Mirzapur (2018–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Jhandu - full transcript

"Kaaleen bhaiya"

"King of Mirzapur"

So, motherfucker, I guess
that makes me a...?

Prince.

Prince.

Here you go, Munna bhaiya.

Got it for free!

I just had to mention
Kaaleen bhaiya's name.

Leeching off someone
else's power...

won't get you very
far, Compounder.

Get in, take the beer.



Oh, man!

Look at them wagging their
fucking asses, the bloody cunts.

Let's fix this.

Let's go, Compounder.

Hey there, take it easy.
Take it easy, pal.

Who are you, man?

I'll tell you...

Fuck!

Come on, asshole. Dance.

Do you know the Hrithik Roshan step?
Do it.

Go on. Like this.

Whoa! Look at that!

Next, next, next,
which one next?

- Cobra dance!
- Yes, cobra dance!



- Now, do the lightning!
- Oh, yeah! Yeah!

Fly the kite!

Fixed them proper.

Greetings Kaaleen bhaiya.

Maqbool...

Yes?

Lala has kept his word.

The dark chocolate is top-notch,
it'll give an effective high.

Increase our carpet production.

Yes sir.

And what about the guns?

Ready to ship.

He's here, Bhaiyaji is here.

Greetings, sir.

Could I get a minute
with Kaaleen bhaiya?

He's our guy from Tulsi Chowk.

Sir, I'm one of your
gun distributors.

This man bought a homespun gun from me.
The gun -

Sir! I squeezed the trigger,
and it blew up in my hand.

So what, you decided to land up
on my doorstep, motherfucker?

No, sir! I didn't want
to, but he insisted.

Didn't you test it
before buying it?

How much did you pay for it?

Er... 1500.

What do you expect for 1500?
A fucking AK-47?

Maqbool, give him another one.

Give him a loaded one.

Take it.

Well? Try it.

Go ahead.

Sir, I am right-handed.

You were. Now,
you're left-handed.

You'll be eating and wiping your ass with
that one hand the rest of your life.

Go on, try it.

You, come here.

Yes, sir?

Here. Take him to the hospital.

Maqbool, we have to do
something about these guns.

It's bad for business.

Friends, who will let a new
day dawn upon your lives?

Who will liberate Gajjumal College
from Munna Tripathi's terrorism?

Who will usher in
peace and prosperity?

I will! Yes, me... Deepu Singh!

Vote for me as your President!

Create a better future for
your college and yourselves!

Your wrists are strong enough,
Guddu bhaiya. Now study a bit too.

Oi, Mr Hulk.

Stand up! What is the
next journal entry?

On your feet, boy!

This gorilla-like body that you're
building, it complements your mind.

Both thick.

You've been flunking
for the past 2 years.

Is this your personal
5-year plan?

Sit down. Thickhead.

What are you laughing about?

He just called me a dickhead.

I'm going to pound his
face into the ground.

Not dickhead, he's
calling you a thickhead.

It's 'Th', not 'D'.

Thickhead as in... stupid.
Slow-witted.

Oh, then it's alright.

If I had any sense, I wouldn't
have rolled down into your class.

Yeah, that's why I keep
saying, study a little.

Studying won't do
fuckall for me, Bablu.

The reservation quota kids will
take away all the seats, anyway.

You know my plan, bro. I'm going to win
the Mr Purvanchal title this year.

Fifty-one grand prize money.

Kaaleen bhaiya is the sponsor.

He's gonna hand me
the trophy himself.

Right.

Just wait and watch.

Morning, morning!

If you want to remove tyranny from
this college, then give me your vote.

Deepu Singh! Remember the name!

Vote for Deepu Singh.

Hey! Deepu bro!

Hey! Well, go after him.
Get the bastard.

Oi! Stop!

Get him. Get him!

Making us run in the morning.

Motherfucker.

Giving us the damn college tour.

Hey, labcoat! Where did he go?

Are you gonna tell us or should
I teach you some chemistry?

Get the fucker!

Hit me with the
bottle, will you?

Stop running!

Shat your pants, Mr Politician?

Shit!

Go on. Right inside.

Bitch is making us work
off that big breakfast.

Good morning, sir.

Well, asshole?

Why are y'all turning around?

