Miracle Workers (2019–…): Season 3, Episode 4 - Oregon Trail: What Happens in Branchwater - full transcript
The wagon train stops in the sinful town of Branchwater, luring Ezekiel into a night of debauchery and temptation. Meanwhile, Benny finds his favourite saloon has transformed into an inauthentic tourist trap.
Prudence, you have
gotta come outside!
I've just seen the biggest rock!
- Oh!
- Oh, Zeke.
Prudence, I'm so sorry.
I thought you were decent.
Oh, it's okay.
They're just ankles.
Wanna help me cool them off?
Prudence,
you're a married woman.
Come on, Zekey.
Use that big Bible
to cool off
my hot little ankles.
[saxophone music plays]
Like, um...
Like this?
Mmm, yeah, that's good.
I can't believe
this is actually happening.
- More.
- Your ankles are so bony.
- [sighs]
- The bone really juts out.
Faster.
More. Oh, Zeke!
- [man's voice] Zeke. Zeke.
- Zeke! Zeke!
- Zeke. Wake up, man.
- [thunder rumbles]
You were thrashing
around in your sleep.
Oh, right. Sorry.
I wasn't saying anything, was I?
Nope.
Except you did say,
"I'm horny for ankles."
That could mean almost anything.
- No, it can't.
- No, it can't.
[theme song plays]
[oxen mooing]
Oh, I hate this leg of the trip.
Why did Thomas Jefferson
have to buy
this shit piece of land?
Please don't get started
on Thomas Jefferson again.
- Well, he was a crook.
- Oh, here we go.
Ah, they're all crooks.
But the Whig party
on the other hand,
now they're the party
of the people.
I don't think
we should talk politics.
A million and eleven,
a million and twelve...
a million, thirteen...
a million, sign.
Sign!
- Hey, look!
- ZEKE: Whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
Hey, look, it's a sign.
Yeah!
Branchwater.
Oh, that is the nastiest
saloon town I've ever been to.
And this is coming from
a guy who spent New Year's
at the Alabama Ass Factory.
- Ooh.
- Sounds wild. Let's go!
No, no, guys, if we're trying
to get to Oregon before winter,
we do not have time
for a detour.
- [all groan]
- Come on, Zeke.
These people need a break.
I need a break.
It'll be good for morale.
- I don't know.
- Please?
Come on, please, please,
please, please, please?
Please, please, please, please.
[saxophone music resumes]
Oh... yes. Okay, one.
One night. That's it.
Hey folks!
We're going to Branchwater!
[all cheering]
Yes!
[cheering continues]
Hyah!
Well, well, well.
You see that, Angela?
Looks like we're heading
to Branchwater.
Oh, Angela!
Did you fart again?
I told you to stop eating dairy!
BENNY: All right,
folks, we made it!
It's party time!
I'm getting so drunk,
I'm gonna piss myself.
Me too, honey.
Are you coming in?
No, I'm just gonna
wait by the wagon
and protect my soul
from eternal damnation.
But you have fun.
Come on!
I just want to party
with my best friend.
And ooh! Wait.
Do I hear God?
"Zeke, I command thee
to have fun
for once in your life."
No, that's deeply
sacrilegious, Pru.
"And buy Prudence shots.
Lots and lots of shots."
As I said, no thanks.
A place like this is
no place for a reverend.
[sighs] All right, fine.
You know, you should try
to loosen up.
Just once. I don't know.
You might like it.
The Bible is what I like.
"These are the names
of the sons of Abraham,
"according to their families,
after their places,
by their names."
- [ox grunts]
- Fun.
Fun, fun, fun.
All right, folks.
I say we hit the bar first,
and then we check out
the brothel.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Unfortunately,
we are at capacity
right now.
Capacity?
They used to pack this place
tighter than a sardine barrel.
Oh, you're one of
the old-timers.
Yeah, the Oregon Trail
brought in a ton
of new customers,
so management made a few changes
to appeal to a wider clientele.
But if you want to wait
by the gift shop,
I'll let you know as soon as
some space opens up.
Gift shop?
Key chains?
T-shirts?
"The Original
Devil's Taint Cookbook"?
What the hell happened
to this place?
It totally sold out.
Hairy bastard!
Is that what passes as
a saloon brawl these days?
Pretty weak.
Looks like some space
just opened up.
- Enjoy.
- Let's go.
"And though shalt know
that I am the Lord."
Whoo! Evenin', my lad!
What's a handsome
young fella like you
doing here all alone
instead of out on the town?
Oh, well, no,
it's not really my scene.
I'm... I'm... I'm a reverend.
