Misfits (2009–2013): Season 2, Episode 3 - Episode #2.3 - full transcript

ALISHA: What did you see
when you went forward?

CURTIS: I was standing on the roof

- dressed as a superhero.
- Yeah,

- then what happened?
- Nothing.

CURTIS: Who is this guy?

- ALISHA: I don't know. He's following me.
- NATHAN: What does he actually know?

SIMON: He seems to know everything.
We need to find him.

I'm going to take a shit in his bed.

Who are you?
Why are you in my flat?

It's you!

(HEAVY BREATHING)



(RUSTLING ABOVE)

(RUSTLING ABOVE)

- Give me the bag!
- Ow! My necklace!

Give me the bag, bitch!

(SHE SHRIEKS)

You're...touching me.

Who are you?

(it THE RAPTURE'. Echoes)

# The city breathing

# The people churning

# The conversating, the price is what?

# The conversating
This place is heaven

# And if you see them... #

Right.



Put all this shit in that skip.

Would it kill you
to dress it up a bit?

Put all this shit in that skip, please.

Sometimes I wonder if you take
this job entirely seriously.

I'm 100% committed
to your ongoing rehabilitation.

It occupies my every waking minute.

Er, where are you going?

For a coffee and a Danish.

Smug bastard.

Well, this is a big load of wank!

Ah, ha, ha. Nice!

So what are you doing later?

I'm going to get
my tattoo touched up.

Sounds painful! Maybe I should
come along and hold your hand.

Yeah, all right.

CURTIS: Those two going together.
How's that ever going to work? I

Have you seen any more
of that guy in the mask?

Not since last week.

Why do you think he led us
to that girl's flat?

Maybe he wanted us to know
that he knew that we were on to him.

Or there could be another
totally different explanation.

You're supposed
to know about this stuff.

Why are you interested in him?

Because I just am, all right?

What?

(ROCK MUSIC)

- # Oh, now, yea-ea-eah... #
- (DOOR SLAMS)

NATHAN: I've seen some weird shit
over the last few weeks, but this...

this goes against
the very laws of nature.

It's very wrong.

It looks like
it's fading or something.

Yeah. It just needs
a little touching up.

I can do it for you now,
if you want?

Yeah. Nice one.

Hey, Simon. You should get one.

I have a phobia of needles.

Listen, I haven't seen you
out in town lately.

Nah, I've got a curfew.

So, whose cock is this?

That's mine.

Really? I'm not being funny,
but why would you do something like that?

It expresses how I felt about
my girlfriend when she left me.

You couldn't just get drunk
and sleep with a prostitute?

Each one of these means
something to me, my friend.

When I ink my skin, I feel it.

Hey, man.

Whatever gets you off!

Listen, when your curfew ends, give me
a call. I'll buy you a drink, yeah?

Hey, Kelly.

How about this one?

Would you fancy me
even more if I had this,

or does it look a bit gay to you?

Oh!

I mean, it would look gay on me,
just cos I've got a beautiful face.

But you get away with it, with your face.

I'm not saying you're ugly...

You've looked in the mirror.

No of fence, man.

(INHALES DEEPLY)

None taken.

- (REVERBERATING)
- (WINCES)

NATHAN: So, how about you and me
go get a drink?

Where do you want to go?

Who's asking you? I'm talking to him.

Look, this is more of a boy's night.

We're talking some quality man time.

Beer, football...
Maybe some wrestling?

Why are you being such a dick?

Come on, man.
Let's go watch some wrestling.

We don't need her.

I thought we were going to a bar
to watch some wrestling.

Nah, who wants to go to a bar?

We've got everything we need
right here. Come on.

Make yourself comfortable.

Take off your jacket. Relax.

So, this is really cool, huh?

A couple of good-looking
young fellas, a few beers.

That's good times.

Hey, why don't I put some music on?

Oh!

Oh, yeah.

(# GEORGE MICHAEL:
Careless Whisper)

Wanker!

Are you talking to me?

Yeah, that's right.

Talking to you,
you ugly, rat-faced fuck.

You're going to get a slap.

Come on, then. Save me, you prick!

Where you going? Come here!

(SCREAMS)

(DOOR OPENS)

I just want to talk to you.

Really?!

Cos I thought you might want to
break into my flat and shit in my bed.

That wasn't me.
We got the wrong flat.

You tell your little friend
he owes me a new mattress.

- He wiped his arse on my pyjamas.
- Yeah,

that's the kind of thing he does.
He's not right in the head.

What?

I know this is going
to sound weird and crap, but...

I feel like I know you.

You feel like you know me(?)

You smooth bastard.

Well, you can help yourself.

Just pull my knickers up when
you're done. I'll order a pizza.

Are you always such a bitch?

Are you always such a weird twat?

Are we done?

Yeah.