Is there a movie
playing back there?

Solve the problem.

Bablu, did you see that?

The way Munna bhaiya
made the fucker run.

Drop it. Drop it.

How many times have I told you?

You nerdy bookworms need
to stay out of politics.

Study hard, get a
government job.

Run the nation.

But no, you've got bloody ants
crawling up your ass crack.

Fuckface.

But, no! You want to contest
elections, canvass support!

Oi, fucker.

Come on, get up.

Do you know who I am?
Munna Tripathi.

King of Gajjumal College.

So fucker, when I stand for
elections, the result is a given.

Right?

It's not hard to understand.

Hmm... Scissor him up.

No, bhaiya!

Should I take the penalty?

Yes, bhaiyaji.

What a goal!

Thus, both of Khanna's FDs
had to be cracked open.

You! Evening tea and
snacks in the canteen.

Put it on my tab.

Munna bhaiya! Make it eggs.
Fifty.

He wants to be the Great Khali.

You can have the tea then, sir.

Let's go.

Why'd you trip up Deepu Singh?

Didn't you see how impressed
Munna bhaiya was?

What are you doing?

You wear such tight leggings!
Your gait is hypnotizing.

No wonder guys end up taking the town
tour when they're trailing after you.

Have a little shame, Sweety.

Oh, around you as well?

But, seriously, when a guy has his eyes
on you, doesn't that make you strut?

Oh, is that so?

Then how come you haven't taken
my brother out on a date yet?

Why should I take him out?
Am I the man or is he?

Every date in the
calendar will run out...

but your brother will never
have the guts to ask me out.

He shits bricks when I'm around.

Watch.

You've built a great body.

Now, if anyone were to harass me,
you'd come to my rescue, right?

Sure, 'coz he's got
nothing better to do.

"Saving" the likes of you.

Why don't you hire a bodyguard?

Will you be my bodyguard?

Show me. Show me them boulders.

Oh, come on! Blow 'em
up, like a balloon.

Huh! Don't ever touch me...

without my permission.

If I tell my father, you'll
be beaten black and blue.

You know he's a
policeman, right?

It'll be the third
degree for you.

Your ass will be so sore, you
won't be able to sit for a week.

Oww... let me go.

Just wait till we get home.

If you like Guddu
bhaiya, tell him.

If not, move on.
Don't mess around.

If a girl is beautiful, she
can do what she wants.

I am beautiful, aren't I?

Bye.

Bye.

Got a match, Mr Pandit?

I don't smoke.

Just wanted to clean my ear.
I don't smoke either.

When's the hearing?

In ten minutes.

This case, it's Mr Yadav's man.

I need you to take
it easy in court

and ensure a 'not
guilty' verdict.

Not guilty.

Get up, bastard.

Motherfucker, this
is a courthouse.

You've made a mockery of it.
Cocksucker!

Whoreshit! Get out!

Asshole!

Ramakant!

Mr Pandit! Let him go!

He's shitting bricks.

Don't show your face
here ever again!

Mr Pandit, Mr Pandit!
Let him go!

Listen to me.

C'mon, he's shitting bricks.
Let him go.

They're termites, Judge.

They've destroyed
the bloody town.

What can you do, Mr Pandit?

Go, man, go.

You watch out.

Get lost, motherfucker.

Should I throw you in lockup?

Get out!

Come, let's go in.

I'm the groom's
uncle, and this is...

My brother-in-law,
the groom's father.

Sir, you will take
the case, right?

Three lawyers have
already refused.

May I see the file?

Here.

This is the wedding procession.
And this...

This boy fired the gun.
I witnessed it.

This boy fired the gun?

I'm definitely taking the case.

Leave behind the
file, I'll study it.

Sir... You won't change
your mind later, right?

Don't worry about me.

Are you sure you won't
change your mind later?

East or west, Munna
bhaiya is the best!

You guys already know me.

Phoolchand Tripathi, aka Munna.

Who's the best?

Munna bhaiya!

- Can I say something?
- Yeah?

No offence, but Phoolchand
Tripathi is a pretty lame name.

Motherfucker, don't make me pulverize
your nose. Shut up and cheer.

East or west! Munna
bhaiya's the best!

Long live Munna bhaiya!

That guy. That's Mr Purvanchal.