Then we both do the Lord's work.
I peddle miracle cures.
I'm a snake oil salesman.
Snake oil?
Um... no offense, but,
isn't that just
a bunch of hokum?
Not at all.
Snake oil is
a potent aphrodisiac.
Might come in handy
with that young missus
I saw you with earlier?
Oh, that lady's not my missus.
We're just friends.
My mistake. Snake oil
is not merely an aphrodisiac,
it's also quite good
with hair loss.
Oh. I don't have
that issue.
Well, what do you got?
Back pain?
- No.
- Tennis elbow?
- No.
- The pox.
- No, not yet.
- Burgundy stool.
- No.
- Uh, anxiety?
Oh, my friend did just tell me
I could stand to
loosen up a bit.
That's what snake oil is for!
But don't take my word for it.
Here.
Try one of my samples.
See for yourself.
Thank you.
Oh. Oh, that's good.
Yeah. Oh, it's got
an aftertaste.
Yeah, kinda snakey.
Now you only need a little bit.
Just one or two drops
ought to do it.
[gulping] Mmm!
Hey, man. Don't tell me
how to live my life.
Shit, this stuff's great.
Are you gonna be
all right here?
Oh, yes.
I'll just amuse myself by
looking at the pretty bottles.
All right, I'm gonna go
find the poker table,
throw some cash around
with the big boys.
Wish me luck.
[sighs]
Hey, barkeep. Whiskey.
[shrill laughter]
And so that is why
I raised the prices
on the Tijuana Coochie Twist.
Finally, girl.
That move is worth it.
- [laughter]
- Um, excuse me.
Are you ladies
women of the night?
[all gasp]
It's the 1840s.
The preferred term is whores.
Oh, sorry. Didn't mean
to offend you... whores.
I just think what you do
is so amazing.
It's always sounded so exotic.
Well, would you want
to give it a try?
[scoffs] What? No!
Me? Come... really?
Come on, let's just get you
into a dress.
We have one exactly your size.
One of the girls was just
stabbed to death in it.
Oh. Just my luck.
[laughter]
[clears throat]
Excuse me, boys.
You mind if I join?
This ain't no game
for a gentleman.
I may be a gentleman,
but, uh... whew.
My friends here...
well, they play real dirty.
Take a seat.
Interesting.
All in.
Full house.
Shit!
[clears throat] That's...
Okay.
Let me just, um...
Okay.
Now I'm focused.
I'm sorry, madam,
this prostitution menu
is ridiculous.
There's too many choices.
I remember when
all you could order
was a 2-buck pump and dump.
And that was all you needed.
Benny the Teen.
Choose your last words
carefully,
because this time,
there'll be no escape.
Whoopsie!
I'll take that.
This is a no-shooting
establishment after 6:00.
You can grab your gun
from the valet
on your way out.
Thank you so much!
Cute hat.
I'm sorry, what the hell?
I know!
This place sucks now.
What the [bleep]?
Almost done! And...
Voila.
Oh, my God.
I look like a whore.
And I love it!
Girl, you're like
a young Betsy Ross,
but like, a whore.
[laughs]
Ha, ha!
Howdy, folks.
Somebody order a party?
- Reverend Brown?
- Farmer John! Looking sexy!
Granny McGill,
we are doing shots later
and you're not
getting out of it.
Zeke, is that you?
- [gasps]
- WHORES: Your first client!
Whoa, Prude!
Is that you?
What do you think?
Just a little something
I picked up from
a dead whore's closet.
Thought you were waiting
in the wagon.
Hmm, well, yes, I was.
But then,
I had a little bit
of this snake oil,
and now I'm feeling good.
Reverend Brown gettin' down
with snake oil?
- What would Jesus think?
- Bleagh!
Who cares what he thinks?
Aah! [laughs]
I've lived my whole life
with all those rules
and restrictions.
I've been such a dork, right?
- I mean, yeah, a little.
- Yeah!
I just want to scream it
out to the world...
Reverend Ezekiel Brown
is a big fat dork!
Oh, my God! Stop.
But don't. I love it.
You hearing that music?
Is it coming from the piano
or is it coming
straight from my heart?
Do you want to dance?
No, Prudence,
I don't want to dance.
- I need to dance.
- [giggles]
I mean, what the hell
happened to this place?
Used to be you could come in
any night of the week
and you'd find
Three-Fingered Joe
strangling anyone who
looked at him sideways.
- Oh, Dirty Dick Bob.
- Right?
Sticking his you-know-what
into whatever hole
he could find.
Kids these days
are buying cowboy hats
with bullet holes
already in them.
