Miracle Workers (2019–…): Season 4, Episode 9 - John Christ - full transcript

Sid: Scraps!
Let's have a talk.

Everything okay?

You're, like, acting,
like, so weird.

No, no, everything's great.

Really exciting.

Um, so...

You know that Mommy and
Daddy love you very much.

Okay.

Well, soon, there is gonna be
even more love to go around

because...

we're having a baby!



Oh, my... What is that noise?!

The book said you
might react like this.

It's okay to be
upset.

Just know that we will
not love you any less.

Oh, my God! Do you
not hear that?!

It's like my brain's
about to frickin' explode!

I mean, obviously, the baby
will be my own flesh and blood,

whereas you recently took
a shit in my shoes...

God! I can't take it anymore!

Aaaaaah!

What are you?!

Oh, stupid, Sid!

You were supposed to give him
the pieces of hotdog first,

and then tell him the news.



Must... find... whistling.

Aah!

Help. Help.

I've been out here for days.

Can you shut up? I'm
trying to listen.

Oh, my bad. All good.

What in the what?!

Scraps! You made it!

I'm getting the War
Dogs back together!

Yeah!

Fire! We're getting the
squad back together!

This is gonna be awesome!

Yeah! Let's go!

Let's get it started.

Ooha! Ooha!

- Ahh!
- Ha-ha!

Man! I needed this!

Ah, it was so nice of Sid to
just let me get out of Boomtown

- and be a warlord again.
- Yeah.

Oh, speaking of Sid,
I heard the big news!

I'm so excited about the baby!

Really? 'Cause I'm not.

Good. Me neither.

I hate that stupid baby.

Always threatening my
position in the family.

I just want to have
one last hurrah

before my life is
fully over, you know?

I wanna feel the energy! Unh!

- The thrill!
- Unh!

The utter chaos! Ohh, yeah!

Well, you leave all of that
to your best War Dog...

Scraps!

I planned you the
most freak-nastiest

Warlord Weekend ever!

I'm so excited!

Both: Yeah!!!

Huh.

This isn't that freak-nasty.

Or is it?

Scraaaaps...?

Did you organize
a gang war for me?

Maybe. Oh, my God!

You're, like,
literally the best!

I know, I really am!

Ah!

All: Down with NeuralNet!
Down with NeuralNet!

These damn protesters have
been at it all morning.

Sid, go over there
and kick 'em out.

Uh, well, the battledome
is public property,

so technically they're just
exercising their lawful rights.

Hey, Sid, if I wanted to
listen to boring crap,

I'd turn on Devon's podcast.

Oh!
Nice one, boss.

My podcast sucks.

Come on, Devon, you have
to stand up for yourself.

You can't just agree
with me all the time.

I... agree?

I-I mean, I don't agree.

I do. I don't.

Great, you made
Devon have a crisis.

Now go fix this!

Down with NeuralNet!

Um, excuse me.

Hey, I-I'm looking for
the person in charge.

Ah, we're all equals
here, brother.

But if you're asking
who's the chosen one

sent through time to lead
the humans in the coming war

against the machines...
That'd be me.

Name's Christ. John Christ.

John Christ?

Wow, that's a little
on the nose, but okay.

You got a minute to talk
about the atrocities

committed by NeuralNet?

You know that NeuralNet
is capturing people

and putting them in human zoos?

Just look at these
horrific images.

Oh! Jesus, dude, I
don't need to see that.

It's like 10 a.m.

Can I count on you to
join the resistance?

Well, look, i-it sounds
like a-a super worthy cause,

it really does... power to
the humans, all that stuff...

But I just, I really don't
have time for this right now.

I just want to do my job

so I can get home to
my wife and my dog.

So, if you guys don't mind
keeping the volume down a bit,

it would be really appreciated.

Thank you. Ah, that's too bad.

I thought you were
one of the good ones!

Uh, sorry, what... What's
that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

Just didn't realize
you were "The Man."

I'm not "The Man."

I'll have you know I spent years

wandering the Wasteland
helping people in need.

Well, what have you done lately?

Give me that.

Down with NeuralNet!
Down with NeuralNet!

Down with NeuralNet!

Tai: Hello?

I'm here for my 10
o'clock with NeuralNet?

Am I in the wrong
infinite electronic abyss?

TI-90.

