Misfits (2009–2013): Season 2, Episode 7 - Christmas Special - full transcript

He said picking up litter
was the best time of his life.

I think that demonstrates
his rather low expectations.

I never said that about picking up litter.

- Where did you get that?
- The guy in the mask.

- Who is he?
- It's you.

It's over. No more community service.

And I have no job,
no money, no girlfriend.

OK, so I'm immortal-

but other than that,
I've basically got fuck-all going for me.

Does anyone fancy a drink?

Yeah, sure, man.



You know, apart from
all the killing and the dying and stuff,

it really wasn't as bad
as I thought it was going to be.

(# EELS: Christmas ls
Going To The Dogs)

# Get off your sled and go to bed

# Don't you ever tire?

# Throw a bone, I'm finally home

# Curled up by the fire

# Snow is fallin' from the sky

# Like ashes from an urn

# Sweet dreams, my little one... #

What a loser.

# ...Now it's my turn... #

FUCK you!

# Well, Christmas
is going to the dogs... #



Ah! Merry Christmas, little fella!

Hey, I'm not a pedophile!

Yeah... ! Ah... ! Ah... ! Ah...!

Oh! No! No...

Oh, shit!

# ...And Christmas is going to the dogs

# We're scarf in' down the turkey
and eggnog

# And things aren't looking
very good, it's true

# So I'll just lay here and chew

# So I'll just stay here

# And chew. #

(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)

# The city breathing

# The people churning

# The conversating

# The price is what?

# The conversating

# This place is heaven

# And if you see them... #

(WATCH TICKS)

It was crap,
he nearly came in his pants...

You should try giving him one...!
(THEY LAUGH)

You're going to break your neck.

I'm not pushing you around
in a wheelchair.

I have to learn sometime.

Show me.

You'd better do it.

So being Santa sucks a big fat cock.

Two pints of lager please, barmaid.

- Are you going to pay for them?
- No.

Oh, come on! I've been working
for the council, scraping up dog shit.

That's thirsty work.

So how did it all go so right for you?

You end up with a cool flat
and a beautiful girlfriend?

I think it's dead romantic, I do.

I think I liked it better when you
suffered from a crippling shyness.

No way! No more free drink!

Prick.

- (BURPS)
- You're going to get us both sacked.

Do you really want to spend the rest
of your life working in some shitty bar?

- No.
- Then I'm doing you a favour. Refill!

This is fucking ridiculous!

I had to walk all the way back
from the other side of the estate.

Are you OK?

(QUIETLY) Have you got my knickers?

- Want a look?!
- I wouldn't mind.

After all, it is nearly Christmas.

I really wouldn't do that if I were you.
That's how babies get turned into dwarfs.

I like dwarfs.

Me too. Who are you?

I'm Marnie.

And this baby of yours,
who's the dad?

I'll know when it comes out.
Depends if it's white or black

or Chinese or...French.

Those brown babies are very cute.

And I like a Chinese baby
as much as the next man.

Me too.

Whoever the dad is, he's not around.

So you're all alone in the world -

apart from the living organism
growing inside you?

Looks that way.

We should probably go for a drink.

Swap some funny stories.

See if we have
similar tastes and interests.

- Overcome some emotional hurdles.
- And have a few huge rows.

"What did you do, you stupid prick?!"

"I'm sorry, baby,

"I didn't know we were exclusive -
and she had massive tits.

- "It'll never happen again."
- We'll make up

and before you know what's happened, I've
trapped you in a serious relationship.

That would be the
conventional way to do it.

There's just one problem.

I can't drink.

So... I guess we should
skip all that other stuff

and get straight down to the shagging.

(# JULIAN CASABLANCAS:
I Wish It Was Christmas Today)

# I don't care what the neighbours say

# Christmas time is near... #

I don't want to poke
the baby in the eye.

Just...do it gently.

Fuck me, Santa.

(KNOCKING)

(DOOR OPENS)

I'm here about my power.

Take a seat.

So, what can you do?

Er...

Anyone who touches me...

...they want to shag me.

It's like they're super-horny
or something.

I can see how that would be a problem.

How much do you want for it?