- You're kidding!
- No!
Sorry for that long wait.
Now what can I get you?
I'll have a steak, bloody.
- Make that two.
- Ooh, sorry.
We actually stopped
carrying steak.
- No steak?
- We do have shishito peppers,
that are lightly drizzled
with Ortega cheese,
that are just absolutely mmm!
All right, that's it.
I've had enough!
[pounds table, objects clatter]
That's what's wrong
with this country today!
You make everything
clean and nice
and pretty for everyone,
but then you lose
what makes it cool
and authentic and real!
I want the grit!
I want the soul!
Yeah!
Most of all,
I want my goddamn steak!
Do you want to speak
to the manager?
Yes, I'd like to speak
to the manager, thank you.
Ho ho, that was great!
Was the fist slam too much?
No, it was perfect.
Ow.
Well, it has not been
my night. [chuckles]
I almost had you
on that last hand.
Just... [clears throat]
Okay.
Hoo! Finally.
Okay, looks like my ship
has come in.
- I'll raise.
- Sorry, pardner,
but you got nothing left
to raise with.
I have more money, in my wagon.
Well, I'm good for it.
I swear.
I'll take the gentleman's
word for it. Let's see.
Four aces.
Read 'em and weep,
you filthy bastards!
Not so fast.
Five aces.
What? How is that
even possible?
Hold on.
- Twelve aces.
- MAN: Dang it!
I do not understand
the rules of this game.
Gentlemen, you wanted to speak
with the manager?
You're damn right we want to...
- Dirty Dick Bob?
- Benny the Teen?
Bounty hunter with no name?
How the hell are you guys?
We were just talking about you!
- What?
- How'd they let a nasty pervert
like Dirty Dick Bob
run a slick joint like this?
Actually, it's
Dirty Dick Robert now.
I run the front of the house,
and my wife handles the books.
- You have a wife?
- I sure do.
I can't believe it!
You used to stick your dick
into anything that moved!
And plenty of stuff that didn't!
Yes, I did fornicate
with objects,
but you can't stay young
forever.
Eventually you gotta grow up
and start having a real life.
But enough about me.
What have you guys been up to?
Oh, you know,
mostly the same stuff.
You know, chasing this guy.
Yeah, the same.
Being chased by him.
Wow, so you guys are still
doing that whole thing.
Well, cool. Very cool.
[stammers]
I'd love to stay and chat,
but I should get back to work.
Sure, but maybe we could
all hang out sometime.
Maybe. It... it's difficult
with the kids and all.
Hostess, more
shishito peppers over here!
On the house!
[laughs]
Huh.
Yeah.
- [cheering]
- [piano playing]
My skin feels electric.
Touch it!
It's electric, right?
Why can't it be
like this forever?
I don't want to go to stupid
Oregon and be a boring wife.
Shh! Shh!
Shush your mouth right now.
I'm shushing.
Nothing has to change
after this trip.
It's your life, and you can do
whatever you want to do,
and be whoever you want to be.
You're right.
Thanks, Zeke.
I have an idea.
Why don't we do
some more snake oil?
Are you sure you need any more?
We're already having fun.
But think about it...
if we're having fun now,
things will be extra fun
with more snake oil!
That's just basic math.
Still a pass for me.
Thanks, though.
Oh, all right, Mom.
More yum-yums for Freaky Zekey.
Whoa, easy, champ.
Okay, Zeke, no.
Come on.
You need to take it down,
like, so many notches.
You're acting out of control.
Out of control? No.
I am in control for
the first time in my life.
There are no consequences
to my actions. I'm free!
[slowed-down evil laughter]
You're next, Ezekiel.
Ahh! The devil has come
for my soul!
I just meant
his song request is next.
- [sighs]
- Zeke.
Maybe my girlfriend's right.
Maybe I do come on too strong.
Can you believe
Dirty Dick Bob sold out?
What a loser, huh?
I don't know, Benny.
What if we're the losers?
What are you talking about?
We're the only real ones left.
- Remember?
- Are we?
Look at us.
We're doing the same thing
we were doing
since we were kids.
We don't have families
or houses or real jobs.
It's kinda pathetic, isn't it?
Let me ask you something...
do you love it?
- Oh, stop it.
- Do you love it?
Of course I love it.
But there comes a time
when you have to move on.
Leave childish things behind.
I'm hanging up my hat.
Maybe you should, too.
Dingus.
PRUDENCE: Zeke.
- BOTH: Ooh.
- Todd.
I... I didn't expect you
to see me like this.
Sorry, whore, I don't have time
for your cheap tricks.
I just gambled away
my entire fortune.