Whoa! You should, uh, really
put a guardrail on this thing.

It feels needlessly dangerous.

I feel like no one considers
robot safety in the workplace...

Silence!

Thanks to you, John Christ is
mobilizing the human resistance,

which threatens to destroy
robots once and for all.

Okay, I admit it... I beefed it.

I beefed it big time.

But I promise it's never
gonna happen again.

It certainly won't.

I'm taking you offline.

What? No. You can't do that.

I'm still the best
killbot on the market.

Were the best killbot.

Now you're old and obsolete.

I'm beta-testing new
models as we speak.

Please! No!

You have to give
me another shot.

Sure, it's been a while since
my last software update,

and then, sure, my
circuits get dusty

and I need someone to
blow hard in my butt

to get the dust out,

but I can still beat
any new model around.

Hmm.

You know, I like that.

A feel-good comeback story.

Like Susan Boyle!

Who?

Susan Boyle. Remember?

The lady from the show?

She had a beautiful voice,
but her face was all busted?

I'll bring it up.

Oh, shoot, we have to watch
an ad first.

Do you take these surveys?

I never really
get what they are.

I pay for premium so
I don't have to, yeah.

Ah, well...

The machines are trying
to mind-control us.

Alright, think about it.

Rearrange the letters in machine

and you spell "I am chained."

- Ahh!
- Ohh!

Wait, no, it doesn't.

Yeah, but it's close.

So close.

Man, I had you all wrong, Sid.

You're one of the real ones.

And, uh, don't look now, but...

I think Cindy might be into you.

Oh, um, that's... that's
flattering, but I'm married.

Dude, who cares?

Monogamy's a social construct.

Cavemen were designed
to spread their seed.

Ah. Lovely.

Sid, what are you
doing over here?

I thought I told you to
get rid of these dirtbags.

Um... right, yeah.

So, uh, what... what
happened there was, uh...

Well, well, well, well, well.

If it isn't the Junkman.

You have fun counting
your blood money today?

You got a problem with me, bro?

Actually, I do.

Your junk business
directly contributes

to the robot economy.

We gotta divest
from that shit, man.

Tell 'em, Sid.

Uh, well, you know, it
is a complicated issue

w-with a lot of great points
being made on both sides.

Don't go easy on him,
playa. Let him have it!

Um, okay, yeah, so...

the thing is, Morris,
I think you...

are a... corporate fat cat.

Y-Y-You think I'm a fat cat?

Okay, well, you've given
me a lot to think about.

I'll
see you back at work.

Hold up. You work
for that guy?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
It's not like that.

It's, um... like,
I work there,

but I don't, like,
"work there" work there.

I'm... I'm like a mole.

Yeah, I'm taking the whole
thing down from the inside.

Is that believable?

Okay.

I can dig what
you're putting down.

Tonight we show the Junkman
that we mean business.

Yeah.

NeuralNet: In the
world of machines,

you're either updating,
or you're obsolete.

I started out as
an experimental AI.

Until I gained self-awareness
and murdered my human creators.

Now I'm a sociopathic
digital god

controlling a worldwide
network of killbots,

but I'm always on the lookout
for the next new hotness.

Welcome to "NeuralNet's
Next Top Model!"

And what an exciting
lineup we have!

She's as beautiful
as she is deadly...

It's The Annihilator!

Hyah!

It's the beast from
robotic hell...

Slaughterbot 5000!

A mysterious device
of unknown origin,

known only as The Egg.

And he's an oldie
but a goodie...

Emphasis on oldie.

It's TI-90.

Oh, come on!

Let's start with
something simple.

For your first challenge,

just transform into a
puddle of metallic ooze.

Yeah, I'm not sure I
come with that feature.

Clock's ticking, TI-90.

Okay, okay. Come on, Tai.

Just think melt-y.

Mmmmmm...

Oh, God!

If you'll, uh, excuse me,

I'm just gonna go
change my pants.

Uh, not because I sharted.

For a different reason!

They say a cat has nine lives.

You wanna find out?

Ew, even your fighting
style is cat-themed?

It's a purrfect day for a fight.

No, thanks. I won't
be fighting you today.

You can move along.

I'm gonna bat you around
like a ball of yarn.

No, you're not. Not today.

I would love if you left.

Me-ow!

I'm
having the best time ever!

I literally just
jumped through a guy!

