Miracle Workers (2019–…): Season 4, Episode 3 - The MatriXXX - full transcript

We have a bunch of errands
to run this weekend,

so can we try and get
to the abandoned mall

early to avoid
the radioactive zombies?

They make parking
a nightmare.

Mm, I need to finish
reading this old

box of toothpaste
before book club.

Had a great beginning
where the toothpaste was minty,

but now I'm in
this boring part

where four out of five
dentists recommend it.

Well, good night.

Should we have sex?



W-What?
I don't know.

It's just been a while
since we last did it.

Might be nice to give the
Little Warlord some fresh air.

Yeah, no, I wasn't exactly
in a, like, sex frame of mind,

but, no, definitely,
let's do it.

Let's have
sexual intercourse...

baby.

All right.

I'll just mount
the ol' war rig...

Yeah.

Sorry.

That was
the Indian food.

That's okay.
There we go.

Hi.



Uh, does Scraps have
to be here?

It's fine. He doesn't even
know what he's seeing.

No, yes, I do.
It's sex, and I like it.

That's good.

That's real good.

Maybe we should just
take a rain check.

Yeah.
Yeah.

What?

At noon, you have
your meeting

with the Trash Pickers
Union.

Devon, quit selling doodads
and focus on gizmos!

At 2:00 p.m.,
you wanted to survey

the floating garbage island
that just washed ashore.

Keep sorting, Sikowsky!

Just because you
don't have arms

doesn't mean
your teeth don't work.

Oh, and later on,

you've got your 40-year
high school reunion.

That's fun!

Oof, no, thanks.

Believe it or not,
I wasn't exactly

"Mister Popular"
in high school.

Everyone called me
Moaning Morris --

because I moaned so much
when they punched me.

But they only punched me
because I moaned.

It was a real
chicken-and-egg situation.

Right. But that was --
that was a long time ago,

Mr Rubinstein.

Don't you want to go back
and show your old classmates

what kind of a man
you've become?

Hey, you're right.

I'm probably way more successful
than those schmucks.

And now I can really rub it
in their stinkin' faces!

Right.
That seems like an almost

willful misinterpretation
of what I said, but okay.

Thanks, Sid!

That was great advice
you gave me, as I understood it.

Great.

Hey!
You get out of here!

Next time I see you,
I'm gonna kill you!

You hear me?!

I'll kill you!

I'll kill you!

Phew!
Another close one.

Good thing I'm here
to protect the place.

Mm-hmm.

So, I had the hottest sex
last night with this

Rube Goldberg machine.

He did this thing where
he tipped a row of dominos,

which made a bowling ball
roll down a ramp,

which lit a candle,
and long story short,

a mousetrap
fell on my penis.

That sounds hot.

It was.

Just, back in the Wasteland,
Sid and I used to do it

all the time --
in the car, in the sand,

once midair,
falling off a cliff.

Mmm.
But now that we're married,

it's like
we're business partners

that just happen
to live together.

See, this is what happens
when you decide

to spend your life
with the exact same person.

Your passion is gonna
continue to dwindle,

until you'll become like
all these other

Boomtown couples,
whose only idea of romance

is a weekly date night
at the Boomtown Bistro.

That sounds horrible! I don't
want that for me and Sid!

Don't worry.
You're with a licensed sexpert.

That's "sex"
plus "expert."

Right, yeah.
No, I got that.

So why didn't you laugh?

Morris Rubinstein, CEO,
Morris's Junk Emporium.

Welcome, Morris!
You're the last one to arrive.

Am I late?
Oh, let me check with my Rolex.

Here's your name tag.

Thank you.

Well, guess I'll make
my grand entrance, then.

They're all skeletons.

Yes, unfortunately,
they all died in The Boom.

Well, there's no point
bragging about my success

if they're all dead.

I'm gonna go.

Say, is that Ron Miller?

I'd recognise that
big oaf anywhere.

Hey, Miller!

Yeah, thought you
were so cool?

Well, now you're dead,
and I've got a Rolex!

Freya, Sid, thank you
for agreeing to do

this important work
for your relationship.

Yeah, I'm not sure
I'm comfortable

talking about
this kind of stuff,

especially with your famously
bitchy best friend.

Oh, everything said here
is completely confidential.

Unless, of course, I think
it's funny or just plain nasty.

Sid, we have to figure out a way
to save our sex life.

Okay?
It's important to me.

Yeah, uh, okay.
Yeah, let's -- let's do it.

That's the spirit.

Now, I'm gonna need you to put
on your neural transmitters.

You'll feel the teensiest
little pinch

as the brain-stinger
shoots into your spine.

Sorry, what?

Uh...
where are we?

A place to explore the outer
reaches of your sexual reality.

Welcome...

to the Matrix-x-x.

So, w-w-why are you saying
it like that?

Oh, it's like the Matrix
but with three X's at the end.

You know, like a sex thing?

Oh.

You kind of have to see it
written out for it to work.

No, no, it works.
It's good.

Yeah, it's funny.