- You did what?
- Yeah, don't tell the missus.
Anyway, I gotta get
out of here quick
before those big
stinkin' lugs find me.
[gasps]
I've been looking
all over for you.
The only thing I'm
looking for is your blood.
- What's going on?
- [piano intro plays]
♪♪ She'll be coming round
the mountain when she comes ♪♪
♪♪ She'll be coming round the
mountain when she comes ♪♪
Holy smokes!
Is that the reverend?
What's he doing up there?
Look at those dead shark eyes.
Does he even know where he is?
I think he's just completely
out of his mind at this point.
♪♪ The mountain ♪♪
♪♪ When she comes ♪♪
♪♪ She'll be driving six white
horses when she comes ♪♪
♪♪ She'll be driving six
white horses when she comes ♪♪
Shake it, baby!
♪♪ She'll be driving
six white horses ♪♪
♪♪ She'll be driving six white
horses when she comes ♪♪
[dance music continues]
♪♪ She'll be coming round
the mountain
- ♪♪ When she comes ♪♪
- ♪♪ When she comes ♪♪
♪♪ She'll be coming round
the mountain when she comes ♪♪
- ♪♪ When she comes ♪♪
- ♪♪ When she comes ♪♪
♪♪ She'll be coming round
the mountain ♪♪
♪♪ She'll be coming
round the mountain ♪♪
♪♪ She'll be coming round
the mountain when she comes ♪♪
♪♪ Comes, comes, comes ♪♪
♪♪ Comes, comes, comes,
comes, comes ♪♪
[discordant piano flourish]
[weak applause]
Hey. [kisses]
[clears throat]
Zeke, that was...
I didn't even know what to say.
Just... wow.
Prudence, there is something
I've wanted to do
for a long time.
- Honk, honk.
- Excuse me?
Beep beep! Arooga!
Well, that was unexpected.
Pro tip?
Rob him while he's out.
Here, I'll show you.
Oh, nice.
He's got a Bible.
- [liquid pouring]
- [rooster crows]
Oh, we got most
of the glitter off,
and some coffee should help
the headache.
Thank you, Granny.
Prudence, I believe
a massive apology is in order.
Obviously I was totally
out of my mind last night
and I just hope you know
that none of that
would've happened
had it not been
for the snake oil.
Sorry to interrupt,
but, uh,
to protect myself legally
I should mention that snake oil
is completely fraudulent
and has no effects
whatsoever.
What?
You kids take care.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
You were saying?
So if snake oil is fake then
everything I did last night
was just me?
Yeah.
I'm disgusting.
I'm worse than disgusting.
- I'm a sinner.
- It wasn't great,
- but I wouldn't go that far.
- No, you don't understand.
I've committed a cardinal sin.
I've coveted my...
neighbor's wife.
What, what do you mean,
you covet me?
Like, covet, covet?
Yeah, like covet, covet.
But, you're my best friend.
- I know.
- And I'm married.
I know. Look, Pru,
I'm so sorry.
I tried to bury these feelings
for a long time.
I'm sorry, this is
a lot to take in.
I'm gonna go.
Girl troubles, huh?
You know the best cure for that?
- Snake oil.
- You just told me it was fake.
Shit.
♪♪♪♪♪♪
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
Yeah, you know,
this feels kinda weird.
Guess I thought
we'd be doing this forever.
You're a free man, right?
You finally got away from me,
fair and square.
You take care, Benny the Teen.
You too, nameless
bounty hunter guy.
♪♪♪♪♪♪
Hey.
My fingers are feeling
a little sticky.
I'm thinking I might
steal this horse.
Okay, don't do that.
You know that's a felony.
Oops.
Did I do that?
All right, you'd
better stop that, Benjamin.
Or what?
You gonna shoot me
for being naughty?
[chuckles]
Are we really doing this?
I don't know.
Are we?
All right, dirtbag.
I'm gonna give you
a 60-second head start
before I shoot you full of lead.
The only thing
you'll be shooting
is my dust.
Whoosh! Whoo hoo hoo!
60, 59, 58...
All right, people,
we gotta get a move on!
Got a bounty hunter
hot on my ass!
Ooh. Wild night, huh?
- Don't want to talk about it.
- Fair enough. Hyah!
[Benny humming "She'll Be
Coming Round the Mountain"]
- [Zeke sighs]
- BENNY: What?
You don't feel like singing now?
Five, four, three,
two, one.
Ready or not, here I come!
Oh, shoot! Where's my gun?
Oh, shoot,
I left it at the valet!
Hi! Hi. Um, I'm the cute
silver one in the back.