Who?

That guy, the one who's flexing.

This year, I'll win the contest.

And then I'll win
Mr Uttar Pradesh;

and finally Mr India.

My face will be on billboards everywhere
and that's when I'll start up 'Guddu Gym'.

Thuggery has increased
in college.

Students are getting
beaten up in class.

This won't be allowed
to go on any longer.

No more, no more!
Hooliganism, no more.

Munna bhaiya's riding
the gravy train.

Thrash anybody, screw
with the teacher. Huh?

Girls constantly throwing
themselves at him...

and that sexy ride.

When you gun it to 100, it
feels like a million bucks.

Life oughta be lived like this!

Otherwise, hell, even the
hair on your balls is alive.

Motherfucking son of a bitch.

If we had a Vespa, then this
fucking bullshit wouldn't happen.

Hey! Guddu bhaiya, why
are you freaking out?

It's just a chain
that's fallen off!

Yeah, and what about my pride
that's ground to dust? Mother-

Guddu bhaiya, stop! Enough!
Enough, enough!

You've smashed the cycle
to pieces, bro. Enough!

Did you speak to Papa again
about going to Lucknow?

What are you shaking
your head for?

Why didn't you, idiot?

Just fucking go to Lucknow and
finish your Civil Services coaching!

You're smart.

You'll pass with flying colors.

I'll convince Papa.

Don't bother.

He'll just say that this is
a waste of time and money.

Anyway, going to Lucknow won't
guarantee my selection.

I can prepare for it right
here in Mirzapur too.

And if that doesn't work out, I can
always apply to the local bank.

This is what I mean!

A middle-class man isn't a
man, he's a bloody moron.

No matter how fucking
talented you are, you'll

never get out of this
shitty little town.

You've hit the nail
on the head, bro.

Now look at me...

I wanted to participate
in Indian Idol.

And here I am,
repairing punctures.

Asshole, stop running your yap hole,
I'll ream your mother, cuntlicker.

How much do I have to pay?

Son of a bitch.

Tripathi Square,
Tripathi's town.

This is what life in
Mirzapur should be like.

Well, keep pedaling.

Shift a little.

The man is always on top.

Then get it right.

I'm... about to come.

Please, just a little longer.

Sweet Lord.

What?

Did you?

I gave you Viagra, didn't I?

Why don't you take it?

You came too soon again.

You can barely get it up anyway.

And then when you do, I'm left
panting like a bitch in heat.

In heat, are you?

Shall I leave you in a brothel?

Hmm?

You're a bride of the
Tripathi dynasty.

Stop behaving like
a whore, Beena.

I have given you Munna's
mother's place.

Be mindful of your status.

If you wanted a mother
for Munna bhaiya

you should've gone for
someone your age.

Why did you marry someone young?

Wow, look at what
steroids can do.

Should I try them?

They have terrible side effects.

Don't get into all this.

You don't get it, man.
No pain, no gain.

Bhaiya, let's go get the cake.
Papa will be on his way.

Yeah, Dimpy, gimme 2 minutes.

Apart from the pride, there
are other animals nearby.

The lion's gorged on so much of the
hippo that his stomach is fit to burst.

This lioness hasn't held
back from devouring it too.

Full pressure.

Yes, Papa.

This is a spotted hyena.

They always attack stealthily.

But what is it that
makes these scavengers

the lions' most dreaded enemies?

Vasudha!

Coming!

Did you have lunch?
How was the paneer?

The judge had it all.

Hmm?

I had his Chinese cauliflower.

Well, that's just the limit.

I put in all this effort for
you, and your judge enjoys it.

How was your day?

Well, you know Mirzapur.

A few days ago, some thugs killed
a groom at his own wedding.

The groom's father and uncle
want me to take up their case.

I've said yes.

Even if that puts your
family in danger?

If you were so passionate
about justice for all

then why did you marry?

You should have remained a
bachelor, like Hanuman.

Kept everyone safe.

If I wasn't worried about my family,
would I have bought this gun?

How many lawyers do you
know who own a gun?

Now don't you start that old
song about your gun again.

You ran from pillar to post for
2 years before you got it.

When you can get a
homespun gun for 1500.

I'm a lawyer, not a thug.