Anyway...

The Matrix-x-x is
a simulated reality.

Your bodies are back in the real
world, being watched by Scraps.

Scraps, do you read me?

Yo, you're coming in loud
and clear, boss!

Not exactly sure
what I'm looking at here.

Just a bunch of numbers
falling down a screen,

but I'm just gonna keep on
looking back and forth

at these monitors
and randomly pressing stuff.

The only way to counteract
the boner-killing effects

of married life
is by introducing

ever-more elaborate kinks
into the bedroom.

But first, we're gonna
need dildos.

Lots of dildos.

Whoa.

The simulation can manifest
your wildest fantasies

simply by thinking of them.

If things ever get too intense,
the safe word...

is "boogie board."

Yeah, I don't know.
I think this --

this might be
just a little much for me.

Maybe we start by just
lighting some candles or --

or put on some
mood music?

Smooth jazz
can be very kinky.

Relax. This'll just be
silly and fun.

Here, I'll go first.

Help! Help!
He's gonna kill me!

This is silly and fun?

So I say to the guy,
"Watch it, pal.

This suit costs more
than your car."

Aww.

Anybody want
another drink?

I can afford it,
trust me.

Ohh! Oh.

Well, if it isn't
my old bully, Sean Bachman.

Well, news flash, Sean --
I'm not Moaning Morris anymore.

I'm a big success, and you're
just a big pile of bones.

Yeah, words were never
your thing, were they?

Well, let me put it in
language you'll understand.

Ah!

Noooo! D'oh!

Don't look at me!

No! Don't! Ow!

Now I'm moaning.

Moaning Morris!

Oh, no!

You monster.

I'll never give you the
coordinates to the Oasis,

no matter what you do
to my hot little body.

God, no, Freya, I would
never dream of hurting you.

I love you.

No, Sid,
we're role-playing.

I'm the helpless peasant,
and you're the evil mechanic.

Now, I want you
to take control of me!

Right. Uh...

Okay.

Yeah, I --
I'm a mean, scary guy.

Yeah.

I guess we're gonna have to do
this the hard way.

Ay-yay-yay-
yay-yay-yay-yay!

Oh, God!
Freya, I am so sorry!

I did not realise
that was gonna do that!

Oh. That was amazing.

What?
Do it again.

You liked that?
That -- That looked so painful.

Sid, I'm not
some delicate flower, okay?

I can handle it.

Now I want you to zap me like
I'm a baked potato!

Okay.
Um, uh, here I go.

Ay-yay-yay-yay-yay-yay!

It's s-o-o g-o-o-o-ood!

Yeah, it's fun
for me, too.

Turn it u-u-u-u-up!

Okay.

Aaaa-whooooooooooooo!

Oh, no, no,
I can't do this!

I'm sorry! Boogie board!
Boogie board! Boogie board!

Aww.

Why'd you stop?
I was just about to explode.

Yeah, Sid, what do you
have against

giving your wife pleasure?

No, no, that
wasn't pleasure.

I can still smell
her hair burning.

Are you really telling me
you've never had

a single secret sexual fantasy
in your entire life?

I mean, of course,
everyone's got something.

Really?
You never told me.

What is it?
No, I can't.

It's not appropriate.

You'll --
You'll think I'm weird.

Sid, I love you, and I want
to make you happy.

Okay, there's nothing you could
say that would turn me off.

Please.

You promise?

I promise.

I really want to hear.

Okay.

I am sexually attracted
to boulders.

I'm sorry.
What was that?

When I was a young
road wanderer,

experiencing my first
sexual stirrings...

Right.
...there weren't

a lot of people around,

but there were
a lot of boulders.

And I think that I may have
accidentally projected

some of my feelings on to...

them.

So, yeah.

I'm horny for boulders.

What the...

Oh, that's --
that's great.

Really?
Yeah.

Yeah, boulders.

I mean, that's --
that's sexy.

Right, Tai?
Oh, no.

I know this is supposed to be
a judgment-free zone,

but your boy's a freak.

Oh.

Thanks for the ice.

Serves me right for taking
a shot at you.

You know, you're a really
good listener, Sean.

I had you all wrong.

Yeah, maybe I should put my old
grievances aside

and move on with my life.

To putting the past behind us.

Say...

is that Misty Sanders?

Boy, I used to have
the biggest crush on her,

but I never had the guts
to ask her out.

What's that smile?
You think I should talk to her?

You dog!

All right.
I'm gonna do it.

You dog.

Hey, Misty?

Uh, Morris Rubinstein.

You probably don't remember me.

I used to sit behind you
in math class.

I almost failed algebra
because of you.

Well, you haven't
slapped me yet.

That's a good sign.

Misty, would I be too bold
to ask you to dance?

♪ Please just stay near ♪

Honey, I'm home!

Oh.

Am I interrupting something?

We've been waiting for you.

Come join us.

A boulder in
our marital bed.

This feels so wrong.

But also so right.

Okay, now you two kiss.

Oh. Um...

okay.

Oh, my God.