I want to know everything
there is to know about you.

Like what?

Anything-

I just bought
the Battlestar Galactica DVD box set.

Tell me about
your first sexual experience.

Do you want to hear about mine?

It was a family camping holiday.

One of my mum's friends came with us,

and one night, I felt her hand
sliding into my sleeping bag,

like a warm, friendly snake.

M.!

Then she grabs my cock
and starts wanking me off.

She had lovely little hands.
Like a midget's.

Your hand's on my leg.

Shh.

What are you doing?!

You don't know how much
I've always wanted to do that.

Feel my heart. It's racing.

It's OK, it's OK. I'll be gentle.

Why don't we slip your trousers off?

It's OK, we don't
have to fight any longer.

I want to see it!

Argh!

Simon. Simon, don't go.
We don't have to go all the way -

we can just cuddle.

And when you're ready,
we can do some dry humping.

Call me!

How's your head?

What the fuck is going on?

Since when did you run around,
jumping off buildings?

Ever since I travelled
back from the future.

Really, did you(?)

Yes.

Seriously?

How does this work?

There's two of you.

There's the Simon you know,

and there's the future Simon.

Me.

You're so different.

A lot happens between now and then.

You touched me.

Why doesn't my power work on you?

Things are different in the future.

What's with all the photographs
and clocks and...?

There are things
that need to happen at certain times.

I'm here to make sure they do.

Does it hurt?

I should go.

No matter what happens...

you can never tell Simon I'm him.

You can't tell any of them.

Not Curtis, not anyone.
It could change everything.

Promise me you won't tell.

He kissed me.

Nathan kissed you?

He put his tongue...in my mouth.

Oh, he's such a dickhead.
He's winding you up.

He tried to take my trousers off.

Are you taking the piss?

He said he wanted to do some...

dry humping.

What did you do?

I left!

Very quickly.

If you open your heart,

I know we could have something
really beautiful.

Yours...

...forever,

Nathan.

Argh! Jesus! Stop kicking me!

What have I told you
about dicking around with Simon?

- Who's dicking around?
- You put your tongue in his mouth!

Ow! Jesus! All right! All right,
so I got a little bit fresh with him.

I was staring into those big,
beautiful eyes. He's like a...

he's like a handsome shark.

I couldn't help myself.

- I love him.
- Well, you're a dick!

Do my feelings for him offend you?
Well, I'm sorry.

Cos they're true.
And pure... Well, they're true.

I can't pretend any longer. I won't.

(NATHAN) I never felt like this
about anyone. He completes me.

Er, that's from Jerry Maguire.

Yeah, I know.

I watched it four times last night.

It's like he's Torn and I'm Renée.

Someone else
is the ugly, speccy kid.

Are you trying to tell me
you're gay or something?

Gay, straight, retarded. Why do
we have to put labels on everything?

Cos we do, all right? Or else no-one's
going to know what the fuck's going on.

Is this why me and you
haven't got it together?

Maybe he's what has been missing
from my life.

Why do you think
I was always so mean to him?

Cos you're a wanker.

No, it's because it's much easier
to humiliate, degrade

and just generally shit
all over someone

than it is to admit
that you love them!

# You won't believe what love can do

# Till it happens to you. #

Hi.

I got you a drink.

It's just a drink.

Thank you.

Do you ever think about the future?

Do you think about...
what's going to happen to us?

All the time.

And we need to be ready.

What for?

One day someone's
going to find out about us.

Everything will change.

I know you've looked out for us.
Killing the probation worker.

The second one.

I've never thanked you.

I wanted you to know.

Thanks.

Why are you being so nice to me?

I can be nice.

Sometimes.

Look, if I've ever been
a bitch to you...

I'm sorry.

I've never thought
you were a bitch.

Sometimes I think
it's difficult for beautiful girls.

People don't see past their looks.

I should go.

(INHALES)

What's this?

Read it.

We'll take things slowly.

When you're ready to develop
the physical side of our relationship,

you just let me know.

No pressure.

Thanks.

It's just so hard when
you're so cute, and I'm so horny,

and there's only a couple
of thin layers of cotton

separating our genitals.

(SIGHS)

Did you know that he had a tattoo
done with your name on it?

No.

Hey.

Hiya.

Everything all right
with the tattoo?

It's fine.

Know that guy I was with yesterday?
The gobby one, yeah?

- Is there something wrong with him?
- Yeah, I think there probably is.

Did you tattoo him?

No.

Why?

Cos he's got this tattoo,
and I thought he might have come in.

VINCE: She knows I did him.

You tattooed him, didn't ya?

Did you turn him into a gay?

- I always liked you.
- What?

Why do you want to be
with a gobby little shit like him?

Hm?

Now, I can make you happy.

Now you're just being weird.

You can't make people gay
just cos they're dickheads.