Yes, you're a lawyer, and marrying
you has made me an idiot.

If you're done with
your commentary on our

marriage, may I wash my
hands, Vasudha ma'am?

Come, Munna bhaiya,
I've made mutton today.

No, no, I won't have the mutton.

You make it very spicy because
of Papa, I'll have this.

Maqbool, have a bite.

It's fine, sir, you go ahead.

You were to have the guns
delivered a couple of days ago.

Did you get it done?

Not yet, Papa. I'll do it tomorrow.
Was a bit busy.

Oh? What kept you
so busy all day?

Campaigned for the
women's vote in college.

Plus, the rival candidate
was being cocky.

Got him back into line.
It's all good.

Greetings, Bauji.

Hello, sir.

The new stock has
arrived, I see.

Grab a gun or two
if you want, Gupta.

No, sir. I already have this gun
issued by the UP government

Uh, I just came to
pay my respects.

Am I some deity that
you've come to venerate?

What the fuck has happened that
you couldn't wait the night?

Motherfucker.

Munna bumped off the groom in some
wedding and you didn't tell me, Maqbool?

You came here to blabber
about this bullshit?

Was he your son-in-law?

You're a total idiot. Shut up.

And Gupta is just the messenger.

You don't bugger the messenger.

Otherwise, the next bit of
information will never reach you.

Maqbool, how many times
have I told you?

Count the bullets before
you give them to him.

I'll sort it out, sir.

The fuck you'll sort it out.

Hey!

Fuckin' idiot.

Which lawyer have they hired?

Ramakant Pandit.

Great, just great.

Son, when will this
tomfoolery of yours end?

Is this how you plan
to run this town?

Just give me one chance
to run Mirzapur, Papa.

I'll make you proud.

And we're in the gun business.

Even if I do take a few extra bullets,
what difference does it make?

If I open a brothel tomorrow...

Will you wear a skirt and
start goddamn whoring?

We control the business, the
business doesn't control us.

If you keep killing senselessly,
our enemies will grow in number

and you won't even
fucking realize.

Don't worry, sir.
I'll handle it.

Why will you handle it, Maqbool?

Munna shat the bed,
he will clean it.

Yeah, I would've
handled it anyway.

It's no big deal.

I'll go set that fucking
lawyer straight right now.

Here, I'm putting back
your extra bullets too.

Gupta, take some mutton
for your family.

Sir.

Yes?

Sir, I've heard Rati Shankar's
goons might visit Mirzapur again.

I gave Jaunpur to Rati Shankar.

For what joy does he keep
trying to dip his dick here?

Cocksucker.

- Listen.
- Yes?

Here. It's imported.

Your time is good, and this
will continue to remind you.

Wear it.

Wear it!

Thank you, sir.

Sahib, mutton.

Alright, sir.

Father, sometimes I wonder...
What should I do about Munna?

Well, what's stopping you
from having another son?

And why were you so late today?

My scooter wasn't working.

Why don't you sell the scooter
and buy a secondhand car, Papa?

Why? My scooter works just fine.

It got me home, didn't it?

Apart from that, if we
ever have the money-

Yeah, yeah, I know
this line by heart.

"If we ever have the
money, we'll see".

Life has passed you by, but we've
never seen the money, Papa.

Please, guys, don't start again.

Forget it, bro. You're too
scared to even speak up.

Why can't he go to Lucknow?

We just keep worrying
about money here.

Son, us middle-class folks
have to proceed with caution.

Yes, but middle-class folks can
also have dreams, can't they, Papa?

Of course! Absolutely,
Guddu sir.

If they don't flunk the same
class two years in a row.

Hmm?

Where has Dimpy gotten to?
Dimpy!

Come!

Come on, Papa. Stop all this.

What are you doing, kid?

Here's the cake! Cut the cake!

What, you want me to blow the candles out?
Like some child?

Go on then.

Deep breath, then
blow out the candles.

Yes.

Happy birthday to you!

It lit up again.

Happy birthday dear Papa.

Happy birthday to you!

Alright, stop, that's enough.

Okay, okay, we've stopped, Papa.

It's his birthday and you've
smeared my face with cake!

Papa's gift!

Yeah, I already got it.

So, where is it?

Oh, yeah. Still have to wrap it.

Come on, bro!