Um, I don't have my ticket,
but if you give me that gun,
I won't shoot you.
Have a great day!
[yells]
I'm coming for you, Benny!
gotta come outside!
I've just seen the biggest rock!
- Oh!
- Oh, Zeke.
Prudence, I'm so sorry.
I thought you were decent.
Oh, it's okay.
They're just ankles.
Wanna help me cool them off?
Prudence,
you're a married woman.
Come on, Zekey.
Use that big Bible
to cool off
my hot little ankles.
[saxophone music plays]
Like, um...
Like this?
Mmm, yeah, that's good.
I can't believe
this is actually happening.
- More.
- Your ankles are so bony.
- [sighs]
- The bone really juts out.
Faster.
More. Oh, Zeke!
- [man's voice] Zeke. Zeke.
- Zeke! Zeke!
- Zeke. Wake up, man.
- [thunder rumbles]
You were thrashing
around in your sleep.
Oh, right. Sorry.
I wasn't saying anything, was I?
Nope.
Except you did say,
"I'm horny for ankles."
That could mean almost anything.
- No, it can't.
- No, it can't.
[theme song plays]
[oxen mooing]
Oh, I hate this leg of the trip.
Why did Thomas Jefferson
have to buy
this shit piece of land?
Please don't get started
on Thomas Jefferson again.
- Well, he was a crook.
- Oh, here we go.
Ah, they're all crooks.
But the Whig party
on the other hand,
now they're the party
of the people.
I don't think
we should talk politics.
A million and eleven,
a million and twelve...
a million, thirteen...
a million, sign.
Sign!
- Hey, look!
- ZEKE: Whoa, whoa!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa.
Hey, look, it's a sign.
Yeah!
Branchwater.
Oh, that is the nastiest
saloon town I've ever been to.
And this is coming from
a guy who spent New Year's
at the Alabama Ass Factory.
- Ooh.
- Sounds wild. Let's go!
No, no, guys, if we're trying
to get to Oregon before winter,
we do not have time
for a detour.
- [all groan]
- Come on, Zeke.
These people need a break.
I need a break.
It'll be good for morale.
- I don't know.
- Please?
Come on, please, please,
please, please, please?
Please, please, please, please.
[saxophone music resumes]
Oh... yes. Okay, one.
One night. That's it.
Hey folks!
We're going to Branchwater!
[all cheering]
Yes!
[cheering continues]
Hyah!
Well, well, well.
You see that, Angela?
Looks like we're heading
to Branchwater.
Oh, Angela!
Did you fart again?
I told you to stop eating dairy!
BENNY: All right,
folks, we made it!
It's party time!
I'm getting so drunk,
I'm gonna piss myself.
Me too, honey.
Are you coming in?
No, I'm just gonna
wait by the wagon
and protect my soul
from eternal damnation.
But you have fun.
Come on!
I just want to party
with my best friend.
And ooh! Wait.
Do I hear God?
"Zeke, I command thee
to have fun
for once in your life."
No, that's deeply
sacrilegious, Pru.
"And buy Prudence shots.
Lots and lots of shots."
As I said, no thanks.
A place like this is
no place for a reverend.
[sighs] All right, fine.
You know, you should try
to loosen up.
Just once. I don't know.
You might like it.
The Bible is what I like.
"These are the names
of the sons of Abraham,
"according to their families,
after their places,
by their names."
- [ox grunts]
- Fun.
Fun, fun, fun.
All right, folks.
I say we hit the bar first,
and then we check out
the brothel.
Oh, I am so sorry.
Unfortunately,
we are at capacity
right now.
Capacity?
They used to pack this place
tighter than a sardine barrel.
Oh, you're one of
the old-timers.
Yeah, the Oregon Trail
brought in a ton
of new customers,
so management made a few changes
to appeal to a wider clientele.
But if you want to wait
by the gift shop,
I'll let you know as soon as
some space opens up.
Gift shop?
Key chains?
T-shirts?
"The Original
Devil's Taint Cookbook"?
What the hell happened
to this place?
It totally sold out.
Hairy bastard!
Is that what passes as
a saloon brawl these days?
Pretty weak.
Looks like some space
just opened up.
- Enjoy.
- Let's go.
"And though shalt know
that I am the Lord."
Whoo! Evenin', my lad!
What's a handsome
young fella like you
doing here all alone
instead of out on the town?
Oh, well, no,
it's not really my scene.
I'm... I'm... I'm a reverend.
Then we both do the Lord's work.
I peddle miracle cures.
I'm a snake oil salesman.
Snake oil?
Um... no offense, but,
isn't that just
a bunch of hokum?