What are you doing?

I'm going to make you so...

haw'! -

(REVERBERATING BUZZ)

Ah...

(SIREN WAILS)

(DOOR OPENS)

(CLATTERING)

Jesus!

Hi.

Were you sniffing my knickers?

You think I risked my life

traveling through the dimensions of time
so I could sniff your knickers?

I don't know. Did you?

No.

I've got something
that belongs to you.

I thought I'd lost it.

You...you told me I was beautiful today.

I know.

Everything that happens to Simon,

it's already happened to me.

You made me feel...

Ever since I got this power,

blokes, you know...

It doesn't make you feel
very good about yourself.

It's not down to you.

None of us asked for this.

What do you want from me?

Why are you here in this time?

I came back for you.

Are we...together?

We will be.

That's why I'm here.

You and me?!

Seriously?

How is that ever gonna happen?

You fall in love with me.

You can't say stuff like that.

You know what happens.

And I don't know how I'm supposed
to feel, and it's freaking me out.

You need to go.

Don't.

Will you please fuck off!

Hi.

Come here.

I don't feel like it.

C'mon. Let's go to the storeroom.

Can we just leave it, yeah?

What's up with you?

- Nothing.
- No, no,

- you've been in some kind of weird mood.
- No, I haven't.

And now you don't want to have sex.

- We don't have sex.
- What's that supposed to mean?

Well, what?

Is this it?! Is this the best I get?!
Wanking myself off

- in a storeroom?
- It's not my fault I can't touch you.

So it's my fault?

- No, I didn't mean that.
- You think I've asked for this?

- No!
- Maybe you're right.

Maybe I deserve all this.

But I need you
to make me feel like I don't.

Alisha... I didn't mean that.

Alisha?

And don't even think about
using your power to fix this.

I want to know
what a prick you can be.

I don't even remember
having that done.

Yeah, neither do I. I don't regret it,
though. Not one little bit.

I think the tattoos
are controlling you.

That tattoo guy must have done them.

Er, Vince wouldn't do that.
He loves me.

- That's your tattoo talking.
- Oh, cute and clever.

And that's yours.

Hi.

Are you coming in?

I don't even know
if what you're telling me is true.

You say all these...things.

You tell me I fall in love with you.

How do I know it happens?

You can't do this to me.

I have to go.

You touch me like that
and then you tell me you have to go?

There's something I need to do.

Wait here.

What am I doing?

It's going to be all right.

I should know... I'm from the future.

We need to get him
to remove the tattoos.

- I really don't think he did it.
- I need to find Alisha.

- We had a big fight.
- Hey, man. Love hurts, OK?

It chews you up and spits you out...
like a big ball of mucus.

Oi.

It's him!

We can see that.

What does he want?

Hi.

You all right there, fella?

He's got a gun!

It's peanuts.

Dry-roasted.

All that drama - he drops off a snack?!

Why is he giving us peanuts?

Maybe he knows I missed lunch.

I suppose you've got
a better explanation than that(!)

Anything.

Anything you could possibly come up with
would be better than that.

All right, touchy.
Just cos you and your girlfriend split up.

We didn't split up!

All right!

We should go to the tattoo parlour.

Are you coming?

Let's just get this done, all right?

(INHALES DEEPLY)

(EXHALES)

Oh, there he is - Mr Dick.

Because of the tattoo, on your cock.

So what is this?

- We know about the tattoos.
- I told them that you didn't do it.

Just get rid of the bullshit tattoos,
yeah?

Or what(?)

- Or get ready to feel the pain.
- You're not gonna hurt him.

You're on our side.

- Oh, he's so fit.
- Lose the tattoos!

(REVERBERATING BUZZ)

(COUGHS)

(FLESH RIPPING)

- Oh...
- You stabbed me!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

She stays. You go.

Don't just stand there!

Right, right, right, right.

What do we do?

Remove the tattoos...

...or I open the nuts.

He stabs me
and you're offering him peanuts?!

Nuts are his kryptonite.

- Like in Superman.
- Listen,

I'm sure we can work this out, yeah?

Don't...open those nuts.

You want some?

Dry-roasted.

So butch!

Listen!

Drop the nuts,
or I'll take her eye out!

You're so sexy.

Let her go!

- Put your nuts on the floor!
- Don't make me do it!

- Drop the nuts!
- Drop the gun!

Will someone tell me what's going on?!

- I will shoot her in the eye!
- Let her go!

Argh...!

(REVERBERATING BUZZ)

(CHOKES)

Simon!

Please don't kill him!
My beautiful boy.

(ROARS) I will never...let you go...!

(COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING)

(COUGHS)

(CHOKES) Remove...the...tattoos.

Inject me.

Do it!

(GROANS)

If you want to spunk all over
a girl's tattoos, just ask them, yeah?