I don't want anything,
l...just want it gone.

Can you do that?

That's why I'm here.

You won't use it on anyone, will you?

I can't use the powers
while I'm holding them.

What will you do with it, then?

That's not your problem.

Look“.

I can give you your life back.

That's what you want, right?

Give me your hand.

It's all there.

(# THE SWEET INSPIRATIONS:
Every Day Will Be Like A Holiday)

it ...Every 63'!

# Will be like a holiday... #

Hi.

I don't want you to freak out...

Why would l...?

There's this guy. I went to see him.
He took my power.

How?

He touched me. It's gone.

What's he going to do with it?

I don't know. Doesn't matter. It's gone.

I want to be able to touch you.

I want it to be like it was.

We had great sex.

I miss having sex with you.

Kiss me.

# When my baby

# When my baby comes home

# He said not to worry

# Don't sit by the phone

# Soon I'll be home, baby

# You'll never be alone

# I expect to see him

# Sometime today

# I know my baby

# ls never going away... #

(SIGHS)

Doesn't matter.

Simon...

...look at me.

He was much better than me, wasn't he?

No... It was different.

I hate thinking about you being with him.

It was you!

You're the same person.

Except he's much better than me, isn't he?

You'll always love him
more than you love me.

Simon...

(SIGHS)

WOMAN: How are you doing that?

I'm Jesus Christ...

...and I have been reborn.

(MURMURS OF AMAZEMENT)

I want to be there for you,
you and the baby.

Have you got any money?

I'm not being funny,
you look seriously poor.

Well, maybe I'm a multimillionaire

who just chooses to live
in the community centre.

And are you?

No. That would be ridiculous!

(come RATTLING)

40, 60...

£1.67. Oh!

£1.68.

That's everything I have
in the entire world. Take it.

I want you to have it.

That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever done for me.

Actually, can I just get
50p back for a KitKat?

(TRICKLING)

Oh, Jesus!

What's wrong?

The baby's on my bladder.
I pissed myself.

Oh. Don't worry about it.

I've pissed and shit myself
more times than I can remember.

Me too.

- I'll be right with you.
- Hiya. You must be Barry?

Nathan's told me so much about you.

(DRIPPING)

Phew!

Who's she?

He took her power.

So, how much did she get for it?

Nothing. She wanted to get rid of it.

She can touch people.

I can touch her.

We had sex.

Ah! So you finally get to sample
the goods, and they're...

not as advertised?

Is she one of those girls with really
long pubes, down to her knees?

- No!
- Has she got an extroverted vagina?

Cos they can fix that
in an operation, man!

I was shit.

Oh! So, you're after some sex tips
from a far more experienced lover!

Two words.

Fisherman's Friend.

Isn't that a cough sweet?

You pop one of those bad boys in your
mouth and then you head due south

and you pleasure her, orally...

And it's the menthol.
She's gonna feel like her pussy's on fire.

Huh?

Ah. I always keep some on me,
just in case I'm required to perform.

Goon

That's for you.

I think that young lady is going
to have a very merry Christmas!

I'll tell you something else, man,

if the girl's pregnant,
it makes the baby kick like a nutter!

See you, man.

Hi.

So, what have you got?

Immortality.

So, that's off the A list.

How much d'you want for it?

I will not settle for a penny less...

than £1 million.

(# EARTHA KITT: Santa, Baby)

What's this?

That's two grand, for you and the baby.

Yeah, it should've been more,
but I got really beaten down on the price.

How did you get it?

Did you suck off some fat German tourist?

No!

No, I sold my immortality.

What?

It's a long and totally ridiculous story.

I am here to help you change
your life today, right now, this moment.

I know what it's like
living on this estate.

I know what it's like to feel
disappointment, to feel pain

- to feel angry...
- What's all this?

Our Lord, Jesus Christ, has risen again.

Right.

Good for him.

It's nice he's come back
in time for Christmas.

Yeah.

...And I promise you, I will change
your lives forever, this day, this moment.

Give us the money. Do it!

I know what it's like to...

Did no-one ever tell you
that stealing is a sin?

- Who are you?
- I'm Jesus Christ.