Hello, Aunty. Is
Ramakant Uncle in?

Yes, but... you are?

Who am I? Yes, who am I?

Very nice house.

Greetings, ma'am.

Where? Left? Right?

Left, then.

Hmm. Where is he? Here he is!

Sit, sit, sit, lawyer sir!
You're embarrassing me!

Greetings, sir.

Oh, sorry! I'm Munna,
Munna Tripathi.

This... is your daughter?

Dimpy, go inside.

Hey, what nonsense is this?
Dimpy, wait!

Why will Dimpy go
inside, Mr Pandit?

That's bullshit. Dimpy, come.
Sit here.

Come here. Come, Dimpy.
Right here.

Okay, that's alright.

Look, Mr Pandit-

We got you a gift, Papa!

You won't sell your scooter,
but at least your safety will-

Aunty, how many
kids do you have?

Any more upstairs?

Go have a look, bro.

Yes, bhaiyaji.

Oi, move.

Hey, Mr Hulk. You're that
accounts class guy, right?

We got you eggs in the
canteen, remember?

Yes, Munna bhaiya. You-

Come, come, come.
You come along too.

A nice little family gathering.

Great, everybody's here!

Your mum's here, your
sister's here...

It'll make it easier for me
to ream everybody at once.

Right then, Mr. Pandit.

Getting straight to the
heart of the matter.

That groom who died,
I tonked him.

I didn't have any beef with him.
I didn't even know the fucker.

I just get so... into the
dancing, I didn't even realize!

The gun fired... and he just...
kinda toppled over.

It was a mistake, Mr Pandit.

Not a crime.

And nobody should get hauled
to court for a mistake, right?

Munna bhaiya, what
a coincidence!

What happened, man?

This is our case file!

Our case file? - Yes!

Then, tear it!

Go on. Rip it!

Munna bhaiya.

Yeah, bro?

I'll talk to Papa.

Yes, yes, absolutely, please do!

Papa, whatever case this
is, just let it go-

Did you see that?

How Uncle silenced him
with just a finger?

And you guys thought
he'd be a lightweight.

So, the thing is, you won't meet
with that guy's family again.

Understood?

And if I didn't understand?
What are you gonna do?

Hmm?

Whoa, Uncle!

We came here thinking
we'd slaughter a lamb...

but you've turned out to
be a motherfucking lion!

Bravo!

Listen up-

Munna!

Your daughter's feisty.

Marriageable age too.

Hope you've started
looking for a boy.

If not, send her to me,
I'll douse that fire.

Munna bhaiya!

What, motherfucker?!

Do you know who his father is?
Akhandanand Tripathi-

Your mother's cunt, old man!

Mummy!

He's fucked me up.

My ear's gone.

Hit him harder!

Hit him.

Motherfu-

Compounder, bro, my ear!

It's burning!

Move! Fucking move!

Move, motherfu-

Motherfucker.

Guddu, wait! Guddu, stop!
Let him go! Enough!

Guddu.

Munna, you won't
do anything more.

Make an enemy out of anyone in
Mirzapur, but not Kaaleen bhaiya.

In all the world, could you
only find this one case, Papa?

So, what do I do?

Shall I tell that family
that I shat myself?

Papa.

Or if you suggest,
I'll just retire.

Oh, you'll retire?

How about you start
simple and just take a

case where you make some
money for a change?

And your family is not
in the line of fire.

But, someone will have to
take cases like this, bhaiya.

You don't make enemies
out of kings, Dimpy.

Be practical.

You tell me, how many people can
the two of us beat up together?

And will you stop
going to college?

Mum had to use the
gun today, Papa.

Mark my words.

This matter won't end here.

Hold on.

Dimpy, Mummy, go inside.

- Who is it?
- Just go.

He's right. Dimpy, take her.
Get inside.

Kaaleen bhaiya has summoned you.

Let's go. I'm ready.

Not you.

These two.

You've two minutes.

I'll be in the car.

Shall we?

This is my problem.

Why is he involving you boys?

Should've thought of that
before taking the case, Papa.

You... always thrust your hand
into the fire. It will burn.

Kaaleen bhaiya has
called us himself.

We don't have an option.

If we don't go, he'll come here.

And if he comes here, Papa...

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