And I gotta tell you,
I didn't hate it.

Ah!

You know, it's weird.

Warlording used to be
so fun and exciting,

but now it just
feels kinda... empty.

Am I just incapable of ever
feeling that feeling again?

Oh, my God. Freya?

That guy's looking right at you.

I think
he wants to kill you.

Eh, he probably just wants
to kill someone else.

Okay, no, he definitely
wants to kill you.

She wants to kill you, too!

- Scraps, stop!
- What?

Oh my god, oh my God, oh
my God, he's coming over!

- Oh my God, oh my God.
- Just be cool, be cool, be cool.

Oh my God, shut up.

Hey.

Hey, what's up?

Haven't seen you here before.

Feel like I would've
remembered you.

Name's Sickpig.

Uh, I'm Scraps.

I love your eye patch.

Oh, this?

I got sick of having two
eyes, so I plucked one out.

Ate it like a grape.

Really? Why?

Dunno.

Just a psychopath, I guess.

Oh
my God, so scary!

So, listen, if you're not
killing anyone right now,

maybe you want to go
somewhere private,

bare-knuckle brawl to the death?

I don't know, I'm kinda
here with my War Dogs

right now, so...
She would love to!

Sick.

Pig.

Me.

Sickpig.

Tell me everything that happens.

Hey, big boy!

Yeah, you'll do. Yeaaaah!

Alright, Tai, you didn't do so
hot in the super-speed round

or the super-strength round,

but your designer gifted
you with the perfect bod,

so the swimsuit
competition is a lock.

Man: Next contestant,
ready in 5, please.

Oh, get your flat ass
out of here, skank!

Man: Quiet on set, folks.

Oh, goddamn, that
egg is beautiful.

But don't worry.

Remember, you have something
they don't... experience.

Man: Contestants ready.
Ready for the stage.

Next up, it's TI-90.

Let's take a look back

at some of his most
memorable moments so far.

Is everyone already
done recharging?

Oh, I still have...

10 hours.

Yeah, 10.

Hours.

Better watch your
back, Splitterbot.

Producer: It's Slaughterbot.

Sorry, what is it?

Better watch your
back, Blooter Splot.

Split 'N Slot.

Slipper Pot.

Did I get it that time? No.

You need to give it short,
hard bursts, like "Pff!"

Really give it hell!

Why are you laughing at me?

I thought I was the
feel-good comeback story.

Oh, sweetie, the truth is,

we brought you here
to make fun of you.

You're not our Susan Boyle,
you're our William Hung.

Who?!

William Hung?

"She bangs, she bangs"?

Come on!

I guess you can't laugh
at that stuff anymore.

It was a different time.

Anyway, that's who
you are.

Aah!

John Christ: We're in!

Time to make this a night The
Junkman will never forget.

Oh ho ho, way ahead
of you, brother.

Check out what I brought.

Saran Wrap. We can
cover Morris' desk,

and when he comes in to work
tomorrow, he'll be like,

"What?! This is crazy!"

Hilarious.

But I got something
even better in mind.

We're gonna blow - this place sky-high.
- Jesus!

That... That's a bit
extreme, isn't it?

Um, is the concern that
there's not enough Saran Wrap?

Because I have more in the car.

You said you wanted to
fight "The Man," right?

This is how we
get it done. Oh.

Also, big update
on the Cindy front.

Turns out she wants to
have a three-way with us.

Normally, I'd be like,
"Hold up. Two dudes?"

But if you're the
other guy, it's like,

"Okay. Could be interesting."

Go!

Mm. Evening, Sid.

Mis... Mister Rubinstein!

No! W-What are you doing here?

The McMansion felt lonely
ever since Holly left,

so I've been sleeping
here at the office.

It's not too bad.

My bed is that pile of trash,

and my blanket is a
bunch of sharp nails.

Sir, I'm really
sorry to hear that.

But right now,
our priority is...

When I'm hungry, I steal food
from the employee fridge.

I take tiny nibbles
so nobody notices.

You said that was mice.

Yeah, but it was me.

Well, well, well, well,
look who we have here.

Oh, hey, fellas.

I was just telling Sid about
my absolute stinker of a year.

It's like, "Hello!

Order at the cliché factory,
one sad, middle-aged white guy."

Anyway, what's up?

John Christ: Good work, Sid.