Yeah? Well, I need to score,
so you're getting robbed.

I don't think so.

WOMAN: It's another miracle!

You need to do some serious repenting.

If you wish to enter
the Kingdom of Heaven,

you must give generously, so that
we can spread the word of our Lord.

Spread.

It's so weird that I can do this.

How does it feel?

It's so nice not to have
to think about it any more.

Maybe we'd all be better off without them.

What're you saying?

I'm saying this random teleporting
all over the place,

it's a pain in the arse.

I mean, what has any of us
actually achieved with our powers?

Apart from saving all our lives?

We wouldn't need saving
if it wasn't for the powers.

We don't need to be caught up
in all this bullshit.

D'you think it's all right
to just flog our powers like that?

I don't know if you've noticed,
but we're not exactly living the dream.

You always hated hearing
what people thought about you.

That's because most people
are two-faced dickheads.

I think we should go and see this guy.
See how much he offers us.

Look, it's worth having a conversation.

All right.

(RUMBLING)

What're you doing here?

I wanted to know what he was doing
with the powers. Why are you here?

20 fucking grand!

- You sold your powers?
- Yeah, mate.

You shouldn't be doing this.
We were given them for a reason.

And what reason's that?

I'll give you 20,000 reasons
for getting rid of 'em.

It's like in Superman ll,
when Superman gives up his powers

so that he could be with Lois Lane.

And...?

General Zod took over the world!

That's totally relevant,
except there ain't no General Zod,

and that's £20,000.

Later.

I just want us to be a normal couple.

I don't think we ever can be.

Yeah, but...
you don't need to be invisible.

You're not that person any more.

You've moved on. We've all moved on.

It's part of who I am.

You told me we should do this.

You from the future.

I told you we should give up our powers?

Yeah.

We're supposed to do this.

Are you buying or selling?

(# THE EDWIN HAWKINS SINGERS:
Oh, Happy Day)

Corning to bed?

If this is about the sex,
you just need some practice.

It's how you get good.

# Oh, happy day---

# Oh, happy day

# Oh, happy day---

# Oh, happy day

# When Jesus washed...

# When Jesus washed

# Oh, when he washed

# When Jesus washed

# When Jesus washed...

# When Jesus washed

# He washed my sins away, Lord

# Oh, happy day

# Oh, happy day---

# Oh, happy day

# When Jesus washed...

# When Jesus washed

# Oh, when he washed

# When Jesus washed

# When Jesus washed...

# When Jesus washed

# He washed my sins away, Lord

# Oh, happy day

# Oh, it's a happy day

# Oh, happy day

# He taught me how

# To watch

# Fight and pray...

# Fight and pray

# And he'll rejoice

# In things we say

# Oh, happy day

# Oh, happy day---

# Oh, happy day

# Oh, happy day---

# Oh, happy day

# Oh, happy day---

# Oh, happy day

# on, happy day, oh, happy day

# Oh, happy day---

# Oh, happy day

# on, happy wad- #

Jesus?

Hi.

Is that really the best you can do?

I'll break it down for you.

Do you want to go to heaven, hm,

or do you want to burn in hell
for all eternity?

- Hmm.
- That's all they had to give.

If they won't give willingly,
you take it from them.

But you said robbing people was wrong.

Now you're doing it for God, it's OK.

Go forth unto the world and...
(SHOUTING) ...bring me some money!

(HE WHISTLES
Rudolf The Red-Nosed Reindeer)

NATHAN: Chin-chin! Here's to life.

So, now you're going traveling,

suddenly you're all cool
about handing out free drinks?

I am so looking forward
to not having to listen to your shit.

I'll miss you, too(!)

What?

You look amazing.

D'you think so?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Well classy.

The woman in the shop
thought I was shoplifting.

Got me wad of cash out, mate.
She looked proper sick.

Should've seen her.

- Set me up.
- Whoo!

So, where are you going first?

Thailand. We fly out to Bangkok,
then we hit the beaches.

You think you might have a go
on one of those Thai ladyboys?

Yeah, I see that happening(!)

Hey, you may not know until it's too late.
I didn't have a clue, man.