Not at all.
Snake oil is
a potent aphrodisiac.
Might come in handy
with that young missus
I saw you with earlier?
Oh, that lady's not my missus.
We're just friends.
My mistake. Snake oil
is not merely an aphrodisiac,
it's also quite good
with hair loss.
Oh. I don't have
that issue.
Well, what do you got?
Back pain?
- No.
- Tennis elbow?
- No.
- The pox.
- No, not yet.
- Burgundy stool.
- No.
- Uh, anxiety?
Oh, my friend did just tell me
I could stand to
loosen up a bit.
That's what snake oil is for!
But don't take my word for it.
Here.
Try one of my samples.
See for yourself.
Thank you.
Oh. Oh, that's good.
Yeah. Oh, it's got
an aftertaste.
Yeah, kinda snakey.
Now you only need a little bit.
Just one or two drops
ought to do it.
[gulping] Mmm!
Hey, man. Don't tell me
how to live my life.
Shit, this stuff's great.
Are you gonna be
all right here?
Oh, yes.
I'll just amuse myself by
looking at the pretty bottles.
All right, I'm gonna go
find the poker table,
throw some cash around
with the big boys.
Wish me luck.
[sighs]
Hey, barkeep. Whiskey.
[shrill laughter]
And so that is why
I raised the prices
on the Tijuana Coochie Twist.
Finally, girl.
That move is worth it.
- [laughter]
- Um, excuse me.
Are you ladies
women of the night?
[all gasp]
It's the 1840s.
The preferred term is whores.
Oh, sorry. Didn't mean
to offend you... whores.
I just think what you do
is so amazing.
It's always sounded so exotic.
Well, would you want
to give it a try?
[scoffs] What? No!
Me? Come... really?
Come on, let's just get you
into a dress.
We have one exactly your size.
One of the girls was just
stabbed to death in it.
Oh. Just my luck.
[laughter]
[clears throat]
Excuse me, boys.
You mind if I join?
This ain't no game
for a gentleman.
I may be a gentleman,
but, uh... whew.
My friends here...
well, they play real dirty.
Take a seat.
Interesting.
All in.
Full house.
Shit!
[clears throat] That's...
Okay.
Let me just, um...
Okay.
Now I'm focused.
I'm sorry, madam,
this prostitution menu
is ridiculous.
There's too many choices.
I remember when
all you could order
was a 2-buck pump and dump.
And that was all you needed.
Benny the Teen.
Choose your last words
carefully,
because this time,
there'll be no escape.
Whoopsie!
I'll take that.
This is a no-shooting
establishment after 6:00.
You can grab your gun
from the valet
on your way out.
Thank you so much!
Cute hat.
I'm sorry, what the hell?
I know!
This place sucks now.
What the [bleep]?
Almost done! And...
Voila.
Oh, my God.
I look like a whore.
And I love it!
Girl, you're like
a young Betsy Ross,
but like, a whore.
[laughs]
Ha, ha!
Howdy, folks.
Somebody order a party?
- Reverend Brown?
- Farmer John! Looking sexy!
Granny McGill,
we are doing shots later
and you're not
getting out of it.
Zeke, is that you?
- [gasps]
- WHORES: Your first client!
Whoa, Prude!
Is that you?
What do you think?
Just a little something
I picked up from
a dead whore's closet.
Thought you were waiting
in the wagon.
Hmm, well, yes, I was.
But then,
I had a little bit
of this snake oil,
and now I'm feeling good.
Reverend Brown gettin' down
with snake oil?
- What would Jesus think?
- Bleagh!
Who cares what he thinks?
Aah! [laughs]
I've lived my whole life
with all those rules
and restrictions.
I've been such a dork, right?
- I mean, yeah, a little.
- Yeah!
I just want to scream it
out to the world...
Reverend Ezekiel Brown
is a big fat dork!
Oh, my God! Stop.
But don't. I love it.
You hearing that music?
Is it coming from the piano
or is it coming
straight from my heart?
Do you want to dance?
No, Prudence,
I don't want to dance.
- I need to dance.
- [giggles]
I mean, what the hell
happened to this place?
Used to be you could come in
any night of the week
and you'd find
Three-Fingered Joe
strangling anyone who
looked at him sideways.
- Oh, Dirty Dick Bob.
- Right?
Sticking his you-know-what
into whatever hole
he could find.
Kids these days
are buying cowboy hats
with bullet holes
already in them.
- You're kidding!
- No!
Sorry for that long wait.
Now what can I get you?
I'll have a steak, bloody.
- Make that two.
- Ooh, sorry.