(DOORBELL RINGS)

What do you want?

I bought you some pyjamas.

(LOW l-HISS)

(WHEEZES AND INHALES)

Are you OK?

Brilliant(!)

Peaches and cream(!)

Can I do anything, like?

(WHEEZES) You got a spare heart?

What?

I just, um...

I just wanted you to have 'em.

You know?

I hope they fit all right.

Thanks.

I have to go.

I feel weird leaving you like this.

It's not as bad it looks.

I'll be fine.

TV: This is where it all started.

I'm standing in the exact spot
where, three months ago,

a freak storm caused "The ASBO Five"
to develop their extraordinary powers.

So when did you first realise
you had a power?

Well, we'd just found that other boy's
body stuffed in the locker,

and then Curtis grabbed my hand,
and he's all like,

"Oh, I want to bone you.
I want to shag you senseless. "

I mean, I guess I didn't really know
for sure until I touched Simon.

(LIFT OPENS)

You shouldn't be watching that.

Do we become famous?

Do you want to be famous?

It's got to be better
than picking up litter.

Sometimes I think
that was the best time of my life.

Does something bad happen to us?

Am I going to die?

I'm not going to let that happen.

So what happens now?

What do you want to happen?

I don't know.

# So I walked into the haze

# And a million dirty ways

# Now I see you lying there

# Like a lilo losing air

# Black rocks and shoreline sand

# Still that summer I cannot bear

# And I wipe the sand from my eyes

# The Spanish Sahara

# The place that you wanna

# Leave the horror here

# Forget the horror, yeah

# Forget the horror... #

Don't take this the wrong way, but...

...you're way better
than I thought you'd be.

I had a good teacher.

You.

I never taught you how to do that.

Not yet.

But you will.

I didn't realise
how much I missed it.

Being able to touch someone.

I can't believe
I've just had sex with you.

You're Simon.

You're still a virgin.

Not for much longer.

Do you lose it with me?

Are you jealous?

Shut up.

I like it that you're jealous.

This is too weird.

So that was an unexpected turn of events.

You mean you being a big gay?

I'm not a gay. Look at me.

You sure about that?

I'm about 98% certain.
Would you like me to prove it to you?

Go on, then.

Really?

Get on with it.

All right.

Prepare to be aroused.

Oh, just kiss me, you dick!

Yeah... Undo Ms...

I'm not being funny, yeah,
but is this doing anything for you?

Well, you know, I'm a guy.
We're really not that fussy.

It just feels all wrong,

like I'm doing it
with my cousin or something.

Well, I could slip another finger
up there. You know, go two up?

No, it just don't feel right.

You know when you just know?

I just think we should be mates.

Are you saying, after all these weeks'
build-up, we're not even going to shag?

Is that what you're saying?

Sorry.

Yeah.

You want to take that out?

Oh, yeah, OK.

Oh, I think it's stuck.

- Fuck's sake!
- Hang on.

Hello!

Mates, yeah?

Yeah, mates.

Big buddies.

Pals.

Hi.

I've got to go do my Community Service.

I guess you know that,
cos I'm going to see you there.

So...

...are we seeing each other now?

Yes.

I can't lie to Curtis.

I can't do that to him.

You have to.

What, you want me
to keep on seeing him?

The present me isn't ready
for what has to happen.

You have to give me time.

(SIGHS) Will you stop being
so fucking mysterious?

- It goes with the territory.
- Yeah, well, it's annoying!

You have to trust me.

Just let it play out.

CURTIS: What's up with you?

NATHAN: I just realised
I haven't died this week.

SIMON: It's only Thursday.
There's still time.

NATHAN: Now, why would you say
something like that? Twat!

So you don't love me any more?

OK. Sol loved you. Big deal.

I think we should talk about it.

I so want to hear this.

If we'd have... (WHISTLES)

...that would've been
the best sex you've ever had.

Correction. That would've been
the only sex you've ever had.

Do you ever get embarrassed
of anything?!

Not really, no.

Are we done?

You know that fella in the mask?

How did he know
that Vince was allergic to nuts?

I told you.
He seems to know everything.

We need to find out who he is.

Can't we just let him do his thing?
I mean, seriously, who cares?

That's a bald fanny!

Oh, they love it!

Bosh!

He's going to be doing this
Community Service thing with you lot.

Are you saying he's like
a new member of the gang?

We can't let the new guy
find out about our powers.

Have any of you
got one of these weird powers?

Things with us...

they haven't been right
for a while now.

You're different.

If you're done being all superheroey
with your little clocks,

you can come back to bed.

He's fucking crazy!

Do you think he was talking
about this fella?

I want my money.

ALISHA: All we need is a hundred grand(? )

Let's rob a bank.

- This is not real. It's just a game!
- You think this is a game?

This is my life.