Have you been to Thailand?

No. I met this little fella
at a party on the estate.

What, and you went with him?

Well, let's just say
I didn't not go with him.

I was very drunk, and he had his cock
and balls taped into his arse crack,

so from where I was kneeling,
it looked like a bald little pussy.

Can I get you something?

- Empty the till and the safe!
- Yeah, good one, mate.

- What the fuck...?!
- What the fuck are you doing?!

- Just give us the money. Do it!
- All right.

And the safe.

They don't trust me
with the keys to the safe.

That's cos you're always
giving people free drinks.

Back off! Move!
Give us your money! Give us your cash!

Where's yours?

I haven't got any.
I never have any. Ask anyone.

- Hand it over.
- Just give him the money!

No. That's for Marnie and the baby!

D'you think I'm joking?

Actually, I really couldn't give a fuck.

Back off!

Go ahead.

Shoot me!

I'm immortal!

No, you're not.

Nikki!

- Someone call an ambulance!
- Jesus Christ!

No. No!

- Nikki...
- She's fucking dying.

Is she breathing?

Nikki!

I'm gonna get my power back.

I'm gonna turn back time.

I'm gonna save her.

I knew there was something up
with that lad.

If I'd had my power,
I could've stopped it.

If I die, I won't be there
for Marnie and the baby.

I can't go back to being like that.

I'm sorry.

I need my power back.

That's not gonna be possible.

- What are you talking about?
- I don't have it.

- What do you mean, you don't have it?
- I sold it to an old Jewish guy.

Said he wanted
to rewind time and kill Hitler.

Well, you've got to admire his ambition.

My girlfriend's dead! I need my power!
Come on, man!

I'm sorry about your girlfriend,
but I can't help you.

What about the rest of our powers?

Yeah, cos we're gonna need those back too.

They're still available, at a price.

How much?

Shall we say...40,000 each.

You only paid us 20 grand!

What? You got £20,000 for your power?

Yeah. How much did you get?

We don't need to get into that now.
You robbed me, you bastard!

You all agreed a price
you were happy to sell at.

Yeah, well, I didn't think it through,
so legally, it's still mine.

You get me my power.

It's not gonna happen.

You either get him his power back
or I'll start kicking you in the balls.

Yeah, I've seen her do it.
You won't enjoy it one little bit.

I really wouldn't do that, if I were you.

(LAUGHTER)

Him? Are you for real?

He couldn't fuck his way
out of a paper bag, mate.

Look at him. He's got the body of a small,
malnourished, prepubescent child.

Oh? Hey, there, little fella. You OK?

Argh!

Open the fucking door!
Open the fuck...

- Open it!
- KELLY: What you gonna do?

Argh. I think he broke a rib.

(HE WHISTLES
We Wish You A Merry Christmas)

- Hi!
- Fuck off.

That wasn't very friendly.

- What do you want?
- I just want to chat.

- I'm Jesus.
- I know you.

The guy who takes the powers.
You were there.

You got me.

- You're very pretty.
- That's original(!)

I wanna fuck your brains out.

ALISHA: Come on, let's go.

Come on, put it in me.

Jesus?

I, er... I shot someone.

You did What?!

- I didn't mean to.
- ALISHA: I want your cock.

She's dead.

You've got my power.

She was just a girl.

I killed her!

Are you sorry?

Then God forgives you.

Seriously?

Just like that?

Just like that.
Everything bad you've ever done.

All the...stealing, drugs
and, er, masturbating.

Don't worry about it. You're forgiven.

Off you go, then.

Alisha? What is it?

What happened?

I lied to you.

You never said we were supposed
to give up our powers.

But I just wanted us to be normal.

You shouldn't have done that.

I'm sorry.

We started this, and now Nikki's dead.

It's OK.

No, it's not OK.

What is it?

There's a guy calling himself Jesus.

He's got my power. He used it on me.

Did you...?

No. I got away.

But the boy who robbed the bar,
he was there, and...

I think the Jesus guy put him up to it.

Where are you going?

I'm gonna kill Jesus.

Then I'm coming with you.

(SINGING-me)

- Ah! Everybody, this is Marnie.
- Hi.