We actually stopped
carrying steak.
- No steak?
- We do have shishito peppers,
that are lightly drizzled
with Ortega cheese,
that are just absolutely mmm!
All right, that's it.
I've had enough!
[pounds table, objects clatter]
That's what's wrong
with this country today!
You make everything
clean and nice
and pretty for everyone,
but then you lose
what makes it cool
and authentic and real!
I want the grit!
I want the soul!
Yeah!
Most of all,
I want my goddamn steak!
Do you want to speak
to the manager?
Yes, I'd like to speak
to the manager, thank you.
Ho ho, that was great!
Was the fist slam too much?
No, it was perfect.
Ow.
Well, it has not been
my night. [chuckles]
I almost had you
on that last hand.
Just... [clears throat]
Okay.
Hoo! Finally.
Okay, looks like my ship
has come in.
- I'll raise.
- Sorry, pardner,
but you got nothing left
to raise with.
I have more money, in my wagon.
Well, I'm good for it.
I swear.
I'll take the gentleman's
word for it. Let's see.
Four aces.
Read 'em and weep,
you filthy bastards!
Not so fast.
Five aces.
What? How is that
even possible?
Hold on.
- Twelve aces.
- MAN: Dang it!
I do not understand
the rules of this game.
Gentlemen, you wanted to speak
with the manager?
You're damn right we want to...
- Dirty Dick Bob?
- Benny the Teen?
Bounty hunter with no name?
How the hell are you guys?
We were just talking about you!
- What?
- How'd they let a nasty pervert
like Dirty Dick Bob
run a slick joint like this?
Actually, it's
Dirty Dick Robert now.
I run the front of the house,
and my wife handles the books.
- You have a wife?
- I sure do.
I can't believe it!
You used to stick your dick
into anything that moved!
And plenty of stuff that didn't!
Yes, I did fornicate
with objects,
but you can't stay young
forever.
Eventually you gotta grow up
and start having a real life.
But enough about me.
What have you guys been up to?
Oh, you know,
mostly the same stuff.
You know, chasing this guy.
Yeah, the same.
Being chased by him.
Wow, so you guys are still
doing that whole thing.
Well, cool. Very cool.
[stammers]
I'd love to stay and chat,
but I should get back to work.
Sure, but maybe we could
all hang out sometime.
Maybe. It... it's difficult
with the kids and all.
Hostess, more
shishito peppers over here!
On the house!
[laughs]
Huh.
Yeah.
- [cheering]
- [piano playing]
My skin feels electric.
Touch it!
It's electric, right?
Why can't it be
like this forever?
I don't want to go to stupid
Oregon and be a boring wife.
Shh! Shh!
Shush your mouth right now.
I'm shushing.
Nothing has to change
after this trip.
It's your life, and you can do
whatever you want to do,
and be whoever you want to be.
You're right.
Thanks, Zeke.
I have an idea.
Why don't we do
some more snake oil?
Are you sure you need any more?
We're already having fun.
But think about it...
if we're having fun now,
things will be extra fun
with more snake oil!
That's just basic math.
Still a pass for me.
Thanks, though.
Oh, all right, Mom.
More yum-yums for Freaky Zekey.
Whoa, easy, champ.
Okay, Zeke, no.
Come on.
You need to take it down,
like, so many notches.
You're acting out of control.
Out of control? No.
I am in control for
the first time in my life.
There are no consequences
to my actions. I'm free!
[slowed-down evil laughter]
You're next, Ezekiel.
Ahh! The devil has come
for my soul!
I just meant
his song request is next.
- [sighs]
- Zeke.
Maybe my girlfriend's right.
Maybe I do come on too strong.
Can you believe
Dirty Dick Bob sold out?
What a loser, huh?
I don't know, Benny.
What if we're the losers?
What are you talking about?
We're the only real ones left.
- Remember?
- Are we?
Look at us.
We're doing the same thing
we were doing
since we were kids.
We don't have families
or houses or real jobs.
It's kinda pathetic, isn't it?
Let me ask you something...
do you love it?
- Oh, stop it.
- Do you love it?
Of course I love it.
But there comes a time
when you have to move on.
Leave childish things behind.
I'm hanging up my hat.
Maybe you should, too.
Dingus.
PRUDENCE: Zeke.
- BOTH: Ooh.
- Todd.
I... I didn't expect you
to see me like this.
Sorry, whore, I don't have time
for your cheap tricks.
I just gambled away
my entire fortune.
- You did what?
- Yeah, don't tell the missus.
Anyway, I gotta get
out of here quick
before those big
stinkin' lugs find me.
