma victim, she is.

Do it again.

It's her.

She's in there.

Who is?

Kelly. That's Kelly.

It's a body-swap.

They must've switched places.

Oh, my God.

This is like that film...

with Nicolas Cage in.

Face/Off.

"Face/Off" wasn't a body-swap -

they had surgery to look like each other.

Oh.

This is more like "Freaky Friday."

- It is...
- Who gives a shit?

What are we gonna do about Kelly?

Right, come on. Come on. Come on.

All right.

Why don't you check this out?

Wake up!

Wake up!

Wake... Wake up!

What are you doing?

I'm wake... I'm waking her up.

Don't you think if it was that simple
they might have tried that already?

Maybe they hadn't thought of that,
so why don't you just...

You're faking it, we all know it. We...

Oh. I didn't know she had visitors.

Are you family?

I'm her brother.

Could I have a word?

(WHISPERS) Dickhead!

Oooh, eh!

I've just spoken to your mother.

I don't know if she's told you yet.

She's made the decision
to turn Jen's ventilator off.

You may want to say goodbye.

No, you... you can't do that.

I'm sorry.

They're shutting her down.

What?

They're turning off her life support.

- We need to steal the body.
- Oh!

What are you saying?

If she dies, Kelly dies.

- OK, let's pack her up.
- And where we gonna take her?

The community centre.

The community centre. Brilliant.

Cos that is the perfect place
to take a girl in a coma, innit?

Right, you take the beepy thing, the
breathing thing and the piss-bag thing.

Hiya, hello.
I'm just visiting me granddad,

and I'm pretty sure
he's prolapsed his anus.

I mean, I'm not an expert or anything
but it's very much looking that way.

Could you just come
and have a quick look for me?

- Yeah.
- Nice one, cheers.

He's just down here,
he's in a terrible way.

- Really painful for him.
- OK.

Just prod him in the stomach
or something. Just there.

Oh, sh...!

Oi!

- Whoa, whoa...
- (MONITOR BEEPS)

(BEEPING STOPS)

Come on.

(ALARM BLARES)

Shit!

Grab her hand.

Can you just hurry up, yeah?

Wait! Wait!

Come on, let me just...

- Get in the front!
- Rudy!

- Drive.
- You all right?

Kel?

Kelly?

What you doing?

I've lost him.

I've lost everything.

I know exactly how you feel.

- Give you a hand.
- Move, man!

Oh... Oh, well, I feel like
I should be helping!

Call the other Kelly.

We need her to get here,
make her swap back.

Right, I'm on it.

She was me first, Clare.

I'd never really done it
without him before,

you know.

By meself, just me.

Afterwards, she just lay on me.

We were there for ages.

He just sleeps with people,

he's out of there before he's had time
to take his condom off.

I'm never gonna find anyone,
am I?

- Do you want another one?
- Yeah.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello?

RUDY: Hello?

What have you said to Clare?

What are you doing on Kelly's phone?

Where are you now?

I'm out. With Kelly.

No, no, no, that's not Kelly.

Kelly is in a coma - there's
somebody else inside her. Listen...

You need to get her back to the storeroom
at the community centre right now, mate,

or the real Kelly is gonna die.

We need to get away,
we need to get some fresh air.

What about the seaside?

Cos that always really cheers me up,
like, a nice donkey ride.

Eh, that's the probation worker's car.

Mm? I can drive us down there. Come on.

Keys are down here.

We could get some fish and chips.
Do you like fish and chips?

Course you like fish and chips!
It's just in here.

Um...

The keys are in there.

(MEDICAL EQUIPMENT BEEPS)

No.

You can't make me go back in there.

Why is there a girl in a coma
in the storeroom?

Hey, you're going nowhere.

Oh! Uhh!

We were supposed to be going out
for a drink together.

Me and Kelly.

I mean, It could've been nothing. Maybe
she would've been too high maintenance.

Maybe I would've got on her nerves.

But what if she liked me?

What if we were good together?

We were good together. Me and Dom.

What, the guy from the hospital?

I thought I could make it work.

I was wrong.

He doesn't love me any more.

Not like this.

That is not you.

I just don't want to be this person
any more.

SHAUN: You've called an ambulance, yeah?

- (WHISPERS) We should call an ambulance.
- (WHISPERS) We can't.

They'll think it's Kelly,
they'll arrest her.

It weren't Kelly, though, were it?

Yeah, well, try explaining that.

Why did she stab me?

What did I ever do to her?

That wasn't Kelly.

She swapped bodies.

What?

We've kind of got these powers.

We're like superheroes.

SIMON: Show him.

Come on. Just... come on.

SHAUNI What the fuck?

You'll be fine.

I can't believe
I never picked up on it. (LAUGHS)

You bunch of dicks.

Fucking superheroes.

(COUGHS)

# "And when I'm gone"

# "We'll meet again"

# "As often do the closest friends"

# "So dry your eyes"

# "And lay me down"

# "I tell you this is not the end"

# "And if someone..." #

You have to promise me.

If I go back in there...

...find Dom and bring him here.

I want him to see me one last time,

like I was.

Don't let him leave me like that.

You can't leave me in there.

Do you understand?

Understand.

Kelly?

You OK?

Come on.

It's what she wanted.

It's good to see you again.

I've missed you.

Goodbye, Jen.

(ELECTRONIC BEEPING)

(RAPID BEEPING)

(SOBS)

(FLATLINE TONE)

(SOBS)

So does this make the power guy...

one of the gang now?

Cos...

Oh, I don't know
how I feel about that, you know.

We're not a gang, man.
This ain't primary school.

What's his name anyway?

It's Seth.

(TUTS) Seth. Seth.

"All right, my name is Seth.
Can I be one of your gang?"

So I guess you stood me up.

I was in a fuckin' coma.

Oh, that's your excuse, is it?

Kell...

(WHISPERS) Sorry.

Can we, er, borrow
your boyfriend's BMW?

It's just, we've got a probation worker to
bury and he's actually quite heavy, so...

Thanks... Seth.

Nice one.

Cheers for getting me out
and everything.

It's OK.

But then I saved you from the Nazis,
so we're probably all square.

I'm glad you're back.

So you just fuck me and leave?
You said you weren't one of those guys!

Yeah. I lied.

You can't remember someone
you had sex with? Classy(!)

What the fuck is that?!

Did I have sex with you last night?

You need to try and remember
what happened.

So you fucked someone in my bed?!

Yeah, I'm scared.

- Are you pregnant?
- What?

It's OK. I know
it's not what either of us planned,

I just wanna say that...
I'm there for you.

RUDY: What?

I keep randomly changing.

Something's going on with my power.

Swap back, just stop moaning about it.

I can't switch back.