These are my friends.

I'm not your friend.

She's lying.

The guy who killed Nikki...
he was doing it for Jesus.

(MUFFLED SPEECH)

- Oh, what?!
- Is that the guy?

Can I help you?

You can't go round pretending
to be Jesus. What's God gonna say?

You haven't even got a beard!

Hey! I gave my life to him.

I went without money and sex.
What a joke!

I preached and prayed,
and no-one gave a shit.

You do a few miracles,
everyone thinks you're the Messiah.

Have you seen that lot out there?

I've given their lives...meaning.

I'm sorry, would you mind getting her
to stop? That's very distracting.

One of your followers
killed my girlfriend.

You're exploiting the vulnerable.

- You're taking money off people.
- You're sexually assaulting girls.

Hey. That's the Catholic Church for you.

He's got a point.
When I was growing up in Ireland,

if the priests weren't fiddling with you,
you were one of the ugly kids.

I'm gonna finish you.

We may have done sod all with our powers,
but we never abused them.

We never raped or murdered anyone.

She raped me,
and we killed loads of people.

OK. But we're the good guys.

Every time we get anywhere near him,
he'll just fuck off somewhere else.

We need our powers.
We can use this to buy them back.

And then we're kicking the shit
out of Jesus!

Oh, he's not Jesus, all right?

This way.

Should you be carrying
something heavy like this?

I'm fine. (MOUTHS)

I think that belongs to me.

Come get it, if you fucking want it.

NATHAN: Back this way, back this way!

If the mountain
won't come to Muhammad...

Now he's starting on the Muslims!

(THEY SHOUT AND GROAN)

MARNIE: Ah, shit! We've killed Jesus!

Whoops.

Just in case it really is Jesus.

Our Lord has sacrificed himself, again.

He's not Jesus! He's just a dickhead
with a few superpowers.

Superpowers?

Do you really expect me
to believe that? Our Father...

Ah! Did you piss yourself again?

My waters have broken.
The baby's coming... Ow!

Ohh! Ahh!

What do we do?

Where's the fucking ambulance, mate?

I've called it two times!

(GROANING)

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Does anyone know anything
about delivering babies,

because I think this is happening
right now!

- Hot towels!
- Right!

We haven't got any.

- Oh, you're a big fucking help(!)
- Where's the ambulance?

It's on its way!

- How close is it to actually coming out?
- How does it feel, baby?

It feels like my cunt's
being ripped apart!

I'm no expert, but that sounds normal.
Right, I'm going down for a quick peak.

There's a little baby
coming out of your twat!

Me and Marnie talked about it

and we want all of you
to be the baby's godparents.

She doesn't even know us.

She hasn't got any other friends,
and neither have I.

I told her there's no-one in the world
I trust more than you guys.

You said that about us?

- Well, no, not really. What d'you say?
- Will you please shut the fuck up?!

Sorry. Sorry.
Sorry, baby. Come on. Just push.

(SCREAMS)

NATHAN: Hello!

He looks like me.

(BABY CRIES)

Hey there, little fella.

It's OK. Daddy's here.

# Little donkey, little donkey

# On the dusty road

# Gotta keep on plodding onwards

# With your precious load

# Been a long time, little donkey

# Through the winter's night

# Don't give up now, little donkey

# Bethlehem's in sight. #

ALL: # Ring out the bells tonight

# Bethlehem, Bethlehem

# Follow the star tonight

# Bethlehem, Bethlehem. #

- You've seriously lost your cool.
- Oh, shut up. It's Christmas.

Sorry, Jesus.

I think I'm having another!
I think I'm having twins!

What?! Jesus, Mary and Joseph!

- What is it?
- You're giving birth to an alien!

Get it out, get it out!

Die!

It's the afterbirth, you dickhead!

Anyway, so...

happy Christmas, one and all.

That is a fucking horrible jumper.

Shut up. It was a Christmas present
from Marnie. That's very rude.

Is there any reason why have to have
the same powers as we had before?

Mine died with that Jesus guy.

He said if we've got the money,
we can take our pick.

OK.

So who's first?

You're all such pussies! I'll do it.