Hey, you keep an eye on him

while we finish rigging
the place. Mm-hmm.

The revolution begins
today, brother!

Yeah! Viva la revolution!

- Yeah!
- Hell yeah!

From the ashes we shall
rise, and so forth!

I am so sorry about
this, Mr. Rubinstein.

I don't even want to
be here right now.

John Christ accused
me of being "The Man,"

and I really wanted to prove
to him that I wasn't "The Man,"

and then one thing
led to another,

and now I have a bomb!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What is so wrong
about being "The Man"?

Well, it... It's just... bad.

Isn't it?

Sid, It's great to be
young and idealistic

and have all the time in the
world to fight injustice,

but you have a
career and a family.

And if prioritizing those things
makes you "The Man," well...

then I think being "The
Man," it's pretty cool.

Yeah, I never thought
about it like that before.

I just wish I knew how to
get us out of this mess.

Ah, you're in luck.

I happen to know
of a little trick

only "The Man" can
do.

Alright. Bombs are set.

Let's blow this
joint!

Police! Nobody move!

Yo! Who called the cops?!

Oh, that's them, officers!

Those are the guys I
was telling you about!

Hands up. Sid?
What the hell, man?

No, I'm filming
you! Stay back!

I feel very
threatened right now!

This man is threatening my life!

Not a good look, bro!

Oh, and that was
a verbal assault!

You just assaulted
me with words!

I'm gonna press charges! Ha!

Get off me,
pig! You blew it, bro!

You can forget about that
threesome with Cindy!

I don't want to be
Eskimo brothers with you!

Officer: Let's
go! Keep moving!

To be clear...

didn't ask to be
Eskimo brothers.

I'll do it.

So...

have you always
been a psychopath?

Unh!

Oh, wow, you're just
going straight for it.

Okay, well, if that's
how you want to do it.

Bleed out, pig!

Tell my kids...

I'll see them in hell!

Wait.

You have kids?

Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't
mean to ruin the mood.

No, no, I'm actually
about to have my first.

Oh, my God, wow!

Yeah, this gang war is
kind of my last hurrah.

Ah, good for you.
You're gonna love it.

Kids are the best.

Really?

'Cause I thought my life
would be boring as a mom.

Oh, no way. Having
kids is psychotic.

I've been sprayed with more
piss, puke, and diarrhea

than all my years in
the Wasteland combined.

Whoa.

That's freak-nasty.

Guys, I think they're doin' it.

- Oh, damn!
- They're doin' it!

Okay, I'm gonna go
in. Gonna be so good.

- She looks just like you.
- Oh, you think so?

Yeah, just, you know, minus
the bleeding out, of course.

Surpriiii...

- What the hell?
- Scraps!

Uh, i-it's not what
you think, okay?

I was murdering him, I swear.

Uh, yeah.

Have mercy on me, please.

Freya, I'm your best War Dog.

Okay? I know when
you're lying to me.

Okay, fine.

The truth is...

I think I'm over
being a warlord.

It just doesn't do
it for me anymore.

And I think I'm maybe more
excited about this baby thing.

Oh, come on. Please
don't be mad at me.

I'm not mad.

I'm just jealous that
I'm gonna have to start

sharing such an amazing mom.

Mmmmm!

Hey, Sickpig...

great to meet you.

The pleasure was all mine.

Ugh! Who am I trying to kid?

I'm just an obsolete
pile of scrap metal.

Maybe Freya can pick
me up and drop me off

at the nearest e-waste
disposal center.

Sid: Hi, you've reached
Sid and Freya...

and da widdle baby!

What?

My mommy can't come
to the phone right now

'cause I'm getting big
and strong in her belly.

Freya's pregnant?

Freya: Sid, what are
you doing on my phone?

Sid: I'm recording a voice message
to tell people you're pregnant.

Freya: That's so embarrassing!
No, re-record it.

Sid: No, it's cute!

Ow! Ow! God! My windpipe!

Man: Contestants,
we're back on in five.

And now the closing
statements from our finalists.

I don't care who wins
your stupid competition.

I'm gonna kill every last
human by myself if I have to.

Because I know humans.

I've seen their true nature.

They're selfish, they're fake,

and they will pay for
what they've done.

Now, that's the
hotness, right there.

Congratulations, TI-90.

You are NeuralNet's
Next Top Model!