[gasps]
I've been looking
all over for you.
The only thing I'm
looking for is your blood.
- What's going on?
- [piano intro plays]
♪♪ She'll be coming round
the mountain when she comes ♪♪
♪♪ She'll be coming round the
mountain when she comes ♪♪
Holy smokes!
Is that the reverend?
What's he doing up there?
Look at those dead shark eyes.
Does he even know where he is?
I think he's just completely
out of his mind at this point.
♪♪ The mountain ♪♪
♪♪ When she comes ♪♪
♪♪ She'll be driving six white
horses when she comes ♪♪
♪♪ She'll be driving six
white horses when she comes ♪♪
Shake it, baby!
♪♪ She'll be driving
six white horses ♪♪
♪♪ She'll be driving six white
horses when she comes ♪♪
[dance music continues]
♪♪ She'll be coming round
the mountain
- ♪♪ When she comes ♪♪
- ♪♪ When she comes ♪♪
♪♪ She'll be coming round
the mountain when she comes ♪♪
- ♪♪ When she comes ♪♪
- ♪♪ When she comes ♪♪
♪♪ She'll be coming round
the mountain ♪♪
♪♪ She'll be coming
round the mountain ♪♪
♪♪ She'll be coming round
the mountain when she comes ♪♪
♪♪ Comes, comes, comes ♪♪
♪♪ Comes, comes, comes,
comes, comes ♪♪
[discordant piano flourish]
[weak applause]
Hey. [kisses]
[clears throat]
Zeke, that was...
I didn't even know what to say.
Just... wow.
Prudence, there is something
I've wanted to do
for a long time.
- Honk, honk.
- Excuse me?
Beep beep! Arooga!
Well, that was unexpected.
Pro tip?
Rob him while he's out.
Here, I'll show you.
Oh, nice.
He's got a Bible.
- [liquid pouring]
- [rooster crows]
Oh, we got most
of the glitter off,
and some coffee should help
the headache.
Thank you, Granny.
Prudence, I believe
a massive apology is in order.
Obviously I was totally
out of my mind last night
and I just hope you know
that none of that
would've happened
had it not been
for the snake oil.
Sorry to interrupt,
but, uh,
to protect myself legally
I should mention that snake oil
is completely fraudulent
and has no effects
whatsoever.
What?
You kids take care.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no...
You were saying?
So if snake oil is fake then
everything I did last night
was just me?
Yeah.
I'm disgusting.
I'm worse than disgusting.
- I'm a sinner.
- It wasn't great,
- but I wouldn't go that far.
- No, you don't understand.
I've committed a cardinal sin.
I've coveted my...
neighbor's wife.
What, what do you mean,
you covet me?
Like, covet, covet?
Yeah, like covet, covet.
But, you're my best friend.
- I know.
- And I'm married.
I know. Look, Pru,
I'm so sorry.
I tried to bury these feelings
for a long time.
I'm sorry, this is
a lot to take in.
I'm gonna go.
Girl troubles, huh?
You know the best cure for that?
- Snake oil.
- You just told me it was fake.
Shit.
♪♪♪♪♪♪
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
Yeah, you know,
this feels kinda weird.
Guess I thought
we'd be doing this forever.
You're a free man, right?
You finally got away from me,
fair and square.
You take care, Benny the Teen.
You too, nameless
bounty hunter guy.
♪♪♪♪♪♪
Hey.
My fingers are feeling
a little sticky.
I'm thinking I might
steal this horse.
Okay, don't do that.
You know that's a felony.
Oops.
Did I do that?
All right, you'd
better stop that, Benjamin.
Or what?
You gonna shoot me
for being naughty?
[chuckles]
Are we really doing this?
I don't know.
Are we?
All right, dirtbag.
I'm gonna give you
a 60-second head start
before I shoot you full of lead.
The only thing
you'll be shooting
is my dust.
Whoosh! Whoo hoo hoo!
60, 59, 58...
All right, people,
we gotta get a move on!
Got a bounty hunter
hot on my ass!
Ooh. Wild night, huh?
- Don't want to talk about it.
- Fair enough. Hyah!
[Benny humming "She'll Be
Coming Round the Mountain"]
- [Zeke sighs]
- BENNY: What?
You don't feel like singing now?
Five, four, three,
two, one.
Ready or not, here I come!
Oh, shoot! Where's my gun?
Oh, shoot,
I left it at the valet!
Hi! Hi. Um, I'm the cute
silver one in the back.
Um, I don't have my ticket,
but if you give me that gun,
I won't shoot you.
Have a great day!
[yells]
I'm coming for you, Benny!