Mmm, pebbly.

Right.
Now let's triple kiss.

Yeah.

Oh, wow, this is so hot.

Oh, you must weigh
a thousand tons.

If you rolled down
a hillside,

you would crush everything
in your path.

Cool, cool.

Oh, no.

Horniness levels are plummeting.

Not again.

Hey, get back here!

I'm gonna kill you!

I want to free solo
you so bad.

So I'm fully out of the scenario
at this point, right?

I'm just checking.
I can't stand it any longer.

I need you now.

Oh, it's better than
I could've ever imagined.

The boulder's surface
is so rough.

There's not even a hole.
I am just smashing my dick

against the hard
boulder surface.

That's it.
Boogie board!

A million times
boogie board!

Boulder -- Aah!

Nope. Nope.
That was too messed up.

Hey, don't kink-shame me!
I feel vulnerable right now.

Well, that was the freakiest
shit I've ever seen!

Wait.
My thing was freaky?

At least I didn't want to be
actually tortured!

I am loving this open
and honest communication.

I feel like we're on the verge
of a major breakthrough.

Shut up, Tai! This sucks.
I don't want to do this anymore.

Yeah, this has been
a complete disaster.

Get us out of here.
All right, geez.

If you want to give up
on your relationship forever.

Scraps, give us an exit.

Scraps?

Just get back here!

Get back here!
I'll kill you!

I'll kill you!
I'll kill you!

Huh.

Tai?
Hmm?

Did you trap us in
a computer prison forever?

S-Sorry.
What was that?

I'm -- I'm just gonna
go check on that.

Yeah, I'm here.

Oh, Misty, you make me feel
like I'm 16 again,

dancing with
the prettiest girl in school.

Oh, what are you doing to me?

I'm a married man.

This is crazy.

Oh, hell, let's be crazy.

♪ I'm holding out for love ♪

♪ The reason the sun comes up ♪

♪ Your the life ♪

Whoa! Oh, Misty!
I love you!

I spy with my little eye
something white.

What's the matter?
You don't want to play anymore?

I'm sad about
our relationship.

So that's it?

We're just gonna become one of
those sexless couples,

like Tai said?

Who go on boring date nights
at the Boomtown Bistro?

Ugh, no.
Can you imagine?

"Uh, hey, let's make time out of
our already very busy lives

to go just hang out
with each other

in a different place
that isn't our house."

"I'll put on
my nice top,

even though you've literally
seen me naked a thousand times."

"Yeah, and I'll put
on my one nice shirt."

Aw, you haven't worn
that shirt in forever.

It looks nice on you.
Thanks.

You look so pretty.

Bet the bar
would be stupid.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Though is does create
a nice ambiance.

It is really pleasant.

Thank you, thank you.

That one was called,
"I Ate My Baby."

Bet the cocktails
have stupid names,

like "Wasteland Punch"
and "Atomic Apple-Tini."

Although, that one does
look really good.

Should we get one?
Ooh!

It's still happy hour.
Drinks are half off.

Well, then we
should get two.

Sid, you're bad.

I know.

God, stupid mailman.

Almost had him.

What the -- This can't be right.

The horniness levels...

...they're rising.

Okay.

This date night is kind of
doing it for me.

Should we...?

You know.

Freya, we're in the middle
of a wine bar.

Sid, none of this is real.

We're in a simulation.

Oh, yeah.

I forgot.

They're doing it.

It's beautiful.

Sexy.
Who's your daddy?

Oh, you're my daddy!
Who's your daddy?

You're my daddy!
Whoo!

Go, Mom and Dad!

Oh. You know,
I don't understand this --

I don't understand this one.

Woop!
Ho-ho! Sacre bleu!

Hold on to your butts,
Mom and Dad.

You're coming home.

No! Not like this!

Hi.

There, there.

Okay, let me go
grab you a towel.

Thanks.

Ugh!
You had a date night?

It was actually really fun.
There was live music.

Ugh!
Great atmosphere.

Ugh!
And the shishito peppers.

The shishito peppers.

Oh, my God.
Nom nom nom.

I need to wipe my hard drive
to erase this memory.

I feel sick.

You are my little
shishito pepper.

You're my little
shishito pepper.

Nom nom nom
nom nom nom nom!

Hey, lovebirds.
Beautiful day, ain't she?

Hey, Mr Rubinstein!
Oh!

So, did you end up
rubbing your success

in your classmates' faces?

No, I'm beyond all that.

I was able to put the past
in the past.

I caught up with friends,
patched up old grievances,

had sex with a skeleton,
and danced our butts off --

Sorry.
You did what?

Danced our butts off.

Honestly, Sid,
try and keep up sometime.

Well, anyway, I should probably
get home to my loving wife.

I'll see you at work.

Hmm.

That guy is your mentor.

Yes, he is.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hey!

Mwah.

The kids will be here any minute
to celebrate your birthday.

Okay. Just need to get
these shoes off.

My dogs
are killing me.

Told you I'd kill you.

Honey!
The kids are here!